In the middle of the night...

I just had a cup of tea and now I'm having a tall glass of milk. I figured that I didn't need to be drinking coffee at this time of night. I don't need it to function anyway, I do okay without it. Although come to think of it, I may be a little dull without it. I may make a little coffee yet and see if that will enliven me a bit. I do depend on artificial stimulation to get my brain to perform at its best. It's no good sitting here half awake when I could be fully awake. Especially not if I'm going to write a blog post.

Yesterday I got a nice surprise in the mail. It was a gift certificate from my daughter to spend at bol.com. I was able to get five books that I really wanted and if I'm lucky they will be here for my birthday. It was the nicest thing I've gotten in a long while and it was the perfect gift. I have such a long wish list at bol.com that it wasn't difficult to pick out the books that I wanted. I had a great time choosing them and getting the most for my money. What a blast that was. I do seriously have to make room on my bookcase now and remove some books that are unimportant and move those to the bedroom. I don't need to tell you that books are my greatest treasures. I value them as much as I value my clothes, if not more. More, I guess.

Yesterday was a strange day other than that. I completely wasted it doing a whole bunch of unnecessary things that I thought were important at the time I was doing them. They all involved sitting behind the computer and they all took up a lot of my time, but looking back on them now, I think none of them were worth it. I kept getting involved in little projects that I thought were interesting and necessary, but that didn't amount to a hill of beans and that may as well have been left undone.

Sometimes I get caught up in things that suddenly grab my attention and I think it is very important that I do them immediately at the cost of everything else. It's not until after the fact, when the spell has been broken, that I see it has been completely useless and that I may as well have spent my time doing something completely different. I came to my senses early in the evening and took Tyke for a walk in the fresh air to get those obsessive behaviors out of my head. I'm not planning on having a day like that today. I have to grab myself by the neck and pull myself back to reality where I belong.

My personal helper is going to be here today and so is my domestic help. I have to do a few chores beforehand and I think that the Exfactor is also going to come by. He can go to the store for me and get the few things I forgot about the other day. He had offered to do so when I was trying to remember everything for my shopping list and couldn't think of. I will have a full house, but the more the merrier, right? As long as everybody co-operates and does what they are supposed to do, I'm happy.

I can't believe it's Friday again. It seems it was only Friday just a few days ago, but I'm not complaining. The week just went by awfully fast. I'm planning on reading a lot this weekend. I want to finish the novel I'm reading now and start a new one and I have so many to choose from. When I look on my bookcase I see so many possibilities. I forget what is up there and I really have to have a good look at all the shelves so I don't miss anything. Everywhere there are books that I haven't read. It's like going on a treasure hunt and being very successful.

I have to choose new clothes to wear today and I want to wear something very different than I have been wearing. I have to have a good look in my closet and pick out something fun that I haven't worn for a while. I keep wearing the same sets of clothes, because I think they look good and I'm comfortable in them, but that's silly, of course. I should get out some of the other things. I do have enough to choose from. I must also wear my new boots, which I have been saving for the right moment. Well, today is as good a day as ever.

I told you the coffee would perk me up and it has. I was sitting here as dull as a wallflower and now I am lively and full of myself. It only took a cup and a half and I'm a human being again. That cup of tea just didn't do it for me. Who was I fooling? There's a difference between night and day.

I have to go to the post office today and mail some books for Bookmooch. I keep getting books in the mail myself and there are quite a few underway. That's another reason to make room on the bookcase. I've already looked at it to see what I can move to the bookshelf in the bedroom and it will be a painless thing. I have large binders of administration in one cubbyhole that have no business being there. They look quite unattractive and they should go. I will gladly move them out of there. I will have to buy a smaller bookcase soon, though, and find a place to put it. I will have to look in Ikea and see what they have on offer. My sister has one like I have in a smaller version and it is quite attractive and may just do the trick. I will go to their website and have a look.

I have to take a shower and wash my hair with the blond shampoo. I haven't used it the last few times and now my hair doesn't look quite as nice. The blond shampoo brings out the highlights. If you're a natural blond, I can recommend using it. I have gray hairs sprinkled throughout , but it just looks like I had my hair lightened a bit.

I will go in search of clothes to wear. I will put an outfit together that will be just right. Something cheerful and perky to match my mood. To match my mood on coffee. I do have some idea of what it's going to be . I think I even know which necklace I'm going to wear, but maybe it's going to be a scarf. It depends on how cold it is when I go out to walk Tyke. It is 10C now, so a bit on the cold side. I can take my time because it isn't even light outside yet. That means I can pamper myself after my shower with body lotion and facial cream and really fix my hair well. I won't be in a rush like I usually am.

Have a terrific day, everyone. It's been a pleasure to wile away the very early morning hours with you while you were asleep.

Ciao,
Nora

Election Day!

I slept 7 hours last night. I went to sleep at 10 pm and had to go to the toilet at 1:30 am. It crossed my mind briefly to stay up, but then dismissed that as a very silly idea and went back to bed and was asleep again in a second after my head hit the pillow, so you can see what a very silly idea that had been. Can you imagine me even considering that? It's a good thing that even I have some common sense.

When I got up, I was really ready to get up and the first thing I did was turn on the computer because, god forbid, I can't miss those first few hours behind the computer. I made myself a cup of coffee and was ready to be woken up properly and answer my emails. Now, however, I've started to yawn again and I've just made my second cup of coffee, because I don't want to go back to bed to sleep some more. Enough is enough.

This morning I have to go vote. It's very important that I do. I'm not going to vote for the party of my choice, but for the party that stands the most chance at beating the Liberal Democrats and that I won't be unhappy about seeing as the coalition leader. If they deliver the prime minister, then that's okay with me. Their coalition will be one I can live with. It will be a socialist coalition. So, I'm voting strategically. The Liberal Democrats have the same attitude as conservative American Republicans, so I don't know why they call themselves Liberal Democrats. It's very misleading.

This afternoon I have a date with my friend Yvonne on the Our Dear lady Square at our favorite café. It's been a long time since we've met there, I won't even attempt to count the months, and it's about time we saw each other there. It will be nice to sit out on the terrace and have our coffees and watch the people go by while we chat. I'm sure we'll have a lot of chatting to do, although we have seen each other in that time. Yvonne is a loyal friend and has been there for me when times got rough. The only problem is that it has started raining and it's supposed to rain on and off all day today, so there may be a problem getting there on my bike. I'll have to wait and see how that turns out.

My mood seems improved. I don't have that confused feeling anymore, nor that feeling of being overwhelmed. It seems that sleep always restores a lot and I think that maybe it is better if I start taking naps again during the day, because I think I'm pushing past my energy levels. It's not physical exhaustion that bothers me, but mental tiredness and that can be very draining. It tends to mix up your feelings and to impair the way you cope with them and to also bring the worst of them to the surface. It makes a mess of your thought processes and keeps you from thinking clearly and coming to the right conclusions.

