Acceptance...

It is an overcast and gloomy day here today but that doesn't mean I have to be gloomy myself. Far from it, I am in an excellent mood because I finally know what it means to accept myself and my life and the contents of it. My psychiatrist had suggested I accept it some years ago and I tried to do it then, but I really didn't understand then what it meant and couldn't do it. Now, as if by some miracle, I do and it feels as if a heavy load has fallen off my shoulders. 

It really isn't an effort to accept yourself and your life and the contents of it, but you have to understand what it means. Until the meaning becomes clear to you, it is an impossible task. It means the total acceptance of yourself and all the decsions you've made and the results of them. It means continuing on from there with a contented heart knowing you have chosen well and not doing a lot of wishful thinking. It means embracing yourself unconditionally and having peace with that and not being dependend on the opinions of other people.

At this point in my life, who I am and what I like and what I stand for has become pretty clear to me. I can without a doubt predict how I am going to feel about things and how I am going to react to them. I'm pretty much set in my way and don't have to spend a lot of time thinking about how I feel about things. My mind is pretty much all made up. There is a lot of comfort in that. I don't have to second guess myself and can trust myself to make the right decision. It will be the right decision for me. 

I have my likes and dislikes and my opinions and my definite comfort zone. I feel comfortable with them and don't feel that I have to step across those boundaries to accommodate anyone else. I feel I am entitled to them. I don't feel that I should go out of my way very far to make other people happy or comfortable. There's only so much time and energy I'm willing to invest. Most of it goes directly to me. And the animals, of course. If my daughter lived close to me, I'd be willing to invest a certain amount in her, but that's purely a hypothetical situation and not applicable here. 

I've made my own way these past twenty years and whatever I have achieved, I have achieved on my own. Well, I did have professional help and I'm grateful for that. There weren't a lot of other people along the way. If I were getting an Oscar, I wouldn't be thanking a host of them. My reward is that I get to live with myself and have a clear conscience.

Ciao,
Irene

In the mood...

I'm always the most comfortable when I tell you that I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. It sets the stage, sort to say. I've taken a nap and now it's almost evening. Outside the sky looks threatening and it wouldn't surprise me if we got another terrible shower that we seem to get every evening. 

Inside it is a little chilly because I don't have the heater turned on yet. I don't know why I'm being so stubborn. I guess I'd rather sit here and freeze my buns off but the cup of hot coffee is warming me somewhat.

My mood is neither here nor there. It's unimportant and I'm not going to waste any words on it. The less said about it the better. 

This weekend the government collapsed and we will have new elections. A lot of people have been waiting for this to happen, including me. I was not too fond of the government and I hoped it would collapse. Still, I was pleasantly surprised when it did. 

It collapsed over the budgetary cut backs and how severe they were going to be and believe me, they were. Now it is hoped that all the other political parties come up with their better alternative budgets so we can make sensible decisions. 

Because of the summer holidays, the elections won't take place until September at the earliest. Everyone will get the time to prepare themselves properly. I already know which party I'm going to vote for, so I'm more than ready to.

There was also a train accident at the Central Station in Amsterdam. For some reason there were two trains on the same track that hit eack other head on. There were many wounded and a lot of them severe. For now it is unknown how these two trains ended up on the same track but there's going to be an investigation. 

So, despite the fact that I spent a lot of the weekend sleeping,  I did manage to stay well informed. I watched the news as events unfolded and took naps in between. I did miss most of the sports that were on but I'm going to watch the highlights tonight. A couple of football games were played today and I want to know their outcomes. 

Except for the news events, the weekend was quiet and went by quickly. I suppose I'm ready for the week to start. I'm not thrilled about it and frankly don't care much one way or the other. I suppose my mood could be better. I'm sure I'm affected by events more than I realize. 

Have a great evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Forget me nots number two...

I'm allowing myself to be officially depressed. There's no reason to fight it because I've been becoming it since the middle of the night when I sat up with a cup of coffee and tried to deny it. It's always better to acknowledge it and give into it than to try and act as if there's nothing wrong, which is impossible anyway. 

I usually feel relieved when I admit I am depressed. It's like suddenly falling into a deep hole and not knowing what exactly preceeded it. I never seem to know how I ended up there. There I find myself and at first I don't even realize what's wrong. I just feel extreme discomfort. It's good to give it a name once I've figured out what it is. It's even better to talk about it. 

I act like what I do here is talk but it does feel like that. I do imagine that you're all listening to me and are pondering it over. I don't know how much of that is actually true and I don't have to know. Just leave me with my illusions.

The bad part about being depressed is that it's very difficult to motivate yourself to do anything. Mostly you want to crawl into a little hole and disappear. At least be somewhere warm and safe, maybe some place like the womb. I'm trying to get out of doing most everything, although that's very difficult when you're the only person in your household. I can't expect the animals to take over. 

I'm constantly cold and in need of warmth. I want the sun to shine on me but I'll have no such luck with this kind of weather. Besides, it is at the end of the afternoon and gray and cloudy and the sun is low in the sky. It has just started to rain too. 

There is no joy in being depressed. There is only the relief of acknowledgement and the giving into it. You don't have to fight a battle. I certainly am not going to waste my time on one. It would be silly to because I would lose it. I'm going to very kindly take care of myself. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

A brief moment in time...

That's what I intend to describe here anyway, although it will probably turn in to a description of many long moments in time because I'm sitting here comfortably with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and am not about to go anywhere. I'm still sleepy enough to be nice and mellow but alert enough to make sense. At least I'm not in one of my hypo-manic moods and floating on a cloud. I'm completely down to earth where I belong. 

I've done some sleeping already because I went to bed early last night. I didn't have the patience to stay up late and watch television. I wanted to get comfortable under the duvet and drift off into sleep and dreamland. I don't remember if I dreamed or not. If I did, it wasn't very impressive because nothing stayed with me. They must have just been very ordinary things that weren't worth remembering. 

