Moving on from here...

I'm fortunate enough to be able to put the past behind me and to move forward or at least to live in the moment and to not get lost in thoughts of what has been. Now that I think about it, I think I very much live in the moment and that I spend not much time thinking about the future while I maybe really should. I'm always so concerned with feeling good right now at this moment that I don't spend much time looking ahead. Maybe I should do a little more of that. Sometimes it is necessary to make plans.

I have to write things down in my agenda in order for them to get done. If I don't do that, they will go unnoticed and stay left undone past their due date. It's because I'm oblivious of their importance and don't remember that I have to take care of them. I even have to put taking out the trash in my agenda or else I'll forget.

When I say that I can put the past behind me, I don't mean that I don't draw any lessons from it. I do ponder on it a bit but I don't get stuck in it. I don't beat myself up over it. There is closure and I try not to let it play a too important role in the rest of my life. I don't want there to be too much of an onslaught on my mind about what has been unless it involves pleasant memories and I do treasure them.

Not many pleasant things happen in my life which is mostly just a long and boring journey. I must say though that I'm the one who wished it to be like that. After having had a very eventful life with many ups and downs it seemed like a good alternative. I would like for my life to be more exciting but excitement covers a lot of ground and it could go either way. You don't always choose the events that take place in it. Sometimes things can go seriously wrong.

I suppose that's all I have to say today. The dog wants to go for a walk and I have to take him and then watch the news.

Ciao,
Irene

On food and decorating...

That's one thing I've noticed since I stopped smoking. I'm instantly awake when I get up out of bed. I don't have to gather myself together much. I still need about half a cup of coffee to cheer me up a bit, but I'm generally in good shape right away. At least I'm not sitting here dragging nicoltine and other poisons out of cigarettes and doing my head in. That was a very convoluted way to try and feel good. Thank goodness that's behind me. 

I can already smell better now and the coffee when it's just made smells very burnt. I guess I'm smelling the fact that the beans have been roasted. It smells less pleasant than I had anticipated, but maybe I don't have such a very good brand of coffee. It's the first thing you smell when you walk into the apartment, besides the smell of the deodorant coming from the bathroom. 

I suppose my sense of smell will get better over time and I think this is a nice development because a lot of memories are associated with my sense of smell. An odor can instantly take me back to a moment in my past. It's usually something pleasant that I think back on so it's no problem. I look forward to it. 

I had a bit of a slow day today. I had to try and find ways to amuse myself and it wasn't easy. I already walked the dog three times and took a nap twice. I guess all I can say is, thank goodness for the Internet. It does keep me occupied at the most boring moments. It and watching the news are good diversions when I need to fill my time.

I have to admit that I'm hungrier now that I've stopped smoking. My stomach growls regularly and naturally I feed it. At least, for as far as that is possible with my gastric band. There is a limit to how much food I can put into it. I do feel like eating hearty foods like fried eggs and salty crackers. I really feel like eating Chinese food and have a huge hunkering for it. It's too bad that I can't eat those portions, they are too big. 

On another subject, the living room has got all its final touches and, except for painting it, there's not much left that I can do to it. I will always be on the look out for interesting and colorful items to add to the decor. That will be like a new hobby for me. I will also always look for interesting art, although I really think I like the artist that I have the watercolors of now. But you never know what I will run into. I will not exclude anybody else. 

I think the living room and the bedroom will really be ongoing projects and that I will collect things for them and keep decorating them as the mood strikes me. It will be a little bit as if they are showrooms. That will keep me motivated to have them always in good shape and to spend time on making them look as comfortable to be in as possible. 

That's all I have to say and that's more than enough. I do carry on. I've forgotten to watch the 6 o'clock news even. I've got to fry some eggs. I'll pretend there's fried rice to go with them. 

Ciao,

Nora

Gently making it through the night...

