In the mood...

I'm always the most comfortable when I tell you that I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. It sets the stage, sort to say. I've taken a nap and now it's almost evening. Outside the sky looks threatening and it wouldn't surprise me if we got another terrible shower that we seem to get every evening. 

Inside it is a little chilly because I don't have the heater turned on yet. I don't know why I'm being so stubborn. I guess I'd rather sit here and freeze my buns off but the cup of hot coffee is warming me somewhat.

My mood is neither here nor there. It's unimportant and I'm not going to waste any words on it. The less said about it the better. 

This weekend the government collapsed and we will have new elections. A lot of people have been waiting for this to happen, including me. I was not too fond of the government and I hoped it would collapse. Still, I was pleasantly surprised when it did. 

It collapsed over the budgetary cut backs and how severe they were going to be and believe me, they were. Now it is hoped that all the other political parties come up with their better alternative budgets so we can make sensible decisions. 

Because of the summer holidays, the elections won't take place until September at the earliest. Everyone will get the time to prepare themselves properly. I already know which party I'm going to vote for, so I'm more than ready to.

There was also a train accident at the Central Station in Amsterdam. For some reason there were two trains on the same track that hit eack other head on. There were many wounded and a lot of them severe. For now it is unknown how these two trains ended up on the same track but there's going to be an investigation. 

So, despite the fact that I spent a lot of the weekend sleeping,  I did manage to stay well informed. I watched the news as events unfolded and took naps in between. I did miss most of the sports that were on but I'm going to watch the highlights tonight. A couple of football games were played today and I want to know their outcomes. 

Except for the news events, the weekend was quiet and went by quickly. I suppose I'm ready for the week to start. I'm not thrilled about it and frankly don't care much one way or the other. I suppose my mood could be better. I'm sure I'm affected by events more than I realize. 

Have a great evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Moodiness and coffee...

For some reason I woke up at a normal time this morning. I mean that I woke up at a time when other people do also. I didn't stay in bed until almost noon. This was so unusual, that I hardly knew what to do with myself, but I was wide awake. I hardly needed any coffee to get myself together either, I was quite capable of functioning on my own.

Needless to say, the dog and I went out for an early walk and that was quite pleasant because the weather was beautiful while there was still dew on the grass. We took a longer walk and took twice as long to take it because the dog had to sniff literally everywhere. It must have been because all the scents were fresh and new. So we dawdled a lot and took our time going home.

Once home again, I did little jobs to keep myself busy and out of trouble. I needed to keep myself occupied. As a consequence, I did every bit of laundry that I could find in the apartment and then some. If there was the remotest chance that something was dirty, it went in the washing machine until it was full and I could run it. 

Luckily, at one point the Exfactor showed up and I thought that would provide some diversion. However, all he wanted to do was tell me which films he showed and how many he changed in a night and how many he put together and took apart. No matter which subject I broached, it came back down to that. I'm having some serious doubts about him. 

Anyway, I sent him on his way with a shopping list and that went fine. He never forgets anything, but when he came back I was seriously yawning. I don't know if that was because of the conversation we'd had or because of the lack of sleep. 

After I unloaded the groceries and had one more cup of coffee with the Exfactor, I went to bed to take a nap and slept the whole afternoon. I woke up somewhat befuddled and in need of coffee, which I made immediately. I thought I was going to be in a very bad mood, but now that I've had the coffee, I'm in much better shape.

I haven't watched the news yet and I have no idea of what's going on in the world today. I feel badly informed and am going to have to watch the 8 o'clock news. I do know that Italy and Spain are paying too much interest on their debts. I did catch that on the radio. At this rate, we're going to be lending money to Italy too. It's a doomsday scenario. 

First I've got to take the dog for a walk. Dark clouds are moving in and it wouldn't surprise me if we got a rain shower. 

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Imaginary skirmishes...

I'm really going to try and write a post for this blog now because it's been a while since I've done that. I never seem to get around to it anymore, although it used to be my habit after I took a nap in the afternoon. My naps have become longer, or I have been taking them later. Either way, I don't get around to writing posts and end up in front of the TV watching the news instead. 

Today I'm really late, so it doesn't matter what I do now. My schedule is completely turned upside down, but I don't mind because it's Friday. I ate lunch late so I'm still full and I don't need to eat anything for a long while because it was a big lunch by my standards. I may never eat again. Maybe that's what accounts for my big nap. It was my very full stomach. 

Now that I fit in size 12 hip hugging, skinny jeans, I really want to lose the rest of my weight. I'm very motivated and I don't want any unnecessary food to pass my lips. I have love handles that I want to get rid off and a couple of tops that I really want to wear, but that are too tight. I would look ridiculous in them, so they're laying on a stack waiting for me to fit into them. I tell myself that with enough persistence, I will. 

I can be as stubborn as the next person and once I have an idea in my head, it's hard to change my mind about it. I'm visualizing a skinny person and that's what I'll be.

I'm having a wonderful cup of coffee and am thinking about a glass of milk. I think I will stick to coffee because I need to be bright eyed and bushy tailed. I still have to walk the dog and I have the feeling that he's not going to be happy with a short walk. 

At least it doesn't look like it's going to rain like it did earlier when the sky was so threatening and dark gray. It's not at all warm outside, but that's okay with me. I can just put on my favorite jacket. My black leather one...the one that's getting too big on me.

*

The dog became impatient and I had to take him for a walk. It turned out that some rainclouds had moved in, unbeknown to me, and we didn't go for a long walk after all. I did let him sniff extensively all over the place as long as we weren't too far from home. He took his time doing that and smelled every blade of grass and every bush. He's now very happily chowing down on his kibbles which he had ignored before.

I'm having another cup of coffee and am not worrying about the rest of the evening. Time is going by quickly and half of the evening has already sped by. I will watch some TV later on, but tonight there's no thriller on despite the network's promise that there would be every evening. You can't believe anyone nowadays. Every night does not apparently mean, every night. 

I've had to turn the lights on already in the living room, it was so gloomy. Today may be the first of July, but the weather certainly isn't acting like it. A little bit of sunshine would be okay.

I hope you all have a good evening. I'm making the best of mine. 

Ciao,

Nora

What I like...

I guess I like taking a nap in the afternoon almost better than anything else. I love the way it breaks up the day and the rest I get. I always feel good when I wake up and really enjoy the first hour or so after I get up. Normally it's about time to take my evening dose of medicines too, so the timing is perfect. 

I have a cup of coffee first and then take my medicines. In the shortest amount of time I feel right as rain. I also know that nothing complicated lies ahead of me. All I have to do is walk the dog and eat dinner and get through the rest of the evening. That's easily done by watching the news and a few other non consequential programs. Not that the news is that kind of program.

I suppose there are a few simple pleasures in life like that, such as drinking a glass of ice cold milk when I'm very thirsty. Or eating a bowl of chicken and pasta soup when I'm hungry. I know those things will satisfy me instantly. They push my 'happy button' and make me feel good. Taking a nap does the same thing. 

*

I just took the dog for a walk and it was actually very nice out there. It was warmer than I expected and I wore too many clothes. I will have to put on something completely different because what I have on now will not do at all. It's time to wear skimpy clothes again. I've got just what I need all ready to put on from the last time it was warm. I had not put away those things yet. What foresight!

The rain that we had has not helped the grass in the fields yet. There are big brown spots all over. On top of that, it has recently been cut, so that doesn't help it much. A lot of the daisies are gone as a result, much to my dismay. The buttercups faired better. I like it when they leave the grass longer and the wildflowers get a chance to grow. It looks so much cheerier. 

I guess walking the dog is a pleasure in life too and it pushes my 'happy button,' although I never think of it as so. I usually think of it ahead of time as a bother and something I must do. Afterwards I always feel good about having done it, but I never put one and one together and I really ought to. I forget that I enjoy it. 

He sure dislikes certain dogs that we meet on our walks. They are always the more dangerous looking kind that he dislikes. The ones I steer clear of also. He's very macho and growls at them as if he would attack them given a chance. He especially dislikes any kind of dog that's well known as a fighting dog. A dog like that he takes an instant dislike to. A cocker spaniel like him wouldn't stand a chance. 

It's time to eat dinner. A glass of milk is lovely, but it alone doesn't fill my stomach. I must have something heftier than that. 

I hope you're all having a good day and good weather. 

Ciao,

Nora

Working the odds...

I'm drinking coffee to increase the chances that my mood will improve, because coffee generally seems to have a positive influence on how I feel mentally. I'm telling myself that after this second cup, I already feel better but, of course, it could all be a question of mind over matter and a huge illusion. On the other hand, maybe caffeine really does do something for me and it is beneficial to my state of mind. 

At any rate, I feel somewhat capable of writing a post, although I have no idea where it's going yet. I'm in a rambling sort of mood and I don't have a specific subject that I want to discuss, except that I want to say that feeling depressed is not my idea of spending quality time with myself. I have been in much better moods and have enjoyed my own company more. I think you bother yourself the most when you're not doing well emotionally. 

But anyway, like I said, the coffee seems to have put me in a better mood and I think I can handle putting my thoughts down on paper (ha, there's that Freudian slip again).

We're having summer weather in April and lots of pollen is blowing through the sunny sky. I don't seem to be in the least bothered by it, so apparently nothing is blooming that I'm allergic too or I'm not allergic at all. I'll just assume that I'm not. It will simplify my life tremendously if I'm not and I would probably have eczema anyway. All those allergy tests I had in the States may have been false positive. I'm also supposed to be allergic to dogs and cats.

The temperatures have been very pleasant and warm and I now have all the windows open on a crack. That means the apartment can air out properly and that some of the warmer air gets inside too, slowly but surely. It is still cooler inside than it is outside. I'd rather keep it that way, but I know that by this summer it won't be. I'll have to try and keep the sun from shining through the living room windows as much as possible. That means keeping the shades drawn for the most part.

It was almost too warm to walk the dog at noon, especially when we were between buildings and out of the breeze. You can tell that I'm not used to this kind of warm weather anymore, nor is the dog. He will have to be trimmed soon because now his fur is too thick and hot. We both laid down in the cool bedroom when we came back and took a nap. It was very pleasant. I'm lucky that the sun only shines on the back of the apartment very briefly in the morning. 

Oh, I see that it's almost time to watch the 6 o'clock news. I will keep this short. I do want to know what has happened in the country and the world. 

I hope you all had a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

It's not too bad outside...

I just walked Tyke in the not too cold evening air. It just started to get dark outside and I noticed that the days are lasting longer all the time. The wind had stopped blowing and it was pleasant out there. I hardly needed my scarf, but wore it anyway just in case. There were birds chirping their evening song and, although I can't identify them, it sounded pretty anyway. It made you feel like spring was on its way, especially since it was relatively warm and you could almost imagine everything shrouded in a green haze. 

Tyke is sound asleep by my feet now. He always thinks he needs a little nap after his walk. He will come around again in the shortest amount of time because he'll want to play or bother Gandhi. She's taking advantage of the peace and quiet by taking a nap herself on the back of the armchair behind me. That's where the yellow fleece blanket lies folded and she's lying on top of it. Luckily, she's stopped shedding all that hair, so I'm not in danger of getting cat hair all over me when I lie down under it on the sofa for a nap. 

The domestic help has been here and cleaned up the place. It's a load off my mind. I had been keeping up with the chores as well as possible, but everything needed a good cleaning. Because of the holidays, it had not been done in eleven days, so it was about time that somebody showed up. 

I've decided not to watch any television tonight. I watched the news about the earthquake and the tsunami in Japan all day long and listened to it on the radio too. I think I got an overdose of it now. I will wait until tomorrow to hear the rest. No, I won't. I'll hear it tonight when I go to bed and listen to the news bulletins on the radio. I'm sure they'll pay lots of attention to it. It isn't every day that an 8.9 earthquake hits with a tsunami as a result. 

Tyke has woken up and wants all sorts of attention. He doesn't really know what he wants, he just wants attention. He's already had a belly rub as part of the bonding ritual. I'll play ball with him next. 

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Chasing away the Sunday blues...

I don't really have the Sunday blues, or if I do, I only have them in the slightest form and I hardly notice them. I'm mostly frustrated with what's on television, although it was interesting this morning when there were programs on about literature and politics. This afternoon there are sports on and that's usually okay, but I'm not interested in the kinds of sports that are being shown. The highlights of the rugby game between France and England aren't being shown until 5:30 pm. I hardly have enough patience to sit and wait for them. 

I took my usual nap on the sofa and for a change I'm not so discombobulated. That's quite a relief because I don't like the long drawn out process of rejoining the living when I am. I did make myself a cup of coffee immediately, but I hardly needed it as I was pretty clear headed right away. That goes to show you that you can't compare one day and one experience with the other and that each one is different. You can't always anticipate everything ahead of time because it may turn out quite differently than you thought. 

Nevertheless, I am having another cup of coffee because it's putting me in an excellent mood and I like it. I'd rather feel this way than hopelessly confused and in search of a good one.

I never did turn off the television, but just turned the sound down low. That way I am keeping track of what's on without it being intrusive. It's a little bit like having company without having to concern myself with it. The voices of the newscasters and the sports commentators are very familiar and they sound like old friends. It's pleasant to hear them in the background. I know I am thoroughly integrated now because I know everybody who's anybody on television. 

There are little buds on some of the hedges in the neighborhood. Some of the trees are starting to show buds too. Some of the bushes in the gardens show colored buds and I think they are about to flower. There are more daisies in the fields and I'm waiting to see other kinds of flowers, though I don't know which ones would come up next in the wild. We need more sunshine, but all we have is this drizzly weather and gray skies. We do have mild temperatures and I think spring will be here early this year. 

I have to watch the news now and see what is happening in Libya. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

On the wrong side of the bed...

I started out feeling very grumpy when I got up and decided that wouldn't do at all. I've been trying very hard to get into a better mood ever since and it's slowly working. I do despise grumpy moods that are there for no reason at all. You just wake up with them because you got up at the wrong side of the bed. They're nobody's fault and they serve no purpose whatsoever other than to make you feel bad.

You could proceed to attach a cause to them, but I'm not that dedicated and would rather get over them instead of becoming a crusader. I'm not a good Samaritan of lost causes. I'd hate to get all heated up and bothered over some issue that's unjust and unfair somewhere in the world when I know it's not within my ability to do anything about it. Those days are far behind me. I only care on the sidelines now.

I know a cup of coffee helps when I'm grumpy and I've had two of them now. I am starting to feel better. The caffeine has nearly straightened me out. Maybe it's because I'm reducing my sleep medication that I found myself in this mood. It may be possible. If it is, I'm not going to worry about it, because it's a minor obstacle and it's something I can easily get over. It's a question of mind over matter and I am capable of that.

I'm going to very pleasantly sit here until the morning arrives and not worry about a thing. That's the nice thing about the hours of the middle of the night. There's nothing you can do about anything at all, even if you wished it. All I have to do is sit behind my computer in the light of my desk lamp and pass the hours in the best possible way. For a while, I am oblivious of the world around me.

That will change in the morning when I turn on the television and watch the news and am bombarded with all the issues that happen around the world. The Netherlands are not an insulated country that is unaware of what happens outside itself. We hear of news around the world and sometimes it overwhelms you. You wonder how you can absorb so much.

My knee has been bothering me very much and seems to be getting worse instead of better. There's not much I can do without having pain, except for standing up and leaning on my left leg. I made an appointment to see the doctor on Friday. That's the soonest I could get in.

I think I'll go back to bed for a few hours more sleep. It's still very early. Both the animals are sound asleep. It's not nearly time to start the day.

I hope you'll all have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Just be unruly...

It's early in the morning and I'm having my third cup of coffee, soon to be followed by a tall glass of cold milk. I can only drink so much coffee before I'm completely satiated with it and don't want another drop of it. It does mean that I'm wide awake for now and that all the marbles in my head are in their proper place. There aren't any rolling around unguardedly creating bumps and dents. Everything is pretty solid up there and when I tilt my head, I hear no alarming noises, nor do I suffer from vertigo.

Having established that, I think I can safely write a blog post and try to make some sense of it without making it too complicated so early in the morning when the world hasn't even woken up yet. It is Sunday and things will stay quiet for a long time until the church bells ring for the first mass. I will be sound asleep again by that time, as it is usual for me to go back to bed and get the rest of my beauty sleep in, not that it's helping a heck of a lot. Whatever beauty I had has faded with age and is irretrievable. I don't mourn for it and age gracefully. There aren't any other options. 

I very obediently had a quiet night at home as is befitting of a middle aged woman, and I spent it watching harmless programs on television.  They're the sort of programs made for people who don't have anything better to do on a Saturday night, but who need to be entertained anyway, without being taxed too much. It's called amusement and what would I do without it? I pretend to be more interested than I really am, but it's really a good way to pass the time and sometimes I am mildly amused. Sometimes I even care. I'm glad I get to decide for myself what nonsense I get to watch and that there's no one here to critique my choice of programs, because it doesn't all have to be very challenging. I can imagine that if I lived with someone else, I wouldn't watch half the drivel that I do, and honestly, sometimes drivel is good.

I did watch the news twice. One time in the condensed form and one time in the more expanded form. I do try to be well informed. Between it and what I hear on the radio, I think I am. I like watching the news, as I'm very interested to know what's going on around the world and politically in my own country. Not that I feel that I have that much power over it, but I don't like to be caught unawares. I'd like to think that just knowing about it makes me a better person and in the end, because everything is connected, better able to vote when it comes down to it, because we are so internationally oriented. I do like to hear the backgrounds and that is why I like the political discussions on the radio. 

I'm drinking cold milk now and very good it tastes too after all that coffee. I think coffee does make you thirsty as it has the tendency to dehydrate you. It is great if you're retaining water.

I think I'm ready to get back into my warm bed. I haven't had the heater on the whole time I've been up. It has been warm enough in here still. For some reason it didn't cool off that much during the night, even though it's freezing outside. It's going to be another cold, sunny day. I will walk Tyke in my warm winter coat with my gloves on. That's for later, first I'm going to sleep some more. 

Have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

Shamelessly sleepy...

It's early in the evening and I'm sitting here with the blinds closed and the lights on. I'm all cozy and solitary except for the animals who are my loyal companions. They have no choice. They are bound to me and have no other place to go. Nobody else will take them in. We are stuck with each other. That's just the way it is. Having concluded that, I will just have to make the best of it and get along with them as well as I can. Somebody has to. 

All kidding aside, I did trim the hair around Tyke's eyes so he could see a little better. I thought he might get cross eyed because of it. I also thought he was going to make a big deal out of it, but he allowed me to do it without a problem. He was very co-operative. He was very much interested in the scissors and was curious about what I was going to do with them. I took him completely by surprise. I think he appreciated the fact that I cut off the hair that was there in front of his eyes. He looked all bright and cheerful once I had done it. 

That was my good deed for the day. I don't know if I have been doing good deeds on a regular basis at all. I haven't been keeping track and I haven't consciously been aware of it. I'm always a kind person, but there used to be a time in my life when I was aware of doing good deeds every day. Just small kind ones to make someone's life a little easier. I'm not too sure if I do that anymore. I must pay attention to this and reinstate the habit if it's gone. 

I think just remembering to be kind and friendly and polite to other people is a good thing, because there was a time when that was difficult for me. It's so nice to approach people with a friendly face and to be open to contact. What a relief it is to be able to do that when it wasn't possible for a long while.

Tyke's asleep on the dining table now. He likes to be asleep on high uncomfortable places. He likes to oversee things. I don't think he's going to like his big soft pillow all that much if and when it arrives. I'm going to put it in the bedroom, because I think he will use it there most often. In the living room he's either close to where I am or on the dining table. Even now he's within an arm's length of me. He's becoming a regular fixture in the neighborhood. The dog that sits in front of the windows and watches the world go by on top of the dining table. 

I'm very happy that it's evening and that the day is coming to an end. I'm looking forward to going to bed, but when am I ever not? I'm either going to bed or just getting up from it. I'm either waking up or very sleepy. Sleep always plays a big role in my life. I will put my pajamas and bathrobe on in a while and watch the news and then go to bed. It will be lovely. 

I hope you will all have a lovely evening too. 

Ciao,

Nora

Instinctively...

 

I always feel that whatever I write here has to be very inspirational.  That I can't just write about run of the mill matters here and ordinary things that occur in my day to day life. God only knows where I got such an idea. It's not as if this blog is loftier than my other blogs, so I shouldn't treat it that way or try to write  that way, otherwise I may get intimidated and develop writer's block and that won't do at all. I need to take this blog down a notch or two and make  it a reflection of how I really am and how I really think and not some blown up literary attempt at pretty prose. Having said that, I will now get down to business and write something plain and ordinary.

I've already slept tonight. I went to bed early, after I watched the eight o'clock news and found out about the latest developments in Tunisia, but I woke up after several hours and was wide awake again. The time it takes my 'falling asleep' pill to stop working. Now I have to wait for real sleep to hit me again. That will be some time towards the morning. In the meantime, I've had a cup of coffee and I'm now drinking a glass of milk, which is thirst quenching, but is making me feel cold. I'd better drink a glass of warm milk or a cup of hot chocolate, but the latter always makes me feel very full, as if I've eaten a meal. My gastric band can't handle anything substantial. 

I have to find some ways to amuse myself tonight and there are several possibilities. Looking for good templates is one of them. That's always a sport that I don't tire of. I can spend a long time looking for the right one. I'm also going to be looking for interesting bits of writing for the website Six Sentences, which I recently have gotten a renewed interest for. It makes me pay attention to the quality of things I write and have written. I can also go in search of images to accompany these blog posts. I do use them up quickly, but there are always more to find. I'll be looking for especially colorful ones as opposed to the black and white ones that I usually post. A body does want something different every once in a while. 

