For old time's sake...

No, I haven't disappeared down a rabbit hole like Alice in Wonderland, nor would I have enjoyed the kind of strange adventures that she had. I like my life served up straighter than that. My days have mostly been very ordinary but much improved from how they had been in the past. I still continuously count my blessings, although lately I take the credit for a lot of them myself.

I'm getting used to this new and improved version of myself and am no longer so surprised every day. I'm starting to grow into my own personality and learning to trust it. So far, I am managing to keep myself busy but I think I am going to need to find a useful activty to fill my spare time. I am thinking about doing volunteer work and hopefully will find something that will suit me.

Tyke and I are taking ever increasingly longer walks three times a day all over the place. Sometimes I plan them ahead of time and sometimes I make them up as we go along. We both enjoy them very much and there is much to discover. The world is our oyster and we don't let the rainy weather discourage us.

I've lost so much weight that I now weigh what I used to when I was twenty years old. To say that I am pleased is putting it mildly. I love my skinny self and didn't have to suffer for it. I do look quite normal and not like a famine victim. I'm having my gastric band emptied a little in August so I will be able to eat larger portions of food in the future.There's no need to lose more weight.

At her invitation, I will be staying with my daughter in Texas for Christmas and New Year's. That's still some time away but I am looking forward to it very much. I can't think of a lovelier way to spend the holidays.

The sun has just come out again and Tyke is gently reminding me that it's time to go for a walk.

Great and small...

I'm having my second much needed cup of coffee after experiencing serious brain drain when I got up from my nap this afternoon. I slept a little longer than I had intended to, but I must have needed the sleep. As a result, I was a little foggy when I got up and needed the caffeine very much. 

I was reluctant to make a pot of coffee because sometimes my stomach revolts against it and I never know when that is going to be. I sat here bleary eyed and had no other choice but to make one if I wanted to get anything done and be in a good mood. 

Luckily, the coffee was quickly made and the first cup not only agreed with my stomach but also put my mind in working order in no time at all. I was tremendously cheered. I felt that I had triumphed over evil forces and that the goodness of the caffeine was allowed to do its healing work. 

Outside it is raining hard and the wind is whipping it against the windows. I don't think the dog and I will be going for a walk any time soon. The weather has been bad for the past few days and I don't know exactly when it is supposed to improve. I'm hopelessly out of touch with the latest news. I haven't been watching TV at all.

My daughter and her father are on their way back to the States. I'm in the process of getting used to their absence and that will take me a while. I must be careful not to fall into a big hole and I have to hang on to the sense of optimism that I got out of the visit. It did me a lot of good and I feel like a reborn woman.

I have made some resolutions for the new year and I hope I can stick to them. They are not too complicated and some of them are just continuations of ones that I had last year. Others are new and take some effort to get used to as new goals. It's easier to leave everything the way it was, but not wiser. 

There is such a thing called emotional investment and I've decided to do much more of it. In the past I've always been afraid to take the chance in case I got hurt, but now I'm willing to invest. It's going to be a theme throughout my life this whole year and I'm going to put a lot of effort into it. It's not just going to be a hobby that I do on the side. 

The focus will not be on me but on other people. My look will be outwards. I will not be self centered but social. There is enough of me to go around. 

Have a good day, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

After New Year's Eve...

I can tell you that I've spent a lovely New Year's Eve with my daughter and her father, just the three of us, and that was perfect. We felt like a family again. My sister and her friend and her kids had all gone to a party and we had the place to ourselves. We spent quality time together and rang in the New Year with a glass of wine and hugs and kisses. I couldn't have asked for more. 

We watched the fireworks that were set off all over town until most of them had been shot into the air and I could get onto my bike and ride it safely home in the middle of the night. I did have to go home and make sure the animals were alright. I had locked them into the back of the apartment with the windows and the shades closed hoping that the fireworks wouldn't bother them too much. 

When I got home, they were waiting by the front door and didn't seem in too bad a shape. They weren't traumatized or anything. I made sure they got their hugs and kisses too.

I had been worried about spending quality time with my daughter the last few days that she is here, but it seems that I'm going to have ample opportunity to. We have already planned what we are going to do today. All I have to do is get some sleep before we'll go and do it. 

Of course, I'm still wide awake and excited from the late night I've had. I had such a good time. It was so enjoyable. I feel like I've reconnected to both my daughter and her father again and that now everything is back to normal. It feels like we are a unit with a common goal and that is to achieve whatever is good for the three of us and our daughter in specific. 

I must go to bed, however, and get some sleep. I must be perky again in a few hours. 

Happy New Year, everyone. May this be the best year ever. 

Ciao,

Nora

Testing the midnight waters...

I am very contentedly sitting here with a cup of coffee. I've just unfriended some 'friends' on facebook and I feel unburdened for having done so because it's always better to get rid of some than it is to add some. I had added a lot of 'friends' one night when I couldn't sleep and I was bored and I wanted some more excitement in my life. I decided to look for potentially interesting people, but after keeping track of them for several days, some of them turned out to be a little strange or only in the business of self promotion. 

They were not the kind of people I wanted to spend precious tme on and I unburdened myself of them. I will look for more interesting 'friends' with a little bit more discrimination. Some of them are turning out to be real interesting and I may hang on to them. There are some nuggets of wisdom being spouted here and there. I do pick things up. As long as I get to pick and choose, there is no problem. I'm still in charge of that. I am not a mindless follower. 

In the morning my daughter is coming back from her trip to Italy and I will have a few precious days left to spend with her. I have just gotten used to her not being here in my immediate presence.. I've adjusted to my life on my own again. I will have to make room in my heart for her again and make a big space to fit her into for the few days that remain. I have to emotionally prepare myself for that. I'm worried about the quality of the time that we will have and don't expect too much of it and then whatever is there will be okay. 

