The latest news.

After getting off the anti-psychotics completely, I did have to go back on a small dose of them but they did not cause the unpleasant  side effects that they did for a little while and I'm now completely adjusted to this dose. It's been a pleasant journey of discovery and getting to know myself all over again.

I am very rarely scared or sad like it turned out I was so very often. It's the near absence of them that made me realize it. If I ever am, it's because I'm having a momentary energy dip and it's quickly resolved by drinking a cup of coffee. Fear and sadness are not emotions that are hovering in the back of my mind all the time any longer.

I'm mostly very alert and upbeat and fearless. I am now who I´ve wanted to be for a long time. I´m not intimidated by life anymore or by the details that are involved in living it. I am not overwhelmed and things are back to their proper proportions and manageable.

I suppose I get to be the optimist I wanted to be all along. It´s nice that I was prepared for it.

The proper mood...

I've been sitting here for a while trying to get in the right mood to write a post. I was feeling very grumpy and could not think of a nice thing to write. I knew I would have to change my attitude because I didn't want this to tunr into one great lament. I had to do a bit of self analysis and drink a glass of ice cold milk. I think I've got the attitude problem sorted out and the milk has made me feel a lot better too.

Just as easily as I can get very optimistic, I can also get into a total funk. It is usually short lived but intense. There is usually a reason for it because it's about something that's bothering me a lot and something that I really need to rant about. Since I don't have that possibility, I have to work it out on my own. I have a mini storm rage inside of me but at a certain point it boils down to a mild simmer and then I don't feel so bad anymore. 

After wrestling with this particular issue, I'm left feeling very tired and I really want to go back to bed and sleep. I will postpone that a little while and finish this post.I don't have an appointment until 1:30 pm and I have enough time to sleep. This appoinment is to practice relaxation and breathing techniques and it's something completely new for me.

Well, that's not true. I do know relaxation techniques and do apply them but not on a regular enough basis. I do know how to get back in the moment very well but there are crucial times when I forget. It has to become second nature. 

I will be a perfect human being yet.

I need to go back to bed. I'm so tired. 

Have a good night you all.

Ciao,
Irene

After all's been said and done.

I'm drinking coffee because it's the most agreeable beverage I can drink (even better than ice cold milk) and it's putting me in a very good mood. Now, if you had your choice, wouldn't you do the same thing and fill yourself with some caffeine? 

I know it's only a semi-permanent effect and that it will wear off again and that it will not prevent me from sleeping tonight. As soon as I quit drinking the coffee and switch to something else, I will start mellowing out again and I will be yawning by the time it is bedtime. 

I'm almost always an optimist and today I most certainly am.

It must be because today the sun has been shining, except for the occasional cloud, and it cast its light into the living room for most of the afternoon, making it nice and warm in here.  It does make me feel more cheerful but I already was anyway. 

I was from the moment I got up this morning and was merrily greeted by the dog. What a way to start the day. I drank my coffee and smoked my cigarettes in all peacefulness and silence. I had given myself an hour to get myself together and that was enough. Then I was ready to get the show on the road and the first thing I did was take the dog for a walk in the crispy morning air. 

I've done all the things that I planned to do today and I consider it successful. I hope I will repeat myself tomorrow when it will be a little less hectic. I will still have to accomplish things but they will all have to be done at home which will simplify the process.

I've ordered another denim jacket on line which will be delivered in the afternoon. It's a gray one with little pink flowers. It will match the clothes that my blue denim one doesn't. I live in my blue denim jacket, except for when it needs to be washed and then I miss it sorely. It's become an inseperable part of me.

I've started to pay attention more to the way I look. I had neglected that a little bit lately and put my clothes on without much care to the details. Today I've got a scraf draped around my neck that I haven't worn in a long time and I'm pleased with the effect. I picked it up instinctively, not knowing how it would look. It was the right choice. 

One of my rings has fallen off my finger and I don't know when it happened so I don't know where to look for it. It could be anywhere. It's a shame because it's one I liked a lot, although it was not an expensive one. That's how skinny my fingers have become and I wish my stomach would follow suit.

Thank goodness that I can see clearly now because the domestic help has washed the windows.

Ciao,

Irene

Some coffee first, please...

I had to bring myself back to life with a cup of coffee before I could even think about writing this post. I was in sorry shape. I had gotten there without me really realizing it until I noticed that I was yawning an awful lot and couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. 

Luckily, a pot of coffee was quickly made and cup even more quickly poured. I drank it in a hurry and I'm starting to feel a bit better now. I'm not quite back to normal, but I'm on my way and expect to be in great shape in just a little while. I have to be patient enough to let the caffeine do its work and it will do that as if by magic. 

Aren't I always the eternal optimist? Just give me a cup of coffee and a cigarette and all will be well in my world. There's not much that can go wrong then. I do have a tendency to live in the moment and not think ahead too much. Whatever goes well now is of importance. I'll see about the rest later. 