I hope that when I go back to bed, the rest of my night will be like that also. 

There's not much to talk about when you're down to earth where you belong. I'm frantically searching in my mind for subjects to discuss and all I can think of are the things I already talked about on my other blog. I don't want to fall into repetition so I won't be discussing them.  I suppose that I'm not as alert as I thought I was because normally I have no problem coming up with things to talk about. 

That warrants another cup of coffee and I'm drinking it now. Hopefully it will loosen me up a bit. It's a terrible thing when your mind lets you down. It's the one thing you have to be able to rely on. That's why you have to run a little interference every now and then and give it a little stimulance. A mind on its own sometimes can't do a lot but sit there and be very dull. And that is very boring. 

My therapist wants me to see a woman who does breathing and relaxation techniques. She teaches you how to do them. My therapist thought they might be good for me to know because I now use tranquilizers. I'm somewhat interested in this and already know the woman who teaches them from yoga classes that I took a long time ago and I know that she's a very agreeable person.  I was happy to hear that she made it through the budget cuts. 

Today I have to go to a center of activities to see if there's a creative class I may be interested in. Hopefully there's a group of women I will find something in common with. I have to meet the leader of the group today. I'm a bit nervous about this because it's a new venture, but it is very close to where I live. It's a ten minute walk away from the apartment so it couldn't be better. I just have to gather up my courage. Whatever I have of it. 

You wouldn't think I was scared of trying out new things but I am. I'm less brave than you may think I am. There's always a hurdle I have to get over. I can talk myself out of things very easily. I mustn't do that this time because it is an opportunity to get involved with something interesting and to be socially engaged. I must be courageous. 

I'm going to take my somewhat timid self to bed now and get some more sleep. If I'm able to after this second cup of coffee. I may be too wired. Maybe I'll have to pay Facebook a visit first. I'll see.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Comfort zones...

At this moment, but pretty much all throughout the day, I want to take comfort in the ordinary little things. The things that don't require a lot of effort to surround myself with or to perform as rituals. They are all meant to soothe my mind and give me a sense of security which is sometimes hard to come by. 

I should be thankful that there are always those times in the day and night that are sacred and that allow me an awful lot of peacefulness and serenity. They are long times out from more fraught periods during the day when I am more unsettled and on edge. 

I blame this on the fact that my sleep schedule is all screwed up and that I often haven't had enough sleep at night. It does tend to make me feel uneasy. The best thing to do when I feel that way is to take a nap. Usually I wake up in a much better frame of mind. 

Since I cut down on my sleep medication, I don't nearly need the amount of coffee that I used to drink and caffeine plays a much smaller role in my life now. When I wake up, I have one cup of coffee and I very often don't even finish drinking it. That's almost one less addiction in my life.

I have lots of tea in the kitchen cupboard and maybe it is time to start drinking it again. It is easy enough to make a small pot of it in the morning to see if it will suffice in getting the day started. I can try green tea with lemon or rooibos. I even have rosehip tea but I don't like the taste of it that much. I think I'll pass on that one. 

I've put clean sheets on the bed tonight and I think I'll go try them out now. I know they smell very good. I've also got clean pajamas on so I'm all set. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Testing the midnight waters...

I am very contentedly sitting here with a cup of coffee. I've just unfriended some 'friends' on facebook and I feel unburdened for having done so because it's always better to get rid of some than it is to add some. I had added a lot of 'friends' one night when I couldn't sleep and I was bored and I wanted some more excitement in my life. I decided to look for potentially interesting people, but after keeping track of them for several days, some of them turned out to be a little strange or only in the business of self promotion. 

They were not the kind of people I wanted to spend precious tme on and I unburdened myself of them. I will look for more interesting 'friends' with a little bit more discrimination. Some of them are turning out to be real interesting and I may hang on to them. There are some nuggets of wisdom being spouted here and there. I do pick things up. As long as I get to pick and choose, there is no problem. I'm still in charge of that. I am not a mindless follower. 

In the morning my daughter is coming back from her trip to Italy and I will have a few precious days left to spend with her. I have just gotten used to her not being here in my immediate presence.. I've adjusted to my life on my own again. I will have to make room in my heart for her again and make a big space to fit her into for the few days that remain. I have to emotionally prepare myself for that. I'm worried about the quality of the time that we will have and don't expect too much of it and then whatever is there will be okay. 

I am more than ever determined to be an emotionally self sufficient human being in the new year and it is one of my New Year's resolutions. I think one's happiness and completeness should never depend on other people because you will most likely be disappointed.

I've already been on this journey of emotional self sufficiency for some time. I've started to look at myself as my own best company. although I am aware that I need the interaction with other people sometimes. I don't need a huge amount of it, but a little more than I get now. I'm working on that. 

In the end though, it's yourself that you need to be able to live with and you shouldn't try to escape from that person. You have to be able to be a comfort to yourself. The only other consistents in my life are my animals. They are pretty predictable in their behavior. I know what strokes to expect from them. 

With my psychiatrist's approval, I've started to reduce my sleep medication. I'm now on half the dose I used to take. They never did help me sleep anyway. I was just hooked on them and they made me high in the middle of the night. I didn't enjoy that feeling and wanted to get off them. Next week I will go wihout them completely. It doesn't bother me to have to do with less and I feel more sober minded. It will be good to be off the barbiturates completely. I will have no more mind altering drugs. 

I will be off to bed now. I will have enough to do in the morning before I see my daughter again. I do want to have the time to sit and have a cup of coffee in peace and quiet before I have to get showered and dressed and walk the dog. There will be moments of reflection and preparation. But first I will have a good long sleep. 

Ciao,

Nora

Switching to a more normal gear...

is what I'm going to attempt to do anyway. I was already in bed, but couldn't sleep, so I got up again and had something to eat. I think I was just plain hungry and now I'm digesting my food. The thing is that I'd already taken my sleeping pill, so I'm slightly drowsy. I've made some coffee to wake me up and I'm drinking the first cup now. I should be right as rain in no time, but I always say that, don't I? 