That's what exhaustion does to you. It takes a long time to catch up on a missing night's sleep, is my experience. It upsets your whole biorhythm. I suppose some people are more sensitive to that. Me being one of them. I don't do well with changes anyway and need for my life to be very predictable and have everything go the same familiar way day in day out. I do, at times, have an adventurous spirit, though, and used to like roaming in my car and go wherever the road took me and see whatever there was to see. As long as I had my dependable car to transport me. I haven't driven a car in more than 16 years and with that have given up a lot of my freedom.

Well, I have to go wash my hair and get dressed and then Tyke and I are going to walk to the voting place. Keep your fingers crossed for the fate of the Netherlands today. A lot depends on it.

Ciao,
Nora

Spontaneity!

I did sleep well last night. I went to sleep early and had the sound of the TV turned down so low that I could hardly hear it, so I basically looked at the moving images until my eyes closed and I was gone. When I woke up this morning peace reigned until I started moving around and Tyke decided to assert himself by barking at Toby, who doesn't give a hoot. He then chased Gandhi around the apartment for a bit and finally settled down again to sleep some more by my feet where he is now. I would say that I'm properly awake after all that. I don't think I'm supposed to have many dull moments in my day anymore.

I'm drinking my second cup of coffee now. Yesterday evening I had to go to my sister to borrow milk, because I was all out of it and I can't drink my coffee without milk. We will probably go food shopping today. I'll have to check and see how healthy my bank account balance is. It's best not to live in complete ignorance of that, although it would be nice to assume there's always enough money there (I just checked my balance, it is healthy).

At 8:30 Tyke and I will walk to the tobacconist for our morning constitution. It will be a hurry up and stop expedition, because that's how Tyke moves through the world. He behaves alright in the shop itself, but I keep him on a short leash. I'm sure he would get into everything given the chance and tear the wrappers of the candy bars that are so invitingly displayed at the front of the counter.

I have to do paperwork that is stacked up on the dining table and first sort out the important stuff from the things that can be tossed out or filed away. It will probably leave me with very little that I actually have to do anything about. The dining table has become a catch all for all things, because it's the one place that Tyke can't get to. As long as the chairs aren't pulled out anyway. It's where I keep everything that needs to be handy and within easy reach. I used to be able to lay things on the coffee table, but that's not possible anymore. I was so used to Jesker who ignored everything around him unless it was food and even then he wouldn't touch it unless you gave it to him. He would just sit and look at it. Tyke's not the least bit like that yet.

I have to do laundry, but oh, when do I not need to do laundry? It's an ongoing project. I think my laundry multiplies in the basket. I used to enjoy doing laundry, but lately I've been completely turned off by it. Now it's a job I have to force myself to do. I have to talk myself into it. I think I really want a tumble dryer. I know that would be decadent, but it would make my life so much easier.

It's cloudy and 3C outside. It's going to be cloudy and 7C today, but no rain is expected yet. I suspect that weather wise, it will be a dull day today. It doesn't look like we're going to see any sunshine. What's a day without sunshine? Surely we need our vitamin D?

It's slowly becoming time to get the show on the road. I have to take my medicines and eat breakfast and feed Tyke his. Another cup of coffee would taste nice. I have to wash my hair, because I can't do a thing with it. I think it's time to call the hairdresser. Oh, they're not open on Mondays. I have to find a clean sweater to wear because I spilled food on the one I was wearing. I like big sweaters that hide a lot.

Have yourselves a good day. Mondays never seem that good, do they?

Ciao,
Nora

Sunday early in the morning...

No new snow fell during the night and we are left with the snow as it was yesterday, trodden on by a dozen feet and compacted by car tires. More snow is expected today and more wind from the northeast. From Siberia, as my sister says. Right now it's cloudy and a mere -2C, so it's not very cold at all. Well, I wouldn't want to go out there in my bathrobe and slippers, but then nobody is expecting me to.

I've been up for quite a while. I went to bed very early last night, finding that I had no patience to watch the television and no energy to blog. I would sleep longer, I think, if it weren't for the pain in that darn arm that keeps waking me up. It radiates from my shoulder, because I know I have a bad shoulder and it hurts too. I may end up going to the doctor with it, even if he says there's nothing that can be done about it. I can't afford physiotherapy, so that's out. I think I will get the heating pad out and put that on my shoulder and see if it helps me any. It's very frustrating not to be able to do anything.

In the meantime, I've had my second cup of coffee, I've fed the cats and petted the dog several times, and I've had a tall glass of multi vitamin juice, which was delicious. I'm imagining that my hair has gotten thicker now that I take that special vitamin pill every day, but that may really just be my imagination. It seems that way to me anyway. It would be really good, because I had a thin patch on my head that really showed up and my mother used to have it too. I guess I'm genetically predisposed. My bad luck. I try to fix my hair in such a way that it doesn't show up, but I'm not always successful.

That special shampoo and conditioner I bought for brown hair work great, though. My hair is keeping the color I dyed it in much better and there aren't any roots showing yet. Usually the color would have faded by now and I would have had to dye it again, so it was worth buying those products. Andrélon has them for blond hair too and you can use those products too if blond and brown or red are your natural colors. It just perks them up a bit. Hey, I should be paid for being a spokeswoman again. I do speak up for a product every once in a while, completely free of charge and hey, hair is dead, you can do to it what you like, it's your scalp that counts.

I put my reading glasses on this morning to read what it said on the tube of ointment that I'm now using for my eczema. Much to my surprise it turned out to be a homeopathic medicine. Now, I hold no faith in homeopathic medicine whatsoever. I don't believe in it, so it is with great skepticism that I will continue using this ointment, but I'm going to give it a fair chance and see if it will do the job. It says that I need to apply it 2 to 3 times a day and so I will. I'm not going to dismiss it outright and say it won't work. I will just assume that it will and forget my prejudice. Stranger things have happened and maybe I will be proved wrong. I used to be very skeptic about antidepressants too, and about mood stabilizers, until I started using them. Once I'm done with the tube, I'll look for an ointment that's based on medicinal herbs. When I'm done with this post, I'm going to look up the main ingredient in the ointment.

Oh well, I just did. The main ingredient is from a plant called Cardiospermum Haliacabum, also called "Love in a Puff" in English. It is a vine from Africa, South America and India and the product of the plant is used there for skin conditions. Well, you learn something new every day. Maybe this ointment will work after all. Except that homeopathic medicine just has the very diluted "memory" of the original ingredient in it. So it's really quack medicine, but like I said, I may be wrong. The ointment is called Cardiflor. I'll keep you updated. At least I didn't go out and buy it, because I never would have.

