Internal combustion...

There really is a difference between taling my sleeping pills and not taking them. Without them I am less likely to inhabit higher spheres in the middle of the night. I also have less of a fantasy and I notice that when I try to write a blog post. I wax less poerically when I'm not under the influence of a barbiturate. In other words, I don't think I write as well when I am stone cold sober. 

That does mean I won't write a long, drawn out, epic blog post that is about nothing at all. I won't write just for the sake of writing, although there will always be some of that. I do enjoy my writer's role and do believe in the power of the word. But I do want to have something of significance to say. The words can't just be a means to fill the page. 

I can get a bit philosophical here and talk about the purpose of blog posts at all, but all I will tell you is that in my case they serve the purpose of alowing me to air my thoughts. In the process of airing my thoughts, things become clearer to me because it's like speaking out loud or having a conversation in which you get answers. I look at myself think and put things in order. 

It's better than having a talk with my therapist because she only causes confusion with her analysis. I resist her attempts at making me a patient and more than anything want to be an ordinary human being with all the facets that are attached to that. I do insist on that and refuse to be anything else.

Now I've got to finish sleeping. To dream, per chance. I know I will do that, there's no doubt about it. They will be the most fantastic and out of the ordinary dreams. 

Ciao,
Irene

Brain spotting...

Much to my surprise, it is the weekend again and it really did sneak up on me today. It was hard to imagine that it was already Friday again because it seemed not very long ago since it was. I swear that the older I get, the quicker the days pass by. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I think I mind as a matter of fact because I find myself racing towards old age. I'm definetly not ready for that, but then again I doubt if anyone ever is. I'm sure we're all stuck in our 30's and more than willing to stay there. I would like to be perpetually 39 years old. That's when my whole life changed and it wasn't for the better. 

Last night was the first night that I slept without a sleeping pill and I slept as well without it as I did with it. I don't miss it one bit, but I think that is because I had gotten down to such a low dose. I have no signs of withdrawal anyway. I'm sure I'll be fine and as a matter of fact, I felt more lucid this morning when I got up. It didn't take as long to react to the caffeine of my cups of coffee and I was ready to function much quicker. 

I hope to feel better overall now that I'm both off the tranquilizers and the sleeping pills. I had been on them for many years and thought I would never be able to quit them. I never asked to be put on them. I got them in large doses the first time I was in the psychiatric hospital and haven't been without them until recently. They give them to you to keep you manageable and sedated and I think everybody is put on them. The problem is that after two weeks of use you're hooked on them.

The dog is sitting here beside me looking very expectantly. I think he wants to go for a walk. The weather has been nice all day, although it has been very blustery. The sun has been shining most of the day, but now there are many gray clouds moving in. I think we are going to have some rain so I will have to go for that walk pretty quickly.

I hope you're all having a good Friday.

Ciao,
Irene

Holding my horses...

It's been impossible to write a post before this time, but don't ask me what I have been doing instead because I won't be able to answer you. I don't have much to show for my time, except that I can say that I have not wasted it and have been keeping myself occupied. I have been steadily working on my list of things to do and I've had appointments each day lately so I managed to stay out of trouble for he most part. 

The list of things to do is turning out to be a little tougher than I thought it was going to be. The items on there are not checked off that quickly because each time I'm running into a complication so things take twice as long. It's teaching me to be patient and take a long term view, but I think I already knew how to do that and really didn't need the lesson.

Having learned relaxation exercises does help me cut down on any stress I might feel because of this, so I'm not too aggrevated and manage to keep my head cool. I know everything will be resolved in the end. The end will just come a little later. I don't wish to feel stressed all day long and do take times out. There's a time to care and a time to relax. You can't have your bow pulled tight all the time, but I think that's a Dutch saying. 

I'm sitting here now with my second cup of coffee instead of taking a nap. I thought it might be a good idea to have the caffeine and to last until tonight until I go to sleep. I'm thinking about stopping the sleeping pill. I've only got one left and it is of a very low dose. I will not get more and try to do without as of tomorrow. That does mean that I have to start doing without my afternoon nap. I've got to get off the sleeping pills sooner or later. 

It's been raining on and off since Sunday. Sometimes huge showers let enormous amounts of rain fall from the sky. Luckily, I haven't been caught in one of these yet. The dog and I have only gotten a little wet during our walks. It was impossible to see Venus transit in front of the sun. There were too many clouds. 

I hope you are all having a good day.

Ciao,
Irene

Early on a Tuesday morning...

I am all out of tranquilizers so I didn't take one last night before I went to sleep. As a result, I didn't sleep as much as I usually do. I was a little bit off balance this morning when I got up but a cup of coffee soon fixed that. I was up very early but I can always take a nap later in the day if I feel like it. Today is not going to be a busy day at all so there will be lots of opportunity for it.

That one tranquilizer at night was the only one I took anymore. I knew I was running out and purposely didn't get a refill. I wanted to get off them because I realized I was under the influence of them when I got up in the middle of the night and sat behind the computer. I do want my mind to be as clear as it can be at all times and that was not the case. I was always a little bit high when I wrote my blog posts. 