If anything, I'm predictable. I'm also yawning something awful, but I enjoy being in this state. Well, I think I do...

Life's been treating me okay, but I have nothing exciting to write about and that's why I haven't written any posts lately. I don't have anything exciting to report now either, but I'll try to put some coherent thoughts down. I'll need another cup of coffee to do that effort justice. I need more caffeine to shake the drowsiness. 

I'm getting a little more clearheaded already. I think between the nicotine and the caffeine, my mind is being forced into wakefulness. My addictions force me into action. I'm grateful to the effect of both of them, but not to the addictions themselves. I wish every day to be without them. 

I wish to be on a deserted island for a year and to become medicine and addiction free. I imagine that very often and realize that at first I would have a very tough time. It would be a time of madness that I would have to get through, but afterwards I would be the true me without chemicals. Maybe I should check into a rehab clinic.

That's so much wishful thinking. 

I like being clearheaded much better the way I am now after my second cup of coffee. I'm not drowsy anymore and I've stopped yawning. My head's on straight and my thoughts are coherent. I could definitely pass for a normal person.

I let the dog out back and stood in the cold night air by the back door. It was very refreshing to say the least. The almost full moon was shining and it was a bright night. I could see everything and I'm chilled all the way through. It's nice to be back inside because it's comfortable in here. But it's a good thing that I'm wearing my bathrobe and socks because I need them. I do so very easily feel cold. 

It's officially Friday, so it is one of my favorite days. I have to get up early in the morning because the Exfactor will be here to do some groceries for me first thing. He wants to get an early start. I'll have to set the alarm clock when I go back to bed. I will try to drink some coffee and get dressed before he gets here. It's always a good idea to be wide awake when receiving a visitor. Even when it is someone as familiar as the Exfactor who won't mind if I'm in a stupor. I'll mind.

I hope you'll all have a lovely day when you get up. 

Ciao,

Nora

It's hardly surprising...

I made the coffee not so very strong, necessitating me to drink more of it to get the equal effect. I actually like the taste of it better this way, although I always claim to like a strong cup of coffee. I guess it really isn't so and I'll have to remember that the next time I make a pot of coffee. I do always have to learn my lesson the hard way. I hope I can always manage to put less ground coffee in the filter.

I will enjoy my cup of coffee better and it will not be such an onslaught to my stomach which is protesting less. I'm sure a cup of strong and bitter coffee is not what it wants. But I am like a donkey who kicks the same stone twice and it will be a learning process that I will stubbornly go through until I get it right. Remind me not to brag about the punch the coffee carries and what a kick it gives me. It will be because I'm on the wrong track. 

I also have to remember not to dawdle and put my bathrobe on right away instead of sitting here in my pajamas getting cold. It's like that doesn't register immediately and I wonder why I am so uncomfortable. Once I do put my bathrobe on, I'm immediately aware of the difference and I chastise myself for not having had the sense to do it right away. It makes me wonder how well I really function when I first get up in the middle of the night. 

I think I'm not as logical as I could be and have to wait for it to slowly catch up with me as the coffee starts working. I'm only a ghost of the potential me when I first get up, although I'm never in a bad mood. I'm just a bit slow witted and function below par. I really shouldn't make any big decisions in the first twenty minutes, although I'm happy to say that none are expected of me. 

I'm fine now and warmly enveloped in my bathrobe. I have socks on my feet and couldn't be more comfortable. My brain is functioning and I couldn't think straighter. I could do any sort of task now. It's a pleasure to be up knowing that I will go back to bed again shortly and finish sleeping. It's the simple things in life that make it worth living and sleeping well is one of them. I always do that best early in the morning.

Getting up the second time is a little bit harder. My body and mind do protest a bit more. It takes me a while longer to get my act together. I give myself an hour to sit in my armchair and become a semblance of a human being. I'm actually one before that time, but I like to start out slowly and to gather up my bravery to face the day. That is always a bit harder than facing the silence and darkness of the night. Looking presentable and walking the dog are big chores in the morning. They are not to be taken on lightly. 

The dog is snoring on the sofa, but he will follow me back to bed. The cat is already there waiting for us. 

Today will be lovely weather and that's something to look forward to. The sun will be shining all day.

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Chasing away the black dog...

Now that I'm sitting here so comfortably in the semi dark in the middle of the night, it is easy to forget how down I felt during the day. All seems well now, while it didn't feel that way at all earlier. I felt that the black dog was stalking me in the underbrush and I was constantly aware of his presence. 

At first I tried to ignore him, but then I decided to acknowledge his presence and it almost felt like a relief when I did. At least it was a familiar presence and I knew how to deal with it. He was not really my enemy, but just a well known aspect of myself that was as recognizable as the features of my face. 

I don't know if I'm now coming down with a depression. It may be a false alarm. Maybe I just had a bit of a tough day, but the last few days I've been off a bit anyway. I haven't been my usual steady self. I've felt more insecure and more stressed and that's when things happen. 

I haven't been my normal self since Friday when I didn't sleep well because I had to pick up my glasses downtown at the optician. That was a big deal to me. I was so stressed in the morning that I took two tranquilizers and I had vowed never to take those anymore. 

Subsequently, I got my hair cut and as a result I had a whole new look. I think this all was too much for me and it unsettled me and I never did get back into my normal state of mind. I didn't return to my normal comfortable feeling. I didn't feel at ease with myself.

I also think that those tranquilizers took some time to get out of my system. They worked when I needed them to, but the aftermath was less pleasant. I felt like I was kicking off. No doubt that was because I used them so much in the past. My body had a craving for them. 

I think I can talk myself out of having the black dog stay if I analyze the cause and effect. It's not my new look that bothers me, but the events around it and the feelings that I had achieving it. It cost me too much effort and upset my too complacent life. It is easily upset, after all. 

But now I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee and I can rationally think about this. My feelings don't come into play so much. I feel as normal and sane as I can get thanks to the hour of the night. I may feel differently in the morning, but I hope not. I hope I can hang on to this sense of normality.

Being 'normal' is my biggest wish and I think you all know what I mean by being 'normal.' It is living without extremes of feelings, but being somewhere in the comfortable middle with the occasional hiccup. I don't expect everything to go smoothly all the time, but I do make the effort for it to potentially go that way.

I think if I can stay on the side of rationality, I can solve a lot of problems. My emotions do get in the way sometimes and take a run with me and I become unreasonable. I don't know how to get over that. I suppose I don't acknowledge them on time and let them simmer below the surface too long. I have to work on that. 

I guess I strive for some sort of perfectionism and will never achieve it. 

Have a good night you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Don't want to feel like that...

Going on this drastically new diet has not been a good idea. It has not worked out well at all. It turns out that all the things I started eating did not agree with me and gave me a stomachache and very bad heartburn. I also could not drink coffee or tea, not even if it was green tea or rooibos. Everything that I had to eat or drink was a disaster. 

As a result, I was pretty miserable yesterday and the antacid tablets weren't working. I spent a lot of time in bed lying there as quietly as I could, barely moving. I was hungry, but couldn't eat. Finally, I called the Exfactor and asked him to bring me some milk, as I thought that was going to be the only thing that was going to save me. 

He was over soon with two packs of it and I very carefully started drinking it and over the course of the evening my stomach started to settle down. Good enough so that I could go to sleep for a while. I'm up again now having some more milk. I really want a cup of coffee, but am afraid to have one. I don't want to upset my stomach again.

I'm going off the new diet immediately and going back to the dairy based one. Meat and fruits and vegetables don't agree with me. That much is obvious. I've seldom been so uncomfortable. It was an adventure I don't want to have again any time soon.

I've dared make a cup of coffee after all and put lots of milk in it. So far, so good. And it tastes delicious too and it's just what I needed. I hadn't had a cup since early yesterday morning. As you know by now, I'm not myself without my cups of coffee. It pleases me very much that I can drink this one and feel so good as a result of it. 

Today is Saturday and the day to do with as I please. I was afraid it was going to be a day spent suffering from heartburn, but now it looks like it is maybe not going to be. Thank goodness for small favors. For big favors, I should say. I will appreciate the day all the more for feeling good and not take it for granted. 

The first thing I'm hopefully going to do is sleep late because I'm in need of that after yesterday. It wasn't exactly a restful day. It was sort of an anxious day. Some cultural programs and some sports on TV will be nice too. No doubt I will not have to do without them. I envision a day of leisure and that's what I'll probably get. 

I hope you're all having a good night, or a good day, whichever time zone you're in.

Ciao,

Nora

No, not writing that...

In order not to write down any nonsense, I'll have to severely censor myself. I sometimes have no business writing a post and when I do, I have to edit it better and leave out half of what I put down because it is sheer poppycock. Having established that, I will now very carefully try to write a halfway decent post that's not full of malarkey.

It's late at night and I'm sitting here in my pajamas with my cup of coffee and my cigarette. I really need to check if my bathrobe is dry after I had washed it because I'm a little bit chilled. I will do that shortly after I have finished this cup of coffee. It's the little comforts that make life worth living and a warm bathrobe is one of them. It's good not to take that for granted. 

I am now having a long moment of sheer contentment and happiness for no apparent reason at all, except that all is well with the world. All is well with my world. All the ingredients are in place to make it so and I do feel that I have to mention it. I feel a total absence of stress and anxiety and can only count myself lucky for what I feel instead and I appreciate the contentment even more than the happiness. 

In the meantime, I've put on my bathrobe and it smells of washing powder and is warm and comfortable. It envelops me completely and reaches down to my ankles. What more could I ask for? 

The dog is gently snoring on the sofa and it sounds very cozy. He was trimmed yesterday and is only a shadow of his former self. He does look awfully cute and his eyes look twice as big in his new short haired appearance. He hasn't shivered yet and doesn't seem bothered by the loss of all his fur. Hopefully, it will not get too cold for a while and he will get the chance to grow back some of it before winter comes. I will not have him trimmed again now until early springtime. 

My appointment with my new therapist went well, although I didn't have much to talk about. I think I need to be a little more forthcoming. I will be as I get more comfortable with her. She's a very kind woman and I have no reason not to trust her, but it will take me a while to get used to her. I will slowly let her in on my life. Little by little. 

The Exfactor and I did the groceries yesterday and that was a huge success. I had made a list of things I wanted to get and it was quite different than it had been in the past because I'm changing my diet so drastically. That's why I had to go to the store myself, to see what was available for me to eat. I basically had to stock up on some things and get fresh fruit. 

I got some very good plums, one to eat every day because that's all I can handle with my gastric band. At least, if I do want to eat other food too. I had a small dish of Mexican rice for lunch and a beef patty cooked in butter for dinner. That was delicious, but I still feel full now, hours later. 

Today will be a fairly quiet day as Thursdays usually are. It's raining now, but the weather should improve during the day. I only have a few chores to do, but if the weather allows it, I will take the dog for a long walk.

I'm going to bed now to lie under the warm duvet. I hope you'll all have a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Scribbling down the words...

I'm having a nice enough time sitting here in the middle of the night with my usual cup of coffee and my cigarette. Isn't it just the perfect scenario for me? I couldn't ask for a better setting. It's as if all the items are set in place and I fit in with them perfectly. 

I fill my niche completely. All I have to do is get up and make coffee and sit down in my desk chair behind the computer. The rest happens almost by itself. I'm a single middle aged woman with a set routine that will probably never change. And I like it. 

