Saturday, July 05, 2014

Walking to which beat?

I am trying to live my life in a more normal manner as if I only have cancer part time on the days that I have appointments. I am getting fed up with having cancer and I don't like to be reminded of it too much. It is bad enough that it is almost the first thing that I think of in the morning when I wake up, because I do have to remind myself initially of what is wrong. 

I have grown tired of having to tell people what is wrong with me and have developed a very shortened version of how to explain it. Nobody listens well in the first place and usually I have to repeat myself, so it is better if I do that in as short a manner as possible. It is also strange how everyone wants to have an opinion on it, as if cancer is something you can critique. 

The oddest thing is, how people want to own my cancer as if it belongs to them and it is afflicting them.  I don't even get to own my own cancer and decide how I feel about it. Everybody else wants to decide that for me. The only person who does not waltz over me like that is the Cowboy. He has the most delicate and sensible way of letting me deal with it myself.

I have a heck of a hard time in the late afternoon and early evening and have decided that I need to move up the time when I take all my medicines by an hour. I start feeling very low around 4 pm, so that is when I need to take my regular medicines from now on. This is also when the pain medication starts to wear off, but I have to wait a couple of more hours to take the next pills. I also have to make the time when I take them an hour earlier at least. 

The Cowboy buys interesting food for me so that I will be excited about eating and so that my stomach will not protest. He reminded me that the reason I am losing weight is because I am feeding a cancer at the same time. I have to think about nutrition especially now. I have to eat dinner earlier in the day and not wait for the conventional time to come around. There are all of these little rules that I have to break. I have to reinvent my day. 

I am sure that everyone with cancer has their own unique experience and that everyone has to invent their own way of how to deal with it. I am by no means an expert. I have only known for a short time that I have it, but I am learning an awful lot in that very short time. So far, they are only wisdoms that apply to me and maybe they will always be. I can only write down what I feel as it happens to me. 


Rob-bear said...

Adjusting your day to fit your needs, Irene. That's a very important thing to do. It's your body, your life. Despite well-intentioned friends.

Blessings and Bear hugs!

Anonymous said...

Although I've never had cancer, my best friend did (she's been in remission for over 5 years now). She noticed some of the same things you have: other people wanting to "own" your cancer and not really listening when you try to explain. Like you, she quickly learned to gloss over most of it and then she would change the subject. She too had only a couple of trusted people who still treated her normally and to whom she could freely speak. I'm glad the Cowboy is one of those people for you! Stay strong! xoxo