Thunder shower.

Shortly after I wrote my last post, clouds moved in quickly and the wind picked up. It then started to thunder and rain. It didn't last very long. A half an hour at most and there wasn't a lot of rain, but it sure cooled things off. That was very lovely and I have the back door open and there's a pleasant draft blowing through the apartment, which is making everything smell good.


I love the smell of rain, but it's a good thing that I didn't hang out the laundry to dry outside after all. I had thought about it, but decided against it just in case the weather forecasters turned out to be right, and they were. It's still cloudy now and it looks like there may be more rain, which is okay with me and actually, more rain has been predicted for this coming week. Lower temperatures too, but that just means I get to wear decent clothes and not the skimpy things I have been wearing now.


The thunder was neat and rumbled low over the sky. I didn't see any lightning, so it must have been far away. I like summer thunder storms and we have them regularly. I always feel perfectly safe inside the apartment and I'm not afraid of a hit. I'm so sheltered here, I would be surprised if I did. There's nothing like rain in the summer to release that smell of green grass and dust and blossoms. I like the cool air after the rain and everything looks very bright and clean.


I took a nap on the sofa. It was actually inevitable after I ate a late lunch. I started off watching the men's final at Roland Garros, but I only saw the first 5 minutes of it. I turned over and fell asleep. I had a cup of coffee when I woke up and felt like a million dollars. Tyke sleeps while I sleep, although he did try to wake me up at one point and I petted him in my sleep. I do remember that. My hand got stuck inside his curly fur and rested there.


I've decided not to worry about how often I post on days like these when I have the time to do whatever I like. It doesn't matter how many comments I've gotten, because I think only a few people read me anyway. I think a lot of times I write just for myself anyway, to get whatever I want "on paper." It's a way to describe my day and to get my thoughts down. It's like writing in a diary.


I'm going to look and see what I'm going to wear tomorrow, if I'm going to change my clothes at all or if I'm just going to add a different cardigan or a long sleeved stretch T-shirt. The possibilities are endless. I may end up wearing a skirt. Not the one that's missing. It needs to be searched for first. I washed my other denim skirt and hope it's a little bit tighter now, so it doesn't slide all the way down to my hips. I don't want to walk around with a bare belly button. It's fun to pick out clothes when you can get to them easily. It's nice to know what you've got to choose form.


I didn't get around to sweeping and dusting. I'll have to do that in the morning. I did clean the dining table and it is organized again. It's a catch all for whatever needs a temporary place when I don't know what to do with it immediately. Half of the mail I get can go into the recyclable paper box. Well, just about. If you count all the junk that is so called official mail, but that doesn't amount to anything. It is addressed to me, but completely useless. Except the Ikea catalogue. I always love that one. They've stopped sending everyone the Yellow Pages automatically. You have to send in a postcard now if you want one. That seems sensible. I'm sure a lot of paper and money are being saved that way.

I just took Tyke for his last walk. It was very nice outside. There's a cool breeze and an overcast sky. Tyke appreciated the walk very much and did all his sniffing very economically. he moved from one spot to the next without hesitation. The added attraction were all the trash bags, but luckily they didn't distract him too much, which was always a problem with Jesker, who thought he had to find his food in them. I always had to drag him away from them.

I can't believe tomorrow is Monday again. the weekend went by quickly. In the blink of an eye. I've got my week filled already and there's enough to do. I doubt I'll have very many dull moments and if they do come around, I'll fill them with something useful. There's always something to do.

I've got a clean bed to look forward to. That will be a pleasure. The used sheets have already been washed and are drying on the clothing rack. I'm completely caught up on the laundry. I do have to see what's in the ironing basket. I think there are some things in there that I'm not going to wear anymore, but that a cat has slept on. I'll have to see what I'm going to do with them. They may be worth rescuing still.

Have a good night and a good week. If you have rain, try to enjoy it.

Ciao,
Nora

More sleep!

I slept 10 hours last night. I know I keep mentioning how much I've slept, but it's still a big deal to me. I've gone from being an insomniac to being a sound sleeper and it is really a pleasure. When I wake up in the morning, It is always a bit of a suspenseful moment to see how much I've slept, because I can't tell by the way the light enters the bedroom through the blinds.

Yesterday was a pleasurable day. In the first place I just enjoyed the newly arranged living room and I can't tell you what a difference that made. The furniture was made to sit in this place as it is all in balance now and looks so much less cluttered. It is a pleasure to keep it clean and that's what I did yesterday. I dusted a lot of things and picked up little clusters of dog hair, because even Tyke is losing a bit of hair now. Not nearly the amount that Jesker used to lose, though. Tyke doesn't even come close and that's a blessing.

We walked to the flower shop and I bought two new plants, a spider plant, also called a zebra plant, and a creeping peperonia, which I had never heard of. Both plants come with care instructions and the man in the shop said to only water them once every ten days. I'll have to check the soil regularly and make sure they don't dry out. When I came home, I realized I should have bought one more plant to replace one that is barely hanging in there, so that means one more trip to the flower shop. Tyke enjoyed the walk very much, because it took us through a couple of streets that he had not been on before. There was much sniffing and leg lifting.

I put the spider plant on the dining table and Gandhi proceeded to eat the tips of the leaves as if it were grass. It didn't make her sick, so I assume it isn't a poisonous plant. I was very grateful to her for disfiguring my plant. Not.


In my effort to clean up the living room, I made a bit of a mess of the dining table with odds and ends I picked up and I have to set that to rights today. There's a cabinet I have to clean out, but I'm not really in the mood for it, because I don't know what to do with the stuff that's in it. It's a frustrating job. Things get shoved in there as well as they fit at a peril. Sometimes I have too much junk and I'm not proud of it. I'm all for decluttering as much as possible. There's this cabinet and a chest of drawers that need to be decluttered. I'm thinking large trash bags, but I've been thinking that for awhile and haven't got around to it yet. So you see, I'm putting off the unpleasant jobs. Don't we all, though? Far be it from me to be perfect.


It promises to be another beautiful day, though not too hot, but pleasantly warm. The sun has been shining non stop, but there's a cool breeze blowing. It makes you undecided if you need long or short sleeves, though optimists will say short sleeves. I get cold easily since I've lost my insulating layers and need a cardigan quickly, especially inside where it stays cool for a long time. I have to go see my psychiatrist this afternoon on my bike and will probably wear a jacket because of the wind. I also have to stop by the pharmacy and the tobacco shop, but they are on the way.


I'm going to change my clothes before I go, because I'm in the mood for something totally different. It's so nice that my clothes are so easily accessible now. All I have to do is take one quick look in the closet and see immediately what the possibilities are. Right now I like to wear summer dresses best with leggings underneath them. I feel very free and easy with them on. I've stopped wearing my boots, because the weather's too nice for them now, though some women still wear theirs. It's really whatever you feel like. There are no rules.


I'm going to wear my short black and gray summer dress and my gray Turkish pants and black sandals. I'll have to find a necklace or a light scarf to go with it. I can get excited about putting together an outfit and getting dressed. It's one of the little joys in life that counts for so much. That and having your hair turn out well when you fix it in the morning.