All that will happen is that I'll slowly grow older, but I'll ignore that for now. Maybe if I don't pay close enough attention, I won't notice it, although I must say that I've gotten used to looking into the magnifying mirror that I've just gotten into my possession and it tells me a different story. 

In it I see many wrinkles when I apply the soothing Zwitsal baby lotion to my face. But then I tell myself that no one else ever sees me quite like that and turn the mirror over to the normal view. That's much less painful. I'll have to remember to not get up close and too personal with anyone. 

The one comfort that I do have is that all the wrinkles in my face are laugh lines and are caused by me smiling or laughing a lot. I can't think of a better reason for them to be there. That's so much better than having a droopy face and the furrows that go with that. 

I've remembered to put my bathrobe into the washing machine and it is now waiting for a full load that I can wash. I'm sitting here in my warm, gray, oversized cardigan which is mostly wool and keeps me warm too. 

For a change, I'm wearing a matching set of pajamas because I reorganized the stack of matched and mismatched pairs of them.  I didn't even know what I owned anymore and was surprised to find the matching pair. I've also organized my tank tops and T-shirts.

Sometimes you can look at a semi-mess for a long time and grow so used to it that you forget to do anything about it until one day it dawns on you that you can and that it's relatively simple to. All you have to do is wrap you mind around it. 

I now have three neat stack of clothes on my shelf system and it's fairly simple to keep them that way, providing my domestic help doesn't get it in her head to reorganize them. She does have an independent mind sometimes and does things that are beyond my logic. 

Yesterday was a good enough day, although it was cold and dreary and it rained for part of it. It wasn't exactly cheerful weather. I had to postpone walking the dog in the evening and he was kind of put out about that because he thought we weren't going at all. 

Luckily, when he despaired, it stopped raining and we took a romp around the fields. Today it's going to be a little bit warmer, but it will only be temporary and tomorrow it will be wet and cold again. The dampness is really the worst. The cold is not bad and it would be great if there were sunshine.

I'm going to sit in my armchair for a while now and read. It's not nearly dawn yet and I have lots of time left. The day is my oyster. Hopefully there will be enough excitement in it. I'm more than ready for some. I'll have to make it as interesting as I can. I'll make sure I'm up to the challenge. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Tricky ways...

The dog has tricky ways to wake me up. First he licks my face and neck and if that doesn't work (because I fake sleep), he gently starts to bark at me. He knows I can't ignore him then. He's very satisfied with himself when I get up. As if he is congratulating himself on a job well done. He goes straight to sleep on the sofa when he knows I'm sufficiently awake and there's not another peep out of him. 

Isn't he a smart dog? And he does all of that for a bit of watchful company. I think he's got my number and he's speed dialing me in the middle of the night. I'll have to cut down on some of his privileges or I'll have to change my number. 

It's damp and cold and rainy outside. I finally had to close the windows and even turn on the heater. That's how uncomfortable I got. I hated to give in to this urge, but there was no other choice. I was just plain old cold. I think it's the dampness that really got to me. It chilled me to the bone and I couldn't get warm enough.  Now I'm luxuriating in the warmth of the apartment. It is very pleasant after having been so uncomfortable. 

It's been raining off and on since early yesterday morning. Sometimes it came down in buckets and it was impossible to go walk the dog. He sat in front of the window along with the cat and together they watched the rain come down. They were united in their fascination with it. They do have to have some distraction from bothering each other. 

I'm going to be reading 'The Joy Luck Club' by Amy Tan. I've read it before, but have fond memories of it and that's the kind of book I need. I have some other books by her and hopefully this one will get me in the mood to read those. I'm looking forward to it anyway. It's been a long enough time since I read 'The Joy Luck Club' that I've forgotten a lot about it and it should capture my imagination all over again. I'm going to sit in my armchair in a little while and start on it. 

Since today is Saturday, I can do with the day as I please. I can sleep when I want and read when I want and watch TV when I want. As long as I walk the dog regularly there's no problem. I'm allowing myself that kind of a day off. Doubtlessly, I'll do a chore or two. I never fail to. But it won't be anything big. It doesn't have to be anyway because the domestic help was here yesterday and she took care of most things.

Right, I'm off to start my book. It will be nice to sit in my armchair and read with a cup of tea. It will warm my insides. I'll go back to bed later.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

Both feet on the ground...

One good thing about having quit almost all the tranquilizers is that I no longer sit here in the middle of the night higher than a kite and getting even more so because I'm drinking coffee. Nowadays, I'm pretty down to earth and mostly myself and not under the influence. 

At least, hardly any at all. I will stop taking the last tranquilizer tonight (Tuesday) when I go to bed. I will notice that I did for the first couple of days and will be a little bit off course, but I will recuperate soon enough and being off course doesn't have to be all unpleasant (I may be a little exuberant). 

It's a relief not to be high because I thought that was intrinsic to me and it's nice to find out that it was because of the tranquilizers. It certainly took me long enough to put two and two together. I always thought I was in a hypo-manic state in the middle of the night. 

It's a pleasure to find out that I'm not and that I'm as normal as anybody else. Especially since there's not such a huge difference compared to how I am when I wake up in the morning. I'm not like two different people.

I woke up yesterday morning to the alarm clock and it agreed with me better than sleeping until I was done sleeping. I think I get too discombobulated when I do that and get too much sleep. 

Waking up to the alarm clock was better, as it made me alert immediately and I felt I had to get into action right away and plan my moves. I have set the alarm clock for this morning too, even though I can sleep late. I just don't want to.

I have opened all the windows in the apartment at the top to air the place out properly and because there's a strong wind blowing due to the tail end of the hurricane that came off the Atlantic Ocean.

There's a strong enough draft blowing through here now and it smells a lot better in the living room. All that stale smoky air is gone. I'm going to keep the windows open this season as long as I can and hope for regular winds. 