I'm too excited to sleep, of course, because today is the day that my daughter and her father arrive. That is a big occasion and one I have been looking forward to. I've spent the last few days doing chores and wrapping the last presents for Christmas and generally preparing myself mentally for the big day. 

This morning I have to get myself in spiffy condition and make sure I look my best because first impressions count and I want to make a good first impression. I've picked out my outfit and have to redo my nails and make sure my hair looks good. Then I've got to face the day with a cheerful face that's well made up. Not too much make up so as to not look artificial. 

My daughter posted photos of herself and her father on the airplane on Facebook. Her father had upgraded their flight to first class so they're traveling in style and comfort. As far as I'm concerned, that's the only way to travel intercontinental. It's ever so much better than being crammed like a sardine into economy class on such a long flight. I always like it when exonomy class is overbooked and I get upgraded to business class. I think that's a real luxury. 

In the meantime, I'm sitting here drinking a glass of cold milk and I've just taken my morning dose of medicines. I'm really taking my time writing this because my thoughts keep drifting off to other subjects. I'm doing an awful lot of daydreaming. It's amazing how one thought will trigger a whole series of memories to come to the surface. Before I know it, I'm all caught up in them. That's a bad habit. I mustn't live in the past. 

I think I will go take a shower and slowly get the show on the road. There's lots of time to do all the things I want to do. I may even get some sleep later on. The sun's not up yet so the day hasn't officially started yet.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Having no Monday blues...

I've spent the weekend trying to live in the moment and it was at times a great success, but mostly very difficult. I had to constantly pull myself back to the moment I found myself in and remind myself not to get lost in all sorts of reveries about things to come and things that were of the past. 

It amazed me what my mind kept itself so fanatically busy with. It was as if it never took a break. It was always going over what had already passed the revue a hundred times or it was busy planning what had to be done and could absolutely not be forgot. Very seldom, unless I very consciously directed it, was my mind attentive to the moment I was in and the very thing that was taking place then. 

But sometimes I did manage it and a great feeling of peacefulness and happiness would settle over me. So I did have those moments and I know that it can be achieved with enough practice if you keep redirecting yourself to the task. I think you have to be very vigilant and not give up on yourself, but keep jerking yourself back to the moment whenever you start to get lost in a useless 'let's ponder that over' session. 

Another thing I've been doing is asking myself the question very frequently of who's in charge here and who's motivating my actions. I try to get that to be my sensible adult and if it's not, I question who the hell it is instead. I find that very often I'm being boycotted in my daily life if my sensible adult is not in charge. Things just don't run very smoothly and in that case I'm my own worst enemy. 

So, I've attempted to let my sensible adult do a lot of the living and taking care of things. She does a very competent job. She's definitely someone I can trust. I know she won't let me down. 

All this talk of different entities makes me sound like I have multiple personalities, while I'm really just describing different aspects of my whole personality or even different kinds of behavior. I'm not split up into separate persons with separate identities. They are all me at different stages of my development. The sensible adult is the most healthy part of all of them and the one I most like to be in. It's the part of me that I can count on the most. 

So, this weekend was mental health weekend and for the near future my mental health will be the main feature in my life. And it won't be because I will be talking about it, but because I will be actively doing something about it. I won't just be passively complaining, which I think was a habit I had gotten into. 

I did do other things this weekend. The World Championships Athletics were on TV and I watched a lot of that. I'm very fond of athletics and like to watch all the different events, but especially the running and jumping because that's what I used to do and what my daughter did. Watching those events brings back many memories and makes me want have have a young, strong body and do it all over again.

Because my sensible adult was present so often, I got a lot of my chores done. I did reward myself with a lot of times out, but whenever I had the courage again I got something else done. The jobs I most hated and always used to put off, I now did with much more ease. Even those dreaded dishes. What helped was to stay in the moment and to pay attention to the specific job I was doing and nothing else.

Today's a busy day with my personal helper coming and the domestic help and an appointment with my psychiatrist. I suppose you'll all know who's going to be in charge here. 

Have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora