Compulsion...

I feel compelled to write a blog post, yet I have no idea what to write about. I will have to make it up as I go along. Maybe something brilliant will come up. 

In the meantime I will think about the chocolate that I'm having a terrible craving for. I can only think about it because I have none in the apartment. I'm never prepared for moments like these. 

Okay, I'm all done thinking about the chocolate. There's no sense in dwelling on it if there's none here. Besides, it would just make my eczema itch because it always does. That's the kind of reaction I get to it. I better think of another food group.

That reminds me that I have to ask the Exfactor to buy me a semi-soft cheese when he goes grocery shopping next. I have been having a craving for that also. I'd like for him to get me a good chunk of it that will last all week.

I think I'm getting in the mood to eat more wintry type of foods. The kind that have more calories. I've got to watch that. I'm already eating porridge every day despite my misgivings about the wheat and the fact that it gives me gas. 

I know what time of year it is when I get in the mood to eat cheese. Next I'll be craving pumpernickel bread with real butter, though I think I already am. I've got to make it a point to keep eating healthy foods. I should be alright then. 

Talking about the food that I'm potentially going to eat is not going to make me gain weight. It's what I actually put in my mouth that's going to do it and so far I've got that under control. I just mustn't get carried away with the shopping list. 

I think I will get lots of Knorr chicken soup and a bag of vermicelli. That should take care of my cravings for something hearty and it will be filling too.  Impromptu meals can be made with it.

Right now I'm not eating anything, but having cups of coffee. After the one I'm drinking now, I'm switching to low fat milk. Ice cold. It takes care of whatever craving I may have and it chills my taste buds into compliance.

I'm very content sitting here, but I am yawning, which is surprising when you consider the caffeine. I'll slowly get sleepy and ready to go back to bed. It was the animals that woke me up. The dog was pestering the cat and the cat was complaining loudly in my ear because she was lying on my pillow. 

I need to get up on time in the morning and make sure I get some quiet time in before my personal helper gets here. I do need to drink a cup of coffee in all silence to gather my thoughts before I get dressed. 

I hope you'll all have a good day with beautiful weather. 

Ciao,

Nora 

Another terrific day...

No, I'm not being sarcastic when I say that, nor am I being hypo-manic. I just wanted to share my somewhat good mood as I sit here with my second cup of coffee. Of course, all moods are momentary and I have to take advantage of this one as long as it lasts because it may only be here for an hour. That's why I say now that it's a terrific day, while I should really say that it's a terrific moment.

I'm also very easily and quickly pleased. As long as nothing goes wrong, I'm happy. As long as I know that the day is going to be very uncomplicated, I'm thrilled about it. Since today is Sunday, there's nothing much that can go wrong and I expect no complications. It is a day of rest, after all. Better yet, nothing much is expected of me. I think that's the most important thing. 

Yesterday I had to go to the tobacco shop and I thought that was a complicated thing to do. Of course, yesterday was a complicated day for me anyway, what with the fact that I was trying not to go around the bend from all the sleepless nights I'd had. Riding my bike to the tobacco shop seemed like a very difficult thing to do and once I had finally done it, it was a major load off my mind. I bought myself a chocolate bar as a reward. No doubt that made me gain a pound.

It was a relief to take my old sleeping pills last night. I slept better and after I had been up in the middle of the night like I always am, I slept better in the morning too. The most important thing is, that I was not hypo-manic during the night and I avoided drinking a lot of coffee to create an artificial high. And, even though it was a super full moon, I was not a lunatic, although I would have expected it. Apparently not knowing that it was until this morning, made me not be influenced by it, although I have to say that I was a lunatic the night before this one. 

I've walked the dog and it is a fairly nice day out there. We have a hazy sun and pleasant temperatures. I'm waiting to see the buttercups in the grass. That will be a happy day.

Ciao,

Nora

Waiting for the rain to stop...

I'm waiting for the rain to stop, so I will be able to go to the gas station to buy cigarettes, but it looks like there's no end to it. I may have to bundle up and ride my bike through the rain and get wet. There are worse things, of course, but it's no pleasure I'm looking forward to. It's not something you do voluntarily. I'll have to do it to take care of my nicotine addiction, but that's not really voluntarily. That's more like I'm driven to. 

I also still have to take Tyke out for a walk and knowing him, he would not really mind going out in the rain, providing I would rub him dry well with a towel afterwards. If I'm going to get wet anyway, I may as well take him for a walk too. I may as well pretend I enjoy it and do this for my daily living. Mailmen have to go out in it, after all. I have yet to hear our mailman complain about the weather. Except when there's a heatwave. 

The really good part is that it's Friday evening and that means that it's officially weekend now, though why that should be such a big deal to me still puzzles me. For some reason I still think the weekend is special, because I can do what I want and with that I mean, sleep whenever I want to. As if I don't do enough of that during the week. I sure make a big deal out of sleeping, don't I? It seems to be such an important thing to me. I'm either short of it or doing too much of it. I never find the right balance. Or very rarely. 

I think I will buy enough cigarettes to last me all weekend so I will not have to worry about having to go to the store, because I just know that it's going to be emotionally stressful for me to go. Whatever I do now, will prevent me from having to do it later at a worse time. I anticipate anxiety and I want to be one step ahead of it. I have to make it as uncomplicated as I can. Getting wet in the rain is the least of my worries. At least I don't wear make up that can run.