I also take a sleeping pill. It's more a "fall asleep" pill and is only supposed to work for a few hours. I take the lowest dose but I'm sure I'm hooked on it too and it would be nice if I got off that one also. I must try that in the near future, although my psychiatrist said once that it is not a high priority. I will first see how well I do without the tranquilizers and then see about that sleeping pill. There's no rush, of course. 

Maybe I will be like a newborn woman and get lots of energy without the tranquilizer. It is nice to fantasize about. It would be great to have a little more get up and go. Sometimes I feel lazy but I wonder if I'm just not drugged. Time will tell. 

The dog is still asleep on the sofa. He won't be ready to start the day for a while. It's much too early for him. I'm ready to get the day started but I wouldn't know what to do with it right away. I have nothing pressing on my agenda. That's the problem. I don't have a busy enough schedule when I feel good. My schedule is fine when things don't go so well amd I need lots of time and energy to take care of myself. But now? 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,
Irene

Once more into the jungle...

I am deeply involved with a close family member's psychological problems and, although it is something I can not blog about freely, I do want to bring it to your attention because it's something that weighs heavily on my mind. It is a responsibilty that I don't take lightly and I realize how much depends on how well I deal with my involvement with this. I am called upon to be very wise and sensible and to think before I act and say anything lest I say the wrong thing or make the wrong move.

I wanted to paint this picture for you because I didn't want you to think that I just merrily skipped through life without a worry on my mind as I give the impression to. I have a tendency sometimes to be on the shallow side and not get into everything too deeply because of a sense of decorum. I can't give away too many secrets. Especially not when I blog about other people, but there is a lot more going on beneath the surface than I let on. 

I am able to help someone else because of my own experiences. I have had many hard lessons in life and learned a lot from them and no doubt still will. I can apply what I have learned and discovered to someone who hasn't quite gotten there yet but who is exploring desperately. I won't overstep my boundaries and think that I will take the place of a professional, that is not my intention. I will merely be a helper in that process and and another person making it more insightful. I do realize the importance of my role. 

I am sitting here getting mightily chilled because of the cold milk I am drinking. I have had my cups of coffee and I am more than lucid. 

I am in the process of learning to sleep at night without my sleep medication. I am doing pretty good so far. I do still get up for a few hours, but all in all I manage to get enough sleep. At least as much as I did when I was still taking it so it makes no difference. I don't sit here any longer in the middle of the night getting that high that I used to get and I am glad about that. It was an artificial high and I didn't really enjoy it. I much rather feel like myself.

It is really the dog who I need to train that I have to sleep through the night. He does insist on waking me up halfway through. Sometimes I manage to settle him down and sleep for another hour, but he usually manages to make enough of a pest of himself to get me up. I guess it is a habit that is going to die hard. I am going to have to apply some psychology to him. 

Have a good evening you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Testing the midnight waters...

I am very contentedly sitting here with a cup of coffee. I've just unfriended some 'friends' on facebook and I feel unburdened for having done so because it's always better to get rid of some than it is to add some. I had added a lot of 'friends' one night when I couldn't sleep and I was bored and I wanted some more excitement in my life. I decided to look for potentially interesting people, but after keeping track of them for several days, some of them turned out to be a little strange or only in the business of self promotion. 

They were not the kind of people I wanted to spend precious tme on and I unburdened myself of them. I will look for more interesting 'friends' with a little bit more discrimination. Some of them are turning out to be real interesting and I may hang on to them. There are some nuggets of wisdom being spouted here and there. I do pick things up. As long as I get to pick and choose, there is no problem. I'm still in charge of that. I am not a mindless follower. 

In the morning my daughter is coming back from her trip to Italy and I will have a few precious days left to spend with her. I have just gotten used to her not being here in my immediate presence.. I've adjusted to my life on my own again. I will have to make room in my heart for her again and make a big space to fit her into for the few days that remain. I have to emotionally prepare myself for that. I'm worried about the quality of the time that we will have and don't expect too much of it and then whatever is there will be okay. 

I am more than ever determined to be an emotionally self sufficient human being in the new year and it is one of my New Year's resolutions. I think one's happiness and completeness should never depend on other people because you will most likely be disappointed.

I've already been on this journey of emotional self sufficiency for some time. I've started to look at myself as my own best company. although I am aware that I need the interaction with other people sometimes. I don't need a huge amount of it, but a little more than I get now. I'm working on that. 

In the end though, it's yourself that you need to be able to live with and you shouldn't try to escape from that person. You have to be able to be a comfort to yourself. The only other consistents in my life are my animals. They are pretty predictable in their behavior. I know what strokes to expect from them. 

With my psychiatrist's approval, I've started to reduce my sleep medication. I'm now on half the dose I used to take. They never did help me sleep anyway. I was just hooked on them and they made me high in the middle of the night. I didn't enjoy that feeling and wanted to get off them. Next week I will go wihout them completely. It doesn't bother me to have to do with less and I feel more sober minded. It will be good to be off the barbiturates completely. I will have no more mind altering drugs. 

I will be off to bed now. I will have enough to do in the morning before I see my daughter again. I do want to have the time to sit and have a cup of coffee in peace and quiet before I have to get showered and dressed and walk the dog. There will be moments of reflection and preparation. But first I will have a good long sleep. 

