Trademark...

Since it is really my trademark to write about coffee in all of my posts, I'll mention it first and get that out of the way. It always makes for a good beginning and sets the tone for the rest of the post. It gets me in the right mood, sort to say. 

So let me tell you that I'm drinking my third cup of coffee and that I'm doing that instead of taking a nap which I was in danger of needing after the domestic help left. I get so bored of sitting around doing nothing but petting the dog when she is here that it makes me feel sleepy and long for my bed. 

I never feel that I can do anything important while the domestic help is here because I would only get in the way of her so I make myself as unobtrusive as possible. I sit in one spot as much as possible until I have to move out of the way when she vacuums and mops the floors.

I don't feel that I can quite relax because I do feel that I have to keep an eye on her as she moves through the apartment and cleans it. Now that she's five months pregnant she's getting a little too relaxed and isn't cleaning as well as she did before. She's done in one hour and she should work for two. She's cleaning the French way. 

She wants to keep working until she's eight months pregnant but I wonder how she'll be able to. I'm sure she doesn't want to lose her job and benefits and I'm not going to complain about her, but I do want to know what has been cleaned and what hasn't. I have to let the other domestic help know. It is a bit of a problem. 

I'm seeing my therapist on Thursday to discuss the fact that I'm unhappy with her. I let my psychiatrist know that in an email today. I feel that I have to speak up for myself, but that it's not a popular thing to do. I have to tell myself that it's normal to make demands and claim what you are rightfully entitled to, but I feel some trepidation. 

I do know what I want. I am in charge of my life and the things and events in it and I would like to be in some sort of control of them. I don't like for other people to come around and mess them up. I would like for things to run as smoothly as I can make them. I do wish for some amount of peace and quiet as I strive hard enough for that. 

Ciao,
Irene

Internal combustion...

There really is a difference between taling my sleeping pills and not taking them. Without them I am less likely to inhabit higher spheres in the middle of the night. I also have less of a fantasy and I notice that when I try to write a blog post. I wax less poerically when I'm not under the influence of a barbiturate. In other words, I don't think I write as well when I am stone cold sober. 

That does mean I won't write a long, drawn out, epic blog post that is about nothing at all. I won't write just for the sake of writing, although there will always be some of that. I do enjoy my writer's role and do believe in the power of the word. But I do want to have something of significance to say. The words can't just be a means to fill the page. 

I can get a bit philosophical here and talk about the purpose of blog posts at all, but all I will tell you is that in my case they serve the purpose of alowing me to air my thoughts. In the process of airing my thoughts, things become clearer to me because it's like speaking out loud or having a conversation in which you get answers. I look at myself think and put things in order. 

It's better than having a talk with my therapist because she only causes confusion with her analysis. I resist her attempts at making me a patient and more than anything want to be an ordinary human being with all the facets that are attached to that. I do insist on that and refuse to be anything else.

Now I've got to finish sleeping. To dream, per chance. I know I will do that, there's no doubt about it. They will be the most fantastic and out of the ordinary dreams. 

Ciao,
Irene

Getting down to business...

It's early in the evening and I've just made myself some coffee. I hope that the caffeine will put me in a cheerful mood because I need some cheering up. 

I've come to realize this afternoon that my therapist may not at all be the right person for me and my ego and this realization does require some thought. I always come away from an appointment with her less of a person than I was and with my ego somewhat shattered. Consequently, I have to spend some time building myself back up again and regaining my self confidence. I'm sure this is not the purpose of an appointment with your therapist. 

I just sent her an email saying as much and that we should have a talk about this. Possibly she is just the wrong person for me and our therapeutic relationship is not going to work out. I thought it was because I was doing something wrong at first, but now I know the problem does not lie with me. Her approach is just not right for me. It undermines my self esteem and I have to be very strong not to suffer the consequences of it. I do want my ego to stay intact and for it not to be broken down each time. I do want to keep some amount of belief in myself. 

I must not really let this spoil my mood, but it did give me cause to think a little and feel irritated. I guess that's the main feeling I have because I have time and energy invested in this relationship and I do not like for it not to work out. I will very gladly go to another therapist. That's not a problem..I need someone wiser than me to talk to and help me figure out life. I'm sure there are other people around who can help me do that.  I have not yet built up the kind of loyalty with my therapist that would make it very difficult for me to leave her. 

I will be an optimist and assume the problem will be sorted out one way or the other like these things always do. I must keep seeing the glass half full. I suppose the most important thing is to keep the lines of communication open. Well, I've started that process now.

On another note, today the weather was nice for a change. The temperature was pleasant and it didn't rain. It was almost a miracle. It's supposed to rain like crazy tonight, but that's okay because I will be in bed. 

I hope you're all having a good evening. 

Ciao,
Irene

A rainy Sunday.

It's only 7 degrees Celsius outside and it's been raining on and off all day. I haven't seen the blue sky yet, let alone any sunshine. I know there was a super moon during the night but it was not visible here because of the overcast sky. I missed that spectacle completely. I have to say that I don't feel especially energized or rebirthed or anything because of the close proximity of the moon to the earth. I guess that effect didn't work on me.

I'm doing jobs around the apartment. Now that I've struggled with and overcome my depression, it's time to take care of the things that were left undone for a while. Not all of them will get done today but that's not my intention. Whatever I don't get to today will get done later this week. I will have a clean bed to get into tonight anyway. I made darn sure of that. 