I do wish I had a car. Those of you with cars, who take that for granted, don't know how lucky you are and how it simplifies your life. Things are so much easier when you have a car. I drove a car for 22 years, so I remember. 

I'm going to take Tyke for a walk before it gets too late. See you in a while...

...so, I have gone to the gas station as well and got my supply of cigarettes and a chocolate bar. I couldn't resist it, not after having been out in the rain and wind. It was very stormy and wet on the bike, the walk with Tyke was a piece of cake compared to it. 

Now it is still a decent time in the evening and I'm all done doing things, except for hanging up a load of laundry. I'll do that tomorrow when I'll also change my bed. Oh, I can't wait to have clean sheets on the bed. What a joy! I know someone who only changes her sheets once every two weeks. I can't believe that. Maybe I'll even change the sheets tonight. That would make me excited about going to bed. I need all the excitement I can get. George Clooney is still not in there. 

Well, I think I will knit an end to this post, as we say here. I'm going to see what other kind of trouble I can get into. Oh yes, I'm going to change the bed...

Have a good evening!

Ciao,
Nora

Wasting time...

The greatest danger of a lazy afternoon behind the computer is that you will end up spending money and I just did. I ordered a pair of boots. I can't get the picture of them, although I tried because I wanted to share them with you. For some reason that didn't work out. They are from Esprit and I got them on sale and saved 50 euros on them. I thought that was pretty darn good and didn't want to waste the opportunity. They were calling my name and they were my size. I'm congratulating myself with my good fortune.

The coffeemaker has been delivered, but I haven't unpacked it yet because I first want to use up my Senseo coffee pads or as long as the Senseo machine allows me to do it. On Monday the Exfactor is going to be here and I will ask him to get the best ground coffee and the unbleached filters when he goes to the supermarket. I would like to get the same brand as the coffee pads I use now, but I don't know if they have that in regular ground coffee. It tastes good and is relatively inexpensive so it would be great if they did.

I'm going to change my bed in a little bit and do a load of laundry. I have some clothes I have to wash and they will go in with the sheets and pillow cases. I will look forward to a clean bed tonight. I always want to make sure that I have something good to look forward to, no matter how small the event is. Yesterday it was a chocolate bar that I had saved from my trip to the tobacco shop. It was a real treat. I do like chocolate so very much and allow myself to have some about once a month or so. I think having it more often would be dangerous.

I haven't been on the bathroom scale for a while, but I rely on the way my clothes fit me to know if I'm gaining or losing weight. I seem to be okay and I don't want to neurotically step on the scale all the time, although there were periods when I did that. I've broken myself of that habit. I don't worry about how much I weigh. I worry more about how my clothes fit me and about how I look. If I feel good about myself, I don't worry about anything at all.

It's been a warm day. Outside it is 27C and inside it is 25C. I have the back door open and I just opened the kitchen window to get a draft in here. It is very pleasant because I'm sitting right in it. There are some clouds blocking the sun every once in a while and tomorrow we are supposed to have thunder storms. On Monday it's going to be cooler and it's going to rain again.

Tyke is lying by my feet and is sound asleep. We've both had kind of a lazy day, caused by the warmth, no doubt. It isn't so hot that it is unpleasant, but it is humid so you don't want to do too much. Besides, it's weekend and we're not supposed to exert ourselves. Tyke has the right idea when he lies down on the cool linoleum.

I fell asleep on the sofa at noon, quite unexpectedly because it was not in the planning. I was confused when I woke up and tried to figure out what time of the day it was. I was discombobulated. I only slept for about an hour, but it was enough to make me think it was evening and that I should get ready to go to bed. I wouldn't have wanted to without the clean sheets. I was surprised when I saw what time it was and had to have a cup of coffee to clear my head. Then my sister called and I could hardly have a conversation, that's how muddled I was. Not how I am when I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm ready to tackle anything at all.

The good summer smells are coming in with the breeze through the open window. If you could bottle that smell and spray it in your living room in the wintertime, you would be a happy person. It smells like clean laundry. Very fresh and invigorating. It makes you want to be outdoors with a picnic and a bottle of wine in a meadow by a creek. There would have to be trees, of course, for the shade. And a tall, handsome stranger. Hey, I'm single. I can wish for tall, handsome strangers.

Okay, I'm going to change my bed and do a load of laundry. As if I have to stand there and churn the washing machine.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Languidly sitting in my chair.

I've got some sleeping left to do, but I'll do that later when I'm more in the mood for it. I woke up a while ago in my tiny bed, sleeping next to a certain person, and it was very warm and comfortable, but a little cramped. So I got up, ready to continue sleeping on the sofa, but I got waylaid by the computer and the Senseo machine and I thought I would just sit down in the quiet of the early morning and try to write a post, but I've got a problem.

How do you tell what an absolutely splendid and lovely time you're having without giving the other person's secrets away? Just speak for myself?

I'm having an absolutely splendid and lovely time and it is ever so much better and lovelier than the first time and so very much more intimate and affectionate. Speaking for myself, I can say this is love in all the best senses of the word. And I'm not worried, because I'm not hopelessly in love like a foolish teenager, but I love deeply like a grown up woman with all the knowledge I have of the object of my love to go with it. All the years that I've known him enter into it to make it a complete picture. And that's what makes it so enjoyable and satisfying. I feel there are no enigmas, no puzzles to solve. What I see, is what I get and it's familiar.

He brought me a beautiful bouquet of yellow roses and After Eight chocolate mints, which are my favorites and which I have been eating all night and this morning. I think they're all gone now. I happen to be very fond of yellow roses, so he guessed that right, but then he always brings me flowers and they are always pretty. You see, I'm not the least bit prejudiced concerning his tastes. I think they are fine. I even like the way he dresses and his aftershave and his body lotion. No, I'm not the least bit prejudiced.

Right, I'm supposed to talk about other things too now. I'll tell you that it's 3C outside and cloudy and that it's going to be cloudy all day, but we're not expecting any rain, according to my weather forecast on the computer. I have to go to the tobacco shop today and to the post office, I think that will be a good outing for Joost and me. We can walk there and get some fresh air. Last night, when we walked the dog, it was drizzling and there was a cold wind blowing and it was just miserable to be outside. I had half planned to take the bus downtown, but it really was not the night for it. Even with the overhead heating it would have been no fun to sit on a café terrace. We need a better night for that. So, we'll save that for the next time.

It's fun to make plans for what we will do the next time, beside the obvious things. It will be nice when the weather gets better and we can be outside more. That's another good reason to look forward to springtime, which I'm already doing now that we have the winter solstice behind us and it has been the shortest day already. It can only move upward from here. Of course, we have those dark and cold January and February months to get through, but they will go by in a snap and once those are behind us, the rest will be easy. I'm totally discounting March and April here, you see, as I think they are just preludes and parts of springtime. Always try to see the glass half full.

At least it's nice and warm in here. I've got my feet by the radiator and they are toasty warm. The dog is lying next to me, because that is where he belongs. That's what he thinks, anyway, and I agree with him.

We had Dutch pancakes for dinner last night. They are like crepes, only I had not made them myself this time. I promised to do so the next time and to make them with buttermilk, because those are the best. I was able to eat one pancake myself, which surprised me and it was very good, not as good as when I make them, but good enough. I have to find some real maple syrup, because the pancake syrup that they have here is too sweet to my liking. There's nothing like real maple syrup, after all.

My hair is very fashionably sticking up straight in all directions. Luckily, it looks like it's supposed to be that way. A little bit of wax will tame it and get it to go in the right direction. The right side sticks up funnier than the left, that's the side I sleep on, the right side, I mean. Sometimes you see people walk around with that "just slept on look" when they haven't quite combed their hair good enough and it has taken on the shape of their pillow. You can tell if they sleep on their back or on their side. They look good from the front, but when you walk around them, it's another matter. I'm sure I look this way myself sometimes. Yes, I notice things like that, don't you?

I feel like a well loved woman and I like the feeling very much. It makes me feel mellow and warm and very pleasant. I can recommend it to anybody. Let yourself be cuddled and treated well, it opens you up and makes you feel like a whole new woman. It ought to be a special treat for everybody, to be loved by their best friend. There's no better person in the world for it. I hope you're either married to that person, or that you have somebody in your life like it. But then again, maybe I am very lucky and this is a unique situation. Maybe it's because of who he is that it's possible. I'm sure that's a very large part of it.

Well, I could go on and on with all sorts of sentimental drivel, but I'm sure you're not waiting for that. I just took my medicines and I'll check my emails and read some blogs, which I think I'm a little behind in. I'll probably have to go back to sleep for a while. It doesn't matter. The day is my oyster. I'll take it as it comes.

Ciao,
Nora

Strong Coffee...

I fell asleep on the on the sofa at 4:30 pm and woke up two hours later having had a very nice nap. It didn't take much to fall sleep. All I had to do was lie down and close my eyes and I was gone. I remember having to share the pillow with Toby and when I woke up he was still there. It was a wonderful nap, very restorative and one that I absolutely needed, but then again, I need all my naps. There is never a nap that I take that is not a very much needed nap. I always feel that if I don't go lie down right then, I will topple over on the spot and fall on my head and get a concussion. Such is my great need to go lie down and forget everything else. That's why I didn't quite get my chores done today, almost, but not quite.

I did get the kitchen floor squeaky clean with the scrub sponge and some elbow grease and all that nasty evidence of food spillage by the animals is gone. I also mopped the hallway where my bicycle had dripped a huge amount of mud onto the linoleum from the dirty snow outside. I scrubbed the kitchen counter that never seems to get clean enough and always had various stains on it, because it is made of steel with a pattern in it and I dislike it very much. It's a pain to clean and must have been invented by a man who never cleaned kitchen counters. I'm sure of it. I took a break after each job, because my back is bothering me, but other than that there was no problem. It's just the same old spot that always bothers me, right in the middle of my back. It's my weak spot.

I've decided to feed the cats on the kitchen counter from now on, because they spill their kibbles so much and I'm always having to sweep up the spillage out from underneath the kitchen radiator and it is too much work. If I feed them on the counter it will be easier to clean up after them and the dog will not be tempted to eat their food, while he ignores his own kibbles. I don't know why it took me so long to think of this, but there you have it. They sit on the counter half of their lives anyway, so I may as well feed them there too.

For a treat I had a tall glass of fruit juice and peanut butter eaten straight from the jar with a little teaspoon. It was great. It is one of my favorite treats and I like it as much as eating chocolates. I can't eat too much of it, because I do get full quickly, but I savor it while it lasts. Now, I could eat many more chocolates than I could eat peanut butter, but I won't buy the chocolates, because I will eat one box in one sitting and make myself sick eating them. I adore chocolates with a creamy filling. I like real bonbons the best. Chocolates melt in your stomach really well, so I can eat a lot of them without getting full too fast.

Now I'm having my last cup of coffee. I didn't realize what time it was. I'm staying up past my bedtime, but that's okay, I don't have to be at my sister's house until 11 am tomorrow. If I'm smart, I'll sleep late so I won't feel like I have to take a nap while I'm there. That would be highly embarrassing. Imagine having to fall asleep while you're visiting someone. "Excuse me, but I have to go home now to sleep, or let me lie down on your nice sofa here." I can see my sister's face now.

I got another mooched book in the mail today. So far, I've mooched 70 books and I'm waiting for 10 more. I've given away 27 books and just sent 10 and have to send 14 more. So, I'm not doing too badly. I'm starting to run out of room on my bookcase and will have to do a bunch of rearranging. I'm trying to keep all the unread books together, but I may not be able to. They may disappear in the collection. That won't be such a horrible thing, as long as I don't forget about them.

You all know that I have my books arranged by color. That is, all but the mooched books. They are separate. There's a huge temptation to add them to the color arranged books, but I'm afraid of losing track of them and forgetting what I already have. I suppose I could make a list of books that I've mooched. That would be one solution. Actually, that is not such a bad idea, now that I think of it. It would solve that problem quickly, because now I always have to get up and walk to the bookcase and check. Mmm... this sheds a whole new light on my arrangement of the books. I will have to think about that. This may be a little Eureka moment. Watch me rearrange my books now at this hour of the night when I'm at my most brilliant.

It's 2C outside so it is definitely not freezing anymore and tomorrow it's going to be 5C and raining. That's not the weather that was forecast some time ago when they were talking about a white Christmas, but maybe that is for the best, because otherwise there would be traffic jambs. Now, when it is 5C outside, it feels positively warm. There are still icy patches of snow in the places where the sun never shines, but most of it is gone, thank goodness, because it was making a mess.

Alright, I'm wishing you all a merry Christmas and lots of good cheer and lots of good food to eat in good company. Even if that means just the two or one of you with your animal(s).

I've got a job to do!

Ciao,
Nora

A nice cup of tea.

I'm having myself a nice cup of tea. Gold Tea from the triangular bag, and a few spoons of sugar in it. I was just outside with the dog and a cup of hot tea sounded like just the thing to heat up my cold body again. I need the sugar for my sluggish brain, of course. It must wake up and function properly after that nice nap I took late this afternoon. The tea is very good, but I need to make it hotter the next time so it will brew better. I will do that with the next cup.

Nothing exciting at all has happened today. The repairman came and I have heat and hot water again and that is very nice, but it isn't very exciting. I've let the day slip away from me. I filed my income taxes for 2008 on line and it was only a little bit complicated, and I checked my bank account balance to see that I was almost broke. That was not a nice surprise, but saved me the embarrassment of standing by the cash register in the grocery store with not enough money to pay for the groceries. A loan from my sister provided the solution and I will go shopping tomorrow.

I will have to cut down on the amount of books I send each month through Bookmooch, although right now I am in popular demand and stagger my books over monthly shipments as much as possible. So far I've given 21 books and I have to send 22, but I have to make different arrangements for some of them. I have mooched 46 books and am expecting 21 more. I am working on the 4th cubbyhole in my bookcase and they fill up rapidly. I didn't think that I would get so hooked on mooching books, but I am and I get real greedy when I see books that are on my wish list that are available. The only way to get books, is by giving books, although you always get more than you give. I just got the shipment ready for November and will send those off on the 22nd.

Mmm...that second cup of tea is just perfect. I let the water get hotter and let the teabag steep in it for a long time.I forgot how nice a cup of tea can be, especially in the evening. It warms you up and is so soothing. I also have rooibos tea and I will have that next. Actually, what I need now is a nice chocolate bar, but I'm unwilling to go to the store to buy it. I won't sacrifice that much for it. Going out in the cold and dark on my bike, I don't think so.

In order to free a cubbyhole in my bookcase, I have to straighten out some of my administration. I have miscellaneous papers laying there that either need to be filed or tossed out. So that's a little job that I will do this evening or tomorrow. They are the kind of papers I'm not sure of what to do with and I don't know if they need to be saved or what. Just to be on the safe side, I will save most of them, I think. I may come to regret it if I toss them out. I will get the old punch hole out and file them in a two ring folder.

If I'm smart, I'll wash my hair first before I do that, because it's kind of unruly right now and I don't want unruly hair. It's got too much hairspray in it, that's why. It's got kinks in it from me lying on it. I'll also put my pajamas on, so I'll be all ready for bed when the time comes. Then all I need to do is jump in the shower real quick in the morning before I go to creative therapy. Well, I better not jump. I may slip and break my neck.

I thought I was out of dog food and was ready to cook rice and bouillon for the dog, but then I found a can of dog food and he got lucky. I had the dried kind, but he pretends he doesn't eat that. I have a whole bag full of the stuff and Jesker refuses to eat it even though it's supposed to be good for him. He is a spoiled dog.

I'm awfully hungry myself and must scrounge around the kitchen for something edible. I'm sure I'll come up with something. I've been known to eat jars of jam. Maybe there is some chocolate powder left to make hot chocolate with. That sounds like a good idea.

Well, adios my friends, I'm off to wash my hair and to sort my paperwork. Have a good night or a good rest of the day. I'm hoping for a nice long night of sleep.

Ciao,
Nora

The day of days.

I woke up very clearheaded and sure of myself this morning. My decision was made and I was sticking to it. That was until I started answering some comments that I had gotten to my previous posts and I wonder at the wiseness of discussing my life on line into the minutest detail, because, of course, I get all sorts of advice and that causes me to doubt my own mind and my own decisions. I again feel the insecurity creep in and again feel my nerves stretch taut and I want to reach for my medication and take an extra pill to make it all more bearable. Which I end up doing.

Because I had gotten up early, and because the worrying made me so tired, I went back to bed for a while and woke up at 9 am. I got dressed in a hurry and walked the dog and made cigarettes. Then I hopped on my bike to go to creative therapy where I arrived a bit late, but where everyone was hapy to see me nevertheless. The therapist had been informed about my dilemma and was up to date and very supportive. She talked to me about what I wanted to do and I said that I wanted to cancel my enrollment in the new classes. So we talked about that for a while and she wanted to make sure that I wasn't making a mistake and then she decided that she would go with me when I went to see the head therapist when I told her this.

The rest of the morning I worked on my painting that is going very slowly, but I was having a hard time keeping my mind on it. We women chatted about other things and everything under the sun. There were no men in the class, which loosens us up to talk about women's issues more. Having a chocolate bar in the house and not being able to just eat one piece of it, but having one square of it one after the other until it is all gone. Can you imagine a man discussing this? Or what kind of chocolate is best to eat with what kind of filling. And I say pure chocolate bonbons with a creamy filling, but we were divided on that, though we all agreed that pure chocolate was the healthiest to eat.

We drank tea and I had green tea with two sugars in it and it was delicious, although one sugar would have sufficed. I must remember that for the next time. The therapist had a Toblerone chocolate bar and we ate that and some of us had more than our share of it. It had nuts in it and it was good.

At the end of the session the therapist and I went in search of the head therapist who was all ready to go with me to the new class, but I told her that I wasn't going at all and that I would cancel my enrollment in all the classes. She disagreed with me doing it, but said that the final decision laid with me and that only I could make up my mind about it. She said I acted out of fear and I said I acted out of instinct and she said that she hoped I was right. She also said not to burn my bridges behind me and to leave a possibility to re-enter the program if I needed to. I said I would, but I doubt it.

Then I went to the office downstairs and withdrew officially from the classes, although there was only a secretary who took my message and I'm sure somebody will call me about it. It would surprise me if they didn't.

In the meantime, I have found some Temazepam that are not as strong as the ones I have been taking, but I only have a few of them and took one this afternoon. I still feel the need to settle my nerves, as I'm not back to normal yet. I will be forced to call my psychiatrist to ask him for some to have to take as needed and I don't know if he's going to be happy about that. I will call my SPN and ask her about it. Maybe she can run interference for me. That's what she's there for, after all. Not that my psychiatrist is the boogie man.

I had washed my hair this morning and with much stunt work got it to stay in the right place so it looked like a decent hairdo, but then I got rained on when I went to creative therapy and then someone said, "Oh, your hair looks so nice." I thought, "You've got to be kidding." I looked in the mirror and saw a women with rained on hair, it wasn't especially attractive. I wore no make up, because I hadn't had the time to apply any and it didn't seem to matter, which makes me think I will go for that fresh scrubbed look, or maybe just apply some mascara and not bother with the rest. Since I wear glasses, nobody seems to notice any change in my appearance anyway. Well, except that I wore my cardigan inside out, somebody did notice that, but that was easily solved.

Somebody needs to come and clean my apartment. I seem to be unable to handle it myself. I am snowed under. A day of hard work will set it right, but I don't have it in me. I need help. It's something I need to discuss with my SPN.

I've got to eat now and take a nap. I feel sleep coming on. I'll read little in my book and doze off.

Have a good day you all.

Ciao,
Nora

For four hours...

I slept on the sofa for four hours tonight. This was after I walked the dog and put out the trash and decided that I was so tired that I could not do another thing, despite my intentions to shower and wash my hair and do some ironing. I was too pooped to do any of those things and like a broken woman put on some leggings and a tank top and laid down on the sofa and went to sleep. Everything else would have to wait.

For some strange reason, I woke up at 11 pm, when I easily could have kept right on sleeping and I got up to take my medicines and make a cup of decaf and some more cigarettes. I checked my emails and answered those and not feeling sufficiently tired yet, I decided to start writing this post, which I may have too abandon if my sleeping pill starts to work. We'll see where the ship strands.

I seriously felt like having something sweet to eat tonight, or maybe chocolate even, but I didn't have anything like it in the apartment and the stores were closed. I did have a jar of diet jam and I had a couple of spoons full of that, although I thought it tasted to sugary. It wasn't tart enough. Then I drank a big glass of juice hoping that would take care of my craving, but it didn't really, so I called my sister to find out if she had any cookies, but her boyfriend from Milan was there and I was too embarrassed to ask. So, I am basically left with a craving for chocolate chip cookies and I don't have any.

I did just find a piece of leftover Brie in the refrigerator and I ate that and that took care of my feeling of hunger. It wasn't the overripe cheese the Exfactor had bought and I'm sure glad I found it, because it turned out that I needed to eat. And here I thought I was just craving sweets. Well goodness, I'm starting to feel like a human being again.

If this is going to be a repeat of last night, I have less chores to do, I mean, I can't wash windows in the middle of the night, can I? I can do the ironing and clean up my closet, but there will be no sweeping and mopping the floors. I can hunt for cobwebs and wash woodwork and clean out the refrigerator, though. I just hope I have enough cleaning liquid left. I'll have to make it last. I'll use spit if I have to or ear wax to polish with. Ha, ha.

If I had my own little studio set up now, I could be producing masterworks! Collages avant lettres, sculptures that would blow your mind away, doodles that would dazzle you with their intricacies. Yes,I would produce it all, working during the night, inspired by the silence around me, by the solitude of the moonlight, maybe the sound of the gentle rain.

Okay, don't get carried away with yourself, stay grounded, a woman may have her head in the clouds, but she needs her feet firmly planted on the ground, even if it is a mountain. or a path in the garden of Eden.

I plan to be an artist, although in my own humble way I already am. It will do me good to create when the mood strikes me and to be able to walk away from it when it does not. To close the door on it and open it again when I an ready and to sit and ponder over the work, which I now don't get a chance to. To play with the different elements and to see how things can be combined and subtracted. How paints can be combined and pastels added to them and natural elements. How you catch the eye and keep it enthralled. So much and so much more. I feel I'm just at the beginning of a long journey with many stops along the way. Points of achievement that will be milestones.


Jesker has completely settled in for the night, but this afternoon he very urgently wanted to go out back and, of course, what was laying there on the doormat? A meatball! I wonder if Toby brings them as gifts to Jesker, because he does not eat them himself.

Toby and Gandhi are still on the kitchen counter all the time trying to get food out of pouches from me, but it is to no avail and they have to eat their very good kibbles, which they do too. I've stopped giving them milk, because they would drink a little bit and the rest would get sour and I had to throw it away. So now it's just plain water for them, which Toby likes to drink from the faucet.

Jesker is back to eating his normal portions of food, so he probably just had a stomach bug or something for a while.

I suppose I will keep you updated about my night, just like I did last night, it helps me get through the night also if I get to write these missives. They are my life lines while I'm here on my own.

Sleep tight you all, if it's that time for you.

Ciao...

Oh really?

I can't quite believe it, but I slept past 10:30 AM. I looked at my watch and couldn't make sense of it and got up and walked into the living room and looked at the clock there and then was amazed at what time it was. I don't think I've slept that long in the memory of men as far as I know. At least not since I have been a grown up. And the Überhund slept right along with me. We're both getting a day older, as the saying goes.

Well, good for me, that's all I can say. I am getting good at this sleeping business and am becoming like a regular person now, with regular sleeping habits, although this sleeping late is creating havoc with my schedule, because I do want to sit and have my mugs of coffee and my cigarettes and hang out behind the computer for a while before I really get started. Ah, never mind, I will just do everything several hours later.

It's going to be a rainy day today, which is too bad, considering it is Saturday, but I'll find a way to amuse myself anyway. I always do, somehow. The day is usually too short anyway to do all the things I want to do and I have to be careful that I don't do any activities late in the evening.

Sometimes I go to Facebook before I go to bed and then I get stuck there for a while. I do amuse myself there nowadays, since I have become more selective about what I react to and who I pick to befriend. I usually go for the artist type people and admire their work and get inspired by them. Not making the claim that I am equally good, of course, but I do so love to be surprised by what people make and how they use their materials and how they are inspired. Just what they come up with.

The Überhund has had his breakfast, but so far he is letting me sit here for a while longer. He had eaten all the cat food during the night and the poor cats were begging for food this morning. There was not a crumb left. Sometimes he does that, I call it 'protest eating.' It's when he really wants more food, but is too stubborn to ask for it. He helps himself to whatever is around. It is kind of convenient, isn't it? Luckily, he is not clever enough to open the refrigerator.

Speaking of refrigerators, I bought creamy chocolate milk, which means it is made with whole milk instead of low fat. It sure tastes good. I had a glass of it last night when I went to bed. It satisfies my sweet tooth and gives me something to look forward to. I mean, if there is nobody in your bed waiting for you, you do have to make it appealing for yourself, don't you? I'd rather have chocolate milk anyway. It's less complicated.

Okay, that was my little contribution for this morning. It's not much, but it will have to do. I must get things going here now, because I'm seriously behind schedule now. It's not funny anymore. The poor dog would cross his legs if he could.

Have a good day, all of you.

Ciao...

Falling asleep with boredom.

Sometimes, you can be doing too much of a good thing and I have been sitting here for quite some time now reading nothing but comments to other people's posts and, frankly, it was making me fall asleep. My eyelids were slowly sliding shut and my head was starting to topple over, so I said to myself, "Enough of that, Miss Goody Two Shoes, they can all wait for another day when you won't be falling over from boredom."

Of course, you have no idea how many comments I was reading. There were a trillion of them! After a while it's like reading the phone book, about as thrilling as that. Now I need a big glass of juice to get some sugar in my system and after that a big mug of coffee. What I really crave is a Mars bar, but I don't happen to have one of those laying around.

Maybe I should have a candy bar dispenser installed in the kitchen. My tight skinny pants would get even tighter and skinnier. They are real hip huggers as they are. I could also have a mini refrigerator installed underneath the desk, filled with small bottles of white wine and soft creamy donut holes. Then I would want fresh popcorn in the bedroom with melted butter handy to drizzle on top. Oh, dream on, Irene...

...in the meantime, it is more than several hours later and I have been grocery shopping and I've had myself an unintentional little nap on the sofa. The little nap was quite funny, as I was eating yogurt and slowly started falling asleep and toppling over, all the while trying to keep the container of yogurt upright. The last thing I remember was the Überhund licking the yogurt out of the container and me having toppled over completely to the side on the armrest. Shows you how strong my desire for sleep was, because I like that yogurt.

I did get up early this morning, so no doubt I had to catch up on some sleep, but I don't like going comatose during the day and then waking up and being so disoriented, that I don't know which language I speak when the phone rings and I start calling things whatchamacallits and nobody knows what in the world I am talking about and they think I'm awfully strange. I finally give up and tell them that I don't know the words, which leaves us both baffled, but in the end we manage to figure out something. Except for today, today I was put on hold and I hung up. They'll call back when I'm coherent.

It's a good thing that I'm not in charge of small children, because they would burn the house down while I was asleep.

I haven't worn jeans very much lately and my skinny jeans are making me feel very self conscious of my legs. I think for the most part they are good legs, but I'm not used to them being there. I feel like I ought to be able to wrap them around each other several times, but I am disappointed that I can't. The material of the jeans is very slippery and when I cross my legs, they just come undone again. It's much easier when you wear a skirt. Also, them being tight skinny jeans does something to my insides and I think I'm being rearranged there. I'm completely out of breath. They're hugging my hips rather tightly, as in a vise grip. Maybe it is not such a good idea to wear them, at least not today. I think I'll go put on a skirt. Hang on...

...oh, that's ever so much better, I don't believe the size on that label. Some optimist put it on there. A man with huge rose tinted glasses. I'll have to check the name of this brand of jeans and always buy them one size bigger. Or not by the skinny tight style anymore. There ought to be a law against making skinny tight jeans a size smaller that it says on the label! I do declare...humbug.

My lovely little doggy thinks he can tell time and you know what? He is right, it is time to go out for a walk. I'll just finish my cigarette and my coffee and then we'll be off. I'm sure he is tired of me saying, "Wait a bit," because I say it so often, but he's learned to be patient. He knows I won't budge until I'm ready and he is so resigned, poor dog.

I suppose I'm ready now to read the rest of those comments and do a little blog reading too. After we go for our walk!

Mwah!

Internet.

I just signed up with a new Internet provider who is also going to provide me with telephone and TV service and I should save about 20 Euros a month. The good part is that I'll be getting one bill a month instead of two like I am getting now, covering different periods of time, making the whole thing less clear, which was not the deal when we signed up initially. It was supposed to be a one package deal for a much cheaper price, so I made sure that that really was the deal I was getting this time. It seems legitimate, so I'll have to put my faith in it. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please. Every penny counts. I'll have more left over to shop with, ha, ha.

I was only slightly bothered at ergo therapy this morning. Our regular therapist was ill, so we had a stand in, who was equally good and up to date on what is happening in the group. I got to do my song and dance act about having to swallow my bitter pill in order to reach my heavenly heights and that was appreciated by all. At least two people were very relieved that I was not leaving. I have no idea how the rest feels about it. I don't think they care much one way or the other, not knowing me very well yet. Two people didn't show up and one person was late and that is not appreciated very much and I am sure there is going to be an aftermath about this. Showing up and being on time is part of your responsibility.

We had an exercise to do. We had to partner up with different people and with paint claim our appointed space on a large sheet of paper and then lay claim to the shared space. I solved this by drawing a line straight across the shared space and filling everything beneath it up with paint. Other people did it by drawing pretty pictures of birds and flowers and bunny rabbits and fish, but I painted everything brown. I just wanted to lay claim to my space and my share of the shared space and not give anyone room to enter into mine. I thought brown was an ugly enough color to make that point clear to everybody. I was not in the mood to be kind and careful and considerate and giving by painting fragile and cheerful scenes.

I suppose that could be considered anti social, but it did give the other people all the room to work on their half unhindered by me, because I would not invade them.

Sometimes life's a bitch.

This happened right after the coffee break during which someone asked me why I never talked about my parents and I told her in plain language why I never did and she was very upset about it. I suppose subconsciously, I was upset about it too, although I did not give it a thought once I was done talking about it.

The Exfactor did not come by to do his laundry. He just came by to check on me and to make sure I was alright, so I could assure him that I was and I think it is all getting to be a little bit too much for him, because he had a deja vu moment during which he imagined that we already had the conversation we were having several days earlier. So, I think I need to manage better on my own. The Exfactor is not as stress resistant as we think he is.

I need to be careful who I share myself with. I don't want to overwhelm people with me. The sheer entity of who I am with all the extremes that come with it. You can't just say to a person that you were almost psychotic the other day. That's scary! Unless you are a fellow patient with a similar disability and you know the experience.

Bah humbug!