It pays to always be skeptical in this world and to not believe everything you hear outright. People make so many claims and tell so many stories. It's best to be a cynic and to be your own best advisor and to look up information as well as you can before you accept all sorts of Indian stories. It's unbelievable how gullible some people are or want to be, or just are because they lack a certain amount of common sense or power of deduction. When someone says to me that I'm a cynic, I'm proud of it, because that means the wool can't be pulled over my eyes easily. I'd rather be a cynic than the naive believer in things that I used to be when I was younger and impressionable and not taught to rely on my own powers of observation. Being impressionable is not a positive trait. I say, make your children skeptical and teach them to be cynical. They'll be better armed to survive in this world.

When I was young, I was taught to ignore many things that were just very wrong and I was not allowed to talk about them or acknowledge them in any way. That teaches you to doubt yourself and your feelings and your powers of observation. It also teaches you to accept the unacceptable. You can see how subsequently that allows you to get into all sorts of unpleasant situations when you get older. You doubt yourself too much to put your foot down and demand proper treatment and living conditions. You don't know when you are in an unacceptable situation. You go along with whatever program you find yourself in, no matter how unpleasant it is. It's very awful to be denied the truth of your situation when you are a child, but also when you are older and you don't have the tools yet to extract yourself. You find yourself trying to manage a life that you're not equipped for and there's nobody around to show you that it's not okay, that there's something seriously wrong with it. If on top of that you are naive and gullible and impressionable, you have a very sad situation. That's why I prefer being a skeptic and a cynic and I hope I only become more so.

That was a little observation on life I allowed myself. Now it's time to eat breakfast and go back to bed for a while. I've got to get a few more hours of sleep. First I've got to find the heating pad, but I think I gave it to the Exfactor when he had a backache.

Have a wonderful Sunday and don't let the weather get you down.

Ciao,
Nora

On little sleep...

I seem to do well on little sleep today. After I wrote my post very early this morning, I did all the dishes and dried them and put them away and cleaned up the kitchen. Then I cleaned up the living room and swept that floor and the kitchen floor. I changed the cat litter box and put down new newspaper under it for those accidents that are bound to happen. I dusted also, but I see I have to do it again, because of floating around dog and cat hair. That's what happens when you have black furniture. I watered the plants and threw away the dead roses and then I washed my hair and put in the henna based conditioner and let it sit in my hair for 5 minutes so it would really pick up the color. After all of that, I had breakfast and went to bed for two hours and slept.

When I got up I had a leisurely cup of coffee and a cigarette or two and then got dressed and walked the dog. After that it was time to go to my SPN and I walked over the icy sidewalks to get there and it took me 25 minutes without breaking my neck. It was very treacherous. My SPN and I had cappuccinos which we only do on very special occasions. Normally we drink regular coffee or tea, but sometimes she sneaks in a special treat. We're working on my agoraphobia and it's going to take a few sessions.

On the way home I bought some cards for the card swap and I stopped by the tobacconist for my supply of tobacco. When I finally made it home, my face was so cold that I had trouble speaking and I had a runny nose. I made myself a hot cup of coffee and thawed out. Then I went to my sister who I hadn't seen since she had come back from Italy and we had cappuccinos and looked at all the photos she took and she told me with great enthusiasm about the art exhibitions she had been to in Milan. She had bought another mug for me and I'm getting quite a nice collection now. We're going grocery shopping first thing tomorrow morning when the store opens at 8 am. She sent me home with homemade pea soup.

When I got home I opened all the mail and none of it was bad, so that was a relief. I made a little stack of the important things and put the rest with the recyclable paper stack. Then I turned on the computer and answered all my emails and that is what I have been doing ever since. I do have a small ache in the middle of my back, but that's from sitting here too long in the wrong position, so I'm making it a point to sit properly now. I wish I had a harness to tie me to the chair so I would not start to slump.

In a little while I'm going to eat and then I'm going to put my pajamas on and go to bed. It's been a long enough day for me and I'm ready for it to end. I've got a good book and a cozy bedroom. I've forgotten to take the Christmas decorations off the lighted branches, so in the bedroom it is still festive. I wonder when I'll get around to doing that?

Okay people, this was just a short report on my day. As you can see, it went well, considering I had so little sleep. Maybe I'll do that again tonight. Hunger forces me to end this post now.

Have a great evening.

Ciao,
Nora

A story in the middle of the night.

I woke up after I had been asleep for a few hours and got up, because I was wide awake. I don´t mind being awake in the middle of the night, because that´s when I feel best and I´m the least intimidated by life. I am also very clearheaded and I can think straight and as a result of that, I was able to write a story that I was supposed to write for an on line magazine that is going to be published on January the 15th, so I was cutting it close. I already knew the ending, so I just had to write the beginning and the middle of it. I´ll point you to it when it is published.

I was hoping that I would have enough energy to also clean up the kitchen, but I think I´m running out of steam now, unless I get my second wind any time soon, but I actually feel myself collapsing now. It´s a real shame, because I was going full steam ahead and I would have liked to keep going. I think if you´re yawning it´s a sign that you need to go back to sleep. My dog is very loyally asleep beside me and I think he would prefer to sleep on his pillow also. I don´t want to keep him from that pleasure too long.

I keep thinking about that photo diary I made and I can´t wait to receive in the mail. I´m so much looking forward to it. It has 29 photos in it, so that´s quite a bit. It will look splendid when I get it. It´s one point of sparkly bright light in my life. There will be others, I´m sure. Getting the story accepted as I wrote it and published will be another. I´m also involved in a card swap that is starting up now and I just found out which person I am matched up with. You swap any kind of card, post cards, playing cards, greeting cards, tarot cards, Christmas cards, business cards, home made cards, you name it. That´s another spark of light.

Well, I´m getting my second wind and the dog has moved to more comfortable quarters. I´m listening to some happy music, which goes to prove that being up in the middle of the night can be a very good thing. Maybe I will switch my 12 hour shifts around. I can pretend to have nothing to do with the daytime at all, but just let the dog out at regular intervals. Ha, if it were only that simple. I do have to go out now and then and forage for food and go see my SPN. But it really almost is that simple.

I have to wash my hair and condition it. It is very dry and sticking up all over the place. I look like a wild woman, which I am at heart. Just a very subdued wild woman. I will do that after I clean up the kitchen. Oh yes, I´m going to do that next. I will feel good once I have it done and that is good for my self esteem. I may even sweep the living room. Well, maybe. I mustn´t make myself to many promises. I get over courageous and then things don´t work out and I feel bad.

It´s -7C outside and foggy. That means no more new snow, but what there is, is freezing and getting slippery. It´s darn near dangerous to walk outside with how icy everything is getting. I vote for warmer temperatures and rain. I´m sure a lot of people are, except little kids with sleds and patient parents.

