Another cup of coffee...

I realize that I've got to make some more coffee if I want to feel at all better than I do now. It will be a last ditch effort. It is the only thing I know to do that I think will help. It is either that, or crawl back into bed. I'm not exactly in the mood for that because it is too early in the day for a nap. I've got to find another way to cheer up.

I woke up this morning with a headache and pain in my neck and shoulders, so that was not a good beginning to the day. I also felt very stressed and my thoughts raced through my mind almost from the minute I got up. They jumped from one subject to the other at amazing speeds. I don't know what to blame that on.

I seemed to do a bit better after I took my medicines but that may have all been in my magination. I don't think I have really improved that much. I'm a bit calmer now maybe. 

I have to try and find the magic formula to peacefulness. I know that I am capable of this because I have felt it in the past. It may have been quite by chance that I felt it but I know it exists. If I do everything just right, maybe I will feel it again. Writing these thoughts down helps a lot too. 

Sometimes I find it very difficult to be me, especially when I can't find my peace and quiet. When they are so elusive that I'm left with nothing but free floating anxiety. 

I've had my first cup of coffee and I feel somwhat better now. I suppose that was a good choice then. It's straightening out my head to some extend. 

I was supposed to do some paperwork today that I have been putting off and have not yet found the right moment for. It's not very complicated but does require me to pay attention and it is a responsible job. I can't do it when I'm stressed. It literally makes me sick just thinking about it. I will put it off until this weekend when I will feel less pressure on me. 

Yesterday, as if by some miracle, I started reading a book. It is one I got for Christmas on the workings of the brain. I hope it keeps continuing to capture me and that I will finish it. So far it is interesting but I won't be able to concentrate on it if I feel this amount of stress. I will make myself sit down and try to read it again today for about an hour. Anything to do with the brain is fascinating to me. 

First I will find some other relaxing activities to do behind the computer. The dog has stopped bothering me and has gone to sleep. I was waiting for that to happen. He's a little spoiled sometimes and won't eat his kibbles. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

In the late evening...

Now, in the late evening, it is raining buckets, but I don't have to be out there so I am glad. The dog very briefly went out back and was more than happy to come back inside. He got wet enough in the very short time that he was out there. The cat very wisely is staying inside where she belongs. It may be a matter of being smarter or having better bladder control, I don't know. 

I'm fighting my sleepiness with a cup of instant coffee. It does serve its function in that capacity.  I haven't replaced the coffeemaker yet. There's been no opportunity for it yet. It will wait a while as long as I have the instant coffee, I just have to get a better brand.  Much as I dislike drinking it, I'm sure that will make a difference. 

It's been an interesting day today. I found out what I already suspected. I didn't have to file income taxes over 2011. I had gotten no paperwork about it and started to get big doubts so I called the tax office. The woman I got on the line confirmed my suspicions and reassured me that I would not have to. That was a relief to hear. I thought I might have been going into default and have gotten into trouble.

Because I'm switching energy companies, I was waiting for the final closure bill from my old energy provider with some dread. I thought I might be owing them all sorts of money because it had just been wintertime and an expensive time of the year. That bill came in the mail today and much to my relief, I'm getting a nice amount of money back that I can really use. The gods smiled kindly upon me. 

Because of circumstances beyond my control. I had today to get a new telephone number and I thought that was going to be a quite involved process, but it turned out to be fairly easy. After a few formalities it was done in a flash and I will know my new number in a few days when it will be sent to me in the mail. My old number has already been disconnected so the problems with it should be resolved. The new number will be a secret number. 

I made an appointment for the dog to get his fur trimmed and I don't even know if the Exfactor will be able to take him there. If he can't, I will have to take him and I will have to be up to that, but at least I will have the money to pay for it thanks to the windfall from the energy company. 

That will also pay for the new identity card that I have to apply for shortly because my passport is about to expire. I will have to have those god awful passport photos taken and go to city hall and be finger printed. At least you can make an appointment for it nowadays and not have to wait in line. 

My headache has returned and I'm taking the painkillers again along with two tranquilizers a day to help relax me. The area around my right eye is hurting too and it seems to me that my eye hurts also. I do definitely have to wear my glasses and I can't cheat and only wear them now and then. It's too much of an adjustment to take them off and later put them on again. It's always something...