The dog thinks it's great fun to strip the bed and put the clean sheets on. He's always right in the middle of things, not realizing that he's actually very much in the way. I have to calculate his presence in with every move I make and that is after I've removed the cat from the bed much to her displeasure. The job does get done and the dog helps me put the dirty sheets in the washing machine too. He thinks that's very interesting. Heck, he thinks he has to be present at and on top of everything I do. 

I've put the red fleece blanket on top of the duvet because the dog was a little cold at night. Now I can tell that he's a bit more comfortable and the cat seems to like it too. I can throw it in the washing machine easily and it is dry in no time at all. I should have a couple of them in different colors and replace one with the other to change the scenery. I hope to go to Ikea again soon and see what's available. Maybe I can get my sister in the mood for a trip over there. 

I had a big load of dishes to do that I hadn't gotten around to doing for a couple of days. I wasn't in the proper mood before and that hasn't happened in a long time. First I set most of them to soak in very hot soapy water. As many of them as I could get to fit into the basin. When I could stand the temperature of the water, I scrubbed them clean and was done before I knew it. It turned out not to be such a bad job after all. These things always look worse than they are. 

The apartment is pretty much organized now and ready for the domestic help tomorrow. I'm going to have a busy day because my personal helper is going to be here in the morning and I also have an appointment with my therapist in between. After the fact, it's not really necessary but we didn't know that when we planned it. I'm doing ever so much better than I was two days ago. There's a world of difference and you wouldn't even think I was the same person. 

Tomorrow it's going to be 16 degrees Celsius, so that's quite a difference. Have a great day!

Ciao,

Irene

A brief moment in time...

That's what I intend to describe here anyway, although it will probably turn in to a description of many long moments in time because I'm sitting here comfortably with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and am not about to go anywhere. I'm still sleepy enough to be nice and mellow but alert enough to make sense. At least I'm not in one of my hypo-manic moods and floating on a cloud. I'm completely down to earth where I belong. 

I've done some sleeping already because I went to bed early last night. I didn't have the patience to stay up late and watch television. I wanted to get comfortable under the duvet and drift off into sleep and dreamland. I don't remember if I dreamed or not. If I did, it wasn't very impressive because nothing stayed with me. They must have just been very ordinary things that weren't worth remembering. 

I hope that when I go back to bed, the rest of my night will be like that also. 

There's not much to talk about when you're down to earth where you belong. I'm frantically searching in my mind for subjects to discuss and all I can think of are the things I already talked about on my other blog. I don't want to fall into repetition so I won't be discussing them.  I suppose that I'm not as alert as I thought I was because normally I have no problem coming up with things to talk about. 

That warrants another cup of coffee and I'm drinking it now. Hopefully it will loosen me up a bit. It's a terrible thing when your mind lets you down. It's the one thing you have to be able to rely on. That's why you have to run a little interference every now and then and give it a little stimulance. A mind on its own sometimes can't do a lot but sit there and be very dull. And that is very boring. 

My therapist wants me to see a woman who does breathing and relaxation techniques. She teaches you how to do them. My therapist thought they might be good for me to know because I now use tranquilizers. I'm somewhat interested in this and already know the woman who teaches them from yoga classes that I took a long time ago and I know that she's a very agreeable person.  I was happy to hear that she made it through the budget cuts. 

Today I have to go to a center of activities to see if there's a creative class I may be interested in. Hopefully there's a group of women I will find something in common with. I have to meet the leader of the group today. I'm a bit nervous about this because it's a new venture, but it is very close to where I live. It's a ten minute walk away from the apartment so it couldn't be better. I just have to gather up my courage. Whatever I have of it. 

You wouldn't think I was scared of trying out new things but I am. I'm less brave than you may think I am. There's always a hurdle I have to get over. I can talk myself out of things very easily. I mustn't do that this time because it is an opportunity to get involved with something interesting and to be socially engaged. I must be courageous. 

I'm going to take my somewhat timid self to bed now and get some more sleep. If I'm able to after this second cup of coffee. I may be too wired. Maybe I'll have to pay Facebook a visit first. I'll see.

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Irene

Full of longing...

The headache that I thought was gone is back with a vengeance and I also have that pain in my neck again. They're both on the right side and all I can think is that it feels like a migraine but it's lasting an awful long time. I've made an appointment with the GP for tomorrow afternoon just to make sure I don't need an antibiotic or an antihistamine, although officially I'm not supposed to be allergic to anything. It is a bother and I don't like having to take paracetamol all the time. 

Other than that I'm in great shape. At least I am mentally and that counts for a lot in my book. To me that's the most important thing. I don't mind there being something physically wrong with me as long as I'm mentally okay. 

I saw my therapist today and I had a good session with her. There's always some work to be done and she doesn't make it easy on me. And I don't want her to. I don't want her to mollycoddle me. Let her make it as hard on me as she can. I need to be able to take a licking. 

Cutting down on the anti-psychotics has worked out well and isn't bothering me at all like you maybe would expect it to. Sometimes cutting down on a medicine is a problem and it doesn't go well. I no longer feel depressed and can enjoy the good weather. I would even more if I didn't have a headache. 

I don't feel the need for a nap this afternoon because I've also cut down on the tranquilizers and have more energy now. I don't feel like lying down all over the place. I've also had some coffee and that perked me up quite nicely.

The weather is great, although I've heard that it's going to be less so in a while. I haven't watched the weather forecast in a few days but it is said that the temperatures are going to drop a lot. That we're even going to need our winter coats. I'm not too pleased about that because it means that I'll have to close the windows and turn on the heater again. I was more than ready for it to be nice weather from this point on. 

