Up early and then some...

I tell myself that there's nothing wrong with being up early on a Sunday morning and at least I found out now when the first birds sing. I did need a cup of coffee before I could convince myself of that notion and my medicines. It's after these mood altering substances had done their work that I could see the bright side of being up this early. Well, if there is a bright side to it. 

There is some doubt in my mind about that and I think I need another cup of coffee before I'm really convinced of it. But the fact is, that I'm wide awake and truly done sleeping and that even if I went back to bed, I wouldn't sleep any more. My bed is no longer an alluring place to go to. I'm all done laying down in it. I've spent enough time there. 

Today is my one and only child's birthday and, although she lives far away, I do feel in a festive mood as if I have to celebrate all by myself the day that I gave birth to her. The memory of that day is very clear in my mind and will not easily be forgotten. I couldn't believe how incredibly painful it was to give birth. Nobody had prepared me for that. But can anybody explain that properly to you?

I will call her later today. It's not the same as being there, but it's the next best thing. 

It's slowly getting light out and in a while I will take the dog for a walk. First I've got to pick out some decent clothes to wear. Something that befits a sunny Sunday because that's the kind of weather it's going to be. It will be cool, but there will be lots of sunshine. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting off the drugs...

I take two tranquilizers along with a sleeping pill before I go to sleep at night. I'm very determined to get off them as well as the sleeping pill because I think they influence my behavior during the night when I'm up and having my little blogging sessions. To say I'm under the influence is putting it mildly. 

Last night, I only took one tranquilizer with the sleeping pill and it doesn't seem to have hurt me any. I slept my regular few hours and was woken up by the dog. That was as normal as it gets. I do now feel less drugged and a little more clearheaded, but that could be in my imagination. Although, no doubt, less barbiturates means more alertness.

I'll try one week on one tranquilizer and then stop that one also. I usually manage to get off them easily as they seem to act as downers very often. After that I can start taking a lower dose sleeping pill. It's really a falling asleep pill, but I have the idea that the effects of it stay in my system for a while. I'll have to see first how I do without the tranquilizers. 

I don't want to feel high in the middle of the night when I read other blogs and comment on them and when I write my own blog posts. It's really not such a wonderful thing to be under the influence of drugs. It's much better to be sober and to be under the influence of your own unmanipulated thoughts.

Today is my birthday but I'm not making a big deal out of it. I've been telling people that I'm the age I'm turning today all year, so it feels very normal. I'm not struck down because I'm this age now. I'm still relatively young and not a pensioner yet and I've got a few good years left in me. I'll still wear my skinny jeans and my leggings and mini skirt. You can't keep a good woman down. 

I think the weather is such that I can start wearing my cowboy boots again. It definitely feels like fall outside. There is wind and rain and a general dreariness. The gales here aren't as bad as they are in the rest of the country because we are more protected here by the hills.

So, I will celebrate my birthday by putting on my tough broad boots and put my Keds away for the season. They have been very comfortable to wear this summer and suited me well. It never did get nice enough for sandals, I thought, unless you wore socks with them the way the Exfactor did like a real Northern European.

I will have to start thinking about getting a new winter coat because the one I have is too big on me. I hope I manage to find a sale on them. Now is a good time to start looking, I think. 

Lord only knows what sort of winter we'll have. I dread even thinking about it. Time is moving so quickly, though. The summer certainly went by fast when you consider that we didn't have much of one. I don't know what sort of harbinger that is for winter. I'll have to make sure that I enjoy autumn extra much.

It's time to go back to bed to get the rest of my sleep. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

On my way to bed...

If I write that I'm on my way to bed, I'll feel that there is a reward for me waiting at the end of this post. What I really should do, is put on my pajamas and bathrobe now and really be ready for bed. I still may do that after I've finished my cup of coffee. I'm awfully tired at the end of this day and look forward to going to sleep. I can't wait to get under the duvet and put my head down on my pillows and fall asleep by the sound of the radio.

It all started off this morning with me picking out the clothes I was going to wear. I had some idea before I looked into the closet and did end up picking out that outfit, which consisted of two pairs of legging, a black long sleeved stretch T-shirt and a black and white tunic. The top pair of leggings was black also and I needed two pairs to keep me warm. 

I took a shower then and shivered, because I can't get the thermos faucet hot enough, no matter how hard I turn it, and washed my hair. I quickly dried myself off with Tyke's help (he likes to lick the water of my lower legs) and got into my clothes as fast as I could and doused myself with perfume.

Then I did chores and waited for my personal helper to get here, which she did a half hour early, on foot, bundled up against the cold, trying not to break her neck on the ice that was in the streets and on the sidewalks. So we had a hot cup of coffee first before we put our brave boots on and went and took Tyke for a much needed walk. Tyke was very happy and eager to go when he saw me put my boots on. He was sitting pretty while I put his leash on and was ready by the front door before I even had my gloves on. We walked very carefully and moved to the grass as soon as we could, because there things were soft and crunchy. We sank into the icy patches.

When we came home, I talked about all the things I was so nervous about and that were worrying.me, which were just the ordinary every day details of the life of a human being who functions in the world, but which I find very difficult. It's why I have to take tranquilizers. This personal helper, whom I'll call my Belgian personal helper, is very good to talk to and gives me lots of good feedback and I always feel better after I've talked about these details of ordinary life. It's like she holds up a mirror in which I see myself and my problems and things seem less complicated. 

She suggested that she comes more often than once a week and starting next week she will be here on Thursday mornings as well. I'm very grateful for that and can't believe my luck. The other personal helper will come on Wednesday mornings, so I will have someone three times a week. I can discuss all my problems with them. Whatever sort of trouble I run into I can discuss with them and they will help me. If that isn't a very good deal, I don't know what is. 

Soon after she left, the domestic help got here and cleaned up the apartment very nicely and it is such a joy to have the place look spic and span. I never have to be embarrassed about having anyone over here, because it always looks good in here. 

Because it was my sister's birthday today, she came and picked me up and took me to her house for coffee and pie. Her Italian friend was there and he had bought her a dishwasher and was finishing installing it. It looked very good when it was done and worked like a charm. He's a very handy man to have around the house. We had delicious pie and I would have liked to have eaten two pieces, but alas... the gastric band! Because I can't speak Italian like they do and I didn't want to speak English, I went on strike and spoke French. I thought about speaking German, but my German is rusty. 

I finally made it home after six where my loyal animals were waiting for me and needed lots of cuddling and food. And then I was tired, because it had been an eventful day for me. I normally don't have such busy days. Tomorrow the Exfactor is coming in the morning to do the groceries and in the afternoon I have an appointment with my SPN. I need a good night's sleep and that's what I'm going to get right now. I'm going to put my pajamas on. 

Have a good night!

Ciao,

Nora

After my birthday...

The most fun about my birthday was going downtown with my sister. It rained nearly up to the time we were supposed to leave, but when it was time to go, it stopped raining and it didn't rain again for the rest of the day. We rode our bikes downtown and parked them and went to the department store where I had seen pretty cardigans advertised on television of which I wanted to get one. We were very disappointed, though, because there were only a few left and they were all in the wrong color and the wrong size, so that turned out to be a popcorn fart. Imagine the store advertising them and then being almost out of them. That's no way to keep your customers happy.