It's in the middle of the night now and I feel very good. It's so nice to sit here in the semi dark all be myself and to know that the world around me is asleep. It's not raining outside and merely cloudy. It's not all that cold either. I was standing by the back door earlier and it was very doable while I waited for Tyke to finish getting done with his business. He is a slowpoke and does take his time, unless I pretend to walk away and leave him there, but then he may start to bark and I can't have that late at night. It would upset the night rest of my neighbors.I do have one especially delicate neighbor who will let me know that he's not pleased.

I must be off to do other things now. I have dawdled long enough. It's taken me forever to write this little bitty post. I have made cigarettes in the meantime and checked my facebook account. Sometimes it's hard to stick to the job at hand. There are also emails to answer. I've seen those come in, but have resisted reading them. I do have some self control. I've got to wait for it to become morning so that I can go back to bed. It will be with much joy that I do. I will be more than ready to.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

 

Culture...

I got up early this morning and was full of good intentions. I didn't want to act like it was another weekend day and waste it sitting around in my bathrobe, not accomplishing anything. The first thing I did early this morning was walk Tyke when it was still dark outside and cold. It was even snowing a little bit. Luckily, Tyke cooperated and got his business over and done with quickly, so we could return to the warm apartment soon. I did let him sniff around on the field for a while, but it was too cold to linger long. 

Once we got back inside the apartment, I realized that I was still a bit sleepy and I laid down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket and closed my eyes for a while. I had planned to watch the cultural programs that were going to be on that morning, so I had turned on the television, but all I saw were 5 minutes of news and then I fell asleep and didn't wake up until noontime, so I slept for a long time. 

I immediately made myself a cup of coffee, and then another one, so that I would be alert and well and then I took Tyke for another walk. It was a bit less cold outside and the sun was shining. Still, there was a lot of ice underneath the freshly fallen snow and walking was a bit treacherous, even in my new boots. I certainly mustn't get a false sense of security, because I can still slip and fall. 

After I took Tyke home, I walked to the tobacco shop very carefully, although in some places people had cleaned their sidewalks really well. They had sprinkled them with salt and gotten rid of all the ice. I slipped a few times, but managed to find my footing anyway, so they were just close calls. 

I bought a chocolate bar at the tobacco shop along with my usual supplies and made my way home, aware now of the treacherous places and avoiding them as much as possible. Tyke and Gandhi came to greet me both when I walked in the front door and you would have thought that I'd been gone for hours. It does feel good to be welcomed so, although Tyke was also very curious about what was in the bag that I was carrying. I didn't give him a chance to look, afraid that he'd find the chocolate bar.

I watched television all afternoon. Some of it was interesting and some of it was inane. At least I was dressed and I wasn't sitting around in my bathrobe. That was one redeeming feature. At least it wasn't a day like last Saturday that I let completely go to waste. I do feel that I did something useful. 

I'm waiting for it to start snowing again, because it is supposed to. I'll go walk Tyke in the snow. The country has been in chaos because of the snow and the ice. Planes, trains and automobiles have been delayed or canceled or stuck in traffic jams. People are told not to go anywhere unless they absolutely have to. There's a terrible mess at Schiphol Airport and many passengers are stranded. 

I must go and watch the latest news. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Encore un fois...

I'm following my usual 'get up in the middle of the night' routine and have just made myself some coffee to get the last few remnants of sleep out of my system. Not that there are that many there. I'm pretty perky as usual and could do my whole administration and not make any mistakes. I want to do something far more pleasant that that, however, and write down my thoughts and musings on no particular subject at all. That means that I'll probably touch on many bases.

I read a lot yesterday and finished another book. I have now read A Virtuous Woman and Ellen Foster, both novels by Kaye Gibbons. She is a good writer with a unique voice and she writes with an intensity that makes you want to finish her novels in one fell swoop. That's not hard to do since they aren't big and you can finish one in just a few hours. They are very concise and to the point, but tell a whole big story with enough detail so you don't feel shortchanged one bit. You like her characters, though they are not at all perfect people, and you want things to end well for them, though there are not necessarily happy endings.

I am now reading Don't let's Go To The Dogs Tonight by Alexandra Fuller. It's a very well written autobiography about her childhood in Rhodesia. The war for independence seen from a white farmer child's point of view. It's extremely interesting. I love the title and it alone intrigues, but I like books about white settlers in Africa and what their experiences were there. Another book I really like about that subject is The Grass Is Singing by Doris Lessing. It's a sad story, but written with a lot of compassion.

I think I will be reading When We Were Orphans next, by Kazuo Ishiguro. He's the same author who also wrote The Remains Of The Day. He was born in Japan, but has lived in England since he was 5 years old. The story plays in Shanghai and England in the 1930's, before WWII, and is of mystery and nostalgia and memories that go back to before that time. I loved The Remains Of The Day, so I'm looking forward to this book in particular.

I find that reading is one way to forget about smoking. I become so involved with whatever novel I'm reading that I forget all about cigarettes. I find it easier to get involved with a book and the storyline, maybe because I'm not distracted by my smoking. Maybe smoking is bad for your attention span and you lose your train of thought. Anything is possible.

Not smoking has certainly simplified my life. I can simply sit down wherever I want without having to arrange to have my cigarettes and ashtray and lighter there. I can just sit down without all the paraphernalia and get up again and move to another spot without a problem. I'm unencumbered. There's a freedom in that. All I need is my peppermints and something to drink, though that has gotten less too and I don't drink nearly the large amount of fluids that I used to. I'm not as thirsty and I think that is because I don't smoke. I guess it dehydrated me.

I have not started eating more to compensate for the lack of cigarettes. I think that's because I'm not going through nicotine withdrawal. I eat the same portions of food that I normally do. I'm definitely not planning on gaining any weight. That's not part of the program, especially not since I lost 9 kilos this year, or maybe more, I don't remember. If anything, I'm planning on continuing to lose weight, although I hope that the peppermints I eat don't hinder that.

The Exfactor was here yesterday to do the groceries. I had him pick me up some chunky liverwurst, because, despite my misgivings about the meat industry, I did have some worries about getting enough protein in my diet. I thought the liverwurst would be easy to eat for me, because I did so well with the paté at my sister's party. Well, it turns out that I don't like the chunks in chunky liverwurst. They remind me too much of meat and where the meat came from. I guess I like my meat products to be in unrecognizable form and not in anyway to remind me of the animal, especially if it's a cold meat product. My imagination works overtime. The Exfactor is now going to go to the Lidl close to his house and buy a few patés and see if I like those better. I'm sure I will and I look forward to him bringing those over on Thursday.

Ostensibly, he's coming over to look at my sofa, but I think he just wants an excuse to come over, because he likes coming here. My sofa is going to be delivered this morning between 8:45 and 11:00, so there will be no sleeping late for me if I desire to go back to bed. I think I will stay up and read and watch the nightly repeat of the news. I never did get to watch the news last night and feel hopelessly uninformed.

Tyke seems to be cured of what was ailing him, so those antibiotics worked quickly. I'm sure it was that shot that set him right. He gets a pill once a day wrapped up in a slice of luncheon meat and he likes that so much that I'm sure he'd like it for the rest of his life, three times a day. Gandhi gets a slice to, but she's a finicky eater and doesn't finish all of hers. That leaves the rest for Tyke and he's no picky eater. Gandhi takes little bites of her slice of meat and takes forever to finish half of it. Tyke gulps his down in one fell swoop. he doesn't even take time to chew properly. That's why it is so easy to hide the pill in it. I guess that's a blessing then. You can't do that with a cat.