The Exfactor was here this morning and put some order to the spare bedroom and he will be emptying it on Thursday. I'm so glad about that because I thought it was never going to happen. I'm happy that he finally gave me a day on which it is going to take place. There are a lot of things to move and he's done the preperatory work. I will have to do some sorting myself too and make sure that everything that needs to go actually does.

It does remind me to never save anything that I have any doubts about. If it's not absolutely necessary that I keep it, out it goes immediately. There will be no more spare room to put it in. I will have to be ruthless about making my choices. Life is about holding things down to the bare minima anyway. It doesn't pay to hang on to obsolete items. That's just so much bagage that you don't need to carry around with you. 

It was a lovely day today. We had sunshine and great temperatures. It was warmer today than it was yesterday. It was very nice to take the dog for a walk, especially if we stayed out of the shade which we did for the most part. The hedges are green now and there are birds hiding in them. There are also bees buzzing around and daisies and dandelions in the grass.  The fruit trees are also blooming.

Because I have the windows open. I hear the birds start to sing very early in the morning before it gets light. It's a joyous sound and makes me happy. It's nice to fall back asleep to. That's an understatement. 

Well, I'm all done getting back to normal now and I will end this post. I can't blather on forever. 

I hope you'll all have a wonderful evening.

Ciao,

Irene

All finished with that now...

I'm all done seeing the world through rose colored glasses like I did so naively yesterday. I've come down from cloud number nine and landed back on earth again. Here I am sat solidly in my desk chair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette because, yes, I've started smoking again. That isn't such a strange thing with the whole gamma of emotions I was running through these past 24 hours. I've been high and low and now I think I'm somewhere in between, but defintely not up there with the angels anymore.

The tentative plan is that my older sister M. is going to come and stay with me in a few weeks time. For this purpose, the spare bedroom is being cleaned out and all the junk wiill be disposed of. As a last grand gesture to my hypo-mania, I ordered a new bed and a chest of drawers on line to furnish that bedroom with. This is instead of trying to find something in the recycle store which I was beginning to have more and more doubts about. I do these things quite spontaneously and maybe to my detriment. Common sense comes later.

I hope I'm done being hypo-manic for this season. I've certainly been like a ping pong ball enough. I've bounced all over the place. It is normal for this time of year, but it always takes me by surprise. It's not all that awful to feel on top of the world, but it's not a constant feeling and it can get out of hand. More than anything, it's exhausting. I'm more than ready to be my version of what I consider normal. That's what I'm familiar and comfortable with. It's a hugely more predictable me. 

Today is a cold day and I've got my bathrobe on over my clothes and the heater on. It's gray and overcast outside and we even had a shower. I really don't mind this weather as long as I'm warm enough, but it is in sharp contrast to how it was yesterday. Luckily, I don't have to go anywhere this weekend so I can hibernate and the dog will have to do his last piddles out back. I'm not planning on going outside again. I do love him, but I don't love him that much.

One thing is for sure. I'm incredibly dull when I'm my low key usual self. It's difficult to get me excited. That's nice for me, but it may be different for you if you want to read a super interesting post. 

Ciao,

Irene

For no reason at all...

For no reason that I can think of I'm very happy right now. This comes after having been somewhat down in the dumps all day, although that gives the impression that I was depressed and I wasn't that. Let's just say that my grumpy mood from yesterday wasn't over yet. I'm like a bear disturbed in her winter sleep and all I want to do is hibernate until springtime. I think that is the proper description for me lately. 

But this minute I feel good. I actually feel like I'm in a proper enough mood to feel some optimism and to not look at the day as one long dreary stretch of time that needs to get through somehow in the best possible way. That sounds torturous, doesn't it? And it is. I'm not enjoying that at all. 

You should see me try to get through the day in my own convoluted way. I'm like a circus lion jumping through hoops and will do anything to make the day go by as quickly as possible. I'm hopelessly short of imagination, though, and I fail in making it as amusing as I can. I can only think of the most boring and the least painful ways to manage. But I do make it in the end anyway and that is the most important thing. 

I guess that's why I'm so relieved at the end of the day when I feel like I've completed another gargantuan task. No wonder that it makes me feel so happy. All I have to do is make it through the short evening and go to bed. The night is easy enough to get through. And really, once I have my pajamas and bathrobe on, I feel that anything is easier. It's the same as wearing lounge wear and being dismissed from the job. It's like being on vacation. 

Oh yes, I started on the lower dose nicotine patches today and don't notice one bit of difference. The packaging was the same but the patches are smaller. I wondered how they were going to deal with that. What an ingenious solution. I will be on this dose for a week and then I move on to step 3. I suppose those patches will be even smaller. That will be the last step and then I will be without and on my own. I'll be ready for it. 

I hope you'll all have a nice evening and that you won't be bored jumping through your own hoops. 

Ciao,

Nora

Please skip the scepticism...

I think the medication for my stomach is beginning to work because I can eat a little bit better without it causing me as many problems. Needless to say, this is a great relief. It's a great thing when you can eat something without your stomach going in an uproar. I can't eat a lot, but just enough to satisfy my hunger and I can eat four or five times a day. 

I can't believe how much my stomach problems influence my mood. I used to think it was the other way around, but it isn't. I can be in a perfectly good mood until my stomach starts to act up. I get so uncomfortable and frustrated then. I stay uncomfortable for at least two hours, so it takes a while to get back to normal. It's good to realize which comes first. I'd go through life thinking I was one heck of a frustrated person. 

I'm very optimistically minded, really, and I'm usually in a good mood. As long as my stomach agrees with me, I'm one happy camper. 

The day went by quickly and I hope that the weekend goes by quickly also, although I do look forward to being a bit lazy. As a matter of fact, I look forward to that a lot. There's nothing better than lounging around in your bathrobe and making the morning last as long as possible. Postponing the start of the day with a cup of coffee and navel contemplation is very pleasant. 

The dishes have been done, the bed's been changed and the laundry has been washed and hung up to dry. The apartment is all clean too. That doesn't leave much for me to do. This weekend I will have to start reading again out of self preservation. I have several new books to choose from, one of them in Dutch. I will have to see which language I will want to read in. 

I have to watch the news and be a well informed person again. I haven't watched television all day. I don't know what's wrong with me. 

Ciao,

Nora

Post haste...

Outside it is raining hard and it has been almost non stop all day. Whenever I think about taking the dog out for a walk, it starts raining again so he has only been able to go out back. He's not too enthused about it and doesn't really want to be outside. Neither does the cat who's been very cozily staying in all day. I think we are hibernating today. 

I'm glad it wasn't this weather yesterday when I had to go out twice. Once to go to my GP and once to go see my therapist and to go to the pharmacy. I would have been miserable on my bike if it had rained like this. I do always seem to get lucky and avoid the worst of the weather. It's usually on my days off that it rains so bad. 

I saw my GP for the stomach problems that I have been having for quite a while now. I can't eat or drink anything without it causing me trouble and I very often have a stomach ache or cramps. I thought it was more than high time that I had it looked at. For now she prescribed some medication that should start working in a couple of days time, but I have to see her again in two weeks. 

I also had to donate some blood to run some tests on and to also check my thyroid function which had not been done in two years. I was one year too late with that. It goes to show you that I don't go to the doctor enough. I kind of neglect that.

I had not seen my therapist in a long while and had to fill her in on the latest news. I did that in the shortest amount of  time possible without making it sound dramatic. The conclusion was the most important thing to tell. It's what lesson you learn from your experiences that counts. How much wisdom do you gain? 

I made an appointment with her for a month from now. I want to be self reliant and not be guided in every step of the process along the way. I think I should be my own support and inspiration.

I am well on my way to having figured out a lot of things now and I know that I can count on myself a lot when it comes to making decisions. I'm wiser than I thought I was. The wisdom just gets snowed under now and then by my sometimes fragile emotions, but less and less so. 

The seed of optimism is growing larger inside myself and taking up more room. It's hard to get around its presence anymore. It has taken on a life of its own and exists whether I want it too or not. It is an almost independent entity. Pretty soon I'll call it the tree of optimism. 

I think I have to take the dog out now. It has been dry for a while. I will have to take the chance.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Blue Monday...

It was Blue Monday day before yesterday, but I didn't know that until after I had my own version of it. I have a tendency not to believe in those kinds of things if I know about them beforehand, but this time I didn't. 

It's supposed to be the worst day of the year for whatever reason I don't know. The logic of it escapes me. I can testify to the fact that it is true because I had my own horrible day. After having felt good for months, and especially good the last few weeks, I tumbled down into the pit of despair and wanted to be dead. 

Now luckily, this feeling didn't last longer than the Blue Monday was long and I did crawl out of that pit again and by the nighttime I was on my way back up. I didn't end up in a long lasting depression which very easily could have been the case too. Somehow my optimism came shining through and I could not stay long in that misreable place. 

I was bound to stumble and fall after having been in a elevated mood for so long. I could not keep up the pace. Throw in a couple of minor complications and I ran out of steam. Suddenly everything became too much for me and I couldn't see the forest for the trees anymore. I felt completely lost and lonely. It was all in a reaction to what had come before. 

At my lowest point, I wished myself dead, but I soon got over that and started thinking of reasons to live. I didn't reach for extra pills to make myself feel better. That notion didn't even enter my head. I did have a talk with my Higher Being and decided to not to try to force the issue but to leave it up to fate. Then I took a nap because sleep solves a lot.

The next day I was at ease with myself and peaceful again. I was ready to climb back into the saddle with a more realistic point of view. I'm not ready to go on an adventurous rde, I will just move along at a steady pace. Easy does it. I won't go battling windmills. 

Now I'm sitting here with a glass of cold milk enjoying the solitude of the night. I just let the dog out back and outside it's freezing. There's a star filled sky. 

I try to be efficient and self reliable. It's what got me here. 

Ciao,

Nora

Keeping up the patter...