It was sunny when I walked the dog yesterday, but because the wind was blowing, it felt quite blustery and I could imagine myself at the seaside. I like this kind of weather. It agrees with me quite well and this is what I like about autumn. 

The wind gives you a sense of freedom. It blows all your dark thoughts away and cleanses you from any worries you may have. I also like the way the sunlight is coming in at a lower angle. It seems less harsh and more comforting. 

I think I'm an autumn type of person and I always forget that about myself. It surprises me every year. Every year I make the same discovery. I should know this by now. I should know that I like the season of my birthday. 

It's time to go back to bed for a while with a glass of ice cold milk.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Throwing a spanner in the works...

I was going to spoil this post by telling you how depressed I am, but I've decided not to do that and for the duration of this night only to look at the bright side of life. I'm sure I can find some amazingly cheerful things to write about if I try hard enough. 

I'm not so depressed right now that I only see things in the colors gray and black. I'm sure there are some brighter colors lurking in the shadows and I will set my sight on them. There's some yellow and bright red and light green. Little dots of it and I will see what I can do with them. 

I can tell you that I'm drinking an excellent cup of coffee and no doubt that has influence on the state of my mind, good coffee making for a better mood. I've also got a pack of newly made cigarettes, so I'm all set. 

For a while anyway I'm comfortable, except that I have a dog breathing down my neck who wants impossible things from me. I'll just have to ignore him and get on with it.

I do have an awful pain in my bad shoulder and I woke up with that. I've tried to move it around to try and get whatever kink is in it out, but it hasn't helped yet. I may be coming down with a case of bursitis again. I will have to rub that sport's creme on it and hope it works. 

It's impossible not to be influenced by the quiet and peacefulness of the night. I can almost imagine that I don't live in town but in the solitude of the countryside. The suburbs are awfully silent at night. The only noises I hear are those in my own apartment and those are very minute. The clicking of the dog's tags being one of them and the loudest.

I'm reminded of the time I lived in a village of 600 souls in the middle of the mountains on a dead end road. It was a wonderful place to be. There was much quiet and solitude and company if you so desired. I have fond memories of the place. My kids were little there and had a fun childhood. 

I better not go down memory lane because I'm a product of my turbulent life. I have many sad memories as well and they come floating to the top along with the good ones. It's better to stay in the here and now and to not remember too much. That's a closed book and it has nothing to do with my life now. I'm a totally different person living a totally different life and nothing at all like I had imagined. 

Today my effort is going to be to get the mail out of the mailbox and to deal with it and to deal with the mail that's already lying on my desk. If I get that done I'll be satisfied. No doubt I'll also talk with my psychiatrist after the email I sent him about becoming depressed. I've also got to change my bed so I can look forward to clean sheets tonight after I've watched the thriller that's going to be on TV.

I think I'll take some pain medication for my shoulder as it's slowly becoming more sore. Going back to bed and resting it will be good for it. I just won't sleep on my side. It will be a bit tricky to walk the dog today. I'll have to use my other hand to hold the leash. The dog does pull.

I hope you'll all have a good day. It's going to be drizzly here, but not too cold. 

Ciao,

Nora

Continuing upwardly mobile...

In my case I mean to say that I continue to feel better and that the increase in medication is working. I don't feel bereft any longer, although I'm still not quite back to normal. That will happen with time, I'm sure. I don't have things completely under control and my household is not up to par, but I can live with that for the moment. I'm not a desperate housewife yet and this is not her diary. 

All will be well by tomorrow. The domestic help will be here and together we will straighten out the place and things will be right as rain for the weekend. I'm looking forward to that very much as usual. Bless the days off on the weekend. I will never take them for granted. 

I'm having a much needed cup of coffee and I made it strong the way I really like it. I have enough of a supply of ground coffee to allow myself to do that again. I took a nap this afternoon and I was very much sound asleep. I wasn't just dozing like I sometimes do. That necessitated the caffeine to wake me up properly. 

I walked the dog before the first cup of coffee had really done its work and made the walk short so I could have a second cup quickly. I made sure the dog did all that he had to do and sniffed in enough places and peed against enough blades of grass and bushes. After he had set his boundaries, we returned home in a hurry. 

I'm really awake now and could have a conversation if there were someone to talk to. The deliveryman from the pharmacy was here, but he was in a hurry to deliver the rest of his medicines. I couldn't pull him into the front door. He would have protested loudly and the neighbors would have noticed.

I try talking to the dog, but all he does is wag his tail and demand to be petted. It doesn't matter what the subject is. It's all blah blah to him. 

I must do some chores before 'Inspector Frost' comes on. I've been neglecting some things and must take care of them before I sit down and get comfortable. I also want to get into my pajamas and bathrobe so I will be ready for bed when the time comes. Oh yes, I still have to eat too. 

Have a great evening.

Ciao,

Nora

So early in the morning...

If you want to read about the computer modem and about dreams and early morning happiness, you can do that here, and I highly recommend it to get you into the proper mood. It does require some of your time, but I'm sure you have some extra of that lying around on a lazy Tuesday morning in November while  it is cold outside. 

I'm cold myself inside in the early morning hours and have just turned the  thermostat up to a more comfortable temperature. It will be toasty warm here in a little while, It doesn't take much to heat up the apartment and I will be able to turn off the heater in a while again and it will stay warm enough in here. That's the comfort of living in a small place that's not too drafty. 

I've been up long enough now to have a sore bum from sitting in my desk chair, but then I get one easily for having broken my tail bone once. It does get uncomfortable if I sit in one position for a while. I have to shift my rear end a lot. I should sit on many soft downy pillows, but I don't have those and the ones from my bed don't work. They are not soft enough and only make the problem worse. They are okay for a head, but not for a bum. 

The coffee tastes especially nice this morning, but then I made a strong pot of it. I measured generously and gave the coffee a real kick, just the way I like it. I do so dislike a weak cup of coffee, like you get in roadside diners along American highways. Truckers are supposed to be happy with that. I bet if they had their say it would be a little bit stronger to make the long haul more bearable. 

I've never had a worse cup of coffee than in those diners, even though they pour it generously. The exception being that French roadside restaurant that had atrocious coffee that didn't deserve the name and did the French reputation shame. They are supposed to have the best cup of coffee on the continent, although I tend to disagree and think that we do. Some chauvinism is involved.

I've had my medicines and am waiting for them to work and assume I will be nice and mellow then, although I am not unhappy now. I've decided to take two tranquilizers during the day, those make me just relaxed enough. One was pushing my luck just a little bit and I was on edge unnecessarily. They are a very low dose and I'm not worried about them. I barely notice them working, but they do make a difference. 

I have to go see my SPN this afternoon and I will find out when the reassessment of my treatment will be. It should be this week and I will be present during it, so I hope it doesn't conflict with any of my other appointments. There should be a bit more careful planning as it can't be assumed that I'm always available, but that doesn't seem to have dawned on anybody. I will make that a point today. Some things are left very unclear.

There's some question as to whether I'm going to bed again now to sleep some more or drink more coffee to stay fully awake. There's a great temptation to stay up and get dressed and take Tyke for a walk in the cold November air. It's foggy outside again, but not especially very cold and there's no wind, of course. I'm slightly loopy, though, and may not be able to make a long walk. 

It's possible that the cold air will wake me right up and I will be full of vigor again once I'm out. I do wish I had a country lane to saunter down and Tyke to let off the leash. It would be such a much more pleasant walk. We'll have to do with the sidewalks of the suburbs and the semi pleasant trees and shrubbery of that landscape. And the layers upon layers of fallen leaves that have not been swept yet and that's going to be an impossible task.

For now Tyke is sound sleep on the sofa and there is not a peep out of him, so I have some time. He has been out back early this morning to do his biggest business, so there's no rush. I do appreciate when he does that. It takes the pressure off to get going immediately. I can be a little more leisurely.

I'm going to get another cup of coffee and bid you goodbye. I will get dressed and see how far I get. Maybe I will get stuck halfway though and will have to join Tyke on the sofa for a quick nap. 

Have a fantastic Tuesday.

Ciao,
Nora

 

A short nap...

I took a short nap after dinner and now feel completely refreshed and ready to enjoy the rest of the evening. I can't go to bed too late, though, because tomorrow morning I have to go downtown with my sister and pick out my birthday present. I already know what I want, because I saw it advertised on TV, and I hope I find it in the right size and color. I'll tell you about it when I have it.

Tyke is sitting on the dining table looking out the window. He came and asked for approval before he did so and now he's being very good. The domestic help brought him a stubby, squeaky, rubber ball today and he has had the most fun playing with it. It's made him happy all afternoon and he takes it with him wherever he goes. I've only had to retrieve it from beneath the sofa 3 times. That's very good. It means he's keeping good track of it. I would have had to retrieve the tennis ball many more times. We are very grateful to the domestic help.

I slept late this morning and didn't get dressed until noontime. At least I knew which clothes I was going to wear. I was so very comfortable in my bed and then, of course, I had to leisurely drink my coffee, which will be a thing of the past once I quit smoking. I will not leisurely drink coffee anymore, but just have a cup in a hurry. I will have to change some of my habits and leisurely sitting around will be one of them. I'm sure I will be more active and I will have to find all sorts of things to do to keep myself busy. Maybe I'll paint the living room and the hallway.

I didn't take one moment to sit down in my armchair to read today. It is a real ritual that I have to perform, because usually I don't sit there. I have to get my book and my reading glasses and my glass of milk. Then I have to get my cigarettes and lighter and ashtray and the pillow to lean against. I really have to settle in and I didn't give myself the chance to do that today. I don't know how I did pass the time of day, but of course I was asleep for a large part of it.

At least the reading ritual will be simplified a lot once I've quit smoking. I won't have to bother with half of it once I do. I do want to put the emphasis on that for myself. My life is going to be a lot simpler when I've quit smoking because now I have to always calculate the chance to have a cigarette into everything I do and there are so many times when having a cigarette is not such an easy thing to do. The world is not smoker's friendly anymore and I'm certainly not going to allow anyone to smoke inside my apartment once I've quit smoking. There is no place for smokers. They pollute other peoples' air and it makes their world very small if they don't want to and they can't consciously. I'm glad I don't live in the 70's anymore when everybody smoked and it was normal to smoke inside wherever you were and it would have been frowned upon to ask someone to go outside and do it. I also want to keep discussing my plan to quit so that it will be a natural thing when I actually do.

I got the new Ikea catalog in the mail today and I'm going to sit down when I have a chance and look through it thoroughly. I can't wait to see what's in it. I know there is a nice smallish sized bookcase in it, because I've already looked that up on the website and it's not too expensive. I may get that once my bookcase is full, which it almost is. I'm expecting 9 books from Bookmooch in the mail and those will take up a bit of space. The bookcase I saw is quite nice and I know just where to place it. I do have room for it. I have some of my older books in my bedroom on the bookshelf there, but I was looking at them today and some of them are nice enough to have in the living room. It's just for lack of space that they are in the bedroom. I want to have all my fiction in one place and all the reference books in another, so I'm going to make some changes as soon as I have the chance.

It's supposed to start raining tonight and rain tomorrow too. I actually don't hope so if I'm going out in the morning. The Exfactor is also supposed to come over and a friend of mine is coming over in the afternoon. The Exfactor is going to do the groceries and I need him to get some pastries to have with the coffee. Rain is not welcome tomorrow and hopefully there will only be occasional showers. I usually like rain, so it's very contradictory of me to not want any now, but I usually don't have to go out in it. See how selfish it is of me to change my mind like that. People for the most part are very egocentric. There's always a core of self interest in everything we choose or wish for. Most of us aren't nearly as altruistic as we'd like to believe we are.

It's time for me to go to bed, even though I'm not that tired yet and I could do ten other things instead. The problem is that I need to get up on time in the morning and I do want to get enough sleep. I sure hope that I don't make the mistake of getting up in the middle of the night. I have to stay in bed and sleep and will have to figure out a way to. I will have to show some self discipline, if I have any, that is. Sure I do. I'm quitting smoking, aren't I? You need backbone for that.

Sleep tight, goodnight,

Ciao,
Nora

Sunday later in the day...

After I wrote my post this morning, and spent some time downloading more wallpaper, I took the dog for a walk in the snow. It was cold outside and there was a wind blowing from the south and it was not warm as you might expect it to be, all warm things coming from the south. It was a cold wind and whipped around me with snow flurries and I shivered and made the dog hurry as quickly as possible. When I got home, I immediately changed clothes, because what I was wearing wasn't warm enough and I dug into my closet to find warmer clothing. Now I'm wearing things I haven't worn in quite some time, but I'm much more comfortable. I couldn't fit into last year's skinny jeans, but they wear always a questionable size, so I'm not surprised. Instead, I'm wearing two pairs of leggings and the top pair is Turkish and are more like pants with a skirt attached to them over which I'm wearing a long sleeved tunic, under which I'm wearing a long sleeved T-shirt.

I wore my woolly hat pulled down to my eyebrows the second time we went out, because it hasn't stopped snowing all day, but the dog got snowed on and little clumps of snow collected on his long ears. My boots served their function well and kept my feet dry and warm, they are good boots. We have to go out again in a little while and will have fun walking around in the thick layer of snow that may be gone again tomorrow, because it's going to be 2C and it's going to rain. I would rather have snow than rain, but the rain is only supposed to be an interlude and then we will have snow again. We may have a white Christmas.

I didn't waste my day, but got 10 books ready to ship and it was a lot of work, because I have to find the right envelope to fit the book in and get it in good enough shape to get it to close again and take the address label. I use used envelopes that people have sent me books in and so far it has worked well, but it is extra work to make them look presentable. Then I have to find the right book to go with the right address, but I have a whole system for that and it goes like clockwork. I make all the address labels first and write on the back of each which book goes with it, so when I get ready to fix that package, I get the book off the shelf and not sooner. It prevents confusion.

I was going to keep being this industrious and pay my bills, only to find out that my check had not been deposited in my bank account yet. So that kind of put a cramp in my style. I hope it's there on Monday. Instead of paying bills, I will have to hang up the laundry. That will be industrious too.


I just walked the dog again and it is less cold outside. There is hardly any wind and is has stopped snowing. There are footsteps in the snow everywhere and sled tracks. People have swept the sidewalks in front of their houses leaving little treacherous snowy patches that are slippery, so you'd rather just walk in the snow. All good intentions go astray.

Oh no, after I came home from walking the dog the first time this morning, I didn't immediately change my clothes. I went back to bed first. I slept for 3 more hours! How could I have forgotten that? It was wonderful and ever so cozy in bed. I had my book and I had eaten breakfast and I was warm and snug under the duvet and I think this is a very good habit to keep, because I am cold when I get home and I do always want some more sleep and there is no better place to be than in bed with my book. As a matter of fact, I am yawning now and I will have to try an draw out bedtime as long as possible so I don't go to bed too early, but isn't sleeping wonderful? I think it is one of my hobbies. I'm a connoisseur of sleep.

The problem with the woolly hat is that it ruins your hairdo. It makes your hair totally flat and stick to your skull so you look like a monkey. You can't be seen in polite company like that and you should just keep your hat on. No wonder that society women never take their hats off when they are at a function. They would look ridiculous. I'm already constantly wearing my scarf, I should just constantly wear my woolly hat too. I'm sure I would be thought of as eccentric and then I would start to wear purple. Possibly I would start wearing long underwear too and always be warm, and fingerless gloves.

I'm very happy in my Turkish pants. They keep me warm and the skirt keeps me modest under my tunic, because the tunic is just a bit too short to wear as a mini dress. If I were a teenager, I'm sure I could get away with it, but I'm an old woman and can't. I do always have to keep my age in mind when I dress, because I can't do the things I'd always like to do and that is dress without a care in the world and just put on whatever I feel like. There are limits to what I can get away with, although my legs aren't bad looking from a certain point down. I'm always very happy to be wearing leggings, because they cover up many details that I don't care to show, although I don't have anything as unsightly as varicose veins, knock on wood!

I have more tunics in my closet that I haven't worn in a while and I have another pair of Turkish pants in another color, so I'm all set for the cold weather. Not to speak of cute little sweaters that can go over them if need be. Layers, that's what it takes. I'm all set for the cold, although I still despise riding my bike in it and would so very much prefer to own a car and be warm and comfortable in one. Let's face it, though, There is no car in my future. Unless it's one of those little things that's only allowed to go 45km an hour and for which you need a scooter license. That's such a typical old people car and I would feel very funny driving one, but I wouldn't hesitate if I could get one. If they gave me one, that is.

I'm used now to taking only two tablets of anti psychotics. I don't feel funny anymore. I take one during the day and the other one at night and that seems to work just fine. I don't think I can wait with the one during the day and take it later, but it isn't necessary. It's not making me drowsy once I've had enough sleep. I always worry a bit about decreasing my medication, because I don't know what effects it will have on me, but I really only had one bad day and one not so bad day. Today I was fine and didn't notice anything adverse. I thought I was going to have a tougher time longer.

Well, it's time to go hang up the laundry and put the trash outside. Brrr... I'll have to go out there again. I'll concentrate on the laundry first, that's much more pleasant. Oh, and I have to put away all the clothes that I wore last week that didn't go into the laundry basket. It's always something. I don't like putting away my clothes because the closet is too full.

Have a nice evening and try to stay warm by the fire, if you have one.

Ciao,
Nora