The birds are singing in the trees as happily as they always do. They have their hearts set on springtime. It's a joy to listen to them. There's a large variety of them that all take their turn being noisy at different times of the day. I hope they are smart and stay out of the cat's way. I would hate for her to come home with one like she did last year. I didn't realize that she was such a hunter. 

The dog is lying on the floor in the light of the sun that's shining in through the windows. He is basking himself. It must feel glorious after the long winter of hardly any sunshine in the living room. I still have to make an appointment to get his fur trimmed. He looks like a wooly mammoth now. All he needs are a couple of baby tusks. He already has the large ears. 

I've got to go do a load of laundry and change the bed. It is time for clean sheets. I have a longing for them. I hope my head can stand me bending over to change them. It will be worth the sacrifice and to go to bed tonight in a clean bed. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

Setting free the elephants...

Today has been an odd day and I feel like it took twice as long to get over with than it usually does. I feel like I've lived two days in one. This is no doubt due to the fact that I got up early and was running ahead of myself all day long. It did mean that I could have two very leaisurely cups of coffee in my armchair before the day started and could contemplate my navel. For a while I had nothing else to do.

I woke up with the migraine that had never left me during the night. I had stabbing pains in my head whenever I moved it and I wonder if I'm not fighting some sort of a virus that's not causing me any other sort of problems. I have to move my head carefully and remember not to bend over or get up quickly. It is a bother, but I will just have to wait it out patiently. I'm not going to the doctor yet. 

I waited in vain for a phone call form the energy company which I was supposed to have gotten early in the morning. That's why I had gotten up on time, but it never came. I will have to call them myself tomorrow so as to not have all sorts of misunderstandings happen about my contract with them. I do dislike companies that don't stick to their promises. It's a very simple thing to call a customer when you say you will. I do so appreciate efficiency and not living in a banana republic. 

My personal helper was here on time, not that I'd be put out if she weren't (I forgive her anything). We talked about the week's events and gossiped like two old women. We are roughly the same age so the same things concern us. She always has some handy tips for me and we get along well. The dog likes her a lot too and wants nothing more than to sit on her lap. The cat has come to quietly accept her, but she does stay a little aloof. She is friendly but standoffish. 

Afterwards I had to go see my therapist for an unexpected talk because I'd had such a difficult couple of days and I needed to unload. There were some big concerns that I had about my mental health that I had to discuss with her. I know no person other than her who I can do this with. I feel that there is nobody else that I can be as honest with. It's about trust and I don't trust just anybody with my most inner thoughts. 

She's very honest with me and will even burst my balloon if she thinks I'm on the wrong track. She makes me take the responsibility for all my actions and feelings and creates links between them that I didn't see. I felt somewhat deflated after I had talked to her today, but I did feel that the truth had been discussed. I am seeing her again on Wednesday for my regular appointment. There is enough left to talk about. 

I had to walk the dog when I got home, but despite the sunshine, it was cold outside and it wasn't much fun to be out there. Maybe it is because I'm sick, but I'm having a hard time staying warm today. 

The Exfactor came and did the groceries and bought me some paracetamol which I have taken and which is helping my migraine a bit. I'm not as uncomfortable as I was before and can move my head around a bit easier. 

I sat in my armchair and watched the repeat of the news but was shivering and fell asleep. When I woke up very uncomfortable, I turned on the heater and went to bed for a nap. That was the best thing I did today. I felt ever so much better when I got up again. I made myself some coffee and decided to turn on the computer and not do anything else that was complicated today. 

The bedroom furniture is going to be delivered tomorrow afternoon. I just got the message about that. I've made space in the hallway to temporarily put it until it can be put together and put in place. I'm excited about that. I can't wait for that room to be empty so I can furnish it. 

I'm feeling extremely low key and not at all like I'm rapid cycling. I would even say that I'm mildly depressed, but that may be because I'm sick. I need to take care of myself well. I will do kind deeds for myself. Somebody has to take care of me. It can only be me because I'm the only one here. 

I hope you all had a good day today. 

Ciao,

Irene

The reward system...

I had a busy day and want to reward myself for it. Of course, my mind thinks of a cigarette as if that is the only way I can reward myself for a day well spent. Why in the world would I even need a reward for it? Would it be to congratulate myself because it all went well? That's possibly the reason, but I've got to think of a better way to make myself feel good. 

I had to go to Specsavers at 10 am to pick up my varifocal glasses, so I rode my bike into town very leisurely and did that. They had to be adjusted to fit my head properly and I had to take one of the eye tests over again because I had not received the letter from the eye doctor and they were afraid that I had got lost in the system.

These varifaocals are well made and I have no problems with them like I did with the other ones. I had to tilt my head with the other ones because the lenses hadn't been put in the frame right. Since I hardly ever wore them, this was not much of a problem, but it's nice to have a pair of properly fit ones. I do wear these constantly now and have been complimented on them already. 

I ate a sausage roll at the Hema department store and made it just on time for my appointment with my therapist at 11 am. There we discussed my regular forrays into hypomania and how to best get through them and my acceptance of my illness which is not complete. I do feel embarrassment about it and try to make everything look better to the outside world than it is. 

Next, I had an appointment with my psychistrist about my medication, but I told him to leave everything just the way it is now, please. If we were to start juggling with my pills, I could really get into trouble because I'm already rapid cycling and that would make it worse. Luckily, he agreed with me and we made another appointment for two weeks from now to keep a finger on the pulse. 

After that, I had to go to the pharmacy to get a prescription filled and to try and return an unused box of nicotine patches, but I was unsuccessful with that. They don't buy back any medication that you've had at home and can't sell it either. It's a law apparently. So, I'm stuck with them, much to my disgust. 

When I got home, I realized that the dog had the beginning of an eye infection, so I took him to the vet and he did some tests and gave me some ointment for his eye. I have to put some in twice a day and the dog is really good about it.

Then I took a nap. 

In a little while I have to call my older sister whose blood tests results came back abnormal and who very suddenly had to have an echo made of her liver and the rest of her stomach. I do worry about her. She's been having physical complaints for some time. Because she has so much stress in her life, she thought that this was the cause of them. I wish I was there with her and could go to the doctor with her. 

I've got to get a lot of sleep. I have to catch up on what I didn't get when I was hypomanic.I feel like sleeping a lot and would like nothing better than get into bed and sleep some more. I have to put it off for a while, though. I still have to eat dinner too. 

I've discovered a new way to get the dog to stop bothering the cat. It works full proof. One day when I'm not so tired, I'll tell you about it. 

Ciao,

Irene

Irene's Dutch Diva Blog

Happiness in the evening...

I had a strawberry jam sandwich with the crusts cut off. I can handle that if I don't immediately try to drink a cup of coffee afterwards. I do have to wait for the sandwich to make its way down which was kind of a shame because I was in high need of the coffee. I was not only hungry, but also discombobulated because I had just woken up from an unplanned nap.

Because I was so discombobulated, I was ready to throw myself off a high cliff, but I knew I just needed some caffeine so I had to be patient for a little while. And let me tell you, smoking a cigarette does absolutely nothing to make me feel better at such a time. Nicotine does nothing for me mentally when I feel that messed up. 

I went by the pharmacy today and got the new supply of nicotine patches so I can stop smoking again tomorrow. I've smoked for 9 days and am more than eager to quit again. I'll throw away all the tobacco that's left and flush it down the toilet. That way there will be no temptation. I'm smoking as I write this and my chest doesn't feel so good. My body will be glad when I quit. 

I had to go see my therapist today and there was a strong cold wind blowing that I had to ride my bike into and I realized how out of shape I was because I had started smoking again. I had to go uphill at one point and barely made it. That was pretty bad because before I got up there easily. People aren't meant to smoke. It's a pretty bad thing to do to yourself. I certainly notice the difference after not having smoked for a month. 

It's because I became hypo-manic that I started again and my therapist said that it's one of the pitfalls for people who are bipolar. It's harder for us to quit, but that just makes me more determined. I know where the danger lurks now and I'm a warned woman. I'll be smarter the second time around. I look forward to the challenge. 

My therapist found out that I'm a super perfectionist and that made me cry. It was as if she discovered a deep dark secret. Ever since then I've been paying close attention to myself and I notice that I strive for perfectionism in everything I do. It doesn't matter how insignificant the deed is. Every move I make has to be perfect. Every single thing I do has to be perfect. 

Now that I'm aware of that, I can tell myself that they don't have to be, that it isn't necessary. Because I tell myself that, and believe it, I feel a load of stress fall off my shoulders. I purposely am going to do everything imperfectly, just however it turns out. I'm going to allow myself to make errors, if you even want to call them that. I'm not going to strive to be perfect anymore and I'm going to be constantly aware of that and catch myself doing it. 

Vive la vie!

It's very exhausting to have to be perfect all the time. It wears you out emotionally. You have to be a very strong person to carry the load. My therapist says that I'm a strong and courageous person. I have to believe that because she doesn't have to say that. I don't think she says it to make me feel better. I assume they aren't empty words. 

This is something I share with you that I don't share on my other blog. I feel more comfortable saying it here. I have to be more perfect on my other blog. I have to keep up appearances there. It's not that I don't like my other blog. It serves its purpose too. I do have to have a public self. Everybody has to. We all have to function outside in the big world.

Well, it's rime to move on to other things. Be good.

Ciao,

http://irenesieders.typepad.com/irenes-dutch-diva-blog/

Post haste...

Outside it is raining hard and it has been almost non stop all day. Whenever I think about taking the dog out for a walk, it starts raining again so he has only been able to go out back. He's not too enthused about it and doesn't really want to be outside. Neither does the cat who's been very cozily staying in all day. I think we are hibernating today. 

I'm glad it wasn't this weather yesterday when I had to go out twice. Once to go to my GP and once to go see my therapist and to go to the pharmacy. I would have been miserable on my bike if it had rained like this. I do always seem to get lucky and avoid the worst of the weather. It's usually on my days off that it rains so bad. 

I saw my GP for the stomach problems that I have been having for quite a while now. I can't eat or drink anything without it causing me trouble and I very often have a stomach ache or cramps. I thought it was more than high time that I had it looked at. For now she prescribed some medication that should start working in a couple of days time, but I have to see her again in two weeks. 

I also had to donate some blood to run some tests on and to also check my thyroid function which had not been done in two years. I was one year too late with that. It goes to show you that I don't go to the doctor enough. I kind of neglect that.

I had not seen my therapist in a long while and had to fill her in on the latest news. I did that in the shortest amount of  time possible without making it sound dramatic. The conclusion was the most important thing to tell. It's what lesson you learn from your experiences that counts. How much wisdom do you gain? 

I made an appointment with her for a month from now. I want to be self reliant and not be guided in every step of the process along the way. I think I should be my own support and inspiration.

I am well on my way to having figured out a lot of things now and I know that I can count on myself a lot when it comes to making decisions. I'm wiser than I thought I was. The wisdom just gets snowed under now and then by my sometimes fragile emotions, but less and less so. 

The seed of optimism is growing larger inside myself and taking up more room. It's hard to get around its presence anymore. It has taken on a life of its own and exists whether I want it too or not. It is an almost independent entity. Pretty soon I'll call it the tree of optimism. 

I think I have to take the dog out now. It has been dry for a while. I will have to take the chance.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

For better or worse...

Through the course of the day yesterday, the bug I had moved from my throat and my chest to my stomach and my belly. In other words, it made its rounds. I felt the worst in the afternoon when I laid down in bed and had a fitful sleep and stomach spasms. I was aware of feeling very sick and making it a point to try and not wake up and consciously experience it. 

That did get me through the bad part, although I had the chills for the rest of the day into the evening. Now that I'm up in the middle of the night, I feel better and I think the worst of it is over. I don't nearly have the aches and pains in my body that I had and my head feels more normal too. It doesn't feel in a sick state anymore. 

It must have been a 24 hour bug and I should be fine in the morning. I told you that I never do get properly sick like other people do for days on end. I get being sick over and done within the shortest amount of time. 

Except for the bother of the aches and pains, it was very boring to be sick and I hope I don't have to repeat it any time soon. You can't do any of the things that you regularly do and on top of everything, I missed my appointment with my therapist. Food and drink don't taste very good either and are no diversion. At the end of the day I ate some crackers, but that was it. 

I crave a milkshake, but I'm having some ice cold milk instead. I wasn't able to drink that yesterday. It's a good sign that I can drink it now without my stomach protesting.

I've got to go back to bed and finish sleeping. I look forward to being a healthy person again the morning. 

Ciao,

Nora

Things to ponder at night...

I feel ever so slightly ill as if I'm getting the flu. When I was lying in bed, I had the chills and I had a funny feeling in my chest as if a malady was settling there. I'm not quite myself right now, but I never do get properly sick and I'm sure that by the morning, I'll be right as rain again. That big virus that's been going around hasn't floored me yet. I seem to have a good immune system. People around me get ill, but I never do. 

I've got an appointment with my therapist in the morning. I haven't seen her in quite a while. An appointment I had with her before Christmas was canceled and a lot has happened since then. You see that I manage quite well without her. It's not necessary to discuss every detail of what is happening in my life with her, but it will be good to touch base with her. I feel less need to have all sorts of help and back up and reassurances. I do feel capable of independent thought and taking independent actions. 

I find that people close to me function well as listening posts also. I talk to them about things and they don't even have to give me advice. I just tell them what I run up against and make my own decisions. All they really have to do is sit and listen and sympathize as much as they can. It's for me to get the story straight in my mind. The Exfactor serves that purpose very well. He is a good listener without wanting to give all sorts of advice. I get to clear my head and put things in order. That's all I really need. 

I think smart actions result from a combination of listening to your instincts and using your intelligence. If you ignore your gut reactions, you'll go off in the wrong direction, but you've got to keep your wits about you too. I'm unsure how closely instinct and intelligence in people are related. That's something I've never researched. It would be an interesting subject to read about. 

I will go back to bed. I should take something against aches and pains. That's typical for flu, isn't it? I will wish myself well. I will imagine my body fighting whatever bug it's got while I'm comfortably esconded under the duvet. 

Ciao,

Nora

My second cup of coffee...

I will not drink my second cup of coffee with the same eagerness that I drank my first cup of coffee. It is too bitter for that. As a  mater of fact, I can't wait to have my first tall glass of cold milk. But I will finish the coffee first. I'm committed to it. 

I obviously didn't eyeball the ground coffee correctly when I scooped it into the filter. I still don't have it down to a science. It's still a hit and run business with the result that sometimes I have awfully weak coffee, but more often a very bitter one. The mouth puckering kind that wakes you up instantly. 

I don't mind being wide awake in the middle of the night because I know I will go to sleep again eventually. I just can't finish what's in the pot that I so enthusiastically made. I have to stop drinking it before I get too wired. That's why drinking the milk is good. It will put me in a stupor again. 

Speaking of stupors reminds me of the fact that I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a couple of months. I actually had forgotten about him and don't think about going to have a talk with him about anything. I suppose I don't feel the need to and that can only be good. He renews my medications once a month, but I'm not in direct contact with him about them. I suppose he thinks that no news is good news. And it is. 

I'm not so helpless that I wouldn't know how to find him if there was a need. I have good contact with my new therapist and I know she keeps him up to date. Nothing really earth shattering is happening in my life. I can deal with the few problems I run into with a little bit of help. I solve a lot on my own. I have learned a lot. As long as my life stays as simple as it is now, I can handle it. 

I've gotten sleepy from drinking the milk and I'm going back to bed to finish my night's rest. I've already started to yawn. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Back in business...

I had to do without my computer for more than twenty four hours while Ubuntu was removed from it and Windows XP was reinstalled. This was an operation I could not do myself, believe me, I tried. Having to do without my computer for that amount of time didn't cause me too many withdrawal symptoms, because instead of getting up in the middle of the night to blog, I slept instead. This was a novel experience and caused me to have many weird dreams which I don't necessarily want to have again. I like my broken up nights better.

Tonight I woke up just as I was trying to make Beef Wellington from a book by a famous author whose recipe was not clear. You know I would have run into all sorts of frustrations if I had tried. It would have been a tough dream getting all the ingredients right, so I was glad that I woke up. I had enough sense to make coffee and have a cup and now I'm completely coherent and happy for the experience. I like this so much better than sleeping through the night. I really do my best thinking in the middle of the night. I still don't know why that is, but I'll just accept it as a given. 

Remember how I told you that I had started to wear make  up again? Well, I'm getting positive feedback on that so I'm on the right track. People also compliment me on my hair, though all I've done is comb it differently.  You see how little changes can make such a big difference. I'm glad for the positive feedback because it makes me want to try extra hard to make the effort. I know it's worth it to spend the extra fifteen minutes or so in front of the mirror in the morning. Well, it's actually not that long, but just by way of speaking. I do take my time applying my make up and taking care of my skin. Not necessarily in that order. 

I'm also paying extra attention to my clothes and trying to put together different outfits that I haven't worn before. That's a bit of a challenge but a lot of fun. I take immense pleasure in looking inside my closet and coming up with new combinations. I want for them to be flattering as well as warm enough and I usually succeed. I do have a few stand by's that are favorite pieces of clothing that I can always count on. They are basic parts of my wardrobe. 

I've been wearing necklaces to decorate myself with because the earrings have not been a big success. They do irritate my ears and I'm going to have to get some gold studs that I can always wear without the danger of getting an allergic reaction. There must be some nickel after all in the earrings that I do have. I saw some silver ones that I liked and that were affordable, but they are no option. They've got to be gold. Maybe those will be a treat to myself at Christmas. A woman's got to be good to herself, after all. I'll have to see what I can do. 

It's Friday again and the week has gone by very quickly, but then it usually does when I have a few appointments like I did this week. It doesn't take much to keep me busy. Just a few out of the ordinary things will do. If I have at least one event a day, I'm happy. Seeing my therapist this week was very good because she reaffirms my believe in myself and makes me feel very normal. You can't ask for more than that. The same goes for my personal helper, though she has a tendency to want to nurture me too much. I do have to prevent that from happening.

The dog's fur is growing in again and he is starting to look more like himself and more like the stuffed animal that he always used to looks like. It's very cute and makes you want to cuddle him all the time. It's much better than that scanty trimmed look that he had. Even the cat seems to like him better this way and constantly goes up to him to rub heads with him and press her body against him. He very generously lets her. 

It's time for me to go back to bed and get the rest of my sleep. I hate to go and could sit here for a while longer, but I do have to be sensible. Sometimes I have to be anyway. If only for limited periods of time. Tomorrow morning the Exfactor will no doubt wakep me up bright and early when he comes to do the groceries. 

Ciao,

Nora

No dramas and no punchlines...

It's the end of the afternoon and the sun is setting. Much to my amazement, the day is already done. It went by very quickly or should I say, it is getting dark very soon? There is still a long evening ahead of me and I've got to try and entertain myself as well as possible. I will do the dishes in a little while. That ought to keep me out of trouble. I've also got to fold and put away the laundry.

Actually, the day did go by quickly, although I really didn't do that many things. I did sleep until the last minute before I had to go see my therapist. I had forgotten to set the alarm clock, but I woke up on time on my own. That was a lucky thing. You get charged nowadays for every appointment that you miss. 

I had to go by the pharmacy to pick up the medicine that I was short of. I thought maybe it had been forgotten, but it was there and I could take it home with me straight away. Even with my glasses on I don't have to say who I am. I do get recognized. I wonder why that is? I don't go in there that often. I mostly have my medicines delivered at home. There must be some feature in my face that's very recognizable. I hope it's not my nose.

The front tire of my bike was awfully low of air and I pumped it up. I hope it will stay pumped up, otherwise it will have to be patched. There's always glass on the road somewhere and although I try to avoid it, it's not always possible to get around the little splinters. Those are just the kind of things that get into your tire and cause a slow leak. The Exfactor will patch it, but I hate to ask him. He already does me enough favors.

I wore my winter sweater today. It is a little big on me but very comfortable. It is the only true winter sweater that I have. The rest of the time I wear layers. I think this ought to motivate me to knit a sweater and I'm giving it some serious thought. Of course, it would help if I could read a pattern, so I'm going to need some help. I already have a half baked scheme in my head. I will follow up on this over the next few weeks. Watch this space for further developments. 

I've got to fix some dinner. My body needs to get fed too. I can't just feed my soul. If it were that easy, I would live on air and coffee. I practically do now anyway. I love how empty my stomach feels sometimes. So flat and skinny. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening. 

Ciao,

Nora

What not to do...

I tried to sit here and function without having a cup of coffee, but my mind refused to move out of neutral while I kept revving the engine with the hand break on. That sounds awfully complicated and I don't even know if that's technically possible. I always used to drive an automatic and that's a long time ago. 

Maybe I should add: don't try this at home unsupervised.

Well anyway, I do have a very strong cup of coffee now and it's made me as alert as I can get. It's making my toes curl in their socks and I don't know if I wanted the effect to be quite that hefty. I accidentally made the coffee quite a bit stronger than I had intended. Now I'm stuck with the consequences. It's always feast or famine here.

I've already been asleep, but I woke up in a sweat. My T-shirt was sticking to my chest. I was not aware of having done anything strenuous during my sleep, nor had I been having any bad dreams, so I'll blame it on hormones. I must have some errant ones coursing through my body. And then there are those thyroid hormones I take every day. No doubt there are ups and downs all day and night. 

There is the matter of there being no rest for the wicked and when I can't sleep, I think I must be very wicked indeed. Especially when I wake up in a sweat because is that not the sign of a guilty conscience? Maybe I was very badly behaved in a former life and it's come to haunt me now. It would be helpful if I knew what sins I committed just to avoid the pitfalls. 

I did nothing of interest all day. The most exciting thing I did was make a shopping list so the Exfactor could do the groceries. And the shopping list was very boring because every food on there was very bland to take into account the state of my stomach. I did find out that vanilla pudding agrees with it well. This led to an over consumption of it and I still feel very full. I feel like a sloth. Isn't slothfulness a deadly sin? 

I must make myself go back to bed. Even wicked people need their sleep. I've got an appointment with my therapist in the morning. I must be well rested for it.

I wish you a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

No, not writing that...

In order not to write down any nonsense, I'll have to severely censor myself. I sometimes have no business writing a post and when I do, I have to edit it better and leave out half of what I put down because it is sheer poppycock. Having established that, I will now very carefully try to write a halfway decent post that's not full of malarkey.

It's late at night and I'm sitting here in my pajamas with my cup of coffee and my cigarette. I really need to check if my bathrobe is dry after I had washed it because I'm a little bit chilled. I will do that shortly after I have finished this cup of coffee. It's the little comforts that make life worth living and a warm bathrobe is one of them. It's good not to take that for granted. 

I am now having a long moment of sheer contentment and happiness for no apparent reason at all, except that all is well with the world. All is well with my world. All the ingredients are in place to make it so and I do feel that I have to mention it. I feel a total absence of stress and anxiety and can only count myself lucky for what I feel instead and I appreciate the contentment even more than the happiness. 

In the meantime, I've put on my bathrobe and it smells of washing powder and is warm and comfortable. It envelops me completely and reaches down to my ankles. What more could I ask for? 

The dog is gently snoring on the sofa and it sounds very cozy. He was trimmed yesterday and is only a shadow of his former self. He does look awfully cute and his eyes look twice as big in his new short haired appearance. He hasn't shivered yet and doesn't seem bothered by the loss of all his fur. Hopefully, it will not get too cold for a while and he will get the chance to grow back some of it before winter comes. I will not have him trimmed again now until early springtime. 

My appointment with my new therapist went well, although I didn't have much to talk about. I think I need to be a little more forthcoming. I will be as I get more comfortable with her. She's a very kind woman and I have no reason not to trust her, but it will take me a while to get used to her. I will slowly let her in on my life. Little by little. 

The Exfactor and I did the groceries yesterday and that was a huge success. I had made a list of things I wanted to get and it was quite different than it had been in the past because I'm changing my diet so drastically. That's why I had to go to the store myself, to see what was available for me to eat. I basically had to stock up on some things and get fresh fruit. 

I got some very good plums, one to eat every day because that's all I can handle with my gastric band. At least, if I do want to eat other food too. I had a small dish of Mexican rice for lunch and a beef patty cooked in butter for dinner. That was delicious, but I still feel full now, hours later. 

Today will be a fairly quiet day as Thursdays usually are. It's raining now, but the weather should improve during the day. I only have a few chores to do, but if the weather allows it, I will take the dog for a long walk.

I'm going to bed now to lie under the warm duvet. I hope you'll all have a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

If you're happy, clap you hands...

I'm up much earlier than I was planing to be, but that does mean that I'll get enough sleep still before I have to get up to get ready for my appointment with my therapist. I'll be able to get up on time to drink coffee, get dressed and walk the dog leisurely before I have to leave. I'll not have to rush and that's my kind of planning. 

I do hate having to do things at the very last minute without having a chance to contemplate my navel. There always has to be some time for contemplation. I need to pull my thoughts together and remember who I am. And most importantly, to find out what mood I'm in, although it's usually the same one each morning. I do like to double check. 

Last week my appointment was canceled. I was in the bathroom getting ready when the secretary called to say that the therapist was sick. And I almost didn't answer that phone call. That was to have been my first official appointment, so now today's will be. I'm more than ready for it, but basically I feel good and have nothing to complain about. That's nice for a change too. It will get us off to a good start. 

Yesterday morning my sister came and picked me up to go to the optician downtown. We parked the car at the garage and walked to the optician in the little street it was in. It wasn't very busy downtown like it can be sometimes. That was kind of a relief. It was a joy to walk through the streets on the cobblestones and have room to move. 

Once at the shop, it took me only a short time to pick out the glasses that I wanted with the help of my sister and the optician. I only tried on a few before I found them. They are a nice modern looking pair, but I do have to say that there was a good selection to choose from. 

Then I had to have my eyes checked and it seems that this wasn't done properly in the past because the optician came out with different values than I had before. The last time my eyes were checked, they weren't checked by an optician, but by a co-worker who had a college education and a diploma. He wasn't a true optician. 

I had my eyes checked for both far away and up close and my astigmatism. We tried the lenses out for close by and I will be able to read very well. It will make quite a bit of difference compared to those cheap reading glasses I had been getting at the drugstore. 

The lenses for my new glasses have to be specially ordered and they should be ready within two weeks, so that's how long I have to be patient. From that point on I will be wearing them all the time and not once in a great while. Vanity will not get the better of me. Besides, I look good with these on.

My sister and I did a little bit of shopping afterwards and much window shopping. We saw all sorts of clothes and boots that we would liked to have had. We were good and didn't spend any crazy money. 

I did buy the vitamins and minerals that I need to augment my diet and started taking those yesterday. I think the vitamin B-complex is especially important because it's good for your nervous system. I think I can use some help there.