I am more than ever determined to be an emotionally self sufficient human being in the new year and it is one of my New Year's resolutions. I think one's happiness and completeness should never depend on other people because you will most likely be disappointed.

I've already been on this journey of emotional self sufficiency for some time. I've started to look at myself as my own best company. although I am aware that I need the interaction with other people sometimes. I don't need a huge amount of it, but a little more than I get now. I'm working on that. 

In the end though, it's yourself that you need to be able to live with and you shouldn't try to escape from that person. You have to be able to be a comfort to yourself. The only other consistents in my life are my animals. They are pretty predictable in their behavior. I know what strokes to expect from them. 

With my psychiatrist's approval, I've started to reduce my sleep medication. I'm now on half the dose I used to take. They never did help me sleep anyway. I was just hooked on them and they made me high in the middle of the night. I didn't enjoy that feeling and wanted to get off them. Next week I will go wihout them completely. It doesn't bother me to have to do with less and I feel more sober minded. It will be good to be off the barbiturates completely. I will have no more mind altering drugs. 

I will be off to bed now. I will have enough to do in the morning before I see my daughter again. I do want to have the time to sit and have a cup of coffee in peace and quiet before I have to get showered and dressed and walk the dog. There will be moments of reflection and preparation. But first I will have a good long sleep. 

Ciao,

Nora

Filling my time...

Optimistically speaking, it is early in the morning and I am apparently insistent on starting the day at this ungodly hour. There is, of course, nothing wrong with it because there are no rules about when a person is supposed to undertake such a thing. You get up out of bed and make yourself some coffee and find out that you are in a functioning mode and in a good mood. It's as simple as that. There lies no complication in it whatsoever. 

You do have to decide what you are going to do with all those empty hours that lie ahead of you. You have to creatively and usefully fill those up. I do not lack an imagination, but sometimes I do fall short of the task and don't know enough things to do. That's why it is so nice to drink coffee and smoke cigarettes because I can wile away many long moments doing those activities, passive as they are. They seem to fit my personality which is introvert and pragmatic. 

I'll be taking a shower early this morning and getting dressed before it's dawn. I do have a nice, new, long sleeved T-shirt with a pretty print on it that I'm looking forward to wearing. I will have to wear a cardigan over it because it's a bit chilly outside. It's warm enough inside because I have the heater on despite my concerns about the energy bill. I wanted to be comfortable and only knew of one way besides wearing my warm bathrobe. It's awful anyway to take a shower in a cold bathroom. Brrr...

The dog will be happy because he'll get to go for a walk early too. There's still a clear sky outside, but it's supposed to rain later today and not get much warmer. I hope it waits with raining for a while because I have to go to the tobacco shop first thing when it opens. I will probably be their first customer and an eager one too. I'm almost out of tobacco and may have to wear a nicotine patch for a while. It would be a good time to quit actually. Only I don't think that I have the courage for it right now. I have to be in the right frame of mind. That counts for a lot too. 

In another two days my daughter and her father will be back from Italy. I am very happy about that and do have enough patience for that. Two days are manageable. I know that they are having a good time and that helps a lot too. I do want their vacation to be something that they can look back on with pleasure. The fact that I miss my daughter pales in comparison. I can't be selfish and think of only me. I do want the last days that I spend with her to be of quality. I will make sure of that. 

The coffee tastes awfully good. It is from Starbuck's and my daughter brought me an enormous package of it. I wasn't sure at first if I was going to like it, but I did after the initial pot of it. I had to adjust the dose of ground coffee that I put in the filter, but got it right the second time around. Now I'm an old pro at making it. 

I hope you'll al have a really good day. I'm planning on one myself. So is the dog, I think. 

Ciao,

Nora

On the rebound...

After I wrote my last post in the middle of the night, I managed to sleep for nine hours and as a result I have felt like a new woman all day today. I needed that sleep very much as I was begining to go a little batty. I seriously started to question the workings of my mind. It was all due to the shortage of sleep, it now seems, and I feel ever so much relieved. Questioning your own mind is a terrible thing to do. I don't recommend it to anyone.

On top of everything, I just took a nap. It was delicious and I am now recuperating from it with a cup of coffee. The coffee is going down very well and is making the gears of my brain get unstuck out of the sleep position.

I'm staying in touch with my daughter through Facebook and know where she is because of it. She was last at the Trevi fountain in Rome. I'm sure she will check in again this evening. Facebook is very good for keeping track of people providing they want you to be able to. What would I do without it? Sit on pins and needles, most likely.

The dog is just happy that I'm home and not gone all the time. He sure does appreciate that. He rewards me by being very sweet and agreeable. He's such a good animal anyway. Most of the time he's a pleasure to have around. He does have his shenanigans, but that's normal. He wouldn't be your average dog if he didn't. 

I briefly had my closet door open and the cat took the opportunity and immediately climbed to the top shelf where the sweaters are. She's been sound asleep there all day. I guess she had a hunkering to hibernate. She couldn't have found a cozier spot and I would have done the same thing if I were a cat. She does trust me not to lock her up in there. 

I have to go walk the dog. It is that time of the evening again. He's sound asleep on the ground beside me, but he'll notice me get up right away. He's got a radar for that kind of thing. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Finally, in the end...

I will write a blog post if it's the last thing I do. I have tried it several times in the last few days but always got discouraged and deleted them. I felt I had nothing news worthy to say and that all my words amounted to nothing at all. I will now make an honest attempt to finish writing one and put some effort into it. I won't get discouraged after just two paragraphs. 

I'm sitting here late at night hoping that I will not have another sleepless one like I've had for the past few nights. The lack of sleep has plain worn me out and I have been unable to take naps during the day to make up for it. It's been a real bother and I have gotten wired as a result, but tonight I am at least a bit more mellow and relaxed  so that bodes well. I may just be able to go to sleep later. 

I have been keeping myself occupied during the sleepless hours with Facebook which I rejoined after a  year long sabbatical. I'm as hooked as I ever was, it is so addictive. There are some new features that make it more attractive to use and, of course, that makes matters worse. I feel that I should go to Facebook Anonymous and make a confession. "Hi, my name is Nora and I'm a Facebook addict."

It's plain ridiculous, of course, and I'm sure I'll get over it again. It's just a phase I'm going through. It has to do with temporarily having to miss my daughter. I'm taking that kind of hard and I can't wait for her to come back from Italy. I'm unsettled as a result of it. I'm completely off my 'a propos.'

That's why it's so important that I sit here and write this completely normal post. I need to do something very standard so that I will feel as normal as possible. I need to tell you that I will have a glass of ice cold milk in a little while to quench my thirst and to get me ready for bed. If I don't do that, I will stay lost in the confusion.

Of course, I have nothing left to write about now. There are things I can't tell you because they concern other people and I'm not at liberty to talk about them, although they do effect me. That's my dilemma. It's tough, but that's the way it is. A lot more would become clear to you.

I hope you're all well. 

Ciao,

Nora

On the second Christmas day....

Because my daughter and her father will be going to Italy with my sister and her friend for a few days in the morning, I will have some time to myself and no need to get up early and to be dressed on time. I can be lazy and go as slow as I want. Once I finally get the show on the road, I will have to find a place for all the Christmas presents I got because I haven't had a chance to do that yet. 

The apartment is not that big and whenever new things come into it, a place has to be found for them and some rearranging has to be done. I got a lot of personal care products, so I need to empty a shelf in the bathroom to put them on. I always have to try to get things down to the very basics and not waste any space. Choices need to be made about what is obsolete and can be thrown out. And it can never be regretfully so. 

I got four new books and those need a place on the bookcase. Needless to say, they have a high priority to get read and I will do my utmost best to do that as soon as possible because they were all chosen with care. I will have to make it a point to sit down and read for a while every day in my armchair and do nothing else. It will be good training for my mind and my attention span. It will prevent my thoughts from drifting and that's something that definitely needs to happen. 

I got some anklet socks that are very soft and infused with some kind of lotion and I'm supposed to put them on after I have given myself a proper wellness treatment with all my personal care products, which I will do today. I've also gotten a nice set of lounge wear which I will wear tonight. I will treat myself nicely today and make it as special as I can. It will be my day off as far as that is possible with the dog. It's too bad that he needs to get walked or I would wear the lounge wear all day long.

Yesterday we went to Aachen, in Germany, and walked around downtown and visited Charlemagne's beautiful cathedral. The weather wasn't all that great, it was drizzling and cold, and we found a safe haven in a cozy cafe where we had something hot to drink. There was no sitting out on a heated terrace. Apparently the Germans don't do that kind of thing. I had a cappuccino with whipped cream and felt very decadent. That's not on the menu in the Netherlands. 

I should go back to bed now but I find myself wide awake. That is a bit of a problem. I doubt that I'd fall asleep now. I seem to be in the wrong time zone again. I'll have to find some way to keep myself busy until I get tired enough to go to bed. I will go find a place for all the Christmas presents.

Have a good day you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Exhausted!!!

I'm so tired as I'm sitting here in the middle of the night. I got up early this morning and have had a long day and I haven't slept yet. It was late when I got home tonight and I needed some time to unwind before I could go to sleep, but I really think I'm properly unwound now and just about ready to go to bed. 

I'm punch drunk with sleep and feeling kind of pleasant as a result and I'm taking advantage of this alternative mood to try and write a post to see what I'll come up with. It's like being on drugs and trying to act normal. I think I may be able to get away with it but I'm not sure. I don't know if I'll make sense. I'm having a cup of coffee to get me a little bit back to more normal. 

After I had found a good outfit to wear this morning and had taken care of the fog and the cat, I rode my bike to my sister's house to see my daughter and her father. They were in the process of getting showered and dressed, but my daughter and sister and I did take the opportunity to look through the large collection of cosmetics that my sister's friend had brought back from the company in Milan. There were lipsticks and mascaras and eyeliners and eyeshadows and blushers and foundations.

We took our time looking through everything and picked out the best colors that matched us and were much content. We all felt like we had been kids turned out in the toyshop where we had got to pick the best toys for free. It is nice to have good connections. 

After everybody had had their expressos and cappuccinos, my daughter and her father and I rode bikes into town to do Christams shopping and taste the general festive atmosphere. It was busy, but not overly crowded and we were successful in our mission and found what we were looking for. We had lunch on a restaurant terrace that was heated and where each chair also had a blanket for warmth. My daughter and her father had typical Dutch specialties that they had been looking forward to eating. 

On the way back, we stopped by my apartment to let out the dog and for me to take my medications. The dog was very happy to see us and to go out back and do a piddle. The cat was also very curious about the company and hung around to see what was happening. I hated to leave them behind again, but at least I knew they were alright and that they were taken care of. 

When we got to my sister's house, presents had to be wrapped. I had already put my presents under the Christmas tree and the collection kept growing making it look quite exciting. I did notice that a lot of the presents had my name on it and I grew very curious. 

Earlier in the day, my sister has given me a very nice handbag because I had mentioned to her that I was going to buy a new one for myself that day. That was to prevent me from getting one. It's a knock off of a designer bag and it looks great and has lots of room in it for everything I carry with me. I felt proud as a peacock for carrying it. I am that kind of woman. But it's not a copy of your regular designer bag. I wouldn't be caught dead with one of those.

My sister prepared all sorts of foods that we slowly started eating over the course of the evening. Even I had some of it. She made too much and everybody was stuffed.