When your life consists of enjoying small pleasures, each one is important. It makes the awareness of the bigger calamities more bearable, because you can't be blind about what goes on in the world, yet you need to arm yourself against it somehow by being a sane human being.


We stand a chance of being governed soon by a coalition led by the Liberal Democrats, which to me is a disaster and I can't believe the possibility exists. I shudder in horror and hope a lot of people come to their senses before they vote. The country is going to be taking a bad turn if it happens, yet people are going to be voting for them driven by their fears. And that is only a close to home story. Worse things than this happen.


Well, after that happy announcement, I've got to get the show on the road. Chores await me. There's always something to do. I do want to relax a little bit, though, in having to be so organized. I can't become compulsive. It does have to remain enjoyable.


Ciao,
Nora

Amongst other things.

I slept 9 hours last night and I am proud of myself. I wasn't sure what time it was when I woke up, because it was gloomy outside and my alarm clock sits on the highest shelf so Tyke can't get to it. But then I got up and saw what time it was and was mighty satisfied. I went to bed early last night, so that I could catch up on my sleep, having not slept properly the night before, which was a foolish thing to do and which I should not repeat. I woke up at midnight to go to the toilet, but had enough sense to go back to bed and I didn't lie awake thinking about the computer and how much fun I could have with it. I was sound asleep again within half a minute. Which goes to show you that I need my sleep just as the next person does and that it's silly to force myself awake in the middle of the night with a cup of coffee. It only upsets my rhythm and causes me nothing but a lot of inconvenience. So, I'll let this be a lesson to me that I mustn't forget.

I took Tyke to the vet yesterday and even though Tyke has been there now for two operations, he has no fear of being there and no fear of the vet. He waits patiently for it to be our turn and is fascinated with all the other people and animals that are in the waiting room. He harbors no ill feelings toward the vet and allows him to examine him and treat him. Tyke has an inflammation of his eye and the vet gave me an antibiotic ointment to apply to it 3 times a day. Already, after 3 applications, his eye is starting to look a lot better, which gives me hope that everything will turn out well. Tyke is good about me applying the ointment. He patiently waits for me to put it in and gently rub his eyelid so that it's spread well over his eye. He really is turning into a good dog.

The domestic help was here yesterday afternoon and cleaned everything that was already clean and some things that were not. I think her heart is in the right place, but she doesn't see the things that are very obviously in need of care. She's got a bit of a one track mind. She's a very nice girl, though, and I hate to hurt her feelings, but she's very obviously blond. And naturally so. I am too, so I know what of I speak. I know how ditsy I get myself. I think the other domestic help is right, though, and I may be better of with just her. A lot more things will get done, probably, and the place will get really clean. We'll see how the tale unwinds.

I can't use my bathroom scale. Water from the shower has gotten into it and I can't read the display. I will have to take it apart and dry it. The battery still works , because it makes an attempt to form the numbers, but I can see a drop of water behind the little window. I feel skinnier, so I'm sure I have lost weight. I can't wait to see how much.

I thought I had an appointment with my psychiatrist this morning, but just to make sure I called to check if this was right and it is a good thing that I did, because the appointment isn't until Thursday afternoon, when I also had written one down in my agenda. I didn't know which was the right appointment. One of them had been canceled, but I didn't know which one. I was ready to just go, because I thought the other appointment was for him to call me, as I had written that down beside it. Sloppy administration on my part. I must have been really confused, as I do sometimes get when in a higher based mood. I have small periods when I'm a bit hypo manic. They don't last long and I'm not worried about them, but for a while I'm as high as a kite and I have to wait to get down to earth again.

Gandhi has been sleeping on Jesker's pillow since I moved it. She was always the one who loved Jesker most. And Jesker loved her the most. Tyke doesn't want her on the pillow and half lies down on it when she's on it. Then he starts nudging her to get her off. I'm going to wash the waterproof cover to see if I can get it stain and smell free and if Tyke will lie on it then, but it may be as the Wise Web Woman says and he will never take to it and require his own pillow.

I've got to get going now. I've got ants in my pants and the need to move and get some things done. Lord only knows what's wrong with me.

Have a happy day.

Ciao,

Nora

Medicines and Moods.

Since the Welbutrin is playing havoc with my moods, going up and down and up again in a severe way, we have decided that I'm going off it and will be reducing it starting tomorrow. At the same time, I've started increasing the Effexor today to 187.5 mg. That sounds funny, but there's a pill of 37.5 mg in there, which is half of 75 mg. I will maybe increase it to 225 mg or 300 mg. Not ever again to another mega dose of 450 mg and not ever again with another antidepressant such as Remeron.

This is all done under the supervision of my psychiatrist, of course, who is going to call me Friday at 2 o'clock, and I am to take this as a big learning experience and never ever change anything about my medicines single handedly again. Any change that is made, we make together, just as today when I was asked for my input and was listened to. It's teamwork and we all have to agree.

My SPN is going on vacation for 2.5 weeks starting tomorrow and my psychiatrist and I are going to be on our own, but are determined to make a success of it without her. We will be in contact with each other a lot while she is gone. I've known that she was going on vacation for a long time and had it written down in my agenda, so it would not take me by surprise. We have lived toward the day that she would leave and talked about it as an ordinary fact, so that it would be comfortable. Besides 2.5 weeks are going to be gone by in no time at all and I have an appointment for the day after she comes back.

Tyke had a can of Pedigree for dinner tonight, which he loved, of course, but then he got very upset at Toby for licking from the empty can that was standing on the kitchen counter. He came to get me, that's how upset he was. He's been surprisingly quiet the rest of the night, sleeping a lot, no doubt feeling so full that he doesn't have the energy for anything else. This was an exception to the rule, he's not going to get this very often, but he certainly appreciated it. Only Jesker ate it with more appetite when he was still well.

I was sitting on the sofa tonight a little before 8 o'clock, waiting for the news to come on, and I toppled over and went to sleep until 10 o'clock. It was very nice to fall asleep, but now I'm wide awake, of course, and I have to wait until I get sleepy again. It doesn't matter, I don't mind being up for a while in the quiet of the middle of the night. You all know that I appreciate that time of the night, just as long as I go to sleep at one point and don't postpone it forever. Huge amounts of feelings of guilt are attached to that, because I'm supposed to do my best to stick to a schedule.

This is such an informative yet boring post, that I'm threatening to write another one immediately. There has to be some feeling and humor and emotion too, right? That's what I was thinking. I hope you all have a blog reader that keeps track of the posts that I've written, otherwise it gets so confusing.

Have a good sleep, all of you. Unless you're not quite ready for that...

Ciao,

Nora

After a long night.

You all know that I was short of sleep after yesterday's very early morning rising and no nap during the day, which is sort of miraculous for me, because I used to be famous for my naps. So, having lasted all day long on too little sleep, I was worn out by the early evening and I went to bed at eight o'clock and slept until 8 o'clock this morning. I want to say uninterrupted, but I did have to get up to go to the bathroom and another time to let Tyke out who started to bark by the bedroom door. I figured we couldn't have that, waking up the neighbors, so I released him, but he was back in the bedroom when I woke up this morning and hadn't gotten into anything while he was out. He probably just wanted to pester Gandhi.

So, I slept twelve hours and it took me an hour to really get my head together after I woke up. I realized I hadn't taken my medicines when I had been up for an hour and had finished my cup of coffee. It used to be the first thing I did at 7 o'clock in the morning, because I was already awake then. There's no chance of that happening now.

I also only drink three cups of coffee a day now. I have one in the morning, as opposed to the three I would have to get me functioning at a high enough level. I suppose I needed the caffeine to feel good. I was artificially altering my mood to a better one. I think I drink the morning cup of coffee out of habit now, I wonder if I really need it to get at any sort of level. A cup of tea might do the job too. Anyway. I don't have another cup of coffee until the afternoon, when I want one for the taste of it, because I do like a Senseo cup of coffee, but I'm very quickly satisfied and hardly ever finish it. Then I have another cup in the early evening for a little bit of a pick me up, but I never completely finish that one either. I think I don't need the coffee to alter my mood all the time. The medication is working to the point that it makes me feel good at a steady rate all day long and that is one of the things that I noticed very quickly. I'm taking Welbutrin, that also gets sold as Zyban that is used to help people quit smoking. It helps me stop eating.

I've taken Tyke for a walk and it is a different experience than taking Jesker for a walk. Tyke is full of life and very alert and curious. He notices everything around him and wants to investigate all. He picks up three different kinds of scents and wants to follow all of them. His nose is constantly to the ground, just like Jesker's was also. They have that in common. Tyke is also very busy marking his territory and kicking up dirt with his hind legs when he's done something on a bit of grass. I guess the biggest difference is that he notices noises from far away. Jesker was almost deaf and didn't really hear anything anymore, but Tyke picks up all the noise that goes on around us and stops and listens and tries to locate where it comes from. He's a clever little guy.

I'm sure Gandhi would disagree with me, as she constantly has to find her refuge on the dining table. She does get very tired of him and literally attacks him, which he thinks is playful behavior. She has her claws and teeth in his head, but he has such thick, curly hair, that he doesn't feel anything and thinks it's all a joke. They clearly miscommunicate. When she wags her tail, he thinks it means the same thing as when he wags his tail. He just totally adores her and thinks she's there for him to play with all day long just like another little puppy. I should get a little kitten for him to play with, except that I don't want more cats because of the neighbors. It would be a solution, though.

I hope this isn't going to be one of my hypomanic ideas in bringing happiness to my dog. I can just see it turn into one of those schemes that's going to end up badly and I will not have thought it through properly, but act on an impulse. The writing is on the wall. I will figure out a way to get a kitten and that will be the beginning of all my troubles. I have just warned myself while I am still of sound mind. There's already a devil sitting on my shoulder arguing with me. Maybe that was the little absence I just had. A change of mood.

I must go walk the dog again. I feel I need the exercise. After that I will attempt to do my income taxes. I do have to get serious about that and not be such a ninny. I have until April the first, but I don't want to postpone it until the last minute. I'm afraid I'll lose the letter reminding me to do so. I do fear the tax offices and the penalties I may get. I'm an obedient citizen. Just not a very eager one. I do procrastinate when given the chance and only do the things that give me pleasure. Sometimes there's so very little of that, that it must be taken advantage of. I'm ready for an overdose now.

Have a splendid day, everyone. I must rouse my dog and put him on his leash for a brisk walk.

Ciao,
Nora

Another early morning post.

I woke up to a cracking sound and found out that Tyke was demolishing my plastic cigarette case that I had left lying on the bookcase by my bed. I suppose he got bored during the night and decided to give that a go. When I called him on it, he gave me a very innocent look and wagged his tail, as if to say, "I'm just a cute little puppy." A while later I found him gnawing on a huge bone that I had bought for Jesker one time, but that Jesker had showed no interest in. Tyke thought he'd died and gone to heaven and was afraid I was going to take that away from him too. I have no idea where he found it, but I wish he'd found it before he started on my cigarette case. He is now very sweetly asleep by my feet, worn out from this night's adventures.

I slept in my bed after I safeguarded the bedroom, or so I thought. It was pleasant to sleep in my bed, because there's a little bit more room than there is on the sofa, but I didn't sleep longer there than I do on the sofa. Doubtlessly that was because of Tyke's interruption. I have to buy another one of those really big bones and see if that will keep him happy for the night.

I'm trying to read my book, "The Pilot's Wife." I like it so far, but I manage to fall asleep after reading just 10 pages or so, or when Tyke decides to lie down on top of it for some quality time together. When I slept on the sofa, I didn't read at all, but fell asleep with the TV on. I need to get some of my old routine back now that the Olympics are over and I don't have to watch sport's events at all hours of the night.

I managed to do laundry last night. I had one load of laundry in the machine that I had to hang up and dry and it consisted of tops and sweaters and leggings. I hung up the sweaters to dry on hangers on the shower curtain rail and pulled most of the wrinkles out. Hopefully I don't have to iron them when they are dry. I had a dry load of sheets and towels to fold and one load of laundry to put in the machine and another load to put in today or as soon as there is room on the drying rack. I can't hang any laundry outside, because there's rain and wet snow predicted. That is the problem of trying to get laundry done in the wintertime. It takes forever to get it dry and it slows down the rate at which you can get it done. That's when I really wish for a tumble dryer.

I have a sink full of dishes to do that accumulate while I'm not looking. Suddenly they are there, stacked up on the kitchen counter, and I don't know where they came from. You'd think I'd hardly use a dish, living on my own. There are always many coffee cups and teaspoons and the lack of clean ones makes me realize that I need to do the dishes. I would also very much like a compact dishwasher. Just big enough for a one person household. You see how I need my conveniences. I'm all for making my life as easy as possible, but then I was used to having these things and I feel rather primitive having to do without them. I'll never get used to that. That equally goes for going grocery shopping without the convenience of a car.

I'm sitting here in my big bathrobe and the thermometer was set at 20C, but it's cold in here, so I've just turned it up higher. I don't think I'm supposed to sit here with cold hands and shiver. The radiator next to me is nice and hot now and I can feel the warmth emanating from it. It's very pleasant and like sitting by a hot stove. It does make me wish for a fireplace and a crackling wood fire.

Since today is Saturday, I will take advantage of the "free" day and do odd jobs around the apartment. I will try and not do anything structured and make it look like real work. I will just do whatever pops into my head. Pleasure first, drudgery last. I hope I will be able to go for walks with Tyke in spite of the rain that is predicted. Hopefully they will only be showers and not non-stop drizzle and down pours. It's not going to be very warm and there will be a cold wind blowing from the north east. That's from the cold part of the world, above Russia. It is my most sincere wish that the weather forecasters totally get it wrong today. I will have to wear an extra top under my sweater. At least my footwear will be good.

I will feed Tyke and get dressed and take my medicines and then take Tyke for a walk before the weather turns bad. It is still dry now and there's no wind yet. The world is very silent out there. I don't hear a thing. Silence is a very valuable commodity. I can't get enough of it.

Have a nice day. I hope your weather will be good.

Ciao,
Nora

Spontaneity!

I did sleep well last night. I went to sleep early and had the sound of the TV turned down so low that I could hardly hear it, so I basically looked at the moving images until my eyes closed and I was gone. When I woke up this morning peace reigned until I started moving around and Tyke decided to assert himself by barking at Toby, who doesn't give a hoot. He then chased Gandhi around the apartment for a bit and finally settled down again to sleep some more by my feet where he is now. I would say that I'm properly awake after all that. I don't think I'm supposed to have many dull moments in my day anymore.

I'm drinking my second cup of coffee now. Yesterday evening I had to go to my sister to borrow milk, because I was all out of it and I can't drink my coffee without milk. We will probably go food shopping today. I'll have to check and see how healthy my bank account balance is. It's best not to live in complete ignorance of that, although it would be nice to assume there's always enough money there (I just checked my balance, it is healthy).

At 8:30 Tyke and I will walk to the tobacconist for our morning constitution. It will be a hurry up and stop expedition, because that's how Tyke moves through the world. He behaves alright in the shop itself, but I keep him on a short leash. I'm sure he would get into everything given the chance and tear the wrappers of the candy bars that are so invitingly displayed at the front of the counter.

I have to do paperwork that is stacked up on the dining table and first sort out the important stuff from the things that can be tossed out or filed away. It will probably leave me with very little that I actually have to do anything about. The dining table has become a catch all for all things, because it's the one place that Tyke can't get to. As long as the chairs aren't pulled out anyway. It's where I keep everything that needs to be handy and within easy reach. I used to be able to lay things on the coffee table, but that's not possible anymore. I was so used to Jesker who ignored everything around him unless it was food and even then he wouldn't touch it unless you gave it to him. He would just sit and look at it. Tyke's not the least bit like that yet.

I have to do laundry, but oh, when do I not need to do laundry? It's an ongoing project. I think my laundry multiplies in the basket. I used to enjoy doing laundry, but lately I've been completely turned off by it. Now it's a job I have to force myself to do. I have to talk myself into it. I think I really want a tumble dryer. I know that would be decadent, but it would make my life so much easier.

It's cloudy and 3C outside. It's going to be cloudy and 7C today, but no rain is expected yet. I suspect that weather wise, it will be a dull day today. It doesn't look like we're going to see any sunshine. What's a day without sunshine? Surely we need our vitamin D?

It's slowly becoming time to get the show on the road. I have to take my medicines and eat breakfast and feed Tyke his. Another cup of coffee would taste nice. I have to wash my hair, because I can't do a thing with it. I think it's time to call the hairdresser. Oh, they're not open on Mondays. I have to find a clean sweater to wear because I spilled food on the one I was wearing. I like big sweaters that hide a lot.

Have yourselves a good day. Mondays never seem that good, do they?

Ciao,
Nora

The Late Jesker.

I called the vet this morning at 8 o'clock and told him that Jesker was not doing well at all and that I thought the time had come to put him to sleep. We agreed that I would bring him in at 9 o'clock and I called my sister to let her know. After that I spend some time in silent communication with Jesker who was merely sleeping and breathing very rapidly.

When the time came to go, I woke him up and put his leash on and luckily he reacted to that and got up and walked to my sister's car unaided. I picked him up and put him in the back and he didn't make a sound.

When we got to the vet, he was very subdued and he laid down in the middle of the examining room as if he was completely worn out. The vet said that he could see that there was no discussion necessary about if this was the right time for him to be put to sleep. That it was obvious that it was.

I sat beside Jesker and my sister sat at the other side and the vet gave him an injection to make him fall asleep before he could give him the narcotic that would end his life. We had to wait about 10 minutes for it to take effect. I petted Jesker and talked to him and talked to the vet and my sister. It was all very peaceful and not the least bit anxiety ridden.

After 10 minutes the vet came to lay Jesker on his side so he could give him the final injection and imagine our surprise when Jesker at that very moment shuddered and died. Just like that from the sleep medication only. The vet said that he rarely saw that happen and that Jesker must have been in bad shape for it to have happened at all.

I cried and kissed him goodbye a dozen times and then finished my business with the vet. We left with one last good look at Jesker and nearly dry eyes.

It wasn't horrible at all. It was a good thing, because obviously Jesker had been very sick and had been suffering. He had been a stoic dog all along. I'm not going to cry about it anymore, because Jesker is in a better place now where he is not in pain and where he can breathe freely. Someone told me that all dogs go to heaven and as far as I'm concerned that's where he is.

It was strange to come home with his collar and leash and not have him be there, but Tyke was there and the cats were and that made up for a lot. Tyke was so enthused that I was home, he was beside himself. The cats were their usual aloof selves, although Tyke and Gandhi are now playing. They get along very well.

Jesker died at about 10 minutes after nine o'clock Amsterdam time, so if you noticed anything unusual, you know what that was all about.

Ciao...

Another long walk...

This afternoon Tyke and I went for another long walk together and it was much more successful than yesterday's walk, because this time I wore my hiking boots. These made all the difference in the world and I walked with what seemed the greatest of ease. We did roughly the same walk we did yesterday (just a little bit longer) and cut a considerable amount off our time. I also didn't wear my warm sweater and I wore my short leather jacket instead of my winter coat, even though it was colder today. I didn't feel like such an worn out middle aged woman going there having no business attempting to walk a couple of kilometers at a fast pace.

When we left, Jesker had shown no interest in going out with us and when we got back, he was still lying on his blanket, sound asleep and barely acknowledging the fact that we were home again. He had to go out, but I didn't know how to get him outside. I opened the back door and tried to get him to stand up. Well, I got the front of him up, but not the backside. So, I picked up his back side with Tykes help, because he was trying to get Jesker to stand up too, and finally managed to get him into a standing position. Jesker protested by growling. Then I had to lead him outside, which Tyke also helped me with, and I managed that and Jesker did an enormous piddle and a poop, after which he hobbled back inside to lie down again, showing no interest in the snack I offered him as a reward. He's just not interested in eating. He just wants to sleep and be left alone today. He's not even coming over to lie down beside me.

I don't know when enough is enough. I just don't know when to make that call. Part of me wants to say it is now, but the other part of me says, no not yet. So, I really don't know. I'm having such a hard time with this.

I just called the Exfactor and he's no help to me whatsoever and right now I am crying and I can hardly see the keyboard. I didn't realize how much sadness I have been walking around with inside of me about this. This is just one of those things that is so hard to do. I know I have to make the decision now and that it is time, but I hate that.

Okay, I just called my sister and she was a big help. I know what I have to do now. Tomorrow morning I will call the vet and make an appointment with him and then my sister and I will go there together with Jesker and see it through. That's the best solution. Women need other women, don't they?

Tyke is so smart. He was trying to get Jesker to stand up by pulling him by his fur and then he was trying to get him to walk by pulling him by his ears. He's a real little helper. What a funny dog.

I'm drained, so I will keep this short. Tyke is trying to get into the dog cookies and Jesker finally made it over here and is lying beside me. It cost him quite a bit of effort.

Have a good evening!

Ciao...

In the long run...

Late yesterday afternoon, Tyke and I went for a longer walk, because many of you agreed that he needed more exercise than he was getting on his little short walks with Jesker and I couldn't agree more. We left at about 4 o'clock and as it gets dark at 6, I figured we had enough time to wander around the neighborhood and pick the best route to follow. He thought it was great and couldn't move quickly enough from one interesting spot to the next, That meant moving from hedge to hedge and from tree to tree and from one blade of grass to the next. He set the pace and it was fast. He was just not quite pulling my arm out of my socket.

Unfortunately, I had misjudged the weather and wore my warm sweater under my winter coat and after a while I was very hot. It was much warmer outside than I had anticipated. I was also wearing the wrong boots and had sore feet about halfway through the walk. So I lasted 50 minutes and had to call it quits. Tyke easily could have walked another hour or two. Also, my condition isn't what it used to be. I have gotten used to the relatively short and easy rambles with Jesker and they are nothing compared to a long walk with Tyke.

Today I'm going again, but I'm not going to wear my warm sweater and I'm going to wear my hiking boots in the hope that I will last a little bit longer. I'm going to try and make two longer walks, but it depends on how much sleep I need and how much time that leaves me. I'm up in the middle of the night now after sleeping a few hours. No doubt I will go back to sleep later, but I may be up on time for a morning walk with him that's a bit longer.

Jesker gets exhausted moving from room to room, so I'm not going to bother taking him for walks anymore, as they seem to wear him out too much anyway. I will let him do his business out back and just take Tyke for walks and make them longer ones, because there is no sense in making these tiny little walks with the three of us. They don't do any of us any good, least of all Jesker.

I'm worried about Jesker and I don't think he is going to hang on much longer. I guess what I'm really saying is, that soon I will be faced with the difficult decision that I have to make and that is so hard. But I hear his breathing as he is lying here beside me and it is short and shallow, as if it requires effort. I want him to hang in there a while longer, but really I want to postpone the decision until there is no other choice. Until it is the only obvious thing to do, but I don't want him to needlessly suffer either. It is tough. I've had to had cats put to sleep and I felt bad enough about that. This, however, is my companion and my friend. He's more than just a dog.

I've turned the thermostat down one degree so the heater won't keep going on and it does make a difference, but I imagine that I'm much colder now, while one degree should not matter all that much. A cup of hot coffee sure tastes good then. I think I'm going to get my end of year bill in June, because that's when I became a customer of this energy company and I will find out how much extra I will have to pay on top of the monthly payments that I have been making. They've calculated me for a one person household, but the winter has been cold, so I may have used more gas than was predicted. I've also used the computer a lot, so I may have used more electricity, in spite of my energy saving light bulbs and the fact that I hardly watch TV. So it's all going to be a big surprise.

I just got two blue envelopes in the mail from the tax office and I thought that maybe they wanted more money from me because of the end of the year calculations, but luckily zero Euros were due. It's such a relief when the tax people let you know that you don't owe them anything else. It would be like plucking a naked chicken. There's no more to go around and they ought to know best. You never know when you get a blue envelope in the mail. It can be good news or bad news. This time it was semi-good news. It would have been better if they had owed me money. That would have been my lucky day.

It's only going to be 3C today and cloudy. We've had such nice weather these past couple of days, that you could almost imagine spring had arrived. Alas, it was of short duration. Next week we're going to have wintertime again with freezing temperatures and more snow, believe it or not. Such rotten luck! I do hate that and I sincerely hope that's the last of it, but that's what I hoped the other week too. Drats! In the north of the country they haven't been without snow for at least 7 weeks, so that's much worse. Thank goodness we're spared that.

Both the dogs are amicably sleeping at my feet as if they've never done anything else. There's room for both of them. Sometimes Tyke snores. It's very funny to hear such a little dog snore. Every time I get up to go to the kitchen, he follows me in the hope that something exciting will happen and I have to disappoint him every time. It's not nearly time for him to eat, but he does gobble down his food when he gets it. He acts like a starving person who hasn't had anything to eat for days or weeks. It's gone in no time. Jesker is not the least bit interested in eating.

Well, I'll go and read blogs. I'm behind in that and now is a good time to catch up.

I hope you all have a wonderful day when you get up.

Ciao...

Jesker's condition...

I just came back from this afternoon's walk with both the dogs and I could see that it was a real effort for Jesker. We walked very slowly and at the end of it I was worried about him making it home. He is confused again and got stuck in a corner in the entryway by the front door and I had to guide him into the apartment. He doesn't want to eat and I have to force his antibiotic pill, wrapped in a slice of salami, down his throat. His breathing is a bit labored as he is lying here beside me and I bet he's got a fever again.

Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do for him, but pet him and try to make him as comfortable as I can and not leave him alone. He wants to be as close to me as he can and luckily Tyke is getting over the worst of his sex drive. He's not nearly as bad as he was yesterday and leaves Jesker alone now for the most part. The attempts that he does make are halfhearted and I can easily stop him.When I do, he's very apologetic and wants to make up for it as quickly as he can. That's good, because Jesker just wants to lie beside me and be petted every so often.

For a change, I slept all night long. I think I went to bed at 11 pm and didn't wake up until 6 am. That's a record for me, although I think I one time slept for 8 hours. I can't remember when that was exactly. It was last year some time maybe. Tyke didn't get into any sort of trouble, but he did leave two surprises by the back door. At least his intentions were good, he was almost in the right place. I'll put a newspaper down there tonight, so it will be easier to clean up. It's amazing how easily you get used to handling a dog's surprises without gagging.

I'm not falling apart today. It must be because of those extra hours of sleep I grabbed this morning after I had already been up for a while. Sleep is my best friend, I need more than enough of it and more than 7 hours in a night. 7 Hours is not enough for me. I can't function on it.

This is taking me forever to write, because I have to pet Jesker and play with Tyke. It's like having two children who both need enough attention. Then Gandhi threw some books off the bookcase and Tyke started barking about that, because he thought that was scary and not at all the way the way it was supposed to be.

I just took some time out to clear the patio and the flowerbeds of evidence of dog. The more I looked, the more I saw. It's amazing what comes out of a small animal and what difference the sort of food makes. I have made up my mind about what I'm going to feed him now and what sort of snacks he's going to get. It's all a question of trying things out.

Well, I'm going to sit on the sofa in the company of my dogs. I'm sure we'll have a fruitful time. Poor Jesker needs lots of attention. He's lying between my feet now and I'm sitting here like a farmer milking cows.

Have a good rest of the day.

Ciao...

After a halfway decent night's sleep.

I woke up this morning and found out that Tyke had destroyed my reading glasses. They were completely in pieces scattered over the bed. Luckily, they were a cheap pair that you buy at the drugstore for a few Euros and I do have another pair, but it means that I can't leave anything lying around on the shelf of the bookcase that he can reach. He had also destroyed an empty Pringle's cylinder, which didn't matter and the pieces of which were also all over the bed. That shows you what a deep sleeper I am, because I didn't notice a thing. I'm going to put a rawhide stick on that shelf tonight, so he can find that and chew on it. At least he keeps his activities confined to the bedroom.

I am the alpha dog and Tyke is trying to be second in line before Jesker. He always tries to keep Jesker at a distance from me and the closer Jesker gets to me, the more dry humping Tyke does to Jesker. Jesker can fend for himself very well, but I do have to interfere every once in a while when Tyke gets too enthused and climbs all over Jesker. That's going a little bit too far, so I scold him and pull him off, whereupon Tyke lies on his back and shows me his belly in submission. He does have to know who's boss.

Oh, it is boring, isn't it, people who talk about their dogs all the time? Although I never mind it when Laurie and Babaloo do it.

The Exfactor was here this morning and he made it a point to greet Jesker first and Tyke second. I thought that was very good of him. He thought Tyke was a hypomanic acquisition and I could assure him that he was not. If anything he is a "get me out of the doldrums dog." He certainly has done that, although I did go back to sleep after I got up early this morning. I let the dogs do their business out back and went to sleep on the sofa and slept for another three hours. It was great and the dogs slept too.

I did just take a temazepam to settle my mind and get some peacefulness inside of me, because I do feel mentally exhausted by this time of the day. My head feels like it is reeling and more than anything I want serenity. Peace and quiet is what I want. Not outside myself, but inside of me.

The pharmacy just dropped off some medication for me. It's nice that they have that service and I don't have to ride my bike over there. I'm still not comfortable on my bike and haven't tried to ride it in some time. Sometimes I think I will, but then I always change my mind about it. Walking seems like a better thing to do right now. The pharmacy is too far away for just an easy stroll over there. I may do that with Tyke some day. It's too far for Jesker to walk. Jesker can hardly make our little walk. He really lags behind at the end of it and moves very slowly. He's not eating well either, but he can lose 4 more kilos. Still, I have to try to get some nutrition into him.

I'm going to lie down for just a little while. Two minutes of shut eye before I have to walk the dogs.

Have a nice evening!

Ciao...

There are other things in life...

I took a three hour long nap this afternoon. That goes to show you how short of sleep I was. I do have to admit that I took 10 mg of temazepam to steady my nerves, because they became slightly unhinged at about 3 pm like they used to in the olden days when I was still married. Three o'clock in the afternoon seems to be the magic hour for that. That's when whatever I was holding together becomes undone and I become frazzled.

It's a good time to go to sleep, and you will all remember the sign I used to have that said something like, "This is a Rapid Cycle, Go to Sleep Now." I don't know what's become of it. I never did find it again after the Exfactor moved out. Maybe I thought I wouldn't need it anymore and threw it out. I did blame him for my daily rapid cycles, because I got them usually around the time he came home in the afternoon. Now I just seem to have rapid cycles all on my own, without any body's help. That's a pretty good trick.

I have to pay better attention to these things, because I think this has been going on for a while. I always seem to forget the most important bits of information about myself. Knowledge that I have and that seems to get lost in the vagueness of my mind, but that's very crucial to understanding myself. I don't always feel a certain way. I feel certain ways sometimes and not all the time. I go from elation to despair and back again repeatedly and I have to remember that, otherwise I'll ignore my whole realm of feelings and claim that the whole 24 hours were one and the same thing when they were not.

Anyway, Tyke behaved beautifully while I was asleep and I can only surmise that he takes the lead from Jesker. I thought he might get into all sorts of trouble, but he didn't. He was happy when I woke up, but then so was Jesker, and I both let them out back for a piddle. I cleaned up the patio and now have a lot of mulch in the flowerbed and Tyke has decided to poop there, which is good fertilizer. The only thing I have growing there is the nearly out of control winter blooming Jasmine and nothing can kill it. I did invest in some large plastic bags, so one thing I can do is clean up the flowerbed regularly. I really don't think the dog poop is going to compost that quickly and it will turn into a mess in no time.

One thing I'm finding out tonight is that Tyke is a sex maniac and wants to have sex with everything and everybody. Even the cats aren't safe. Now I will have to look into having him neutered, so I better start saving my money for that. The hormones must be raging through his body.

Well, if you missed the photos of the dogs go here. I'm going to get ready for bed. It's been a long and exciting day, believe it or not.

Have a good night!

Ciao.

Here he is: Prince Charming!

I had a heck of a time taking a photo of Tyke, because every time I put the camera in front of my face, he jumped up at me to investigate what I was doing. The rest of the time he was running around the living room, absolutely not holding still. so I only caught pieces of him, like the rear end of him or his head in movement. So this is the best I could do, but it gives you a good enough idea of what he looks like, I think. Like a teddy bear.

But let's not forget the most important dog in the household and that is Jesker. I do want to include a photo of him.

This photo was taken before the last time he was sick and before he lost all the weight. It was still on my camera, so it was a new one to me too. Jesker always knows when his photo is being taken and looks very demure when it is.

It's interesting taking two dogs for a walk on the leash and juggling the poop baggies too. You need to be quite handy for it. I wonder how Laurie does it wrapped up for the Minnesota winter as she is?

I need to take a nap. I haven't slept enough yet. I'm keeling over from lack of sleep.

Have a good day!

Ciao.

Life with Tyke...

Jesker had taken Tyke's rawhide bone away from him. He's wasn't doing anything with it. He was just keeping it very close to him so Tyke couldn't get it and every time he tried, Jesker growled at him, until Jesker fell asleep and Tyke managed to snatch the bone away and continued to have a wonderful time chewing on it for the rest of the evening and this morning. It seems that Jesker admitted his defeat, because he never did try to get that bone away from Tyke again. Jesker does take everything away from Tyke though. So I have to make sure I have two of everything. It's a good thing I'm going grocery shopping with my sister this morning, so I can stack up on some dog chews and make it as fair as I can for both the dogs.

Bedtime was interesting. Jesker laid down on his pillow and Tyke jumped on the bed with me, but he found it necessary for the first hour to come and lick my face every 5 minutes. He finally did settle down and I did get about four hours of sleep, which is my usual amount. The first thing I did was let the dogs out back for a piddle and then made a big deal out of it when they both went. I let Tyke out more often and praise him lavishly when he does a piddle and he is so happy when I do. Positive reinforcement!

Jesker is getting a new lease on life, because he gets to be assertive and the top dog. I think he enjoys that role. Of course, I help him be it, because he does deserve a little bit of respect. He doesn't like it when Tyke starts roughhousing with him, so I prevent that and Tyke listens well. He aims to please.

This little bundle of life is just what I needed to happen in my life. It gives me something to keep me busy and focused on and amused. I'm constantly having to deal with a dog that is really almost still a puppy and needs a lot of attention. Besides that, I also have to pay attention to Jesker, so it keeps me on my toes. It makes me livelier and more alert and less self centered. I can't have kids to bestow my love and attention on, but I can have dogs and I always do better when I have someone or something to take care of. I still have a lot of maternal feelings.

In the meantime, I'm sitting here very cozily with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes and the dogs at my feet. Gandhi is sitting on the dining table keeping an eye on things. I don't know where Toby is, but I'm sure he's not far away.

It's 5C outside and cloudy, but we are expecting no rain. All the snow and icy patches have been washed away and yesterday it was actually a nice day with some sunshine at times. I went outside in just my winter coat without my scarf or gloves and I wasn't cold. It was so nice to go for a drive in Yvonne's car through the countryside, even though everything is still very wintry looking. It's just nice to see some different scenery. Of course, we momentarily got lost driving to the kennel, but then miraculously found our way there anyway, thanks to Yvonne's great driving skills. No thanks to my reading of the directions.

Tyke was supposed to be housebroken, but he gets it wrong sometimes. Luckily, he gets it wrong on the linoleum, making for an easy clean up. I have to keep a better eye on him. An eagle's eye.

I hope you all have a nice day. I'm counting on one myself. I'm bound to with these two dogs.

Ciao.

P.S. I'll take photos of Tyke today and hope there is a good one to publish later on.

His name is Tyke!

I am, as of 3:30 this afternoon, the proud owner of an 11 month old American cocker spaniel named Tyke. He is black all over except for under his tail, where he is white, which looks very cute.

I was very unsure about getting another dog when I found out about Jesker's tumor. At first I thought I wouldn't get another dog at all, but then I thought I would be awfully lonely without one and that I would very much miss the company and the routine and the loving care. Then I thought I would wait until Jesker was gone and that seemed like a sensible idea, but out of curiosity I started to visit the websites of all the local dog kennels and, of course, there were all the usual dogs there that nobody wanted. German shepherds, pit bulls, Jack Russel's, the usual assortment. I was not interested in getting any of those dogs.

This morning I went to the website of a kennel in Heerlen, which is a town twenty minutes away from here and saw, between all those dogs I didn't want, this wonderful American cocker spaniel. I couldn't believe it. It was a new dog and up for immediate adoption. I tried to put it out of my mind for a few hours, but couldn't and I kept thinking about that dog that was sitting there waiting for me. The problem was that I didn't have a ride, but then I remembered that I could call my friend Yvonne, who is a big dog lover herself, and ask her if she would take me there to pick up the dog.

I called her up and explained the situation to her and she was more than willing to take me there. She had planned to do the same thing when her dog before the one she has now died, but he died so suddenly, that she did not get a chance to pick out another dog until afterwards. She wanted to have another dog while he was still alive to ease the pain, so she understood what I was doing. Well, what really motivated me was the chance to get a good dog and they don't come along often. Just once in a while you see a dog like that at the dog kennels.

We drove over there and needless to say it was love at first sight. Here he was sitting in his cage with his sad looking eyes, but eager to make contact and very alert. The woman that worked there put him on a leash so I could get to know him better and he was all over me and all over Yvonne. He was so happy to be with people. I asked all the usual questions and was soon satisfied. Of course, we had to do all the paperwork and he had to get a chip in his neck with my information in it, but all in all it was a fairly painless operation.

Nobody needs to worry about Jesker not being a dominant dog, because he his. He made it clear from the start that he is in charge and that Tyke comes in second place. Anything Tyke can do, he can do better. He even steels his food and his toys, things he normally pays no attention to whatsoever. Dried dog food that he doesn't like. Rawhide bones that he never chews on. Tyke did manage to demolish one tennis ball on his own on the sofa. That took him about half an hour, so I need to get better balls. Well, everybody needs those. The cats let him know they weren't scared of him, so that was settled very quickly.

So, we have a new addition to the family and it will take some getting used to, but he is as cute as anything and listens well. We'll grow on each other in no time and do some real bonding, which he is very good at. He is very enthused when it comes to showing his love.

Oh, I don't like my template and I think some of you don't like it either, so I'm going to change it. The only one that comes close to the toad template has an animal on it that is very slow and sluggish, which may be appropriate for me, and it carries it's house on its back, which I think I do in the sense that I carry all my troubles with me. Also, I do like to go into hiding, just like this animal. I just hope it doesn't turn you off. I think it is just the least bit endearing and don't think of escargot.

Have a good evening, at least what's left of it. I've got to change my template and cuddle with both my dogs.

Ciao.

While sleepy...

I got up full of good intentions this morning, because I had slept well and thought I had slept enough, but after I spent some time behind the computer a great tiredness fell over me and all I wanted to do was lie down on the sofa. This was a little bit of a problem, because I had to see my SPN at 10 am, but I thought I could take a little nap and get over the worst of my fatigue. I laid down on the sofa and was asleep in no time at all, until the phone rang at 9 am. It was the secretary of the clinic where my SPN works to tell me that my SPN was sick and that my appointment was canceled.

I wasn't happy that my SPN was sick, but I was glad that my appointment was canceled and very cozily went back to sleep until 11 am. Then I thought I owed it to Jesker to take him out for a proper walk and after I had a cup of coffee, I got dressed and went for a short walk with him, because the weather was miserable. It was raining and there was a cold wind blowing and it was about 3C. I should say, it was stormy. A lot of the snow had melted, but in some places there were wet, icy patches which I avoided by crossing the street or walking in the street, which always confuses Jesker, because I take him away from all his favorite bushes and trees to leave his mark on.

I was glad when we were back inside and I think Jesker was too. We both had lunch and much to my surprise, he ate everything in his bowl in one fell swoop. He hasn't done that in a long time. Those must be powerful antibiotics he's on.

Whenever I think there's the least indication that he needs attention, he gets it immediately. He only has to give me a look and I'm ready to pet him. I take my time too and rub his ears and his neck and all his favorite spots, but not his belly. I'm too scared to hurt him, although he gives me no reason to think he's in pain, but then he never does complain.

I fell asleep on the sofa in the afternoon petting Jesker, He fell asleep beside me. We are a pair, the two of us. It seems that we're going to sleep through this waiting period of seeing what the antibiotics are going to do for him. When I wake up, I immediately start talking to him, although he can't hear a word I say, but he can see my face and know my intentions, because he reacts to me. He comes over right away and pushes his face in my hands. I always say that Jesker knows how to lipread.

I've got to take him out now, but first I've got to drink a tall glass of juice. I'm so thirsty and coffee doesn't really do the trick.

Have a good evening!

Ciao.

Choices...

I took Jesker to the vet this afternoon, because his diarrhea is back in full force. The vet was sad to see him again. Because Jesker was not so bloated this time and because he had lost a lot of weight, the vet was able to examine him well and found a tumor the size of a fist in his stomach cavity. It's bad news. He is giving hum an antibiotic cure for ten days to see if it will cure the diarrhea. If so, we wait and see what happens next, although it will probably return. If the antibiotics don't work, I have to make the final decision. The one where I say, it has been enough and I have the vet put him to sleep. This is the fourth time in 3 months time that he has bad diarrhea and it is getting worse every time. Sometimes it's only liquid that comes out. His intestines are starting to stick to the tumor.

I'm taking this very hard, but somehow am amazingly calm about it. I realize that whatever time I have with Jesker now, has to be quality time and I have to make sure that I bond with him as much as I can, while I can.

I, on the other hand, am as fit as a fiddle. Contrary to what the nurse of my GP had me believe, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me and there was really no reason at all for me to go in and see him this afternoon. One of the values of my thyroid hormones was high, but that is only a concern if another value had been high also and that is not the case, so it is functioning just fine. All the other results came back normal. I do not have an infection, or cancer, or a liver dysfunction, or anemia. Everything is perfectly fine. It is with a great deal of relief that I heard this, especially after hearing Jesker's bad news.

So, whatever is going on with me, is purely psychological and must be found in my emotional functioning or malfunctioning. Well, I am a rapid cycling manic depressive, so I go through these extremes of moods and it seems that the medicines I take don't prevent it from happening. Therefor I am seriously beginning to question the use of some of my medications and want to discuss with my psychiatrist the continuation of them. It seems I am no better of with them and may be even worse of in the long run. I don't see myself taking these huge doses of medicines for the rest of my life. Some changes need to be made.

It just snowed very hard for about an hour, so we have a new layer of snow, which will hopefully melt tomorrow when it is supposed to be 4C and raining. I have an appointment with my SPN at 10 am and I do intend to keep it. I'm bound and determined to go. I will walk there.

I rediscovered my long black cardigan that's very warm and that has a collar and two buttons at the front. I'm wearing it over a stretch T-shirt and my Turkish pants. I'm also wearing my red necklace with it. I look very decent.

Someone asked me when I'm going to get rid of my toad picture that's my blog template right now. I guess it is time for me to find another one. You know, I'll gladly do it, if I can find something else that's equally good. I'll have a good look around and see what I can come up with. For those of you who don't like change, you are allowed to raise your voice in protest. It may fall on deaf ears, though.

I act very tough now, but I'm not in the least. When the time comes, things will be very difficult. I don't know how I'm going to live through it yet.

Have a good evening.

Ciao!

Waking up!

I suppose when it really comes down to it, I don't so much write for the sake of you as I write for the sake of myself. I mean that I have a compulsion to write at certain times of the day even when I don't have anything noteworthy to report. I just need to sit here and tell a story and I don't know if I tell you the story or if I tell myself it. I guess it is a letter to myself to remind me of what I have done and thought and mused over and observed, yet if that were completely true I might as well write it in a notebook and not make it public, so obviously I need an audience and feedback. I write an ego document that I want to make known. But I'll try to write as if I'm the only witness to it, though I doubt very much if that is possible. Even Anne Frank wrote to an imaginary friend she called 'Dear Kitty.'

I'll set the scene. I'm sitting here in my very warm, red bathrobe by the desk lamp with my cup of coffee and the inevitable cigarette. My feet are still bare, but soon I will get my slippers on, because my feet will get cold and my toes will feel like ice cubes. The dog is asleep on his blanket, but has been over here to be petted several times. He wags his stubby tail and gives me a mournful look that means, "Don't neglect me."

Outside there is still a little bit of snow, but not very much. Only in the places where the sunshine doesn't reach during the day are there a couple of centimeters. It is 0C outside and it's supposed to be snowing now, but I see no evidence of it. Oh yes, I just had a better look and it is snowing indeed. It's supposed to do that the rest of the day also if I'm supposed to believe the weather forecast on my browser.

I didn't fall asleep until almost midnight. For some reason I went to bed late and read for a long time. I also ate Pringle's Onion and Cheese potato chips. Those were very nice, but made me very thirsty. They must be very salty and I probably had a week's worth of sodium last night. I don't recommend anyone doing this before they go to bed. It's a foolish thing to do. I shouldn't even buy them, but sometimes it is hard to withstand them when you're in the supermarket and you see them there so invitingly on the shelf. I shouldn't go down that aisle anymore. It's actually easy to avoid. I have no business being there.

I can't go back to sleep this morning, because I have to go to the tobacconist and he is only open in the mornings on Mondays. In a little while I have to take my medicines and when I'm done writing this I'll take the dog for his walk. Maybe I'll lie down on the sofa after I've gotten my tobacco. In the afternoon I have to go see my GP for the results of the blood tests and I have been trying to figure out all weekend what he wants to talk to me about that he couldn't discuss over the telephone. It's a mystery to me. I suppose it's normal for me to say that I'm just a little bit worried.

Well, that's all the sharing I have to do this morning. It's not very deep, but I'm not in the mood for an intellectual post today. I have other things on my mind. I'm preoccupied.

Have a nice day!

Ciao.

Drinking coffee...

I'm sitting quite cozily by the desk lamp drinking my coffee after having just finished a tall glass of fruit juice for the thirst. This time I was smart enough to buy two large cartons of fruit juice, so I have enough left, although I may come to find out that I need three to last me the week. The stuff is so good when you are thirsty and nothing else will do to quench that thirst. Not even cold milk, which I used to think was the best cold drink when I was diabetic and didn't know it and was always thirsty. I would drink a liter of it in one go. Now I just drink tall glasses of juice and I love the slightly sour taste of it, because the juice is not too sweet. I like mixed yellow fruits better than plain orange juice, and no matter how well I shake it, the best is always at the bottom of the carton, because that's where all the pulp is. I could write a treatise on good fruit juice probably.

Jesker is lying right beside me and has tried to get me to get dressed because he wanted me to take him out. He got me to follow him to where me clothes and boots were and then looked at me with sorrowful eyes. Of course, I'm not going for a walk now, he just had to go out back, but he was not quite happy about that. He complained a little bit and then grudgingly went to sleep, but I'm sure I haven't heard the end of it yet. I'm sure in his little brain he's just waiting for the next moment to come along when he can try and lure me outside again. He never forgets.

It snowed during the night and there are a few centimeters. I'm wishing for it to be gone, although it looks quite pretty, but I'm not fooled by the beauty of it and remember very well how slippery it can get if it stays and freezes. It's supposed to get up to 2C today, so it should melt, but there aren't any guarantees. It never did get that warm yesterday either and it snowed in the afternoon, although it was supposed to be 2C then also. In the north of the country there is more snow, so I'm glad I live down here in the south. Those few hundred kilometers do make a difference and we are less influenced by the sea, which makes it a bit dryer and warmer here. It's a good place to live, as climates go, but that's not the only reason. I live in the Dutch mountains.

I finished Animal Dreams by Barbara Kingsolver and have now started her novel Pigs in Heaven. I've read this novel before and also the one that came before it, but it's been long enough since I read it that it will be like reading a new book again. As I read it, I remember bits and pieces of it, but it's still fun. Animal Dreams was an interesting book. There was a lot of sadness in it, but very realistically in that tragedy happens to people in the most bizarre ways and that we have to learn to live with that. There was also joy in the book underneath it all and it does have a satisfactory ending. I don't say a happy ending, because no such thing exists. Well, endings don't exist, do they? One person or the other dies, but the rest of the people go on living. They have to, that's their fate. To carry on the story endlessly until someone can come along and write it down again.

Jesker has given up on me and has gone to sleep on his pillow in the bedroom. I'm surprised he didn't try to change my mind again. I suppose he realized his timing was off.

I just looked outside and see that there are already footsteps in the snow and tire tracks. I'm surprised, it being Sunday. I wouldn't expect anyone to be up that early, or to be out that late. Of course, the cafés don't close until 3 am, so it could be people coming home from a night out. I think some places stay open even longer, but I think that's in the summertime when you can get home when the sun is up. I'm not a party animal, so I don't know much about these things. I haven't stayed up to party all night since I was 26 and it was New year's Eve and I saw the morning coming. That's a long time ago.

It's very nice here with my bathrobe on. I have no desire yet to go back to bed. I am wide awake. I think I will stay up and visit some blogs that I've been neglecting, because I visit them, but very often lately I haven't been leaving any comments and I feel like that's just a bit antisocial. It's like peeking in, but not letting anyone know you've been there. Of course, lately I haven't felt like I know what to say, I've been so empty of words that are cheerful and it's been an effort to say anything at all.

Have a good Sunday you all. I hope your snow melts if you have any.

Ciao!