Ciao,

Nora

Can't make up my mind...

I was already in bed but found it impossible to go to sleep. I got up again and now I'm drinking coffee because I didn't know what else to do. It's such a ritual that I automatically made a pot. I normally sleep first though, but I don't mind, every new experience is one to be savored.

It's not quite coherently that I sit here. I'm under the influence of my sleeping pill and I'm waiting for the effect of it to wear off. I don't quite like the way it's making me feel. I'm hoping the coffee will do the trick, but it's making me burp something awful. The sound effects are out of this world.

Sooner or later I'll end up going to bed. I will get tired enough in the end and get the sleep I need. I've already set the alarm clock for 7 am. That's when I'm planning on being up again. I have some things to do and the day is going to start early. I'm getting up an hour earlier so I can drink my coffee contemplatively. 

I lightly decorated myself with make up today and was pleased with the effect. I didn't overdo it, so it was not too much of a shock to my system after having had a bare face all this time. The most fun was trying out the lipsticks to see which one would last the longest. I kept having to reapply them after having had something to drink.

Luckily, I still had a face wash to remove the make up with when I got ready to go to bed. I used that with a warm wet washcloth. I applied a night creme afterwards and now have a soft skin. I'm actually starting to care again and making a fuss over myself. They're good deeds I do for myself. My skin deserves it. Wearing make up makes me pay more attention to my face and its care.

It's good to be a woman and indulge in taking care of yourself and paying attention to the little things. They are all small ways to pamper yourself and give yourself the tokens of affection that you need. They are things that nobody else is going to do for you. They're little rituals that you perform for yourself and can be very nurturing and restful. If you end up looking especially nice, then that's a bonus. It's icing on the cake. 

I'm already making my resolution for the next year and that is that I'm going to take good care of my appearance and I don't mean my clothes because those are alright. My whole self image is going to change and improve and that includes my hair and the perfume I will wear. I'm going to give myself an overhaul and it will be a long term project. I will give myself a whole year to achieve it. I do have the patience for that.

I will go to bed now. I do need to get some sleep before it's morning. I have sat here and dawdled quite a bit and I've gotten sidetracked a few times. I have to take good care of myself because if I don't, who else will? 

Ciao,

Nora

Switching to a more normal gear...

is what I'm going to attempt to do anyway. I was already in bed, but couldn't sleep, so I got up again and had something to eat. I think I was just plain hungry and now I'm digesting my food. The thing is that I'd already taken my sleeping pill, so I'm slightly drowsy. I've made some coffee to wake me up and I'm drinking the first cup now. I should be right as rain in no time, but I always say that, don't I? 

If anything, I'm predictable. I'm also yawning something awful, but I enjoy being in this state. Well, I think I do...

Life's been treating me okay, but I have nothing exciting to write about and that's why I haven't written any posts lately. I don't have anything exciting to report now either, but I'll try to put some coherent thoughts down. I'll need another cup of coffee to do that effort justice. I need more caffeine to shake the drowsiness. 

I'm getting a little more clearheaded already. I think between the nicotine and the caffeine, my mind is being forced into wakefulness. My addictions force me into action. I'm grateful to the effect of both of them, but not to the addictions themselves. I wish every day to be without them. 

I wish to be on a deserted island for a year and to become medicine and addiction free. I imagine that very often and realize that at first I would have a very tough time. It would be a time of madness that I would have to get through, but afterwards I would be the true me without chemicals. Maybe I should check into a rehab clinic.

That's so much wishful thinking. 

I like being clearheaded much better the way I am now after my second cup of coffee. I'm not drowsy anymore and I've stopped yawning. My head's on straight and my thoughts are coherent. I could definitely pass for a normal person.

I let the dog out back and stood in the cold night air by the back door. It was very refreshing to say the least. The almost full moon was shining and it was a bright night. I could see everything and I'm chilled all the way through. It's nice to be back inside because it's comfortable in here. But it's a good thing that I'm wearing my bathrobe and socks because I need them. I do so very easily feel cold. 

It's officially Friday, so it is one of my favorite days. I have to get up early in the morning because the Exfactor will be here to do some groceries for me first thing. He wants to get an early start. I'll have to set the alarm clock when I go back to bed. I will try to drink some coffee and get dressed before he gets here. It's always a good idea to be wide awake when receiving a visitor. Even when it is someone as familiar as the Exfactor who won't mind if I'm in a stupor. I'll mind.

I hope you'll all have a lovely day when you get up. 

Ciao,

Nora

Definitely early in the morning...

I've had my coffee, so I'm more than alert enough and quite capable of writing a post. That is, providing I can think of enough interesting things to write about. It is always a bit of a problem so early in the morning when nothing much has taken place yet. I have to rely on my imagination and my memory of the day before, but with the caffeine in me that shouldn't really be all that difficult. It does jar my braincells into action. I haven't had a cup of coffee yet that doesn't have that effect. I've had two of them and that ought to do the job.

I was sitting here in my pajamas, but now that I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk, I've had to put on my bathrobe. It really should have been washed in the last load of laundry, but I was loathe to miss it for any length of time. It smells a bit stale and musky and I'm going to have to wash it anyway. There's no way around it. I'll have to wear my gray woolen cardigan if I get cold while I wait for my bathrobe to dry. That's not too bad either and it will keep me almost as warm. 

Last night I failed to finish watching an episode of 'Lewis.' It was interesting, but halfway through I started yawning. I thought about staying up and finishing watching it, but I started longing for my bed. In the end. I put my pajamas on and took my sleeping pill and was sound asleep in the shortest amount of time. I think I put my head down on the pillow and was instantly asleep. 

I'll have to get off the sleeping pill. I'm going to have to slowly cut down. It's not that it really helps me sleep anyway. I do enough of that without it. I'll have to discuss this with my psychiatrist and do it under his guidance. It will be good to get off it because I don't know how much it influences my state of mind. It's supposed to be a pretty powerful pill and it's best to do without it. I don't want to take anything that alters my state of mind like that. That is a barbiturate. I should be able to do this, just like I did with the tranquilizers. 

I don't have anything special on the program today. I can actually be as lazy as I want to be, but I'm not really in the mood for that. I'm going to have to try and think of some things to do, besides sleep late when I go back to bed. Thursday is always my day off and I usually don't have anything planned on that day. I must try and get a busier schedule. I should find something to occupy myself with in the long term. I'll have to make a commitment to something.

I've got to take my medicines and go back to bed. I'm not nearly done sleeping. Another possibility is that I'll sit in my armchair and drink tea and read for a while. I will have to find another book because I'm so not taken with the one I'm reading. It's turning into a chore to. That can't be the purpose of a relaxing activity. I'll have to look on the bookcase and see what books are left unread. I'm sure there are many to choose from. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Symbols of freedom...

I woke up slowly out of my deep slumber this night and before I had even opened my eyes, I felt happiness and contentment throughout my body and mind. It was both a physical and emotional experience. I felt as if I was a little kid and had remembered that it was the day of my birthday. I hope you can all recall that feeling of anticipation. 

I have no special reason to feel that way. All I've done is quit taking my last tranquilizer last night. It's possible that this action is causing me to feel this way and I welcome it, but it may be all a figment of my own imagination and merely symbolize the liberation of another pill.

I do feel less drugged and completely not sedated even though I've still taken my fall asleep pill. I don't know how much it influences my state of mind. It stops working after a few hours, so I think it's out of my system now, but I can't be sure of that. I may be fooling myself if I claim that it is.

Not taking the tranquilizers is a huge step toward the liberation of my mind. I hadn't realized what a drugged state it had been in all this time. When my psychiatrist told me that getting off the barbiturates was the most important thing, he wasn't kidding, although I didn't pay much attention to his words at the time. I almost dismissed them.

***

Yesterday was a sunny but blustery day. It wasn't too cold, but I did wear my leather jacket and my cowboy boots. Those are a pleasure to wear and make me feel real tough. I feel like I can really go about my business when I wear them. 

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist and my SPN  and rode my bike over there. The wind was so strong that I almost got blown sideways a couple of times, but I managed to hold my course for the most part and ended up where I had to be. 

My hair got blown all over the place and that's why it's nice to have it cut short. Not much damage can be done to it and it mostly does end up in the style that you want it to be. It does remind me that I have to get it cut again soon. It does grow awfully fast. 

There were lots of clouds in the sky and it looked like the kind of sky that you see in the paintings of the Old Masters. The clouds were enormous, but somehow the sun managed to shine around them. 

When I returned home, I had the wind in my back and I rode my bike almost effortlessly. I never had an easier ride. I felt like I was in great shape, though in reality I am and I now have strong pedaling thighs. I don't tire easily, though I wouldn't want to have to ride my bike on a bike path on top of a dike into the wind. I couldn't manage that. 

Because I got up so early yesterday morning, I did end up taking a nap in the afternoon, but I figured it was good for me because I needed a little time out to put my brain to rest. Even if you spend lots of time being quite content, you need a little break to let it all sink in. 

The dog was more than ready for a little snooze and happily settled on the bed with me. I had put clean sheets on the bed, so it was wonderful to get into. 

I'm going to get back into that bed and sleep a while longer. It's not nearly dawn and I don't have to start the day yet. Mornings start later and evenings begin earlier. It is that season of the year. 

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting off the drugs...

I take two tranquilizers along with a sleeping pill before I go to sleep at night. I'm very determined to get off them as well as the sleeping pill because I think they influence my behavior during the night when I'm up and having my little blogging sessions. To say I'm under the influence is putting it mildly. 

Last night, I only took one tranquilizer with the sleeping pill and it doesn't seem to have hurt me any. I slept my regular few hours and was woken up by the dog. That was as normal as it gets. I do now feel less drugged and a little more clearheaded, but that could be in my imagination. Although, no doubt, less barbiturates means more alertness.

I'll try one week on one tranquilizer and then stop that one also. I usually manage to get off them easily as they seem to act as downers very often. After that I can start taking a lower dose sleeping pill. It's really a falling asleep pill, but I have the idea that the effects of it stay in my system for a while. I'll have to see first how I do without the tranquilizers. 

I don't want to feel high in the middle of the night when I read other blogs and comment on them and when I write my own blog posts. It's really not such a wonderful thing to be under the influence of drugs. It's much better to be sober and to be under the influence of your own unmanipulated thoughts.

Today is my birthday but I'm not making a big deal out of it. I've been telling people that I'm the age I'm turning today all year, so it feels very normal. I'm not struck down because I'm this age now. I'm still relatively young and not a pensioner yet and I've got a few good years left in me. I'll still wear my skinny jeans and my leggings and mini skirt. You can't keep a good woman down. 

I think the weather is such that I can start wearing my cowboy boots again. It definitely feels like fall outside. There is wind and rain and a general dreariness. The gales here aren't as bad as they are in the rest of the country because we are more protected here by the hills.

So, I will celebrate my birthday by putting on my tough broad boots and put my Keds away for the season. They have been very comfortable to wear this summer and suited me well. It never did get nice enough for sandals, I thought, unless you wore socks with them the way the Exfactor did like a real Northern European.

I will have to start thinking about getting a new winter coat because the one I have is too big on me. I hope I manage to find a sale on them. Now is a good time to start looking, I think. 

Lord only knows what sort of winter we'll have. I dread even thinking about it. Time is moving so quickly, though. The summer certainly went by fast when you consider that we didn't have much of one. I don't know what sort of harbinger that is for winter. I'll have to make sure that I enjoy autumn extra much.

It's time to go back to bed to get the rest of my sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Three dimensional...

I went to bed after watching the Norwegian thriller that was on last night, but I was unable to go to sleep. I laid in bed for a while staring at the ceiling, trying to get comfortable and in the right frame of mind to doze off, but I was unsuccessful. I felt every wrinkle and fold in the sheets. 

After an hour and a half I gave up and got up and put my bathrobe on and decided to stay up for a while and try to go to sleep again later. I think I have to be more tired than I am now. Apparently I'm not yawning enough and the sleep medication is not working. After I've had this coffee, I'll drink a glass of warm milk. 

I didn't realize that the thriller I was going to watch last night was Norwegian, it didn't say anything about it in the on line TV guide. I just noticed that the language was different than Swedish because I had a harder time understanding it. Somewhere along the line I found out it was taking place in Bergen on the west coast of Norway. 

It was a good thriller and it was still a recognizable language, but I really had to pay attention. I don't think I can learn more than one Scandinavian language at the time. I hope the next one is Swedish again like the one the night before was. Of course, a British one would be good too. There'd be no trouble understanding it. But thank goodness for subtitles. 

It's still in the middle of the night, but I count this as being Monday already. The weekend is over and I'm sorry about that. I could use another day off. I've got one more load of laundry to do, although I did one yesterday, though it's not dry yet. It's taking up space on the drying rack in the bathroom. 

I changed the bed, but that didn't help me fall asleep. I always look forward to going to sleep between clean sheets, but this time the trick didn't work. 

I think I have stress about tomorrow because I don't want it to be Monday. It's not my favorite day of the week. You could say that it's my least favorite day because I hardly have any privacy and the day seems so long. I do get a clean apartment, but that's the most that can be said about the day. 

I'm sure lots of people don't enjoy their Mondays. After all, it's the first day after the weekend and time to get back to work. It must be hard on everyone. I'd be curious to know how many grumpy people there are first thing Monday morning. Or are you all ready and roaring to go? 

I'm starting to yawn and that's a good sign. I'll be able to go to bed shortly. I just need to be tired enough to look forward to it. 

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Lanterfanting...

I had the best of intentions this morning. I wanted to take the dog for a long walk and get started on my chores. I figured that after a good night's sleep, I would be more than capable of doing such things that were after all quite simple. All they required were a little bit of goodwill and some energy. 

Well, it turns out that the latter is what I was short of once I had gotten dressed. Suddenly I felt pooped and not at all able to carry off my tasks. It seemed that I had lead in my legs and the thought of going for a long walk just defeated me. I didn't think I could pull it off. Apparently I didn't have the energy that I thought I had woken up with in the morning.

Nevertheless, I set off with the best of intentions, willing to give it a try, but after we had walked for a while and it was time to choose which direction to go in, I chose the direction that led home again. It was with much relief that I walked into the apartment. I fed the dog and fixed myself something to eat, hoping that it would restore my strength and take away the tired feeling and then I had a cup of coffee, hoping that it would keep me awake.

The last thing I want to do is go back to bed and mess up my schedule, but I do feel a touch wobbly and like I need more sleep. I'm fighting off the feeling now and telling myself that if I drink enough coffee, it will go away. All I have to do is try and stay as alert as possible. It's a bit like having jet lag and having to adjust to a new time zone. I will try and save up my need for sleep until tonight when I can sleep as long as I want. With the combination of the old and the new sleeping pills, I should be able to sleep well. 

I have to do my chores, but I don't quite feel up to them yet. I have to gather the  wherewithal to do them. I know what I have to do, but the lead isn't out of my arms and legs yet and I'm yawning something awful. I am determined to get them done and I hope that in doing them, I will wake up more and regain my energy. I have to do laundry, for one thing, and I hope that the smell of washing powder will revitalize me.  I'll inhale deeply over the box. 