Today felt like a weekend day because that's how relaxed it was. I must be getting really good at enjoying the weekdays when I have no commitments. When there's nothing on the agenda but ordinary chores, I don't feel any sort of pressure at all and I'm the most relaxed person on the block. 

I hardly know what happened to the day, it sort of slipped through my fingers without me noticing it too much. Before I knew it, it was over and I didn't really have much to show for it. I was left with a pleasant enough feeling and I don't feel like I've wasted my time. Any day I end feeling satisfied can't be a wasted day.

That doesn't mean that I don't want any commitments because I do. I do want more activities to fill my days and I am in the process of arranging that now. My days are too empty and do have trouble filling them. I have too much spare time on my hands. I need to be more busy and be exposed to other people. I'm fully aware of that.

With the dose of optimism that I have now, I have no doubt that a lot of things are going to change over the year. I've had a good attitude change to start the year of with and I hope I can hang on to it. I try to reinforce it every day and learn something new as I go along. You're never too old to learn new lessons. I've had some real eye openers lately and even had one today that was a real Eureka moment. 

Sometimes it seems that I go through rapid learning cycles and I process a lot of new information in a relatively short amount of time. It's when my mind seems to be able to make and see connections that it didn't before and come to all sorts of logical conclusions. It's possible that I have an alertness then that's maybe not present at other times. I guess the trick is to be alert more often. 

I suppose I need to create those conditions in which I am most alert and sharp minded. One of those ways is to be exposed to other people and other ideas. I do need to be stimulated in my thought processes and to be challenged out of my comfort zone. I may be too complacent where I am and learn nothing new. Being in a different environment can be enough of a stimulus to get my interest going. 

That doesn't mean that I have to indiscriminately accept every idea I'm exposed to. I do have to pick and choose what I find acceptable. Sorting through all the incoming information will be enough of a lesson on its own.

This was my little share of wisdom for tonight. 

Ciao

Nora

Being in possession of my good fortune...

The mission that I was on yesterday was a big success. This was because I was well prepared and in the right frame of mind. I also felt very strong and sure of myself and I was pretty convinced that it was going to have a good outcome. The person I was doing it all for also turned out to be more than ready to receive help and was very co-operative and open to all I had to say. She was further along in the process of discovering herself than I had anticipated. It was a pleasant surprise. 

I now feel that I've succeeded at something very important and that a huge step has been made. It is another great beginning to the new year which is looking good so far. I have a very good feeling about 2012 and I think compared to last year, this is going to be a much better one. And I don't mean just for me personally, but for the world as a whole generally. I think women especially are going to play a big role in bringing about change. It started off with the awarding of the Nobel Peace Prizes at the end of last year and will continue into this year.

If I can be accused of anything it's optimism, but I refuse to see the glass nearly empty. That's not at all the state of mind I'm in. 

I'm sitting here with a glass of milk in the middle of the night and I have to think about going back to bed soon because my personal helper is going to be here early in the morning. I do have to get up on time if I want to have a cup of coffee leisurely and get dressed properly. After she's been here, the Exfactor will come to do the groceries. 

I can't think of another thing to add.

I hope you're all sleeping soundly.

Ciao,

Nora

Great and small...

I'm having my second much needed cup of coffee after experiencing serious brain drain when I got up from my nap this afternoon. I slept a little longer than I had intended to, but I must have needed the sleep. As a result, I was a little foggy when I got up and needed the caffeine very much. 

I was reluctant to make a pot of coffee because sometimes my stomach revolts against it and I never know when that is going to be. I sat here bleary eyed and had no other choice but to make one if I wanted to get anything done and be in a good mood. 

Luckily, the coffee was quickly made and the first cup not only agreed with my stomach but also put my mind in working order in no time at all. I was tremendously cheered. I felt that I had triumphed over evil forces and that the goodness of the caffeine was allowed to do its healing work. 

Outside it is raining hard and the wind is whipping it against the windows. I don't think the dog and I will be going for a walk any time soon. The weather has been bad for the past few days and I don't know exactly when it is supposed to improve. I'm hopelessly out of touch with the latest news. I haven't been watching TV at all.

My daughter and her father are on their way back to the States. I'm in the process of getting used to their absence and that will take me a while. I must be careful not to fall into a big hole and I have to hang on to the sense of optimism that I got out of the visit. It did me a lot of good and I feel like a reborn woman.

I have made some resolutions for the new year and I hope I can stick to them. They are not too complicated and some of them are just continuations of ones that I had last year. Others are new and take some effort to get used to as new goals. It's easier to leave everything the way it was, but not wiser. 

There is such a thing called emotional investment and I've decided to do much more of it. In the past I've always been afraid to take the chance in case I got hurt, but now I'm willing to invest. It's going to be a theme throughout my life this whole year and I'm going to put a lot of effort into it. It's not just going to be a hobby that I do on the side. 

The focus will not be on me but on other people. My look will be outwards. I will not be self centered but social. There is enough of me to go around. 

Have a good day, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Filling my time...

Optimistically speaking, it is early in the morning and I am apparently insistent on starting the day at this ungodly hour. There is, of course, nothing wrong with it because there are no rules about when a person is supposed to undertake such a thing. You get up out of bed and make yourself some coffee and find out that you are in a functioning mode and in a good mood. It's as simple as that. There lies no complication in it whatsoever. 

You do have to decide what you are going to do with all those empty hours that lie ahead of you. You have to creatively and usefully fill those up. I do not lack an imagination, but sometimes I do fall short of the task and don't know enough things to do. That's why it is so nice to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes because I can wile away many long moments doing those activities, passive as they are. They seem to fit my personality which is introvert and pragmatic. 

I'll be taking a shower early this morning and getting dressed before it's dawn. I do have a nice, new, long sleeved T-shirt with a pretty print on it that I'm looking forward to wearing. I will have to wear a cardigan over it because it's a bit chilly outside. It's warm enough inside because I have the heater on despite my concerns about the energy bill. I wanted to be comfortable and only knew of one way besides wearing my warm bathrobe. It's awful anyway to take a shower in a cold bathroom. Brrr...

The dog will be happy because he'll get to go for a walk early too. There's still a clear sky outside, but it's supposed to rain later today and not get much warmer. I hope it waits with raining for a while because I have to go to the tobacco shop first thing when it opens. I will probably be their first customer and an eager one too. I'm almost out of tobacco and may have to wear a nicotine patch for a while. It would be a good time to quit actually. Only I don't think that I have the courage for it right now. I have to be in the right frame of mind. That counts for a lot too. 

In another two days my daughter and her father will be back from Italy. I am very happy about that and do have enough patience for that. Two days are manageable. I know that they are having a good time and that helps a lot too. I do want their vacation to be something that they can look back on with pleasure. The fact that I miss my daughter pales in comparison. I can't be selfish and think of only me. I do want the last days that I spend with her to be of quality. I will make sure of that. 

The coffee tastes awfully good. It is from Starbuck's and my daughter brought me an enormous package of it. I wasn't sure at first if I was going to like it, but I did after the initial pot of it. I had to adjust the dose of ground coffee that I put in the filter, but got it right the second time around. Now I'm an old pro at making it. 

I hope you'll al have a really good day. I'm planning on one myself. So is the dog, I think. 

Ciao,

Nora

Boosting my ego...

I was going to very self indulgently write a post with no other purpose than to make myself feel good. It's not that I didn't already feel that way. I just wanted  to prolong the feeling as much as possible and inflate it as much as I could. I suppose I wanted to inflate my ego to huge proportions. I wouldn't have been able to fit through the door when I was done.

I don't know why I had this desire. I had not analyzed myself and I was not about to. I just took it as a given that I had it, although you could say that I really needed a moral boost now that I think of it. The minute I said that I wouldn't analyze myself, my mind automatically started to and I couldn't stop it. I immediately became contemplative and wanted an explanation.  I suppose I do have a Freudian streak in me. 

I also knew that I couldn't get away with inflating my ego simply for the sake of making myself feel better. I'd have to do a more sophisticated job than that. I couldn't pull the wool over my own eyes, much as I would have liked to. 

I woke up feeling pretty full of myself and darn near invincible. I felt that I could take on the world. It seemed that whatever I did and said was exactly the right thing and that I could make no mistake. 

That's all very well if you have no censor inside yourself to call a halt to your own exuberant self or if you choose to ignore that person. I'm not so fortunate and can't go on announcing that I'm the emperor without having a good hard look at myself.

I'm somewhat deflated now down to the proper size. I was getting carried away and it is better this way. I fit inside my own skin again. I have no grandiose notions left. 

That doesn't mean I'm down in the dumps now. It isn't as bad as all that. I do still feel good about myself. I'm just more realistic now and having a good honest look. 

I went on the bathroom scale when I got up and saw that I had to lose three kilos. That weight did sneak up when I overindulged in vanilla pudding last week. I suppose I won't be putting that on the shopping list anymore for quite a while. I don't like the stomach I've got right now. It's kind of round and not very becoming. That's one area that needs improvement. 

That's just cosmetically. I'll have that fixed in no time. 

It's what's on the inside that counts and for the most part I'm not unhappy with that as it could be so much worse. I am seeing the glass half full. Whatever wrench gets thrown into the works, I manage to extract and get things working again. 

I'm managing to drink small glasses of mild orange juice without upsetting my stomach. I think that's a real victory. I thought I'd never be able to do that again and took the chance when I put the juice on the shopping list.

You see, it's the little things that count. 

Have a good day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Being awake is another option...

Optimistically speaking, it's very early in the morning, although it will be some time yet until it's dawn. I won't let that bother me and pretend the day is starting anyway. If I were a dairy farmer, I'd almost be getting ready to milk my cows, especially if I had a large herd.

I'm very cozily sitting here in my bathrobe with my cup of coffee. I slept well and was lovingly woken up by the dog who had to go out back. He's sound asleep now on the sofa. I feel that not much can go wrong right now and all is well with the world. I'm going to enjoy these first hours of the day as much as I can. 

When I was rearranging the bookcase the other day, I found '101 Crossword Puzzles for Dummies.' I don't remember exactly who bought me this, but I suspect it was my first ex-husband who knows I am crossword puzzle mad. I had forgotten that it was there and now I have been sitting down doing the puzzles.

I'm happy to say that I can solve most of them with only a minimum amount of cheating. I spent two hours on them yesterday afternoon until I was sick and tired of them. Still, I conveniently laid the book on my desk because I know I will want to do more of them today. 

I also have the Collected New York Times and Los Angeles Times Sunday Crosswords. It will be a while before I try those because they are a bit harder to do. I used to solve them when I still lived in the States, but I'm not as savvy now. You have to be more than a dummy to do those and be steeped in the culture. They are not for sissies. 

So, the interesting things you find when you rearrange your bookcase. There were books there that I hardly ever pay attention to and that are worth my time  looking at. Some have beautiful photographs in them and I haven't looked at them for ages. They are so neglected. If I don't look at them, who will?

I haven't got anything special planned for today. I'm hoping to get that phone call from the optician to say that my glasses will be ready to be picked up, but frankly, I've given up hope. I won't expect it and then I won't be disappointed. I already called them on Tuesday and they said it could be any day. Blagh!

I will take my medicines now and make a pot of green tea with lemon. Then I will sit in my arm chair and do some crossword puzzles until dawn. That ought to keep me out of trouble.

I hope you'll all have a lovely day.

Ciao,

Nora

Almost cured at last...

My cup of coffee tastes especially nice now in the middle of the night and it's the second one I'm drinking. And no, my stomach is not in an uproar because of it. It is behaving quite normally, almost as if it is completely back to normal, although there are still some odd noises emanating from it. I just pretend it's practicing behaving like a regular stomach again. 

So, I'm very cheered that I get to have my cup of coffee and right now I think that all is well with the world. I can claim happiness and contentment for at least a little while. I'll actually try to make it last for as long as the night and day are long. That shouldn't be too hard to do. I don't expect anything to stand in my way. I do feel that I must choose the side of optimism. The glass is half full. 

It's an amazing thing that you have to be miserable to really appreciate what you've got, but that's how I feel right now. I'm so relieved that I have been able to drink and eat a few things again, that my whole disposition has been affected by it. I'm grateful that my stomach is healing and that it's not permanently going to cause me problems. 

I was very concerned about that and it's an enormous relief to find it getting better now. I suppose there's nothing like good health and even the threat of bad health is enough to put a scare into you. Imagine if something had been seriously wrong and how that would have affected me. I mustn't think about it. It would have been a huge burden to live with and my heart goes out to the people who have to.

Yesterday was a seriously nice day. The weather was wonderful and the sun was out all day in a bright blue sky. Luckily, I really got to appreciate it because my sister and I sat outside the front of her house in the sunshine in the afternoon and even got some color. We stayed there until it was time for me to go home. Her house sits on a sheltered street and we weren't bothered by the wind. It didn't interfere until I got on my bike and rode it home.

I did chores on and off while watching sports on TV and I've been watching the rugby championship that's being played in New Zealand. I'm becoming more knowledgeable about rugby and what a good and tough sport it is. I still don't understand all of the rules, but I'm learning. 

The Netherlands won the world championship baseball competition. We beat Cuba to do it. We do feel a certain amount of pride at that. It was a big deal over here and it is hoped that even more kids will start playing baseball now. A lot of our players come from the Dutch Antilles where baseball is a big sport. We have an American coach who speaks Dutch very well. 

Of course, there was the football competition and I do give a running commentary on that with the dog as my single audience member. He does look at me funny as he tries to decipher what I'm talking about. I do very clearly state my opinions. It's a good thing that there's no one else here to get into an argument with. Yesterday, during one game, I would have handed out many more red cards than the referee did. 

Still, I managed to change the bed and do the laundry. At least one load of it. The second one is for today. It was pleasant to get into a clean bed last night. I think the dog appreciated it too because he very cozily cuddled up to me. For a change the cat wasn't around to hog all the attention and he was happy about that. He didn't have to bother chasing her off the bed anyway. 

I must get ready to go back to bed now because today is Monday and duty will be calling this morning. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora 

Trying it one more time...

I wrote such a dull post last night, that I feel that I have to give it another shot and try to improve on it with another post. I don't know yet if this one is going to turn out any better, but I'm going to make a sincere attempt. I can always delete it if it turns into nothing at all, said I, the wisest woman on the block. Ahem...

First I had to make myself a decent pot of coffee instead of drinking a cup of this heated up old coffee that wasn't doing a thing for me. I do need a sufficient supply of mind strengthening beverages when I want to blog well. This task is not to be taken on lightly. I do realize the seriousness of the attempt.

It's best to go on automatic pilot and to write without giving it too much thought. I can edit later. I will rely on my stream of consciousness. Of course, I'm assuming I'm in the possession of such a gift. I must not be waylaid by such concerns and pretend that I am. I possess a huge amount of consciousness and will now put it to work for me, come hell or high water.

Of course, the minute I try, I become stuck for words showing all my inhibitions. I'm a mere human being after all. I used to think I had great meditative qualities and that I could subconsciously make my mind do whatever I pleased. I wanted to reach nirvana and be one with the greater secret of the universe. I never did achieve that state but I had fun trying. 

Now I don't seriously meditate anymore, except that I regularly contemplate my navel while seated in my armchair. I no longer try to reach that blissful state of heavenly existence. That to me is too much like being in a hypo-manic condition. I avoid that if at all possible. I don't want to feel detached from the earth and take on wings. I need to be very much grounded. I would be a fool to attempt bliss. 

Being grounded in reality is my ultimate goal and where I feel most comfortable. That way I can't pull the wool over my own eyes. I always have to face up to the way things really are. Or at least my own perception of them in as straight a manner as I can think about them. Although I am steeped in realism, I do think I sometimes look at the world through rose colored glasses, but who doesn't? 

You'd have to be a fool not to because it would break your heart to look at it any other way all the time. I can't be that callous and continue to live comfortably with myself. You must be allowed to escape from the harsh reality of life. We all do that each in our own way. 

Basically I'm an optimist who sees the glass half full but sometimes even I have my doubts about that. I tend to find the cause of that altered point of view in my own personal make up but isn't it equally likely that it comes from outside causes? How much does environment play a role in how we perceive the world and ourselves?

I did not mean for this to turn into such a philosophical post, but that's what you get when you let your stream of consciousness take over. I'm always very much aware of the insignificant role I play in this world and my large thoughts about it. Under different circumstances I could have played a more influential role, but fate did not decree that. 

I've had my cups of coffee and am fully awakened. Now it is my job to get tired again for a little while because I have to sleep for a few more hours. I will have to drink a glass of warm milk. That usually does the job. The domestic help is coming this morning and I do have to be up on time to let her in. That means I have to be dressed on time too.

Thank good it's Friday again. It will blissfully be the weekend. I say that as if it matters all that much. My weekdays are not bad anymore and I have no real reason to look forward to the weekend so much. It's just the idea of it and the potential freedom. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

How do I love thee, Sunday...

I'm warmly wrapped up in my bathrobe early in the morning after a chilly, rainy night. It's not actually all that cold in the apartment, but it feels like it is because of the damp air coming in through the open windows. 

It's still too early in the season to close them and to turn on the heater. I won't make the energy company that happy. If I dress warm enough, I won't be bothered by the cool air at all and as the day progresses, it does get a bit warmer in here. 

At this moment, I'm more than ready for the day to start, but it may be a dose of too much optimism on my part and I may change my mind later and go back to bed to sleep a little longer.

The whole point is to get through Sunday in the most optimal way and any method is allowed. However you put your Sunday to use is good. There are no rules. I can be as unregulated as I want to be and do whatever strikes me as right at the moment.

I am going out this afternoon. My sister and I are going to an art exhibit and afterwards we are going to have coffee at her house and lightly celebrate my nephew's birthday. He turned 17 on Friday.

We probably won't be able to sit in the garden because it's not going to be all that warm today and we may get some showers. We're experiencing fall weather, which is only appropriate for this time of the year, I suppose.

I will have to think about which clothes to wear. I suppose it should be Sunday apparel but I'm in the mood for wearing whatever I feel like. I will have to see what I can conjure out of my closet. 

I will have to dress keeping the weather in mind. I don't think it's time yet to wear two layers, but the time for short sleeves is over. It's time for cardigans and long sleeved tops.

I'm yawning and have decided to go back to bed for a while. It's still early in the morning and there's no reason yet to be up. I will take my medicines and pour myself a glass of cold milk and crawl back under the warm duvet. 

I hope you'll all have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

Back to the hunting grounds...

I've already been to bed, but decided after an hour of lying there frustratingly awake that I couldn't fall asleep, so I got up again. I figured that an hour of trying to fall asleep was long enough and that was all the time I was going to put into it. It's really not worth more of an effort than that. My whole body was getting restless, including my legs and I didn't know what to do with them. 

So now I'm up, drinking a glass of milk and smoking a cigarette. Of course I have to entertain myself and what better way to do it than by writing blog posts. I have to use my imagination, which I hope not to be short of, but I will try my best and dig deeply into my brain and come up with what I hope is the best. At least, what is the best of a somewhat dull mind late at night that's not overly stimulated by excitement. I probably should make myself some fresh coffee. That ought to do the trick. 

While I was lying in bed, all sorts of subjects passed my mind, but they all had to do with the state of affairs of the world, such as the situations in Japan and Libya and those aren't exactly optimistic things to write about. They happened to be discussed on the radio too and I wondered if we weren't forgetting other pressing matters that are taking place in the world. We seem to get so caught up in the immediate traumas that we forget the other ones that last forever without end and are ongoing and need our attention too. I'm thinking about the ones in third world countries and that we can't seem to bring to a satisfactory conclusion.

