For old time's sake...

No, I haven't disappeared down a rabbit hole like Alice in Wonderland, nor would I have enjoyed the kind of strange adventures that she had. I like my life served up straighter than that. My days have mostly been very ordinary but much improved from how they had been in the past. I still continuously count my blessings, although lately I take the credit for a lot of them myself.

I'm getting used to this new and improved version of myself and am no longer so surprised every day. I'm starting to grow into my own personality and learning to trust it. So far, I am managing to keep myself busy but I think I am going to need to find a useful activty to fill my spare time. I am thinking about doing volunteer work and hopefully will find something that will suit me.

Tyke and I are taking ever increasingly longer walks three times a day all over the place. Sometimes I plan them ahead of time and sometimes I make them up as we go along. We both enjoy them very much and there is much to discover. The world is our oyster and we don't let the rainy weather discourage us.

I've lost so much weight that I now weigh what I used to when I was twenty years old. To say that I am pleased is putting it mildly. I love my skinny self and didn't have to suffer for it. I do look quite normal and not like a famine victim. I'm having my gastric band emptied a little in August so I will be able to eat larger portions of food in the future.There's no need to lose more weight.

At her invitation, I will be staying with my daughter in Texas for Christmas and New Year's. That's still some time away but I am looking forward to it very much. I can't think of a lovelier way to spend the holidays.

The sun has just come out again and Tyke is gently reminding me that it's time to go for a walk.

A 'normal' post...

I'm sitting here in the middle of the night with a cup of coffee and a cigarette waiting to get tired enough so I can go back to bed. Of course, the coffee will keep me awake, so I better switch to a glass of milk. I felt obligated to drink what was left in the coffee pot, but of course I don't have to. I'm still in charge here and I can pour the contents of my coffee cup down the drain. That's easy enough. 

I've made up the bed in the guest room with my duvet and pillows and bed linens and started sleeping there because I like that room better than the room I was sleeping in. I never did get used to that big room as my bedroom. I always felt a bit lost in there and I think the dog didn't feel as comfortable there either. 

Now I have the pleasure of sleeping on a new mattress in a room I like better and I'm happy with the change. The mattress is much better than my old one and is much kinder to my body. I wake up without aches and pains in the morning. 

The dog sleeps on the floor beside the bed because there's carpet in that room and he even ignores his pillow that's also available. At least he doesn't sleep on top of me on the bed anymore and I do appreciate the extra space. The cat still likes to get on the bed, but she's just a little thing and doesn't take up much room. 

I had taken a lot of personal items out of that bedroom, but now I feel like making it cozier again and I'm thinking of ways to do that without making it look too cluttered. I also don't want it to turn into a dust trap. There's a fine line between adding some well placed items and putting down too much.

I have taken two valerian tablets and feel myself getting mellow. I've only got a few left and I think it's time to invest in some Dr Vogel natural sleep remedy tablets. I'll have to investigate online and see what's available.It may be a natural product, but I still want to know if it's sensible to use and how to use it. 

My sister and I are supposed to go to a street festival tomorrow, but I heard on the weather forecast that it's going to rain a lot. We're still waiting for summer to happen and it's almost July. At least we're not in danger of having a heatwave.

Ciao,
Irene

All about Tyke...

Tyke is now three years old and fully grown. He is a little on the big side for an American cocker spaniel and is just a little bit taller than the rest of them. He is a little bit more solidly built too and at about forty pounds is quite a handful. He is compact and strong and he has a powerful chest and legs. He always pulls when he is on the leash and I have a hard time controlling him.

I just recently heard that when you put a harness on a dog, this stops the amount of pulling they do on the leash, so this morning  I rode my bike over to the pet store and bought one. I got one that you slip on with one click of the button. It's very easy to use. Unfortunately, when I came home and tried it on Tyke, it turned out to be just too small.

This meant that I had to walk to the pet store with him to get the proper size. Of course, to him that meant an adventure, but it is what I should have done in the first place. He turned out to need a large size harness if it was adjusted on the smallest setting and we walked out of the store with it on.

The difference was immediate. He didn't pull at the leash. He even walked beside me like he had never done before. The walk home was a pleasure and I even made a detour to make it longer because my arm wasn't being pulled out of the socket.

After we'd been home for a while, I decided to get a better look at the harness to see how it had been put together and Tyke immediately got up from his nap and was ready to have it put on and go out for a walk again. So we did.

I hadn't realized how much fun it is to go for a walk with a dog who doesn't pull at the leash. It changes the whole experience. Tyke has turned into a relaxed dog who only has to stop at trees and bushes now and then to do a piddle. I no longer am being pulled down the sidewalk in a hurry.

So if you have a dog who pulls at the leash, get it a harness. It will save you a lot of aggrevation and the poor dog won't have that collar choke it's neck all the time. It makes for a happy dog and a happy you.

And they lived happily ever after...

Ciao,
Irene

Challenge...

I've been challenged not to write about coffee, but you may as well ask me not to write a post at all because it is impossible for me not to mention coffee. It is such an integral part of my daily life that it would be hard not to talk about it. It makes me function when I'm about ready to take a nap and don't want to. I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee now and there's more in the pot to have in a while. I'm looking forward to it already and yes, I'm starting to function much better. 

I haven't done a bleeding thing all day but walk the dog and sit around and watch interesting programs on television. I do make sure I see my fair share of those on Sundays. That's after I've quietly contemplated my navel in the silence of the early morning hours when I've finally gotten up. Because it's Sunday, I don't feel called upon to do a heck of a lot and feel that being lazy is perfectly legitimate. 

All I had to do was get dressed at one point and pretend to be wide awake, but I don't feel that I have to be as alert as I have to be the rest of the week. The dog seems to have the same notion and takes many naps in whatever sunshine is available to him. He must know that it's my day off and doesn't make too many demands. We do honor the day of the Lord and pay proper attention when the church bells ring, but that's as far as our devotion goes. 

Tonight the Netherlands is playing its football match against Portugal. We are still in the running if we beat them with two points and if Germany beats Denmark. Those are a lot of ifs that I don't have faith in. I don't even know if I will stay up to watch the match. I may get so disgusted that I'll turn off the televsion and go to bed. I even thought about lighting a candle at the Our Dear Lady Chapel, but I'm sure a lot of like minded, middle aged, Portugese women will do the same thing in their chapels. And they are catholic and I am not.

The sun does come out every once in a while even though it is overcast a lot. At least it's not raining today. It's not very warm outside and I do have to wear a jacket when I walk the dog. I'm wearing warmer clothes too, but that's purely because I'm being less stubborn and am indulging myself. I decided I wanted to be extra comfortable and ignore the fact that it's nearly summer. I don't know who to blame this weather on. Maybe some day it will be sunshiny and warm again. 

I just remembered that I have to do a load of laundry. In all my laziness I had forgotten that. 

Ciao,
Irene

More hot coffee...

I saw myself forced to make another pot of coffee because I started to yawn and it is barely the beginning of the afternoon. I don't think I'm supposed to be getting sleepy yet. It would be great to go lie down in my bed and take a nap, but it was not part of the plan for today. I do want to stay up and spend the afternoon in a more upright position. 

I think the caffeine will straighten me out and help me carry out my plan and hopefully I will be wide awake again soon. I do rely on coffee to help me through the rough spots. I've made it a little stronger so it will carry a bit of a punch. I do want it to zap me back into consciousness. The side effect will be that it will put me in a good mood. 

I can certainly stand one of those, although I'm not grumpy or anything. I just like the temporary high that caffeine gives me. I woke up in a perfectly good mood this morning and it didn't take much coffee to get me started. My thoughts weren't too confused and I wasn't overwhelmed by too much input right from the beginning. I eased gently into the day. 

It's a bit cold in the apartment, but I do have the windows open and the sun is not shining. It rained all night and sometimes it came down in buckets. It was a regular deluge. I thought I would have to start building the ark and start putting the animals in it. 

For about a week now I suspected there was a mouse in the kitchen closet. The cat and the dog showed much interest in it, but I never could catch a glimpse of it. Last night, when it was very quiet, I heard something move around in there, so I opened the door and let he cat in. Some time later she came out with a dead mouse which I disposed of before the dog could get it. 

The cat had probably brought the mouse into the apartment herself and it had escaped from her. I'm glad she was able to finish the job. It had probably been living on dog food and getting to the water bowl through the crack underneath the door. I hope it had a happy last week in the closet.

I'm fully caffeinated now and I can sit up straight and function normally. I think I'm good for the rest of the afternoon. I think I can even walk the dog again which is something he will welcome very much. He's found a very good Dunlop tennis ball on one of our walks and it has become his favorite. I'm sure he's hoping to find another one. 

Ciao,
Irene

Options...

It was a choice to either have some coffee or go take a nap. I chose for the coffee and am waiting for the coffeemaker to finish brewing it so I can have a much needed cup. I will forsake the nap and save up my sleep for tonight when I will go to bed at a fairly decent time. I won't have to watch any football matches anyway after last night's debacle when the Dutch team lost against Germany. They haven't won a match yet. It's a terrible situation and I'm much disgusted and so is the rest of the population of this country.We're all walking around in a bad mood. 

I mustn't let that press my fun and immediately move on to other things more uplifting. I will not let the defeat of the Dutch football team determine my outlook for the rest of the day.  I'm sure there are other more important things that are of influence such as this cup of coffee I'm having now and the fact that the sun is shining into the living room. That does alter your mood and make you more cheerful. There's nothing as welcome as a bit of sunshine after all these days of cloudy skies and showers. I'm going to enjoy it as much as I can. 

I knew I would cheer myself up writing about that. Just making a note of it is enough to make me happier. The fact that it's getting warmer in the living room does also because it was a little bit chilly in here and I wasn't about to close the windows. It is June after all and that would be admitting defeat. For the same reason I can't turn on the heater even if it does get cold in here. I am bound and determined to keep believing that summer will get here yet and that it will happen in my lifetime. 

I'm wearing a summery top that is new, but at the same time I'm wearing my jeans and a jeans jacket. I'm not quite as warm and comfortable as I'd like to be. I'd like to wear a pair of socks too and a scarf around my neck, but I thought that might be a bit too pessimistic and not in keeping with the time of year. It's always a bit of a struggle to decide what to wear in the morning because I want to wear my summer clothes, but the weather discourages me from doing so. Wearing layers seems to be the best way to deal with it. 

The dog is watching the maintenance people from the city clean up the municipal flowerbeds. They are making an awful lot of noise because they are using power tools. I liked it better in the olden days when things were done by hand and it was a gentle occupation. I'm sure people were more skilled back then too. Nowadays everything seems to get cut back indiscriminately. The dog was sleeping in the sunshine on the dining table. He was very rudely disturbed in his sleep. 

I will now go take him for a walk and enjoy some of the sunshine. Hopefully, it will be warmer outside than it is in here.

Have a great day.

Ciao,
Irene

Brain spotting...

Much to my surprise, it is the weekend again and it really did sneak up on me today. It was hard to imagine that it was already Friday again because it seemed not very long ago since it was. I swear that the older I get, the quicker the days pass by. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but I think I mind as a matter of fact because I find myself racing towards old age. I'm definetly not ready for that, but then again I doubt if anyone ever is. I'm sure we're all stuck in our 30's and more than willing to stay there. I would like to be perpetually 39 years old. That's when my whole life changed and it wasn't for the better. 

Last night was the first night that I slept without a sleeping pill and I slept as well without it as I did with it. I don't miss it one bit, but I think that is because I had gotten down to such a low dose. I have no signs of withdrawal anyway. I'm sure I'll be fine and as a matter of fact, I felt more lucid this morning when I got up. It didn't take as long to react to the caffeine of my cups of coffee and I was ready to function much quicker. 

I hope to feel better overall now that I'm both off the tranquilizers and the sleeping pills. I had been on them for many years and thought I would never be able to quit them. I never asked to be put on them. I got them in large doses the first time I was in the psychiatric hospital and haven't been without them until recently. They give them to you to keep you manageable and sedated and I think everybody is put on them. The problem is that after two weeks of use you're hooked on them.

The dog is sitting here beside me looking very expectantly. I think he wants to go for a walk. The weather has been nice all day, although it has been very blustery. The sun has been shining most of the day, but now there are many gray clouds moving in. I think we are going to have some rain so I will have to go for that walk pretty quickly.

I hope you're all having a good Friday.

Ciao,
Irene

Holding my horses...

It's been impossible to write a post before this time, but don't ask me what I have been doing instead because I won't be able to answer you. I don't have much to show for my time, except that I can say that I have not wasted it and have been keeping myself occupied. I have been steadily working on my list of things to do and I've had appointments each day lately so I managed to stay out of trouble for he most part. 

The list of things to do is turning out to be a little tougher than I thought it was going to be. The items on there are not checked off that quickly because each time I'm running into a complication so things take twice as long. It's teaching me to be patient and take a long term view, but I think I already knew how to do that and really didn't need the lesson.

Having learned relaxation exercises does help me cut down on any stress I might feel because of this, so I'm not too aggrevated and manage to keep my head cool. I know everything will be resolved in the end. The end will just come a little later. I don't wish to feel stressed all day long and do take times out. There's a time to care and a time to relax. You can't have your bow pulled tight all the time, but I think that's a Dutch saying. 

I'm sitting here now with my second cup of coffee instead of taking a nap. I thought it might be a good idea to have the caffeine and to last until tonight until I go to sleep. I'm thinking about stopping the sleeping pill. I've only got one left and it is of a very low dose. I will not get more and try to do without as of tomorrow. That does mean that I have to start doing without my afternoon nap. I've got to get off the sleeping pills sooner or later. 

It's been raining on and off since Sunday. Sometimes huge showers let enormous amounts of rain fall from the sky. Luckily, I haven't been caught in one of these yet. The dog and I have only gotten a little wet during our walks. It was impossible to see Venus transit in front of the sun. There were too many clouds. 

I hope you are all having a good day.

Ciao,
Irene

Stormy weather...

I made myself a weak pot of coffee because I was too lazy to open a new package of ground filter coffee. I made do with what was left over in the glass jars and it really wasn't enough. I could tell by the way the coffee smelled when it was done that it was weak, but I prepared for the worst and drank it anyway. Much to my relief, it wasn't as bad as I had feared and it is drinkable. It just doesn't carry the usual punch. An American would find this quite acceptable coffee.

Having completely run out of clean forks and plates and bowls, I finally got around to doing the dishes which I had been putting of. I knew I would get around to them today and had given myself that deadline. I let them soak in very hot soapy water first so I could mentally prepare myself to get ready to do them. I usually do need to warm up to the idea a bit. I can't suddenly do them out of the blue. I have to mentally picture myself doing them and talk myself into it. Then the job gets done easily because I'm less intimidated.

I also changed the bed and found a felt tipped pen under the fleece blanket that the dog had chewed to pieces. Needless to say, the ink had leaked all over the place and I hope it washes out in the laundry. The dog does secretly steal things during the night and isn't over the worst of his puppy behavior yet. When it comes to chewing on foreign objects, he's up there with the rest of them, even if he does have a rawhide bone. He'll simply ignore that if he can find something more interesting and forbidden. He knows that felt tipped pens are off limits. He does look guilty when I find him out. 

I enjoy changing the bed because it's so nice to sleep between clean sheets and it makes me look forward to going to bed at night. I do have my favorite duvet cover and it's being washed now. I think I need to go and buy some new ones and will have to go into town one of these days. Because I don't want to go alone, I will have to talk someone into going with me.  It's more fun to go shopping in someone else's company and to also go sit on a terrace and have a cup of coffee. There's nothing as awful as walking around downtown by yourself with your soul under your arm.

I've done two loads of laundry and feel very virtuous. The bathroom smells very good because of the washing powder and it's a pleasure to walk in there with the laundry drying on the clothing rack. I can't hang it outside because of the showers we are having today. It would smell even better if I had been able to do that. There's a stiff wind blowing and the laundry would have been dry quickly, but every once in a while it rains. It's not cold out and in the living room it is warm. I'm sitting here in a summer top and am not in the least chilled. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,
Irene

A bright and shiny moment...

It is with some amount of pleasure that I sit here at the end of the afternoon and enjoy the sunlight that is shining into the living room windows. It does make everything look bright and cheerful and it does wonders for the state of my mind. For a while I will thoroughly enjoy this time behind the computer and not worry about a single thing. Not that I really have that much to worry about anyway. My mind is pretty much empty of things that I could get overly stressed about. 

Besides, now is not the time of day to worry about anything. I do that best the first thing in the morning before I've had my cup of coffee and before my medicines have started to work. But because I know that the lack of these things causes me to feel stress, I don't pay it too much mind and simply wait for them to take effect. I try to ignore what goes on in my head for the first hour after I get up. I know I will be my usual normal self n the shortest amount of time. 

We've had some rain and cloudy weather and although I didn't mind it too much, I was glad when the sun came out again. It did actually affect my mood a little bit when the sky was so gloomy.  I pretend that it doesn't get to me, but really it does. I notice that when the sun starts shining again and my whole attitude changes. I'm a lot more cheerful because of it. We're supposed to have more rain tomorrow, but I guess I shouldn't complain about it too much because Mother Nature does need it. Some rain on a regular basis can only do it good. 

I saw my relaxation therapist today and learned a new exercise. I know so many different ones now that I could keep busy all day long doing them. They do seem to work because the pain I had walked around with in one shoulder is gone now and it had been a very stubborn pain that I thought I was going to need painkillers for.  Today's exercise really worked well on my belly and stomach and I literally felt the knots there untie.

I've got to go because the dog is waiting for me to take him for a walk. It's that time of the day again. At least the sun is shining and the temperature is nice. It will be great to be out there. 

Ciao,
Irene

Thank goodness it's Friday again...

I'm sitting here very cozily with a glass of milk and the dog by my feet. It is already evening but the sun is still shining through the living room windows and it's nice and warm in here. I'm wearing my most summery clothes so I'm properly dressed.

I hope to get a bit of a tan every time I go out with the dog but I don't think I'm succeeding much. I won't look like a very sun kissed person anyway. I'll have to go sit outside for a real sun bath and I don't know if I have the patience for that. I think the only opportunity I'll get for it is when I sit in my sister's garden so I'll always have to be scantily dressed when I go there. 

The weather is supposed to stay good for the whole three day long weekend. It's Pentecost and we have Monday off also. It's about time that the weather turned nice because we've been very impatiently waiting for it to happen. People had been wanting to do their summer shopping but it just wasn't the right kind of weather for it. There's certainly been a change in that now and downtown is filled with shoppers wanting to spend their vacation allowances. 

I've been looking at which films play at the film theater and there's one I may be interested in that's been playing for quite a while. It's called "The best exotic Marigold Hotel." It got good reviews so I may try to go see it. I first am going to ask the Exfactor if he wants to go and then I'll ask my sister. She usually falls asleep halfway through a film so that's not much fun. The Exfactor is a better companion to go see a film with so I hope he'll come. 

The dog has been most adorable today from the moment I woke up and opened my eyes. He was there immediately to greet me as if he had been waiting for me to wake up. I guess he really wanted to start the day. Or he was just happy to see me and get a good cuddle. He's been very affectionate all day long and has spent much time sitting on my lap as if that's the most natural place to be. I guess if you still barely fit, it is not a bad place to sit. 

I have to go take him for his walk now and then watch the eight o'clock news. Those politicians are roughly manhandling all sorts of important issues and it does frustrate me. I have to stay well informed but I wonder how unbiased the news is. You must always stay critical.

Ciao,
Irene

In the early evening...

In spite of the two cups of coffee I've had, I'm sitting here yawning as if I need to go to bed and take a nap. It is true that I didn't take one this afternoon, but I thought the caffeine took care of that. I just took a walk with the dog in the warm summery feeling air and I thought it was enough to wake me up. Instead it has half put me to sleep. 

I refuse to believe that I really can't do without my afternoon nap. I'm not quite that old yet, although it must be that some habits die hard and I have gotten used to this one. It does feel good to be a little sleepy and I'm not really complaining. At least the coffee hasn't made me wiry and jumpy, but then it seldom does. I probably wouldn't drink it if it did. 

Being in a mellow mood is just fine. It allows me to reflect on life without getting too excited about it. Of course, I saw my relaxation therapist today, so I'm bound to be more mellow because we did new exercises together. After I did a series of them lying down very comfortably, I could have gone to sleep on the spot and it took me some effort to get up again and start riding my bike home. 

By the time I got home, I was somewhat refreshed again and could finish doing the laundry which had to be hung up. It was my second load of the day and I did it with pleasure because it smelled so good thanks to the washing powder. I do like to get some rewards for my efforts and good smelling laundry is one of them. Especially if they are clothes I'm going to wear. They smell bad soon enough because I smoke. 

I've been talking to the dog a lot and it amazes me how much he understands. I don't know if he understands a complete sentence, but enough words anyway to know what I mean and to anticipate what is going to happen. He doesn't forget what I've told him and just waits patiently for me to get around to it. I think he's smarter than he lets me believe. He does hide his light under a bushel and pretends he's dumb sometimes. I think that's when it's convenient to him. 

Oh, I've got to watch the news.  Time to go.

Ciao,
Irene

It's always something...

It's a beautiful day out. The sky is blue and the sun is shining and the temperatures are great. It feels like a summer day and the weatherman was right. He predicted it. It will stay this way for the rest of the week and I am totally agreeable to it. I just walked the dog and it was a pure pleasure to be out there. The bees were buzzing amongst the wildflowers and the birds were twittering in the trees. All that was missing were the butterflies.

I could not walk quickly because I think I have broken my toe. I did it this morning when I walked into the edge of a metal sign that the Exfactor had temporarily placed against my bike that was parked in the hallway. I noticed it on the way to the toilet, but forgot about it on the way back. It was quite a bang and I used a swear word because it hurt so much.The sign was big and heavy and did not move an inch.

As the day wore on, my toe got worse and I hobble a bit when I walk. Even when I sit still it hurts. It is the middle toe of my left foot and I know nothing can be done about it, so I've put a sock on it and I'm wearing my sneakers for comfort. That gives me some idea of support, but to tell you the truth, I think it isn't helping one bit and I may as well take them off. I have taken a paracetamol and I hope that will do.

Other than that, it's been a nice day. I think that's mostly due to the amount of sunshine that's coming in through the living room windows. It does cheer me up. It makes me a better person. I'm much more agreeable when the sun shines, although I'm always kind. At least I try to be in spite of myself. I do get grumpy at times. 

That's not something a cup of coffee can't take care of and I've had mine. I'm all caffeinated now. I did take a small nap earlier because I got up on time this morning. I was expecting the Exfactor but I had no idea what time he was getting here because he is hard to pin down. When he got here, he asked me to iron two long sleeved shirts for him, but since he always does the groceries, it was a pleasure for me to be able to do that. 

I hadn't ironed any men's shirts in a long time and had forgotten how much work they are if you want to do a good job. It seems that every time you run the iron over them, you iron a new wrinkle into them. It is frustrating.

I've got to watch the news and eat dinner. It's that time of the day again.

Ciao,
Irene

In charge again...

Whatever was bothering me, has stopped doing so. It has stopped making me feel stressed and anxious and left me feeling relaxed and happier. It stopped this afternoon and I've been much pleased ever since. I've celebrated that with several cups of coffee and they in turn made me feel much better too, so it was a double joyful happening. I don't feel that anything can go wrong now. 

I'm enjoying this time as much as I can and am relishing the easiness of it. Hardly anything seems complicated anymore. Things I worried about before seem so benign in nature now. I laugh at the fact that I was intimidated by them earlier. I've certainly found my courage again. I guess you have to hit the bottom a bit before you bounce back up. Luckily, I didn't hit it too hard. 

It goes to show you that you mustn't get too caught up in your temporary moods. They may only be of short nature but you can spend a lot of that time worrying about things when all you need to do is wait for the mood to change. Unfortunately, a person is never smart enough to realize that or maybe some people are very even natured and they don't go through these ups and downs so much. When attacked by stress, I do. 

It usually takes a good dose of realism to get me on the path of the straight and narrow again and that is where I am now. There aren't many bends in the road anymore. Before there were many twists and turns and the whole situation was unforeseeable. I felt I might miss a curve and get a fatal accident. Now I'm cruising along merrily and in charge again and I'm going along at the right speed. 

All this speaking in metaphores does not become me and I'll stop right now and get to reality on all fronts. 

I've just peeled an apple for the dog and he is very happily chowing down on it. Actually, he does eat it very delicately for a dog. He takes rather small bites as if he wants to make it last. He's always very disappointed when he's eaten it all and looks all over the place for bits and pieces. He eats to efficiently for there to be any.

The apartment is  clean and the dishes have been done. I'm ready for the weekend. All I have to do is change the bed and walk the dog. 

Have a good one.

Ciao,
Irene

So far, so good...

I have temporarily misplaced the dog and have no idea where he is in the apartment. I greeted him this morning when I woke up but when I got back from going to the toilet, he was nowhere to be found. I'm sure he'll show up again but this is a new one to me. He must be gaining his independence as he never is far away from me. 

I slept well in spite of not having taken that tranquilizer. I was up for a while during the night but I did go back to sleep and get enough rest. I don't feel any sort of withdrawal effect. I think I was taking so little that it hardly makes a difference.

This afternoon I've got an appointment with the relaxation therapist. This time we will really get down to the actual work. I'm a little bit nervous about it. I do admit that. I don't know how well I will do this. I suppose I can be a total failure at it and learn it from scratch. I don't have to be perfect at it from the start. 

I suppose that is still my problem. I want to be perfect at everything I do and set my standards too high. I have to go in there today with a different attitude. I have to act like I don't know how to relax and that I have to learn it from the beginning. That will be a lot better than acting as if I've already got the thing down pat. 

I've got to go and get dressed and find the dog. It's time to take him for a walk. It looks like it's going to rain and I want to go out there before it does. 

I hope you'll all have a good day. 

Ciao,
Irene

Early on a Tuesday morning...

I am all out of tranquilizers so I didn't take one last night before I went to sleep. As a result, I didn't sleep as much as I usually do. I was a little bit off balance this morning when I got up but a cup of coffee soon fixed that. I was up very early but I can always take a nap later in the day if I feel like it. Today is not going to be a busy day at all so there will be lots of opportunity for it.

That one tranquilizer at night was the only one I took anymore. I knew I was running out and purposely didn't get a refill. I wanted to get off them because I realized I was under the influence of them when I got up in the middle of the night and sat behind the computer. I do want my mind to be as clear as it can be at all times and that was not the case. I was always a little bit high when I wrote my blog posts. 

I also take a sleeping pill. It's more a "fall asleep" pill and is only supposed to work for a few hours. I take the lowest dose but I'm sure I'm hooked on it too and it would be nice if I got off that one also. I must try that in the near future, although my psychiatrist said once that it is not a high priority. I will first see how well I do without the tranquilizers and then see about that sleeping pill. There's no rush, of course. 

Maybe I will be like a newborn woman and get lots of energy without the tranquilizer. It is nice to fantasize about. It would be great to have a little more get up and go. Sometimes I feel lazy but I wonder if I'm just not drugged. Time will tell. 

The dog is still asleep on the sofa. He won't be ready to start the day for a while. It's much too early for him. I'm ready to get the day started but I wouldn't know what to do with it right away. I have nothing pressing on my agenda. That's the problem. I don't have a busy enough schedule when I feel good. My schedule is fine when things don't go so well amd I need lots of time and energy to take care of myself. But now? 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,
Irene

Back to the future...

I've stopped reducing my anti-psychotic medication and have gone back to the original dose.I figured there was no need to go through all that stress and anxiety and near craziness because I had it in my head to get along on a lesser dose. I consider the reduction to be a failed experiment and I will let my psychiatrist know on Monday. 

I do have to tell you that since increasing the dose, I feel a lot better, but that maybe because of the sedative qualities of the medication. I will have to be on this dose for a couple of days to really be able to tell the difference. I do feel a lot of relief and am glad that the reality of the situation dawned on me. 

It did take a while but in the end common sense prevailed. I was short of that for some time and could not think straight very well. It was especially bad in the morning when I was run over by an avalanche of anxiety. That was a tough way to start the day and I don't recommend it to anyone. 

It's better to sit in peacefulness and solitude and drink your coffee quietly when you first get up. The most you want to do is pet your dog or cat. That's how it should be. A person should always have a gentle start. 

I've had some coffee just now and walked the dog so I am in near perfect shape. I've had my caffeine and some fresh air which were just what I needed. I'm no health nut but I do know that I have to get out of the apartment every once in a while and stretch my limbs. Thank goodness that I have the dog to take me. 

It wouldn't quite work out with the cat unless I was willing to jump over fences and garden gates. That would be one way to get a work out but I'm afraid I'm not that limber or strong. I probably couldn't pull up my own weight to clamber over a fence. I would have had to have long years of practice. 

I hope you're all having a good day. 

Ciao,

Irene

Another cup of coffee...

I realize that I've got to make some more coffee if I want to feel at all better than I do now. It will be a last ditch effort. It is the only thing I know to do that I think will help. It is either that, or crawl back into bed. I'm not exactly in the mood for that because it is too early in the day for a nap. I've got to find another way to cheer up.

I woke up this morning with a headache and pain in my neck and shoulders, so that was not a good beginning to the day. I also felt very stressed and my thoughts raced through my mind almost from the minute I got up. They jumped from one subject to the other at amazing speeds. I don't know what to blame that on.

I seemed to do a bit better after I took my medicines but that may have all been in my magination. I don't think I have really improved that much. I'm a bit calmer now maybe. 

I have to try and find the magic formula to peacefulness. I know that I am capable of this because I have felt it in the past. It may have been quite by chance that I felt it but I know it exists. If I do everything just right, maybe I will feel it again. Writing these thoughts down helps a lot too. 

Sometimes I find it very difficult to be me, especially when I can't find my peace and quiet. When they are so elusive that I'm left with nothing but free floating anxiety. 

I've had my first cup of coffee and I feel somwhat better now. I suppose that was a good choice then. It's straightening out my head to some extend. 

I was supposed to do some paperwork today that I have been putting off and have not yet found the right moment for. It's not very complicated but does require me to pay attention and it is a responsible job. I can't do it when I'm stressed. It literally makes me sick just thinking about it. I will put it off until this weekend when I will feel less pressure on me. 

Yesterday, as if by some miracle, I started reading a book. It is one I got for Christmas on the workings of the brain. I hope it keeps continuing to capture me and that I will finish it. So far it is interesting but I won't be able to concentrate on it if I feel this amount of stress. I will make myself sit down and try to read it again today for about an hour. Anything to do with the brain is fascinating to me. 

First I will find some other relaxing activities to do behind the computer. The dog has stopped bothering me and has gone to sleep. I was waiting for that to happen. He's a little spoiled sometimes and won't eat his kibbles. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

After all's been said and done.

I'm drinking coffee because it's the most agreeable beverage I can drink (even better than ice cold milk) and it's putting me in a very good mood. Now, if you had your choice, wouldn't you do the same thing and fill yourself with some caffeine? 

I know it's only a semi-permanent effect and that it will wear off again and that it will not prevent me from sleeping tonight. As soon as I quit drinking the coffee and switch to something else, I will start mellowing out again and I will be yawning by the time it is bedtime. 

I'm almost always an optimist and today I most certainly am.

It must be because today the sun has been shining, except for the occasional cloud, and it cast its light into the living room for most of the afternoon, making it nice and warm in here.  It does make me feel more cheerful but I already was anyway. 

I was from the moment I got up this morning and was merrily greeted by the dog. What a way to start the day. I drank my coffee and smoked my cigarettes in all peacefulness and silence. I had given myself an hour to get myself together and that was enough. Then I was ready to get the show on the road and the first thing I did was take the dog for a walk in the crispy morning air. 

I've done all the things that I planned to do today and I consider it successful. I hope I will repeat myself tomorrow when it will be a little less hectic. I will still have to accomplish things but they will all have to be done at home which will simplify the process.

I've ordered another denim jacket on line which will be delivered in the afternoon. It's a gray one with little pink flowers. It will match the clothes that my blue denim one doesn't. I live in my blue denim jacket, except for when it needs to be washed and then I miss it sorely. It's become an inseperable part of me.

I've started to pay attention more to the way I look. I had neglected that a little bit lately and put my clothes on without much care to the details. Today I've got a scraf draped around my neck that I haven't worn in a long time and I'm pleased with the effect. I picked it up instinctively, not knowing how it would look. It was the right choice. 

One of my rings has fallen off my finger and I don't know when it happened so I don't know where to look for it. It could be anywhere. It's a shame because it's one I liked a lot, although it was not an expensive one. That's how skinny my fingers have become and I wish my stomach would follow suit.

Thank goodness that I can see clearly now because the domestic help has washed the windows.

Ciao,

Irene

A rainy Sunday.

It's only 7 degrees Celsius outside and it's been raining on and off all day. I haven't seen the blue sky yet, let alone any sunshine. I know there was a super moon during the night but it was not visible here because of the overcast sky. I missed that spectacle completely. I have to say that I don't feel especially energized or rebirthed or anything because of the close proximity of the moon to the earth. I guess that effect didn't work on me.

I'm doing jobs around the apartment. Now that I've struggled with and overcome my depression, it's time to take care of the things that were left undone for a while. Not all of them will get done today but that's not my intention. Whatever I don't get to today will get done later this week. I will have a clean bed to get into tonight anyway. I made darn sure of that. 

The dog thinks it's great fun to strip the bed and put the clean sheets on. He's always right in the middle of things, not realizing that he's actually very much in the way. I have to calculate his presence in with every move I make and that is after I've removed the cat from the bed much to her displeasure. The job does get done and the dog helps me put the dirty sheets in the washing machine too. He thinks that's very interesting. Heck, he thinks he has to be present at and on top of everything I do. 

I've put the red fleece blanket on top of the duvet because the dog was a little cold at night. Now I can tell that he's a bit more comfortable and the cat seems to like it too. I can throw it in the washing machine easily and it is dry in no time at all. I should have a couple of them in different colors and replace one with the other to change the scenery. I hope to go to Ikea again soon and see what's available. Maybe I can get my sister in the mood for a trip over there. 

I had a big load of dishes to do that I hadn't gotten around to doing for a couple of days. I wasn't in the proper mood before and that hasn't happened in a long time. First I set most of them to soak in very hot soapy water. As many of them as I could get to fit into the basin. When I could stand the temperature of the water, I scrubbed them clean and was done before I knew it. It turned out not to be such a bad job after all. These things always look worse than they are. 

The apartment is pretty much organized now and ready for the domestic help tomorrow. I'm going to have a busy day because my personal helper is going to be here in the morning and I also have an appointment with my therapist in between. After the fact, it's not really necessary but we didn't know that when we planned it. I'm doing ever so much better than I was two days ago. There's a world of difference and you wouldn't even think I was the same person. 

Tomorrow it's going to be 16 degrees Celsius, so that's quite a difference. Have a great day!

Ciao,

Irene