On food and decorating...

That's one thing I've noticed since I stopped smoking. I'm instantly awake when I get up out of bed. I don't have to gather myself together much. I still need about half a cup of coffee to cheer me up a bit, but I'm generally in good shape right away. At least I'm not sitting here dragging nicoltine and other poisons out of cigarettes and doing my head in. That was a very convoluted way to try and feel good. Thank goodness that's behind me. 

I can already smell better now and the coffee when it's just made smells very burnt. I guess I'm smelling the fact that the beans have been roasted. It smells less pleasant than I had anticipated, but maybe I don't have such a very good brand of coffee. It's the first thing you smell when you walk into the apartment, besides the smell of the deodorant coming from the bathroom. 

I suppose my sense of smell will get better over time and I think this is a nice development because a lot of memories are associated with my sense of smell. An odor can instantly take me back to a moment in my past. It's usually something pleasant that I think back on so it's no problem. I look forward to it. 

I had a bit of a slow day today. I had to try and find ways to amuse myself and it wasn't easy. I already walked the dog three times and took a nap twice. I guess all I can say is, thank goodness for the Internet. It does keep me occupied at the most boring moments. It and watching the news are good diversions when I need to fill my time.

I have to admit that I'm hungrier now that I've stopped smoking. My stomach growls regularly and naturally I feed it. At least, for as far as that is possible with my gastric band. There is a limit to how much food I can put into it. I do feel like eating hearty foods like fried eggs and salty crackers. I really feel like eating Chinese food and have a huge hunkering for it. It's too bad that I can't eat those portions, they are too big. 

On another subject, the living room has got all its final touches and, except for painting it, there's not much left that I can do to it. I will always be on the look out for interesting and colorful items to add to the decor. That will be like a new hobby for me. I will also always look for interesting art, although I really think I like the artist that I have the watercolors of now. But you never know what I will run into. I will not exclude anybody else. 

I think the living room and the bedroom will really be ongoing projects and that I will collect things for them and keep decorating them as the mood strikes me. It will be a little bit as if they are showrooms. That will keep me motivated to have them always in good shape and to spend time on making them look as comfortable to be in as possible. 

That's all I have to say and that's more than enough. I do carry on. I've forgotten to watch the 6 o'clock news even. I've got to fry some eggs. I'll pretend there's fried rice to go with them. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's alright now...

I'm entering day four of not smoking. I've just taken my medicines and put on a fresh nicotine patch. It didn't feel as though the old one had stopped working. I think the effect is psychological also. As long as you wear it, you think you're protected. It doesn't matter why it works as long as it does.

Every day of not smoking gets a little bit easier. The urge to light up a cigarette is still there, but I get over the disappointment of not being able to quicker. There's simply no way that I can, so wishing to is an exercise in futility. I immediately have to put the whole idea out of my head. That's the best part about not having any tobacco in the apartment. There's absolutely no temptation. 

If I don't manage to keep myself busy and distracted, I take naps to make the time pass by. It's one way to forget about not being able to smoke if it bothers me a lot. It's usually during the day when I've run out of things to do and I've already walked the dog a few times. I'm usually able to sleep for at least an hour or so. That gets me over the worst craving. 

Yesterday I went to Ikea with my sister. We got there early in the morning before it opened, but already there were plenty of people there. I had a shopping list of things I wanted to get and just had to locate the items in the store and in the warehouse. 

I got a rattan armchair to replace my other armchair whch I have put in the bedroom where it looks very good. It was time that I decorated the bedroom more also and I wanted something different in the living room. I also had to get the thick, soft seat cushion that went with the chair which was located in a whole different place in the warehouse, very unlogically.

I wanted to make sure that I got a good seat cushion because of the comfort of sitting down on it for any length of time and not getting a sore rear end. I have learned my lesson in the past. I also wanted to buy some throw pillows and I thought I had the ones picked out that I wanted, but when I actually saw them, I liked them less than I thought I would. 

Luckily, I spotted some that I had not seen on the website and that had the colors in them that I wanted so the choice was easily made. They were to put in the two armchairs that are in the living room to support your back when you sit in them. They are also for the extra touch of decoration, of course.

I had to get a new curtain to cover the door that is between the spare bedroom and the living room that I don't use and that is always closed. The curtain that was there didn't fit in the color scheme anymore and was old besides. I had thrown it out. I had picked out the new one on Ikea's website and luckily it turned out to be as nice as I had anticipated. 

When I got home. the curtain turned out to be much too long and I had to pin it up. Today I will have to shorten it, but because the sewing machine isn't working, I will have to fix the hem with iron on sticky tape.

Because of the paintings, the colors that have returned to the interior of the living room are red and orange. Subconsciously, I am now drawn to these two colors and gravitate towards them for whatever little touches I can add. They are both lively and cheerful colors so that's no problem. Both of them are in the throw pillows that I bought.

Except for fixing the hem of the curtain, I don't have much to do today. I had been planning on taking two creative therapy classes, but now there is an issue with the insurance company maybe not paying for them. It is up in the air and I have to keep my fingers crossed. I need to have a busier schedule. It is important that I am more active and see more people. I will have to make the most of the day in the meantime. 

I've got to get dressed and walk the dog. It is that time of the morning already. I hope you'll all have a good day and that you enjoy your interiors. 

Ciao,

Nora

Watercolors...

Yesterday afternoon, I went with my sister and her friend to a small village not too far from here and visited an artist's art gallery that was located in the barn of a renovated old farmhouse. The art gallery was bright and white and lofty and filled with wonderful framed watercolors in all sizes. 

What set these watercolors apart was that they were painted with deep intense colors that were unlike your average watercolors and were so lively that they immediately struck you with their intensity when you looked at them. This artist, a woman who has been painting for many years, is known for this particular way of painting.

We spend a few fun hours looking at everything and trying to decide which watercolors we liked best because all three of us wanted to make a choice. We all ended up finding something after much careful study. I bought (on an installment plan) two good sized ones of close ups of red poppies and deep yellow tulips. 

When I got them home, I had to give some careful thought about where I wanted to hang them and took my time deciding that. After I had done that, I spent some time in my chair just sitting and looking at them and enjoying them. I had hung them where I could have a good look at both of them whenever I sit in my armchair.

While I was sitting there I realized that, because of the paintings, I needed to make some cosmetic changes in the living room and proceeded to make those. I had to alter some things completely and add some different touches of color. I spent the rest of the time doing that, pausing every once in a while to take a good look to think about it. 

I had to add touches of deep yellow to the decor and luckily found some things that matched the color of the tulips in that watercolor. I rearranged a bunch of things and will have to do more today until I'm satisfied. I also uncluttered and put things away and I will be doing more of that today also.

I had a thoroughly enjoyable time and like the watercolors very much, but then I did take my time choosing them. I like them better than my own art, which I'm too critical of and can't enjoy looking at. I've banned that to the bedroom. As soon as these paintings are paid off, I want to get more of them and I hope I can find such good ones again. I hope she is very productive. 

It's fuuny how paitings can inspire you to have a whole new look at your surroundings. I had not expected that, not did I choose them specifically because of their colors or keeping my decor in mind. At least, not consciously.  I was intuitively drawn to these. It wasn't until I hung them up that I realized that they set the tone for the rest of the room. I do know that less is more and that the living room needs to be unburdened.

That's my big adventure for this weekend and the activitiy that keeps me out of trouble. I should get out of the apartment more often.

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday in the wee hours.

I went to bed at 7 pm last night. I was so tired and basically all I had done all day was sit behind the computer, but I suppose that can wear you out also. I read my book for just a little while and then went to sleep and slept for eight hours, which I think is pretty darn good. I was surprised when I looked at the alarm clock and saw what time it was when I woke up. Of course, it is still early in the morning, but that just leaves me a lot of time to sit here behind the computer and have wonderful cups of coffee and cigarettes and do as I please until the day really starts. By that I mean, when the sun comes up and I have to get dressed and walk the dog and do a serious task instead of just sitting here enjoying myself.

It is only -7C outside, so not as cold as it was the night before last. Cold enough for the heater to go on every once in awhile, so it is nice and pleasant in the apartment. I have some lights on so I don't sit here in the dark too much, I mean not only with the desk lamp on, and it is very cozy. It makes me feel safe and comfortable, as if all is well with the world for right now. You do have to get your small moments of joy out of the day as much as possible and you have to find them in the little things that are very near and dear to you, such as being in your own safe and quiet space with the lights on and the cold and dark world outside. It makes you appreciate being warm and comfortable very much.

The dog is always where I am. Every once in a while he goes and finds a more comfortable place to lie down, but he always returns here to lie beside me on the rug, as if he is attached to me by an invisible cord that is unbreakable. I find such loyalty very endearing and I always find myself looking at him sleep and being so taken with that. A dog is such an innocent animal and so totally dependent on you. I always have to be steadfast and true to him, so as to not confuse him and to always make him feel secure and make his life predictable. Sometimes he gives me that look as if to say, "Is everything okay? Yes? Alright then!" Then he continues to do whatever he was doing. He assumes he is safe and safe he is, especially now that he is as good as deaf and doesn't see well. He gets treated with extra special care.

I have a good camera, but I sure do forget to use it a lot. I don't think I have even photographed my last two paintings. I must remember to do that and show those on my art blog. I always have my camera in my purse, but then forget all about it. I am not an opportunity photographer. I don't walk around the world seeing good shots. I would only do that if I had my camera in my hand and consciously thought about it. It is really a shame, because I'm probably missing all sorts of photo opportunities. Then again, maybe photography doesn't come to me naturally, or I would do it more instinctively. I think some people have a real gift for it and see the world the way you would see it through the lens of a camera constantly. Every once in a while I see a scene that I think would make a good photograph, but then I forget that I have my camera right in my purse and that I can take a photo right then and there. I suppose I haven't developed the freedom to do that and the instincts to go with it. I'm too inhibited. I guess if I have to make a resolution for the New Year, it is to use my camera more often, although I'm not a great believer in resolutions, because very often they are false promises you make to yourself. It is my intention to use my camera more often, let's put it that way. If I actually do it is something we will have to wait and see about.

It's the same way with doing art. I haven't done any at home for quite awhile. Now, I know why this is. I'm missing some essential ingredients to make the things I want to make, but still, that's only partly an excuse. I can't seem to get into art making at home the way I do at therapy. Of course, I don't have the right place to do it, except for the dining table where I always have to clean everything up immediately or else the cats will walk all over it. I have to get a table and a good lamp to put in my bedroom and get the other ingredients that I need to be able to make the art I want to create. If I was really interested, I would be getting this done, but it is like so many other things. I postpone it indefinitely, as if it is going to happen by itself some day magically, forgetting that I have to be the moving force behind it. I think I'm waiting for that spark of inspiration and interest to hit me. The one that will set me on fire a little bit. The one that makes me manic, without actually becoming fully manic.

So, you see I'm not living up to my potential in many ways and that is because of my very low energy level. Because I spend more time sitting and getting nothing much accomplished than I do moving about and being engaged in something. I have a big mental block that I can't get past. It's like a huge boulder on the road and I can't get around it, so I idle my time away in front of it. Every day I tell myself that this is the day that it's going to be different, and every day is a repeat of the day before and I achieve hardly anything. A depressed mind is a terrible thing to carry around with you. It is heavy and burdensome and nothing but a frustrating load to bear.

But now I must be cheerful, because it's still early in the morning and nothing can touch me yet. I can make myself another cup of coffee and wile away my time a little bit longer. Of course. I have to remember that it's Sunday and a day of rest and that not much bad can happen to you on a Sunday. It's everybody's day off. Even the tax office, whose blue envelope I have lying unopened on the coffee table and which I will open today. A blue envelope is never any good. That's why it's colored blue, so you won't miss it in the mail and say you didn't get it. I'm not going to worry about it. Whatever bad news is in there, I will deal with. They are not the evil stepmother and I am not a helpless Snow White. There is no Prince Charming in this story.

It would be ever so nice if there were a Fairy Cleaning Crew that would come and Micro Clean the apartment. I have a feeling that if it were clean once and for all, I would be able to keep it clean, but maybe that is a delusion. It is nice to believe in fairy tales, though. Maybe I need some wicked step sisters to put to work while I go to the ball. Oh no, that would be too much work. I would have to get all jazzed up in my finest and wear high heels and a low cut dress. I don't think so in this weather. Not unless I got to wear a fake fur coat that was especially warm.

Well, I guess that's about it for me for this morning. I hope I've kept you pleasantly entertained. I've kept myself entertained, that's for sure. It made the time pass quickly and I still can do all sorts of things.

I hope you all have a good morning and the best of days, this Sunday before Christmas.

Ciao,
Nora

Wednesday late at night.

I just woke up from a long nap on the sofa. I slept for two and a half hours, so that is really more than a nap. That is a state of comatose existence. I woke up because the dog needed to go out. The poor dog who I took to the vet today and who turned out to be sick and got an antibiotic shot and antibiotic pills for 6 days. He's got a bacterial infection and was running a fever. I just gave him his first pills hidden in a slice of salami and that worked well.

I slept well last night, except that I had to get up when the dog had to go out urgently. He was making a lot of noise so I would wake up. Still, he had an accident in the spare bedroom, but I went straight back to sleep after that and woke up to the alarm clock and very grumpily made myself a cup of coffee and sat on the sofa and tried to wake up. That took me about an hour of drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. Then I quickly got up and got ready and walked the poor dog, who was in not such good shape and I resolved to take him to the vet at 1 pm.

First I had to go to my last Wednesday class and that was a little bit hard. Some of the people there I'm going to see again at the SPC, but others I may never see again and it was tough to say goodbye to them. You almost can't allow yourself to get sentimental about it, no matter how much you like them, because you know you can't form lasting attachments in that world. It's rare if you do. In the end we all go our own way. I wanted to get closer to some of the people, but everybody has their little privacy wall up and keeps their private world separated from the clinical world. There's one woman there I like so much and she is such a great artist and I really am going to miss seeing her, but she had her privacy wall up very much. I hope I run into her again. I hope she knows what a great artist she is. I think she doesn't realize it, although I always let her know.

People had brought things to eat with them for by the coffee and I had a piece of apple cake, but there was much more, which I couldn't eat, of course. There were even Negro kisses, which is a round wafer cookie, topped by a white mousse, covered in dark chocolate. I think we're not supposed to call them Negro kisses anymore, because it's not politically correct, but I don't know what they are called now. Nothing derogatory was ever meant by it. It was just an innocent name, but alas...

I brought all my artwork home with me rolled up in a tube and I have to have a good look at it and decide if any of it is worth keeping. Some things may be worth framing, but not all of it. Some of it is just plain silliness and can go. I wasn't always serious about what I was doing there. Some things were just experiments.

The shot of antibiotics seems to have done the dog a lot of good. He has done nothing but sleep all afternoon, except for the times I've let him out. He even ate most of a white bread sandwich. The vet said that he was probably feeling sick to his stomach and that is why his appetite was down. He is drinking a lot of water, so that is good. He is not dehydrating. When the dog is sick, it brings out all of my maternal feelings and I get very motherly. I'm overly concerned about him and watch him like a hawk. It's just like having a sick child and only the best is good enough for him.

He just ate 150 grams of some very good dog food and he ate it with pleasure. I think that is good enough for now. It means he's feeling better.

In the meantime, I'm sitting here enjoying the late hours of the night again. I don't have to get up early in the morning. I have an appointment with Social Services at 1 pm and I'm not looking forward to it very much. They'll want to know what I'm doing in my life and if I'm ready to be reintegrated. Obviously I'm not and I have to let them know that in a half hour appointment and that is causing me to feel some stress, although I have to say that my case manager there is a reasonable man and has been very kind in the past. I have to assume that the appointment will go well and all I have to do is tell the truth without embellishing. Still, I worry, because I don't know how well I can represent my own case. I suppose a certain amount of worrying is normal, because it will help me prepare myself for it. There's a fine line between worrying and feeling anxious, though. Feeling over anxious.

Right, I think I had better go to bed now. I will take my medicines and have something to eat and put my pajamas on.

I hope you all have a good night's sleep and a good morning. It never did rain here like it was supposed to.

Ciao,
Nora

I can do anything...

I slept for such a long time last night. First I fell asleep on the sofa, then I sort of woke up and very drowsily took my medicines and changed into my pajamas. I got into bed and tried to read my book, but it was impossible and instead I went straight to sleep again. The alarm clock woke me at 7 am, otherwise I would still be asleep, I think.

I was going to make a new work of art for the Art Exchange last night, but instead I looked through the work that I already had done and found the perfect thing for it. It's an acrylic painting on watercolor paper and it will do just fine. I just have to get a large enough envelope to send it in today. I'm assuming I can buy those at Action, so I will go over there this morning. Doubtlessly, I will see other things I like very much there and I'll have to contain myself and not go into a shopping frenzy.

I have an appointment with my SPN this afternoon and that really breaks up the day, so that I feel that I can't get anything serious started. This makes me feel anxious, as though I'm running behind and have to try and get caught up with myself, though why I feel that way is kind of a mystery and I think it is just free floating anxiety that I have to try and get over, if not by myself, then with the help of a pill. Yeah, that's a good idea. When anxious, take a pill.

No, really, when anxious, slow down and take a good look at everything and re-evaluate the whole situation and reconsider what you're getting anxious about and then try to find out if it's worth it. If any of these things that you are stressing about are the cause of your anxiety attack, then they need to be eliminated as quickly as possible from the list of causes and relegated to a lesser position of importance in your life. And you need to ask for help from people around you who can help you lighten whatever load you think you are carrying around with you. That's the way it works.

So, I need to get back to three basic things this week. My appointment with my SPN, my appointment with Social Services on Thursday, and getting the apartment cleaned up for J's visit this weekend. That's more then enough to worry about right now. That's about all I can handle, really. I worry about getting the apartment cleaned up. That always seems to be the hardest job and the one I have the most trouble with. Next week I'll mail the art project and start work on the story that I'm committed to write for an on line magazine. I'll tell you more about that soon.

There, that takes care of that.

For reasons that anyone is on a white bread diet, the dog is on a white bread diet right now, so I make him meat sandwiches with it. Luckily, he likes them very much if I hand feed him and it fills him up well enough. He is very satisfied afterwards and shows no interest whatsoever in his regular food, so I'll not feed him that for a while until things get back to normal. He had an accident in the living room last night and was very embarrassed about it. I did not make any big deal out of it but just cleaned it up. The poor dog can't help it. That's why I bought those loaves of bread on sale. They are always handy to have around. I just took him out a while ago and the problem hasn't resolved itself yet, so more sandwiches it is. I think it's because he ate something off the street and what it was is a mystery to me. It was gone in a flash. He is a scavenger. An opportunity eater.

I did end up taking two extra Oxazepams and they are working now and have quieted me down quite a bit, although I did of course organize my own head better before that. I appreciate the calm feeling I get from the pills and the fact that I don't have to fight my emotions as hard. It's like moving from a storm at sea into calm waters and I am so glad that I have the pills to take, although I do appreciate the fact that you have to solve the problem and not ignore it by taking pills that cover up your feelings. I think I've faced the problems and figured out what was wrong and got my head straight about that.

The one silver lining in the clouds is the visit from J. which I am looking forward to very much. Also because it is making me clean up the apartment, although I dislike doing it, but otherwise it wouldn't get done and I would sit in the mess forever. This visit from him is a great motivator to get it done and I will feel good about it afterwards. Since most of the mess is from the animals, I am seriously considering not having any animals again after these are gone. I think that 80% if not more of the cleaning that I do involves the messes from the animals, the dust, the dirt, the hair...I've never had such a hard time keeping a place clean. So, when these animals are gone, there will be no new animals to take their place. At the most, I will have one cat, if at all. I can't allow myself to get sentimental about it either. The fact is that I can't keep up with the housework and when I look at the dirt, I see it's from the animals.

Right, that's another decision made.

I guess I'm getting to the point where I'm getting my priorities in order. Both the present ones and the future ones. That's because I'm living less with my head in the clouds and more with both feet on the ground and am facing reality more and my own ability to deal with things. The truth is, that I have a limited stamina and a low threshold for stress and I must be careful not to take on too much responsibility yet unawares I do, because I don't pay attention to what I can handle. I get excited about things and attached or enthused without thinking about the longer term consequences for myself. And then I never get around to facing the reality of the situation and let myself get snowed under, all the while avoiding looking the issue straight in the face and acknowledging the problems I have with it.

I did say yesterday that I didn't want to get serious this week, but I can't make good on my promise. I have to get serious today. I found myself in a pickle and I had to talk myself through it and out of it. I feel much better now and able to face the things that require my immediate attention.

Laundry! That is it to start with and it's not raining, so it can dry outside. That's very appealing, although it's supposed to rain again tomorrow, oh, such doom sayers.

Right, I'll get to work then and start the job of getting things in order. I see some dirt I have to tackle on my knees, no less. I requires some scrubbing. And then there are all the dusty surfaces to wipe clean. Hurray!

Have a good day. I hope yours involves doing many fun things.

Ciao,
Nora

Bravado...

I am trying to be lazy on this Saturday morning, but I don't know if the dog will let me. I have let him out back for a piddle and he has eaten a bowl of food, but he may want to go for a walk any minute now and that means I will have to change out of this comfortable bathrobe into my regular clothes and I so don't want to. I need at least another cup of coffee and several more cigarettes. Darn, I need a certain amount of my vices in the morning. Two cups of coffee isn't too much to ask for.

The second painting at creative therapy is going well. So far, I'm very pleased with it, but it does help to have some very white paint handy for when I go over the lines. I can't wait for it to be Monday so I can work on it again. First I have to get through those two long days of the weekend, of which Sunday is the longest day.

When I came home at 12:30 in the afternoon yesterday, there was a watercolor pad laying on the dining table and I knew right away that the Exfactor had put it there, so I called him to thank him for it and he said that it was not the present that he wanted to still give me. I'm completely in the dark now about what it could be, because I thought he maybe was going to buy me a sketch pad. This one says it is a sketch and watercolor pad.

I can't wait to begin to use it, but I feel that I must develop some other style or technique and I need to do a little bit of pondering about what those could be. I have tubes of paint, so I could be painting also. I must give it a long hard think. Something abstract maybe. I only have two art books and maybe I can find something to inspire me in them. There's an acute shortage of art books, I would say. Time to hit the second hand bookstore.

My afternoon with Von was nice. We had cappuccinos and tea at our regular outdoor café and they were accompanied by some Italian cookies that were so hard that they were impossible to bite into and we could have done each other some serious damage if we had thrown them at one another. Usually, we get pieces of soft nougat with our beverages and I hope that they get rid of those cookies and return to the nougat or pick something else that's more digestible. At one of the cafés on the big square you get a cookie and a chocolate, but I think that Von prefers this smaller more intimate square.

We saw two bridal couples outside the ancient basilica and both the brides were dressed in ivory colored dresses with bouquets of red roses. The church bells rang especially for them. It was quite festive and we think it was a double wedding. Love was in the air and everybody was happy. It was very sweet to see and made you long to be that young again and have a wedding of your own (but, of course, have the wisdom that you have now). If only you could trust those grooms!

We walked around downtown and I pulled a croquette out of the wall at Snackson's over by the big square and Von had a big paper cone of fries with mayonnaise. We ate that while walking down the street, which is half the pleasure of it, because women our age are not supposed to eat in the street. It goes against convention. You're supposed to find a suitable place to sit down to consume your food. Of course, we had to lick our fingers, because as usual there were no napkins, as that is considered too much of an investment and wasteful.

Today I've got to do some grocery shopping and I'm not looking forward to it at all, because it will be busy in the store and I never like that. I do so like it when there are lots of places to park my bike and lots of shopping baskets and no distracted shoppers in the aisles. I guess I need a store of my own, or I need to go at 8 o'clock in the morning. Fool that I didn't think of it. First I better check my bank account balance to see if there is any money to shop with.

I think, other than the shopping, I will declare this "take it easy day," as I have few chores to do and I may as well do those tomorrow when I'm bored because it's Sunday.

Have a terrific Saturday everyone. Think of me when you load your groceries in your car, as I wobble down the street with mine.

Oh, for privacy reasons, I have changed my name on every website I frequent. I realized I didn't want to be so much of a public figure and have all of the details of my life out there and have them directly attached to my name. My name is now Nora Ibsen and I would appreciate it if you would address me as Nora from now on.

Thanks,
Nora

For four hours...

I slept on the sofa for four hours tonight. This was after I walked the dog and put out the trash and decided that I was so tired that I could not do another thing, despite my intentions to shower and wash my hair and do some ironing. I was too pooped to do any of those things and like a broken woman put on some leggings and a tank top and laid down on the sofa and went to sleep. Everything else would have to wait.

For some strange reason, I woke up at 11 pm, when I easily could have kept right on sleeping and I got up to take my medicines and make a cup of decaf and some more cigarettes. I checked my emails and answered those and not feeling sufficiently tired yet, I decided to start writing this post, which I may have too abandon if my sleeping pill starts to work. We'll see where the ship strands.

I seriously felt like having something sweet to eat tonight, or maybe chocolate even, but I didn't have anything like it in the apartment and the stores were closed. I did have a jar of diet jam and I had a couple of spoons full of that, although I thought it tasted to sugary. It wasn't tart enough. Then I drank a big glass of juice hoping that would take care of my craving, but it didn't really, so I called my sister to find out if she had any cookies, but her boyfriend from Milan was there and I was too embarrassed to ask. So, I am basically left with a craving for chocolate chip cookies and I don't have any.

I did just find a piece of leftover Brie in the refrigerator and I ate that and that took care of my feeling of hunger. It wasn't the overripe cheese the Exfactor had bought and I'm sure glad I found it, because it turned out that I needed to eat. And here I thought I was just craving sweets. Well goodness, I'm starting to feel like a human being again.

If this is going to be a repeat of last night, I have less chores to do, I mean, I can't wash windows in the middle of the night, can I? I can do the ironing and clean up my closet, but there will be no sweeping and mopping the floors. I can hunt for cobwebs and wash woodwork and clean out the refrigerator, though. I just hope I have enough cleaning liquid left. I'll have to make it last. I'll use spit if I have to or ear wax to polish with. Ha, ha.

If I had my own little studio set up now, I could be producing masterworks! Collages avant lettres, sculptures that would blow your mind away, doodles that would dazzle you with their intricacies. Yes,I would produce it all, working during the night, inspired by the silence around me, by the solitude of the moonlight, maybe the sound of the gentle rain.

Okay, don't get carried away with yourself, stay grounded, a woman may have her head in the clouds, but she needs her feet firmly planted on the ground, even if it is a mountain. or a path in the garden of Eden.

I plan to be an artist, although in my own humble way I already am. It will do me good to create when the mood strikes me and to be able to walk away from it when it does not. To close the door on it and open it again when I an ready and to sit and ponder over the work, which I now don't get a chance to. To play with the different elements and to see how things can be combined and subtracted. How paints can be combined and pastels added to them and natural elements. How you catch the eye and keep it enthralled. So much and so much more. I feel I'm just at the beginning of a long journey with many stops along the way. Points of achievement that will be milestones.


Jesker has completely settled in for the night, but this afternoon he very urgently wanted to go out back and, of course, what was laying there on the doormat? A meatball! I wonder if Toby brings them as gifts to Jesker, because he does not eat them himself.

Toby and Gandhi are still on the kitchen counter all the time trying to get food out of pouches from me, but it is to no avail and they have to eat their very good kibbles, which they do too. I've stopped giving them milk, because they would drink a little bit and the rest would get sour and I had to throw it away. So now it's just plain water for them, which Toby likes to drink from the faucet.

Jesker is back to eating his normal portions of food, so he probably just had a stomach bug or something for a while.

I suppose I will keep you updated about my night, just like I did last night, it helps me get through the night also if I get to write these missives. They are my life lines while I'm here on my own.

Sleep tight you all, if it's that time for you.

Ciao...

Thunderstorm...

We had a big old thunderstorm this afternoon (Noah's Ark Type) and the rain just poured out of the heavens in buckets. It was great, because I was inside looking out at it, having just gotten home from therapy and not quite to the point of having taken out Jesker. Excellent timing on my part.