That about sums up my day, except for the usual odds and ends. The laundry and the dishes and changing the bed, etc. 

I hope you'll all have a good night and lots of good news. 

Ciao,

Irene

Massive cheer up time...

I was good this afternoon and took care of all the paperwork that I had left lying around for some time now. I also visited my bank account to see if I was still solvent and paid some bills. I got the end of year bill from the energy company and am actually getting some money back. Phew, that was a relief. I thanked the Higher Being for that big favor. 

When I was all done with the paperwork, the damage was actually very small and I could put a lot of things in the recycle box. The rest was noted and taken care of and filed. I felt very virtuous for having done it in such a relative short amount of time with such little pain. I had not been a job that I was looking forward to, but it always is much less bad than I think it is going to be. 

Now I won't have to put anything off for a while anymore and I can take care of things as they come in. The fun part about emptying the mailbox right now is the fact that there are Christmas cards in it and not just official mail. That does make it a lot nicer and reminds me that I have to send some myself. The season is sneaking up on me before I'm quite ready. I still have to buy stamps. 

My daughter and her father are going to be here in another nine days and will spend Christmas and New Year's here. I haven't seen her in four years and I'm looking forward to it very much. It's very difficult not to see your own daughter for such a long time. You have to close up a lot of feelings inside your heart. I can let them out for a while shortly. 

I just took the dog for a walk in the cold, windy evening air. It was not a great pleasure to be out there, but we survived it anyway. I think the dog minded it less than I did. I should have worn a hat because my head was very cold, but then I thought about 'hat hair.' That's so unbecoming that I decided to be cold instead. I am a vain enough woman not to want to look ridiculous. Even if it is dark outside and nobody will see me and no one will see me when I get home. 

I haven't watched the news tonight. It seems that the stories on the news are all very negative and cause nothing but worry and fear. They tell you everything that's wrong and no way to get out of it. You start to feel so hopeless and helpless. Maybe they are over realistic and maybe they paint the wrong picture. I don't know who or what influences the stories that get told on the news.

I must eat some dinner, my body needs to get fed. The Exfactor brought me some rice pudding and I think I'll have that. 

Have a great evening, all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

Those rotten chores...

I've done my chores and the washing machine is churning away so I don't have to feel bad about sitting here and taking the time to write this. I've even done my administration and ordered new food for the dog on line. Yes, I have done my duties and didn't have a nervous breakdown. 

I only was in danger of having one for half a minute and then I dared it to. I faced it head on and decided it wasn't going to get to me. That I was stronger than it and that I was not in need of a tranquilizer simply because I had a number of stressful activities to take care of. 

I proved to be right. Opening the mail and facing possible bad news was not half as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was what it was, unpleasant. They wanted my money. I dislike that intensely, but it doesn't help if I have a breakdown over it.

In my spare moments I watched tennis at Roland Garros. There were some Dutch people playing and they needed my attention, not that it helped. We don't do all that great, not when faced with formidable opponents like Kim Klijsters and Marty Fish. It was fun to watch anyway and they were nice moments to have a cup of coffee and a cigarette.

I couldn't finish watching any of the matches, so I don't know how they ended. I had to do my chores and walk the dog in the windy day. There are rain clouds, but no rain has fallen out of them yet.

The dog had been stealing the potholders off their hook in the kitchen and playing with them. They had drool all over them and they're in the washing machine now. He has also been stealing the magnetic little animals off the refrigerator and I found them throughout the apartment. I put them up high, but he still got to them. 

It's a completely new activity for him that he's just discovered. Stealing things from the kitchen. I suppose that up till now, it was just a place to go eat and he hadn't really explored it properly. I guess next will be the dishtowels. I've got to go to the pet shop and buy him some new indestructible toys. He wrecked his rubber rabbit to the point that I had to toss it out. 

He really enjoyed tearing that rabbit apart and it took him a long time. It was worth the price I paid for it. I may get one like it again. It was the best toy we've had so far. 

I've got to put away the dishes and hang up the clean laundry. I'm glad the day is almost over. I have to walk the dog one more time and then I'm going to put on clean pajamas and vegetate in front of the television. I may even read my book. It will be an evening spent leisurely with the minimum amount of activity. 