We went to another store of which I knew that they usually have something good in my size and walking around there, my sister spotted a very pretty cardigan in a lovely color in my size. I tried it on, but knew ahead of time that I was going to like it, so trying it on was merely a formality. It fit beautifully and was very flattering and matched the clothes I was wearing very well, so that's the cardigan my sister bought me. I was quite contend with that.

We went to a café on the big square and sat outside under the wide awning that had a heater built in and ordered coffee and pie. My pie had whipped cream and white chocolate and it was so good, it was like an angel walking over my tongue. It was an enormous slice and I ate it as slowly as I could, but it was too much for me to finish and I nearly passed out eating it. We had a good time, though, and chatted and watched the people walk by. There were still plenty of tourists, even though the schools and universities have started up again. People watching is such a sport, but so is chatting about everything under the sun while having a cup of coffee.

We walked through the main shopping street and said goodbye at the tourist office where my sister works and I rode my bike home, hoping I wouldn't get rained on and I didn't, because the gods were smiling on me. No doubt because it was my birthday.

The Exfactor came over and did the groceries for me and bought pastries for by the coffee and gave me my presents, one of which was a set of tennis balls with which he made Tyke very happy, because we had misplaced the one and only tennis ball he had. The Exfactor had bought me wheat bread with poppy seeds of which I had a peanut butter sandwich at night. I was so full of the pie that I couldn't eat all day. He had a pastry and I watched him eat it, with no desire to have one myself.

After the Exfactor left, my friend Lucienne came over. I had not seen her in a long time, though we talk on the phone a lot. At least once a week, if not twice. We had a good old visit and I was sorry to see her go. I may not see her again for a long time, though she is in the neighborhood quite often. She finds it hard to do things spontaneously and has to carefully plan everything. She misses out on life a lot.

I had decorated the living room with streamers and balloons that I had found when I cleaned up one of the dresser drawers. Tyke was very much interested in the balloons and I gave him one to play with. Needless to say, it burst. He was shaken by that, but when I took everything down, I gave him more balloons to play with and he did it as carefully as he could. Eventually one would burst, but he was prepared and took some pleasure in it. He thought he had killed it and went on to the next balloon. He approached them and hit them and backed off, over and over again, until they burst. It's a good way to keep your dog amused, after the initial shock.

This morning I had to go see my SPN and I was sitting there yawning and made her yawn too. I had gotten enough sleep, but I was so ready to take a nap. I wanted to curl up on the floor right there and go to sleep. We talked about me quitting smoking and how hard that was going to be, but how determined I was and how very sure I am that I am going to succeed. She'll believe that when she sees it. She has a two week vacation coming up and when I see her next I will be an ex-smoker if all goes well. On the way home, I stopped by the pharmacy and ordered a two week supply of nicotine patches. I'm starting with the highest dose and will then taper off. I will do it over a period of six weeks, I think.

I took a nap on the sofa when I got home and slept for an hour and a half and was awakened by the Exfactor who came to help me move the sofa to the hallway from where it will be picked up on Friday by the people who will take it to the dump. It is an old, worn out, ugly sofa and it is time for it to go. I have bought a new sofa and it will be delivered first thing tomorrow morning. I plan on paying it off with the money I save from not buying tobacco anymore. The new sofa is very modern and black, because Tyke is black, and it will match the rest of the interior. So needless to say, I'm very excited about that. Now all I have to do is get the living room and hallway painted and buy new curtains. I've seen those in the Ikea catalog.

Have a good rest of the day!

Ciao,
Nora

Regardless...

In spite of my intention not to be awake during the night, I find myself up and about in the early hours of the morning anyway. I had a good enough sleep, but it just wasn't a very long one. Never mind, I'm sure I will catch up again at some point. It isn't important now. What is important is that it is now officially my birthday and I have that birthday feeling too of slight excitement and anticipation at what the day will bring. I feel like a young kid and like I'm turning 12, although I don't remember my 12th birthday, so no doubt it wasn't such a big deal. I do know that I was in my first year in secondary school and that it was tough and I had to get used to it very much, but no doubt I was too young to be in it.

I'm sitting here now with my second cup of coffee, in my bathrobe, and very optimistically waiting for the real morning to start. It hasn't started raining yet like it said it would and with a little bit of luck it won't rain at all this morning, which would be fortuitous if I'm to go downtown this morning. It's supposed to rain in the southwest first and then slowly come over here. It depends of your interpretation of slowly. I don't mind getting wet on the way home, I can get dried off once I get there. It's when I go there that I don't want to get wet. There's nothing more miserable than walking around downtown soaking wet.

I can't wait to pick out my present, especially since I possibly know what it is going to be and hoping I can find it. I will walk straight into the store to the right department and pick out the right size and color. Then we're going to have coffee and then my sister has to go to work.

I've turned 56 today, but except for the traces my age has left on my body, the number is meaningless. I feel as young as I did when I was in my 30's and in many ways I have not aged, though I must add that I have grown wiser and would not want to lose that wisdom that has been hard to come by. It's ironic that I should grow sage when I'm in my 50's while other people have managed that much earlier, but maybe they have not gone through the School of Hard Knocks. Or maybe they were not as backward and naive as I was. I seem to make discoveries about myself and life that I should have made much sooner and I'm glad I'm making them now, but I should have known these thing much earlier in life. I could have saved myself much trouble.

Nevertheless, I know them now and I hope I get to apply them for another 30 years or so. Long enough to make it worthwhile anyway. I do hope to do some good with it. Even if it's just for the sake of myself. I do hope to live to a healthy ripe old age and gain some good experiences out of life. One thing I think I'm saved of, and that is that I will grow old as a bitter woman. There was some danger of that at one point, but I'm not worried about that anymore. I'm not bitter at this point and see no reason to be so in the future. I hope that stays that way. It's best if I keep living my life my own way, according to my own rules.

So much philosophizing so early in the morning. I told you that's when I'm at my best. Any endeavor I start, I should start at this time of the day. That's when it should be most successful. I can imagine that if I had the space and the materials, I would create the best works of art now. But that's just speculation. The proof would be in the pudding and there is no pudding until I get the opportunity.

I haven't heard anything about the creative and music classes yet, but I was not expecting to. There are the waiting lists and I haven't been on them very long. I will call in a month and make sure they haven't forgotten about me. I'm sure the system works and I have nothing to worry about. One of these days there will be a letter in the mail.

It's amazingly cold for how warm it is supposed to be in here and I wonder if the thermostat is telling me the right temperature or if it is an optimistically tuned one. Maybe it is hanging in a warm pocket of air. Maybe I have to calculate in the draft chill factor. I have socks on and haven't been without for three days. I even wear them in bed, because it's chilly under the duvet at night. I lie there and wait for my space to get warmed up and avoid the cold places. It would be worse with cold feet, but I have notoriously cold feet. That's okay, I'd rather not be warmed up like an oven in bed, which is the problem when you sleep with someone else. That's only good in really cold winters when the ice is on the windows and that never happens, knock on wood.

I'm amazingly free of anxiety. I'm full of good cheer and I'm looking forward to the day. When I was cleaning out the dresser drawers, I found stuff to decorate the room with for a birthday and I just may do that today. I can at least blow up the balloons and Tyke can play with them afterwards. No doubt he'll pop every one of them, but that will be part of the fun. I'm going to look at those items now.

Have a splendid day. I wish you could all come over to help me celebrate.

Ciao,
Nora

A short nap...

I took a short nap after dinner and now feel completely refreshed and ready to enjoy the rest of the evening. I can't go to bed too late, though, because tomorrow morning I have to go downtown with my sister and pick out my birthday present. I already know what I want, because I saw it advertised on TV, and I hope I find it in the right size and color. I'll tell you about it when I have it.

Tyke is sitting on the dining table looking out the window. He came and asked for approval before he did so and now he's being very good. The domestic help brought him a stubby, squeaky, rubber ball today and he has had the most fun playing with it. It's made him happy all afternoon and he takes it with him wherever he goes. I've only had to retrieve it from beneath the sofa 3 times. That's very good. It means he's keeping good track of it. I would have had to retrieve the tennis ball many more times. We are very grateful to the domestic help.

I slept late this morning and didn't get dressed until noontime. At least I knew which clothes I was going to wear. I was so very comfortable in my bed and then, of course, I had to leisurely drink my coffee, which will be a thing of the past once I quit smoking. I will not leisurely drink coffee anymore, but just have a cup in a hurry. I will have to change some of my habits and leisurely sitting around will be one of them. I'm sure I will be more active and I will have to find all sorts of things to do to keep myself busy. Maybe I'll paint the living room and the hallway.

I didn't take one moment to sit down in my armchair to read today. It is a real ritual that I have to perform, because usually I don't sit there. I have to get my book and my reading glasses and my glass of milk. Then I have to get my cigarettes and lighter and ashtray and the pillow to lean against. I really have to settle in and I didn't give myself the chance to do that today. I don't know how I did pass the time of day, but of course I was asleep for a large part of it.

At least the reading ritual will be simplified a lot once I've quit smoking. I won't have to bother with half of it once I do. I do want to put the emphasis on that for myself. My life is going to be a lot simpler when I've quit smoking because now I have to always calculate the chance to have a cigarette into everything I do and there are so many times when having a cigarette is not such an easy thing to do. The world is not smoker's friendly anymore and I'm certainly not going to allow anyone to smoke inside my apartment once I've quit smoking. There is no place for smokers. They pollute other peoples' air and it makes their world very small if they don't want to and they can't consciously. I'm glad I don't live in the 70's anymore when everybody smoked and it was normal to smoke inside wherever you were and it would have been frowned upon to ask someone to go outside and do it. I also want to keep discussing my plan to quit so that it will be a natural thing when I actually do.

I got the new Ikea catalog in the mail today and I'm going to sit down when I have a chance and look through it thoroughly. I can't wait to see what's in it. I know there is a nice smallish sized bookcase in it, because I've already looked that up on the website and it's not too expensive. I may get that once my bookcase is full, which it almost is. I'm expecting 9 books from Bookmooch in the mail and those will take up a bit of space. The bookcase I saw is quite nice and I know just where to place it. I do have room for it. I have some of my older books in my bedroom on the bookshelf there, but I was looking at them today and some of them are nice enough to have in the living room. It's just for lack of space that they are in the bedroom. I want to have all my fiction in one place and all the reference books in another, so I'm going to make some changes as soon as I have the chance.

It's supposed to start raining tonight and rain tomorrow too. I actually don't hope so if I'm going out in the morning. The Exfactor is also supposed to come over and a friend of mine is coming over in the afternoon. The Exfactor is going to do the groceries and I need him to get some pastries to have with the coffee. Rain is not welcome tomorrow and hopefully there will only be occasional showers. I usually like rain, so it's very contradictory of me to not want any now, but I usually don't have to go out in it. See how selfish it is of me to change my mind like that. People for the most part are very egocentric. There's always a core of self interest in everything we choose or wish for. Most of us aren't nearly as altruistic as we'd like to believe we are.

It's time for me to go to bed, even though I'm not that tired yet and I could do ten other things instead. The problem is that I need to get up on time in the morning and I do want to get enough sleep. I sure hope that I don't make the mistake of getting up in the middle of the night. I have to stay in bed and sleep and will have to figure out a way to. I will have to show some self discipline, if I have any, that is. Sure I do. I'm quitting smoking, aren't I? You need backbone for that.

Sleep tight, goodnight,

Ciao,
Nora

Feeling groovy...

I got up after having gone to bed early and Tyke thought that was a sign of action and started to get all excited. I had to ignore him and wait for him to settle down again, which he has now done and he is asleep on the sofa. I don't know why he thinks all sorts of things are going to happen in the middle of the night, because they never do. All I do is give him a rawhide chewy and hope he settles down again. He's a darn stubborn dog with a one track mind. It's stuck on having fun.

I was asleep under my nice clean sheets, but woke up nevertheless and had to get up. There was no sense in lying in bed waiting for sleep to come again. It will take a while for it to return. I don't mind and gladly get up for this middle of the night interlude. I will do my real sleeping when I go back to bed. What I've done now is take a long nap.

I've given it some thought and have decided to stop smoking. It's taking too much of my budget every month and I can use the money for other things. I will order nicotine patches at the pharmacy and finish up my tobacco that I still have and then quit smoking. For some reason I'm not at all fazed by this and I think that I can do it. I have a tremendous amount of confidence in myself and think that I will succeed.

It will mean that I and my apartment will no longer smell of smoke and that things will no longer get grimy because of it. I will be able to launder everything and have it smell fresh and apply air freshener to everything else. I'll get rid of the ashtrays that are always so smelly and I will be able to paint the living room and the hallway without having them turn brown again. And in the wintertime I will be able to close the windows without having the place smell bad. There are so many pros to quitting and there are so many cons to smoking, but the money is a big motivating factor. It's wasted now and that is a shame. It's going up in smoke, quite literally.

So that is my big resolution.

I had a quiet day yesterday. I didn't do anything exciting but change the bed and do a load of laundry that I forgot to hang up to dry, because there was till laundry hanging to dry on the rack in the bathroom. I have to take that down first and may do that in a while. There will be nice clean clothes there as well that will be tempting to put on in the morning. I can't wait.

I spent the afternoon watching a boring baseball game and reading my novel. The baseball game was truly boring and doesn't match up to American baseball and seems kind of amateurish in comparison. These guys could not play in the big league. I also watched some of La Vuelta, and that was a little bit more exciting. At least you get to see the scenery come by as the racers climb the mountains.

My book is good. There are some very dicey parts in it that I was not expecting and make it more than a feel good novel. I don't quite know how to deal with these elements in this book. They seem out of place and interfere with the happy ending that I assumed there would be. It's a bit more complicated than that and for some people life seems awfully unfair and very traumatic. I need to keep on reading to see how this resolves itself. If it does.

I walked Tyke in the fall sunshine and the somewhat chilly wind. I did wear a jacket, although it was a pretty day. Walking with Tyke is a hurry up and stop exercise, just like it used to be with Jesker. Tyke's always finding interesting places to examine for a long time and then suddenly runs off to the next place. He has unbounded energy and I have to keep up with him.

I just realized that I forgot to put the trash out and I wonder if I will do it now that it is in the middle of the night. It's kind of scary to go out there. I don't really have a full bag and it can wait until next week, I suppose. I won't be awake on time in the morning before they come to pick it up at 6 am.

I have to mail three books tomorrow for Bookmooch. I want to do that in the morning before the domestic help gets here, so I can't sleep too late. I do have to get up at a decent time. I'm sure I will not have to set my alarm clock but wake up on my own and get out of bed if I'm motivated enough. I'm going to have tea in the morning, because I'm almost out of coffee and the Exfactor is not going grocery shopping until Tuesday. He'll also come bearing gifts for my birthday. I asked for tennis balls for Tyke to play with. We've misplaced the one he had and he misses it a lot.

The try at the formation of the right wing coalition has failed and a lot of us are very much relieved. Now we start all over again and another sort of coalition will be attempted. All sorts are possible, but it will not be a right wing one, those chances are gone. Parties to the left will have to be involved and that will be much healthier and truer to the outcome of the elections. We can only keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best possible outcome. The government agreement has to be fair to the greatest amount of people and not just to an elite few at the top. It's not the little people who should pay the price for the economic situation, which is how the right wing coalition would have wanted it. It smacked of American republicanism, to tell you the truth. I don't think we want that kind of situation in this country. I'm more bound and determined to always vote socialistic as I see it as the fairest system for everyone in general.

Enough politics. I don't want to alienate anyone with my personal opinions. This is supposed to be a lighthearted blog.

I'm sitting in my bathrobe, drinking a glass of milk. It's 21C in here and the windows are still open at the top, although it is 11C outside. Isn't it amazing how warm it stays in here? I haven't had the heater on yet and will not for a long time. We're not expecting rain until Tuesday and today it is going to be 21C and sunshiny. I've got the perfect outfit for that kind of weather.

I love to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the kind of clothes I'm going to wear because it makes me happy. I do so because I think I will look pretty, assuming somewhere along the line that I'm not this middle aged woman with this less than perfect body, but a tall woman who looks good in her well chosen clothes. I have all sorts of illusions that I'm more than happy to live with and that don't need to be burst like bubbles or pretty colored balloons. I'm happy to live with my self image, which is good and which I never test to reality, because there's no such thing. There's only the concept of self and that's all that counts.

I'm not nearly ready to go to bed and I think I will hang up the laundry. I'm afraid my schedule is turned upside down. I'm awake for the better part of the night and getting sleepy towards the morning. I feel alive during the night and enjoy myself too much. My mind is keener and I feel better. Possibly my ancestors were nocturnal. Maybe they were pub crawlers and didn't come home until the wee hours of the morning.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

A brand new day.

I'm just finishing my first cup of coffee and trying to properly wake up. I'm convincing myself that I am awake enough to write this post, that I have to in order to get my mind functioning well. I am sure there is some truth to that. I was so befuddled when I woke up, that I thought I would never think straight again. Instead of thinking that this was a mood, though, I realized that it was a temporary condition that would wear off as I woke up more and got my mind together, and that all the things I was worrying about would disappear as soon as I was released from my temporary state of mind. I have to have faith in myself and sometimes I am mighty short of that.

So, I'm not going to take anything too seriously right now and just let things be and not pay too much attention to them. I'll have another look at them in an hour or so when I have settled down more. In the meantime I can have another cup of coffee and enjoy the quietness of the morning, because Tyke is asleep by my feet and the cats are otherwise occupied.

Several times during the night Tyke climbed on top of me and licked my face and settled down to sleep there. He is quite heavy when you have him lying on your chest, but I didn't want to move him, because I found it very endearing. I just had to remember to breathe, but I did go back to sleep each time. In between those episodes, there were cats lying on top of me, but they were much lighter, I hardly noticed them. I am glad that I am so popular with the animals, at least as an object to lie down on. They probably love me too, but have an awkward way of showing it sometimes.

I tried to sleep in my bed last night, but for Tyke it was just an opportunity to explore the bedroom and get into all the things I had not thought of moving up higher on the bookcases. Every time I got up and moved the next thing, he found something else that was equally interesting. I finally gave up and moved to the sofa. Today I will have to move things in the bedroom and make it full proof so that there's nothing left for him to get into. He's surprisingly innovative, though, and can get to things that I think are impossible to get to. Well, I never did say that I wanted a dull dog, did I?

He's supposed to be eating his breakfast now, but is continually distracted by the world around him and, because I'm not sitting there with him, it's going to take him forever to finish what's in his bowl. I don't feel like sitting there with him until he's done. I think he needs to be able to eat on his own. Right now what motivates him is the chance that a cat may try to eat from his bowl, especially Toby. He minds it less if Gandhi does it, but it still will get him to eat... Well, I just gave in and sat with him and got him to eat some more, but I put the rest back in the bag, because he was not interested. He does have to know that there's a limited time he can eat in. He ate about half of it. Maybe that was enough.

Today is his birthday. He is one year old. Too bad he wouldn't know why he got a cupcake with a candle on it. To him it's just a day like any other day and I can't sing 'Happy Birthday' to him, because he won't have a clue.

All this talk about Tyke would have you think that he's somebody important in my life. I guess you would be right, because things do revolve around him right now. He's such a little ball of life and busyness that it's hard to ignore him.

The Exfactor is supposed to come by today and that will be very nice, as I'm out of supplies and I need someone to do groceries for me. My sister is working this week and is leaving for Italy for a week on Saturday, so I'm on my own. This is one of the reasons why I'm so nervous. I have some administrative work to take care of also and I'm not looking forward to it. It has to do with taxes and who ever liked taking care of that? It gives me a stomachache just thinking about it. I find it very difficult to take care of these things and can't bear the responsibility. I find it hard enough to take care of the day to day living. I really need someone beside me to take care of these things. Sometimes it's very difficult to be single.

Well, I suppose I'm wide awake now, so there's no more dawdling to be done. I must get the show on the road. I will look at my paperwork first.

Have a good stress free day. May all the Gods be kind to you.

Ciao,
Nora

In the middle of the night...

I am wide awake. I fell asleep on the sofa yesterday evening and then moved to my bed at eleven o'clock, but I just woke up again, ready to start the day that isn't even remotely here yet. I guess it's going to be one of those mixed up nights again. I'm not concerned about it, because I don't have to be anywhere today, except for the pharmacy where I have to pick up some medications and I can do that at any time.

Yesterday was a nice enough day as birthdays go, but I suddenly hit a low point at about seven o'clock in the evening. My mood tumbled down and I became sad and disheartened. I knew the thing to do was to go to sleep, so I ate some dinner and put on my pajamas and laid down on the sofa, where I promptly fell asleep. It was the best thing I could have done and when I woke up at eleven, and I still felt that way, the best thing to do was to take my medicines and to go to bed. I didn't even bother reading my book and just went straight to sleep.