*****

The Exfactor was just here for coffee and conversation and it has quite perked me up. It was like I stood under a waterfall of fresh water and I'm completely woken up. We talked about interesting things and had several cups of coffee and the dog was the cause of much diversion too. Isn't it funny how you can become enlivened by the presence of another person? I guess it has to be the right person. Someone who is perky enough themselves, which the Exfactor definitely is. He is a most talkative  guy and never short of subjects. 

The best part was that I got another package of clothes and I had sort of forgotten what I had ordered, being not quite in my right mind when I did. I had completely forgotten about that package arriving this afternoon. To my great surprise it also contained a cute little summery cardigan, which I decided to wear right away because the weather is perfect for it. I'm amazed by my own choice of it and should order these kinds of things more often in that kind of mood, although not being in my right mind is not a preferable state to be in. It does go with the many shades of color life comes in. It causes surprises. 

Now I'm more than ready to continue with the rest of the day. I can take the dog for another walk and do my chores. I feel quite up to it. I will even do the dreaded dishes, which I still think should be replaced with disposable ones. I don't think the ecologist in me will get away with it, though. Besides, I'd have too much trash. I do feel responsible for my share of the landfill. It's very difficult to be irresponsible nowadays. It must have been much easier to live in the 50's.

Have a good day!

Ciao,

Nora

Another terrific day...

No, I'm not being sarcastic when I say that, nor am I being hypo-manic. I just wanted to share my somewhat good mood as I sit here with my second cup of coffee. Of course, all moods are momentary and I have to take advantage of this one as long as it lasts because it may only be here for an hour. That's why I say now that it's a terrific day, while I should really say that it's a terrific moment.

I'm also very easily and quickly pleased. As long as nothing goes wrong, I'm happy. As long as I know that the day is going to be very uncomplicated, I'm thrilled about it. Since today is Sunday, there's nothing much that can go wrong and I expect no complications. It is a day of rest, after all. Better yet, nothing much is expected of me. I think that's the most important thing. 

Yesterday I had to go to the tobacco shop and I thought that was a complicated thing to do. Of course, yesterday was a complicated day for me anyway, what with the fact that I was trying not to go around the bend from all the sleepless nights I'd had. Riding my bike to the tobacco shop seemed like a very difficult thing to do and once I had finally done it, it was a major load off my mind. I bought myself a chocolate bar as a reward. No doubt that made me gain a pound.

It was a relief to take my old sleeping pills last night. I slept better and after I had been up in the middle of the night like I always am, I slept better in the morning too. The most important thing is, that I was not hypo-manic during the night and I avoided drinking a lot of coffee to create an artificial high. And, even though it was a super full moon, I was not a lunatic, although I would have expected it. Apparently not knowing that it was until this morning, made me not be influenced by it, although I have to say that I was a lunatic the night before this one. 

I've walked the dog and it is a fairly nice day out there. We have a hazy sun and pleasant temperatures. I'm waiting to see the buttercups in the grass. That will be a happy day.

Ciao,

Nora

The possibilities...

It's impossible not to jealously guard the time I'm spending here behind the computer very early in the morning due to the failure of my sleep medication. What looked like bad luck, is turning out to be a pleasant time spent fooling around with the appearance of the blog designs. I don't know if I'm done with them yet, but the first attempts are there. I don't know if I have the patience to endlessly sit and change them, but I do know that I will go back to them often and make alterations as I get in the mood. Whenever I have some spare time, I will do that. 

I'm still not tired and have to find ways to fill the empty hours until it's properly morning, although the time is passing by quickly. I suppose it's true that it always does when you're having fun. I'm easily amused. I really should have a whole bunch of blogs simply to have the opportunity to change their appearances. Just to mess around with them, because that's my favorite thing to do. It's like constantly changing the furniture in the living room around, which used to be my favorite activity. You just don't get as worn out changing the appearance of your blogs.

I already wrote another blog post for Miss Daisy and god only knows how many more I will write until it's morning. I'm on a roll now. I do have to keep myself occupied until the sun comes up and it's time to walk Tyke. It does get lighter earlier every day, so it won't take too long because we have not switched to Summer Time yet. I do look forward to setting the clock ahead one hour because it will be lighter longer in the evenings when you get to enjoy it most. I never did like setting the clocks back in wintertime and don't see why we have to. Whoever came up with that bright idea? I'm totally opposed to it. 

It's time to make a pot of coffee and to start the day to some extent. It's my attempt to make the time hurry up. I'm impatient to get the show on the road. I want to do things and be engaged. It will be wonderful to be out in the chilly morning air. It's still a bit cold out there and it's not going to be all that warm today. As a matter of fact, we're expecting a few showers, which I don't mind really, although I've come to prefer the sunshine. The wind is coming from the north and will be a bit chilly. I may even have to wear a scarf this morning, which I've not had to for a while. 

At least it's already Thursday today and the week is moving along at a steady pace. Before you know it, it will be weekend again and time for a breather. It's not been an especially tough week, but I'll be glad when it's over. I haven't really enjoyed the days very much and haven't felt in such a great mood. I've been waiting for my anti-depressives to start working, but I think that they maybe have now. It's sometimes hard to tell as my moods are not always easy to pin down and can be unpredictable and depend on how much sleep I've had. I'm sure I'll have to take a nap today. I always seem to need a lot of sleep and I sure haven't had any now. 

I hope you'll all have a nice day.

Ciao,

Nora

It's a tough job...

Even though daytime blogging is hard for me to do, I'm going to give it a try. I was planning on taking a nap, but the phone rang and that got me right out of my bed again. I'm not going back to it and I'm saving my sleep for tonight instead. I made a deal with my psychiatrist and my SPN that I was seriously going to change my sleeping habits and not get up in the middle of the night anymore to stay up for a couple of hours and blog. 

My psychiatrist is also prescribing another sleeping pill that will help me sleep through the night instead of what I have now that only helps me fall asleep. I have no problems falling asleep. As a matter of fact, I'm asleep ten minutes after I lie down in bed. It's staying asleep that's the problem. Hopefully these pills will help me. Unfortunately, the pharmacy didn't have them in supply and has to order them, so I won't have them until tomorrow. That's a bit of a disappointment, but I will have to be patient for another night. 

I get up in the middle of the night because I think it's exciting to blog then. I usually have a very good mood and a bit of a high. I think that the posts that I write then are much more exciting than the posts that I write during the day. This could all be an illusion and I came to realize that this past night. I was artificially pepping myself up with coffee and creating a hypo-manic state for myself to exist in. I thought I was writing down very significant things, but they really amounted to nothing at all. 

I want to stop doing this foolishness in the middle of the night and just sleep through it like ordinary people do. I want to go to bed at night knowing that I will wake up feeling refreshed in the morning because I've had enough sleep. 

I discussed feeling depressed with my psychiatrist and how you can choose to ignore those thoughts and feelings once you realize that you have them because you're depressed. You don't have to give any credence to them and they don't have to overwhelm you. You can choose not to sit in them, but put them in a pile beside you and leave them there for you to look at now and then when you feel up to it. 

You would not have most of those thoughts and feelings if you felt well. If you were in a healthy state of mind. Most of them you have because you see your life through very negatively colored glasses. That is, if you've worked through enough of the baggage that you carry around with you because of everything that's happened to you in your life. If you walk around with old unresolved grief, you'll have to take care of it. 

In spite of my good intentions, I am tired and I'll have to go to bed early tonight. I'll walk Tyke one more time and eat dinner and get my pajamas on. I'll vegetate in front of the television for a while and watch nothing important whatsoever. You do have to have times like that too. I'm sure there will be something like that on. There usually is. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

No woman, no cry...

It's in the middle of the night again and I am up as usual. It's the same old routine as it always is and really, I would not want it any different, unless my psychiatrist gave me pills that actually made me sleep through the whole night. I thinks that's a pipe dream, however, and I won't hold my breath waiting for them. I wonder if such a pill actually exists. It would have to be a horse pill that put me completely under.

I do long for blessed sleep like that, but as long as I don't get it, I don't mind being up in the middle of the night and sitting behind the computer under the influence of my sleep medication and writing a blog post because it does take away my inhibitions. It makes it easier for me to write. I can turn out all sorts of nonsense without worrying about it too much. I'm slightly dopey and not to be held completely accountable. I will blame whatever idiotic things I write on the drugs. 

I suppose I'm like an alcoholic who writes under the influence of booze and turns out masterpieces. Not that I claim to write those, but I write a heck of a lot better when I'm under the influence of sleep medication than when I'm stone cold sober. I tried that earlier tonight and absolutely nothing came of it. All I was faced with was the stark reality of life and all its bareness and it scared me to death. I could not face it and write about it. It immobilized my mind.

I saw the harsh gray outlines of life and its grim contours and its unkind face and I didn't like it. It was all harsh cement and cold gray stone and unreflective glass facades and I felt intimidated by it. I don't want to live in a world like that. I want to live in a world in which the contours are softened and the colors are kinder. My sleep medication makes it so. It's like seeing the world through rose colored glasses. Call it escapism, but who do I hurt by escaping it? I still function in it. I'll be sober again in the morning, which it almost is now.

Of course, that's why I like being up so much in the middle of the night. I wouldn't like it if I were not under the influence. No doubt I would do everything I could to stay asleep or at least in bed, unpleasant as that might be. I honestly doubt I would sleep very much. 

Do I lay bare my soul too much? So be it.

I'm going back to bed shortly. I'll take my morning medicines and crawl back under the duvet. It's when I do my best sleeping.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

On the wrong side of the bed...

I started out feeling very grumpy when I got up and decided that wouldn't do at all. I've been trying very hard to get into a better mood ever since and it's slowly working. I do despise grumpy moods that are there for no reason at all. You just wake up with them because you got up at the wrong side of the bed. They're nobody's fault and they serve no purpose whatsoever other than to make you feel bad.

You could proceed to attach a cause to them, but I'm not that dedicated and would rather get over them instead of becoming a crusader. I'm not a good Samaritan of lost causes. I'd hate to get all heated up and bothered over some issue that's unjust and unfair somewhere in the world when I know it's not within my ability to do anything about it. Those days are far behind me. I only care on the sidelines now.

I know a cup of coffee helps when I'm grumpy and I've had two of them now. I am starting to feel better. The caffeine has nearly straightened me out. Maybe it's because I'm reducing my sleep medication that I found myself in this mood. It may be possible. If it is, I'm not going to worry about it, because it's a minor obstacle and it's something I can easily get over. It's a question of mind over matter and I am capable of that.

I'm going to very pleasantly sit here until the morning arrives and not worry about a thing. That's the nice thing about the hours of the middle of the night. There's nothing you can do about anything at all, even if you wished it. All I have to do is sit behind my computer in the light of my desk lamp and pass the hours in the best possible way. For a while, I am oblivious of the world around me.

That will change in the morning when I turn on the television and watch the news and am bombarded with all the issues that happen around the world. The Netherlands are not an insulated country that is unaware of what happens outside itself. We hear of news around the world and sometimes it overwhelms you. You wonder how you can absorb so much.

My knee has been bothering me very much and seems to be getting worse instead of better. There's not much I can do without having pain, except for standing up and leaning on my left leg. I made an appointment to see the doctor on Friday. That's the soonest I could get in.

I think I'll go back to bed for a few hours more sleep. It's still very early. Both the animals are sound asleep. It's not nearly time to start the day.

I hope you'll all have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

No rest for the wicked...

I've tried to sleep, but after tossing and turning for a few hours I've gotten up again and heated up a cup of left over coffee. I will be up for a while and try to sleep again at a later time or some time early in the morning. I will see how well I manage to amuse myself and to which time zone in the world I can adjust myself. Somewhere in the world people are up living their lives and going about their business and I'll pretend that I'm in tune with them. I'll disregard the fact that it is bedtime here. As a matter of fact, I should be in tune now with my daughter who lives in Texas, so I'll pretend I'm over there. 

It's possible that I've been stuck in the Texas time zone ever since I was last there and that I never got adjusted again to the one here. I'm constantly running about 7 hours behind schedule. Maybe that's my problem. The little bit of sleep I get initially at night is only induced by my sleep medication. It doesn't really count as real sleep. I don't get that until I go to sleep in the early hours of the morning. In Texas I slept well. I went to bed at a normal time and slept through the night. I always sleep well when I'm in the States. I guess I feel safer there. 

This is all just a mad theory I'm making up as I go along. I'm only being silly, but I am looking forward to the moment when I get tired and I'll want to go to bed and I will really be ready to go to sleep. That's when I have my sweetest dreams, but I suppose that if I want to sleep well, I have to go to Texas. I may even go so far as to try California. That's 9 hours difference. That really ought to do the trick. 

I'm drinking cold milk now as I didn't think it was too smart to drink any more coffee. I've had enough caffeine during the evening to wake up a village. No, that's not true, I didn't drink that much coffee. Just enough to get me out of a slump, but it probably didn't help me go to sleep. I'm just too pepped up. I have to keep in mind that I reduced my anti-psychotics some more today. That can make a difference in my mood and energy level. It can make me hyper. I do have to keep an eye on that. 

I think I'll go find something to do. Some sort of trouble to get into. There must be something I can undertake. 

Have a good evening all you people who are still awake. 

Ciao,

Nora

No fooling around now...

That pill that allows me to fall asleep only keeps me asleep for a few hours and then I'm wide awake again. It's not a real sleeping pill, which is good, because I've heard from people who take those that they are very groggy in the morning and that they suffer the consequences of them the next day. At least I don't have that. I am wide awake after it has worn off and any sleeping I do later, I do on my own. I may as well try and get off it and it is one of the things I will try to do soon. First I have to quit smoking.

The day went well yesterday. Everybody came and went and the Exfactor put the coffee table together without any trouble. It is very nice and solid. The area rug arrived while he was working on it, so we put it in place and then put the coffee table on top of it. The area rug is dark gray and the coffee table is black. It looks good and will look even better when the sofa is in place.

After the Exfactor left. I walked to the flower shop with Tyke and bought two large ivy plants in square, lime green pots. I put one on the coffee table along with a sculpture, so now Tyke can't jump on top of it. He's been foiled. He does like the rug very much and likes to lie down on it. It is soft and warm. I put the other ivy on the dining table, to pull the interior together. I do have to make sure that I always have a bouquet of flowers, because it cheers the place up so very much. I have to make a point of that.

I'm not hypomanic anymore. I came down to earth yesterday afternoon and now I am completely calm and sober minded. I hadn't realized that I was hypomanic until I stopped being it and then it became clear to me. I suspected it last week, but thought I was over it. It's a relief not to be it anymore, because I was outshouting myself. Making too much noise, having too many stars in my eyes. Now I'm down to a manageable level and I'm going at an easier pace. It's a more realistic state of mind to quit smoking in.

I like being this calm me. I am almost sedate. At least I'm more introspective and I like that. I'm not on the run for anything. The hypomanic me got a lot of things done, the calm me gets to enjoy them. I can be more objective like this and think about things in a more rational way, without high running emotions. I also feel that I can rest and be quiet and that everything will happen in its own good time. The last thing I want to do now is turn on the light therapy lamp. That will turn me back up.

My sister is giving a house warming party tonight and she has invited lots of people. If only half of them show up, it will be a full house. She'll have food and drinks and good company. I will make it a point not to drink too much wine. I do have to ride my bike home.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora