Sunday, July 06, 2014

Where the best people go

I had a less terrific day than I did yesterday and I am glad that I have this blog to complain about it in, because in real life I don't. I had more pain and was more tired, and I choked on whatever I had to drink more often. That has left me somewhat frustrated, but I was able to solve the resulting low spot in the late afternoon very adequately and for that I am proud of myself. I took all my medications a lot sooner and I ate a lot earlier and I recovered and felt better quicker. 

I felt so good, that after the rainstorm, I took Tyke for a walk and it felt good to be out there in the much cooler world, The mugginess was gone and it was actually kind of chilly outside. I wore my leather jacket and that was not a luxury, but it was the kind of temperature that I am comfortable with. I always think that it kills whatever germs float around and because I am going to have chemotherapy, I am going to be especially aware of those. Chemotherapy plays havoc with your immune system, so you have to avoid coming in contact with sick people specifically and bacteria and viruses in general. 

I think I got through to the Cowboy how much his presence here means to me and what a difference it makes in me being able to accept the fact that I have cancer. I have short periods of time when the sheer horror of it stares me right in the face and it scares the hell out of me. I am sure that if the Cowboy were not around, I would have many more of those moments. It is his sanity that keeps me sane. I am not surrounded by people who have their shit together and I would be faced with their issues also if it were not for him. I think he appreciates that fact because he is witness to it. 

I know that I am a tough broad, and that as a rule I can reason my way through my problems, but that does not mean that I do not also feel my emotions very intensely. I have to deal with them in a rational way and not let them get the better of me. I have all sorts of tricks to make it through the day when it gets rough, so things don't always come easy, although it looks that way. I can have the outward appearance of total calm and be inwardly boiling like a hot kettle. Maybe it would be a good idea to take the lid off every once in a while. Probably nothing really too awful would happen. 

I have turned analytical and that was not my intention. I wanted to keep it light, but there you have it. And now we await Monday and the new week when everything will start up again. It is as if duty calls us and we have to get back to our jobs. The weekend was the interlude we needed.


Wisewebwoman said...

Vent all you want and on emails too. You have to let it out. I can't imagine what you're going through, I've been witness to others suffering too many times to count and you are wise to protect yourself.

Know that you're in my thoughts and I do think of you when I get pissed off at something and recognise that the moment is all that you and I have.


Rob-bear said...

I'm glad you are adjusting things to meet your needs. After all, you are the expert on you!

And it is perfectly fine to be annoyed about the unwelcome guests who have taken up residence in your body. I wouldn't want them around, either!

Blessings and Bear hugs!

Maggie May said...

What you're going through seems a perfectly normal reaction to me.
*The sheer horror of it*..... seems a perfect way of putting it.
Small bite sized chunks of worry is the best way to go. Try not to let it consume you.

Luv & hugs, Maggie x

Nuts in May