I think any event, no matter how big or little, has a tendency to upset me and throw me off balance and I guess certainly my birthday did, although I was happy about it during the day, so even happy events can be upsetting. I felt as if I suddenly became depressed, but that mood is gone and now I feel pretty neutral, which in itself is an odd thing, because how can you feel neutral about anything? That means you don't feel one way or the other. Still, it's better than feeling depressed.

I bought an apple pie and chocolate chip cupcakes yesterday, because my nephew doesn't like pie. I also bought him a bottle of diet coke, which I now have to finish and that is a real sacrifice. The apple pie was delicious, which I knew it would be, because the store is well known for them. I also did the grocery shopping at the same time and it wasn't all that bad. It was busy in the store but the lines weren't too long and I was done in no time. Which goes to show you that what you dread to do is never as bad as you think it will be.

My sister got me a hardbound Inspector Linley novel and the Exfactor got me a very good bicycle tire pump, the kind that stands up. He says I've got another present coming at the end of the week, so I'm looking forward to that. My oldest sister sent me money and she doesn't half know how welcome that is, because I now have 50 Euros in cash. That's a lot of cash for me and is a week's worth of groceries. When you're on a low budget, that counts.

My cups of coffee are tasting especially good right now. I just made my second one and it turned out just right. I also took a tranquilizer about an hour ago to get rid of the stress I felt, even though I at first was not aware of it. I so often feel stress without realizing it, until I pay attention to myself and feel that my body is tensed up and that my jaw is tight. When I take a tranquilizer, everything relaxes after awhile, and includes the softening of my thoughts, which is very welcome. It's like a load is removed from my shoulders and everything is so much easier.

My sister called my attention to the fact that the dog has gotten fat and she is right, he is overweight, but I had already started to cut down on his food, so hopefully that will help. He is getting half the portion of canned food that he was getting and he is not complaining, so he is getting enough food. He was most likely getting too much to eat before.

I am going to two more ergo therapy sessions. Then I will have my meeting with my therapists and my SPN and I will start the new creative therapy class. I think that's fair enough and two more sessions are okay. It also gives me a chance to say my proper goodbyes to the group, of which there are only three original people left that I started out with. You do become attached to them, but I will still see them at the clinic during coffee breaks. I am looking forward to the creative therapy class on Wednesdays, which is a different one than I go to on Mondays and Fridays, so I will learn different techniques there.

I finished the first painting and I took a photo of it, but I haven't downloaded it yet, so I can't show you it. I will in good time. I've started another one on a new canvas and I've got most of it drawn on there already. I knew what I was doing this time and the scale is a little bit better, I think, although my therapist said it is fine in the first one and when I was done with it, someone wanted to buy it, but I said no. She didn't say how much she wanted to pay for it and if she had offered a 100 Euros, I would have said yes. I don't come cheap.

I'm looking forward to the day when I can buy some frames for some of my collages. I want to frame at least two of them and hang them up in the living room. I've already picked out the ones I want to do. It will be nice having them up and being able to look at them every day, and to think, "Yes, I've made those and I'm happy with them." That's a satisfaction I can't wait for.

I hope you all have a very good day filled with good and satisfying events. I'm hoping for a day filled with serenity myself.

Ciao...

Early Sunday Morning...

I spend a long time each morning taking care of my emails. It's a pleasant occupation and I never get bored with it. It's a good way to start the day and a good exercise for my brain. Some of them are facebook notifications and they are always fun, as they take me from one subject to another and I have to be on my toes and respond to all the different types of comments. The other emails are comments on my blog posts, or responses to my comments on the comments. I hope I still make sense. Either way, I have to switch from one subject to the next and I like to think that these mental acrobatics keep my mind lively and that I will stay alert better for a longer period of my life. Especially if I keep doing this as I grow older.

No doubt this thought is inspired by the fact that I'm turning 55 tomorrow and, although it doesn't seem to me like such a very old age, I am aware of the fact that I need to keep mentally active and always challenge myself. I've seen the slow decline of age in other people and it seemed to come with a certain amount of lack of mental challenges and an overall laziness of the mind, when they couldn't be bothered with how a computer worked or how a cash machine and blamed the machine for their frustrations. I don't want to fall into that kind of trap.

Well, you scratch the surface and what do you find? A woman who is worried about growing older and I didn't think I was, because whatever age I am, I always think it's still young enough. I just have a bad memory sometimes, but I've had that for a long time, so I should not worry about it.

Another thing, just when I was boasting yesterday about not taking naps during the day, I took one in the afternoon. It was very pleasant and really belonged to the tradition of weekend napping. I laid down on the sofa and pushed my face down into the pillow of the armrest and was asleep in no time, totally oblivious of everything around me. This didn't prevent me from sleeping very well last night and, although I read my book for a while, I was gone from this world in the shortest amount of time.

So, you can never say that you'll never do something again or that you always do something, because life is unpredictable and your body has a mind of its own. Well, it really and truly does, doesn't it?

I'm going to spend the day getting this apartment in order, because tomorrow my sister and my nephew and the Exfactor are coming over to help me celebrate my birthday. I must get this place cleaned up, although it isn't in that bad a shape. I do need to vacuum and dust and water the plants. I think I will make a list of chores to do and check them off as I do them. That way I will see the progress and it will be a more rewarding exercise.

I keep trying to see the positive sides of whatever sort of events take place in my life, no matter how insignificant and instead of only living in the moment, I'm trying to look ahead a little bit and project myself into the near future. This is not something I have been doing, as I've only lived from one day to the next and have hardly given tomorrow a thought, let alone the days after that. I'm starting to think about next week now and maybe even the week after that, although this is still very tenuous.

I feel that today is still within my control and maybe the day after that too, but when you get beyond that I don't know how much control I have over the events, although I could have more control if I planned things better. It all depends on how much I am willing to face up to what is coming up, instead of ignoring what may happen. In a way, I'm a procrastinator and hope for things to resolve themselves before we get to the point that I have to. Very often they do with a little help from me, I admit.

I thought I was like a Buddhist by living in the moment, but actually I was living in denial of all sorts of realities by pushing them away and sending them underground to my subconscious. I try not to do that anymore now and to stop and pay attention to what I feel and think about, especially when it regards my future.

I'm very much aware that I have to find my value as a human being in very small and not so very significant things, at least relatively insignificant things if you compare them to what is significant in this society, but I have a high enough opinion of myself that I will be able to do that. I don't have to have a successful career and make a lot of money to prove my worth. My aim is to be able to live with myself in the most comfortable way possible, without causing myself mental pain and agony and to find peace and serenity and a stable frame of mind. If I manage that I will have come very far in this life. How I go about achieving that will be a subject of discussion on the meeting with my therapists on the 21st of this month.

It's very funny how I always get bogged down in a serious subject, isn't it? It's second nature to me. I always have to air my ponderings and make them public to somehow give them more value and authority. I probably should have been a religious leader and I would have led my flock with a daily sermon. No, the power would have gone to my head and I would have made a shambles of it, as do so many of them. Who do they think they are anyway to preach their word at a group of followers who believe in them?

I hope you all have a nice Sunday. Honor the day and don't make too many efforts.

Ciao...

I didn't...

I didn't hang up the sheets to dry yesterday. I didn't wash the dog's blanket either and I didn't apply flea drops. Don't ask me why I failed to do these things. Well, yes, ask me. I had a mild case of anxiety and it got in the way of me and I was unable to get out from underneath it, so I finally caved in and took 10 mg of Oxazepam, which is my tranquilizer and a very low dose. I watched television then and after a while I felt better and was more relaxed again. So it seems that the tranquilizers do still have their place in my life and I had to admit that to myself and made peace with it.

I dozed on the sofa and when it was time, I put on my pajamas and took the rest of my medication and then went to sleep on the sofa for the night, because I had a hunkering to sleep there and not in my bed. I felt a bit claustrophobic the last time I slept in my bed and I thought I would see how it was to sleep on the sofa, which I hadn't done in a while. Well yes, when Joost was here. I had forgotten about that. It seems like such a long time ago, but it was only a few weeks.

I didn't have any blankets over me and woke up in the middle of the night kind of chilly, but I wrapped my arms around myself and went back to sleep. I kept the television turned on low and was aware of the sound, but not directly of what the voices said, so they did not penetrate my dreams. It does make you sleep restlessly, though, and I should have gotten up to turn the television off, but I didn't want to be bothered. Those were a few movements to many.

Jesker was confused at one point and went to sleep in the bedroom. He came back after a while and slept beside me on the area rug. There was a cat laying on top of me, but when I turned over to get comfortable, she disappeared, which was good, because it was not working out well with her bony elbows in my ribs.

When I got up this morning, I was a little bit sore from having lain there. The sofa doesn't quite support my back as well as the mattress, but the soreness disappeared after I was up for a while. I turned the computer on to check my emails and spent some time petting Jesker who was in great need of a cuddle.

After I answered my emails, I shut the computer off and washed my hair, which was totally smashed on one side and sticking up very funky on the other. That's what you get when you very liberally apply wax and hairspray. It does molest your hair when you sleep on it. After I washed and dried it, I pushed it into place with more wax and hairspray and got it just right, to my amazement. Sometimes that just happens. It's when, by some miracle, you do exactly the right things.

I walked Jesker and made some cigarettes and then it was time for my appointment with my SPN. I rode my bike over there in a hard wind, but my hair could not be blown out of place and I arrived in one piece, as put together as when I left the apartment.

I told my SPN about the Oxazepam that I had taken and that sometimes, at the end of the afternoon, I feel a bit anxious and I have a harder time settling down and I find it difficult to soothe myself and to get myself in a good place where I'm relaxed and calm and serene and at ease. Actually, I'm a bit of a ball of nerves then, though it is not as bad as could be expected.

So I asked her if I could have a supply of tranquilizers that I could take as needed with a daily limit put on it that I would not exceed. She thought that might be a good idea after she asked me how I dealt with the anxiety, and called my psychiatrist and put the question to him. He agreed also and thought that was a good idea, considering I was coming off such a huge dose, so about 5 minutes later he walked into the office with a prescription for 1 tablet 4 times a day if needed.

He also told me, that while my SPN is on holiday for ten days, he is at all times available to me for the least little thing, no matter how unimportant I think it is. He says it's better to call, than not to call.

So I'm very much put at ease by that affirmation and by the tranquilizers, which I picked up at the pharmacy on my way home. It's good to know that there are people out there keeping an eye on me and who I can turn to should there be a need. I'm very much strengthened by the knowledge that I have the tranquilizers and I took one when I got home, because of the deep and reflective nature of the talk that my SPN and I had about my early childhood and how my character was then and how that compares to me now. It seems that I haven't changed very much, except for becoming more mature and wiser. I'm still a person of extremes as I've always been.

So, I hadn't hung up the laundry outside and now I'm too late, because it's raining. There's a nice steady down pour, which I enjoy, and I've already walked Jesker, so it's okay. Let it pour. I hope the laundry on the rack in the bathroom is dry, so I can hang the sheets to dry there.

I'm supposed to do my sets of three chores today, so I'm mentally preparing myself for that. It takes a little courage to get started, although I already opened the mail, but it was not a lot. There is one thing I need to call about, but there is no rush. I hardly feel any pressure. Which is good, because the tranquilizer is working and I don't think I'm capable of performing in any complicated way. Just imagine that I used to take so many of these. I don't know how I functioned before.

It's a good thing I haven't bothered to wash the windows on the outside, because it would have been a complete waste of time. Isn't that very convenient for me? Rain will cover up the grime, at least until the weather turns dry again. Then I'll have to get busy and clean them before the Fall starts, there's no more time to put it off. Maybe I can talk the Exfactor into helping me with the windows in the back. I figure it's still his dirt too and I've been nice about it. Or is that not good reasoning?

I'm turning 55 next week. I think it's one heck of a birthday, bigger than turning 50. There must be all sorts of benefits attached to turning 55, but I haven't heard about any of them yet. I hope to get some nice information about it in the mail. You always hear so much about being 55+. At least in this country you do. I want to reap the rewards and get all sorts of discounts. I'm counting on it.

Well, I suppose I'll start on my sets of chores now. I'll have to pull myself away from the computer with some effort. It isn't easy when you have an addiction, as you will all know. First I'm going to open the back door and the kitchen window to let some fresh air in.

Hope you are having a good day so far. I'm having a splendid one myself looking through rose tinted glasses.

Ciao...

Tuesday after an interesting day...

Well, I say it's been an interesting day, but don't get your hopes up too high, it was only a little bit interesting, a teeny tiny bit interesting in a very minimalistic way.

I woke up two minutes before 9 am when the alarm clock was set to go off, so that was good timing on my part and left me with an hour to wake up and make cigarettes while I drank coffee and smoked some. Then I got in a rush and got dressed and made up and walked the dog and medicated him and then, to make it really exciting, I had some more coffee, al the while looking at the clock to see how close I could cut it.

I got to therapy with five minutes to spare, but got me an espresso anyway and had that out on the deck where everybody else was congregating, because the weather was super nice. That made everybody late for their therapies, but what the heck, when the sun shines, it is hard to get us inside. Especially as I was standing in the dappled shade, which was very pleasant and is cast by a very tall birch tree.

I got my doodle out and some new paper and measured off an new rectangle with a border around it and lots of people kept saying how much they liked the one I did, making me feel a tiny bit bashful, but only a tiny bit. I like praise just as much as the next person.

This time I'm making my doodle right side up, I mean standing up on its short side and I'm letting some of the drawing stick out over the border, so it is not completely contained. It's going quickly this time, because I know what I'm doing, which is make a series of three similar doodles that I will hang up together over my bed.

I found a thicker black marker to fill in the darker areas, which is saving me some work. I was messing around with that thin black pen and it was very frustrating to color anything black.

Soon enough, it was time for our break and we spend our time either on the deck or in the break room, depending on what we have to discuss with each other. Sometimes we don't want the whole world to listen in and we separate ourselves from the crowd. We do that when we have serious discussions about what goes on in the group.

I asked to speak to the ergo therapist and was able to have a short discussion with her by ourselves. I unloaded myself about the past Wednesday and all the things that had bothered me about that one particular person in the group and I was the second person to do so, but we're not the only ones walking around with pent up feelings. Now we'll have to wait and see where the ship runs ashore.

The second half of creative therapy went fine. A huge amount of quiet always hangs in the room as everyone works on their project. We hardly speak and it is very pleasant to sit there in solitude and do your work. The time goes by very quickly, though, and before you know it, it is time to clean up.

When I got home, I called a florist in my home town to order a bouquet of flowers for my older sister whose birthday it is Friday. Then I walked the dog and payed a bill and saw that my bank balance is quickly dwindling, because my rent payment had been withdrawn. I am still waiting for my annual vacation money, because I have a big bill to pay and I can't pay it until the money gets here. I'll have to call about it tomorrow.

I also called for my gastric band. The obesitas specialist who has been taking care of me, has moved to a different hospital in another town and I tried to make an appointment with his replacement. It turns out that they don't really have a replacement for him yet, but that several surgeons are taking his place and since I'm calling about getting my gastric band filled, possibly, one of the surgeons is going to do a telephone consultation with me Thursday next week and set up an appointment to get the gastric band filled.

I've been drinking multi vitamin juice and warm low fat milk and eating raisin bread and I've lost two kilos since I've started complaining about my weight. That's something anyway. I want to loose a lot more before the phone call. I've got a good week left and a good goal. I think I can manage that. If I want to reach my end weight, I have to loose 12 kilos. That doesn't sound like such an unsurmountable task.

Which means that I will be talking about my weight a lot in this blog, like I did in the beginning when I first had my gastric band. I know that gets tedious, but it really helped me to make my progress public and I have been silent about it long enough out of shame. I now weigh 97.7 kilos and what I want to weigh is 85 kilos. At least, that's what the obesitas specialist said that I should realistically aim for. That would make me an American size 14, or a Dutch size 44, and I think that's not bad.

I was supposed to go grocery shopping today, but in the end I didn't have the energy or the wherewithal to go. I don't like to go shopping at the end of the day when I'm tired and not at my best. We'll have to make do with what's in the cupboards and the refrigerator. A little bit of imagination goes a long way.

It's amazing how quickly your stomach gets used to eating smaller amounts of food. Here I was stuffing myself with bowls of porridge and now I've done none of that for a number of days and I don't get that hungry feeling like I did before. A glass of juice or warm milk is very satisfying and gets me over that - 'wanting to have something good feeling.'

So, I've snapped out of the - 'stuffing my face period' and all because I went public with it on this blog. If you own up to things to your friends, you suddenly get a lot of common sense. It's when you do things secretly, that they hurt you the most.

It's been a warm sunny day with temperatures well into the 20's. You all know how to convert by now, don't you? Tomorrow it is going to be much colder and cloudy and I'll need to wear warmer clothes. I'll have to have a good look in my closet in a while to see what I can conjure up. I think I'll wear gray leggings and a black and white and gray summer dress with a long sleeved gray stretch T-shirt underneath and some interesting necklaces. I always count on my necklaces to finish the outfit. Boots or no boots? Mmm...

Well, that's all I wrote. I think it's enough. You can see my frame of mind is well enough today, so we'll compare it to tomorrow at 6 pm then. I'll probably be all beat up again, but I'll sleep well. Not that I'm not doing that now, of course.

Have a wonderful evening and I hope you all feel good inside your bodies, whatever shape they're in.

Ciao...

Dinnertime, but who cares?

It's been a fun day. I think I deserve all the fun days I can get, so I'm going to make it a point to have as many of them as I can, seeing as though I can fill them with both functionality and amusement.

The day started of rather good, because I woke up to late and wasn't going to make it to ergo therapy on time. Once I realized that, I didn't bother to rush, but got ready in my own sweet time, because I do require my coffee and cigarettes to start the day with at a leisurely pace. Then I did all the things that I needed to get done in the morning, like making sure I looked good and taking my medicines and walking the dog and having a final cup of coffee and then, and only then, I went on my merry way, which meant I got to therapy 25 minutes late, but I was excused and caught up very quickly with the assignment at hand.

We made circles that we divided into segments of how we filled our days with different activities, be they hobbies, resting, working or socializing and the different things that would fit into those categories. First we had to make one knowingly and then we had to put that one to the side and make one based on our feelings. In other words, what we felt we really spent most of our time doing. Sometimes the size of the segments in these two circles differed very much from each other.

Then we had to divide a circle into segments of things we wanted to do, we had to do, we were allowed to do and we could do. My circle was only divided into two segments, what I wanted to do and what I had to do. I found the other two options too abstract and almost poetic in their meaning.

Anyway, huge discussions evolved out of these circles and the meaning of the different segments to everyone. We laughed and cried and agreed and disagreed, until I realized that I had taken on the role of therapist and was analyzing everybody's segments and not minding my own business well enough and being miss know it all, and before I realized it, I said, "I think I am a bit hypomanic right now," and the real therapist said, "I agree with you, you are awfully busy, you need to go home and take a break and rest."

Little did she know that there was no chance of that this afternoon, because when I got home, I had to walk the dog immediately and go to the store to buy the Exfactor's birthday presents. When I got home, I had to wrap them and when I was done, my sister picked me up with the dog to take him to the dog salon, and we had such an intense and interesting discussion that we drove the wrong way and had to back up several miles to get back to the point where we were going.

Dropped the dog off and headed home again where my sister handed me the car keys and left the car so that the Exfactor and I could pick the dog up when he was done. Then the Exfactor came bearing a load of laundry and some birthday cake, which was very good, it was mocha and yellow cake with chocolate. Mmm, delicious. We ate everything and had a good conversation until it was time to get the dog and when we got to the dog salon, the dog looked like a plucked chicken and I couldn't stop looking at him. But he was very clean and smelled good and was happy to see us.

We dropped the car off at my sister's and walked home with the freshly plucked dog, who had to pee on every tree and bush to establish himself again in the neighborhood and the Exfactor wondered what the neighbors would think if they saw us together walking the dog and I said, "What do you care, it doesn't matter one bit."

He was happy with his presents, which included a pair of jeans, because I still knew his size and got them for a bargain. One thing a man always needs is a good pair of jeans and the Exfactor always needs them.

Unluckily for him, when the laundry was done, and he was getting ready to leave, it started to rain again, after it had not done so all day. He was on his motorcycle and dressed for the cold, so hopefully he didn't get too wet. He wore a big old leather jacket and huge boots and big gloves. I'm so glad I never have to get on the back of that thing again. I don't know why I ever put up with it. Talk about freezing your buns off. And the hairdo!

So, I haven't had a break and I haven't had any rest, but sitting here behind the computer is the next best thing that I know of and I fits me fine. I have slowed down a bit now after putting the brakes on emotionally and keeping myself in check. I can, up to a point, calm myself down by being very aware of what I do and how I react.

I didn't realize how fat the dog is. I mean, he has always been overweight, but now with all that hair gone, you really see his lardy rear end and his beer belly. He looks like he is a round sausage with a pointy head. You can hardly take him out in public this way. People will fall over laughing. And then he's got these two enormous testicles hanging there too. Really, what a sight. My sister in law asked me once, "Is your dog a girl?" I said, "Really, have a close look between his legs, you can't miss them. They're pretty hefty."

I don't know if he's ever made love to a girl dog. I hope for him that he has, because I don't think he'll get the opportunity now. He doesn't have any papers, although he is a purebred. But who would want an almost 12 year old dog to sire puppies? It may give him a heart attack anyway. All that excitement.

Well, so much for my rambles for now. I must go and read blogs and walk the dog when it is dry. And eat, I must not forget to eat.

Ciao...

Later when I should be going to bed...

I have been sitting here very cozily reading blogs and comments and commenting on blogs myself. I have a keyboard that I'm not happy with, as they keys are hard to push down and feel as if they get stuck half way down, so they don't move smoothly. It is very frustrating, because very often I think I have typed a letter when I have not, or I have typed it twice, because I wanted to make sure I typed it at all. So what I need to do is buy a new keyboard as soon as I have some extra money. I know they aren't that expensive, so I'll go to some mega computer store and get one there.

I was busy getting ready to go this morning at 9 AM and 5 minutes later the phone rang. It was my SPN wondering where I was and I said that I was getting ready for our appointment at 10 AM, but she said our appointment had been for 9 AM. Oops. So we made it a telephone appointment instead and that worked halfway decently also.

I wanted to make one thing very clear to her and that was that since the increase in my antipsychotic medication, I feel more normal than I usually do. I feel more normal than I do at any other given time. There are no gray areas, no border areas in which I think a mood can go either way and when I am in doubt about myself as to what my feelings are doing with me. I feel much more solid about myself and steady as a whole and not so rocky like I have a tendency to feel sometimes. It's like I have smooth sailing now all day long and I sleep much better too.

She asked me a lot of questions, trying to get a handle on my current mood, and I answered them as truthfully as I could and I was very up front about it and she decided that I should stay on the increased dose for a while longer, unless I start feeling depressed, which can be a side effect from it. I think I made a good case for myself, but now I realize that maybe she thinks I am still a little bit overconfident. A little bit too sure of myself and she wants to make sure that this is a true stable mood and not an effect of hypomania.

We'll see. It's true, that despite the horrid weather, I do have a little bit of springtime in my head and I am already leaving the wintertime behind me, in spite of the fact that there was a snow flurry this afternoon. The rest of the time it has been raining buckets and I have been unable to go out and buy the Exfactor his birthday present and his birthday is tomorrow. Somehow, I have to find time to buy it between my ergo therapy and taking the Überhund to the dog salon to have his haircut and bath. The Exfactor is coming over in the afternoon and I do want to have time to wrap his present properly.

I think I need to start planning things better and not leave them to the last moment, because there are always elements that are beyond my control. Like I always get my medicines refilled when I am down to the last tablet and then have to make sure a new prescription is faxed on time to the pharmacy and it is all done correctly and not for the wrong medicine like it was the other day. I take 6 kinds of medication for my disability and sometimes it is hard to keep all the medicines straight for the secretary who takes the phone messages and gets them mixed up.

I had to take the Überhund out between showers and sometimes he had to wait a while and sometimes we just had to go in the rain. At least when it wasn't pouring straight down from the heavens. He walks as close to the houses as he can, hoping not to get wet, peeing against the walls, which I am sure the home owners wouldn't be too happy about if they knew. Can you blame him, though? The cats don't seem to go out at all, but they also don't go on the litter box, so I guess they do go out, but save it up for in between the rare dry spells between the showers.

I did a good job cleaning house today. I didn't get everything done that I wanted to, but what I did, I did well. I swept all the rooms and vacuumed the chairs and wiped the sofa with a damp cloth, which took the dog hair of. It's made of the kind of material that seems to attract dog hair and doesn't vacuum off well. It just moves it back and forth it seems. It is very frustrating. I took photographs of my collages, but when I went to download them to the computer, the camera didn't work and now I'm recharging the batteries in the hope that that is the problem.

I also did a load of laundry, but I enjoy doing laundry always. I don't know why that is, maybe because they are all my clothes and I care about them. I washed the dishes, which I only need to do every other day. I enjoy doing the dishes also.

The new plants I bought are doing well. I gave them all a good soaking when I got them home and let them drain well and now they have all perked up and are looking good. I will not water them again until the soil starts to feel dry. Then I'll soak them and let them drain well again. I figure that's like getting a good rain shower to them.

Now I'll go to bed. I have to get up on time to go to ergo therapy in the morning.

I'll talk to you soon.

Ciao...

Those guys...

Those guys who were installing the boiler yesterday gave me a hard time and teased me mercilessly when they found out I was a single woman living on my own, especially when they found out that one of their colleagues was interested in me and they tried to set me up on a date with him, until we discovered what the age difference was and then they really started teasing both him and me. It was all done in good fun and it made the day go by quickly, until they were done in the early afternoon around 2:30.

I've got a wonderful new boiler now that doesn't start up with a whoosh and make a racket while it heats the water and a brand new thermostat that is digital and reads in half degrees Celsius. I keep telling myself that this is a good thing and that it is going to save me money, but it is true that I can choose the temperature that I want in the apartment more carefully now. One degree can make all the difference between paying more or less for my energy bill.

The old boiler was at least as old as the apartment, so about 20 years and that is about the realistic life of one. Or, as one of the installers said, they'd be out of a job if they lasted much longer than that. Replacement is the way to go when they start showing signs of wear and tear, as mine did. The man who had been here to fix mine, had turned up the internal thermostat and the water came out piping hot. Much too hot. I guess that was the only way he got it to work.

The Exfactor came by when the installers were just finishing their job and much joking around was done about me having a boyfriend on a motorcycle, which I left them to believe for a while was true, until one of them guessed that he was my ex. I don't know how he figured that one out. Much joking around was done about that fact too and many innuendos were made. Cheeky, they were!

Oh, before I forget, I have to direct you to an interesting site. It is called Dreamlines and you can go there here! What you do is, type in a few keywords from a dream you had, and graphic images will appear in a little while that will illustrate your dream. Be patient, because sometimes a blank page appears and then sometimes it is followed by more images. It is a very unique experience. I am sure you will enjoy it.

And something else. I came by this award the way I seem to come by them all lately and that is quite easily by visiting someone's blog and just picking it up, because I am allowed to and getting their blessings afterwards.


I got this at Lane's Write, so I must give a great big thank you to Lane who I owe this to. I don't know if you all lack the same amount of shyness that I do, but I assume that you will do what I did and just take this award for yourself and plant it on your blog. That's what it's there for. People nowadays don't seem to be handing out awards anymore in the conventional way, so you just pick them up as you go along. It's a free for all, it seems. It's like collecting trading cards.

Heck, now I got distracted looking for blogging awards on Google and another 30 minutes have passed, but I did find some. I will see what I can do with them. Mmm...

So you guys, the Überhund is standing here impatiently waiting for me to take him out and I suppose I will go and do that now. The poor guy is always waiting for me to get done behind the computer and waits and waits...

Have a really terrific Saturday. I'm going over to my sister's whose birthday it is today.

Ciao...