I've been faithfully applying baby lotion to my face every day and it is making my skin softer and less wrinkly. I've been sitting in front of the magnifying mirror when I apply it and it is ruthless. I may as well face the truth. 

It's time for me to go back to bed. I've got hours left to sleep. It will be oh so warm under the duvet. I've got the radio off now and sleep in silence. At least my dreams are not influenced by it anymore. They are all my own. It does make a difference. They are not so confused like they were. 

I hope you're all having a good night.

Ciao,

Nora

Loving every minute of it...

I'm serenely seated here behind the computer in the middle of the night (or call it early in the morning) and I've just about had all the coffee I want to drink. It's time to switch to that old stand by, a glass of ice cold milk, to make me burp some. I'm almost used to the special effects and expect them now. It wouldn't be the same experience without them. So you see, you get used to any strange phenomenon as long as it's familiar. 

When I say I'm serene, I mean I have a fairly peaceful mind as I have had for a long while now. I went to bed with it and got up with it. As we say in the Netherlands, I fit into my skin well. I don't know where that saying came from, but it is widely used and it sounds more appealing in Dutch. We use the word 'lekker' which is untranslatable. Some words and concepts aren't, which is a shame because so much feeling is meant by them. 'Lekker' is everything that is good and then some.

I woke up writing a blog post in my head before I had even opened my eyes. I now don't remember what it was about, but I think it is funny that I'm so occupied with it in the middle of the night. Apparently, I'm immediately ready to go write one when I wake up. Maybe I dream about it while I'm asleep. It wouldn't surprise me, although I know it's mostly nonsense what I think of first. I do remember that much.

For a change it wasn't the dog who woke me up. I did it all on my own and I must have an internal alarm clock that tells me to get up at a certain time of the night. It's when I'm temporarily all done sleeping and I'm ready for some entertainment to interrupt my long night. I don't really mind this, but I wouldn't mind either sleeping all night and not waking up until the morning. It would be awfully nice to be woken up by the real alarm clock. I wouldn't mind having to set it before I went to bed.

It's funny how you learn to accept any kind of schedule as being normal simply because that's what you have gotten used to. In my former life, I used to sleep long and hard all night long and you would have had to shoot off a canon to wake me up. Now I sleep like I'm alert to the least little noise and I'm ready to get up for no reason at all. I do long for those deep, heavy sleeps of long ago. They were very restful.

At least I'm not comatose anymore when I wake up in the morning. That's a big blessing. I function fairly well. I'm more then capable of making a very decent pot of coffee and I don't have to drink the whole pot in order to get dressed and be ready to take the dog for a walk. And getting dressed is simple if the weather is cool and crisp and you know which clothes to put on. I always think that makes things much easier.

I've got to go back to bed and sleep a few more hours. I'm going to see my new therapist this morning for my first official appointment. I do want to be alert and fresh looking when I get there. I do want it to be a productive meeting. Wish me luck. 

Have an especially nice day in this autumnal weather.

Ciao,

Nora

Behold, the truth...

The plug in my kitchen sink wasn't working. When I filled up the sink to do the dishes, it slowly drained until there was hardly any sudsy water left when I was not quite done. This was very frustrating, but I had gotten used to it as I got used to all sorts of frustrating elements in my life. Rather than fix them, I found a way to live with them. 

That's totally the wrong attitude, of course, and probably says a lot about me, but lately, because I've been feeling better able to deal with things, I've been tackling these frustrating elements. 

Determined to find a better way to do the dishes, I got a square, white, plastic basin that just fits in the kitchen sink and do the dishes in it. The sudsy water doesn't run away and it stays hotter. 

The basin is a bit smaller than the sink and holds less dishes all at once, but I've decided that it's going to determine how many dishes I can save up before I do them. If there are enough dishes to fill the basin, I have to wash them and I can't crowd the basin. 

That worked well enough yesterday and the dishes were done in no time and dried and put away too. Suddenly it was not such an overwhelming job. I had a clean kitchen counter in the shortest amount of time. 

It's apparent that when I have the mental energy, I do have the capacity for problem solving.

***

I met my new therapist this yesterday afternoon in the company of my old therapist. I tried too hard to make a good impression, but didn't realize that until afterwards. I was upset about it for a few hours. 

I acted like I was the best and most desirous patient she could have ever wanted. Like I was so agreeable and reasonable and intelligent that it was her lucky day that she got me as her patient. I hope she saw right through me. 

I'm going to have two more meetings with my old therapist and then I'll have two trial meetings with the new one and we'll see if we get along well enough. She was chosen by my old therapist and my psychiatrist because she's on the same team as they are.

I rode my bike over there, of course, and there was less wind so I was not in danger of being blown sideways into the traffic. There still was a very cloudy sky and it looked like it was going to rain, but fortunately it didn't, although in the north of the country it did. 

Since I'm not married to the Exfactor anymore, I get less anxious in traffic when I ride my bike and I now very routinely negotiate it. I don't even give it much thought while I do.

I used to worry about the traffic a lot and every outing on my bike was a nerve wrecking journey. I don't know what the connection is to it not being so any longer and my divorce, but I realize that I don't sit on my bike and swear under my breath anymore. 

Maybe it has something to do with being independent and singular and learning to trust myself. Our bike rides together were always wrought with anxiety. Doing things alone is so much better for me. 

I've got to go to bed and try to get some sleep. It's fun being up, but I do have to be sensible. It's the adult in me who's telling me that.

Have a good night.

Ciao,

Nora