Alright. I´m off to clean the kitchen, wish me luck. I need it.

Ciao,
Nora

A nice cup of tea.

I'm having myself a nice cup of tea. Gold Tea from the triangular bag, and a few spoons of sugar in it. I was just outside with the dog and a cup of hot tea sounded like just the thing to heat up my cold body again. I need the sugar for my sluggish brain, of course. It must wake up and function properly after that nice nap I took late this afternoon. The tea is very good, but I need to make it hotter the next time so it will brew better. I will do that with the next cup.

Nothing exciting at all has happened today. The repairman came and I have heat and hot water again and that is very nice, but it isn't very exciting. I've let the day slip away from me. I filed my income taxes for 2008 on line and it was only a little bit complicated, and I checked my bank account balance to see that I was almost broke. That was not a nice surprise, but saved me the embarrassment of standing by the cash register in the grocery store with not enough money to pay for the groceries. A loan from my sister provided the solution and I will go shopping tomorrow.

I will have to cut down on the amount of books I send each month through Bookmooch, although right now I am in popular demand and stagger my books over monthly shipments as much as possible. So far I've given 21 books and I have to send 22, but I have to make different arrangements for some of them. I have mooched 46 books and am expecting 21 more. I am working on the 4th cubbyhole in my bookcase and they fill up rapidly. I didn't think that I would get so hooked on mooching books, but I am and I get real greedy when I see books that are on my wish list that are available. The only way to get books, is by giving books, although you always get more than you give. I just got the shipment ready for November and will send those off on the 22nd.

Mmm...that second cup of tea is just perfect. I let the water get hotter and let the teabag steep in it for a long time.I forgot how nice a cup of tea can be, especially in the evening. It warms you up and is so soothing. I also have rooibos tea and I will have that next. Actually, what I need now is a nice chocolate bar, but I'm unwilling to go to the store to buy it. I won't sacrifice that much for it. Going out in the cold and dark on my bike, I don't think so.

In order to free a cubbyhole in my bookcase, I have to straighten out some of my administration. I have miscellaneous papers laying there that either need to be filed or tossed out. So that's a little job that I will do this evening or tomorrow. They are the kind of papers I'm not sure of what to do with and I don't know if they need to be saved or what. Just to be on the safe side, I will save most of them, I think. I may come to regret it if I toss them out. I will get the old punch hole out and file them in a two ring folder.

If I'm smart, I'll wash my hair first before I do that, because it's kind of unruly right now and I don't want unruly hair. It's got too much hairspray in it, that's why. It's got kinks in it from me lying on it. I'll also put my pajamas on, so I'll be all ready for bed when the time comes. Then all I need to do is jump in the shower real quick in the morning before I go to creative therapy. Well, I better not jump. I may slip and break my neck.

I thought I was out of dog food and was ready to cook rice and bouillon for the dog, but then I found a can of dog food and he got lucky. I had the dried kind, but he pretends he doesn't eat that. I have a whole bag full of the stuff and Jesker refuses to eat it even though it's supposed to be good for him. He is a spoiled dog.

I'm awfully hungry myself and must scrounge around the kitchen for something edible. I'm sure I'll come up with something. I've been known to eat jars of jam. Maybe there is some chocolate powder left to make hot chocolate with. That sounds like a good idea.

Well, adios my friends, I'm off to wash my hair and to sort my paperwork. Have a good night or a good rest of the day. I'm hoping for a nice long night of sleep.

Ciao,
Nora

Before I go...

Well, I am showered and made up and dressed and my hair is fashioned into some sort of style with wax and hairspray, it's always tough when it is newly washed. I am wearing my jewelry and I an suitably matched. My summer dress shrank a little in the laundry, but that's okay, because so did I and it all evens out again, but it is something to remember for the other summer dresses. I don't really want them to shrink, so I'll hand wash them and only toss them in the spin cycle. I am wearing my heavier cardigan and I had forgotten how nice it is. I've got one button done up and the sleeves pushed up, so you can see my bracelets. Vanity, my friend, that's what it is all about.

I do have an awfully sore back and had to take the medication that the doctor gave me. I had a bit of a hard time getting my leggings on. I am waiting for the pills to start working now and it will be a real relief when they do. In the meantime, I have to remember to lean back in the chair and to not lean over to the left side, which happens so automatically. Before you know it, I'm a crooked S again.

The reason I'm writing this is to pass the time and to prevent myself from wanting to go to bed. The little amount of sleep I have had for the past 48 hours is starting to break me up and I am getting awfully tired now. I am not sleepy, but my body is dragging itself through the early morning. My mind is still wide awake and wants to go do things, it's just my body that's not cooperating.

I am going to creative therapy because I want to be there, I have had a chance to think about it and I would like to keep the original classes that I started of with. Those were: creative therapy on Monday and Friday morning and ergo therapy on Wednesday morning. I think things went horribly wrong when we were expected to do 6 half days of therapy, which I first reduced to 5 and then to 4 half days. I am going to ask if I can have the original 3 half days back and I know I need the ergo therapy, because there is so much I have left to work on. I think I will do well with the original 3 half days of therapy.

I will hopefully discuss that today with the head therapist.

Jesker and I went for our walk, It was nice and cool out, but t looks like the sun is going to shine today, The trash men had finally remembered to empty the green bin. It's a little one, so it can easily be overlooked, but still.

Jesker is hardly ever interested in any of the dogs that we meet on our walks because he knows them all and he ignores them. He does hate one big overgrown monster of a pit bull and I hope the owner never loses control of him. Jesker barks at him fiercely. He doesn't realize how dangerous that dog is.

Well, I must stop now. I have to make cigarettes before I go and drink one cup of coffee.

Have a good day!

Ciao...

Getting there!

Writing these posts gives me the perfect opportunity to take a breather, because I notice that I don't necessarily stick to chores of threes, but sort of keep going until I'm too tired to go anymore and I have to stop and do something else. I check my emails and answer them if there are any, that's a good break, but then I forget to have something to drink and really relax as I am on the edge of my seat, ready to go and tackle the next thing. I work as if there is no tomorrow and for me there isn't, because I don't know what my mood will be like tomorrow and this may all be over. I have to grab this opportunity while I can, mad as it is.

So, where was I?

I made a bucket of hot soapy water with dish washing liquid and washed the windows with it with a cloth and a squeegee and I got good results, very clean windows. Then I took the same bucket of hot suds and cleaned all the shelves of the bookcase, but the real surprise came when I got the stepladder and climbed on it and looked on top of the bookcase. Quelle horreur! It was black with dust, so I got my cloth very wet and soapy and applied some elbow grease. I know it is because I smoke that everything gets such a sticky layer of dirt. That's the price I pay.

Anyway, I am now in the possession of a very clean white bookcase with an empty shelf to put a sculpture on, which I must do in a while. I had a basket sitting in the opening, but decided to add that basket to another basket that was also sitting on a shelf, thereby creating the space. I think I have a sculpture that will fit right in there.

Then I got a bucket of white latex paint out and found a brush and painted some sections of the walls in the kitchen that for whatever reasons had become discolored. I brushed it on in such a way that it's not immediately obvious that there is a slight difference in the shade of white and when it dries, I don't think you will notice it.It looks a lot better anyway, but really, that whole kitchen needs to be ripped out and revamped. It's old and tired and inefficient. I hope the housing corporation does something about them soon.

Then I took a bucket of suds and cleaned the tiles beneath the wash basin in the bathroom and all along the water pipes that run to the shower. That had never been done, as far as I know, especially not all those years that I had been depressed during my sons illness. I cleaned the bottom of the wash basin too and even found spider rag there.

Finally, I took the bucket and emptied it in the shower basin and gave it a quick scrub before all the sudsy water disappeared and that was that.

All I have to do now, besides the chores that are left on my list for tomorrow, is walk Jesker and get the trash ready for tonight to put outside. Then I am going to take a shower and wash my hair and put on my pajamas. Last of all, I am going to do some ironing, because there may be some clothes in the basket that I want to wear tomorrow.

I am really beat now and I am getting tired, so I think I will sleep well tonight, but the whole thing has been a fun experience. I didn't know I could still do that much work on so little sleep and so little food. I am ready to eat now.

I hope you enjoyed my journey into this slight madness with me. It's been an incredible experience, like a dream and I am now waking up. I have sore muscles.

Have a good Sunday evening or whatever your time of day is.

See you again soon!

Ciao...

Sunday when we are lazy and at rest.

I'm having a wonderful mug of coffee and my inevitable cigarette and the Überhund is momentarily distracted while licking his paw. That means he has forgotten the myriad of things he wants me to do for him in the morning. Sometimes he is just a spoiled dog who doesn't know what he wants and decides to be fussy just for the hell of it. Either that, or we're having a big misunderstanding, which is just as likely, because I'm preoccupied and not paying the correct amount of attention.

Before I forget and before I do anything else, I want to post this photograph of my friend Von, so you will all know who I hang out with every Friday afternoon.

It's always nice to put a face to the name, isn't it? The fact that this is a very attractive face helps. Von is tall and skinny and when she walks downtown with her greyhound she turns quite a few heads. They are a perfect match. She turns heads without the greyhound too.

I fell asleep on the sofa and just continued sleeping there, even after I woke up at 3 am to go to the toilet. It's me and that sofa again, or I should say, me and that bed, which I have such a hard time sleeping in. I must change bedrooms quickly and not even wait for the paint on the walls. I have such a dislike for my bedroom, that I don't like sleeping in it. That's not good. I'll have to call the Exfactor today and see when he has time to help me change it around.

In the meantime, I've fed and walked the dog and now he is quite happily snoring on the floor beside me. Of course, I wasn't at all well put together. My hair was pointing in all directions and I had no make up on, but I couldn't be bothered just to walk the dog. It would be the height of vanity to get all dolled up for that early in the morning. The poor dog already was impatient enough.

We had the European Song Festival on TV last night and although I started watching it, I fell asleep very soon into it and have no idea who won. The Netherlands didn't even make it through the half finales, which was not surprising, because it was a very bad song. We haven't come up with a good song in years. They all sound alike, like European Song Festival Songs and there's nothing original about them. We go in there with an attitude as if we're going to win and I'm thinking all along, no way, boys! Talk about fooling yourselves.

I keep on not doing the few household duties that I'm supposed to do. I keep finding excuses not to do them, like: oh, it is late in the day now, it can wait until tomorrow. Or: it's not that bad, if I postpone it one day it won't matter. Of course, I keep postponing everything one day and never get around to it, so today I must. I have to get the kitchen cleaned up, the plants watered and the laundry folded and put away. On Sunday, the day of rest, but I must do it to get a good start to the week.

I must also try and put in a full week of therapies and not cut one day if I can help it, even though I know there will be mornings when I want to stay in bed and sleep some more.

I just looked at the spare bedroom and saw how much stuff there is to move out of there. So many boxes, it makes your head spin. What a mess! There's no way I can tackle that job on my own. I had a small sparkle of hope that I could, but no. It looks like a dumping ground. I would be a broken woman at the end of the day if I tried to do that on my own. It needs muscle power.

I better stick to the things I have to do today. Which include washing my hair again. I will do that first.

Have yourself a super Sunday with lots of nice weather.

Ciao...

Happy Camper!

I only got wet twice today and that was on the way home from therapy and when I had to walk the Überhund shortly thereafter. It wasn't that bad, just a steady drizzle that was more irritating than anything else and I didn't get all that wet. My hair is a bit of a mess, so I'll have to wash it, but that is a little inconvenience and I'll look spiffy afterwards, so that is good.

I was up in the middle of the night, thinking I was wide awake and I had the computer on, but soon I realized that I was not nearly done sleeping and went back to bed until the alarm clock woke me at 9 am. I don't know why I am such a silly woman and get up in the middle of the night to write emails, when it's very clear that I should be in bed. I wonder if I even make any sense at all. I don't know, as I'm afraid to read the emails.

Today was my extra creative class and I made my first lino cut ever. Faced with a blank piece of linoleum, I could only think of flowers to draw and called the piece "Opus Flora." Those special little knives that you use for cutting are pretty neat. I don't know what they are called in English, but I had a fun time using those, except when I had to cut out the letters. That was a little bit difficult. Other than that, I do have the patience for it and I can sit there for a long time and make a design, once I know how the whole thing works.

Once I was done, I put on three different layers of paint, side by side, but my piece was to big to fit into the press, so we had to manually press it down hard and it turned out okay, but should have had more paint on it here and there, so I'll try again next time, because I ran out of time today. I was still pleasantly surprised with the result and found it very exciting. I'll make a smaller cut out next time, so it will fit into the press and I will also use the cut outs that are there. Oh, the possibilities are endless and I can see myself being hooked on this for a while.

There were some fun people in the class doing interesting things and I had a good look at what everyone was doing. Some people are making doodles in minute details with a very fine tip black ink pen. Monk's work. Someone is painting Van Gogh's Starry Night. Doing a good job too. I may make doodles. It's something that caught my attention some time back and I have been fascinated with it ever since. I just don't know if I have the patience for it and you do get cramped fingers. First the lino cuts, though.

It was 3 pm when I got home and I walked the dog and cleaned up the kitchen and took the trash out, which I had forgotten all about, so now it's sitting there waiting for the next pick up. At least I got rid of a lot of junk, because it is a large trash bag and I'm always looking for things to fill it with. I have to be careful not to throw away anything worthwhile in my eagerness to get rid of things. Like knifes and forks and spoons and good dishes. I'm such an airhead at times, but I catch myself at the last minute.

I spent the rest of the afternoon reading blogs and leaving comments and I hope they were welcome. For some reason I can't get into my google reader anymore and now I have to read them through the blogger update and the list there wasn't complete, so I have been fixing that. I had been missing some of my favorite blogs and for some reason it isn't showing them as having been updated. That's modern technology for you. I have to do the work myself.

It has stopped raining now, but it is still cold outside. I have to go out in a little while to buy some filter tubes that I'm almost out of. Bbbrrr...it will be cold out on the bike, but I have to do it in order to support my habit. I have to suffer for it.

The cats are extremely quiet as if they have taken a vow of silence. They sit huddled in one place and stare into the distance, not wanting to go out. Toby is staring out the window at I know not what. There's not that much of interest out there. Not even the occasional cat that walks by.

I've just realized that I'm incredibly hungry, so I'm going to remedy that as soon as possible. Then I have to walk the dog one more time and go to the store.

So have a good evening or a good day, whatever applies. I hope the sun shines for you.

Ciao...

Well....

I'm a fine example of an industrious Dutch woman. I haven't done a thing today that required any effort, except for walk the Überhund and clean up a cat hairball. I have done nothing but laze around and been kind to my toe, which I very gently rubbed with a lot of gel and then wound in a bandage a couple of times.

Actually, I think it is the bandage that is keeping it from hurting so much, as it keeps it from being squashed by the other toe next to it. It is a painful business to put on my boots and walk the Überhund, but I've been doing that for 2 months now, so I can do it for a while longer.

So, I have done nothing useful all day long and even the phone has not rung. It is a very quiet day here. You would almost think that I live on an island and have been cut off from the shore. Or I am living a life deep in the impenetrable woods and there is nobody around but me and the critters. I am completely lost in my own world. Is there a better place to be lost in? Not in my book. I have been completely at comfort, with a high sense of satisfaction. Today I was the lone wolf, quite happy in her den with the other animals.

Of course, I got up late and the day was halfway over before I got it started properly. That was extremely pleasant and I hope that happens again tomorrow. It is so funny to skip the whole morning and to not make it out there until after lunchtime and to know that the rest of the world has been busy for hours already and nothing bad happens to you if you do. The sky doesn't come falling down and the sun doesn't drop out of the heavens.

Everything is so relative. I am just a little tiny cog in the machinery and I hardly matter in the scheme of things. That makes me glad and I'm happy that I'm not important in the larger picture. That means I can almost be anonymous and just glide through the world outside without even touching it too much. I hardly need to leave any dents in the fabric of life. I don't cause many ripples in life's waters. Isn't that nice?

I used to have a fantasy about me leaping onto a big stage in front of a huge adoring audience and acting my heart out and emoting up a storm and getting a thunderous applause afterwards, but all that desire has left me and I would now merely want to be a member of the audience watching someone else do it. I'm glad general adoration and attention can go to someone else and not me. I would not want the responsibility of it and I am sure I would deal badly with it and come completely undone.

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In the meantime, it is an hour later, because my older sister called me and we had to talk for a long while, of course, and I briefly had to let out the Überhund. Just long enough for him to do his business and for my toe not to hurt too much in my boot. Luckily, the Überhund is always very cooperative and he gets done quickly, no doubt wanting to get home for his treat as soon as possible. Gandhi escaped into the stairwell, but I've discovered that I don't need to chase her and that I can leave the front door slightly ajar and she'll come back 5 minutes later. That saves me from having to go up four flights of stairs, which she takes a quick as the wind.

In the mail just now I also got news from the tax office with my new rent subsidy and it will be higher than it was last time, which was a miscalculation. So the next time I will get that extra money too. Thank you Higher Power, Allah, Buddha, God and Barack Obama. I will not thank Jan Peter Balkenende who is our prime minister and is up to no good. The Christian Democrat! While I am a Socialist. Righteous indignation here.

Anyway, here I have this perfectly lovely wasted day and I am not about to make a change in that by doing anything useful now. I may take a shower and wash my hair and fix it up again, but that almost seems like too much work. Still, it is tempting to have clean hair that is not sticky with hairspray. Yes, actually, that sounds like a very good idea. See how I can talk myself into that? I have some clean pajamas I can put on too. Sometimes I just outsmart myself. Hee, hee.

Well, with that smart idea between my ears, I am going to leave you and first remember to water my rubber plant, which needs to be watered every Saturday and which I have not done yet. I just pour half a container of water on the thing and it thrives. I have a green thumb with plants that take kindly to me. In other words, plants that only need a little bit of tender loving care and that can take some accidental neglect. I try, I really do.

Have a good evening. Enjoy your cozy hours indoors.

Ciao...

Lazy Sunday...

I am planning on having a lazy Sunday. That includes taking many naps and hanging out behind the computer and watching interesting, I hope, programs on the television. I want to have a day of sheer self indulgence and the least amount of responsibility. Well, I'll take care of the cats and walk the Überhund, but other than that I will contemplate my navel and stand in front of my closet and look for pretty clothes to wear. Maybe something good will jump out at me.

Then I'll look in the bathroom mirror and see if I have any stray hairs on my chin while wearing my extra strong set of spare reading glasses that I can't wear behind the computer, but that are perfect for rounding up stray facial hairs. Yes, I am at that age of confused hormones that can't decide if I am still enough of a woman not to grow a beard. It's the curse of womanhood and hardly ever talked about. Luckily, they are all blond and not easily seen by other people.

I will contemplate my navel while drinking mugs of decaf and smoking handmade cigarettes and think about such issues as will I part my hair to the left or the right, will I make it curly with the curling iron or just leave it straight and what will I do about the two kilos that I gained and will I be able to loose them by next week? See here the uncomplicatedness of my thoughts. I keep them that way on purpose and selectively think that way, leaving the larger issues for other moments when I am more willing to tackle them head on at braver moments.

I will pet the Überhund and have several cats sit on top of me and not be bothered by the addition of hair to my black cardigan, if that is what I end up wearing. I will wear my Pippy Longstocking leggings of which I have 3 pairs in different colors and feel amused and silly by them.

I will also, probably, contemplate the walls, which need a coat of paint, but the thought of that is too daunting for me, so I will not dwell on that too much. Better think of collages and colors and images and texts and that tomorrow is Monday and I can go to creative therapy again.

So you see, I will have a busy contemplation time and hopefully sometimes my mind will wander into an area of nothingness and be as blank as an unwritten piece of paper.

I was such a daydreamer as a kid, that very often I was oblivious of what happened around me and had to be called back to reality with some effort. This gave my parents the impression that I was somehow not quite functional, as in dysfunctional, and they worried about my state of mind. They expected little of me and were surprised when I did well. I daydreamed my way through grade school and didn't wake up until high school where I had to keep my wits about me.

Sometimes, I have a hard time understanding what people say to me and I either fake it and pretend that I heard them, or I ask them to repeat themselves. It all depends on how comfortable I feel with that person. Sometimes this creates misunderstandings, because I don't react in a way that is expected of me in response to what has been said to me. I think people must think I'm a bit of an airhead, when really I just didn't understand the words they spoke to me. It was the tower of Babel to me. I like people who articulate well and speak loudly. I've had this problem my whole life.

I learned to speak up and clearly when I lived in the States. I acquired one of those loud American voices. Hearty and cheerful. I could small talk with the best of them and no subject was out of my realm. It was a problem when I came back to the Netherlands, because I had forgotten so much of the language and I became timid and self conscious about speaking out my thoughts for which I had no words. I was verbally handicapped and could no longer small talk, let alone talk about the big issues. I always reverted back to English.

It split me in half and I was only half a person and I didn't recognize the Dutch one and had a hard time coming to grips with her. I reverted back to being a child in my dependencies and felt very helpless. I had to carve out a whole new woman. A Dutch woman with an American tint. It took me quite a while to give shape to this person and the mastery of the language was a very important part of this. The problem was that my thoughts and my dreams were in English, so I constantly had to translate myself.

I have been here 15 years now and I think I have made the transformation, but I still love the use of the English language and in a way, it will always be my first language in which I can say a whole bunch of things that I can't say in Dutch. Depending on the subject and the characters, I either dream in English or in Dutch. I can say endearments in Dutch now and swear in Dutch now also, so I have come a long way.

I don't daydream much anymore. I've become much too alert for that. I am constantly monitoring myself, as I always keep track of my inner self and its state of mind. Aberrations are dealt with immediately. I will keep an even keel. There will be no tilting to the right or left. My state of mind is like a child that needs a guiding hand all the time and needs to be led on the right path constantly, lest it strays away too far from its destiny. That's the kind of discipline I've taught myself over the past years.

I am Dutch enough now to care a great deal about what happens inside this country and I bend myself over the big issues and form opinions on them. It's a good country to live in and most people are of good will. The politics aren't obviously corrupt and when you vote, you get the feeling that you make a difference. Things could be better and there are a lot of conditions I would change, but I can only achieve that by voting. At least I can vote, which I was never able to do in the States, not being a citizen of that country.

The best part about being dutch is, that I have found my pragmatism again and my sensibility, but maybe those are European traits. I am not a flag waving, take it or leave it Yankee. I know that is a broad statement, but you get my drift. Things rub off on you.

I think if there is anything Dutch people abhor, it is nationalism, having come in contact with that in an extreme form during world war II, We suspect anyone who starts spouting that kind of nonsense. It goes against our grain, even though secretly we are proud to be Dutch, we don't like to be organized in a group of fatherland lovers. We don't salute our flag and hardly know the words to the national anthem, but don't attack us as Dutch people, because we do have our pride. We pour scorn on ourselves, but don't allow an outsider to do it.

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I've been out walking the Überhund. It isn't very cold out, 3 degrees Celsius. That does make difference between freezing and not freezing. It was almost balmy. You get used to anything when it is cold and appreciate any rise in temperatures. It was overcast, but it is supposed to be sunny today. A meek little sun that hardly warms the earth, but does its best anyway. Its going to be a bit warmer in the next few days. All is well as long as you wear layers of clothes.

Here in the South, people are very chauvinistic about their language and lifestyle. The language is spoken by high and low and the life style is Burgundian, with the emphasis on good food and drink. There are many good restaurants and many fun cafés. Downtown is a perfect area to get lost in and do nothing but move from one café terrace to the other to get different views of the old buildings. You can have cappuccinos with cookies all afternoon, though you can alternate those with glasses of white wine or good beer from the local breweries.

There is nothing wrong about being a woman on your own and going into a café. Nobody will bother you and you very leisurely can have your drink and enjoy the noise and activity around you. I have never seen cases of drunkenness during the day and everybody is in a good mood.

Th best thing about living here is that it is a city, but it feels like small town, because it is compact and you can get around by foot or by bike. Once you learn to understand the language, you don't feel like an outsider so much. A Hollander.

Well, that's about all I have to share with you today. Don't forget to read my post below about the medicines.

Have a great day.

Ciao...

Friday morning.

I have come to depend on the Überhund waking me up in the morning between 6 and 7 AM, but this morning he didn't wake me up at all and I slept until 8 AM. Now he is snoring away on his blanket and I am still sitting here in my pajamas, wondering when he is going to demand to be taken for his walk. I let him out back for a little piddle, but usually that is not enough to satisfy him.

Oh well, I'll take advantage of the extra time and start writing this post and see how far I get...

...well, I didn't get very far at all, because just then he woke up and decided it was time to go for a walk, so I had to get dressed and coiffed and go out into the world. Luckily, it was just a short walk, because he got his business over and done with quickly. I say, luckily, because I have to wash my hair and that is always quite a production requiring labor and products to get it in the shape I want it in and there are all sorts of tricks to apply. It keeps me busy for a while, especially since my hair dryer has done a disappearing act and I think I may have to buy a new one, but that is for next month.

When I read what I write, I realize what a vain woman I really am. I am so concerned with how I look, how my hair is done and what sort of clothes I wear and what sort of necklaces and if it all looks good and matches. I could be accused of being shallow, luckily, I know I am not. I am occupied with my self image, but once I am put together, I don't spend the rest of the day looking in every reflective surface I come across. Every day, I live under the illusion that I look good, even when that maybe is not true at all, because I am still overweight and I am 54 years old, but I let myself have that illusion and I fit in it very comfortably. I figure that I radiate confidence, so nobody is going to doubt me.

After not having done so for a very long time, I went on the bathroom scales this morning and found out that I had gained 2 kilos, which does not surprise me considering all the cookies and puddings and chocolate I have been eating lately. I guess it was not a good idea not to go on the scales all this time. I do have to get rid of those 2 kilos in the shortest amount of time, so I suppose I will be observing my diet very strictly as of today. I do have a tendency to be very self indulgent, but I think that is something most women struggle with and that I am not out of the ordinary when it comes to that.

I did the grocery shopping yesterday and got enough stuff to last me for 6 days, if I am frugal enough. I always look at how much milk I have and how much yogurt. I figure if I have those, then I'm okay. They weigh a lot to transport home. Next is the coffee, but those packs are very light to carry, just bulky, and then I always have to make sure there is tobacco, but I get that separately at the tobacco shop.

