Don't forget about the angels...

I woke up from my nap with a headache so that was not a good begin to the rest of the day. But it got better as I moved around and now it is nearly gone. I haven't yet taken a painkiller and will not unless I have to. I'd rather not take anything if I don't absolutely have to. It's amazing though that you can get a headache from sleeping. I thought that was a very relaxing activity. I guess I don't know everything yet.

I woke up half way through my nap because the dog had thrown the alarm clock to the ground where it landed in three seperate pieces. Fortunately, it was still working and when I put it back together it was still telling the right time. I do have to get another, sturdier alarm clock. This one is rather old and rickety. I got it from the Exfactor to use temporarily. That's been long enough now. You should look gift horses in the mouth sometimes.

The first thing I did when I got up was make a cup of coffee. It may be instant coffee but I needed the caffeine. I'm properly activated now after the first cup but I can't take the dog for a walk because it's raining outside. That means I'll have another cup of coffee and wait a while. The dog is very patient and didn't even want to stay out back for fear of getting wet. He is sensible sometimes. The older he gets, the more sensible he becomes.

---------------

The rain stopped and the sun suddenly came out and it was the perfect time to take the dog out. It was lovely outside and not too cold. It was perfect to be out there for a while and get some fresh air. I do so appreciate the longer days. I feel like I've been out in the country. That's a lot of wishful thinking on my part. The air did feel awfully clean, though. I feel completely restored by it.

The dog is casually eating his dinner but I neglected the cat and almost forgot to give her her kibbles. She did sit on the kitchen counter with a look of astonishment on her face. I quickly remedied that and she's now chowing down from a newly filled bowl. 

I suppose I must start thinking about what to eat for dinner myself. I first have to take my medicines. I'm a very faithful medicine taker and never skip a dose and very seldom forget to take them. For this reason, my psychiatrist is very fond of me. 

I think I will have Greek yoghurt and a banana and share the banana with the dog. He is awfully fond of them and they are starting to get a little spotted. Tomorrow the Exfactor will do the groceries and buy more of the things I like best. Luckily, they are not the most expensive. I'm an inexpensive consumer. It doesn't matter what the prices are at the supermarket. I always fall into the cheap category.

Right, off I go. I hope you'll all have a good evening with something good to eat.

Ciao,

Irene

Mondays that don't hurt...

It's already afternoon and the day seems to have flown by. No doubt that has to do with the fact that I slept until 9 o'clock in the morning. I don't know how I managed that feat either, but I thought it was worthwhile mentioning. I couldn't believe it when I looked at the alarm clock and saw what time it was. I had been up twice during the nigh, and those had both been opportunities to stay up, but I withstood the temptation and went back to sleep, rightly so, it turned out. It seems I do have enough sleep in me at night to stay in bed and take advantage of it instead of getting up and artificially arousing myself with numerous cups of coffee, only to collapse again in the morning.

I took my time getting started and had two cups of coffee while I sat behind the computer and smoked cigarettes and answered emails. To me that's the only way to start the day. Reach out an touch someone. I must get my brain in working condition right away and coffee and cigarettes help me get there. I does feel good when all the synapses fire correctly. There's nothing like some mental activity to get me in the right mood. I would be a talker if there were someone pleasant to talk to. 

The first thing I do, though, when I wake up, is abundantly greet Tyke who sits beside the bed waiting for me to open my eyes. I make a big deal out of saying good morning to him as if I haven't seen him for a long time and not just a while ago when I let him outside to do a piddle. We have our bonding ritual with much petting and hugging and that really starts the day of right. I wouldn't want to have to do without it. He is very friendly and good natured first thing in the morning, but then he really always is. 

The hard part is waiting for the coffee to get done, even though it really doesn't take all that long. It just seems like it because I want it done instantly, which makes me sure that I want a Senseo machine again. Once I have my cup of coffee, I am truly satisfied and think that all is well with the world and for a while I am the most contented person around. I don't think there is anybody on the block more happy. They can all make the claim, but I won't believe them. 

So, I sat in my bathrobe and wasted some time behind the computer and waited for my personal helper to show up. When I knew it was time for her to arrive, I shut the computer off and emptied the overflowing ashtray. She does smoke too, so I like to present her with an empty ashtray. Once she got here, I jumped in the shower and got squeaky clean and dressed in a clean set of clothes. I sprayed all sorts of delicious things on myself and Tyke had a very good sniff of me when I surfaced again. 

It does feel good to be a reborn person, if only on the outside. It makes you feel as if you've gone through a little metamorphosis, because there is such a big difference between you in your bathrobe and you in your nice clothes, all dressed up. I had very shiny clean hair and for a change I got it in the proper do all at once and sprayed hairspray on it to get it to stay that way. Even I liked the way I looked. And I'm a critic. 

We walked Tyke in the cold foggy morning air, with the sidewalks all covered in yellow leaves, and it was very pretty and I liked the way the air felt on my face. It was a very typical autumn day and perfect for the first day in November. The timing of the weather couldn't have been better, but it would have been very nice to have been out in the countryside to really appreciate it and the beautifully colored trees and the fields that are fallow now. You do appreciate this time of year when you realize what's up ahead and you want to take advantage of it all the more. 

We had coffee and a long chat when we got home and the domestic help showed up before the personal helper had even gone. I had the apartment full of help. I do so appreciate it and feel very lucky. The quality of my life has improved tremendously. When the personal helper left, the Exfactor showed up and had a cup of coffee also and told me about how he had had to work yesterday when the weather had been so beautiful. It had been unseasonably warm and the sun had been out in a bright blue sky in the afternoon.

As a matter of fact, when I had coffee with my sister, we sat outside the front of her house in the sunshine without our jackets on and it felt like a summer day. We stayed out there until the sun disappeared behind some houses and it cooled off to remind us that it was autumn after all. 

The Exfactor took my list of groceries and went to the supermarket on my bike with the large shopping bag and my bank card. The domestic help finished cleaning the apartment and when she was done, the Exfactor returned fully laden. The fun part is always finding room for all the groceries while Gandhi and Tyke try to poke their noses into everything and generally try to get in the way as much as possible, until I distract them with food, which is what it is all about. 

I had to change Tyke's dog food, as he ate the stuff I had for him very reluctantly. Luckily, he liked the new kind very much and ate it within the shortest amount of time. Gandhi also like it very much and I gave her a small portion on a little dish on the kitchen counter. She didn't realize this was her lucky day and that there are many lucky days to come. She does owe her luck to Tyke's generosity and his willingness to share. 

The Exfactor had another cup of coffee and then was off to do his other errands and I was finally alone with the animals again. Tyke's gone to sleep at my feet and Gandhi, who was locked into the room with a vacuuming domestic help, is now sound asleep in the armchair. She was very upset about the vacuum cleaner and walked out of the room very indignant when we rescued her. The poor cat does have a tough life here, what with all these people coming and going and wanting to be friends with her and saying how pretty and lovable she is. 

Oh, by the way, there was some doubt in my sister's eyes when I presented her with the cardigan that didn't fit me, but once she put it on, and saw that it fit and how nice it was, she was happy with it. So, I've done a good deed. 

Have a nice day all of you!

Ciao,
Nora

Amongst other things.

I slept 9 hours last night and I am proud of myself. I wasn't sure what time it was when I woke up, because it was gloomy outside and my alarm clock sits on the highest shelf so Tyke can't get to it. But then I got up and saw what time it was and was mighty satisfied. I went to bed early last night, so that I could catch up on my sleep, having not slept properly the night before, which was a foolish thing to do and which I should not repeat. I woke up at midnight to go to the toilet, but had enough sense to go back to bed and I didn't lie awake thinking about the computer and how much fun I could have with it. I was sound asleep again within half a minute. Which goes to show you that I need my sleep just as the next person does and that it's silly to force myself awake in the middle of the night with a cup of coffee. It only upsets my rhythm and causes me nothing but a lot of inconvenience. So, I'll let this be a lesson to me that I mustn't forget.

I took Tyke to the vet yesterday and even though Tyke has been there now for two operations, he has no fear of being there and no fear of the vet. He waits patiently for it to be our turn and is fascinated with all the other people and animals that are in the waiting room. He harbors no ill feelings toward the vet and allows him to examine him and treat him. Tyke has an inflammation of his eye and the vet gave me an antibiotic ointment to apply to it 3 times a day. Already, after 3 applications, his eye is starting to look a lot better, which gives me hope that everything will turn out well. Tyke is good about me applying the ointment. He patiently waits for me to put it in and gently rub his eyelid so that it's spread well over his eye. He really is turning into a good dog.

The domestic help was here yesterday afternoon and cleaned everything that was already clean and some things that were not. I think her heart is in the right place, but she doesn't see the things that are very obviously in need of care. She's got a bit of a one track mind. She's a very nice girl, though, and I hate to hurt her feelings, but she's very obviously blond. And naturally so. I am too, so I know what of I speak. I know how ditsy I get myself. I think the other domestic help is right, though, and I may be better of with just her. A lot more things will get done, probably, and the place will get really clean. We'll see how the tale unwinds.

I can't use my bathroom scale. Water from the shower has gotten into it and I can't read the display. I will have to take it apart and dry it. The battery still works , because it makes an attempt to form the numbers, but I can see a drop of water behind the little window. I feel skinnier, so I'm sure I have lost weight. I can't wait to see how much.

I thought I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this morning, but just to make sure I called to check if this was right and it is a good thing that I did, because the appointment isn't until Thursday afternoon, when I also had written one down in my agenda. I didn't know which was the right appointment. One of them had been canceled, but I didn't know which one. I was ready to just go, because I thought the other appointment was for him to call me, as I had written that down beside it. Sloppy administration on my part. I must have been really confused, as I do sometimes get when in a higher based mood. I have small periods when I'm a bit hypo manic. They don't last long and I'm not worried about them, but for a while I'm as high as a kite and I have to wait to get down to earth again.

Gandhi has been sleeping on Jesker's pillow since I moved it. She was always the one who loved Jesker most. And Jesker loved her the most. Tyke doesn't want her on the pillow and half lies down on it when she's on it. Then he starts nudging her to get her off. I'm going to wash the waterproof cover to see if I can get it stain and smell free and if Tyke will lie on it then, but it may be as the Wise Web Woman says and he will never take to it and require his own pillow.

I've got to get going now. I've got ants in my pants and the need to move and get some things done. Lord only knows what's wrong with me.

Have a happy day.

Ciao,

Nora

Saturday morning...

I seem to be averaging about 7.5 hours of sleep a night now and when I wake up, I feel good and not groggy and confused and in need of lots of coffee to get my act together. I'm pretty perky and ready to cuddle Tyke at first sight. He gets into bed with me and thinks we're going to settle down for some more sleep. I only leave him under that illusion for a short time.

The only thing I don't like, is that I have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and I have no idea what time it is, because of no functioning alarm clock, so I have to go into the living room to see what time it is. I'm trying to replace the battery in one of my watches now, but I can't get the back off, which is very frustrating and which I hope the Exfactor will do for me when he gets here this morning. I'm sure there's a trick to it that I don't know about. At least that way I will know what time it is in the middle of the night, but I do need to get a new alarm clock, unless I keep waking up a 5:30 am.

So, I get up and first I feed Tyke and the cats and give them their milk, and then I make myself a cup of coffee. Like a regular human being who functions normally from the moment she gets up. It's nice to know that this is possible too. Sleeping 12 hours and waking up from a comatose situation wasn't all that great either. It took me so long to get my brain in functioning order.

That was sleeping like a teenager does and you can't talk to them when they get up after sleeping so long. I know I was not coherent when I was a teenager and I got up in the weekends, called out of bed by my mother to come partake of our communal coffee hour. My mother could not comprehend that I was not able to have a conversation. She expected us to say "Goodmorning" in our most cheerful voices. I grunted in my pajamas. "Don't mumble so," she would say and I grunted, "Goodmorning," in a foul mood.

The Exfactor was here and didn't know how to get the back off the watch either, but knows of a cheap place where they can and is going to take it there for me next week. He is a handy man to have around to do these kinds of jobs for me. It means again that I don't have to go downtown to take care of it. I still do have to get a new watchband for my other watch, but there's no real rush. I can do that when I am back to my old self and casually ride my bike into town.

Oh, I rode my bike to my SPN's office yesterday, It had been many months since I had been on it and it took me a while to get used to it. I kept wanting to ride it into the gutter and over debris in the road and over the sidewalk. That was on the way over there. I did much better on the way back, because I sang a song to myself, as my SPN had suggested I do, and that way I was more relaxed. It's just a matter of getting used to it again and feeling comfortable with it, like riding a car, which you never forget how. I could get in a car now and drive away with it comfortably, although I have not driven one for 16 years. It would have to be an automatic, though, I would have a little bit more problems with a stick shift.

I just cleaned the Senseo coffee maker with a bottle of vinear. It had been so long since I had done it, that it only gave 3/4 of a cup instead of a full one and it made a lot of protesting noises while it did so. It moaned and groaned and grumbled and sounded like it was going to fall apart in 20 different pieces. It has stopped making those noises now and is making full cups of coffee again. It's no longer dangerous to stand in the vicinity of it.

Allez, I have to pay bills. I think my money is in the bank now and I have to pay the vet bill amongst other things. Then I have to go to the tobacconist because I'm not sure I'm going to make it through the weekend with my supply. It's drizzling outside and 14C, so that's not too bad, but not warm enough to turn off the heater and open the windows. It's very comfortable in here now. I don't like being stoic and cold.

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

Evaluation.

I think it is important to remember that what happened to me yesterday was due to withdrawal from my medication. I have very drastically gone from 450 mg to 150 mg a day, which is quite a change, and I was bound to run into trouble. It is going to take my body about 2 weeks to get adjusted to the new dose and then I will have to reduce the rest that I'm taking. In the meantime, the new medication needs about 2 weeks to build up into my body properly until it is at a constant level, so you see that these 2 weeks are going to be difficult for me. I didn't know ahead of time how difficult they were going to be, but yesterday afternoon showed me a glimpse of it.

I went through a long crisis and somewhere towards the end it started to dawn on me that I was having withdrawal symptoms. Once I realized that, I started to deal with it differently and not take everything so very personal and serious. I did take the withdrawal process seriously and knew I had to get through it the best way I knew how. I decided to let myself cry as much as I wanted to. So that's what I did and I cried about everything. After that I was so exhausted that I fell asleep on the sofa and slept for a couple of hours.

This morning I feel better. I had a long night's sleep and didn't get up until eleven o'clock. It took me a good hour to come to my senses. It felt like I was awakening from a coma. I drank my coffee on the sofa and cuddled Tyke, who likes it when I sit on the sofa, because it gives him the opportunity to show me all his tricks that he thinks of himself. Like, how to jump from the sofa to the coffee table without knocking over the coffee cup that is standing there. Life is a circus here thanks to Tyke and his ingenuity. We rarely have a dull moment.

Having Tyke sleep in the bedroom with me at night is working out well, because he behaves very well and patiently waits for me to wake up. That's why I get to sleep so late in the morning. There's not a sound out of him all night and when I go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, he follows me in and out of the bedroom with few problems. He does get sidetracked by Gandhi, but that is easily solved by calling him to order.

He also lets me know when he needs to go out back for a piddle. He's figured out how to do that on his own. He puts his front paws on my arm and looks at me very intently. That does not mean, I want a cuddle. It means, I have to go now! How I tell the difference I don't know. I think it's mostly guess work.

I realize that with me being comatose until the late hours of the morning, I can't make any appointments until the afternoon and I can't go shopping with my sister in the morning. I just talked to my sister and told her that we can't go shopping at 8 o'clock in the morning tomorrow, so we have to do it in the afternoon after my domestic help has been here.

It also turns out that my other digital alarm clock is broken, so now I'm without an alarm clock, but I'll tell you honestly that I'd hate to be awakened by an alarm clock in the morning before I'm done sleeping. It would be a disaster to not get the sleep I needed and to have to function on not enough. I think it's better if I just wake up on my own and get started at my own speed and save whatever appointments I have to make for the afternoons. I don't want to upset the precariously balanced apple cart.

I hope the episodes like I had yesterday are few and far between. Right now I feel so good, that I can't imagine having another one, but I know I mustn't tempt fate. Things aren't finely tuned right now and everything is unbalanced. I feel that I walk a tight rope and I could fall off at any moment. So, I must enjoy the times that go well and I do, believe me. Every moment that is pleasant is savoured. Nothing is taken for granted.

I have to get dressed now and take Tyke to go and have coffee with my sister. She is home from a week in Italy, so we have some catching up to do. Besides, she has very good coffee.

I hope you are all having a good day.

Ciao,
Nora.

In the middle of the night.

I went to bed early, since I sleep such long hours now, and I figured that would get me up at a reasonable time in the morning. I didn't have an alarm clock in the bedroom, because both of their batteries had died, so I took the simple one last night and put a battery in it and set it to the proper tine. I set the alarm for 9 o'clock tomorrow morning. Needless to say, it went off in the middle of the night and woke me up and I was unable to go back to sleep, though I tried. That alarm clock is going into the trash tomorrow morning after I take the battery out. I have a better digital alarm clock, but didn't want to mess with it last night, because it is more complicated to set. I wish I had done it now.

So, instead of being sound asleep, I find myself wide awake like I used to be. It's a real darn shame and maybe I should not go to bed so early again at night, but just wait until I'm good and ready to go to sleep. Now I've only slept a couple of hours and that clearly is not enough. I hope I get tired again soon, so that I will be able to go back to bed and sleep those additional hours. I won't cry wolf yet, it's only one night, but if this keeps up longer, I have to let my psychiatrist know.

Well, I'm seeing him in less than 2 weeks, so I guess I could let him know then. He doesn't want me to become hypomanic, so watch for any signs of that, people. If I become very devout and start lighting candles in the chapel, or I start discussing the queen a lot, it is time to ring the bell. If I get religious or royal in any way it is time to ring the bell.

I spent two years of my life with a man who used to call me Duchess. I used to pretend it had less to do with the fact that I was Dutch, but more to do with my superior status in life that was just obvious the minute you laid eyes on me. He used to call his ex-wife Turtle, so I was really lucky. I thought I was God's gift to him, but he did not think so and ended up back with his ex-wife after I married the Exfactor as a pure survival strategy. That's what he wanted all along. He just couldn't do it while I was single and available. Memories, huh? One day I will tell you more about this story.

I'm actually starting to get tired now. I am yawning and that is a good sign. Tyke has been asleep by my feet all this time. He's not going to be ready to sleep more when I go back to bed. He'll have to come, though, whether he likes it or not. I can't leave him here in the living room. There are too many potential things to get into and tear apart. He's still a puppy, after all, and I don't trust him yet. Two more months of this and then the worst should be over.

Well, I suppose I will try to go to bed now. I may read for a little while, maybe that will help. I have a theory about this, but I will get into that tomorrow. Remind me to do that.

I hope you're all sleeping tight.

Ciao,
Nora

How to do it?

I have to figure out a way to dispense my energy evenly without being at either side of the spectrum in my moods. If I'm manic I am capable of doing many things, but when I'm done being manic, I turn into this sleepy headed woman again who needs to take naps and who doesn't at all spend her time wisely. It may be that I take too many tranquilizers and I'm going to try and cut down on them, although I don't know how easy that is going to be, because in the past I've always needed more of them for various reasons. Today I was exceptionally sleepy, but I think that was in reaction to the past mania too and I can't count it as ordinary behavior. It is just now that I'm starting to feel like a normal person again and I have stopped yawning, which I've done all day long. Well, I write that down and yawn, of course.

I took a long nap today after I had slept late this morning. I felt fuzzy headed while I walked the dog and not at all wide awake and I knew I needed more sleep. But I think that's not normal and I want to stop being in that position. I want to have an ordinary amount of energy and not have to wait for a mania to get a lot of things accomplished. I think it's very reasonable of me to expect to have enough energy to do the ordinary things in life that other people do without feeling wiped out. I am cutting down on the tranquilizers now and I'll see how it goes. I don't constantly have to be drugged, after all. I'm not a dangerous animal.

It's snowing! A nice layer of powdery snow is covering everything outside and the dog and I already walked in it. I did say that I didn't want it to snow, didn't I? Well, this snow, so far, is nice. It is very clean and pretty and there isn't a lot of it, so it's not too bad. I do have a good pair of boots to wear for it now, after all. I'm not going to get wet socks. It was nice to be outside and have the snow fall on us and it reminded me of the fact that my father and I would always go out for a walk in the first snow of the season and this would usually be at night. We wanted to make the first footsteps in the snow. That was a nice tradition that we had. I'm sorry he isn't here to do that with me anymore now. But the dog and I can do it. I think the dog likes snow. He likes to sniff in it very much, the same way he sniffs in fallen leaves.

Speaking of dogs. He looked at me with such melancholy eyes tonight after his dinner, that I gave him an extra 150 grams of food and he ate it with good appetite. That's such a little amount of food that it's not going to make much difference in his diet and it made him happy. I sure don't have a heart of steel and I can't deny him food if he's still hungry. What I gave him was lean meat, so it should be okay. You see, there's a certain logic in my reasoning.

I'm listening to some very obscure music that I got off the Jamendo website where you can download music for free. It's very innocuous music and not very exciting. Good to have in the background while I write this. There's nothing startling about it. Some blues, some jazz, some chansons, some new age. Oh, gag me with a spoon! When something is totally free, you don't have much choice. You make the best of it. That's why I just switched to Deezer for some better music. The Wild Yaks! That will wake you up! Of course, it completely prevents me from concentrating on what I'm writing here. I'll have to switch it off so I can hear myself think. I don't know how kids do it with their iPods stuck in their ears all day.

I have liked having all these days off. I thought I was going to mind not having therapy hardly, and soon none at all, but I like sleeping late in the mornings and getting my days started slowly. Well, except for those few days there. I quite accidentally, and I don't know how, have shut off the alarm clock in the mornings and now it doesn't go off at 7 am, which means I sleep until 9:30 am or there abouts. It's quite nice, even when I go to bed on time. I'm going to try and stay up a little bit late tonight and see if I can't mop the floors. Yeah, I know, it sounds ridiculous, but I'm really considering it. I must do it one of these days, it may as well be now. And I have to change the sheets on my bed. Toby has been lying beside my pillow and it is kind of grubby there. I know, I should put a towel down there, but I always forget. Besides, clean sheets are nice to have on the bed.

I'm saying to you that I may do all those things, but I may just as easily skip them, because I'm yawning again. I certainly dislike all this tiredness. I thought it would disappear with the vitamins, but maybe I haven't taken them long enough yet. I've only had five capsules. I suppose it's going to take a little longer than that.

Well, that's it for me for now. If I suddenly get a burst of energy, you will be the first to know. I doubt it very much, though, but I can hope for it.

Have a good evening.

Ciao,
Nora

Thursday early in the morning.

I was so tired after a, for me, intensive day yesterday, that I went to sleep at 9 pm, even after I had taken a nap on the sofa in the late afternoon and slept through the alarm clock at 6 pm, which is amazing with its incessant beeping. Since it was in the bedroom, it did lower the impact of the sound somewhat, yet normally I can hear it very well, but obviously I was in a coma and oblivious of everything. It was Jesker who woke me up eventually, because he needed to go out and was making very urgent noises right by my ear.

I did manage to make it to creative therapy and worked on my fantasy pen and ink drawing, which really is nothing special at all and I think I am just wasting my time on it and it is going to end up rolled up on top of my closet and never see the light of day again. That's not because I'm down on myself, but because I absolutely don't like what I'm doing and am just filling up my time. I only have one more class to go to on Wednesday next week and that is it.

I did get the proper form to request an intake for the SPC and mailed it to my SPN so she can fill it out and get the ball rolling on that process, It shouldn't take long. Mostly it's a question of formalities, which is good, because I got a letter with an appointment in the mail yesterday from Social Services to talk about my situation and where I stand in the reintegration process. I think that's just a formality too, as I think it's been a year since I was there last. They probably want to make sure I'm still as nuts as ever.

In the afternoon it started to rain again, so I had to wait for it to stop until I could run my errands, because I was not about to get soaked on my bike. Finally, at 2:30, it stopped raining and I took all the books that had to be mailed and went to the little post office first, where the damage to my wallet was not as bad as it could have been, so I heaved a sigh of relief.

Then I did my grocery shopping, in the most economical fashion, and I really took my time and compared prices, because I was buying things I normally don't buy and I was also trying to buy enough groceries to last me for a week. It's fun to buy new items and comparison shop and see how much difference there is in price and the assumed quality of the product, which can never be bad if you shop at a good supermarket. They've got they're reputation at stake, after all. I do buy the store brand if I can.

When I got that done and had filled the bike bags and the shopping bag, I stopped by the tobacco shop for my weekly supply of tobacco and got home just in time before the next shower hit. It's more fun to put the groceries away when you have new items and it is especially fun when you have three animals helping you. They always assume that I've brought home stuff for them and they assume right. I always give them something to eat, even if I already had that in the cupboards, because they don't know the difference. The dog always gets a bone and the cats get fresh kibbles. It's a ritual.

In an effort to eat healthier, and to lose weight, I had decided that I didn't want to live on porridge anymore, although I love the stuff and can eat mountains of it. That's just the problem. I had bought very thin sliced black rye bread and light mayonnaise and three kinds of luncheon meats. I have discovered that I can eat one slice of rye bread with two slices of luncheon meat at the time, and that I can eat another one an hour later. And I am satisfied then. I started off with salami and it was so good. It was the best thing I've tasted in a long time and it was nice to chew my food for a change. I have to chew it well, keeping in mind my gastric band, but all goes well and one slice is just enough. Rye bread is high in vitamin B, iron, zinc, potassium, magnesium, fiber and calcium. So that and drinking low fat milk and multi vitamin fruit juice should keep me in good shape. I have to lose 12 kilos, believe it or not. That's what eating all that porridge did for me. That's 26 pounds. Picture that in your head.

Well, anyway, I'm going back to bed for just a little while to sleeps some more. I think it's too early to be up already. I've taken my medicines and the start of the day can wait for a bit. I've got a better thing to do.

Have a good morning you all.

Ciao,
Nora

A lovely Saturday afternoon.

Why is it so lovely? I don't know, just for the heck of it. Because I feel in a good mood and there's nothing standing in my way to feel anything differently. I got up early this morning, but after a while I realized that I really wasn't done sleeping yet, and after taking my medicines and eating breakfast, I went back to bed and slept until noon, when I really was ready to get up and I felt great. I had briefly opened my eyes an hour earlier, but I knew it wasn't time to face the day yet, because I still felt discombobulated and not at all put together properly and in my right mind. Isn't it an amazing thing what the proper amount of sleep does to you and for you? I feel sorry for people whose lives are dictated by the alarm clock, because they must never get the right amount of sleep, unless they go to bed real early at night, and even then they are shook out of their sleep by that incessant beeping at whatever time they've got the alarm set and it can't be a welcome sound. No wonder there are slumber buttons. You get used to the idea slowly that you have to get up. I must remember to set mine for four minutes intervals so I can get used to the idea of getting up myself. Why does it take me so long to catch on to modern technology? It's not a new invention, after all. I do walk behind the times.

I just got four more mooched books in the mail and now I really do have to clear that cubicle in the bookcase that I still haven't gotten around to, because I have nine books in need of shelf space. I procrastinate so much, because I don't have a clear picture in my head of doing the actual job, or imagine that it is going to be too frustrating and avoid it, when really it is going to be fairly easy and I just assume that I'm going to run into all sorts of frustrations. That shows you how low my level for stress is, I avoid the least minimal amount, yet always, when I get around to doing the actual job, I am quite competent at it an do it well and efficiently. I seem to not learn well from my experiences and only remember the frustration beforehand. I'm actually a quite competent person and can be trusted with all sorts of work and do a good job of it, because I'm very thorough and I have my mind set on only one thing and that is to do it well. I am a perfectionist.

Right, I'm not going to avoid clearing out that cubicle anymore. I will do it this afternoon. I'll just think of how nice the books will look once I have cleared everything up.

I also called the other Internet company that I had canceled at the beginning of the year and that still insisted on taking money from my bank account, even though I thought it had all been cleared up and they had just given me a refund for overpayment. After getting transferred from one person to the next, and repeating my story over and over again, I think I finally got it straightened out, but I won't know for sure until I see my next statement on line. Then I'll have to retrieve the money again and we'll have to start all over again. Apparently the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing. I find help desks especially unhelpful and you have to pay for the call too, while you are held waiting until someone is free to 'help' you. This is my second experience this year with changing service companies that's ended up costing me money, when it should have been easy as pie. I'll never change companies again. Tempting though it is to go with a cheaper one.

Argh! Wrong subject to blog about! I need to blog about less frustrating things like church bells that are chiming right now for whatever kind of mass is being served. That makes me think of bread and wine and food in general and how I've not had garlic bread in a long time and how much I like it and how it really is time that I eat something like that again. I must call the clinic about my gastric band next week. I will have to make a note of it in my diary, otherwise I will forget to call. I wonder how many people they get who want to get their gastric band deflated so they can eat normal food again. It wouldn't surprise me if it were many. When it comes to eating food, I've never been so frustrated in my life.

I'm not picking good subjects to blog about. I will tell you that I also still need to do the dishes and vacuum the living room. I'm not much in the mood for the latter and it's getting kind of late in the afternoon to do it and do the other jobs. Doing the dishes will be nice, because it involves playing with hot sudsy water. I so prefer it to vacuuming. I also hate to upset the animals with the noise of it, although Jesker acts like it doesn't bother him in the least, but then he's half deaf.

The Exfactor was here yesterday afternoon and I was able to discuss my latests affairs with him and he gave me a lot of good feedback. It's nice when your own ex understands you and your situation and is rooting for you and helps you think things through until you come to a satisfying conclusion. He's been here three times this week and really helped me out and saw me through this whole situation and watched me go through the whole thinking process, without pushing me into one direction or another, but he was glad when I finally came to a conclusion and started to make sense and discussed that with him. He has known J. as long as I have and knows him well and has a high opinion of him. So he is satisfied with my decision to keep seeing him. J. and I will discuss our relationship face to face soon.

I've just walked the dog again. I don't know why he wanted to go out, it wasn't even his time to, but maybe he was bored and wanted a little outing. He didn't do anything special such as mark a lot of territory, so I think it was just a walk for his pleasure.

In the meantime, I've gotten awfully hungry, no doubt thinking about that garlic bread, and I will fix myself something to eat first. Then I will tackle those jobs. If I don't fall asleep on the sofa.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

I ought to...

I should be running around now like a chicken with its head cut off, but instead I'm sitting here cool as a cucumber writing this post. I am a terrible housewife and think I can pull the whole thing off in less than one hour. I probably will too. I'll pretend to be in great haste and speed through my chores like a mad Tasmanian Devil and get them done in the shortest amount of time. Well, I don't have to pretend to be in great haste, I will actually be so, because J. will be here at 2 pm and I better be done by then. Do you think I like to live on the edge? I would say I do.

I was up part of the night and went to bed early in the morning. The alarm clock woke me at 7 am, but I shut it off, of course, and went back to sleep. When I was ready to wake up, I really wasn't. I could have slept some more and I've needed two cups of coffee to wake up properly and many cigarettes. My addictions have been adequately fed now and I am just about ready to face the inevitability of the day.

We're going to have rain showers today, but it is actually going to be warm for the time of year. A whole 16C, that is 60F for you Americans. It is unheard of.

I'm going to rattle through this post as fast as I can and only tell you things that happen to pop up in my head randomly. Oh yes, I posted a new story on my writing blog. You know where to find it. At least I hope you do. If you don't, you can find it here. There, I helped you out after all. Now there's no excuse not to go and read it. It's a six sentences.

I must remember to not slump in the chair, but to sit upright, because it is better for my back. Sometimes I'm leaning way over to the left and I wonder why I can't see the keyboard properly. Right now I'm doing my best to sit up straight with both feet planted firmly on the ground, and believe me, it is a much better position to be in. It's so easy to forget good habits and to let yourself sit like a sack of potatoes, resulting in all sorts of aches in your body that are unnecessary. The thing to remember is to have both feet on the ground and both buns planted firmly in the chair and to have your back straight and self supporting.

I think my mattress must be a very good one, because I rarely wake up with a backache. It is a firm one and the underlying system is firm too. It doesn't give a lot. I had to get used to it when I first had it and I thought it was too firm and I thought I wouldn't be able to sleep on it, but now that I've had it for more than a year, I must say that it has been good for me and that I seldom have backaches anymore. But I do get muscle aches from sitting incorrectly in the computer chair and because of the curve in my spine, I will always have that tendency to lean to the left.

Lord, if that's the worst of it, then I don't have much to complain about. I will count my blessings as I discover them and remember to look for them in all the right places. They shouldn't be too hard to find.

This opposed to the situation my blogging friend Maggie May finds herself in. It would be very good of you if you stopped by her blog and sent her some good thoughts and well wishes, because she sure can use them now. She just discovered that she has secondary cancer and has to deal with that fact and it is very difficult, but she's a real trooper. It makes me want to count my blessings all the more and appreciate my good health every day of my life. From one day to the next, you can suddenly find yourself in a completely life altering situation.

The animals are becoming unruly and want to be fed and watered. My plants want to be watered too. I forgot to do that last week and they look a little dry, especially now that I have the heater on. Actually, the heater goes on seldom, because it does stay warm in here very well. I have the thermometer set at 20C and I feel the radiators every once in a while, but very often they are cold, meaning the space is warm enough. Bless my neighbors for that.

I need to get the show on the road now and get dressed and start cleaning. I'll whip that vacuum cleaner through the apartment so fast, I'll be like Speedy Gonzalez. And mop that bathroom floor. Nothing can defeat me. I'll do it with the greatest of ease and all the muscle power I have.

I hope you all have a wonderful day and that you don't have all those ran showers like we are having. Unless you need them, of course. Maybe you are in a very dry part of the world.

Ciao,
Nora

It's that time of the night again...

After dinner, while watching the news, I was sitting in the corner of the sofa, quite upright, not even with my legs tucked underneath me, but that is how I fell asleep. I woke up at 11 pm in just about the same position, but with my right arm dangling off the side and with my hand all swollen up. That just goes to show you, that when I need to sleep, I will do it under all circumstances, no matter what the discomfort level is, because my hand hurt.

Needless to say, when I woke up, I was wide awake and didn't have one ounce of sleep left in me, so I turned on the computer and have been amusing myself with it ever since. I looked up interesting photos on Pixdaus to illustrate my posts with and then cut them down to the proper size in Paintshop Pro. This is the kind of work I like to do, because it is pleasurable, but not difficult, and I takes some amount of time to find the right photos, so an hour flies by in no time. I do have to sort through a lot of photos, because tastes differ and what one person considers pretty, another person does not, and that means, of course, that you may not like my choices either. But I like them and that's the most important thing.

I have completely adjusted to my glasses and the strength of them and they are so very comfortable to wear, I don't know how I ever did without them, or how I ever was satisfied with the other ones. Well, I wasn't, that's why I wore them so seldom. These are just perfect and I can wear them all the time for any kind of job, which is how it should be. I thought it was strange that I had to take my glasses off when I sat behind the computer. It just didn't seem right. If you have to do this, they may not have been adjusted to your eyes properly.

Jesker is very dissatisfied with me, because he really wants to go to sleep in the bedroom, but because I'm not there, he feels that he needs to stay out here with me. He longs to lie down on his comfortable pillow, though. The poor guy, he is so torn. That's loyalty for you. I hope he chooses for his pillow, I would not be the least bit insulted.

When I was downtown today, I was not the least bit tempted to go shopping and there have been times when that has been different, when I thought I had to buy something for myself whenever I was in town. I am so strict with myself nowadays, that I hardly ever permit myself to give in to the urge, not even at the nice store that has continuous sales and where I very often find very good deals. These days, all I do is pay bills and buy groceries and buy the odd little thing for myself now and then. A book or something. Nothing big. I try to buy myself a treat now and then, but I never spend a lot of money on myself and the treat has to be just a little thing, but something I am happy with nevertheless. It seems that life has gotten very expensive for everyone and everybody is feeling the crunch.

Yet when I am downtown, I see people walking around with numerous bags from expensive stores and I wonder how they can afford to shop like that still. It seems that there is a segment of the population that's doing just fine and that can spend money as usual. That surprises me in these times and I think it is so wasteful. If I were in that situation, I would certainly not waste my money on expensive items, although they say that money must roll. I am exposed to too many people who have to make it from one month to the next and really watch their money, and then it seems almost obscene to watch people shop with so much abundance. I think there are people in this society who have no idea what it is like to have to account for every Euro that you spend. Especially not our government leaders, who have such unrealistic points of view about what people can live on. I shouldn't complain, though. I am still much better of than a large majority of the people in this world. On top of that, I have excellent health insurance, something that even a lot of people in 'rich' countries can't afford.

Oh. I have to make sure I don't get bogged down in politics, but you may have noticed that our prime minister is in the running for president of the European Community. They can have him, for all I care, I'm sure he'll do a fine job and make everybody happy. We can get another prime minister easily and maybe one who does a better job at leading the government. It seems he is a quite popular candidate. That's because he doesn't ruffle any feathers.

Okay, that's enough about politics and economics. Back to the domestic scene. Toby is very happily crunching down on the dog food. The next time I will have to get the mini kibbles, they will be easier for him to eat and the dog may like them better too. Anything to make these animals happy. Jesker usually likes the kibbles for small dogs better, he likes to vacuum them up out of the bowl. I had forgotten about that.

I must seriously consider going to bed now. I do want to get some sleep before the day starts and more than that actually. I wish there was an easy way for me to silence my digital alarm clock, but I haven't figured it out yet. So promptly at 7 am I need to shut it off. That's okay really, I can take my medicines then and go back to sleep.

Alright, off I go then. Have a good morning or a good night. I will be sleeping.

Ciao,
Nora

On a lazy morning.

Well, after I wrote my very interesting last post about going in search of Blogger templates, I did just that and found several websites that had free templates that you could install, but it all turned out to be a popcorn fart and in the end, I almost lost my complete blog and had to do some tricky things to get it back and then go to the original templates that Blogger offers themselves and customize one of them and what you see is the result. At least it's a change and it's something different for a while until I change my mind again, and I don't want to hear any complaints about it. You'll just have to adapt to the change along with me and humor me in my fickleness. I am, after all, a woman who is allowed to change her mind repeatedly. I thrive on change when it comes to my blog. Not in real life, I like everything the same there, very predictable, but in my blog I allow myself to make changes.

The clocks did get turned back one hour, because my radio controlled alarm clock woke me at 7 am this morning, when the other clocks and my watch said it was 8 am. So, I guess all of Europe has turned the clocks back this weekend. At least western Europe has, most likely.

I was immediately wide awake when the alarm clock went off. I jumped out of bed and sped into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. It was as if I was a woman with a mission. The only one I have right now is to go walk the dog who just ate his breakfast, so I better go do that right away...

It is 10 degrees and cloudy and windy outside (50 degrees F.). Real Autumn weather. The leaves are changing rapidly and covering all the sidewalks and parking spaces. Soon enough the trees will be bare and we will all be longing for spring instead of winter. That will be that awful cold season that we have to get through and I sure hope that Mother Nature will be kind to us and make it a mild winter and not one in which I am going to freeze my buns off with snow and ice. I'll never forget trying to ride my bike in the snow and slipping all over the place as I got caught in tracks made by car tires that had made icy spots. It was no fun whatsoever. Especially if you're not so young and agile any longer.

Thank goodness for warm leggings that you can wear underneath your skirt and look decent in. They are keeping me warm. And so are the scarves that I'm continually wearing. They've taken the place of the necklaces I normally wear and are keeping me nice and warm.

I am fortunate enough to have one pair of boots that I've had for ages and I'm wearing those now. They were expensive and I bought them when I still lived in California. They are in good shape and I guess it means that it pays off to invest some money in a good pair of boots and not buy the cheaper kind. I have to go look around in some shoe stores to get an idea of the price of boots and I'm purposely not going to look in the cheap stores. I have to buy real leather boots with good soles and solid heels. Not high ones either. I will just start walking funky if I get those. I'm not going to bother to take the other boots to the shoemaker. I think they are not worth it and within the shortest amount of time I will have the same problem again. They are not real leather and weren't very expensive, so it will probably cost more than I paid for them to repair them. I suppose you could say that in the end they weren't a very good buy. That teaches me a lesson about going for the cheap article. It doesn't always work out well.

Is there anything more delicious that a freshly made cup of coffee? I just made one after putting it off for 45 minutes, because I was to busy doing other things, but it sure tastes great. I do love the flavor of coffee. I don't remember when I started drinking it, but in my memory it seems like it has been forever. Those cookies that were so hard to eat that the café on the square served, are biscotti and you are supposed to dunk those in your coffee to make them edible. If you try to eat them without doing that, you'll break a tooth. I dunked my biscotti in my cappuccino on Friday and it worked well. Within seconds I had a soft cookie to eat. If I had waited any longer, it would have fallen apart in my cup. I heard about this from someone else when I complained about the hard cookie I was served.

I just googled Italian cookies and came upon all sorts and they sure made me hungry for some. They have some cookies that look like the kind we have over here too and I'm sure they are very similar in taste. The Netherlands is the land of cookies as well and you can buy many kinds in the store. My favorites are the kinds that are made with real butter and almonds and dark chocolate, not necessarily in that combination. Another thing we are big in is candy and a town of any size has at least one candy store where there are bins of candy with scoops so that you can fill your bag yourself and have it weighed at the counter. And then there are always the bonbon shops where you can pick out handmade bonbons per piece and have them put in an attractive box. Secretly, that is my favorite shop. If you're ever a guest at my house, don't bring me flowers, bring me bonbons. I'll eat them all myself, no sharing!

I'm dubious about cleaning house today. It really is a day off, since it's Sunday, and I should take advantage of that and read blogs and my books. I'm almost done with The God Squad and I will get the chance to finish the other book I already started. The one about the reading group. I must finish it before I go on to the next one, so I do have a mission to accomplish. No doubt I'll take a nap, because I didn't sleep long enough last night. I think I will make this a day of rest and relaxation. The first thing I'm going to do now is eat, because I'm hungry after talking about all those delicious treats.

Have a great day. The sun's come out momentarily. What a thrill!

Ciao,
Nora

Rien ne va plus.

I just woke up from a mega nap. I was so sound asleep that I didn't hear the alarm clock go off at 6 pm. It warns me to take my medicines and is very loud and obnoxious, but eventually turns itself off. I think that happens after four minutes, so for four minutes that crazy things beeped like mad and I wonder what the neighbors thought. Luckily, nobody broke down the front door thinking it was the smoke alarm and that I was lying unconscious on the sofa.

What wore me out so very much, was the fact that I went to the grocery store myself. I just had to get some shopping done and I was unable to get a hold of the Exfactor. I tried for two hours, but finally gave up and realized that I had to go myself. It was difficult and as I was getting ready I felt a lot of anxiety and almost didn't go at all, but I needed milk and dog food and coffee, so I just had to go. I was anxious on the bike ride over and thought I would probably have a nervous breakdown in the store, but then I thought, "Okay, if that's the worst thing that's going to happen to you, then so be it."

Then I went through the stress of getting a shopping cart (trolley) and getting the groceries and going through the check out stand and putting all the groceries in the bike bags and the shopping bag, and after that the worst of it was over. I had survived that with a bear sitting on my chest and a rapidly beating heart. All that was left to do was ride my bike home safely and unpack the groceries. Somehow that seemed manageable, but when I was done, I was so exhausted, that all I wanted to do was lie down and sleep.

I feel the anxiety just writing about it. To make matters worse, I probably have to go again on Saturday, because I was unabe to get enough stuff to last me through the weekend. So I have that to look forward to and I'm already worrying about it. It was crowded in the store this afternoon too and for a change I had to wait in line at the check out stand, which gives you too much time to contemplate your situation and anticipate all the things that can go wrong. You see how I get to be a nervous wreck.

This morning at creative therapy I was fine. I made a drawing on a big piece of paper and colored it with ink and I am only mildly happy with it. It is something I thought about painting on canvas, but now that I've seen it worked out on paper, I don't think that I will. It's an idea I had that was not originally mine and it shows. I have to stick with the things that I think of myself and not try to imitate other people. I have to do my own stuff. You live and learn and you learn from your mistakes just as well as from your successes. It´s not a wasted morning, because I know what not to do now, and I would have made the mistake of trying to put it on canvas and that would have been a shame.

I think it´s a good idea if I just stick to the paintings I´ve been making and variations thereof and the collages of the two various kinds, those with colored paper and paints and inks, and those with images and text I get out of magazines. I think the colored paper ones have my preference right now. At home I have to work in a smaller space than I do in the therapy classes, so I have to scale down my activities a bit. There won´t be room for huge pieces of paper. I can still buy the canvasses, though. They´re on sale at the cheap variety store close by that also sells art supplies. It´s just a matter of getting them home in one piece.

When I have the time and energy and inclination, I´m actually quite excited about doing art at home. I work at the dining table now, although that is not the best place to work, but for now it will do. I have my supplies stacked on a chair and scoot it under the table. Other things are lying in boxes in my bedroom. I still have watercolors and colored pencils there. I mustn´t forget the watercolors when I do the collages, they are very handy and I can make them as rich in color as I want. You see, writing about it already gets me excited.

I´m glad tomorrow is a day off. I hardly got anything done yesterday, due to extensive nap taking. I perform one major task and think I have to lie down and sleep. Blessed sleep. I feel that it´s so good for me right now. It does take up a lot of time, but it is so healing and so comforting and I sleep well at night too. I look forward to going to bed with my book and getting cozy under the duvet. I´m asleep in no time and this morning I was actually awoken by the alarm clock. Yes, that time I was, it was right by my head.

I´m going to get my pajamas on now and see if I can watch some TV while I have something to eat. Then it will be time to go to bed. What a wonderful thing. I can´t wait.

Have a good night, you all.

Ciao,
Nora

Oops!

I got up real early this morning and thought I was done sleeping and made myself a cup of coffee and turned on the computer. In a very short time, however, it turned out I wasn't done sleeping at all and I had to hurry back to bed and very comfortably crawl under the duvet and in a few seconds I was sound asleep again. In a deep sleep, as a matter of fact, so that I missed my appointment with my SPN at 9 am. I woke up with a shock at 9:10 and realized I was too late and very quickly called the clinic where I heard that she was looking for me. I got her on the phone and we made a new appointment for tomorrow afternoon at 2 pm.

I think from now on I will make all my appointments for in the afternoons. I have too much of a hard time waking up in the morning many mornings. I even have been known to sleep through the beeping of the alarm clock and it will stop after awhile if you don't react to it. Either that, or I turn it off in my sleep and keep right on sleeping. My son used to be the same way. You could blow a fog horn beside his head and he would still keep on sleeping.

At least I'm properly awake now, there's no doubt about it, and I'm having a nice cup of coffee. Jesker is still asleep in the bedroom and so are the cats.

I'm doing better today, though I have a bit of a mental hangover from yesterday. I can't believe how bad yesterday morning was and I'm surprised at my own reaction and behavior. I thought I was a lot tougher than that and I am shocked that I am not.

What does this mean for me when I have to go make it in the real world? I have instructions now from my psychiatrist on how to deal better with situations like this, but I'm so afraid that reason will leave me and that emotion will take over and that in no time at all I will be a complete mess again, should a similar situation arise in which I am challenged to my limits. It's a horrible feeling to think you are going crazy and I don't know what the consequences are if I don't somehow interfere. I'm always afraid that I'll become psychotic, because I've been on the edge of it several times.

Well, today is a new day and a new start, even though I have that bandage around my arm as a reminder and those bills that need to be paid. Shoot, I'll make it somehow. I am a survivor, after all.

There's a mouse in the kitchen closet. It must be the same mouse that was here last week. I just noticed Gandhi very intently watching the crack beneath the door and when I opened it, something scampered away very quickly. Toby is watching, but doesn't really seem all that interested. For Gandhi the hunt is on, but there are a lot of things in the closet for the mouse to hide behind. I will have to get a trap. There is dried dog food in there and no doubt that's what it's been eating. It must have been getting water from the cat's bowl that is sitting right by the door. The poor thing, living in a closet. Let's hope it's a boy mouse and not a pregnant female.

I suppose that mouse is a survivor too and if it isn't a pregnant female, I should just let it live in the closet, except that it may make forays into the kitchen and I don't want that. I'll have to pay attention for any mouse droppings.

Jesker is awake too now and is making up his mind about what he wants. He's been out back for a piddle and he'll probably want to eat next, but that thought hasn't quite penetrated his skull. He's a little slow when it comes to things like that. He's got a little bit of ADD. My son had that and I know all about how it works and how it does not. God bless the mothers of children with disabilities!

I know a little about Asperger's Syndrome and I think if my son were to have been diagnosed now, he would have gotten that diagnosis. It's a shame that we didn't get the proper help and support back then when we needed it. Everything and every school year was an uphill battle.

Well, I have to bring this to an end, because Jesker has decided that he wants to go for a walk. He was very clear about it. So you all have a very good day and enjoy the good weather and the sunshine, which we have here in abundance.

Ciao...

Idleness...

My friend Gail says she is stuck to her computer chair with Velcro and that she so dislikes the sound of it coming undone that she doesn't move at all. So you see I'm not the only one who is very attached to her PC, and I have it from good sources that there are more of us. Given the choice between doing dull household chores or blogging, the last one wins hands down.

I fell asleep on the sofa while watching TV last night, although that was not at all in the planning, and when I woke up, I immediately moved my area of operation to the bedroom, where I slept until the alarm clock went off at 7 am. I wanted to ignore it, but it is very insistent and I stumbled out of bed, trying to not step on the dog who was laying there oblivious of everything.

My first cup of coffee was too cold, because I had poured in too much milk straight from the refrigerator, but I drank it anyway. It was caffeine, after all. My second cup of coffee was better. At first I thought there was something wrong with the Senseo machine and I envisioned a future without coffee in it and having to drink only tea, but luckily I was spared that. Although I don't dislike tea at all. I just don't know if it will wake me up in the morning.

I was staying with people once who only drank decaf, but I didn't know that, and I wondered why I had such a hard time getting my act together in the morning and why I was hanging all over the furniture like a wrung out dishcloth.

I took the dog for a long walk yesterday evening. We walked in streets that we had never been in before and he enjoyed it very much, anticipating at each corner where we would go. He did very well and it is so easy to make a dog happy. Just give him a new environment and he is full of curiosity. We made a big circle outside our usual territory and when we got back to familiar terrain, he knew just when to cross the street to get back on his regular route.

He was worn out when we got home, but after about 15 minutes he wanted to eat and barked at the cats to keep them away from his bowl while I filled it. He is so assertive! His appetite is very good lately and he eats with a great deal of hunger until his bowl is completely empty. He leaves nothing for the cats to their great dismay. He handled the distance just fine, though, and wasn't shaking on his legs like he sometimes does, so that is encouraging.

Today is housecleaning day and go to the tobacco shop day. I'm slightly discouraged about the house cleaning. Somehow I'm not really in the mood for it. I know I have to do it, but it is such a unpleasant activity that not one bone in my body is getting excited about it. I think if I dust and vacuum first, that will make a great deal of difference and it won't make me feel like I'm up against an impossible job. I wouldn't mind so much if I knew that tomorrow it would still be as clean and I wouldn't have to do it all over again.

Oh shoot, I'm suffering from the housewife blues and that is not allowable. I have to get over that in the shortest amount of time possible. The best thing to do is to dig right in and to not think about it too much. Too much thought spent ahead of time only makes it worse. I think I will eat something first and then get the show on the road. It's easier to work on a full stomach.

Have a terrific day. We're partly cloudy here.

Ciao...

Normalization.

This morning I slept until the alarm clock woke me at 7 am, even though I had gone to sleep early the night before. I woke up a few times during the night, but managed to go back to sleep immediately every time. I wasn't in the best of moods when I got up and almost talked myself out of going to creative therapy, but then I thought that was a foolish idea, because I needed to get out of the house and be out amongst people.

So, I had my cup of coffee and found some clothes to wear, which was really a search for the right clothes, because the weather looked kind of dubious, and then I walked Jesker. It was wonderfully cool outside, just the temperature I liked and I was wearing the right clothes. I didn't need a jacket, yet it was overcast and looked like it was going to rain.

Once home again, I took my medicines and made cigarettes and drank a cold glass of juice, because I'm always so thirsty in the morning. I have myself a nice moment at the dining table before I am off to therapy and I sit and drink my juice and smoke a cigarette and stare out the window at people leaving to go to their work. I am the silent observer of what goes on in the street and I see a lot of things, like a Belgian car that is parked by the side of the road and a guy rides by on his bicycle and drops a package in the open window of the car. Aha, a drug deal. It happens regularly.

Then I went off on my bike to the clinic and I still did not have the right attitude. Once there, I made myself an espresso and sat on one of the benches out on the deck. Slowly people trickled in and got their coffees. Some were enthused and some were not. Sometimes people just have a bad day. Like me.

Until the coffee break at 10:30, I did very little work. I doodled a little, but my heart wasn't in it. I was so completely unenthusiastic about being there and about doing any work and I did not have the least bit of inspiration. Mostly I sat and watched other people work and drank coffee and ate cookies. I was glad when it was break time and I could sit out on the deck again and I stayed out there for a long time, 20 minutes past the time I was supposed to be back, but by that time I felt a lot better and had some inspiration and could actually draw something that looked halfway decent.

When it was time to go home, I was ready to tackle the rest of the day and things didn't seem so dire anymore. My mood was improving and I could actually start to enjoy myself.

Jesker was happy to see me and wanted a belly rub, but the cats kept getting in the way, much to his dismay. I fed him the last broken pieces of Bonzo bones, which made him very happy and took him for a walk. Then I mad a shopping list and prayed that there was money in the bank, because I didn't check and took the books with me that I had to mail for Bookmooch.

There was a long line at the little post office and it seemed that everyone had to do something complicated. The poor woman behind the counter didn't get flustered one bit though. She kept her cool and calmly helped each customer. When she added up how much I had to pay for shipping my books. I nearly had a heart attack, but I am getting double the amount of books back and I won't be shipping any big books anymore. It's no wonder the Americans only want to ship inside their own country.

Then I had to do the grocery shopping and stow all of that in my bags and the bag on my handlebars and go to the pharmacy where I had to pick up 3 kinds of medicines, one of which the prescribing psychiatrist of that day had gotten wrong. Luckily, they know me at the pharmacy well enough that they gave me the right medicines with the promise that I would arrange the right prescription for them. It's always something with the medication, unless my own psychiatrist prescribes, but he is on vacation.

Boy, it is hard to maneuver your bike through all the traffic when you are loaded down with groceries and you have to cross two busy streets and manage two bike paths. It is asking for an accident. I didn't have one, but that was sheer luck. Okay, and a little careful planning on my part, but I cut it close a few times.

Now I am extremely tired and I need to go to bed. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I should have left this job for tomorrow morning, but I didn't think I would tire that quickly.

Have a good night, everyone, sleep tight.

Ciao...

Waking up properly.

What I need to do now, in order to wake up properly, is write a post, otherwise I'll sit here forever in a state of half sleep wondering why I can't get the day started.

I shut the alarm clock off at 7 am and slept some more, but I dreamed like crazy, so it felt like a lot of work. They are all dreams in which I figure myself out and face some things of my past symbolically.

I've gotten pretty good at figuring things out, as long as I'm honest with myself and I'm willing to look at the unpleasant aspects too. There are no deep hidden meanings in my dreams, usually. Most of it is pretty blatant, as long as I remember that it's coming from my mind and my imagination, which runs rampant at times, I must admit.

I dreamed I was feeding Africa. I had a black baby on my hips and a broken bottle that would not hold milk, but it would hold whipped cream. So I went to a wealthy house and sneaked into the kitchen and filled the bottle with cream, but some elderly men lived there and found the whipped cream and wanted it all for themselves. That's a pretty obvious dream, isn't it?

I don't know, maybe that dream does have a hidden meaning that I'm not seeing. Maybe I see myself as a third world country, who knows? And the broken bottle is my psyche and the elderly men are the men in my life and I can't live on ordinary plain milk, I need whipped cream. Psychologically speaking, because when your psyche is broken, ordinary milk leaks out and whipped cream does not and Africa was just a vessel to pour my meaning into. If that's the case, I'm more clever than I thought I was.

Well, I'm pretty sure that's it.

Jesker is going to get a trim and a bath today. Totally unaware of this, he is laying here beside me not knowing that at 1:30 pm he will be at his "favorite" place ready to be made handsome again. He always trembles a bit when I leave him behind on the table and I feel just the littlest bit bad, but it must be done, otherwise he will start to resemble a mop.

Oh yes, speaking of food. I have now lost 8 kilos, because this morning I weighed 91.9 kilos. Pretty good, huh? I love it when I get on the bathroom scale and I'm not expecting anything and I've lost weight. For now, I have 6.9 kilos left to lose. After that I'll see if I can lose any more. If I keep eating the way I am now without going hungry, I'll lose weight automatically. If I add cheese or yogurt, I don't know what is going to happen. I may like them too much and eat too much of them.

That's the thing you see, I can't have anything in the refrigerator or the cupboards that I like a lot, because I'll start eating more often, not because I'm hungry, but because it tastes good. I have to be my own policeman when I shop or otherwise I'll buy the wrong things.

Well, I'm properly awake now, so I'll get the day started. Jesker has eaten and no doubt has to go and do big business now,

Have a great day, you all, we're actually expecting some rain along with the hot temperatures. It will be tropical.

Ciao...

Being assertive...

Well, up at 7 am, woken by the alarm clock out of a deep sleep, I sort of stumbled out of bed, knowing it was important to do so, but more than willing to sleep some more, but I made it to the kitchen to make a mug of strong coffee and set myself down on the sofa with Jesker between my knees and proceeded to pet him while I attempted to wake up.

Jesker was very demanding, wanting to be petted no matter what position he was in, standing up, sitting down, laying down and standing up again and no cat was allowed to come near. I guess he felt like we had to do a lot of bonding, but finally he'd had enough and went to sleep

I made myself a second mug of coffee and drew out the waking up process to the last minute and then got the show on the road in a hurry. Luckily, my hair is always in relatively good shape, so I don't have to mess with it much and I wear minimum make up and have it on in no time. I scrub my face first with pure olive soap and it makes my skin soft and don't apply anything to it in the summer time. No foundation, I mean, for the color. I just go rosy cheeked like apples.

I got to therapy with ten minutes to spare and then hardly anyone was there and I had time to drink a whole cup of coffee and smoke two cigarettes while we waited for the stragglers to get there, who came in at various intervals.

We had a heavy duty session and it seemed that everybody had something very important to discuss and get help with, including me, but everybody got input from the group and there was much concern and indignation and compassion and advice for everybody. Sometimes everyone of us takes on the role of therapist and gives advice, guided and led along the right path by the real therapist so we don't screw it up, but we do give our honest opinions.

When I said, "Is this it for me? Is this all I am going to be doing, making sure I stay in a stable middle of the road place without suffering from these terrible ups and downs?" The therapist said, "Oh no, that is just you applying your safety net, it is not who you are, it is going to allow you to be who you are, which is an intelligent, talented and creative woman." She said that everybody required structure and predictability to some extent to help them be who they could be and I had to work on that extra hard to make sure I always had it as a safety net.

So that made it a lot clearer to me and I know better what to do now, I understand it better now and see my abilities and under which conditions they will thrive and I am to an extent the mistress of that. I have to build in structure and predictability every day of my life.

This was my food for thought for today and tomorrow and the days after. I have to give it a place and apply it to my life. Learn to do that anyway. It's not a message I'm just going to brush aside or say that I understand it and then not give another thought to it.

Anyway, Jesker and Gandhi were in their usual spot behind the front door when I got home, and Jesker pushes Gandhi out of the way and tries to make sure that he gets all the attention, but Gandhi just slips around him and gets it anyway. I do have two hands, after all. Jesker is not that smart.

I had to send my registration to the Center for Work and Income, even though I don't have to apply for a job, I do need to be registered in order to receive my monthly allowance. It's very important that I do this every four months and I always have it written in my agenda with the paperwork by it. Jesker and I walked to the mailbox in the heat and made a circle back home again so he could sniff in some different spots for a change. This is always very exciting to him and he lifts his leg all over the place, marking his territory.

I was expecting the "cleaning person" and hadn't done a thing and didn't give a hoot. It wasn't his regular day to come and I thought it was too hot to do anything and I was not about to apologize for the way things looked. I figured he could come in for a cold drink and then leave again.

So, that is how I handled it. I told him what I did do, what I didn't do, how I didn't stick to the schedule and that I liked to figure it out on my own and offered him a cold glass of juice and then he left and next week the "cleaning woman" will be back from her vacation and we'll see what happens then. I couldn't care less. I just don't take it seriously anymore.

I just realized that I'm becoming uncomfortable revealing intimate bits of information about myself and that I want to censor what is written here and I am dubious as to what to do. I think I will let it stand for now, because I've written it down already, but I'm going to be more careful in the future. I think I will not be so specific from now on. Generalize things a little bit more.

Oh, something I don't need to generalize about is my weight, I weigh 92.4 kilos and that means I have lost 7.5 kilos or 16.5 lbs.. Yes, kudos, thank you! This is such a safe subject to talk about.

I'm going to watch the news and eat a tin of mackerel or a salami sandwich. I have to think about it. Choices!

I hope you all had a nice day and that you're not sweltering in the heat too much.

Ciao...

Almost dinner time.

If I do all the things behind the computer that I want to do, and I don't mean just farting around, I can easily spend a whole afternoon and still not be done. Not because I'm slow, but because there's so much to do and it all takes time, which I don't mind, but it's time taken away from doing other necessary things.

I tell you, though, there's nothing better than coming home from therapy and walking the dog and turning on the computer for a nice long session. Today I allowed myself that time. I made an executive decision. Especially when I checked the shelves and the refrigerator and saw that I do not have to go to the store for at least another two days.

I very moodily got out of bed this morning when the alarm clock went off, because I thought it was way too early, but then I saw that cute face of Jesker who wanted to be petted and I had my coffee and cigarette and I felt a lot better. So, I took my time to become a fully functioning human being again and then got up to properly start the day. Once I get going, I'm okay. I move like a train, albeit an early locomotive, not a high speed one.

Today I had creative therapy, but I got there early enough to hang out in the stinking smoker's room with a very depressed woman who wished she was home in bed and looked it too. I wanted to cheer her up, but didn't know the words, not being depressed myself anymore to that point and only having vague memories of what that was like. It's like childbirth, you forget how awful it was.

Soon enough it was time to go down to the studio and go to work on my attempt at a sculpture. I'm calling it an attempt, because as I worked on it, it became clear to me that the design didn't lend itself well to the clay and that the whole thing was likely to collapse upon itself, and sure enough, pretty soon I reached that point. Do not despair. I folded the whole thing over and took the rest of the clay and pounded it all back into a solid block and started over again to redo the sculpture that came out of the oven in fifteen pieces. I do want that one and I want to give it one more try.

As I'm building it up, I'm trying not to make any mistakes in it and avoid getting any air trapped in it, because I think that's what happened before. I'm paying close attention to what the therapist tells me and follow the instructions.

I'm always covered in white clay dust by the time I'm ready to go home and try to get most of it off me and the rest gets blown off as I ride my bicycle home. Sometimes I still have some on my boots when I get home and I forget about it and walk around with it all day long. That shows you how much attention I don't pay to my appearance sometimes. I can be vain at the start of the day and then forget about it for the rest of the day.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how deaf Jesker is. I try to get his attention when he is not looking at me and I just start talking to him. So far he doesn't seem to hear me much, or he is ignoring me, but then that would be something new. He's always been very alert and now he seems to use his sight more. He has also been sleeping behind the front door when I am gone, so he knows immediately when I am home.

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I had to interrupt myself, because I had to take Jesker to the vet for new ointments. The vet looked at his eyes and we are only preventing them from getting worse at this point. I also mentioned the fact that Jesker seemed to be getting deaf and he looked at his ears, but saw no ear infections or anything, so he is just getting deaf, which the vet said is a fact of life at his age. I now have to keep this in mind when I talk to him and when I am out walking with him. I am not going to let him off the leash again.

Anyway, I noticed that he watches me more closely now to see what I am going to do and when I go to bed at night, while he's asleep on his blanket, he searches the whole apartment for me when he wakes up, while I call his name from the bedroom.

Tomorrow I have creative therapy again, this time in the different room with the different therapist. I'll finish my third and last doodle and I'll try to remember to take pictures. Then I am going to be doing some painting. There is a whole collection of art postcards to choose from in all diferent styles to copy and I think I'll have a go at that. Unless I change my mind between now and tomorrow when the moment is there,

Alors, it's time to put my pajamas on and get comfortable. I'm starting to yawn, but it's to early for that. This old body wants to just sleep more and more. I wish I had a soft ice cream. That would taste so good right now, But alas.

I hope you all had a good day and that you will have a splendid night. We are supposed to have rain. It's cozy when it rains and you're laying in bed.

Ciao...