Early on a Tuesday morning...

I am all out of tranquilizers so I didn't take one last night before I went to sleep. As a result, I didn't sleep as much as I usually do. I was a little bit off balance this morning when I got up but a cup of coffee soon fixed that. I was up very early but I can always take a nap later in the day if I feel like it. Today is not going to be a busy day at all so there will be lots of opportunity for it.

That one tranquilizer at night was the only one I took anymore. I knew I was running out and purposely didn't get a refill. I wanted to get off them because I realized I was under the influence of them when I got up in the middle of the night and sat behind the computer. I do want my mind to be as clear as it can be at all times and that was not the case. I was always a little bit high when I wrote my blog posts. 

I also take a sleeping pill. It's more a "fall asleep" pill and is only supposed to work for a few hours. I take the lowest dose but I'm sure I'm hooked on it too and it would be nice if I got off that one also. I must try that in the near future, although my psychiatrist said once that it is not a high priority. I will first see how well I do without the tranquilizers and then see about that sleeping pill. There's no rush, of course. 

Maybe I will be like a newborn woman and get lots of energy without the tranquilizer. It is nice to fantasize about. It would be great to have a little more get up and go. Sometimes I feel lazy but I wonder if I'm just not drugged. Time will tell. 

The dog is still asleep on the sofa. He won't be ready to start the day for a while. It's much too early for him. I'm ready to get the day started but I wouldn't know what to do with it right away. I have nothing pressing on my agenda. That's the problem. I don't have a busy enough schedule when I feel good. My schedule is fine when things don't go so well amd I need lots of time and energy to take care of myself. But now? 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,
Irene

I'm just lucky...

I suppose it's a good thing that I get up in the middle of the night also when I am in a more "normal" mood than I  have been during the day. You wouldn't think there was anything wrong with me now compared to yesterday when I had such a struggle with myself. I do seem like a totally different person now, except by all appearances I still look the same. I just don't have that crazed look in my eyes. 

I don't know why I had such a hard time yesterday and it seems very odd now looking back on it. It was a little bit like being stuck in a bad dream. Looking back on it now it feels like I was a little bit crazy for a while and I wonder if I'm going to be it again today. At least I will have this post to look back on to remind me that I can also be perfectly normal. Whatever that's supposed to be but you get my drift.

I wonder if part of the problem was that I had slept through the night and didn't at all get up to sit behind the computer and have my usual cups of coffee. I slept through the night and woke up at a decent time in the morning and from that point on never did get the day right. That's a complete departure from my usual schedule and it may have upset my equilibrium. I'm that easily disturbed. 

I don't do well with change and as a rule like everything to be the same and predictable. I normally don't like changes in my schedule and do like to plan everything ahead of time. That's why I don't like to make long airplane flights because the differences in time upset me. I generally like to stay put. 

I didn't always used to be this way but I have gotten so as I got older and more set in my ways. I guess I'm less flexible now and don't adapt as quickly. 

It's with some amount of pleasure that I sit here now and realize that I can enjoy these quiet hours of the night before I have to go back to bed. I don't have to get up at a particular time in the morning, although I do have a couple of chores to do before the domestic help gets here early in the afternoon. I won't worry about that too much and assume those will get done and she'd be the first to forgive me if they weren't. I will make the effort however.

I have many dishes to wash because I have used every plate that was in the cupboard. That's never happened before but it's what happens when you don't get around to your usual jobs. I've also only got one tall glass left to drink milk from. So you see, that's a high priority chore. The more I put it off, the less I felt like doing it. I will plunge head deep into it in the morning. I will be up to my elbows into the suds. 

I hope you're all having a good night and that you're either sleeping or otherwise amusing yourselves. 

Ciao,

Irene

Very sleepy...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee because I need it desperately. I was yawning my head off because I was really in need of a nap but I didn't want to give into the yearning. I know what the problem is. I was up too long during the night and didn't get enough sleep. That's not all that unusual. I have been known to do that before. 

Of course, now we've set the clocks ahead one hour and I'm losing out on time anyway. Not that I mind it. I like gaining the extra hour of daylight in the evening but the day is a bit shorter. I hadn't quite counted on that. It upsets my schedule just a little bit. I took my medicines too late today as it was anyway. Now I'm trying to get back to normal with that.

It doesn't bother me not to take the extra anti-psychotic, but I also tried to decrease my tranquilizers and that didn't go so well. I believe I can't do both at the same time. That's too much to ask of myself and it will have to wait. There was a huge difference when I finally took the tranquilizer after not having taken it in the morning. I felt at ease soon afterwards and that was much better than how I had felt before. 

I mustn't try to do things all at once and in a hurry. It never works out well, but I'm always over eager. I want so much all at once. I think I have bright ideas, but they usually don't work out well. I should only do half of the things I think of. That's more than enough. 

I sat in my sister's garden in the sunshine this afternoon. We were sheltered from the wind because of the fences and it was pleasantly warm. I hadn't been to my sister's house in a long time and I felt a bit awkward. I didn't know what to talk about after such a long absence. It didn't make the heart grow fonder. I didn't stay for a long time and was happy to go home again and be in my own space. I do enjoy my own company the best after all. 

You don't choose your own family and although you may have a lot of things in common, these are not necessarily things you want to be confronted with. They are traits you may not like at all and not want to be reminded of. Maybe they are things you try to not do yourself. Irritating little behaviors that you are aware of and that you don't like about yourself that much. If you see them reflected back to you, it may bother you very much. They may not be things you want to be around for any length of time. 

Like I said, in the end I prefer my own company. I find it easiest just to be on my own and it is the least complicated way to exist. I do agree that everybody needs to be around other people now and then, but I don't think that needs to take up a huge amount of your time. I'm certainly not a social butterfly and get enough of my strokes through the social media and from seeing the odd person every so often. I'm comfortable with myself and I'm glad about that. I have an easy time living with myself. 

There's an element of being afraid to get hurt too, certainly. I think people are unpredictable and I don't like their behavior. A lot of people don't act rationally. They don't act as I expect them to and I find this unpredictability mind boggling. I don't know how to deal with it so I avoid it. It irritates me usually and I get hurt too if I let it. I do arm myself against it. 

I've said enough and I've got to walk the dog. There's still all kinds of daylight and lots of sunshine. There's no shortage of that. It will be a pleasure to go out there. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Sleep may be overrated.

I ought to be going back to bed now, but I'll attempt to write a post. I'll see if I have it in me. I've stopped drinking coffee some time ago, so I may not be alert enough for it. I may not quite have the thinking capacities to pull it off. I'll start on this post and see where it leads me. I may have to delete it somewhere down the line, but you will not be any wiser for it. 

I've sat here for quite a long time already. The nighttime hours have been slowly ticking away and it is almost morning. Well, optimistically speaking it is. If it were summertime, it would be getting light soon. Unfortunately it is not, so I can let that whole idea fly out the window. It is almost time to take my medicines and I'm drinking my second glass of ice cold milk. It isn't making me burp too bad for a change. Miracles never cease. 

When I get up again in the morning, I'm very leisurely going to drink a cup of coffee before I walk the dog. He can do his first piddle out back. Then all I have to do is hang up a load of clean laundry and that is a fun chore. But first I plan to sleep late or as long as the dog will let me. He usually isn´t too impatient in the morning and knows I need a little bit of time. We´ve become adjusted to each other´s schedules. 

It´s with some amount of satisfaction that I look forward to the day because it will be very laid back. I will see my sister this afternoon, but for the most part my time will be filled with leisurely activities. Getiing dressed well and applying my make up properly will be some of them. I´m really going to take my time getting them right. I will spend some quality time with myself. I will also annoint my skin with delicious smelling cremes. 

Which reminds me that I´m in dire need of a good perfume. I haven´t had one for a long time and in the recent past have had to do with some inferior ones. I hope the Glossy Box brings a solution in the form of samples. That´s what I´m really looking forward to. Well, amongst other things.

I´ve got to go to bed. I´m also in dire need of sleep. I´ve got to get the rest of it before the day really starts. I´m yawning already. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Definitely early in the morning...

I've had my coffee, so I'm more than alert enough and quite capable of writing a post. That is, providing I can think of enough interesting things to write about. It is always a bit of a problem so early in the morning when nothing much has taken place yet. I have to rely on my imagination and my memory of the day before, but with the caffeine in me that shouldn't really be all that difficult. It does jar my braincells into action. I haven't had a cup of coffee yet that doesn't have that effect. I've had two of them and that ought to do the job.

I was sitting here in my pajamas, but now that I'm drinking a glass of ice cold milk, I've had to put on my bathrobe. It really should have been washed in the last load of laundry, but I was loathe to miss it for any length of time. It smells a bit stale and musky and I'm going to have to wash it anyway. There's no way around it. I'll have to wear my gray woolen cardigan if I get cold while I wait for my bathrobe to dry. That's not too bad either and it will keep me almost as warm. 

Last night I failed to finish watching an episode of 'Lewis.' It was interesting, but halfway through I started yawning. I thought about staying up and finishing watching it, but I started longing for my bed. In the end. I put my pajamas on and took my sleeping pill and was sound asleep in the shortest amount of time. I think I put my head down on the pillow and was instantly asleep. 

I'll have to get off the sleeping pill. I'm going to have to slowly cut down. It's not that it really helps me sleep anyway. I do enough of that without it. I'll have to discuss this with my psychiatrist and do it under his guidance. It will be good to get off it because I don't know how much it influences my state of mind. It's supposed to be a pretty powerful pill and it's best to do without it. I don't want to take anything that alters my state of mind like that. That is a barbiturate. I should be able to do this, just like I did with the tranquilizers. 

I don't have anything special on the program today. I can actually be as lazy as I want to be, but I'm not really in the mood for that. I'm going to have to try and think of some things to do, besides sleep late when I go back to bed. Thursday is always my day off and I usually don't have anything planned on that day. I must try and get a busier schedule. I should find something to occupy myself with in the long term. I'll have to make a commitment to something.

I've got to take my medicines and go back to bed. I'm not nearly done sleeping. Another possibility is that I'll sit in my armchair and drink tea and read for a while. I will have to find another book because I'm so not taken with the one I'm reading. It's turning into a chore to. That can't be the purpose of a relaxing activity. I'll have to look on the bookcase and see what books are left unread. I'm sure there are many to choose from. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Loving every minute of it...

I'm serenely seated here behind the computer in the middle of the night (or call it early in the morning) and I've just about had all the coffee I want to drink. It's time to switch to that old stand by, a glass of ice cold milk, to make me burp some. I'm almost used to the special effects and expect them now. It wouldn't be the same experience without them. So you see, you get used to any strange phenomenon as long as it's familiar. 

When I say I'm serene, I mean I have a fairly peaceful mind as I have had for a long while now. I went to bed with it and got up with it. As we say in the Netherlands, I fit into my skin well. I don't know where that saying came from, but it is widely used and it sounds more appealing in Dutch. We use the word 'lekker' which is untranslatable. Some words and concepts aren't, which is a shame because so much feeling is meant by them. 'Lekker' is everything that is good and then some.

I woke up writing a blog post in my head before I had even opened my eyes. I now don't remember what it was about, but I think it is funny that I'm so occupied with it in the middle of the night. Apparently, I'm immediately ready to go write one when I wake up. Maybe I dream about it while I'm asleep. It wouldn't surprise me, although I know it's mostly nonsense what I think of first. I do remember that much.

For a change it wasn't the dog who woke me up. I did it all on my own and I must have an internal alarm clock that tells me to get up at a certain time of the night. It's when I'm temporarily all done sleeping and I'm ready for some entertainment to interrupt my long night. I don't really mind this, but I wouldn't mind either sleeping all night and not waking up until the morning. It would be awfully nice to be woken up by the real alarm clock. I wouldn't mind having to set it before I went to bed.

It's funny how you learn to accept any kind of schedule as being normal simply because that's what you have gotten used to. In my former life, I used to sleep long and hard all night long and you would have had to shoot off a canon to wake me up. Now I sleep like I'm alert to the least little noise and I'm ready to get up for no reason at all. I do long for those deep, heavy sleeps of long ago. They were very restful.

At least I'm not comatose anymore when I wake up in the morning. That's a big blessing. I function fairly well. I'm more then capable of making a very decent pot of coffee and I don't have to drink the whole pot in order to get dressed and be ready to take the dog for a walk. And getting dressed is simple if the weather is cool and crisp and you know which clothes to put on. I always think that makes things much easier.

I've got to go back to bed and sleep a few more hours. I'm going to see my new therapist this morning for my first official appointment. I do want to be alert and fresh looking when I get there. I do want it to be a productive meeting. Wish me luck. 

Have an especially nice day in this autumnal weather.

Ciao,

Nora

Take me away again...

It's hard to figure out my what my schedule is today. That's because I was up most of the night and didn't go back to bed early this morning. I sat in my alternative armchair instead and read my novel while drinking numerous glasses of tea with sugar. That was very cozy but did cause a shortage of sleep that I had to make up for later in the morning after I had seen my SPN. 

I'm making headway through my novel and getting more interested in it as I do. I'm halfway through it now but consider myself lucky that I only have half of it left to read. You can tell that I'm not enjoying it as well as I should. I can't help it. It's a tough one to like. 'We Were The Mulvaneys' is not for the casual reader and that's exactly what I feel like now. I will have to choose something completely different for my next read. 

I took a nap later in the morning but was awakened from it prematurely by my neighbor who had found a piece of mail addressed to me in his mailbox. This always distresses him very much and instead of putting it in my mailbox, he feels compelled to ring my doorbell and hand it to me personally. He does this very grouchily as if it is all my fault and I planned it on purpose. It's not a nice way to wake up from a nap. 

I walked the dog in the hot sun and heard on the radio that it was going to be the hottest September in 100 years. I'm glad for everybody else that it's such nice weather but for me it doesn't have to be quite that warm. A little bit cooler weather would be alright too. I never feel that I'm appropriately dressed because somehow I can't get into my summer clothes anymore. It's the wrong time of year for them. I'm in the mood for wearing layers now and not skimpy tops.

I didn't do any chores to speak of because my schedule was so messed up and I hardly know what I did with my time. Most of it was lost to nothingness. Oh yes, I did go by the pharmacy for my supply of medicines and came home with a bag full. I shouldn't be proud of that and am not. It's just that I'm all set and won't have to worry about running out for a while. I do feel better when I'm well stocked. 

For the sake of getting some much needed sleep, I took another nap around dinnertime. I had to because I was unable to stay cheerful and alert. I was asleep in no time and slept for a few hours. I think I'm okay now and should be back to normal. I'm not going to do a repeat performance of a night like the one I had. It's not such a good idea to stay up and not get the hours of sleep that you need and watch the sun come up. I don't recommend it to anyone. 

I've got to eat still and I wonder what's on the menu. I would like to be surprised, but I think that won't happen. I can't fool myself and pretend I don't know what I'm fixing. 

Have a good night all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Hardly any fools around here...

It's in the middle of the night as usual and I'm sitting here with my excellently brewed cup of coffee. I can say that about myself, that I brew coffee well, because it's the truth. At least, according to my tastes it is. I like a cup that packs a punch and this one does. If I had socks on, it would knock them right off, as the saying goes. 

Luckily, I'm sitting here barefooted because it isn't that cold inside. The hot coffee is heating me up and I'm wearing my warm bathrobe. There will be no socks flying around the living room, although that would please the dog very much. He's always stealing my socks if I don't put them away carefully. It doesn't matter if they're clean or worn. 

I had a good day today, except for not having gotten enough sleep initially. That does affect your outlook and makes you just a bit less cheerful, even though you try to be. It feels like you have jet lag and constantly need to lie down without being able to. I finally managed to get caught up on my sleep and felt a heck of a lot better after that. When in doubt about your mood, always take a good nap. It will fix you right up. 

Right now I keep falling asleep behind the computer, but I do have little revivals during which I have bursts of energy. I am yawning something awful and it makes me hopeful for when I go back to bed. That coffee doesn't seem to have made much of a difference.  I'm going to drink a glass of ice cold milk and see what that does to my thinking capacities. Hopefully it will jar me awake a little bit  temporarily. 

I have no big plans for tomorrow other than to do some chores and to feel good. It's only a very short time ago that I felt miserable every day and I'm still getting used to feeling well. I still feel that it's all very precarious and don't quite believe in it yet. 

I have to get used to having steady mooded days in which I regularly feel the same way all day long. I also have to get my sleep schedule in order better. I get up too early in the morning and suffer for it all day long. I need to get it back to how it used to be and not over optimistically get out of bed too soon. I must take a nap in the afternoon and not skip it. It's very important that I do. 

I always have to remember that I have to build in predictability and structure. Those are the two very important ingredients for me to function well. It's not a good idea to start messing with them. It's the sameness of each day that does me well. 

I suppose I will go back to bed now and try to get as much sleep as I can. I hope I'm sensible and don't get up too soon. 

Have a good day you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Imaginary skirmishes...

I'm really going to try and write a post for this blog now because it's been a while since I've done that. I never seem to get around to it anymore, although it used to be my habit after I took a nap in the afternoon. My naps have become longer, or I have been taking them later. Either way, I don't get around to writing posts and end up in front of the TV watching the news instead. 

Today I'm really late, so it doesn't matter what I do now. My schedule is completely turned upside down, but I don't mind because it's Friday. I ate lunch late so I'm still full and I don't need to eat anything for a long while because it was a big lunch by my standards. I may never eat again. Maybe that's what accounts for my big nap. It was my very full stomach. 

Now that I fit in size 12 hip hugging, skinny jeans, I really want to lose the rest of my weight. I'm very motivated and I don't want any unnecessary food to pass my lips. I have love handles that I want to get rid off and a couple of tops that I really want to wear, but that are too tight. I would look ridiculous in them, so they're laying on a stack waiting for me to fit into them. I tell myself that with enough persistence, I will. 

I can be as stubborn as the next person and once I have an idea in my head, it's hard to change my mind about it. I'm visualizing a skinny person and that's what I'll be.

I'm having a wonderful cup of coffee and am thinking about a glass of milk. I think I will stick to coffee because I need to be bright eyed and bushy tailed. I still have to walk the dog and I have the feeling that he's not going to be happy with a short walk. 

At least it doesn't look like it's going to rain like it did earlier when the sky was so threatening and dark gray. It's not at all warm outside, but that's okay with me. I can just put on my favorite jacket. My black leather one...the one that's getting too big on me.

*

The dog became impatient and I had to take him for a walk. It turned out that some rainclouds had moved in, unbeknown to me, and we didn't go for a long walk after all. I did let him sniff extensively all over the place as long as we weren't too far from home. He took his time doing that and smelled every blade of grass and every bush. He's now very happily chowing down on his kibbles which he had ignored before.

I'm having another cup of coffee and am not worrying about the rest of the evening. Time is going by quickly and half of the evening has already sped by. I will watch some TV later on, but tonight there's no thriller on despite the network's promise that there would be every evening. You can't believe anyone nowadays. Every night does not apparently mean, every night. 

I've had to turn the lights on already in the living room, it was so gloomy. Today may be the first of July, but the weather certainly isn't acting like it. A little bit of sunshine would be okay.

I hope you all have a good evening. I'm making the best of mine. 

Ciao,

Nora

Trying to go to sleep...

I've been on my way to bed now for a while, but I'm unsuccessful in getting there. I think I must not be properly sleepy yet, so I am foiled in my attempts. I even took my sleep medication, but it hasn't worked one bit. I am wide awake. I am going to try again as soon as I've written this post because I do want to stick to some kind of normal schedule. I don't want to upset the applecart. 

I slept late this morning and had a heck of a time getting out of bed. I finally got up because my knee was hurting me. I had to straighten out my leg and that was enough motivation to get up. It took me several cups of coffee to become lucid. All I did was sit in my armchair and drink coffee and smoke cigarettes while I waited to become a functioning human being.

Actually, it didn't take all that long. I was one within half an hour, but I like to exaggerate. I also like to drag out the waking up moment as long as I can. I'd rather not do anything right away if I can help it. 

There does come a time when I can't postpone it and I have to get dressed and walk the dog. I found some appropriate clothes to wear and set out with him in the noontime clouded sunshine. The clothes I wore were warm enough for the stiff wind that was blowing gray clouds across the sky and it looked like it was going to rain, but then it actually never did all day. 

The wind blew so hard that it almost ruined my hairdo, even though I had hair sprayed it. Later on in the afternoon, when I rode my bike to my sister's house, I got very much out of breath from pedaling into it and even worse so on the way home. It felt like I was at the sea with a good storm blowing in my face. 

Luckily, in my sister's garden we were somewhat sheltered, though it wasn't as warm as it usually is and we couldn't really sit out there with bare arms. We certainly didn't get a tan because there were too many clouds covering the sun all the time. It would have been good if it had at least rained because the garden needed it, but not a drop fell from the heavens. 

I had two cappuccinos and a cold beer and a piece of chocolate with nuts in it. That's about as decadent as I could get and it did fill me up. The beer was very refreshing and I drank it with a lot of taste. It always takes a while before I can eat dinner after that and I ended up eating my soup late and sharing it with the dog. I haven't even had dessert yet, but I figured that I didn't need it after that piece of chocolate. 

This morning I went on the bathroom scale and much to my surprise, I had lost another kilo. I wasn't really expecting that and was thrilled about it. It motivates me to keep trying and to not grab something extra to eat when it's not necessary. I don't need to eat snacks really. I haven't gotten more of those cheese crackers either and now just have the plain crackers again. They're a lot healthier and less addictive. The cheese crackers were loaded with salt. 

Well, it's time for me to try and go to sleep now. I will start the ritual all over again. I think I'm sleepy enough this time. I'm longing for bed anyway.

I hope you'll all have a good night or that you're still having a good Sunday. Mine was good enough. I'm not ready for it to be Monday. Blagh! 

Ciao,

Nora

 

No rest for the wicked...

I've tried to sleep, but after tossing and turning for a few hours I've gotten up again and heated up a cup of left over coffee. I will be up for a while and try to sleep again at a later time or some time early in the morning. I will see how well I manage to amuse myself and to which time zone in the world I can adjust myself. Somewhere in the world people are up living their lives and going about their business and I'll pretend that I'm in tune with them. I'll disregard the fact that it is bedtime here. As a matter of fact, I should be in tune now with my daughter who lives in Texas, so I'll pretend I'm over there. 

It's possible that I've been stuck in the Texas time zone ever since I was last there and that I never got adjusted again to the one here. I'm constantly running about 7 hours behind schedule. Maybe that's my problem. The little bit of sleep I get initially at night is only induced by my sleep medication. It doesn't really count as real sleep. I don't get that until I go to sleep in the early hours of the morning. In Texas I slept well. I went to bed at a normal time and slept through the night. I always sleep well when I'm in the States. I guess I feel safer there. 

This is all just a mad theory I'm making up as I go along. I'm only being silly, but I am looking forward to the moment when I get tired and I'll want to go to bed and I will really be ready to go to sleep. That's when I have my sweetest dreams, but I suppose that if I want to sleep well, I have to go to Texas. I may even go so far as to try California. That's 9 hours difference. That really ought to do the trick. 

I'm drinking cold milk now as I didn't think it was too smart to drink any more coffee. I've had enough caffeine during the evening to wake up a village. No, that's not true, I didn't drink that much coffee. Just enough to get me out of a slump, but it probably didn't help me go to sleep. I'm just too pepped up. I have to keep in mind that I reduced my anti-psychotics some more today. That can make a difference in my mood and energy level. It can make me hyper. I do have to keep an eye on that. 

I think I'll go find something to do. Some sort of trouble to get into. There must be something I can undertake. 

Have a good evening all you people who are still awake. 

Ciao,

Nora

Falling down hard...

At 10:30 this morning I went to the gas station and bought a pack of cigarettes and I have been smoking them ever since. I am going to smoke every cigarette until they're all gone and then I'm going to quit all over again. A terrible desire to smoke came over me and I couldn't contain myself any longer. I wasn't looking forward to the day and had not slept well. I was worried about coping and couldn't imagine the day without a cigarette. I could have just had two or three, but now that I have them, I want all of them. It seems like they are the most precious things I've ever had. They are so neat and pretty in their rectangular pack. I'm in trouble, aren't I?

I will assume that this is just an episode I'm going through, like a drunk falling off the wagon. I'll get back on the wagon as soon as I can. As soon as all these cigarettes are gone anyway, because I'm enjoying them too much. I'm not courageous enough to flush them down the toilet. Not yet, anyway.

I didn't sleep well and at first didn't even go to bed. I sat in my armchair with my book and fell asleep there. I woke up a few hours later and turned on the computer. I should have gone straight to bed, but I don't seem to be thinking clearly these last 24 hours. I did make it to bed eventually, but I didn't sleep long enough and now my schedule is all messed up.

I think my increasingly bad mood has to do with the fact that I'm smoking and I just flushed the rest of my cigarettes down the toilet. I'm sure that the poisonous chemicals are not good for my state of mind. On top of that I was awfully disappointed with myself and I didn't like my own behavior. I would only dislike myself more if I kept on smoking. I tore the cigarettes in pieces and threw them in the toilet bowl. There, that's it. I need to be able to feel proud of myself and like my behavior. I know I can live without smoking. I just have to continue to do it. Come hell or high water.

It's not been a good weekend to tell you the truth. I've been out of sorts and I don't know how much stopping smoking has to do with it. In reality I think smoking does my mood no good and I think it is just an illusion for me to think that it does. I actually feel better when I don't smoke. It's the habit of smoking that I miss and the instant gratification, but in the long term I don't think it helps me be in a good mood at all.

But still, I do miss smoking and having to think of other ways to fill my time and keeping myself occupied and having to direct my restless hands and mind along other paths not previously taken. I would be a liar if I said that was not true. What I must try to do is keep my life simplified and not add stress to it by not getting enough sleep and upsetting my schedule and doing things that I normally would not do. I need to keep myself focused on each individual moment and not anticipate so much and try to look into the unforeseen future and worry, which is what I was starting to do.

I have to try, while I quit smoking, to live from moment to moment and not make things so difficult for myself. I have a tendency to want to complicate my life when it shouldn't be necessary that I do, or when it is even silly to, and I must break that bad habit. I do have to cut myself some slack and go easy on myself. There's no reason to prove that I can jump through hoops. I will once again return to this moment, right now, and be present in the reality of my life and see the simplicity of it. I've made it uncomplicated for a reason.

I'm glad and relieved that I threw those cigarettes away. I was worried about having to smoke the whole pack. I thought that's what I wanted, but I was not comfortable with the idea. It bothered me that I was so willful.

I'm going to read my book now, or better yet, take a nap. I think that will be nice. It will settle my mind and I will be in a better mood to go celebrate my nephew's 16th birthday later today.

Ciao,
Nora

Feeling groovy...

I got up after having gone to bed early and Tyke thought that was a sign of action and started to get all excited. I had to ignore him and wait for him to settle down again, which he has now done and he is asleep on the sofa. I don't know why he thinks all sorts of things are going to happen in the middle of the night, because they never do. All I do is give him a rawhide chewy and hope he settles down again. He's a darn stubborn dog with a one track mind. It's stuck on having fun.

I was asleep under my nice clean sheets, but woke up nevertheless and had to get up. There was no sense in lying in bed waiting for sleep to come again. It will take a while for it to return. I don't mind and gladly get up for this middle of the night interlude. I will do my real sleeping when I go back to bed. What I've done now is take a long nap.

I've given it some thought and have decided to stop smoking. It's taking too much of my budget every month and I can use the money for other things. I will order nicotine patches at the pharmacy and finish up my tobacco that I still have and then quit smoking. For some reason I'm not at all fazed by this and I think that I can do it. I have a tremendous amount of confidence in myself and think that I will succeed.

It will mean that I and my apartment will no longer smell of smoke and that things will no longer get grimy because of it. I will be able to launder everything and have it smell fresh and apply air freshener to everything else. I'll get rid of the ashtrays that are always so smelly and I will be able to paint the living room and the hallway without having them turn brown again. And in the wintertime I will be able to close the windows without having the place smell bad. There are so many pros to quitting and there are so many cons to smoking, but the money is a big motivating factor. It's wasted now and that is a shame. It's going up in smoke, quite literally.

So that is my big resolution.

I had a quiet day yesterday. I didn't do anything exciting but change the bed and do a load of laundry that I forgot to hang up to dry, because there was till laundry hanging to dry on the rack in the bathroom. I have to take that down first and may do that in a while. There will be nice clean clothes there as well that will be tempting to put on in the morning. I can't wait.

I spent the afternoon watching a boring baseball game and reading my novel. The baseball game was truly boring and doesn't match up to American baseball and seems kind of amateurish in comparison. These guys could not play in the big league. I also watched some of La Vuelta, and that was a little bit more exciting. At least you get to see the scenery come by as the racers climb the mountains.

My book is good. There are some very dicey parts in it that I was not expecting and make it more than a feel good novel. I don't quite know how to deal with these elements in this book. They seem out of place and interfere with the happy ending that I assumed there would be. It's a bit more complicated than that and for some people life seems awfully unfair and very traumatic. I need to keep on reading to see how this resolves itself. If it does.

I walked Tyke in the fall sunshine and the somewhat chilly wind. I did wear a jacket, although it was a pretty day. Walking with Tyke is a hurry up and stop exercise, just like it used to be with Jesker. Tyke's always finding interesting places to examine for a long time and then suddenly runs off to the next place. He has unbounded energy and I have to keep up with him.

I just realized that I forgot to put the trash out and I wonder if I will do it now that it is in the middle of the night. It's kind of scary to go out there. I don't really have a full bag and it can wait until next week, I suppose. I won't be awake on time in the morning before they come to pick it up at 6 am.

I have to mail three books tomorrow for Bookmooch. I want to do that in the morning before the domestic help gets here, so I can't sleep too late. I do have to get up at a decent time. I'm sure I will not have to set my alarm clock but wake up on my own and get out of bed if I'm motivated enough. I'm going to have tea in the morning, because I'm almost out of coffee and the Exfactor is not going grocery shopping until Tuesday. He'll also come bearing gifts for my birthday. I asked for tennis balls for Tyke to play with. We've misplaced the one he had and he misses it a lot.

The try at the formation of the right wing coalition has failed and a lot of us are very much relieved. Now we start all over again and another sort of coalition will be attempted. All sorts are possible, but it will not be a right wing one, those chances are gone. Parties to the left will have to be involved and that will be much healthier and truer to the outcome of the elections. We can only keep our fingers crossed and hope for the best possible outcome. The government agreement has to be fair to the greatest amount of people and not just to an elite few at the top. It's not the little people who should pay the price for the economic situation, which is how the right wing coalition would have wanted it. It smacked of American republicanism, to tell you the truth. I don't think we want that kind of situation in this country. I'm more bound and determined to always vote socialistic as I see it as the fairest system for everyone in general.

Enough politics. I don't want to alienate anyone with my personal opinions. This is supposed to be a lighthearted blog.

I'm sitting in my bathrobe, drinking a glass of milk. It's 21C in here and the windows are still open at the top, although it is 11C outside. Isn't it amazing how warm it stays in here? I haven't had the heater on yet and will not for a long time. We're not expecting rain until Tuesday and today it is going to be 21C and sunshiny. I've got the perfect outfit for that kind of weather.

I love to spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about the kind of clothes I'm going to wear because it makes me happy. I do so because I think I will look pretty, assuming somewhere along the line that I'm not this middle aged woman with this less than perfect body, but a tall woman who looks good in her well chosen clothes. I have all sorts of illusions that I'm more than happy to live with and that don't need to be burst like bubbles or pretty colored balloons. I'm happy to live with my self image, which is good and which I never test to reality, because there's no such thing. There's only the concept of self and that's all that counts.

I'm not nearly ready to go to bed and I think I will hang up the laundry. I'm afraid my schedule is turned upside down. I'm awake for the better part of the night and getting sleepy towards the morning. I feel alive during the night and enjoy myself too much. My mind is keener and I feel better. Possibly my ancestors were nocturnal. Maybe they were pub crawlers and didn't come home until the wee hours of the morning.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

A new post.

I went to bed early in the evening, in my cleanly made up bed, and read my book until I fell asleep. A huge tiredness had come over me and I had been unable to stay up to watch the news on television or sit behind the computer to read blogs. Of course, at 10:30 I woke up and was wide awake and completely not tired anymore. It had just been a nap that I had taken and not a full fledged sleep until the morning.

That's just my kind of bad luck, because I had every intention to not wake up until the sun came up again. It seems I'm not capable of such a feat. I'm doomed to be awake at least some part of the night and to never just sleep through it. I think possibly one of my ancestors may have been a night creature. You can make of that whatever you will.

And so I sit behind the computer again with a tall glass of milk and a cigarette. Tyke is lying by my feet. He has just torn apart a small cardboard container and the pieces are strewn all about him. I figured he was bored, so I let him. I'll clean it up later before I go to bed. Maybe he's not quite done with it yet. I see a larger piece that can be shredded some more.You have to let dogs be innovative sometimes.

I'm more than halfway through my thriller and I have to say that it has really got my attention. The suspects are being lined up, the net is being tightened and people are behaving suspiciously. Of course, I don't know who the killer is, but I know who I want it to be. Probably I've got it all wrong and it's going to turn out to be someone quite differently. I just dislike the person who I want it to be, so it comes down to prejudice. I'm in a hurry to finish it, but I keep falling asleep with it, because the only time I read it is in bed or on the sofa. Anytime I'm in a supine position, there's the danger of falling asleep. It doesn't matter what time of day it is.

It's a shame that the weekend is over. I was as lazy as it was possible to be. No doubt it was the lack of activity that made me unable to sleep enough during the night. Some strong hard labor would have taken care of that. I have to get up at a decent time in the morning because the Exfactor is going to be here to pick up a package and do the groceries. I also have to make a phone call to get Tyke trimmed and bathed. I don't want to put that off too long.

I have to get myself back into some sort of normal rhythm. Right now I'm wasting a lot of time doing nothing of importance. My days are very unstructured. I know that's not the right way to live my life. I have to get myself onto a schedule and do certain things at certain times of the day. It's to my own benefit if I do and to the benefit of Tyke as well, because I don't take him for regular walks right now. My negative mood and the hot weather have been the cause of that. Tomorrow I'll change that immediately. Both my mood and the weather have improved. It's only going to be 26C tomorrow. That's warm, but not too hot.

I have to make a decision about this blog design. I don't know if I'm happy with it. Something about that big dried leaf disturbs me. I do like the white page and the layout. I'll have to see what I can do.

Ciao,
Nora

Monday at the short end.

I just woke up from a mega nap on the sofa and now I'm sitting here with my cup of strong coffee and my cigarette, trying to wake up properly, yawning a bit still. When I came home from creative therapy, I walked the dog, ate some lunch and laid down on the sofa. I had thought about being creative at home too and painting a picture, but I felt like sleeping. I slept well last night, but look at all the sleep I still had in me. Two and a half hours worth!

Creative therapy was lovely as usual. I worked on my fourth painting and basically just added second layers of paint to what I had painted so far, which amounts to about one third of the painting. I did the easy, large areas first and I have just started on the more detailed work. Unfortunately, it was time to go home then. The morning goes by so quickly, too quickly, if you ask me, and I could easily continue into the afternoon.

I've got my schedule for the new activities that I'm going to be starting November the 4th. I will have wood shop on Monday afternoons and creative class on Wednesday afternoons. I'm on a waiting list for another creative class for Thursdays, either in the afternoons or the mornings.These are not therapeutic classes. They are merely meant as activities and are guided by experts in that field. They are not also therapists.

So for a while I'm going to be having double the amount of classes, which I don't mind one bit, although it may be tougher than I think. It will only be for about one month, so I should be able to do that. The creative class is in the same space where I have my creative class on Mondays and Fridays now, so I can just continue with my work there, which I'm really thrilled about, because it won't be that different for me. Different people in the group and a different instructor, but what I do there will be the same. It may be possible that I will have to buy my own canvasses in that class, but that is no problem. Transporting them on my bike may be a little tough, but I'll figure out something. Maybe my sister can give me a ride. She'll have to anyway, to get those other ones home.

I was very worried about starting up the other program and leaving behind everything that was familiar to me, the therapists and the people, but now I think I'm going to be okay. I know the man who instructs the wood shop and he is very funny and kind, so I'm not worried about that and I'm going to be okay in the creative class. So, really, I think everything is going to be alright and I need not worry so much. "There is nothing to fear, but fear itself," as Teddy Roosevelt said. Or did he say, "Walk softly and carry a big stick." I think they both apply. I have a big African walking stick that I could bring with me. It is a massive thing with a big knob on it and you could easily knock someone out with it. It is carved out of one piece of wood and heavy. Maybe I should carry it and walk softly on my supple leather boots.

Tonight I will paint. I have my mind set on it. I have an idea for a painting and if it turns out well, I'll also do it on canvas. I'm going to be making a series of moonlight paintings. I've already started one and I want to make a few more. I've got a beautiful dark blue color for the sky in which the stars sparkle. I have to remember to find more cards with abstract depictions of animals. I must make it a point to look for those. It will be a mission I'll be on. I know the first place I'm going to look and that will be in the numerous albums of cards that are in the room where I have my Wednesday creative class now.

Alright, a picture has taken shape in my head and I know what I have to put down on paper, so I'm going to do that now. I'm quite excited about it and I hope it works out the way I think it will.

Oh, by the way, I'm still changing the image on my art blog every day, but I hate to have to remind you all the time. If you become a follower, I won't have to. Just a gentle hint.

Have a good evening. Send me good vibes while I paint.

Ciao,
Nora

For the sake of a post...

Since today is going to be such a busy day, I decided to get up real early, so I would still have some computer time. I got enough sleep yesterday, because I slept on the sofa in the evening and then went straight to bed and kept right on sleeping. I also took a gigantic nap during the day, which was unplanned, but pleasant nevertheless, but it did screw up my schedule a little bit. I don't really mind too much, because I work well under pressure and am good at getting things done at the last minute, when I can time it down to what I will do in the last hours that remain until I am supposed to be done. It's much more enjoyable that way and a lot more manageable.

I got two more books in the mail yesterday from Bookmooch and another book that I had ordered at Bol.com. So now I have six new books to read and more books are on their way, Three that I have sent have arrived and I am waiting to hear about the rest. I have six new books to send when I have the money. You do have to put yourself on a shipping budget, because you'll become poor sending all those books to different countries. Otherwise, it's great fun and I added more books to my inventory yesterday and got two hits on those. It's really a good way to get rid of decent books that you are never going to read again and get the books that you do want to read and maybe keep forever or trade again.

I've always had a love affair with my books and brought most of them with me from the States, and I thought I couldn't be parted from them, but once I started looking in the bookcase I realized there were many books that I didn't really care about all that much and was never ever going to read again and that I had them only to take up room on the shelves. I had them for their volume and not for their interest to me, and I thought of all the better books I could trade them for that I would be really interested in reading. Like Joyce Carol Oates and Anita Shreve and Barbara Kingsolver and Edna O'Brien, to name a few. You don't want me to name the whole list, do you?

Jesker has woken up from his deep slumber and is doing his morning exercise routine, which involves a lot of stretching and rolling around on his back. It means I will have to walk him shortly and turn off the computer and get the day started. I think I will do the grocery shopping first, because it will be nice and quiet in the store and I'll be done in no time. That means making a list quickly.

I'm all out of dog food so I can't even appease the savage beast, except with a Bonzo bone. He is already eyeballing his bowl and is probably hungry and so am I, but I'm also out of milk. I am drinking my coffee with powdered creamer and that isn't exactly my favorite, but in an emergency, it will do.

Right, good morning to you all and have a terrific day on this splendid Saturday, which here is going to be warm and sunny.

Ciao...

Where I ought to be...

It's late at night and I ought to be in bed, but it is so cozy here right now that I'm reluctant to go and climb under the duvet. Instead I will make myself some decaf and think of things to write about.

Jesker just had his second meal of the day, which he had to remind me of. I thought he would forget in my effort to make him lose a little bit of weight, but no way, he stood there barking at me and his dish and then at the can until I got my act together and set the filled dish down in front of him. He is now snoring contently on his blanket and he will be out of it until the morning.

The cats are reluctantly eating their kibbles that they liked so much at first. Cats are very frustrating animals. Their tastes change constantly and what they like one week, they dislike the next. I always feel I have to reinvent the wheel when it comes to their food and keep picking out just the right one. I should just stubbornly stick with one food and let them eat that one or else...it's up to them, but I'm a softy and fall for all the promises made on the bags of kibbles in the supermarket. New, improved, better tasting, full of meat, full of fish! They see me coming from a mile away. There's a sucker born every minute.

I cleaned the doors and they now are amazingly free of that grimy sheen that was on them. I only have two doors left to do and then the woodwork. That will be divided up into other three chore jobs. I have a bad shoulder, so repetitively scrubbing doors gets painful after a while and I'm not that good left handed. Three doors are just enough to handle. Then I have to wash the window panes above the doors and I also noticed more cobwebs, so I have to get the vacuum cleaner out and eradicate them. I will do that on Thursday. The Big Cleaning Day!

I have this attitude right now that I will not be defeated by the continual dirt in the apartment and that I will get on top of it. I have taken it on as a personal challenge and while I'm cleaning, I notice all the things that have been left undone for a long time, but with my new system I will get them done and keep them done, come hell or high water.

Jesker comes and investigates to see what I'm doing. He watches me with a very interested look on his face, but doesn't like me to close the door on him when I have to clean the other side. He is used to all the doors being open. He is also very alert when the kitchen window and the back door are open and constantly thinks he hears things that he has to bark at. I don't correct him, because I want him to be alert, and I praise him every time he barks at some real or imagined noise. I want him to be my guard dog and scare people away.

The cats sit in the open kitchen window and observe the street. They have found out that it is not their territory, that other cats rule there, and they stick close to the window, to my great relief. Sometimes they come running inside very quickly, because they think they've seen something scary, but then they very carefully go back out again. They are very curious.

So you see that my life would not be half as interesting without the animals, although they cause more than half the work in the apartment. It's amazing how dirty a dog makes the place, but I wouldn't want to have it any other way. They are my constant source of humor and love.

Tomorrow I'm going to be busy. I have creative therapy until 3 pm and then I have to do groceries and go see my SPN and go by the pharmacy on the way home. I don't know if I'll get to do three chores, probably not. That will be my day off then. Or it will be a one chore day. Oh wait, the groceries and the pharmacy are two chores, so I only need to do one thing. Aha!

Now I'm going to bed, because it's very late and I have to be somewhat sensible.

Sleep tight, all you people, some of you who are already in your bed.

Ciao...

Sooooo tired...

I'm so tired that I've made myself a mug of regular coffee or otherwise I'll fall asleep behind the computer and it's not even 9 pm yet and I think that's too early to go to bed. I'll wake up in the middle of the night if I do that and that's no good, so I have to hang in there a little while longer.

It's the expanded schedule that's making me this tired, I'm sure of it, and I haven't even gone full blast yet. On top of that, my crooked back has been acting up for the last 3 days and is making me lean to the left continually, causing the right side of my back to hurt. I have gotten strong pain medication from my GP, the kind that you have to take stomach protection pills with, but they are only helping a bit and I'm constantly sagging to the left. It's a pain in the you know what, because I constantly have to correct myself.

So, I had music therapy. We spent the first half hour talking about our experience with music and what role it played in our lives and what that kind of music had been starting from when we were children and what we listened to now. This was all very easy for me, because I remember my whole musical development and the stages I went through.

The therapist was surprised at my recent development and asked me how I came about it and I told her about Deezer, which keeps me up to date. I'm no old fogy. I rock with the best.

Then we were introduced to some instruments, which included the guitar and a small harp and a xylophone. There were also lots of drums there on which I really wanted to pound, but we never got around to that. I hope to do that next time. Playing chords on the guitar is hard. I'd rather learn to play the violin. Ahum! As if I ever will at my age. The xylophone played the black keys on the piano. The harp played do re mi fa sol la ti do very well. That's all we could get out of it. Except for some experimental strumming that sounded like fairy music.

We had an half an hour break until the relaxation exercises started and they were very pleasant and non exhausting, just very relaxing. We did them standing up and sitting in a chair, what more can you ask for, except that I kept toppling over in the chair. We literally relax every part of our body, including our facial muscles and we got instructions on how to do them at home. We had to rate our levels of stress before and after the exercises and there was quite a bit of difference for most people, except those who were stubborn and thought they were special cases. They started off with a low mark and ended with the same low mark, as if it had made no difference. I'd kick them all out of the class.

When I finally got home, I had something to eat and walked the Überhund and after that pretty much got stuck in Facebook all afternoon, making new artist friends and exchanging many comments with them and with my daughter who has been sending me interesting links. Here we have a situation of a daughter educating her mother about all sorts of subjects. I'm a willing pupil.

I took the Überhund to the vet for his eyes, because both his ointments were used up and he got another tube of the expensive ointment. The vet doesn't charge me the consultation fee, he just charges me for the medicine which the Exfactor pays. Thank goodness, otherwise I couldn't afford the dog. That poor dog and his eyes, they'll never get better, I think.

I am going to put my pajamas on now. That way, if I am ready to crash, I'll be all prepared. I think I did well writing this post, considering how bone tired I was. The coffee helped a little. I am now drinking decaf again and once I have my pajamas on, I'll get in the sleep mode. It always works. Well, almost always.

Sleep tight, if it is your bedtime. If not, have a good rest of the day.

Ciao...

Friday at last.

The Überhund was playing with Gandhi early this morning in the bedroom, chasing her around while she hopped around on the furniture, so I woke up at 6:30, which was too early, but it couldn't be helped. I had set the alarm clock for seven and thought I might as well get up, because those two weren't about to quit their game. They were very feisty. It was give Mom a hard time morning.

So I put on my slippers and very drowsily made myself a cup of coffee and watched repeats of the news, which I shouldn't have done and which were all about the events of yesterday. It was not a good way to start the day.

I decided to get dressed and first had to decide what to wear and I wanted to look colorful, so I wore lavender colored leggings with a purple t-shirt and my black mini skirt and my brown boots. I added a blue necklace and a multi colored beaded necklace so I looked like a happy camper and all cheerful. It was like I was going to a party.

My hair was terribly squashed and I had to do some work to get it to stand up again the way it is supposed to, short of getting in the shower and washing it, for which I had no time. Then I took my extra strong hairspray, that can withstand hurricanes, and made it stay in place. It can poke your eye out. Caution!

In the meanwhile, the dog was laying by the door waiting for me to get done so I could take him out. He braves the hairspray and the perfume. He just sneezes a couple of times.

I now have everything planned so that I am consistently five minutes late to therapy, but I do miss all the traffic this way and am not in danger of getting run over when I have to cross the busy street. I figure my safety is worth something too, especially since my pedals are funky and don't always move me ahead when I think they will.

I made a complete sculpture this morning, but it wasn't a very difficult one and I am getting the hang of it, so I sculpt rapidly. The next one I'm going to make is more difficult, but I wanted to jack up my self esteem a bit by making an easy one first. Actually, it was easier than I thought it was going to be and I was surprised that I had finished it when the morning came to an end. It needs to dry just a little bit so I can hollow it out on Monday.

When I got home, I decided to write my new schedule down in my agenda, so that it would all become more clear to me and so that I could see on which days I was actually doing what. I have therapies on every day, but I have three afternoons off, so that's not too bad. I also have some holidays coming up. so some of these days are going to be canceled, which I think is a darn shame, because I want to go to those therapies.

The Exfactor's brother and sister in law are visiting him for a couple of days, but they are not planning on coming over to see me, which kind of surprises me, because I thought I got along well with the sister in law and had talked to her several times on the phone since our divorce. I'm not really put out, just a little bit surprised as I was expecting them to come by and it would have been a good reason for me to finish my house cleaning. I would have enjoyed seeing her, but I guess I'm really divorced from the family now.

I think Toby is all better. I haven't heard him sneeze at all today. He is very affectionate and hangs out in the kitchen all day long and whenever I go in there he is ready to be petted by me. He was such a miserable heap of a cat last week and now he is a nice normal cat again. Antibiotics are great!

That's all of my news for now. Tomorrow is another day of house cleaning. I really must get serious about the bathroom. I'll wake up with lots of energy and just do it.

Have a good evening, you all. The sun is shining here and has been all day.

Ciao...

Wednesday after the ergo therapy.

Well, you all know that I started feeling better after my daughter's phone call. That brought me back to reality a bit and reminded me of some very important people I love. That was very good for me and I was able to have a relaxed evening and a good night's sleep and was woken by the alarm clock at 7 AM.

I had to go to ergo therapy and it was especially important that I go, because I find that the therapist there usually sheds some light on whatever problem I am dealing with. I usually have a "Eureka Moment" there, so I assumed I would have one today also. I was bound and determined to have one.

After dressing in my lavender leggings and my black and white mini dress and my brown boots, I took the dog for a walk and then had a cup of coffee and made some cigarettes, before I hopped on my bike and rode it to the clinic. I was on time to sit on the deck with an espresso and chat with some other people before it was time for the therapy . We all filed in with our cups of coffee and found our place to sit and I was eager to start, but the therapist had an announcement first.

The clinic has been taken over by another country wide organization and they want the clients to do six half days of therapy in a week. I am doing three half days right now, so I needed to add another three. So, all of us had to add some half days to our schedule and we got the paperwork out to see what we could add.

If it all works out, I have added another 4 hour creative class on Tuesdays, a dance class on Wednesdays, providing four other women I know also go, a music therapy class on Thursdays and a relaxation techniques class also on Thursdays. That's beside the two mornings of creative therapy I already do on Mondays and Fridays and the ergo therapy I do on Wednesdays.

It's a very full schedule and there is some concern as to whether or not I can handle it, but I think I will be fine. Or am I overestimating myself now? I never know until I try it, it will be like having a job and going to work every day. I think it's good, as it will leave me less time to be alone with my own thoughts and ponder things and I will get tired and sleep well.

So, anyway, then we did our usual round and when it was my turn I told about my bad down turn and about what happened at creative therapy on Monday and that I had been drinking and had suicidal thoughts and had been very depressed and the whole damn story and we discussed all of this for awhile to get to the bottom of it and what it really comes down to, is that on Monday I felt rejected and I take rejection very personally and that has to do with my childhood.

When I get a rejection, I feel rejected as a whole person, all of me is rejected and with me that leads to extreme feelings of worthlessness and depression and self destructive thoughts and suicidal tendencies. I literally start to self destruct emotionally, but also wish it physically. I chaotically start to fall apart and stop functioning normally and it takes me a lot of talking with other people and a lot of reasoning to see my way out of that situation again.

So, you could say that I am vulnerable to rapid cycling, but that there is always a trigger that gets me started if you look carefully enough and it is probably something that would not upset someone else so much. It wouldn't fester like that.

So, that's pretty clear, isn't it? It makes sense to me.

Now for something completely different.

Today I received this beautiful bouquet of roses from my good and thoughtful blogging friend Tessa, who had it sent to me to put a smile on my face. Well, you can bet that it did. It's gorgeous and I luckily had the perfect vase for it and they stand on the dining table where I can look at them constantly and admire them very much. Thank you very much, Tessa, you peach! Some people are very good at performing random acts of kindness and Tessa is one of them.

I have to feed the Überhund and take him for a walk and then eat something and I may just get comfortable and put my pajamas on, but that's a big maybe, because it is rather early still.

I want to thank all of you who have been so supportive of me with your comments and wise advice. I hope I'm a little bit smarter now and that I will be okay now.

Have a very good evening.

Ciao...