I'm not going to get caught up in a doom and gloom post however and try to fix all the problems of the world. I realize it's a big unfair place to live in and that I'm a fortunate person. I live in a still somewhat civilized western European country that's probably the best place to live in. I'm not going to go hungry or get raped by marauding rebels or have my limbs cut off like would happen to me in some African country. If people talk about reincarnating into another life, they never think they might end up as a poor powerless person in one of those countries.

It's definitely time to drink some coffee now and I've just started a pot. I think I'm a little bit too morose. You may not be used to that from me. I'm a bit of a cynic actually and I don't think a lot of these problems can be resolved by outside help from care organizations. It's the people themselves that have to come to their senses and have to take their lives into their own hands. Otherwise we have to return to some form of colonialism. It would be the only solution.

I'm drinking a cup of coffee now and should be good as new in no time. No doubt the caffeine will give me a more optimistic point of view soon. I will be like Pollyanna again and see the world through rose colored glasses, though I doubt that Pollyanna drank coffee. I wonder sometimes if it isn't better to live in oblivion and be ignorant of most things that happen around you except the most immediate. I feel impotent to do anything about most things, except to leave a small carbon footprint. But that's also because of economic necessities. I live frugally and therefor environmentally friendly. Nothing is wasted or bought in abundance. 

I've discovered that I like soups with pasta very much. There's one brand in particular that's like eating a meal. I can just handle one can of it and it's not too salty. It's got pasta and vegetables in it and it comes in different flavors. I had tomato with pasta tonight and chicken with pasta last night. They were mighty tasty. My gastric band can handle them well and they are nutritious. I always like discovering new foods that are easy to handle and that make me feel satisfied. I heat them up in a bowl in the microwave so I have no dirty pan. I never get the stove dirty that way and I do hate cleaning up the stove. These soups are better than eating Cup A Soups which have no nutritional value whatsoever. They're all sodium and flavoring. Don't be fooled by the advertising. 

I'm just about done with my stint of eating yogurt. It was good while it lasted, but now I'm tired of it. I've got yogurt coming out of my nose. I need to eat something else instead. I'm thinking of chocolate pudding. That would be a real treat for dessert. This kind is pourable and has the same consistency as yogurt. It would take care of my sweet tooth at the same time. I haven't been eating Nutella because I thought it was too decadent and I liked it too much. I did have to put an end to that. I do have to watch my weight a little bit, especially now that I've increased two of my medications.They do have a tendency to make you gain weight.

I'm not tired, so I will go look for other ways to amuse myself. Hopefully I will find some way to do this. I can't change my templates because I've already done that and I think I like the way they look. Maybe there's something else I haven't done yet that I've overlooked so far. I do always want my bit of intrigue when I'm up like this in the middle of the night. It never really does amount to much actually. I don't really get into any sort of trouble. Most of what I do is quite innocent. 

I hope you're all having a good night. No doubt some of you are sound asleep. Those of you who are wide awake are welcome to join me in my vigil. The more souls, the merrier. 

Ciao, 

Nora

Outside it's raining...

I have to keep in mind that I'm an optimist otherwise I'd forget about it. I'm in search of my good mood because I just woke up from a nap. At this moment everything seems sort of dreary and dark, but that is doubtlessly also because of the gray and damp weather. The cobwebs that are still in my head from sleeping are adding their own shadows to my present outlook. 

I have made a cup of coffee and I'm counting on the caffeine getting me over this somber state of mind soon. It doesn't do at all to sit around feeling burdened by pessimism. That's not how I normally go through life and I think it doesn't suit me at all. I'm not a doomsday thinker and I do always assume that every cloud has lots of silver linings. 

I always very much look forward to my nap in the afternoon, but I have to tell you that it's a struggle to come back to life when I wake up from it again. The first few seconds I think I'm okay, but when it comes to functioning it's a whole different story. Suddenly everything seems unsurmountable and I think I can't make it through the rest of the day. 

Luckily, I know this is a temporary condition and I'm only momentarily fooled by it. I know I have to take action. I have to mentally point myself into a whole different direction and completely overhaul my attitude. And make myself some coffee.

That's just what I've done and I'm already starting to feel better. I've even had something to eat. I mustn't neglect my stomach and feed it on time. I can easily ignore hunger pangs and only feel them in my subconscious where they hardly register. I have to be really hungry before I realize it. Eating is not a big item on my agenda. It's something I have to do to survive, but because of my gastric band, it's not something I do with a lot of pleasure. 

It keeps raining and I still have to take Tyke out. I will have to choose an opportune moment when it's not coming down too hard. Tyke is sitting in front of the window looking longingly outside. He wants to be out there very much. I don't think he realizes how wet it is. I will have to let him out back first. 

Gandhi was out there for a little while, but came back in quickly. She's a typical cat and dislikes getting wet. She has yet to enter the bathroom when I'm taking a shower, unlike Tyke who sticks his head around the curtain and licks up the soapy water.

Have a good evening, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora