Languidly sitting in my chair.

I've got some sleeping left to do, but I'll do that later when I'm more in the mood for it. I woke up a while ago in my tiny bed, sleeping next to a certain person, and it was very warm and comfortable, but a little cramped. So I got up, ready to continue sleeping on the sofa, but I got waylaid by the computer and the Senseo machine and I thought I would just sit down in the quiet of the early morning and try to write a post, but I've got a problem.

How do you tell what an absolutely splendid and lovely time you're having without giving the other person's secrets away? Just speak for myself?

I'm having an absolutely splendid and lovely time and it is ever so much better and lovelier than the first time and so very much more intimate and affectionate. Speaking for myself, I can say this is love in all the best senses of the word. And I'm not worried, because I'm not hopelessly in love like a foolish teenager, but I love deeply like a grown up woman with all the knowledge I have of the object of my love to go with it. All the years that I've known him enter into it to make it a complete picture. And that's what makes it so enjoyable and satisfying. I feel there are no enigmas, no puzzles to solve. What I see, is what I get and it's familiar.

He brought me a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses and After Eight chocolate mints, which are my favorites and which I have been eating all night and this morning. I think they're all gone now. I happen to be very fond of yellow roses, so he guessed that right, but then he always brings me flowers and they are always pretty. You see, I'm not the least bit prejudiced concerning his tastes. I think they are fine. I even like the way he dresses and his aftershave and his body lotion. No, I'm not the least bit prejudiced.

Right, I'm supposed to talk about other things too now. I'll tell you that it's 3C outside and cloudy and that it's going to be cloudy all day, but we're not expecting any rain, according to my weather forecast on the computer. I have to go to the tobacco shop today and to the post office, I think that will be a good outing for Joost and me. We can walk there and get some fresh air. Last night, when we walked the dog, it was drizzling and there was a cold wind blowing and it was just miserable to be outside. I had half planned to take the bus downtown, but it really was not the night for it. Even with the overhead heating it would have been no fun to sit on a café terrace. We need a better night for that. So, we'll save that for the next time.

It's fun to make plans for what we will do the next time, beside the obvious things. It will be nice when the weather gets better and we can be outside more. That's another good reason to look forward to springtime, which I'm already doing now that we have the winter solstice behind us and it has been the shortest day already. It can only move upward from here. Of course, we have those dark and cold January and February months to get through, but they will go by in a snap and once those are behind us, the rest will be easy. I'm totally discounting March and April here, you see, as I think they are just preludes and parts of springtime. Always try to see the glass half full.

At least it's nice and warm in here. I've got my feet by the radiator and they are toasty warm. The dog is lying next to me, because that is where he belongs. That's what he thinks, anyway, and I agree with him.

We had Dutch pancakes for dinner last night. They are like crepes, only I had not made them myself this time. I promised to do so the next time and to make them with buttermilk, because those are the best. I was able to eat one pancake myself, which surprised me and it was very good, not as good as when I make them, but good enough. I have to find some real maple syrup, because the pancake syrup that they have here is too sweet to my liking. There's nothing like real maple syrup, after all.

My hair is very fashionably sticking up straight in all directions. Luckily, it looks like it's supposed to be that way. A little bit of wax will tame it and get it to go in the right direction. The right side sticks up funnier than the left, that's the side I sleep on, the right side, I mean. Sometimes you see people walk around with that "just slept on look" when they haven't quite combed their hair good enough and it has taken on the shape of their pillow. You can tell if they sleep on their back or on their side. They look good from the front, but when you walk around them, it's another matter. I'm sure I look this way myself sometimes. Yes, I notice things like that, don't you?

I feel like a well loved woman and I like the feeling very much. It makes me feel mellow and warm and very pleasant. I can recommend it to anybody. Let yourself be cuddled and treated well, it opens you up and makes you feel like a whole new woman. It ought to be a special treat for everybody, to be loved by their best friend. There's no better person in the world for it. I hope you're either married to that person, or that you have somebody in your life like it. But then again, maybe I am very lucky and this is a unique situation. Maybe it's because of who he is that it's possible. I'm sure that's a very large part of it.

Well, I could go on and on with all sorts of sentimental drivel, but I'm sure you're not waiting for that. I just took my medicines and I'll check my emails and read some blogs, which I think I'm a little behind in. I'll probably have to go back to sleep for a while. It doesn't matter. The day is my oyster. I'll take it as it comes.

Ciao,
Nora

First Christmas Day.

In the Netherlands we celebrate two Christmas days on the 25th and the 26th, so today is the first Christmas day. We don't as a rule exchange presents, but do start off the day eating good things with our cups of coffee and I just had a double chocolate chocolaty cake with peach filling at my sister's with my café latte. It was almost like eating pure chocolate, it was so good, and I could have had all I wanted, but unfortunately one piece was all I could handle and it was on the small side too. My sister would have liked to invite me for dinner as well, but since I can't eat anything she's going to serve, that's an exercise in futility and frustration, so we don't even consider that. It's very disappointing when you can never have dinner at someone else's house, but that's the price I pay for the gastric band.

We reminisced and talked about our childhood and about our mutual marriages and about our children and about what we have in common and how we function as human beings. We come from the same nest and have the same kind of oddities and the same kind of unique attitudes. We are more similar than we are different and that became apparent today as we shared some of our deeper thoughts about ourselves and how we deal with relationships and problems we run into as a whole. We are not so far removed from the core as we think we are. Our childhood very much influenced who we turned out as people and left a big impression on our personalities and we struggle with it regularly. Why this subject came about today of all days is a mystery, but sometimes we find ourselves in these conversations.

Last night, after I finished writing my post, I made lists of all the books I have mooched and that didn't take all that long. Then I arranged the rest of the books by color and I was done with everything within an hour. I need some bookends, because not all the cubicles are filled up, but I don't know if I have any of those. The Exfactor may have some that he may let me have. I'll have to ask him. I need some very simple metal ones, the kind they use in the library. I have one or two of them, but I need about three more. I should have grabbed what I could when I had the chance. I was not greedy enough.

Anyway, the bookcase looks great and I have two cubicles that can be filled with more mooched books. Some cubicles are tightly packed and not a pin can be pushed in between. That's what happens when you try to get all the same colors together.

-------------------

I've just slept two hours on the sofa. I was falling asleep behind the computer, practically nodding off. I think I need a cup of coffee and a strong one too. Tsk, tsk, nodding off while I'm writing a post, it's terrible. I hope I'm not that sleep inducing when you read it.

I've made myself a cup of strong coffee and now I can join the living again. The first thing I had to do was feed the dog, who then refused to eat because I was not right there beside him while he ate. So I stayed by him while he ate what was in his bowl. Silly dog. The cats weren't pleased, because that didn't leave anything for them to eat, beside their own kibbles. It's hard to please everybody and I don't even start trying.

So, I've wasted First Christmas Day doing absolutely nothing noteworthy, which is as it should be. Tomorrow is another day and I will finish my chores then, although officially it's a holiday. I don't care, though. You can have too many holidays in a row too and I need to vacuum my bedroom. There are dog hairs there that need removing and the bathroom floor needs to be mopped. I'm a great one for doing chores, aren't I? I talk about them more than I spend time doing them.

Does your dog scratch the rug too in order to make a good place to lie down? My dog is always doing that, as if he digging himself a hollow to lie down in. Apparently he thinks it works, because he keeps doing it.

I have to go walk him now and thank goodness it has stopped raining, because it was doing that nonstop too earlier. It's a balmy 4C outside. Nowadays you're thankful for any degrees above zero Celsius. All the rain has made the last of the slippery snow disappear, so that's good. No chance of breaking your neck anymore. Watch, these were my famous last words as I found the last patch of icy snow.

I hope you're all having a good time celebrating this holiday. Amazingly enough, it doesn't bother me that I'm spending most of it on my own. It is fine, as I have the animals and I did see my sister and I will see Joost on Sunday. But it really isn't a bad time to spend by myself and I can always watch the horrible Christmas shows on television.

Ciao,
Nora

Christmas Eve

I slept well last night, about 9 hours, which is not bad when you consider I went to bed early too. I was in bed by 9:30 pm and asleep a short time after that. When I got up this morning, I was not quite done sleeping, but I had to get up on time and be functioning, because my sister and I were going grocery shopping early to avoid the crowds. Well, the whole neighborhood must have had the same idea, because there was already a crowd when we got there. So, we got our trolleys and split up and did our shopping and met again at the cash registers. I thought I had spent too much money, but the total wasn't as bad as I had anticipated, which was a relief. I had bought some extras because of the holidays, because you do have to get into the swing of things a little bit and I had to buy food for Joost, who is going to be here the day after Christmas. He does have a healthy appetite.

After I got home and had unloaded everything, and had eaten breakfast, I went back to bed and slept for another two hours, because I just couldn't wait to do that and while I was waiting for my sister to come and pick me up earlier, I had almost fallen asleep on the sofa. I think it's because I'm back on my old dose of antipsychotics again, but I'd rather be sleepy than paranoid and, let's face it, that's what I was yesterday. As a matter of fact, I just had to call for a new recipe for them, because I didn't realize I was almost out of them and I got my psychiatrist on the line and I told him I was taking three tablets and he didn't complain about it or protest. He's leaving it up to me, which I think is pretty decent of him. I do have to learn my own lessons, after all, and not climb in the phone to him every time something is wrong.

So, today I have to finish cleaning the apartment. I have to get on my knees and scrub the kitchen floor, especially the area where the animals always eat. It's pretty messy there. You can tell it has not been cleaned for awhile. I've got a great scrub sponge, though, that works wonders. It and a little elbow grease will take care of it. Plus lots of sudsy warm water, of course. I'm a great believer in that and it feels good to put your hands in.

I also have to walk the dog again and I hope he forgets it for just a while, because I'm not quite ready yet. I'd like one more cup of coffee before I really get started. I so need that. And I would like to drink a tall glass of juice, because I'm very thirsty, so I suppose I'll have that first.

I just noticed that a cat barfed under the coffee table, so that will be my first clean up job. Oh, aren't I lucky? Fortunately, I have lots of paper towels.

I am most definitely not in the same mood I was in yesterday and I can only assume it is because of the medication and it seems to me that I have tried to do with less before and that it didn't work out then either. I said at the time, that I would never decrease the amount again, but for some reason I had forgotten that or I thought it was necessary. I must remember not to do this, but to stick to this dose no matter what. Even if it does make me sleepy and a bit flat emotionally. It is preferable to how I felt yesterday, which was just awful and not at all the way I would want to go through life. I seemed to have forgotten my common sense and my optimism and I could only see the dark side of things and be suspicious of everything and everybody. What sort of an attitude is that?

Well, I must end this now. All sorts of duties call me. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat getting ready to do them.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Very early in the morning.

Well, I'm up and about again while J. sleeps in the bedroom in my little single bed. I slept on the sofa again, as usual, because it's just impossible for two people to sleep in that little bed together. One of them will fall out during the night and J. is too tall to sleep on the sofa and I'm used to it. I think I may have to get a double bed at the recycle store.

I did a massive cleaning job in an hour's worth of time yesterday afternoon. I worked my butt off and didn't get everything quite done before J. got here. I thought, "Oh, what the heck," and just left undone whatever I didn't get around to. The major stuff got done and I finished some small things while he was already here, like watering the plants and drying the dishes. I mopped the bathroom floor, but the other floors didn't get done, although they really needed it too.

Of course, J. doesn't come here to check if I'm a good housewife, but I do have enough sense of pride that I want the place to look halfway decent. He's known me for so long now that I don't have to make a big impression on him. I think we've been friends now for at least 7 years. That's a long time, isn't it, to get to know each other well?

Toby and Gandhi have decided that they like him very much and both laid on his lap together and would have stayed there all day and night if we had let them. They were so happy. That's because J. doesn't have a bad bone in his body and the animals sense that. It is the same way with Jesker who is always happy to see him and not the least bit insecure. He just accepts J. as someone who belongs here.

Yes, what the heart is full of, the mouth flows over with. That's an old Dutch saying that applies well now.

Anyway, yesterday was a very blustery day and the wind just about whipped the clothes of your body, although it was not cold. Every time I walked Jesker, I geared myself for some strong gusts of wind and I didn't bother about my hair, because it blew any which way, which was alright, because it was easy to fix with a few rubs over my head with both my hands. Sometimes short hair is very umcomplicated, especially if it's cut right and you don't have a lot of wax and hairspray in it, which I don't have now since I colored it.

Oh, by the way, I used that shampoo and conditioner I bought and it's great stuff. You know how normally when you wash your colored hair it gets that dull look? Well, it didn't this time. You have to leave the conditioner in your hair for two minutes and then rinse it out well and your hair comes out looking great. They should ask me to advertise that stuff. I could be their spokeswoman. And get paid for it, yeah! I should be so lucky. I would be happy if they gave me free products. Do you hear me Andrelon?

The animals are awake and are expecting unknown things of me. They all sit in my close vicinity and I'm supposed to figure it out. I will have to do a quick inspection of all the food bowls and turn the cold water faucet on for Toby. It seems that running water is the only kind of water he wants to drink.

Well, that's all I've got to report without going into the details, really. I hope you'll all have a wonderful Sunday with loudly chiming church bells and lots of sunshine. It's going to rain here, but they said that yesterday too and it hardly did.

Ciao,
Nora

At the end of the afternoon on Friday.

The dishes are soaking in hot sudsy water in the kitchen sink. I hope all the dirt soaks off so I'll hardly need to scrub them. I'm going to change the water in the sink before I wash them. It will be necessary, because it will be lukewarm by the time I get around to doing them. I do so enjoy doing the dishes if the food particles come off easily and I'm left with sparkling glasses and shiny silverware. Now, these are a week's worth of dishes, so hardly a cup or a glass is clean and I really have to do them now. I'm all for toss out cups and plates, but I think that nowadays I can't get away with that. It would be highly wasteful and ecologically unsound. But if I could get away with it, I would do it. I'm lazy enough for it.

After I got up this morning and got myself all dressed and dolled up and shiny new and ready to go, and it was just about time to get on my bike, I realized that I needed to sleep, so I undressed and crawled into bed and was asleep in no time at all and slept for three more hours. Then, when I got up, I felt good and had a cup of coffee and was ready to face the day. I was incapable of it the first time. My somberness got in the way of me, and when it does, I need to go to sleep. There's no other solution for it.

I'm so glad that I know this about myself and that I am in a position to do something about it immediately, because I have no other people depending on me. Imagine if I had children now that needed taking care of, what would I do? Or I had a job to go to? I would sit there in pure misery and have a little nervous breakdown and be unable to do my work properly. Of course, I have been in those situations in the past and have known plenty of misery when I was unable to figure out what was wrong and I was absolutely miserable and completely depressed or stressed out and unable to function. I always blamed it on my situation and not on something that was the matter with me. That was before I knew myself as well as I do now.

So anyway, I made a shopping list, because I knew the Exfactor was coming and I had a lot of groceries to get and knew he would do them for me so I would not have to take my life in my own hands by trying to bring them all home on my bicycle. No matter how long I live in this country, I will not become a natural bicyclist. I am, in my heart, a car driver. I feel insecure on my bike and always feel that if I don't have perfect control over it, something will go terribly wrong and I will have an accident. That's how I feel when my bike is loaded down with groceries, so I'm always very happy to let the Exfactor do them.

I've gotten to the point now, where I don't mind doing the actual shopping. As a matter of fact, that's kind of enjoyable, especially if I have the money to spend and I can buy something extra that is not on the list. That was not the case today, of course. Today was the day for frugal shopping and watching every penny. It comes down to nickels and dimes. I don't mind that, as long as there is enough to go around and we don't go hungry. But shopping itself is not a bad thing to do. It can be fun to walk around the store and look at all the things that you're not going to buy, or that you would have bought if you didn't have that darn gastric band. And you may have noticed that I'm completely over my appetite for French cheese. I don't long for it anymore at all.

So, the Exfactor did the groceries and I walked the dog and together we unloaded the groceries when he got back, while the dog serenaded us, because that's a tradition he thinks we can't do without. The Exfactor had a beer and I had a cup of coffee and we talked about cows and calves as we say here, meaning, we talked about nothing important and everything in general. Not all of our conversations can be deep and meaningful, after all. Sometimes he mentions his girlfriend and it causes just the tiniest pinprick of discomfort with me. Nothing serious, really. It is a reality that I can't get around and I'd rather that he just talks about her in a normal way than that he is silent about her. That would make me more uncomfortable, as if she were a deep dark secret.

Now I'm just sitting here writing this post, but in reality postponing doing those dishes. I'm very good at procrastinating. I work well under pressure and the apartment needs to be cleaned up by tomorrow afternoon at 2 pm, because that's when my friend J. is going to be here. So you would think I would be running around like a chicken with its head cut off, but I am not. Everything will get done and there will be more than enough time.

Well, that's a short story, but that's all I have to report. I am not very long winded today. It wasn't a day of great adventure and I'm sure nothing very exciting is going to happen this evening. I'll tell you about it tomorrow if it does.

So, I wish you all the best of evenings and the best of days and I hope something good crosses your path.

Ciao,
Nora

Little old me...

I'm on my own again and enjoying it, even though I had a nice time with Joost here, but I do so like my time on my own and being able to sit behind the computer and catch up on all the blogs and leave comments, and also read my emails and answer those. I need my time to be able to do that and I certainly am not anti social enough to do that while I have company. A little bit of both is just enough. Some company to talk to and some computer time to get that out of my system. If I always could combine those two, my life would be perfect, well, near perfect. There's always a hitch somewhere.

Joost and I are perfect company for each other, because we are both low key people and on the quiet side and we both like serenity and predictability and not much excitement, so we always take it real easy when he is here and just enjoy our talks and each other's company and our walks with the dog. We don't need to do anything out of the ordinary to have a nice time. I think he appreciates the fact that I'm so mellow and the same goes for me about him and he helps me do the dishes...

It's also nice to be on my own again, because I do appreciate that also. Apart from the fact that I can sit behind the computer. I do need a certain amount of alone time, when all I have is my own company and I can fill my time how I see fit and I don't have to be attentive to someone else and all I hear is my own voice speak to the animals. I like a certain amount of absolute silence uninterrupted by anything, no music, no television, no radio, nothing, just silence. Well, the occasional snoring of the dog and the pitter patter of the cats that walk by on the linoleum and the sound that they make when they chew their kibbles ever so gently.

Those are little cozy sounds that comfort me and make me feel good and that all is well with the world for right now. Especially on a Sunday evening when everything seems to have come to a temporary pause before it becomes that busy Monday with all its responsibilities and worries.

I don't want to think about Monday yet and absolutely stay in this moment that I have here now. This peacefulness that exists now. The animals that are asleep and the quiet that is all around me. I haven't watched television all day and I have no idea what's going on in the world and for now I will leave it that way. It's better for my peace of mind if I don't know anything right now and concentrate on the very fact that I am sitting here typing this and trying to gather my thoughts while I listen to the dog snore.

It's good to read other people's blogs, because you are exposed to other people's ideas and thoughts or concerns or bits of happiness and it affects your viewpoint on humanity. It also gets you out of your own head and your own somewhat limited view on your little world and into the larger world of a bigger group of people. Each blog triggers something in your head, some sort of response, sometimes big and sometimes little and sometimes it's a memory of things that happened to you a long time ago. Not everything is important. A lot of times it doesn't really matter that much and what you read is just a passing amusement, but some things are big and make you think and stay with you.

I would say that my knowledge of human beings has grown quite a bit since I've started reading blogs. One thing I have realized, is how much alike we all are, and by that I mean especially the women, because I read mostly blogs written by women. We have so many of the same longings and likes and dislikes and emotional lives. That doesn't mean that we're not all unique and very special. We are not interchangeable, but in our cores we meet and recognize each other and it seems to me that we can be a huge support group for one another, because there is a lot of compassion out there, or maybe I'm just lucky and I meet the right people.

Of course, you have a tendency to gravitate toward certain blogs and the people who write them and you start to feel an affinity for them. I shy away from certain blogs, because I don't feel comfortable there. I feel out of place or out of my depth. There's a certain kind of ironic humor that I just can't handle, I'm too serious for that, although I like the occasional slapstick. I'm not sophisticated enough to handle constant wit and sarcasm and self deprecation. I want to waylay it.

What happened to my quiet, peaceful moment? I turned into a ponderous, thoughtful one. All for the sake of one remark. I must watch my words, because one thing leads to another.

Now I must go to bed, unfortunately, and I still have to take out the trash. Mustn't forget that!

Sleep tight, those who are about to go to bed, and those who aren't, have a great rest of the day.

Ciao...

Obviously...

Well, it must be obvious to all of you that I write these posts to avoid doing one thing, and one thing only, and that is housework, because it is waiting for me and I find all sorts of excuses, short of glue on the computer chair, not to get up from here. I would say we have a case of serious household neglect here, but believe me, things aren't as bad as I make them sound and an hour's worth of work will set everything right. My household is never in as dire straights as it was when I was depressed and couldn't be bothered at all, and I do like to pretend that I'm not bothered one bit now and can wait it out.

Saturday, my friend Joost is coming, so Friday afternoon, I'm planning on doing most of the work, including mopping the living room floor. I'm not seeing my friend Von on Friday, because she has other plans in another part of the country, so I'll have the whole afternoon off. In a way, I'm happy about this, because it fits better with my schedule, so I can do some grocery shopping on Saturday morning and change the bed then.

Because I walked the dog so late this morning, and we went quite a distance, he is still sound asleep on his blanket and gone from this world, oblivious to everything. I was kind of hoping that he would be awake by now, but I suppose I will have to wait a while before we go on our next trek. I want to do it before it seriously starts to rain again, which it is supposed to later on today, I think. And me without a raincoat! I'll wear my jeans jacket.

Toby just managed to make clear to me that the kibbles that were left in the bowl were stale and that I had to pour those out and put in new ones. That's quite an achievement for a cat. He hardly gave me time to pour the new kibbles in, that's how hungry he was. The poor cat. Sometimes my mind is not quite on things the way they should be and the animals have to make themselves quite clear to me.

Toby eats first and then Gandhi eats, that's the hierarchy in this place. Toby is the dominant cat. That's the way he walks around here too, with a sense of ownership, if he could strut, he would, he is cool. Gandhi is just a lovely female cat with a lovable personality. She is very affectionate and thinks the world of Toby, but she has a healthy amount of respect for him. He gave her a short beating once to let her know who was boss and that was it. The hierarchy was established and has remained so ever since.

Despite my efforts at cooling the apartment down, it never gets cooler here than 24 degrees Celsius, even when it is 18 outside. Maybe I shouldn't complain about that, because it is rather a nice temperature. The walls seem to trap the heat.

Oh, guess who just woke up? Yes, His Highness himself. He hasn't quite made up his mind what he wants yet and is rolling around on the floor. Any minute now he will know what he wants and come ask for it. I guess becoming fully awake takes a while.

It is raining a little bit now, but not enough to keep us from walking. It will keep doing this for the rest of the day, probably. That's been forecast. I don't mind it too much, because it means it's cooler outside and I like that. That's why I'm not going to mind Autumn, as long as it doesn't bring sleet and wet snow.

Well, Jesker let himself out and came back in very proudly demanding a snack as a reward. I guess that's how the system works when the back door is open. No doubt he'll really have to go out shortly, because he only piddles there and does none of his other business out back. He is a very hygienic dog.

I bought chocolate granola bars at the store, and although I'm eating them. I don't like them very much, because they are much too sweet. I am going to finish the box and never buy them again. I think they must pack most of those kinds of foods with lots of sugar to make it appetizing to kids, because thatś the market it is geared for. I was royally disappointed, because I was expecting something more crunchy and wholesome, instead of something so soft and sweet.

Most of those "healthy" in between snacks are loaded with sugar and very fattening, even though they claim to be low in fat. You may just as well buy a box of ordinary cookies, or wheat biscuits, which are excellent with a cup of tea. There's nothing better than dunking your biscuit in a cup of hot sugared tea. Does anybody know the joys of that anymore? That's what we had when we were kids and we came home from school. Your mother at home waiting with a pot of hot tea on a tea cozy and a box of biscuits and an apple to take outside when you went to play with all the other kids in the neighborhood.

His Highness has gone back to sleep. I don't know what to make of it. He is laying here beside me without a care in the world. I guess that's what you do when you are a 12 year old dog. You sleep a lot. It's raining harder now, so maybe it is just as well.

Well, now I will do a little bit of housework, just enough to satisfy the Household Gods that must be kept happy. First, I must eat something.

Cheerio...

Liberation Day.

Today is Liberation Day. We celebrate the end of WWII and it is a national holiday, so that means that everyone has the day off, including me. No creative therapy for me today, even though I was looking forward to it very much.

I woke up at 7 am, all ready to go and do something, but there was nothing to do. Well, obviously there is the house cleaning, but we already knew about that and it really is going to get done this week, because this weekend my friend Joost is coming to stay with me. I must have a clean apartment by then. Although I'm sure that Joost will forgive me any speck of dirt he finds.

So, today I must fill my own day and I think I will just let things naturally evolve. There's no rush and no push to get certain things done at a certain time and all the stores are closed. Much to my disgust, I might add, because I could have gone into town and bought those frames for my collages, but maybe I'm not supposed to spend the money now.

Oh yes, it is raining. The bad weather finally caught up with us and we got it from England where it landed first. We're supposed to have a dry spell for a little while and then some more rain, but the weekend looks good.

I don't mind the rain, except that I have to walk the Überhund in it, but it's not coming down in buckets, so I suppose we'll survive that. The Überhund refuses to go out when it comes down in buckets anyway. He has great bladder control, which can't be said for me.

I always have to know where the toilets are everywhere I am and when I have to go, I can't delay it, I have to go immediately or I'll have an accident. That can be quite embarrassing when you're a grown up woman.I've had this problem to some extent my whole life, it has just gotten worse as I have gotten older. Yes, I do wear pads.

Confidential information in a blogger's post, hee hee.

The advantage of having a gastric band is, that when you drink a glass of cold Coke, it fills you up immediately and it feels as though you've had a meal. It also makes you burp a lot. It's very embarrassing when your gastric band makes you do a long slow burp in polite company when you're drinking an espresso and everybody gets a shocked look on their face. You then have to explain that it's because of your gastric band and that leads to a whole other discussion. People say in disbelieve, "You mean they never take it out again!?" No, they don't, because otherwise you'll become as fat as you were before, if not fatter.

I went to bed last night and never even opened my book. I just put my head on my pillow and went to sleep. That's how tired I was. No wonder after having been up for such a long time, but it felt so good. At the rate I am reading books, though, it takes me forever to get through one and I keep having to reread passages, because I am so sleepy when I read them the first time.

I am not getting around to reading during the day, because I never have a dull moment. Sometimes it's nice to sit and do nothing at all, but to stare out the window and watch the occasional car and bicyclist ride by. Those are just short moments, though, because when I sit down, the Überhund wants to be petted and a cat wants a lap to sit on. They know they can't bother me when I'm behind the computer, so they wait for their opportunity. Yesterday, Toby walked on the keyboard and shut the computer down. It may have been a gentle hint.

My daughter sent me an email with some photos of Lantanas attached to it. This particular kind was called "Irene" and she said she bought them in honor of me. I thought that was very nice. I will be remembered in her garden for a long time.

The mountain ash berries out back are now getting green and are forming shoots. They always look very dead at the beginning of spring, but then, suddenly, they come to life and sprout branches and leaves in no time at all. They only get sun in the morning, so that's not very much and I'm sure that's why the process is delayed, but pretty soon they'll be beautiful and I'll take pictures of them.

I just realized that I have a gray bolero, but that I don't have a short gray cardigan that's knitted of cotton. That's a huge gap in my wardrobe. I must rectify that soon, or my life will not be complete. You know what that means, don't you? I have another mission!

Well, now I have to wake the sleeping dog and brave the rain and go for a short walk with him. Luckily, I have rainproof hair. The rain just bounces right off my short hard spikes.

Anyway, have yourself a really nice day and don't let whatever weather get you down. Remember, it's only temporary.

Ciao...

I have to...

I have to start writing a post, otherwise I will fall asleep again behind the computer. I feel myself nodding off. Well, you all say, go back to bed then, but I'm not quite in the mood for that right now.

I woke up face down on my book, with my reading glasses still on, and with indentations around my eyes from them, so I look like a raccoon. It is not a pretty sight.

So, I just ate a bowl of porridge and now I'm having another coffee and I should be joining the human race any minute now. Yes, in the quest for complete alertness, I am willing to make big sacrifices. I will eat and drink until I am out of my stupor and fully functioning.

Well, those were some last famous words, because I went to the sofa and laid me down to sleep for another 3 hours. That's better, isn't it? I don't know why I was so resistant to that in the first place. All I had to do was sleep a little longer. Crazy woman...

One big thing I had planned to do yesterday was write Christmas cards and, of course, I didn't do that. Instead, I spent my time behind the computer and watching TV and falling asleep watching TV. Now I must do it today, there is no escaping it.

Gosh, I make it sound like it is some terrible job that is like a punishment that I have to undergo. Of course, it is nothing like that at all. I am just not looking forward to writing the note that I will have to include with the few cards that go to people who don't know that we're divorced. That's what really is keeping me from writing those Christmas Cards.

I bought a crinkly long green shawl yesterday for 5 Euros. It's really kind of neat and I wear it draped around my neck untied for decoration purposes. I was at the drugstore to buy vitamins and next door to it is a clothing store that had them on sale. I do love getting a bargain. I ordered a green denim skirt on line for 10 Euros and a yellow string tank top for 7 Euros. I love it when I can get deals like this. It was a savings together of more than 30 Euros. I am becoming so frugal, but at the same time, I want to look good.

My sister liked her necklace very much and put it on right away, so that was a success. We had some cheesecake and espressos and her kids showed us the new clothes they had bought downtown. They are old enough to go shopping by themselves and come home with just the right stuff. My nephew is the youngest at 14 and had bought himself 2 pairs of new shoes and he really had done a good job at choosing the right kind at the right prize. They get a monthly allowance that they also have to use to buy their own clothing with and they manage it well. It teaches them to plan and be responsible.

My friend Joost called me and we talked for an hour. It is a wonderful way to waste time. We always have something to say to each other and never fall into silences. He's probably one of the people I feel most at ease with, because I can tell him anything and he always has a wise word for me. I like having wise friends, you always learn something from them and I have learned a lot from Joost. I am happy that I have wise friends on line as well. There are people out there who, in a few sentences, can completely straighten me out. Having the perspective and input of someone else are always good things, especially when you know you can trust that person.

I drink milk faster than an elephant drinks water. No matter how many liters of it I buy, I only barely make it until I have the opportunity to got to the store again. Of course, I use it in my coffee and my muesli and porridge as well and I am somewhat limited in how much I can take with me from the store on my bike. Right now, I use 12 liters of milk a week. That's about 12 quarts of milk. I think a liter is just a little more than a quart. Still, that's 3 gallons of milk a week. That's a lot for a single person, isn't it? I try to always buy low fat milk, but when the store is out of that, I buy whole milk, I don't like the taste and look of nonfat milk. It's so watery, I feel that I am paying for almost nothing. I am very suspicious of nonfat milk.

When I was a kid, milk was left at the front door in bottles and a layer of cream was always at the top. Now, that was proper milk. And I liked hot milk and the fact that it always formed a a skin on top of it, because I liked to poke that with my finger and lick it up.

That was just a little aside.

We were in France once at a roadside restaurant to have coffee and in the first place, the coffee was horrible, but in the second place, the manager had watered down the milk and you could almost look through it, that is how opaque it was and it tasted terrible and did not make our coffee milky. The Exfactor complained very briskly in his excellent French and the manager acted like he was completely unknowing and innocent and as if he was completely confused. Didn't expect one of the tourists to come to him and speak very good French. It was such a farce.

That was another aside.

I think the Überhund wants to go out, I may be able to delay him for a few minutes, but that is it. He's done his piddle out back and now he wants to go for the real thing.

I hope you all have a great Sunday and that the sun shines for you. It does here.

Ciao...

Sometimes.

I mostly drink decaf now. I start the morning with regular coffee, but it is decaf after that. Every once in a while I have a mug of regular coffee when I need a pick me up, like right now when I feel myself starting to drift off to sleep and it is way too early still. I want to say profound things, like it is making me feel like a new person, but I don't know if that is true. Maybe I'm a little bit more mellow, but I'm not sure. I certainly feel like a sleepy person, that's for sure, but that is really nothing new, is it?

I think the Überhund's eyes are getting a little bit better. They don't seem so cloudy and red anymore, although we're not out of the woods yet. They still don't look good and he has a ways to go before they are really better. He's not rubbing them with his paws anymore, so that is an improvement.

Joost has come and gone. He was delayed quite a bit yesterday, because a tree had blown across the train tracks and the train was delayed by hours. Such a simple thing caused so many problems, it seems. Wait until it really becomes winter and we have snow and ice.

Speaking of which, it snowed today, but it was not quite cold enough for it to stay on the ground. There were some real big flurries with big snowflakes. It did look pretty, but it did not make me pine for a snow covered world. Think of all the inconvenience and we're basically not used to snow anymore and how to deal with it. All of the Netherlands would come to a stand still and there would be many accidents on the roads.

I was too tired to be a really good hostess to Joost and even took a nap on the sofa while he used the computer. I wonder if it is the lack of caffeine that is making me so. I can barely keep my mind on the subject at hand. I do feel like eating a lot constantly to get my energy up. Subconsciously my brain wants food for the energy to keep on working, when my body wants to go to sleep. Last night, I fell asleep with a glass of yogurt in my hands. Saved it just in time before it fell to the ground and shattered.

Listen people, I have to stop writing and get into my pajamas. I am not going to last much longer and I have to eat something nutritious before I go to sleep. The coffee hasn't helped and maybe I accidentally put in the decaf pads.

Have a good night and I'll talk to you tomorrow.

Mwah!

Cleaning.

I cleaned the apartment to day, while at the same time trying to cancel a membership with an Internet company, because I decided it wasn't worth the hassle to change in order to save a few bucks. It would have meant getting 2 new email addresses and a new telephone number, because they would not allow me to keep my old one, and I decided, oh, who needs all this bother, but it turns out that canceling something takes longer than signing up and I spent much time on hold and even now I don't know if everything is resolved properly. I had to call 4 different numbers to get things straightened out and I was put on hold everywhere.

This caused me to get behind in everything I had planned to do today, but luckily, the Exfactor came to the rescue and he walked the Überhund for me and went to the grocery store for me. That saved me a lot of time that I could spend cleaning and I didn't have to get all gussied up to go out. I am just about done now, I have to hang up one load of laundry and put another load in the machine. Oh yes, I need to clean the stove. Forgot about that.

I haven't taken my housework very seriously for the past few weeks and it showed. Things were just a wee bit dirty. The kitchen window was a disgrace and I really scrubbed it clean. A cat had barfed under the bed and I found that out when I vacuumed under it, that is always a nice surprise. Thank goodness for paper towels and a big bottle of cleansing liquid. I have been on my knees a lot today polishing the rough spots out of the linoleum. There's nothing like some elbow grease to get stuff clean. Luckily, my knees cooperated and they hardly hurt, so that is an improvement and now I can do any job.

Not having the party is a load of my mind, but I still had to get the place clean for Joost, as I did not want him to walk into a mess. Not that I want to come across as a highly talented housewife, oh no. A half way decent one maybe, yes.

If I hurry up, there will even be time to put on my face and look halfway acceptable and I will even brush my hair. That's why I am going to leave you now and get some last minute things done. A woman's work is never finished. Thank goodness for the Exfactor, huh? He got to be my rescuing knight today.

Mwah!

Done that.

I've been good and just about got all caught up on my blog reading, although I just saw that there was a new batch waiting for me. It will have to wait for later, maybe after I am done writing this, if I am not ready to go to sleep by that time. I have been known to be very stubborn and attempt to stay up and try to blog and do its associated activities when I should be in bed sleeping. I am now trying to imagine how nice it is to get my pajamas on in a while and to turn the heater up for a bit and to get all toasty warm before I hit the sack, as the Americans say. I assume they mean a sack filled with straw or grass that some people slept on way back then. In the pioneer days, maybe.

I don't know if I would have made a good pioneer, I think I would have preferred the comforts of some small new England farming town and stayed there, or a fishing village on the coast. I would have been a damn Yankee.

That's all talking by the wayside, because I am what I was meant to be and that is just an ordinary plain Dutch woman who doesn't stand out much one way or the other, except that I dress rather funky for my age and I get looked at for that reason. Oh, I know people stare sometimes, but I think, just let them, give them some cause for conversation, the small minded people. I have fun and that's the main thing.

I finished 2 projects in creative therapy today, because I suddenly knew what to do with them and did it. I have to remember to bring my art folder next week so I can bring things home with me and decide on what I want to frame and hang up. Did you know that hairspray works as a good sealant? It gives your work a bit of a shine too.

I have felt no desire to call the Exfactor and frankly he has been removed quite a few steps from my mind since Joost has been here. I find that a very healthy development and I feel like I've let go a lot this weekend. I don't feel any urgency anymore or the desire to be close to him or to see him or to be the apple of his eye. I think he is a rather silly man who doesn't know what in the world he is doing and I'm not going to help him figure it out. He will fall out of love with the Paramount and then he won't know what to do with himself and all of us will have moved on to different places.

That's the way, aha, aha, we like it. Excuse my silliness. For some reason, I didn't have a dip today and I was my normal cheerful self all day long. It was mighty nice and it comes as a great relief to me. Maybe the crisis is past me now and I can go on again as I was and get on with living my life the way it was with me concentrating on what concerns me and not on what supposedly hurts me and what is in the past. I think that talking so much with Joost about all sorts of things has helped me a lot and we only talked about my divorce briefly, it wasn't our main subject.

We talked about politics and economics and integration and the Holocaust and immigration, you name it, we talked about it. We see eye to eye on many things, except possibly Israel, for which Joost has a soft spot, because he is half Jewish. Not practicing, but still...He has many Muslim friends, however, and they respect each other.

I always feel a terrible compulsion to write, as if I have something very important to reveal to you, but when it comes down to it, I just tell you my ordinary thoughts and actions. I don't know how deeply I let you look into my soul. Sometimes I wish to be very profound and let loose with en enormous stream of consciousness and just let the words come pouring out, but I suppose I have an editor sitting beside me looking over my shoulder who prevents me from doing that.

I have experienced a lot of different things in my life and a lot of it reads like movie script or a made for TV six part drama. There were times when I thought that happiness would forever elude me and that life meant the same as serving a long sentence in a restricted prison block. No parole. Things happened that seemed to be extremely bad and cruel jokes that god played on me and were proof to the fact that I must be a very undeserving person. It's only in these last years that I have looked happiness right in the face for long periods of time and realized that I was entitled to it and that I too could lay claim to it and call it my birthright.

It is your right as a human being to feel long periods of happiness. Not because you're wealthy or because you're living in a palace and your wish is someone else's command. I mean happiness simply because you are alive and things basically go alright and the one day is as predictable as the next and no catastrophes wait around the corner for you. You get up and do all the normal things that belong to your day and go to sleep at night and you realize that it has been done successfully without a big hitch and you made it to the end of the day and now you are good and well tired and ready to rest your tired body. That's happiness by my standards.

That's why it is easy for me to say that I am cheerful now, because I had no dip this afternoon, I had the money to pay the mediator's fee, I did not get rained on once, I am not longing for the Exfactor and I am going to sleep in a little while in a comfortable bed and hopefully tomorrow will be a similar day. If that is in the least bit possible, I will be happy tomorrow too.

Well, so much for my philosophizing for tonight. I really am going to go to bed now after I take my medicines and make some warm milk to drink.

Ciao...

On my own again.

Well, I am alone again after enjoying Joost's company for 2 days and I have to say that it did me a lot of good and that suddenly The Exfactor has shrunk a bit in dignity and respect in comparison to Joost's good and upright character. The man who would literally not hurt a fly. I was very tempted to proposition Joost to have a 'living apart together relationship', but then I was worried about destroying our good friendship, so I did no such thing. We have such an easy camaraderie that I would hate to loose that by propositioning him with an idea that could not be further from his mind.

But being around him opened my eyes to some thing. Basically what it is to be with a good and decent human being who does not play a game and who is completely upright and honest, almost innocent in his approach to the world and the people in it. And who is so gentle and careful around other people and so respectful of them, it amazes me. No matter what kind of dysfunctional person you turn out to be, he keeps on giving you friendship and respect.

Well, I'm impressed, more so than other times when I had to share him with The Exfactor and had less time to spend alone with him. The Exfactor is so dominantly present that other people don't get noticed as much.

I shouldn't speak ill of the Exfactor, but only speak positively of Joost. I suppose I saw him through new eyes this weekend. That's good, that's eye opening to me and it makes me a stronger person than I was before, because I know something now.

Anyway, Joost said he would be back at Christmas time, so that won't be too long.

We spent half the day in our pajamas talking politics and didn't get dressed until noon, when we had to walk the Überhund. It wasn't cold out and there was a brisk wind blowing the last of the leaves off the trees. The Überhund skipped and jumped around as if he was on an outing. He plum wore himself out. I made grilled cheese sandwiches when we got back, but was only able to eat half of one, much to my chagrin. I made them with young aged cheese and they were the best.

I got another dip in the afternoon, but this time at 2 PM, because of the time change. I told Joost about it and he helped me through it in his unobtrusive way. I didn't have to outperform myself, but could just be my downcast self and partake of the conversation that way. What I really wanted to do was go to sleep, but I felt I couldn't do that.

On another note, our marriage and divorce had to be registered in The Hague, because we had been married overseas and that was the last obstacle to make it all legal. I got notice in the mail yesterday that this has been done now, so all the legalities have been taken care of and I am now truly an unmarried woman.

I am going to put my pajamas on now and my bathrobe and curl up on the sofa and watch some dumb TV. That's what I am in the mood for. Maybe I'll eat something nice, if I can find it.

Ciao...

The hurrieder I go, the behinder I get.

I don't know exactly how many post there are waiting to be read in the google reader for me, but I know there are many and later today some time I will wrap my mind around them and try to get caught up. Of course, it's possible that I never will and that I will be forever running behind or that I will have to delete some unread, oh horror.

I just got up and am working on my first cup of coffee, Yes, I know it's so daring of me to type with so little caffeine in my system, but somehow I'm capable of it. I guess it must mean that I've had enough sleep and that I don't neat to artificially chase it away with large mugs of coffee.

I slept on the sofa, of course, as Joost is asleep in my bed. We stayed up talking late. Toby and Nouri became quite attached to him and especially Toby had to be peeled off his lap when it was time to go to bed. I have never seen a cat as happy and contend as Toby. Jesker was only a little bit jealous and asked to be petted every now and then when he really could not contain himself any longer. For some reason, Gandhi wanted nothing to do with the whole scenario and spent the whole evening sleeping on my pillows in the bedroom.

I always forget how nice it is to have Joost here and how easy it is to talk to him. I had a terrible dip at 3 o'clock in the afternoon that lasted until 8 PM and I was not very sociable, but I needed not to have worried about Joost, who is not in the least put out when I suddenly fall silent. I try very hard to act as if nothing is wrong, but it is difficult for me to fake it and I usually can't. I told him about it afterwards, while I may as well have told him about it during, it would have been okay.

I just noticed on the computer and on the radio controlled alarm clock, that it's an hour earlier than it says on my watch and on the clock on the wall. That means we've gone into daylight savings time over here. I didn't even know it was coming up already. That's nice, that means that I've got a little bit of extra time in the mornings. Somehow, that makes me happy. The daylight makes me happy.

Jesker has gone and done a huge piddle out back, so I can sit here in my pajamas a little while longer. It is nice when he is so accommodating like that. I'm not quite ready to get dressed yet and go out into the chilly day, although it is supposed to be 10 degrees Celsius outside now. That's 50 degrees Fahrenheit, that's not bad at all, is it? It's supposed to rain today, but that also means that it won't be so cold, so there is always a trade off.

Well, I have to get breakfast started and be a good hostess, so I will talk at you all later.

Ciao...

Willing.

I am sitting here being extremely sleepy, forcing myself to wake up, when I realized that I have been drinking decaf of all things. No wonder I can't seem to get the show on the road. I need my daily fix of caffeine. I'll very quickly try to drink two mugs of it to get it into my system as fast as possible.

I stayed up too late last night, after I fell asleep on the sofa watching the news. Now I still don't know what happened in the world. Oh no, I am a badly informed citizen. Tsk, tsk, we can't have that. I'll have to read the BBC news on line in a bit.

It used to be, before I blogged, that I read a lot of news on line and there were a lot of news and opinion websites I visited. Mostly leaning to the left, if not a little bit radical, but that is how I am put together. I liked Alternet and CounterPunch a lot. I read the Guardian for its good reporting and the New York Times for the American news. Common Dreams was a good website too. I read the Onion for a while for its nonsensical humor, but it got old after a bit. I visited the Al Jazeera network, but found it to be as normal as any other network, with the same sort of reporting in the same style. Maybe less biased in its point of view of the Arab world than the western one. There were some Dutch sites I visited, but they would be meaningless to you. The Groene Amsterdammer was my favorite one.

All of that has fallen by the wayside now that I am blogging. I only watch the news on TV anymore, but I refuse to watch the news on the commercial channels. That's not news, that's showmanship.

My friend Joost (pronounce Yoast) is coming to visit me this weekend and I had to get some different kinds of groceries, because I can't expect him to subsist on what I eat. I haven't seen him for almost a year, so it will be nice to visit. He can sleep in my bed and I will sleep on the sofa and you know that is no hardship to me at all. See how well that works out? I have been practicing all this time.

Alright, I am fully awake now and will do some housework before I see my SPN this morning. I do have to get this place in order a little bit. Man, that coffee sure changes your outlook on life.

Ciao...