We took our time opening the presents one by one and I have to say that I made out like a bandit. I got very spoiled and got very nice things. I was almost embarrassed by how thoughtful people had been. But everybody was happy with their presents and we all did well. There were no sad faces. The process did last so long that we were all exhausted at the end of it. 

I had some trouble taking all my loot home on my bike but managed it in the end by careful arranging. I did make it home in one piece. 

I've gotten a bit of a second wind now from that cup of coffee and will stay up a while longer. I'll sleep late in the morning. I told everyone not to expect me too early. You don't have to sit on top of each other all the time. Some time alone is good too. 

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you get as spoiled as I did. 

Ciao,

Nora

Good intentions...

I went to bed on time with the intention to get a good night's sleep, but the dog had other ideas. He had felt neglected because I had been away from home for a long time today and he wanted some attention and company. He didn't want me to go to sleep and kept me awake. There was no other solution but to get up again. 

I cuddled him extensively and petted him until he was satisfied and started chewing on a rawhide bone. Now he's asleep in the armchair and I'm sitting here temporarily wide awake. Both he and the cat were waiting behind the front door when I came home this evening and Tyke acted like I'd been gone on a long journey. His happiness to see me knew no bounds. If he could have jumped in my arms, he would have done so. 

I had been at my sister's house where my daughter and her father will be staying because she has the spare room for guests. Her house is bigger than my apartment. We can all move around a little easier there in a larger group because her children are there also and there would be no room for everybody here. 

It was a great thing to see my daughter and it was the most natural and comfortable thing in the world. I felt no awkwardness whatsoever. The first thing she said to me was, "Mom, you're so little!" I had to laugh at that, because I guess I am now compared to when she saw me last. I have shrunk quite a bit and am just a shadow of the person I was for a few unfortunate years. 

She looked fantastic and quite like the successful career woman she's become. She's got her head on straight. She's a smart cookie and knows what she's doing and I'm very proud of what she's achieved in life and aims to achieve still. It's great to watch a success story take place. 

Tomorrow we're going to be celebrating Christmas and exchange presents in the evening while we eat our way through a lot of food that my sister will have prepared. I will nibble. In the afternoon we will go downtown to do some final shopping and to have cappuccinos in a sidewalk cafe where there will be heaters under the awnings. It should be quite busy in town with everyone doing their final bit of shopping. The stores will be closing early at 5 pm causing a stampede most likely.

I've got to think of another good outfit to wear tomorrow, but I'm sure something good will pop out of the closet. 

I've got to go to bed now and set the alarm clock so I'll get up at a decent time in the morning. I can't dawdle long over a cup of coffee. I will have to get the show on the road in a somewhat speedy manner. I've got a nice day to look forward to. 

Ciao,

Nora

Gently making it through the night...

I'm too excited to sleep, of course, because today is the day that my daughter and her father arrive. That is a big occasion and one I have been looking forward to. I've spent the last few days doing chores and wrapping the last presents for Christmas and generally preparing myself mentally for the big day. 

This morning I have to get myself in spiffy condition and make sure I look my best because first impressions count and I want to make a good first impression. I've picked out my outfit and have to redo my nails and make sure my hair looks good. Then I've got to face the day with a cheerful face that's well made up. Not too much make up so as to not look artificial. 

My daughter posted photos of herself and her father on the airplane on Facebook. Her father had upgraded their flight to first class so they're traveling in style and comfort. As far as I'm concerned, that's the only way to travel intercontinental. It's ever so much better than being crammed like a sardine into economy class on such a long flight. I always like it when exonomy class is overbooked and I get upgraded to business class. I think that's a real luxury. 

In the meantime, I'm sitting here drinking a glass of cold milk and I've just taken my morning dose of medicines. I'm really taking my time writing this because my thoughts keep drifting off to other subjects. I'm doing an awful lot of daydreaming. It's amazing how one thought will trigger a whole series of memories to come to the surface. Before I know it, I'm all caught up in them. That's a bad habit. I mustn't live in the past. 

I think I will go take a shower and slowly get the show on the road. There's lots of time to do all the things I want to do. I may even get some sleep later on. The sun's not up yet so the day hasn't officially started yet.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Getting down to earth again...

Even though it is the middle of the night and it is the time when I feel most joyful, that doesn't mean that I have to get overly excited now and lose track of my sense of decorum. I'm quite capable of keeping myself in hand and not making a complete fool of myself by declaring all sorts of nonsense. 

I do have to hit the brakes because sometimes I get too much in a hallelujah mood when I'm up this late and have had a cup of coffee or two. My enthusiasm knows no bounds and I run to the top of the mountain before I remember that I have fear of heights and get dizzy and know no way down. 

I must be as sensible as I can manage to be and still be lively and not sit here as a solid and silent rock in a winter's meadow on a boring Sunday. I have to be engaging without being silly, although you may think that me being silly may be a lot of fun. That's only if I'm silly on purpose and not when I accidentally end up looking ridiculous. 

Since yesterday was Saturday, it is hardly a day worth speaking of. It was just another ordinary Saturday like any other. I spend it doing nothing important whatsoever, except that I watched my share of cultural television programs in the morning while I woke up with my obligatory cups of coffee. It does feel good to feed the intellect and my curiosity.  I did miss half of the programs yesterday because I got up too late, but I'll get a chance again this morning when there will be more on. 

There's usually some documentary with an exposure to challenging art which gets my dander up at first, but which I change my mind about as I watch it, although I don't completely change my outlook on it. I am somewhat more enlightened after I've watched it and more appreciative. It's supposed to be a challenge to your mind, after all. I suppose you see the necessity of the art in the time it was made even though you don't have to like it. It's enough that you understand the intention behind it. 