I'm planning on finishing that autobiography tonight. I will sit in my armchair and do nothing but read. Hopefully I will have it finished by the morning. I will make that my goal for this night. It will not be to sleep, but to read. I can always sleep. There are enough quiet moments to go lie down and from this morning on there will even be a sofa again.

I have to go see my psychiatrist this afternoon and I'm sure he will be pleased that I've quit smoking and am still sane. It is a miracle isn't it? I never thought I would be this calm. I thought I was going to be much more of a frantic person. I suppose I am very determined. I'm aiming for a 100% success rate on all fronts.

I have to get rid of that nasty little cough. If I still have it next week, I'm going to the doctor to ask him for an antibiotic, because maybe it's a bit of chronic bronchitis, which wouldn't surprise me after all that smoking. I never paid attention to it before and just accepted it as a smoker's cough, but that's ridiculous, of course. You should never accept things like that. Not even subconsciously.

It's raining outside and 16C, so it's not real cold. It's supposed to clear up later today, but not get much warmer. There's to be partial sun and clouds. That doesn't sound too bad. Sunrise will be at 7:15 am. That's late. It's staying darker longer all the time.

I hope you will all have a nice morning.

Ciao,

Nora

One more for the road.

I've just written a post, but I thought I would start writing another one and see where it would take me. In reality I'm just a bit bored and don't want to do any of the things that I could be doing, like the ironing. Besides, who wants to do the ironing with a sore thumb? I really could if I had to, but I don't know if I'm quite in the mood for it this time of the day. The afternoon is just about over and the news will be on in an hour. Of course, that's a perfect time to do the ironing, so I'm just making excuses. I'll tell you what. I'll do the ironing tomorrow when I don't have anything better to do. When I've run out of excuses.

With Tyke's help I managed to eat a small apple. Tyke had three bites and I had the rest, not counting the fact that I left a large core that I could have cut down some more. I didn't know dogs liked apples. I've never seen a dog eat one. Tyke looked for more when I had thrown the core in the trash. He looked mighty disappointed when he saw it was all gone. He does try to drink my coffee and my lemonade, so maybe he has strange tastes for a dog. The apple tasted good and my little stomach could just handle it. One bite more would have been too much, so it's a good thing that Tyke liked it too. I'm going to be living on apples for a while now.

I took Tyke for another walk, because he was begging for it. He was sitting in the arm chair and breathing down my neck again. I guess he's figured out that it's the best way to get my attention. He grumbles in my ear very gently and won't stop. That's his way of telling me that we really need to go now and that I need to get up off that chair. It's funny how he figures these things out on his own and the fact that he needs to "talk" to me to get me going. He's a pretty smart dog. On our walk we saw other dogs, but none of them came close enough for a proper greeting, so Tyke was very disappointed and sat on his rear end watching them disappear down the street. I always feel sorry for him when that happens. I want to call those dogs back to us and have them at least greet Tyke. Just to make him a little happy. I know, I'm an overprotective "mom."

I wear my sunglasses when I go outside and it's a bright day. I do it so I won't squint and get wrinkles by my eyes. So far I hardly have any and I want to keep it that way. I forget I have them on when I go back inside and wonder why I can't see a thing when I try to open my front door in the stairwell entry with my key. It slowly dawns on me that I'm wearing my sunglasses and that's why. I want to buy myself a really good pair, but I need to find a lost wallet with a lot of money in it first and borrow some. If there's no identification in it, I'm keeping it. I figure that's drugs money. Anyway, then I can get a decent pair of sunglasses instead of this pair from the lost and found at the film house. I want to look like a movie star too.

I'm a bit sleepy. Last night I went to bed at 8 pm and I woke up at nearly 4 am. I decided I wasn't quite awake enough yet and went back to bed at 6:30 am and slept until 8 am when the alarm clock awakened me. I'll go to bed early tonight too. It's so wonderful to sleep, especially now that I'm wearing some really comfortable pajamas and I like my present duvet cover. Tyke likes it too, because he sleeps on the bed with me every night. There's just enough room for the both of us. Tyke rolls himself into a ball and lies by my feet. It's a good way to wake up in the morning, to have your trusty four footer lying there.

When I don't feel well, I take naps during the day, but when my mood is good, I don't. I do get tired, though, and as soon as it starts to be evening, I look forward to going to bed. I think it also helps that I like my bedroom, although it needs work done on it. It needs new wallpaper and new curtains. Staying up all day and just participating in life, though, does tire me and I wonder how I would do with a busier schedule. I'm not afraid of one and would gladly participate in it if I knew I could handle it.

There seems to be a threshold that I can't cross right now, so I have to increase my activities within the possibilities that I have. Make longer walks with Tyke, do more with my personal helper, go out more on my own on small errands. These are conscious choices that I have to make and I really need to stop and think about them and put them into action. They're not huge changes, but big enough to shake me out of my complacency and make me more involved in life. I will check my bank account balance once again and tomorrow I will go buy a new bathroom scale. That will take me to a different shopping center where I haven't been in a long time. It will be good for me. It's a little thing, but it's a big deal for me.

I'm going to put on my pajamas and hang out in my bathrobe for a while. There's nothing but football or football related programs on my favorite channel. It does get tiresome after a while. As if there's no life besides football. Pretty soon the Tour de France starts. That's more interesting to me, because I like the scenery and the commentary. The scenery especially and I imagine being there. I've been in France, so some parts of it look familiar. I'd love to go back to Paris, but in September when there are less tourists there and go to all the museums and visit them properly. One day for each museum and then lots of strolling and coffees and cafes.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

Yes, we have no bananas...

It's snowing again, but it's the kind of snow that's almost rain, or frozen mist. It's very pretty, though, and when I walked in it with the dog it made my coat all white. I saw people trying to clear paths in front of their houses, but some aren't too bright and leave big heaps of snow on the sidewalk, forcing you to walk in the street, which is very slippery. They don't get a medal for snow clearing. They get penalties. I just haven't decided what they are yet.

I was supposed to go to the post office today, but wild horses couldn't drag me there, and I have decided to go there on Wednesday when I also have to go see my SPN. Having decided that, my rate of anxiety dropped considerably and I could breathe normally again. It is such a relief to know that I won't have to go out there today, but just to walk the dog. Knowing that I have to go on Wednesday is causing me enough anxiety, but I can push that aside for now. There's no need to make myself crazy about that today.

My neighbor across the street is doing a real good job clearing a path. He means business. He gets right down to the pavement and throws all the snow far away from the path he's cleared. That will make it easier to walk there with the dog. Another place less to break my neck.

I slept in very late this morning, and after I had been up for a while, I had the audacity to go back to bed and sleep until one pm. I had a cup of coffee and took the dog for a walk and he was very grateful. He had only been out back to piddle. I do have the most patient dog in the world and he just waits for me to get my act together whenever. I was going to say, while he sits there with his legs crossed, but it isn't as bad as all that. He just goes to sleep until I'm ready, but during the final minutes he's very alert and he watches me like a hawk.

The path that my neighbor cleared has been covered with snow already and my neighbor has given up and gone back inside. I didn't think he would give up that easily. I thought he was more stubborn than that.

