No profoundness...

Today I will mention the fact that I'm waiting for the coffeemaker to get done brewing my two cups of coffee which I am sorely in need of. It is at the end of the afternoon and I am having just a little bit of a dip so I need the caffeine to climb out of it again. There's no question of taking a nap now. It is too late in the day for that. 

My bed doesn't look all that appealing anyway because those sheets have been on there for at least five days and I really want clean ones. I'm waiting for my favorite duvet cover to get dry and then I'll change the bed. The apartment is clean and I want my bed to be also. But first I've got to have those cups of coffee. 

I will not be very profound today and tell you all sorts of wise things about myself and my life. I'll take a day off and resume that again tomorrow. I don't feel like being very profound right now. I just want to be an ordinary, every day sort of person who doesn't impress anyone with her wisdom.

It has been a most excellent day and I've spent it pleasantly in the company of the Exfactor and the domestic help like I do every Friday. I think Friday is one of my most favorite days and that is also because it is the day before the weekend. 

Friday gives me the opportunity to straighten out my life without having to go far afield to look for the answers. I've usually got them close at hand and then I've got the weekend to put them to the test. I can try out any theory I have and see if it fits before I have to apply it during the week. 

I can tell the caffeine is working because I'm suddenly better capable of reasoning. I'm climbing out of my dip and becoming a human being again. I'll be sitting on top of the world in a moment. 

I guess some days you're more thoughtful about your life than other days. More pensive, I suppose. Not so outwardly shouting and loud about it. I am considering my attitude, although my outlook hasn't changed. I'm as comfortable with myself as I was yesterday and very sure of myself too. 

A cloak of restrictions and general anxiety has fallen off my shoulders and I have been set free. I am closer to how I used to be which is good. I hoped to be this way again. I'm not afraid of this person. She's a good human being and I trust her.

Ciao,
Irene

Up early and then some...

I tell myself that there's nothing wrong with being up early on a Sunday morning and at least I found out now when the first birds sing. I did need a cup of coffee before I could convince myself of that notion and my medicines. It's after these mood altering substances had done their work that I could see the bright side of being up this early. Well, if there is a bright side to it. 

There is some doubt in my mind about that and I think I need another cup of coffee before I'm really convinced of it. But the fact is, that I'm wide awake and truly done sleeping and that even if I went back to bed, I wouldn't sleep any more. My bed is no longer an alluring place to go to. I'm all done laying down in it. I've spent enough time there. 

Today is my one and only child's birthday and, although she lives far away, I do feel in a festive mood as if I have to celebrate all by myself the day that I gave birth to her. The memory of that day is very clear in my mind and will not easily be forgotten. I couldn't believe how incredibly painful it was to give birth. Nobody had prepared me for that. But can anybody explain that properly to you?

I will call her later today. It's not the same as being there, but it's the next best thing. 

It's slowly getting light out and in a while I will take the dog for a walk. First I've got to pick out some decent clothes to wear. Something that befits a sunny Sunday because that's the kind of weather it's going to be. It will be cool, but there will be lots of sunshine. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Hurray for coffee!

Finally, after having been deprived for more than 24 hours, I got to drink coffee again after the Exfactor went to the store for me this afternoon. I could have kissed his whole bald head, but I don't think he would have appreciated that, so I just thanked him from the bottom of my heart.

I tell you, drinking tea just does not do it for me and I sit in a stupor and never get my act together. I think it is the influence of the medication that makes it so. It must be a side effect that makes me feel so lethargic. 

When the Exfactor walked in with the coffee, I made a pot as quickly as I could and poured us both a cup as soon as it was ready. After I had the first cup, I started feeling ever so much better. It was a difference between night and day and my whole mood improved. I could finally smile again.

It's very important that I don't run out of coffee again and at someone else's good suggestion, I'm going to put instant coffee on my shopping list for emergencies. Not that I like the flavor of it that much, but really, it will be the caffeine that I'll care about. That's what I'm going to need the most.

Today is another warm and sunny day, but I'm not making the mistake of taking the dog for another long walk like I did yesterday. Inside the apartment it's fairly cool and the dog has found the best place to lie down and be comfortable. I'm sure he would not appreciate a walk in the hot sun now. Neither would I, no matter how skimpily dressed I am. I'll wait until this evening when it has cooled down a bit. 

I've still got to do some chores, but for some reason I'm not concerned about doing them at all. When I was depressed, these sort of things bothered me very much and I was always very worried about them and about getting them done. Now they seem so unimportant and like they are no problem at all. They are things that are easily done. I suppose that's a true measure of the state of my mind. 

Lots of things weigh a lot lighter now and what I was worried about before, I'm not concerned about one bit now. A big load has fallen off my shoulders. I feel that I have all sorts of breathing space and a bigger sense of freedom. It's okay to be me again. Without me being acutely aware of it, my depression has disappeared like snow under the sun. The black dog is no longer stalking me.

I suppose I should be immensely grateful for that and I am. It's all because of two extra pills that saved my life. And I mean that literally. I now have a future again and another thirty years to live. 

I have to go and change my bed and do a load of laundry. A clean bed will make me look forward to going to sleep tonight. I have clean pajamas too, which makes it even better.

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Throwing a spanner in the works...

I was going to spoil this post by telling you how depressed I am, but I've decided not to do that and for the duration of this night only to look at the bright side of life. I'm sure I can find some amazingly cheerful things to write about if I try hard enough. 

I'm not so depressed right now that I only see things in the colors gray and black. I'm sure there are some brighter colors lurking in the shadows and I will set my sight on them. There's some yellow and bright red and light green. Little dots of it and I will see what I can do with them. 

I can tell you that I'm drinking an excellent cup of coffee and no doubt that has influence on the state of my mind, good coffee making for a better mood. I've also got a pack of newly made cigarettes, so I'm all set. 

For a while anyway I'm comfortable, except that I have a dog breathing down my neck who wants impossible things from me. I'll just have to ignore him and get on with it.

I do have an awful pain in my bad shoulder and I woke up with that. I've tried to move it around to try and get whatever kink is in it out, but it hasn't helped yet. I may be coming down with a case of bursitis again. I will have to rub that sport's creme on it and hope it works. 

It's impossible not to be influenced by the quiet and peacefulness of the night. I can almost imagine that I don't live in town but in the solitude of the countryside. The suburbs are awfully silent at night. The only noises I hear are those in my own apartment and those are very minute. The clicking of the dog's tags being one of them and the loudest.

I'm reminded of the time I lived in a village of 600 souls in the middle of the mountains on a dead end road. It was a wonderful place to be. There was much quiet and solitude and company if you so desired. I have fond memories of the place. My kids were little there and had a fun childhood. 

I better not go down memory lane because I'm a product of my turbulent life. I have many sad memories as well and they come floating to the top along with the good ones. It's better to stay in the here and now and to not remember too much. That's a closed book and it has nothing to do with my life now. I'm a totally different person living a totally different life and nothing at all like I had imagined. 

Today my effort is going to be to get the mail out of the mailbox and to deal with it and to deal with the mail that's already lying on my desk. If I get that done I'll be satisfied. No doubt I'll also talk with my psychiatrist after the email I sent him about becoming depressed. I've also got to change my bed so I can look forward to clean sheets tonight after I've watched the thriller that's going to be on TV.

I think I'll take some pain medication for my shoulder as it's slowly becoming more sore. Going back to bed and resting it will be good for it. I just won't sleep on my side. It will be a bit tricky to walk the dog today. I'll have to use my other hand to hold the leash. The dog does pull.

I hope you'll all have a good day. It's going to be drizzly here, but not too cold. 

Ciao,

Nora

...and other tales of comfort.

I just took the dog for a walk in the cool evening air. It had rained briefly in the afternoon and the sky was overcast. There was even a little bit of a breeze and I needed a cardigan over my skimpy clothes. At least the dog was not uncomfortable because of the heat like he was yesterday. Right now it's only 66F, so it's not very warm. I think it's just right. 

After I took a nap this afternoon, I had a small bowl of chocolate pudding because I craved chocolate. I usually do when I wake up, although sometimes a small package of crackers will do. I eat plain crackers, but lately I've been craving salty, cheesy ones. I think I will have the Exfactor get me a box of those and I will see how much I like them. 

I don't want to like them too much and eat them all at once. If I do that, I don't want them in the cupboards and I won't get them again. I make a box of crackers last a whole week and I want the cheesy ones to last that long too. The Exfactor is doing the groceries tomorrow. I'll keep you up to date on the cheesy crackers. 

I make the chocolate pudding last a long time and never run out. I only eat one bowl a day, but I thoroughly enjoy that bowl. The pudding is cold and smooth and satisfying and I eat just enough of it. My gastric band can handle that amount. It's a real treat and it has to stay that way. 

That's why I'm not really going to get any ice cream. I know I would eat the ice cream all at once until it was all gone because I'm crazy about it. It's not such a good idea to have something like that in the freezer. That's why it's so good to have the chocolate pudding instead. I'm much more sensible about it. 

Ice cream would go straight to my hips and I don't need it there. That doesn't mean that I will not go to the best ice salon in town this summer because I know I will. I will have a large ice cream sundae with real whipped cream on top. That will be my special treat. I can't wait to go. I'll ask the Exfactor to go with me.

In a little while, I'm going to change the sheets on my bed and make it a real treat to go to sleep tonight. I'll put on the sheets that were dried outside on the clothesline. They smell heavenly. I've been looking forward to it, but kept putting it off for one reason or another. I'm very determined now. 

I will wash the dirty sheets right away and hang those outside to dry tomorrow. Hopefully there will be no rain and if there is, then that's just too bad. Things are bound to dry sooner or later. Today's shower was only a little one and the clothesline is protected by a lot of trees. I will hope for the best. 

I hope you're all having a good evening and a good start to the week. 

Ciao,

Nora