I wrapped Chrstmas presents and didn't run out of paper, which is good because I've got one more present to wrap which hasn't gotten here yet. With a little bit of luck it will be here on Wednesday. The dog tried to help me wrap them and was very disappointed when he was not allowed to be part of the proceedings. The cat was asleep on the bed, so I timed my actions well. I got no cat hair on the sello tape. 

Wrapping the presents did get me into the proper mood and now I can hardly wait for Christmas. The real exciting thing of course is that my daughter will be here and that is what I'm really looking forward to. I'm slowly allowing all of my maternal feelings to come to the surface where they have been buried so long. It almost hurts to let them out. It's a real process.

It's going to be a bit colder for the next couple of days and I'll have to pick my outfit with care in the morning. It will be a question again of being warm enough and looking good. That's really not too difficult if I put my mind to it. In the evening there will be a mixture of snow and rain and I'm really not in the mood for that. I have very little to say about the weather, however. It happens whether I want it to or not. There's nothing as fickle as the Dutch weather.

Today will be another non eventful day as Sundays go. The weekends are often not very exciting. They are turning out to be the dullest parts of the week. Luckily, there are interesting programs to watch on televsion. There will be lots of sports to watch and I enjoy them. Thank goodness I have the animals to entertain me. We pass many happy moments together. The dog alone is enough of an amusement factor. 

I have to go back to bed to finish sleeping. The duvet is turning out to be so good that it's almost too warm to sleep under. 

Ciao,

Nora

Massive cheer up time...

I was good this afternoon and took care of all the paperwork that I had left lying around for some time now. I also visited my bank account to see if I was still solvent and paid some bills. I got the end of year bill from the energy company and am actually getting some money back. Phew, that was a relief. I thanked the Higher Being for that big favor. 

When I was all done with the paperwork, the damage was actually very small and I could put a lot of things in the recycle box. The rest was noted and taken care of and filed. I felt very virtuous for having done it in such a relative short amount of time with such little pain. I had not been a job that I was looking forward to, but it always is much less bad than I think it is going to be. 

Now I won't have to put anything off for a while anymore and I can take care of things as they come in. The fun part about emptying the mailbox right now is the fact that there are Christmas cards in it and not just official mail. That does make it a lot nicer and reminds me that I have to send some myself. The season is sneaking up on me before I'm quite ready. I still have to buy stamps. 

My daughter and her father are going to be here in another nine days and will spend Christmas and New Year's here. I haven't seen her in four years and I'm looking forward to it very much. It's very difficult not to see your own daughter for such a long time. You have to close up a lot of feelings inside your heart. I can let them out for a while shortly. 

I just took the dog for a walk in the cold, windy evening air. It was not a great pleasure to be out there, but we survived it anyway. I think the dog minded it less than I did. I should have worn a hat because my head was very cold, but then I thought about 'hat hair.' That's so unbecoming that I decided to be cold instead. I am a vain enough woman not to want to look ridiculous. Even if it is dark outside and nobody will see me and no one will see me when I get home. 

I haven't watched the news tonight. It seems that the stories on the news are all very negative and cause nothing but worry and fear. They tell you everything that's wrong and no way to get out of it. You start to feel so hopeless and helpless. Maybe they are over realistic and maybe they paint the wrong picture. I don't know who or what influences the stories that get told on the news.

I must eat some dinner, my body needs to get fed. The Exfactor brought me some rice pudding and I think I'll have that. 

Have a great evening, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Up early and then some...

I tell myself that there's nothing wrong with being up early on a Sunday morning and at least I found out now when the first birds sing. I did need a cup of coffee before I could convince myself of that notion and my medicines. It's after these mood altering substances had done their work that I could see the bright side of being up this early. Well, if there is a bright side to it. 

There is some doubt in my mind about that and I think I need another cup of coffee before I'm really convinced of it. But the fact is, that I'm wide awake and truly done sleeping and that even if I went back to bed, I wouldn't sleep any more. My bed is no longer an alluring place to go to. I'm all done laying down in it. I've spent enough time there. 

Today is my one and only child's birthday and, although she lives far away, I do feel in a festive mood as if I have to celebrate all by myself the day that I gave birth to her. The memory of that day is very clear in my mind and will not easily be forgotten. I couldn't believe how incredibly painful it was to give birth. Nobody had prepared me for that. But can anybody explain that properly to you?

I will call her later today. It's not the same as being there, but it's the next best thing. 

It's slowly getting light out and in a while I will take the dog for a walk. First I've got to pick out some decent clothes to wear. Something that befits a sunny Sunday because that's the kind of weather it's going to be. It will be cool, but there will be lots of sunshine. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

On a Sunday afternoon...

Even though I slept for a long, long time, I had to make a pot of coffee, because I was getting so sleepy that I was getting ready to lie down on the sofa for a nap. I didn't want to spend a whole afternoon sleeping, though, therefor I made the coffee and I just drank a cup of it. It is so strong, that it is waking me up already, although I won't jubilate too soon and better wait for what the second cup will do to me. 

I don't know why I thought I could do without a cup of coffee when I woke up. I actually did without for more than three hours and in that time I also let Tyke out. Am I a silly woman, or what? I didn't even have a glass of juice to compensate, nor a glass of milk. I sat here with my cigarettes and acted like I didn't know what I was doing. Maybe I didn't for a while. I have been know for my absentia.

Now Tyke is expecting me to play with him and the ball and his rawhide bone at the same time that I type this, so I am slightly distracted. I throw the ball and he brings it back, but he won't let go of it. I'm supposed to get it away from him. He finally lets go of it if he gets too frustrated with me. That's when I ignore him, tired as I get from trying to get it away from him without success. It's basically an exercise in mutual frustration. 

When we went out for a walk, we met the Yorkshire Terrier puppy and I let Tyke off the leash so he could play with it. He had a very good time running around with it. Tyke towers above that puppy, but he thinks he's still one himself, so it's lots of fun watching them play. That little puppy is fast and runs underneath Tyke and jumps around him like a rubber ball bouncing. It's good for Tyke to try to keep up. It wears him out. 

It's a colder and overcast day today. It's already on the dark side in the living room and I really ought to have the lights turned on. I'm sitting by the light of the desk lamp. There are kids playing outside, so that does create some liveliness. Otherwise it would be a dull day. I am doing alright today, though, compared to yesterday when I was not doing well at all. Yesterday was also my daughter's birthday, so I'm sure that contributed to my feeling bad. 

Oh, it has just started to rain outside, that must be why it is so dark in here. It is because of the rain clouds. We are nice and cozy inside here and don't have a thing to worry about. I don't mind the rain as long as I'm inside and I don't have to go out in it. It's a different matter altogether if I have to go out on my bike. It's better to walk places under my umbrella if it is at all possible.

Yesterday afternoon the sun was shining, but I was not in the proper mood to enjoy it. As far as I'm concerned it was a wasted day and not one worth repeating. Days like that are so unnecessary and I don't think I learn anything from them either. They are a complete waste of effort and emotion. 

Thank goodness there are Sundays on which you can recuperate from Saturdays. You can sleep a lot, which is usually what you need, and you can take your time and do whatever is right for you at the moment. 

I like to be a bit unstructured, because it's the only day on which I allow myself that. I sleep more, as if I have to catch up on that. It's the one day on which I don't worry all too much about how I'm dressed. I take a break from that. I just wear whatever is lying in my rattan chair. I don't worry about my hair and how it's fixed and if it's good enough. In other words, it's a real day off. 

The coffee has completely cleared my mind of cobwebs and I'm not sleepy anymore, although I am looking forward to going to sleep tonight. That's just the coziness of getting into my pajamas and under the duvet. A person can look forward to that very much. I still have the windows open at the top and it's still not very cold in here. It's 46F outside, but for some reason the apartment stays warmer. 

I hope you're all having a nice Sunday. 

Ciao,
Nora

Coffee and cigarettes...

I'm accidentally awake. I went to bed at 8 pm yesterday evening, because I was so tired of the lack of sleep from the night before, and woke up at what I thought was 4 am. Good, I thought, I have slept 8 hours. I got up and let Tyke out back and made coffee and then sat at the dining table and made cigarettes. 

When I was very leisurely sitting there, having my cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette, I noticed what the true time was. It was 1:40 am. Man, and I was wide awake. I had been up for 20 minutes already. I was too awake to go back to bed. I was wide awake as a matter of fact. I had been ready to start the day. My mind and body had been fooled into thinking it was morning and there had been no doubt about it at all. 

There were no last vestiges of sleep left in me and now I just have to wait to get tired again. It will hopefully happen sometime towards the morning and luckily I have no appointments today, so I can sleep late if I want to.

I have already emailed with my daughter and ordered a book she recommended by Frances Falk called 'On My Own' and it is about successfully being a single woman. It's available at Amazon. Being a single woman, and probably staying one for the rest of my life, I can use a book like that. I do want to be successful at it in any case. There are enough books on how to have successful relationships, but to have one with yourself as a single woman? I think a lot can be written about it and it will all be helpful. 

It would be unfair to say that we, as single women, try to desperately carve out a place for ourselves in today's society as if there is no room for us. We must create that room and assume it is there and take advantage of the opportunities. It is only our own lack of assertiveness that stops us. If we're brave enough, there is nothing that can stop us. 

We no longer live in Victorian times when single women were old maids who were superfluous and lived at the mercy of the goodwill of their families and society. Nor do we live in the 1950's when we were all supposed to wear aprons and run house and turn out 2.4 children and bake cookies and live happily ever after and were failures if we didn't. What happened to single women then? Did they hang out in nightclubs and pick up married men?

We're full fledged members of society now and there's no getting around us. We are a group of people to be taken into account and the corporate world and the political world will have to pay attention to us and make an appeal to us. We can make our opinions count and I hope that will happen in the best feminist way possible. 

Enough of the soapbox.

I'm sitting here drinking ice cold milk now, which is cooling down my whole body. That's the drawback of that, but it does taste good and it is mighty thirst quenching. I had 3 cups of coffee and thought that was about enough of that. I don't want to get that wired, since I do make my coffee awfully strong. When you grind your beans for a coffee drip system, you have to grind them very fine, otherwise the water will run through too quickly and the coffee will turn out too weak. Lesson number one. 

I do feel better than I did yesterday, when I was either flying higher than a kite or was floored due to plain exhaustion. In both situations I tried to make sense and I hope I succeeded. Neither state of mind is exactly optimal, but I don't think I go too far off the mark either way. Fools and drunks always state the truth, as do children. Count me amongst them.

My SPN noticed that I had lost weight and it is indeed true, I have lost a few kilos. No doubt that is due to all those sardines I eat for dinner. They are good for you and the little bit of oil they are packed in makes you regular. I also like to eat teaspoons of peanut butter, but it doesn't take much to fill me up. For a treat I eat chocolate paste once a week. Mmm... I should really eat Nutella and I'll put that on the shopping list next. It's better for you with all those hazelnuts in it. 

I have a food intolerance for grains and cheese and have cut them out of my diet. I do much better without them. I have for some time now and can't believe the difference. It's a lot of relief. They were such a part of my diet that it took me all this time to figure it out. They made me gain weight too. 

It's early morning now and I made it through another night. I will take my medicines now and get into some other kind of trouble, no doubt. I'm not tired and will not go to bed yet. Tyke's done a poop by the back door that I have to clean up and Gandhi has just barfed. Isn't it a wonderful life? Animals are such a pleasure. 

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

Up again...

It's very early in the morning and I have been up for a while answering the emails in my in box. This is always an enjoyable occupation that I take my time for with a cup of coffee. I went to bed so early last night, that I woke early again too and that was not surprising, of course. Doubtlessly I will go back to bed later this morning and sleep a few more hours after I have taken my medicines. As a matter of fact, I'm already yawning, so I probably won't last much longer. I did manage to read my book for awhile before I went to sleep last night and I even remembered to put it way and take my reading glasses off and turn off the light. If I read at this rate, I should be able to finish that book in a week's time. Yes, that's how slowly I'm reading. It's not like back when I finished a book in a day.

I let myself temporarily get sidetracked by Facebook to see if there were any interesting bits of news by people I am friends with, but there was nothing earth shattering. Just the usual amusing stuff. Sometimes I look for interesting news stories to post, but I couldn't find anything today that was very unusual. Facebook helps me keep track of my daughter on a daily basis, so it is very handy for that. I keep my amount of friend s to a minimum and am constantly weeding out the group to get rid of not really friends and I'm very picky about who I become friends with. I was less discriminate when I first started and added a lot of artists to my friends, but it was not real. I really didn't know those people, they just seemed interesting.

In the meantime, the hours are passing by and it is now properly morning. If you fiddle around long enough you do make the time go by quickly. I've only had to cups of coffee and one mug of milk. I've definitely had enough coffee now, two cups is my limit. I need to eat some breakfast and I think I will have some Camembert. Without a doubt I'll have to share some with Tyke. He's a regular connoisseur, after all.

Right, I'm going back to bed and hope to get nice and warm very quickly. I have cold hands and feet now. I hope you all have a nice day, or a nice night if that is the case. Think of me soundly sleeping in my warm bed and I will do like wise.

Ciao,

Nora

Another post to let my words out.

The domestic help was here this afternoon. She was a real nice young woman. Unfortunately, she is not going to be my steady help and I don't know who that is going to be yet. I may have several different people here before that is decided. It's a real shame, because I liked the one I had today and got on well with her. She cleaned my whole kitchen from top to bottom. I dusted the living room really well, including the lamps and the picture frames. She vacuumed and mopped the apartment and I cleaned the bathroom sink and the toilet.

I didn't do a fraction of the work she did, but I was so tired that I spaced out and had to sit by the dining table and recuperate. She was a hard worker and didn't take a break. She left me a daily list of little jobs to do, so that when the domestic help gets here, she can concentrate on the big jobs, such as washing the windows and mopping the floors and cleaning the shower basin and all those fun things. I have to do things such as vacuum once a week and sweep the floors and keep the toilet clean and change my bed, beside the laundry and the dishes and the usual things that come with the household, such as dusting which always needs to get done.

Lord, you should have seen the dust I got off those lamps. It was plain scandalous. I don't know why I never did that before. Or clean the light switch covers. I was lucky in that I didn't suffer any embarrassment. I figured she had seen worse and I was a needy case. It was good to have someone in who said to me, "Now you go and do that." To celebrate, I will clean the utensil drawer tomorrow and throw away obsolete items that are sitting on the kitchen shelves that were cleaned today. Does anyone want a toaster? I really don't have room for it and it is in the way of everything. These European kitchens are so little.

My sister and I went grocery shopping shortly after 8 o'clock this morning and we were done quickly, because it was very uncrowded in the store. That time of the day really is the best time to shop. I bought huge amounts of milk and a big jar of Nutella and good things for the dog and Fish Menu for the cats and I threw away their old bowls and gave them a new ceramic bowl to eat from. They can dine in style.

We also stopped by the tobacconist, without to much complaining from my sister, and I got my supply of tobacco. It is very frowned upon that I smoke and I told my sister that my psychiatrist had said to me to please not stop smoking. It is like medicine to me and I would get into deep doodoo if I tried to quit now. It would be different if I were an alcoholic, I'm sure. I would be incoherent then.

I was walking Tyke this evening and suddenly a wind started to blow hard and very threatening, dark clouds raced across the sky, and I thought, 'Oh boy, it´s really going to rain hard now, I better get home and bring the laundry in,' but then nothing happened at all. It was all a false alarm and not a drop of rain fell out of the sky and this while they had been predicting a light rain all day that had never materialized. They never get it right for our little part of the country. I´m glad because the laundry is still hanging outside and I do want it to get dry there, because they are bed linens and I want to make my bed with them and have it smell good.

I changed my email addresses, because it turned out that the old addresses were still in the Exfactor´s name and I had been warned that one day, when the company went through all the obsolete accounts, they would be removed. So now I have two email addresses under my own name. One incognito and one real one. I´ve also simplified the username and the password with the help of the excellent people at the helpdesk. You just need to talk to the technicians and you are in good hands. Nobody else there knows what they are doing, but these guys do. They are the best.

I now spend half of my life being Nora Ibsen and I´m seriously considering changing my name to it, although they are rather strict in the Netherlands about that. You can´t just up and decide that that´s who you are going to be now. A judge has to rule over it and the queen has to sign the final papers. I can´t change my name until after my daughter has gotten her Dutch passport, which should happen this year and she will have all the rights of a Dutch citizen. She´s so excited about it and so am I. Her son has a German passport, so he is already a European.

Every once in a while I have a tiny little fall in a pothole moment. It lasts just a minute, but for that minute I feel like shit, and then it´s over and I´m fine again. It´s hardly worth mentioning, but an interesting phenomenon. It reminds me that I can´t take anything for granted, although I´ve had a good day.

I do easily get tired, though, and I realize that I have to build up my mental stamina slowly again. Doing physical jobs is not physically so much tiring as it is mentally, because they have a tendency to defeat me. It´s the endless futility of them that bothers me so, although I guess if you really get it cleaned up well, it does stay that way for a while, and if you keep on top of it, it doesn´t get out of hand and become a huge chore for you to tackle. You know, I used to do these things so easily when I was younger and happier.

I´m planning on being happier again, though. It´s definitely a short term goal and I feel it is within easy reach. I just have to have a lot of faith. I hope that by being proactive I can make a change in my life. I have to believe in that process.

I hope you all have a great night.

Ciao,
Nora

The Bouncy Castle.

I've bounced back really well after a telephone conversation this afternoon with my daughter and my subsequent session with my SPN, who got my thinking about the problem straightened out. We eliminated some of the darkness in my mind and alleviated some of the pain in my heart, so now I can function again like a normal human being.

I would like to step right back into my hypomanic phase, but I don't think that I'll be so lucky, although I do feel a huge lightening of the load. I wasn't quite done with my hypomanic experiment and wanted many more weeks of trying to keep the reigns in my hands while being so absolutely convinced of my righteousness and superiority. Now I will slowly let that feeling creep back into my being, where I want it to belong and take over the darker clouds that linger in the recesses of my mind. I'm not an undeserving woman, after all. I am convinced of that.

It's strange how your days go. Today I was preoccupied with my own thoughts and I barely paid attention to what was happening around me. I didn't really care that much and thought everybody had to figure it out on their own today, without my two cents worth. I'm usually pretty alert to what goes on around me, but today I didn't give a hoot. I felt insulated by bubble wrap.

The bubble wrap has mostly come off now except for a piece here and there, clinging stubbornly as it will (static electricity), and I'm not so insulated anymore. I felt the sun on my face when I rode my bike to my appointment, pedaling like a mad woman at times and not getting ahead. That bike!

This morning at creative therapy I started to color my doodles with colored ink. I don't know if this is a good idea, but once I started, there was no way back. I just started on my third one and when they are done, I will take pictures of them and post them. It seemed like a good idea, but I am full of doubt.

Hypomanic people are not full of doubt. They are sure about anything they undertake and undertake whatever comes up into their heads, within a certain amount of reason. I mean, they don't go streaking naked down the street. There would be no reason for it, unless they could win a bet or somebody dared them to.

I've just made myself a nice mug of coffee. I am feeling sleepy ahead of time and I can't have that. It's probably the emotions from the past twenty four hours. An over dose of emotions can make you physically tired.

I think that today I'll pretend to be the queen who has been struck by an arrow in her bosom fired by her most ungrateful of subjects, a drunken man who has plotted and schemed for a long time to hurt her most royal majesty where it hurts most. Luckily, it wasn't a poisoned arrow and my head physician was able to remove it without much blood loss and it didn't hit my heart, though it missed it by millimeters. Luckily, I am also ample bosomed and that cushioned the impact.

Well, those are all the fun things I had to tell you today. A sort of rambling post that didn't reveal much of importance, except that I'm still here and as crazy as ever.

I hope you all had a lovely day.

Ciao...

Sooooo tired...

I'm so tired that I've made myself a mug of regular coffee or otherwise I'll fall asleep behind the computer and it's not even 9 pm yet and I think that's too early to go to bed. I'll wake up in the middle of the night if I do that and that's no good, so I have to hang in there a little while longer.

It's the expanded schedule that's making me this tired, I'm sure of it, and I haven't even gone full blast yet. On top of that, my crooked back has been acting up for the last 3 days and is making me lean to the left continually, causing the right side of my back to hurt. I have gotten strong pain medication from my GP, the kind that you have to take stomach protection pills with, but they are only helping a bit and I'm constantly sagging to the left. It's a pain in the you know what, because I constantly have to correct myself.

So, I had music therapy. We spent the first half hour talking about our experience with music and what role it played in our lives and what that kind of music had been starting from when we were children and what we listened to now. This was all very easy for me, because I remember my whole musical development and the stages I went through.

The therapist was surprised at my recent development and asked me how I came about it and I told her about Deezer, which keeps me up to date. I'm no old fogy. I rock with the best.

Then we were introduced to some instruments, which included the guitar and a small harp and a xylophone. There were also lots of drums there on which I really wanted to pound, but we never got around to that. I hope to do that next time. Playing chords on the guitar is hard. I'd rather learn to play the violin. Ahum! As if I ever will at my age. The xylophone played the black keys on the piano. The harp played do re mi fa sol la ti do very well. That's all we could get out of it. Except for some experimental strumming that sounded like fairy music.

We had an half an hour break until the relaxation exercises started and they were very pleasant and non exhausting, just very relaxing. We did them standing up and sitting in a chair, what more can you ask for, except that I kept toppling over in the chair. We literally relax every part of our body, including our facial muscles and we got instructions on how to do them at home. We had to rate our levels of stress before and after the exercises and there was quite a bit of difference for most people, except those who were stubborn and thought they were special cases. They started off with a low mark and ended with the same low mark, as if it had made no difference. I'd kick them all out of the class.

When I finally got home, I had something to eat and walked the Überhund and after that pretty much got stuck in Facebook all afternoon, making new artist friends and exchanging many comments with them and with my daughter who has been sending me interesting links. Here we have a situation of a daughter educating her mother about all sorts of subjects. I'm a willing pupil.

I took the Überhund to the vet for his eyes, because both his ointments were used up and he got another tube of the expensive ointment. The vet doesn't charge me the consultation fee, he just charges me for the medicine which the Exfactor pays. Thank goodness, otherwise I couldn't afford the dog. That poor dog and his eyes, they'll never get better, I think.

I am going to put my pajamas on now. That way, if I am ready to crash, I'll be all prepared. I think I did well writing this post, considering how bone tired I was. The coffee helped a little. I am now drinking decaf again and once I have my pajamas on, I'll get in the sleep mode. It always works. Well, almost always.

Sleep tight, if it is your bedtime. If not, have a good rest of the day.

Ciao...