My greatest friend is the Überhund who loves me no matter what sort of a crazy mood I am in. He is always patient with me. He thinks I am just great.

Tomorrow is grocery shopping day again. It seems that it has been more than six days since I've done that last, but I can't be sure. I don't need that many things. Milk and yogurt and juice. And a treat. Yesterday, I went to the tobacco shop and I also got a Côte d'Or Chocolate bar with truffles. It was so delicious. Chocolate always puts me in a good mood. That's silly, drinking a glass of juice also puts me in a good mood, chocolate is just more decadent. Chocolate is one of those foods that should be very healthy for you to eat, like strawberries.

Last week the Exfactor brought me the last strawberries from the Paramount's garden. They weren't sweet and juicy, but crunchy like apples. Still, they tasted good and I ate them all. It was like forbidden fruit. I don't think the Paramount knew I was eating her last strawberries.

I left the house this morning without having combed my hair. When I got to my destination, I went into the ladies room and fashioned it into something halfway decent with a little bit of water. Still, I felt like carrying a sign that said, "This is not my real hair!" Or one that said, "I am much better looking in real life." Maybe people should always wear signs explaining some bit of themselves on any given day. "Excuse me, I am grumpy today. It's nothing personal."

Now I must go read some blogs or I will be banished from blogland forever.

Mwah!

Do it now!

I find that I have to write my post now, because while I'm reading everybody else's post on my google reader, I find myself slowly drifting off to sleep. That is not because you are all so boring, but because I got up at 6 AM this morning, because the Überhund was barfing and I was not nearly done sleeping. I was bleary eyed and incoherent while I tried to make sense of the situation and figured he had eaten something bad off the streets again, that dummy. Of course, then I stubbornly stayed up, because I wanted my mug of coffee and my cigarettes, even though I should have slept some more. That is something I will have to remember for the next time when I wake up under less than pleasant circumstances. Just to pull my head under the duvet and let the Überhund barf on his own. He manages just fine without me. It was just a lot of retching with little result.

So, I am sitting here for a while, instead of going to the tobacco store where I need to get some tobacco and filter tubes and a chocolate candy bar, but not a Mars bar. Probably a Bros. Light and airy. The Exfactor came by at noontime to wash his laundry and will be by later to pick it up and I need to run my errand before that time, otherwise he can't get in. I am not in love with him anymore, but just love him now as a human being and the way I love other people in my life and I told him so. I don't know what that does to his male ego, but there you have it.

My mood changes are a thing of the past. I sure got rid of them quickly by handling them adequately and appropriately. I find it is much easier to deal with these kinds of things on my own, because you don't have to dramatize your behavior to get your point across to the other person and the other person doesn't desperately have to come up with all the wrong solutions and that gives you a chance to come up with the right solutions yourself. It is much simpler and easier and you get done quicker.

My SPN says that the rapid mood changes belong to the borderline personality disorder and it is something we need to look into deeper, because I handle sinking into a hole well, but I don't manage the hypomanic stage well. I have a tendency to let the pleasure of it just wash over me, darn the consequences, and that is not good, of course. Whatever triggers the mood changes, and we may never know, I must resist acting upon them and find a better way to react to them and not impulsively give myself over to them as if I have no free will, but I say I am like an alcoholic looking for a drink when I get that way.

So, we've got our work cut out for us and will be tackling this very seriously before I land in the poorhouse. She's coming over here for a home visit next week and that will motivate me to clean the apartment a bit. Only a bit, I don't want to overdo it and give the wrong impression, ha ha. She mustn't get the idea that I have all my shit together all the time when in fact I don't, but just sort of muddle along competently.

The animals will be all over her and since she wears black a lot, she will be covered in hair in no time and I'll have to vacuum her before she leaves.

I am going to be taking the 20 mg temazepam permanently or for as long as I need it to help me sleep well, because it does make a difference. I have been sleeping on the sofa. For some reason my bed seems like a not attractive place to sleep right now. It is too cold and uncozy in there. I like to sleep on the sofa, because it makes me feel as if I am right in the middle of everything and the Überhund sleeps right beside me and the cats on top of me.

Right, now I'm going to the tobacco store. I'll be back in a jiffy.

Been there, done that, ate my chocolate bar, was delicious. The Überhund watched me eat it and didn't get a bit of it, instead he got his own snack. I don't know if he ate it with as much relish, but he ate it.

Now I've completely lost my train of thought and don't know what to tell you next, except that the lady in the tobacco store now knows what I want when I come in without me telling her. She reaches for the item before I say what I want. Pretty good, huh? Support your local small retailer.

Actually, I don't know why I eat chocolate bars. They taste great while I eat them, but I always feel a little sick afterwards. I wonder why I don't put two and two together and come up with four. It must be my highly disconnected mind which allows me to go through unpleasant experiences without wondering why I am. What the cause may be. It's all suppressed.

Tomorrow I am having that wonderful ergo therapy again. Why am I being scathing about it? A new woman joined and whenever anyone says they are having a problem with something, she pipes up and declares how she never does because of how she handles it. I'll toss a shoe to her head if she keeps doing it. We'll have a rumble.

Well, I suppose that's it for me then. I am wide awake again and in need of a very large mug of hot coffee, albeit decaf. I just need it to wash the chocolaty flavor away and wash it out of my little stomach. Have a good rest of the day wherever you are.

Ciao...