The trash people did come by today and so did the green bin people, so some things are happening just like they are supposed to. The recyclable paper people didn't come by on Saturday. They must have been discouraged by all the new snow that had fallen.

It's snowing very hard now and everything is getting covered up by a new layer. All the footprints are getting wiped out. I like that, because it is easier to walk on the snow than on the icy layer that's underneath it. Some people sweep away the snow but leave the icy layer underneath and you take your life in your own hands when you walk there. Some people have no sense. They don't deserve a medal for snow clearing either and they get a red card.

I'm waiting for the day when I'll get over my inertia and over my agoraphobia. When suddenly those things will no longer be a problem for me. It has happened in the past that I woke up in the morning and that they had disappeared as snow for the sun and I'm waiting for that to happen again. It's like a switch gets flipped inside my head and suddenly I'm on the other side of the spectrum. I long for that day to come, when I'll have courage again and passion. I'm living a very low key life right now and am just going through the motions of being alive and doing only the most basic things. The most active I am is on the computer, because I can focus my mind on one singular activity and cut myself off from the world around me, except for the dog, of course, who comes to be petted regularly. He forces me to pay attention to him.

Other than that, it's not much. I barely remember to water the plants. Only when I see the dire need they are in do I think of it and then I forget about it again some time later. They will probably die, unless they are very forgiving. You see, I have a terrible attitude. The nodule on my throat has gotten bigger and I suppose I have to go to the doctor for that. I don't know if I should worry about that. I have to do two loads of laundry and they are just sitting there waiting for me to do them.

Well, I'll try not to be so negative and look at things from a more optimistic point of view. I am sitting here with a delicious glass of juice and a very good tasting cigarette. These are the little pleasures of life. Another pleasure is that it's almost time for dinner and that the news will be on in a while and I can see what kind of chaos the weather caused in the rest of the country, not that that is a pleasure, of course, but it is a form of entertainment. Nobody I know is out on the road making a long journey and is stuck in traffic. You have to count your blessings.

Alright. I'm going to turn on the television and get ready for the news. My dog is being restless. I don't know what he wants. We have been out and now he's trying to dig a hole in the linoleum. I think his old age is getting to him.

Have a good rest of the day!

Ciao,
Nora

Just not happening...

I had planned on going grocery shopping this afternoon, but the weather worsened in the course of the day and when I got home from creative therapy it was miserably cold and windy and wet. I didn't want to be out on my bike anymore and parked it in the hallway. I did go out to walk the dog and cursed the wind that was blowing and all I could think about was being warm and cozy inside.

During the coffee break at creative therapy some of us in the smoker's room had discussed smoking and cancer and just then I coughed up a big green phlegm (sorry, this is unappetizing) and I happened to mention that I had a nodule on the lymph gland in my throat for more than two months now and that it was getting bigger. So, then I got the advice that I better go see my doctor and they were real serious about it, so I grabbed my mobile phone and made an appointment right away for Monday afternoon at 4 pm. Of course, then the feeling of dread didn't leave my head and I imagined all sorts of things being wrong with me and that feeling has stayed with me all day. I haven't done a Google search yet, because I don't know what to search for exactly, but I imagine the worst.

Anyway, I'm slightly preoccupied with this now and I keep touching that nodule and it is a little sore. I guess I keep touching it in the hope that it will be gone. Oh, I just realized there's a little one growing on the other side too in exactly the same spot. I hadn't noticed that before. There must be many reasons why your lymph glands get nodules on them. Right? As a result, I was a little bit distracted and didn't do the jobs that I had planned to do, but sat at the dining table drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes and doing a lot of thinking. This is possibly a result of Maggie May's dilemma who is seriously ill and whose situation has come to worry me quite a bit and has made me think about life and death issues. Thinking about those things will take care of any depression you may have. It will scare it right out of you.

So anyway, I didn't get any of my jobs done, although the night isn't over yet and there are some hours left before I'll go to bed. I may have time to do the dishes, if I'm so inclined, but I always feel funny about doing housework in the evening, as if I'm not supposed to be doing that. My mother never did anything after we did the dishes after dinner, except make coffee, so I guess I take after her. Besides, the kitchen isn't very bright at night and I would miss the dirty spots on the glasses. I need a better light over the sink. I'm now trying to figure out how to do that. I think there is a way.

I made a terrible drawing at creative therapy today and I didn't even care. I thought, "Oh what the heck, it's one of my last ones, it doesn't matter." I'm coloring it in with ink and that may actually improve it. I have two days left to produce something decent. Maybe I'll have a stroke of genius on Monday all of the sudden and make something wonderful. And maybe Rome was built in one day. I just realized that I would have liked to have made one more collage and I think that if I work fast, I may be able to do it, if I can find the right images. I'll have to look through some magazines I have here and see what I can come up with. I steal magazines wherever I am (not in stores, in waiting rooms), and I have some very good ones here. I almost feel like an evil witch coming up with my little ideas, hee hee!

Oh, by the way, I'm still wearing my new boots and have been all day and they are very comfortable and keep my feet warm and dry. You know how you have some footwear that you have to take off the minute you get home? Well, these I don't. I can wear them non stop. I'm going to toss out two pairs of boots this weekend that are both worn out past repair and I'm never going to buy cheap boots again, because it's just not worth it. I can only wear them one year and then they're worn out completely. It's because of my crooked back and my uneven legs. It makes me wear my shoes and boots out fast if they're not very strongly made. I need very sturdy footwear. Believe me guys. Spend money on good shoes!

I darn near killed three very good house plants. First I forgot to water them and they went limp and then, in my zeal to save them, I over watered them and they started to drop their leaves, leaving them kind of ragged looking. I know they will recuperate, but it will take a while and in the meantime I'm afraid to touch them for fear that they'll drop more leaves. I tell you, you can tell a lot about my mental state of health by looking at my plants. If they look poorly, I'm not doing well. If they've died, I'm in trouble. The thing now is to nurture them back to health again. If I can do that, all is well. Or I may have to go out and buy new plants. That's another option.

Now I've missed the 6 pm news and the 8 pm news, which means that I'll have to watch the 10 pm news. Never fear, there's always a news program sooner or later.

Well, that's all I have to tell you tonight. I'm going to get my pajamas on and vegetate. That's always a nice way to spend the evening. It does mean that I have to take those nice boots off. Oh well...

Ciao,
Nora

Friday night and I ain't got nobody...

Aren't I happy about that, though.

I woke up about an hour ago from a comatose nap on the sofa. I slept for about 3 hours and I wonder how I am always capable of it. I slept well last night, so I don't really have a shortage of sleep. All I can think is that I must have been emotionally exhausted from this week and that allows me to sleep so much. I feel it coming on in the afternoon, this incredible urge to go lie down on the sofa and to just close my eyes for a while, and I look at the clock to see how much time I have to do it. I always end up sleeping longer than I plan to, though, and because I fall asleep watching the television, I'm wearing my glasses and they make indentations in my face that hurt when I wake up. Luckily, my glasses are made of titanium, so they are not going to break easily, but the way I squash them, they ought to. I wake up and am surprised by the time on the clock and can't believe I slept as long as I did. I mean, really, these aren't naps anymore. These are regular 'sleep through anything and everything major time outs.'

You see how I can't get enough of talking about sleep. That's because it plays such an important role in my life. It all revolves around sleep and how much I get of it. Or how little I get of it sometimes. How much I need to catch up on it at other times. Or the overdose of it I need at times. Sleep is the same to me as the medications I take. It settles something in my brain and I need certain amounts of it at certain periods of my week or month, otherwise I don't function well. When I have a hypomanic day, I need little sleep, but since that is always followed by a depressed period, I need a lot of sleep. Anxiety causes exhaustion, especially after the issue has been resolved.

Anyway, I thought today was the last day of my Monday and Friday creative classes, but I was wrong. Officially I'm not supposed to be there at all anymore, but the therapist is breaking the rules and letting me stay until my classes at the SPC start. I think that's a damn decent thing of her to do and I'm going to take full advantage of it. I have an appointment for an intake on Tuesday at the SPC and then I'll hear about my classes there and when I can start. Our head therapist, whom we all liked so much, has gone to work there and now everybody from all the different classes wants to go to the SPC. There's a regular run on it. The classes there are going to fill up quickly. I hope that what I want is still available. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

The dog is getting better. His appetite is back and he is a little happier. His B.M.'s are also looking better. He really likes the gourmet food I am spoiling him with, but he also likes his white bread sandwiches. I should put the gourmet food on his sandwiches, like Sloppy Joe's. Oh, I haven't had a Sloppy Joe in a long time, that would sure taste good. Or a hot dog, kosher with ketchup and mustard and onions. It would have to be French's mustard, though. No Dijon or anything like that. Or that horrible spicy Dutch mustard I bought the other day. Man, that stuff is so hot it makes your eyes water. It looked just like plain mustard to me, there was no warning on the label. Maybe all Dutch mustard is hot. I don't know. I never bought the stuff, because the Exfactor didn't like condiments. And to think that the first sandwich I fixed him had mayonnaise and mustard on it and he ate it. That's true love for you.

As is usual, it's taking me forever to write this. I'm allowing many interruptions to take place. A whole evening goes by before I've written one post. Sometimes I just sit and don't do anything, but reminisce while I drink my juice and smoke my cigarettes. I've slept right through the news, so I missed that and I will catch the repeats when I go to bed in a while. I don't know what the state of the country is at all, but as far as I know we're not at war, except in Afghanistan where we are involved in a 'peace mission.' Our prime minister didn't get to be president of the European Union, so we're not going to have elections, which is a shame. He said he wasn't really running for the job anyway, but that's just talking after the fact. He would have loved to have the job. We all wished he had gotten it.

I am utterly boring tonight. I don't have anything exciting to tell you. There's been no drama in my life today. It has been an utterly ordinary, run of the mill day. I am tired and I'm going to take my medicines and go to bed. I'm reading 'Beachcombing for a Shipwrecked God' by Joe Coomer. I don't know if I like it yet, because it's a male author writing from a female perspective in the first person. I think he is getting his gender characteristics mixed up and he uses a lot of details to describe anything and everything, which I find boring. So, it's probably a book I'm not going to like. But I'm giving it a chance.

Have a good night, sleep tight and then have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Oh, let's go again, one more time...

My dear ex-husband was here this afternoon to do the groceries for me. It was his own idea, I did not even so much as whisper the question into his ear. He was really two days too early, but I did not turn him down. I'd rather have too many groceries in the house than not enough. A shopping list was quickly made and off he went in my leather jacket, because he could not wear his motorcycle gear. He has a pair of shoes here for when he has to do these jobs for me. Luckily, he is slender enough to wear my jackets and they fit him perfectly. He looked quite dashing in my leather jacket, but I won't give it up. I may give it up if he gives me his motorcycle jacker, or one like it. I do need a tough broad jacket like that. It will give me the right attitude. Right, sure it will! That, along with my shit kicking boots.

If you're wondering where I get this "tough broad" idea from, it is from admiring women who I think are very independent and who stand very solidly on their own two feet and who don't need a man to help them live their lives. Women who can earn their own living and make their own way in life and make their own choices, regardless of public opinion. I guess they all don't have to wear tough broad leather jackets and shit kicking boots, but that is how I would reinforce my image of being one. I'm not such a tough broad by nature, so I have to fake it a little bit. I suppose I'm still looking for my imago. What do I want to show me as to the world?

When it comes down to it, I'm just a very regular middle of the road woman. I don't stand out one way or the other, much as I would like to. So we're back to yesterday's theme and what it all comes down to is not the outside, but character that counts, and personality, and you can make that visible enough after someone has been around you for a while, if they take the time that is. I've never stopped and thought about this as consciously as I think about it now, though I have on some level been aware of it and paid lip service to it, as any modern thinking human being does. We all say that the inside counts, but we're all busy making sure the outside looks darn good.

Now is the time to test that out. I'm going to dress myself as nicely as I always do, and wear my hair the same way, but always wear my glasses and go without make up and see how people react to me. I'll have no eyebrows, because they are blond and invisible, and no eyeshadow and no eyeliner. Just a touch of mascara on my blond eyelashes, otherwise I'll feel so naked. Only on the top. Then I wonder what sort of impact I will make, or if it will make no difference at all. That's quite a thing to do for someone who is as vain as I am. Let's face it, I do like to think that everything I do makes me look better. Although just lately I'm having my doubts.

Of course, it will mean that I'll have to let my personality shine through a little bit better and not be such a silent onlooker. I'll have to be present. Make more noise, talk more, be more spontaneous. I'll have to practice that. Maybe I'll dare more if I'm more myself and not a painted up version who has to worry about the state of her make up and the condition of her hairdo. Maybe I'll learn to be a tough broad on the inside and I won't need the outside accouterments. Or...maybe I'll learn that I don't need to be a tough broad at all, but a gentle, sensitive one who has a heart and sensitivities and soft spots. Maybe that will be the real me and I'm artificially trying to be someone I'm not. I may just allow myself to find out. I may have to give up my membership in The Tough Broad Society.

How do you like all this mesmerizing? Isn't it fascinating? How to make yourself the most interesting subject of your own post.

One thing that was on the shopping list, was dog kibbles for little dogs, because Toby is hooked on the dried dog food from a particular brand and asks for it if the bowl is empty. However, I had the large kibbles for big dogs and this time I had the Exfactor get the kibbles for little dogs. I think they will be easier to eat and the dog may like them better also. We'll see. It is funny to see Toby chow down on that food. I've never seen him eat with so much appetite. You'd think it was candy I put in front of him. He has gained a little weight, which is good, because he was too skinny for some reason and now he looks normal. He's a big cat and can stand the weight. I'm hoping Jesker is going to lose weight, but I can't tell, because I can't get on the scale with him and see how much he weighs at the same time. It's a two people job. I'll have to weigh him the next time we're at the vet.

I'm expecting the pharmacy to make a delivery of some pills that are the lighter dose of the Temazepam. My psychiatrist is allowing me one a day until he sees me on Monday so we can discuss the need for them. He is being a cautious man. I still had some and took one this afternoon and ended up taking a nice nap and feeling better the rest of the day. I have no qualms about taking pills and I am not worried about becoming hooked on them, as I've always been able to decrease the doses when that was necessary. My medication is my best friend and it helps me think straight when I can't do it on my own.My life has never been easier than when I started taking the right medication in the right dose and the right combination and I've become an expert at tweaking it. I always know what I need and when something works. I would like to eliminate one of my anti depressives, but I need to discuss that with my psychiatrist and it will have to be done slowly. I think I can do without one of them, but that may be wishful thinking. I will just have to try.

It's still early in the evening. The apartment is nice and warm, but the heater hasn't gone on at all yet. Still, with the windows closed it is 21C in here, so the neighbors must have their heaters on. I don't like to have the windows closed, but it does make a difference in how warm it stays in here and there's no draft now. I'm still in my clothes and haven't changed into my pajamas, but I will do so shortly. There's nothing cozier than sitting around in my bathrobe and slippers and watching the news on television. The long political drama and the endless human one. That part is not quite so cozy. You do get immune to some degree, though. Hardened, almost, under the onslaught of misery.

I hope you all have a good night or that you are still having a good day. We had a partly rainy and partly sunny one here ourselves. Real Autumn weather.

Ciao,
Nora

It's that time of the night again...

After dinner, while watching the news, I was sitting in the corner of the sofa, quite upright, not even with my legs tucked underneath me, but that is how I fell asleep. I woke up at 11 pm in just about the same position, but with my right arm dangling off the side and with my hand all swollen up. That just goes to show you, that when I need to sleep, I will do it under all circumstances, no matter what the discomfort level is, because my hand hurt.

Needless to say, when I woke up, I was wide awake and didn't have one ounce of sleep left in me, so I turned on the computer and have been amusing myself with it ever since. I looked up interesting photos on Pixdaus to illustrate my posts with and then cut them down to the proper size in Paintshop Pro. This is the kind of work I like to do, because it is pleasurable, but not difficult, and I takes some amount of time to find the right photos, so an hour flies by in no time. I do have to sort through a lot of photos, because tastes differ and what one person considers pretty, another person does not, and that means, of course, that you may not like my choices either. But I like them and that's the most important thing.

I have completely adjusted to my glasses and the strength of them and they are so very comfortable to wear, I don't know how I ever did without them, or how I ever was satisfied with the other ones. Well, I wasn't, that's why I wore them so seldom. These are just perfect and I can wear them all the time for any kind of job, which is how it should be. I thought it was strange that I had to take my glasses off when I sat behind the computer. It just didn't seem right. If you have to do this, they may not have been adjusted to your eyes properly.

Jesker is very dissatisfied with me, because he really wants to go to sleep in the bedroom, but because I'm not there, he feels that he needs to stay out here with me. He longs to lie down on his comfortable pillow, though. The poor guy, he is so torn. That's loyalty for you. I hope he chooses for his pillow, I would not be the least bit insulted.

When I was downtown today, I was not the least bit tempted to go shopping and there have been times when that has been different, when I thought I had to buy something for myself whenever I was in town. I am so strict with myself nowadays, that I hardly ever permit myself to give in to the urge, not even at the nice store that has continuous sales and where I very often find very good deals. These days, all I do is pay bills and buy groceries and buy the odd little thing for myself now and then. A book or something. Nothing big. I try to buy myself a treat now and then, but I never spend a lot of money on myself and the treat has to be just a little thing, but something I am happy with nevertheless. It seems that life has gotten very expensive for everyone and everybody is feeling the crunch.

Yet when I am downtown, I see people walking around with numerous bags from expensive stores and I wonder how they can afford to shop like that still. It seems that there is a segment of the population that's doing just fine and that can spend money as usual. That surprises me in these times and I think it is so wasteful. If I were in that situation, I would certainly not waste my money on expensive items, although they say that money must roll. I am exposed to too many people who have to make it from one month to the next and really watch their money, and then it seems almost obscene to watch people shop with so much abundance. I think there are people in this society who have no idea what it is like to have to account for every Euro that you spend. Especially not our government leaders, who have such unrealistic points of view about what people can live on. I shouldn't complain, though. I am still much better of than a large majority of the people in this world. On top of that, I have excellent health insurance, something that even a lot of people in 'rich' countries can't afford.

Oh. I have to make sure I don't get bogged down in politics, but you may have noticed that our prime minister is in the running for president of the European Community. They can have him, for all I care, I'm sure he'll do a fine job and make everybody happy. We can get another prime minister easily and maybe one who does a better job at leading the government. It seems he is a quite popular candidate. That's because he doesn't ruffle any feathers.

Okay, that's enough about politics and economics. Back to the domestic scene. Toby is very happily crunching down on the dog food. The next time I will have to get the mini kibbles, they will be easier for him to eat and the dog may like them better too. Anything to make these animals happy. Jesker usually likes the kibbles for small dogs better, he likes to vacuum them up out of the bowl. I had forgotten about that.

I must seriously consider going to bed now. I do want to get some sleep before the day starts and more than that actually. I wish there was an easy way for me to silence my digital alarm clock, but I haven't figured it out yet. So promptly at 7 am I need to shut it off. That's okay really, I can take my medicines then and go back to sleep.

Alright, off I go then. Have a good morning or a good night. I will be sleeping.

Ciao,
Nora

Oh no, not again!

I was going to watch the 8 o'clock news, but instead fell asleep on the sofa, as if that is anything new, and now, of course, I'm wide awake and I've just finished answering emails, which took me forever, because I kept being distracted by my own thoughts and forgetting what I was doing. It's called daydreaming and I fall victim to it easily at different times in my life.

Now seems to be one of those times. It makes doing anything last twice as long, because everything makes me think of something else that I have to ponder over, like a gently meandering stream of water, curiously and slowly finding it's way downhill, forming puddles here and there before moving on again. Oh, how poetic of me, but so exactly what I mean.

Anyway, I never did get to watch the news, so as usual, I am badly informed and I don't know if we're having a government crisis or if the queen is abdicating. Maybe that is just wishful thinking on my part. Of course, it would be awfully bad timing for either of those things to happen now, but I don't have the mental energy to explain why, just accept that it is so. Let's just say that we don't want a new Adolf Hitler for prime minister and that the crown prince isn't ready to be king yet, or that the queen isn't done being queen yet. One of those two.

The good part is, that when I wake up from one of those extensive naps, I'm not filled with self hatred like I used to be. Instead I am excited to be awake again and look forward to spending some time behind the computer with a cup of decaf and my cigarettes. I'm like a little kid that gets to play with its favorite toy. Who ever claimed I was a grown up anyway? I just act like I am one, but deep in my heart?

But talking about liking yourself or not, I guess that right now I don't like myself very much, because I feel that I'm breaking the rules by being up. I should go to bed, but I'm not quite ready to and that makes me feel bad, because I'm supposed to stick to some sort of a schedule and I have a tendency to very quickly feel guilty and when I feel guilty, I start to dislike myself and it's a downhill course from there. It's better if I talk about it and air my feelings, because disliking myself can have such big consequences for me, so I have to stay up and get over these feelings, instead of scaring myself into bed...

...imagine a long pause here where I do nothing but try to collect my thoughts while I drink my decaf and smoke my cigarette. Actually, imagine pauses all over the place, some short and some long. I am in that kind of a conversation with you, well, call it a monologue, because I don't hear you talking back at me, although I imagine that too.

Come on, I'm setting myself over all those negative feelings and I'm going to enjoy the time that I'm up. It's a shame that I don't have any way to get rid of those negative feelings, I can't cut them out of me, but I sure as hell can shout louder than them.

Jesker wants something from me and I have to try to figure out what it is. I think he wants to go out.

Yup...that's what he wanted. If everything in life were as uncomplicated as Jesker it would sure be easy. Let's pretend that it is.

Ciao...