I opened up the kitchen window and the back door and got a good draft going that cooled things off quite a bit in here. As soon as it stopped raining, I took Jesker for a walk and it was so nice out, fresh and cool and everything was soaking wet and drenched all the way through and I think they've seeded the two fields, so the rain could not come at a more opportune moment.

After I got home with Jesker, I did my three chores faithfully and then turned on the computer and another rainstorm hit. It was wonderful and it poured buckets again. I can't tell you how much I like the rain, That is as long as I'm not caught out in it. It's great to sit inside and watch the whole street turn into a shallow lake in a few minutes flat and feel the cool air from it. It''s going to rain on Tuesday and Wednesday too and the temperatures are going to be a lot cooler, which I think is just fine.

So, I've done those three chores, but I've already thought of three other chores I can do, so when I'm finished with this post, I'll go do them. It will take me half an hour maximum. Maybe twenty minutes. I am going to clean three doors with a special wood cleaning product. that takes the grime right off.

This morning, I got on my bike and tried to ride away on it, when the pedals did their spinning thing again and I lost my balance and fell over and landed on the sidewalk on my elbow and my knees. I said, "Shit," and didn't move right away, because I was taking inventory as to what I had hurt, but I only had some dents in my knees and a scraped elbow. So I picked up that lousy bike and got on it again and rode off on it to my creative therapy class.

So, now I either have to get that bike fixed or get me a second hand bike at the recycle store, whichever is cheapest. I can't afford to keep falling over. I may get hurt. This is something I have to discuss with the Exfactor, because he is the bike repairman.

At creative therapy I finished drawing my doodle and started coloring it with ink and a brush, It's turning out nicely and I'm getting compliments on it, which I think are undeserved, because it isn't that great. It's just okay. I really want to sculpt again, but I can't find anything in the book that I want to make and I'm not inspired enough to make anything on my own. I have a blockage that keeps me from being free and expressive in clay and I do so want to be.

I can't break through the barrier of being an okay artist to being a shocking or controversial or renewing artist. I'm stuck on the middle of the road. I'm just a middle class artist and I'm afraid there's something missing in the core of me that will make me a little bit great and unusual, but I tell myself that I haven't been in touch with that part yet and that I need to do a lot more work.

That's why I need to invest in some art materials for here at home and I am going to have to spend some of my precious money and buy them.

Well anyway, all pondering aside, I have an inside scoop and that is that the clinic where my SPN and my psychiatrist work, is going to be having creative therapy also and I think that is mighty interesting for future reference.

I have been wearing my toe slippers none stop, because my little toe is so happy for the freedom from pressure on it. For the first time in more than six months it's not hurting, thank goodness for that. I will probably not wear regular shoes all summer. Even when it gets cold. Oh, listen to those famous last words.

Now I'm going to wash those doors.

Have a good day, everyone, a good and cool day with some rain in it.

Ciao...

As usual.

Being my usual lazy self on Saturday mornings, I still sit here in my bathrobe with my coffee and cigarettes and the Überhund at my feet. He has eaten and been out back, but he has not had his walk yet. I am postponing the inevitable as long as possible, because I do like my Saturday mornings. There is no better way to spend the morning than like this, so hopelessly ineffectual and irresponsible.

I had myself an excellent sleep and woke up at a decent enough hour. The sleep medication helps and lately I have been sleeping well and feeling very rested when I wake up, providing I don't try to do it too early. I do get up in the middle of the night and in the early morning to go to the toilet and I should not get it in my head then to stay up, because it would be a bad idea, as I would be a very grumpy person thinking her time to wake up was there and not being able to figure out why I wasn't feeling good. Stubborn as an ass, it wouldn't necessarily dawn on me that I needed to sleep some more.

The cat food experiment is going well, in that it is becoming clear that they prefer the more expensive one better. Well, they would, wouldn't they? They are persnickety cats and only want the best and I have raised them well and allowed them to have discriminating tastes. They eat the less expensive cat food too, so maybe I can find one that is priced somewhere in between. Some more experimenting needs to be done.

I have found out that the Überhund can do with less food and still be satisfied, in other words, he isn't looking for junk to eat off the streets. That was such a disgusting habit. I won't tell you what he all ate. The Butcher's and the Frolic are going down well and I only offer him a certain amount. He can do with it as he wishes and if he doesn't eat, it's his choice. If he eats it all, he doesn't get more. The cats are always more than happy to eat any leftover Butcher's.

Yesterday I discovered an area in the basement of a department store where they sell art supplies and frames and pas par touts. They have big frames there for my collages at a very reasonable price. I will be going back there when I have the money to buy four frames for my best collages and hang them up in the apartment. That will be after I paint the walls.

I want to paint the walls a sand color. They are white now, but really discolored from me smoking, so I think I will not want them white again. They would need painting again after a few years. The sand color would hide the smoke stains and look good with the furniture. I have to go to the hardware store and price the paint, as I have no idea how expensive it is. I may have to postpone all of this two months when I come into some money, but the plans are there anyway.

I think it's lovely that it's Saturday, but I do have to go to the grocery store today to pick up a few items. I think I will be buying a lot of soup, as this will become my meal several times of the day. I am not going to be eating porridge anymore, it's too fattening and I do need to loose some weight. The battery in the bathroom scales is dead, so I can't even weigh myself. I have to remember to buy a new one and not be shocked when I do weigh myself.

--------------------

I just spent nearly an hour on the phone with my older sister, so now the morning is nearly spent. I have to get the show on the road and walk the Überhund, who is incredibly patient so far. I enjoy talking to my sister and we find it difficult to hang up. We always have just one more thing to tell each other.

Okay people, time to go. Have a wonderful day, the sun is shining here again.

Ciao...

Quality Time.

I have tried to spend quality time with the Überhund, but he is sound asleep on his blanket and doesn't have a clue that he could be getting a nice rub on his belly right now or a good scratch between his ears or under his chin. He is oblivious.

I wanted to spend some time with him, because I have been gone a lot today, or busy, and I feel that I have neglected him, but I guess he doesn't feel that way at all. Now I am afraid that he is used to getting ignored by me and I want to make sure that I pay enough attention to him. I need to make it a point to sit on the sofa more often where I am accessible to him and he can come and get his ears scratched. I'm afraid I'm not always a good owner. I become preoccupied with things and I forget to pay attention to him and he's so quiet that I forget about him.

I had a wonderful time at creative therapy this morning.I found some old art magazines and they had some great pictures and text in a good font in them, so I had a good time cutting things out and arranging them on paper. I always try to add some humor to the texts and pull them out of their contexts. I try to come up with a surprising combination of text and pictures. The bad part is, when I am really getting into it, we have to pause for our coffee break and then I can't wait for it to be over so I can get back to work. I drink a double espresso and smoke two cigarettes and then I'm ready to go at it again.

Immediately following creative therapy, I had an appointment with my SPN, so I rode my bike over there straight away. Luckily, it hasn't rained all day, so I got there in a dry condition.

My SPN had news for me. Remember how I was going to be moved to the personality disorder group and get a new therapist and a new psychiatrist? She had been in contact with the therapists of this group and they have decided that, since I am doing so well, my current SPN is going to stay my therapist, but she is going to be in direct contact with the personality disorder team for support and feedback. Also, I am going to get a psychiatrist from this team who will be prescribing my medications and generally be keeping an eye on things.

My SPN was in fact not really working with my psychiatrist officially anymore. She had joined another team which includes the personality disorder team. She had kept me on, because we hit it off well and she did not want me to have to change therapists again, so she kept reporting to my psychiatrist. I am thrilled to bits at how this is working out, because I have the greatest amount of faith in her and I feel very comfortable around her and I get places with her and achieve things. And I am more than ready for another psychiatrist, as a matter of fact, I have been wanting a new one for quite some time now, as I have lost complete faith in mine and don't feel that we have any sort of bond anymore.

So, I very happily rode my bike home to the Überhund who had been waiting patiently for me to get there and who was quite happy when I walked in. His whole rear end wagged. I had taken all my artwork that was done home with me and I unpacked that and had a good look at it and was trying to decide what to do with it. I had two large collages that were 60 by 50 cm and I really wanted to frame those and hang them up, as I had gotten good responses to them. I just needed to get the frames.

I decided to take the bus downtown and go to the one store where I knew they sold reasonably priced picture frames and I went to the bus stop in a hurry and got there just as the bus got there too. I got off close to the Exfactor's work and stopped by and had a cappuccino with him, which he really enjoys, because he has quit smoking, except when he is around me and my cigarettes. After that interlude, I stopped by my favorite store and bought a really cute cardigan on sale for 30% off, so it was a bargain. Right, any excuse to add to the interesting collection of clothes.

Then I went to the store for the picture frames and became very frustrated, because the size that I wanted came with a pas par tout which added to the price and I didn't need it, but I bit the bullet and bought two of them and carried them to the bus stop where my bus was standing there waiting for me. What timing! The frames were heavy and I worried about dropping one and breaking the glass, but I made it home safely, where the Überhund was very happy again and wagged his rear end again.

So, the first thing I did was go for a walk with him very leisurely, to relax and take a breather and bond a little bit. He was happy to be out with me and it was nice to take a stroll through the neighborhood and not be in a hurry. Poor dog, he was on his own so much today.

I made myself something to eat and a decent cup of coffee and then I took pictures of all the collages and I promise to publish those tomorrow. I'm too tired to do that now. Don't expect anything nearly as fantastic as The Artful Eye makes, I am just an amateur and she is a pro compared to me. She makes wonderful artwork and one day I hope to be as good as she is. That's my goal. She is my inspiration.

Then, when everything was very quiet and settled down and cozy, I framed the collages and took the artwork down that was in the place where I wanted to hang the collages. It was very handy, because I didn't have to drill any holes, I could use the existing screws. And there they are hanging now, over the sofa, and I must say that I am rather pleased with the result. I also took one of my old collages out of an existing frame and put part of the book collage in it and it looks very nice as well and I didn't have to drill a hole for that one either. I just had to move the hanging wire on the back of the frame so I could hang it on a screw that was already in place. Power to the people!

I need to get one more big frame, but I'll wait with that until next month. I've got to pay the rent first.

All in all, looking back, it has been a busy, but productive and satisfying day, the best of which is really the news that my SPN told me and I think that is very fortuitous. Now I have the opportunity to really build up a strong and steady relationship with her that is going to be long term and long lasting and she will always be my primary care person. It feels good to know that and I feel secure in that. I have to let it all sink in and have it find it's place in my soul.

The Überhund and I just went for another walk and it is misty outside, which in its own way was kind of neat. The mist was hugging the ground, but up above the sky was clear and you could see the stars. It isn't very cold right now, but it's supposed to get colder at the end of the week, which is really a shame, because we are all enjoying this weather. There is no wind, that's the best part.

Alright, it's pajama time and then we'll see how much longer I last. It could be minutes, or it could be hours. All is well with the world and tomorrow is election day and for god's sake, please vote for the right man and you know who I mean.

By the way. a poll was done and 80% of the Dutch people would vote for Barack Obama. I'm just saying...

Ciao...

Comments.

Judging by some of the comments on the post with my pictures of the neighborhood, you had maybe expected something more quaint and rural, a pastoral scene, maybe. You all forgot that I live in a little suburb of a University town and that most of the neighborhood is newly built. What you see are streets cobbled with real stones and sidewalks laid with individual cement tiles. I was rather proud of the fact that I could show you as much greenery as I did in such a short distance. That's rather luxurious for a new neighborhood.

The pond, yes. I do on occasion go to the pond where there are ducks and a single heron. I promise to take that walk soon and show you what that is all about, but it won't be at its prettiest now, of course. Maybe I'll do that this weekend, although it's supposed to rain on and off today and tomorrow. We'll see.

Poisonous Mushrooms

A bit of 'art' thrown in to see if you are paying attention and to check if I still have any skills left. I think I need some practicing. That's another good thing to do on a rainy day.

There has a new shopping center been built just around the corner from me with all the best discount stores in it. There's a household goods store and a drugstore and a supermarket and a cheap store for socks and underwear and pajamas and sheets, etc. There is going to be a clothing store there as well, but I don't know if they'll have the bigger sizes that I wear still. It will be worth checking out when they open, though. I will be one of their first customers, you can count on that. I am very happy with the drugstore, because it is one of the best and has the biggest assortment of items you may want. I have always wished for one to be close by here. It will save me the trip downtown.

Well, now I've got to go and do some useful stuff around here. Can't dawdle here all day long, much as I want to. I've still got to put my face on and my necklaces. I feel naked without them.

Ciao...

More Art.

Sunshiny Happy

Lobster

Probable Landscape

I don't know which of these images I have shown here before, but they are some that I was able to retrieve from another source. I have lost the titles to a lot of these too, so I'm making them up as I go along. Hope you enjoy them.

Some Art.

Small Plant leaf

Still life with cats.

Ashes with red knob.

In an attempt to regain some art again after accidentally losing so much of it.

Exuberance.

In my exuberance to get everything back to normal after I got rid of Ubuntu, I accidentally got rid of a whole bunch of images that I thought I had stored on my memory sticks, but it turned out that I had already removed them from there and now they are all lost to me. I am being somewhat lackadaisical about the whole thing and don't at all see it as the disaster it could really be. I know that I can get the photographs of my grandson and my daughter from her again and my artwork, well, that's gone and I will have to create new art from I don't know what sources, because a lot of that is gone as well. It is the kind of stupidity that I have not committed in a long time, so I am very forgiving of myself and I assume there is a reason for it and I will find out down the road what it is. Something about fate and karma and things in life happening for a specific cause and all that. There is no such thing as an accident.

Today has been a 'let's pretend there is no household to take care of day' and it has suited me very well. After I saw my SPN in the morning, I took a long nap on the sofa and I needed that, as emotional exhaustion needs taking care of also by getting some extra sleep. I had slept on the sofa before I went to see her and had gotten up just in time to get ready and walk the Überhund before I had to leave. Sleeping a lot always signals some sort of turning point for me and I hope this one does too.

I've lowered my dose of anti-psychotic medication back to the normal dose, as taking too much of it can make you somber and it is better not to take more of it when you are no longer hypomanic. I wrote my psychiatrist an email telling him I was doing this, but I have not heard from him yet. He has the final say on all my medication, but does give me some leeway when I use my common sense. I do have some on occasion.

I had to bicycle through the rain this morning, but it turns out that I have an indestructible hairdo. I have it trained and coiffed so well that it keeps it shape even when it gets drizzled on and blown about. You just don't touch it after it has gotten really wet, but let it dry and make sure you don't interfere with it. It dries like a little helmet on your head and then you can brush it into shape again quite easily, for it has kept its form. This works with short hair quite well and a very good hairspray, not the cheap kind anyway.

But now we have real Autumn weather and I have closed the little windows at the top of the living room windows and now I even have the heater on to take the chill out of the apartment. That's a first for this season. I have started to wear a scarf when I go outside and I have weatherproofed both my new jackets. Pretty soon I'll start wearing layers of clothes.

I had to get 2 pairs of leggings for my dance class and I got black ones and I am wearing a pair now to make sure I got the right fit and I must say that they are very comfortable. I enjoy wearing them a lot and can see myself wearing them when I don't go to the dance class. Maybe I will get more in different colors, but that means spending money and I think I've done enough of that for now and I need to stop doing that. I may look in the Hema department store and at M&S Fashion to see how expensive theirs are.

I just had my sister on the phone and she was short and to the point, saying in a very matter of fact way that she is not doing well, but that is just the way things are and what are you going to do about it. Not at all inviting to a discussion or an offer for help. So, I don't know what to do there. I am discombobulated.

I am unable to take the Überhund for a walk, because it is raining again and I have tried to explain this to him and somehow he has understood it, because he is sound asleep now. These are the dull gray and cold days of the Fall when the weather doesn't invite you to go outside and gather in the glory of the changes that are taking place in nature, although they are happening all around us. The worst part of it is the darkness of the day, which I fight by lighting the lamps in the living room to make it a bit cheerful in here.

Tomorrow is my ergo therapy class, then I have a one hour break and after that I have my dance class. I like moving to music and I don't think we'll be dancing the tango or the rumba. The more free flowing, the better. I do have feeling for rythm and melody and am able to translate that into the movement of my body. I can be quite uninhibited when I really forget myself and get lost in the music. I think it will be a good experience.

I do have to remember to bring my midday medication, as a matter of fact, I think I will use one of those little pill boxes that my mother collected and that I somehow ended up with. I just have a few of them and one of them will come in handy now. That is, if I can figure out where I've put them.

Alas, I need to end this post and get something to eat and possibly walk the Überhund using an umbrella, although that would mean he would still get wet and he doesn't like that very much. But he does enjoy getting rubbed dry with a towel very much and I have an old one especially for that purpose.

Take care, keep warm and dry, and don't let the lack of sunshine get you down too much.

Ciao...