I order the food for the animals on line and it is delivered to the apartment, but I am starting to doubt now if it is any cheaper and I may start buying that at the supermarket again. I've had a heck of a time finding food that the cats really like and they liked the one I used to get at the supermarket, the kind that has the least amount of additives in it. The Überhund likes Frolic in the little chunks and they sell that at the supermarket too now. It's just hauling it home that is the bother of it. I'll have to make separate trips.

Sometimes I feel like a forager when I go out and shop. It is a question of finding the best items at the best prices and to buy them at the best stores. Stores that are local and that you want to support with your business. You want to see the stores in your neighborhood do well and make a success of it. I always get my hair cut at a hair salon that is right around the corner, where all the local people go and where the upper middle classes don't come, and it is really a shame, because they do a good job and would flourish even more if they had that clientèle as well. The fact that they speak the local dialect should not be a hindrance.

Today is deemed hair washing day and house cleaning day. It must be so. While my hair dries with mousse in it, I can vacuum the apartment. I am so awfully excited about this, I can't stand it. The good part is that The Überhund is shedding hardly any hair now that it is getting to be wintertime and that has cut the need to vacuum down by half. I don't know why I make such a big deal out of vacuuming, once it is done I always feel so deeply satisfied.

Doing the dishes and doing the laundry are my two favorite jobs. The only problem now is, that I am always short of dishes and laundry, living on my own. I have to search the whole apartment for things to fill the washing machine and quickly finish my mug of coffee so it can be washed. This way, I do get clean sheets on the bed on a very regular basis, which is something I love.

I rarely see the night sky, as it is obliterated by the lights of the city, but if I could wish upon a star, I would wish for a new used washing machine, as I distrust the one I have very much. It is ancient and I am waiting for it to stop working one of these days. It churns and churns, but with each churn I keep my fingers crossed. I look kindly at it and tell it that it's my pal and to please keep on working. So far, so good. It isn't letting me down yet.

Well, I suppose it is time for the proverbial show again. Getting it on the road and all that. I enjoy myself too much behind the computer. It's definitely the kind of job I should have, although I would really like to work in a library.

Have a terrific day, you all. There is no sunshine here, but it isn't cold either, so that is good.

Ciao...

Change.

Well, the really good thing about this mood change is, that I've gotten over feeling so chronically tired all the time. I now have enough energy to last the whole day, even if I get up early in the morning like I did today. I was up with the chickens and rattling away behind this old computer like it was an old Remington. I don't quite remember all the things I did, but it took quite some of my time and I was actually running late this morning and ended up having to get ready in a hurry. That meant taking the Überhund for a shorter walk and wearing less make up than I usually do, but nobody seemed to miss my eyebrows and since they are so blond, I think I will keep them that way from now on and pass myself off as a Scandinavian. I also wore less eyeshadow and I think it made me look younger and more innocent, and if I can look that way at my age, I don't know why I bother to apply all the artificial stuff to look better, when maybe I really don't.

So, this week I am experimenting with the minimum look and I want to see what people's reactions are, if any. I've got the trick with my hair down pat now. The thing is to brush it out in the morning with my head bent over and then to stand up and mess it up with both hands and then to spray hairspray on it. It only needs minor adjustments after that, and voilá, I have bedroom hair. I use Schwarzkopf hairspray, because it is like an invisible net of steel that holds your hair in place, even when you are on your bike and the wind is pulling at your beautifully coifed hairdo. The only drawback is, that you can't have a man lovingly run his fingers through your hair, but since I have no plans in that direction, it is no problem for me. I am only to look at, not to touch.

I have found, that I can now comfortably only eat half of what I was eating before the gastric band was filled again. Believe me, I tried to eat more, but was defeated after a few days and had to stop trying to eat the old portions. It seems that the gastric band settles over a weeks time into a comfortable place and then it will not allow you to do what you wish to get away with. I have hung over the toilet bowl quite a few times these past couple of days and I have to admit my defeat. Even the good little cookies at creative therapy are becoming problematic, which is a shame, because I always look forward to them.

I thought I was finished with my collages, but after I put the whole thing together, I realized there were some empty gaps. The page that said nothing but 'contents' in numerous ways, needed dressing up, so I applied upside down images of which I will remove the backs next week. The page that deals with my childhood, and that I kept deliberately bare and dull, was too dull and I changed it by writing my name on it with pen and ink right side up, upside down and side ways all over the place. I guess I want to own that page and put my stamp on it.

In the meantime, I have started another collage on a a large sheet of paper with upside down images that I am carefully choosing for effect. I may or may not add text to it, I don't know yet, it depends on what I find. There is a limited choice of magazines, although I have some new ones in my bike bag that I have to remember to bring in. That will give me some more choice for images and text. I think I have found my niche.

Coming home this afternoon, I found out that I had missed the delivery person and she had put the new cardigan in the mailbox and put a note in saying that she will be back tomorrow to pick up the other one. So, I tried on the new cardigan and I am not thrilled with it and have decided to go with something else altogether in green. I called up and ordered that and it will be here tomorrow and the delivery person will be picking up two cardigans that will go back.

I don't know why I thought I should have another cardigan in black when I already have two and suddenly it seemed silly and I came to my senses. Besides, every dog and cat hair shows up on black and I look like a baglady that way. Besoddled and unkempt. I will not go down in history as the lady that always was covered in dog hair. I do have some amount of dignity yet.

I think I've spent a large part off the afternoon walking the Überhund who can make very convincing and urgent noises that make me believe that his bladder is about to burst if we don't go out now this minute. He has very mournful looking eyes when he is in need. I dare not refuse him and give him a complex. I know that I will have several hours of absolute peace and quiet when I have taken him out, because he very contendly goes to sleep. He has such small pleasures and if going for a walk often is one of them, I guess i won't take that away from him. It is a nice break for me too, as I have a tendency to get very involved with what I am doing and I forget everything around me.

I think the change of mood is a survival mechanism for the tough dark and cold days ahead of us. Already it gets dark early at night and the temperatures during the day are not very high. It's not a kind season that is upon us now and maybe this is my reaction to it. First there was this desire to hibernate and now I have come out of my corner fighting and with an attitude that I will not be beat. I have to be a little bit more ruthless now. It is the survival of the fittest, after all. I do not wish to succumb to a depression. I have made that decision earlier in the year and I will do whatever i can to prevent it from happening. If that means having a big mouth and a chip on my shoulder, then so be it. I refuse to be a victim.

Well, it's time for the 8 o'clock news. I do have to keep up with all the important events. I have sent my daughter a message, but have had no reply. Batteries are probably running low.

Have a good one, you all.

Ciao...