You wouldn't have thought that officially this was my day off. I had no appointments today and nobody coming over. 

I hope you're all having a good day with the kind of weather you most want. 

Ciao,

Nora

 

Don't neglect the masses...

It's in the middle of the night and, because I went to bed very early, I've already slept several hours before I woke up and was wide awake again. That, of course, is usual for me. As morning approaches I will get tired and go back to bed to sleep some more and I do have the luxury to do that. I'm completely aware of how lucky I am. I do like this schedule and enjoy being awake in the middle of the night and sleeping in the morning. That seems to be the rhythm that suits me. 

I was asleep with both Tyke and Gandhi on the bed, because it seems that the extra blanket I put on it is just what they desired. It is soft and comfortable for them to lie on and it is warmer than the relatively cool duvet cover. They both huddle close to me as if we live in the Arctic and we are sleeping through the coldest possible night. It really doesn't get that cold in here, I never do turn the thermostat that low. Tyke is colder because he got his fur trimmed and he does lie closer to me to profit from my body's warmth. 

Yesterday was a day of chores and walking Tyke. I'm not finished with the chores and got some of them only halfway done. I will have to do the other half today. I did check my bank account balance and saw how solvent I was. I opened all the mail and much to my relief most of it turned out to be very unimportant. You can't tell that by looking at the envelopes. I always expect the worst and then it usually turns out to not be so bad, but there is much anticipation ahead of time. It's very enjoyable when I can put most of the paperwork in the recyclable bin. 

It's very enjoyable to pass the time with more or less insignificant things. I don't feel a great need to perform out of the ordinary deeds. I'm glad when the day goes by as smoothly as possible and all the elements are as uncomplicated as can be. I like solving problems, but I don't like for them to be huge. I do like their size to be of human proportion and manageable. Other people's psychological complications I am usually able to deal with very well. I seem to have a good understanding of them and have an answer too. I usually come up with some solution. My own psyche is becoming clearer to me, especially now that I'm cutting down on my medicines. It's amazing what difference that makes in my ability to view myself. I'm less complicated than I thought I was. 

I do believe that everybody should create their own myth to live by and that you should not believe in other people's myths. If you make up your own, you can fill it with elements that are true about you and not about other people. You have to make up the story about yourself based on how it really is and then live accordingly. If you're completely honest with yourself, you will know what your own truths are and not try to maintain those of other people. Believing in other people's myths and truths will set you on the wrong path and it will lead to frustration and sadness. They won't fit you and you will be uncomfortable with them. Many people go burdened by mistaken beliefs about themselves.

Having said that, I do hope I don't forget my own advice two months from now when the leaves come back on the trees, because that can be a time of turmoil for me. I'll have to go back and reread my own blog posts. In times of sanity I can be very wise, only to forget everything I've said when I go off course. Hopefully, this spring things will be different. I will be off a lot of my medication and that may make a difference. I don't know how much the pills have influenced my moods. It may have been for the worse. We'll see. 

I hope you'll all have a good morning when you wake up, or a good night when you go to sleep, whichever applies to you. 

Ciao,

Nora

In the niddle of it...

I'm in the middle of doing chores and really don't have the time to sit down and write a post, but while the washing machine is churning away, I figured I could ignore the dishes and sit here for a bit. I can see the dishes from where I'm sitting behind the computer and I'm glancing at them as I write. I will not be intimidated by them. There are not that many of them and I'll have them done in no time. I'm saying this with all the courage I have in me at the moment and that is more than I had earlier in the day when I was more cowardly. 

I've done some chores already and did them more speedily than I had anticipated. I'm more efficient than I thought I was. Apparently I had put enough thought into it ahead of time that I went to work in an organized fashion and got them done in the shortest amount of time. Either that or I had them blown up in my mind to a size that was completely out of proportion to their actual size. I think the latter must have been the most true. I do worry about things ahead of time too much. 

I had one single sock in the dry laundry, but I know where the other one is. Tyke had stolen it and used it as a security blanket. It had floated around the living room for a few days. He had not chewed any holes in it and I finally took it away from him and put it in the next load of laundry. I'll have to give him an old sock that smells like me. I don't really know if I have one. He'll have to wait until I truly have an old sock. Maybe the next time I have a hole in the toe of one, but my socks seem so sturdy. They are industrial strength socks. 

I'm slowly reorganizing the bookcase in the bedroom and finding new places for all the things that Tyke shows the least bit of interest in. It means getting rid of things too. A lot of it is paperwork that needs to be better organized and it's a good reason to do that. I need to make a box with vital documents and have those safe in a cabinet where they are also handy. I used to have them in a file system, but it has fallen apart due to old age. You always have to decide what to keep for posterity and what can just go. It's also important to stay in the here and now. 

Tyke purposely rolls his tennis ball under the sofa and then stands beside it and barks so that I have to get the African walking stick and get the ball out from underneath. He's a little stinker. I saw him do the same thing with the ball and the CD rack. He'd get it stuck underneath there and couldn't get it out without my help, but he pushed it underneath there himself on purpose. He really made the effort to. That dog is much smarter than I give him credit for. 

Every time I think the washing machine is done, it goes and does something else. European washing machine sure take their time to run through all the cycles and I put it on a short program too. I want to dry the laundry tonight so that I can change my bed again soon. I have a shortage of pillow cases, because I use four at the time and I can't find the right size unless I go to Ikea. I haven't been there in a long time and I should talk my sister into going. 

I discovered the window in the spare bedroom was open and had been open for god knows how long. It does explain why it was getting so cold in here so quickly. One of the domestic helps must have opened it and I have a suspicion which one it was. I kept feeling a draft by my legs when I sat behind the computer, but I thought it was because of the cat flap. Since I closed it, it is a lot warmer in here and the heater hasn't gone on all day. It goes to show you how much energy I could have saved. I'm glad I discovered it before it got really cold again tonight. I would have turned up the heater with it open and have been none the wiser.

I think the washing machine is done and I will go hang up the laundry. It's dark outside and time to turn on the lights. It's time to be cozy and cuddle the animals. 

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Snow!

It's been snowing for about four hours and we have several centimeters of it. So far it's still pretty and Tyke and I have already been out in it. We got a dusting of it all over ourselves. I was smart enough to wear my snow hat and it didn't mess up my hair too much. Tyke enjoyed it in the snow. I knew he would. He's that kind of dog, but I think all dogs like snow. They are like kids and like the adventure of it. It's going to keep snowing tonight and during the night. It's going to be cold.

I had a productive day today anyway. I got chores done in the morning and took a shower and found some nice clothes to wear. I discovered a top that I had forgotten the existence of. Isn't it nice if you are forgetful? It made me think of another top I had forgotten the existence of. Then I rediscovered some ankle boots that were very dusty, so I cleaned them up and put them on and took Tyke for a walk. 

I made phone calls that were necessary and checked my bank account and discovered a little surprise, which made me happy, and tried to figure out a way to get 10 detailed and descriptive bills from the Internet company, but I'm still working on that. I may not be successful with them, because I have an All in One Package and pay a flat rate. 

When my personal helper got here, I already had a lot of things done and I was ready to sit down and have a cup of coffee and a good chat, which I don't think she minded. We did do the dishes and I broke the handle of one of my favorite mugs. I will see if I'm able to glue it back on. I hope I have the right glue. I don't want the handle to come unstuck when the mug is filled with hot chocolate. 

Right after she left, the Exfactor showed up, but he was unable to fix my tire, because he didn't bring the right tools to take my chain guard off. Apparently, my screwdrivers were too short, so he's coming back tomorrow. That's when he'll do the groceries too, because he was unable to do them without the use of my bike. Luckily, I have just enough milk left to last until the morning. Actually, I think he was too tired and in no shape to do the job. It's better if he does it tomorrow when he's better rested. 

In the meantime, my domestic help had shown up and as a treat to me she completely cleaned up my whole patio of all the leaves that had covered it and she got it done in half the time it would have taken me. It had been a job that the prospect of was going to give me ulcers. I fretted about it so much and the longer I put it off, the worse it got and now, just on time, she got it done before the snow started to fall. I do feel like I have guardian angels in my life. 

She does stay and visit now when she's done with her work and we talk about  ordinary every day things and get to know each other. I'm old enough to be her mother and she says 'thee' to me. I like people addressing me that way. It's a sign of respect and I appreciate it. I do reciprocate by being respectful to her too. 

After she left, I walked Tyke in the snow and when I came home I discovered that I had no Internet connection, which I tried to remedy by taking the cable out of the modem for 5 minutes like they recommend, but I did that five times and I still had no connection, so I called technical help. The woman there told me to check my Internet connection at the hard drive and I did and voila, I was on line again. Apparently Tyke had pulled loose the cable when he chased his ball. I must remember to check that, because I think this has happened to me before. I bet I'll forget it again the next time.

The delivery boy from the pharmacy was just at the door and he brought so much cold with him that now I am cold and he was standing in the relatively warm stairwell. It's 28F but it feels like 22F. I will take Tyke out. It's not snowing too badly now.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Getting caught up...

Because of the long sleepless night I had last night, during which I searched for new blog templates for all my blogs and installed them, I was left short of sleep and it took many naps today to get me caught up again. Every time I thought I was done sleeping, I was not and nodded off behind the computer. Now I finally have the feeling that I'm done sleeping.

I just took Tyke for a walk in the stormy weather and the brisk wind woke me up completely. The nice cup of coffee I'm having is doing the rest. When I first woke up from my last nap, I was in a terrible mood and I knew I would have to make some coffee, despite the lateness of the day. I was right and the first cup helped improve my mood tremendously. I could think happy thoughts again.

I think I was actually in a hypo-manic mood during the night, so those of you who were concerned, were rightly so. Luckily, I was tired enough today for it not to continue and sleeping took care of it. I'll have to see how it goes tonight and if I manage to go to bed on time and stay asleep. I have the feeling that I'm going to be up for a while and that I'm not going to see my bed before midnight. I will put my pajamas on before that time, so that I will at least be ready to go when the time comes.  

I took Tyke out for a walk at the right time, because now the rain is lashing against the windows again and it is very stormy. It has been all day, because we are in a low pressure system that is spread over Western Europe. The weather has been horrid and I've had to turn on the heater part of the day. Luckily, it is now nice and warm in here and I've turned it off. Once it is warm in here, it stays warm for a long time. That was so awful this summer, but it is nice in the wintertime. 

Tomorrow it's Friday again. Can you believe it? Where did the week go? I can't sleep during the day tomorrow, because I have the personal helper and the domestic help coming. I must sleep during the night. I have to do some chores in the morning too, but maybe I can do those with my personal helper, although I need her help with filling out a form. I will never get that done if we don't sit down together and do that. It's a case of mental block on my part. 

Onward I go. I must answer emails. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Stress-less.

I had so much anxiety that I was afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. Everywhere I looked, the black dog prowled around and I don't mean Tyke by that. I couldn't find any peace of mind. I finally took two tranquilizers and they have now started to work and I feel a bit calmer. I have also asked for my psychiatrist to call me, because I want to talk to him before I see him on Friday. I must get some help before that time if I'm to survive in one piece.

At the suggestion of someone very smart, I've asked the powers who are in charge to move my domestic help to another time and/or day, so that I will be able to go to my creative class on Monday afternoon. I had not even thought of that myself. It's a good thing that someone else out there was doing the thinking for me.

This morning I paid the bills and got my paperwork in order. I made up the packages to mail, but I didn't go to the post office. It was beyond me and I'm planning on doing it tomorrow morning. Going somewhere is a real chore. I have to build up a whole strategy around it. I can't just spontaneously walk out the door. Everything takes a lot of courage that I'm short of.

The smallest things are super complicated and I have to think the process through all the way to the end before I begin them, otherwise they are too intimidating. It can be something as simple as watering the plants. It seems like a very difficult chore and like it is too much responsibility for me. I could kill them by giving them too much or too little water, so I do nothing and put it off. I will get it done this afternoon and write it down in my agenda. I'm going to write down all my little achievements. It will make it look like I am still capable. Like I'm still worth something. It will make my agenda look full too.

I've just had a cup of coffee and it has straightened out my head. It's funny how I always need a cup of coffee to do that for me or I can't think straight. It makes such a difference. I make six cups in the morning, but I don't drink them all. I reheat a cup as I need it in the microwave. It's a little bitter, but it does the job and I take milk in it, so that softens the blow. I could never function without coffee and I don't know how people manage on tea alone. I would be very miserable on it. I would not do well at all.

The tranquilizers are working properly now and I'm not filled with anxiety anymore. I'm actually feeling relaxed, as far as that is possible. They do take a load of my mind and I should always feel this way. Life would be so much more manageable and easier to take and the black dog has retreated. He's now lurking in the foothills.

Suddenly things don't seem so overwhelming anymore and I think I can now water the plants without having a nervous breakdown. I think I can even hang up the laundry and make my bed. It's even possible that I will be able to read my book again, which I have not been able to do for a couple of days. That would be very nice. I've gotten more books in the mail and I now have all the books that I had ordered with the gift certificate that I got from my daughter. I have enough reading material anyway, so it's a shame when I don't have the concentration to read. I haven't even been able to watch television.

Tyke's having a lie down in the sunshine on the dining table and is watching the children get out of school. It's one of his favorite pastimes, because he does like children so very much. Every once in a while a dog also walks by on a leash and that really gets his attention, but he never barks, he just looks. I think he likes little dogs the most. They seem to really perk him up. He's just a friendly little guy and thinks the world is filled with equally friendly creatures.

Well, you've been witness to a metamorphosis. I've gone from anxious to calm. I think I will have one more cup of coffee and then get on with the chores. I have courage now, so I have to grab the bull by the proverbial horns.

Have a good rest of the day.

Ciao,
Nora

Not moving yet.

I find myself delaying moving from this chair until the Exfactor gets here. There's an unwillingness to get myself involved in my daily activities and I want to ignore all of them and pretend they don't exist. Just for now I can't handle facing them on my own and I need another body here to help soften the blow. I know what is ahead of me and I don't want to face it. Instead I sit here and find excuses not to move my butt and to smoke another cigarette and to have another cup of coffee. I know I can't endlessly delay the inevitable and I'm just buying myself time now, but it feels like a stay of execution and every minute counts as one more lived through without terror.

I didn't take my antipsychotic pill this morning and I don't feel bad for not having taken it. I don't miss not having taken it. I plan on taking 2 tonight instead of the 3 I take during the day. That will mean that I'm back to my original dose and my original schedule. They make you sleepy, so it's good to take them at night. The amount of anxiety I feel now is the same I've been feeling for these past few days and it is about the same things. Taking care of things that I'm afraid to face. That I think will overwhelm me and that I'm not capable of taking care of properly. I don't have enough faith in myself.

It is hard to live with the fact that I scare so easily. That I'm afraid to open an envelope of which I can anticipate the contents. I scare myself half to death with the very idea of what's inside it and am unwilling to open it to see the truth. Behind every formal piece of paper I see unkind bureaucrats who don't give a hoot about me and my fears and who only want me to produce the proper papers and answers to their questions or else... I feel the sword of Damocles hang over me.

So I postpone and buy myself time until the moment arrives that I can deal with it and right now I've decided that it is when the Exfactor is here so I won't be alone when I read what's expected of me. Being cowardly is a very tough thing to be, because it makes you dependent on other people and their kindness towards you. They can decide not to show up and not to be kind and helpful and you just have to hope for the best. You carefully balance all your well laid plans and schemes to get yourself through the coming days. There's always a tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow is too late.

I wish I had courage and I do at times have great courage, but it seems to desert me now. I'm completely intimidated by my life. Or some of the aspects of it. The interference of it from the outside and the expectations of it from other people. But also the basic things such as taking care of details properly. Doing groceries should not be that hard, but to me it's like being asked to move a mountain. Getting dressed propperly should not be that difficult, but I find it a chore and one that I put off until there is no other choice. It confuses me to no end. Choosing what to wear is hard.

I want you to know that as I'm writing this, I'm completely in my right mind. I'm not panicking or running amok. I'm just clearly stating the facts. As a matter of fact, I'm very calm, but worn out from worrying. I just called the Exfactor to make sure he's going to be here and he is, so that's a relief. He said for me to start making a shopping list. I'm glad he's such a dependable person. I need about three of him in my life. I should have three husbands all living in their own houses, but all performing some task in my life, the least of which would be to provide me with love.

I'm going to clean up the kitchen now. It is a bit of a debacle, if a kitchen can be called that. It's for me to wonder how it gets that way. Mysteries to be solved, like the bathroom that is always in a state of disaster. Too many clothes and too many boots. Not enough organization.

Ciao,
Nora

A brand new day.

I'm just finishing my first cup of coffee and trying to properly wake up. I'm convincing myself that I am awake enough to write this post, that I have to in order to get my mind functioning well. I am sure there is some truth to that. I was so befuddled when I woke up, that I thought I would never think straight again. Instead of thinking that this was a mood, though, I realized that it was a temporary condition that would wear off as I woke up more and got my mind together, and that all the things I was worrying about would disappear as soon as I was released from my temporary state of mind. I have to have faith in myself and sometimes I am mighty short of that.

So, I'm not going to take anything too seriously right now and just let things be and not pay too much attention to them. I'll have another look at them in an hour or so when I have settled down more. In the meantime I can have another cup of coffee and enjoy the quietness of the morning, because Tyke is asleep by my feet and the cats are otherwise occupied.

Several times during the night Tyke climbed on top of me and licked my face and settled down to sleep there. He is quite heavy when you have him lying on your chest, but I didn't want to move him, because I found it very endearing. I just had to remember to breathe, but I did go back to sleep each time. In between those episodes, there were cats lying on top of me, but they were much lighter, I hardly noticed them. I am glad that I am so popular with the animals, at least as an object to lie down on. They probably love me too, but have an awkward way of showing it sometimes.

I tried to sleep in my bed last night, but for Tyke it was just an opportunity to explore the bedroom and get into all the things I had not thought of moving up higher on the bookcases. Every time I got up and moved the next thing, he found something else that was equally interesting. I finally gave up and moved to the sofa. Today I will have to move things in the bedroom and make it full proof so that there's nothing left for him to get into. He's surprisingly innovative, though, and can get to things that I think are impossible to get to. Well, I never did say that I wanted a dull dog, did I?

He's supposed to be eating his breakfast now, but is continually distracted by the world around him and, because I'm not sitting there with him, it's going to take him forever to finish what's in his bowl. I don't feel like sitting there with him until he's done. I think he needs to be able to eat on his own. Right now what motivates him is the chance that a cat may try to eat from his bowl, especially Toby. He minds it less if Gandhi does it, but it still will get him to eat... Well, I just gave in and sat with him and got him to eat some more, but I put the rest back in the bag, because he was not interested. He does have to know that there's a limited time he can eat in. He ate about half of it. Maybe that was enough.

Today is his birthday. He is one year old. Too bad he wouldn't know why he got a cupcake with a candle on it. To him it's just a day like any other day and I can't sing 'Happy Birthday' to him, because he won't have a clue.

All this talk about Tyke would have you think that he's somebody important in my life. I guess you would be right, because things do revolve around him right now. He's such a little ball of life and busyness that it's hard to ignore him.

The Exfactor is supposed to come by today and that will be very nice, as I'm out of supplies and I need someone to do groceries for me. My sister is working this week and is leaving for Italy for a week on Saturday, so I'm on my own. This is one of the reasons why I'm so nervous. I have some administrative work to take care of also and I'm not looking forward to it. It has to do with taxes and who ever liked taking care of that? It gives me a stomachache just thinking about it. I find it very difficult to take care of these things and can't bear the responsibility. I find it hard enough to take care of the day to day living. I really need someone beside me to take care of these things. Sometimes it's very difficult to be single.

Well, I suppose I'm wide awake now, so there's no more dawdling to be done. I must get the show on the road. I will look at my paperwork first.

Have a good stress free day. May all the Gods be kind to you.

Ciao,
Nora

Rambling...

I cleaned up the dining table. There were about 6 stacks of envelopes and magazines and other assorted bits of paper laying there and I looked through all of them and made a decision about each item. Do I pay it, file it, save it for later or chuck it? Faster than I would have guessed, I was all done and I even had time to fill in a long consumer questionnaire with the cute little pencil that the company had provided. I stuck it in the envelope that needed no stamp and will mail it when I walk Tyke next. Maybe I will get a nice assortment of products like I did the last time I filled in a questionnaire. That was really my motivation, you know! I like freebies.

I am now looking at my sofa cushions and realize that I need to take the covers off all of them and put them in the washing machine and run them through a good 40 degree cycle. That will freshen them up a bit. It is a job I will do tomorrow I think, because it's too late in the afternoon to do it now. I get my brilliant ideas too late in the day, which makes me wonder where the yellow fleece blanket is. I must have chucked it in the laundry basket already.

This morning I was bent over petting the dog when a drop of blood fell on him and I realized that I was spontaneously having a nose bleed. Luckily, I had a paper towel handy and held that to my nose immediately and pinched it until it stopped bleeding. It must be because I had that cold and my nose got tender from it. I have no other explanation.

I switched four plants around in the living room and changed the pots of some of them too. The prayer plant was dying because I had over watered it. I took it out of the pot it was in, because I could never check the water level well, and put it in an enamel bowl on the plant stand. I put the fig plant where the prayer plant used to be and took off the dead leaves and saw where there were new leaves growing. I put the plant with the dainty leaves, that used to be on the plant stand, in a big pot and placed it on the coffee table where there is a lot of room for it. I cut off all the straggly ends. Then I took one of the philodendrons and moved it from the little cabinet to the dresser where the fig plant used to be. Neither one of the philodendrons is doing well and I really need to go to the flower shop and buy two new plants.

I dusted the dining table, but after I moved all those plants, I realized that I needed to dust everywhere, but I'm out of Pledge and I want to buy a new can of it and dust properly. I love the way it smells and picks up dust and makes things shine. You don't get that with a damp cloth. So Pledge is on my shopping list.

Because Tyke is always looking out the living room windows, they are completely smudged by his wet nose. I will have to get the window cleaner out and clean those portions of the windows. It will be a never ending job, but I can get it from becoming completely out of hand. I probably should just do it once a day as a rule.

Alright, that's enough rambling. I'm going to do laundry now. It's about time that somebody does. It's piled high in the basket. I would check all the pockets if I knew there was a chance of finding money. I will only find dog poop baggies and tissues.

Ciao,
Nora

Spontaneity!

I did sleep well last night. I went to sleep early and had the sound of the TV turned down so low that I could hardly hear it, so I basically looked at the moving images until my eyes closed and I was gone. When I woke up this morning peace reigned until I started moving around and Tyke decided to assert himself by barking at Toby, who doesn't give a hoot. He then chased Gandhi around the apartment for a bit and finally settled down again to sleep some more by my feet where he is now. I would say that I'm properly awake after all that. I don't think I'm supposed to have many dull moments in my day anymore.

I'm drinking my second cup of coffee now. Yesterday evening I had to go to my sister to borrow milk, because I was all out of it and I can't drink my coffee without milk. We will probably go food shopping today. I'll have to check and see how healthy my bank account balance is. It's best not to live in complete ignorance of that, although it would be nice to assume there's always enough money there (I just checked my balance, it is healthy).

At 8:30 Tyke and I will walk to the tobacconist for our morning constitution. It will be a hurry up and stop expedition, because that's how Tyke moves through the world. He behaves alright in the shop itself, but I keep him on a short leash. I'm sure he would get into everything given the chance and tear the wrappers of the candy bars that are so invitingly displayed at the front of the counter.

I have to do paperwork that is stacked up on the dining table and first sort out the important stuff from the things that can be tossed out or filed away. It will probably leave me with very little that I actually have to do anything about. The dining table has become a catch all for all things, because it's the one place that Tyke can't get to. As long as the chairs aren't pulled out anyway. It's where I keep everything that needs to be handy and within easy reach. I used to be able to lay things on the coffee table, but that's not possible anymore. I was so used to Jesker who ignored everything around him unless it was food and even then he wouldn't touch it unless you gave it to him. He would just sit and look at it. Tyke's not the least bit like that yet.

I have to do laundry, but oh, when do I not need to do laundry? It's an ongoing project. I think my laundry multiplies in the basket. I used to enjoy doing laundry, but lately I've been completely turned off by it. Now it's a job I have to force myself to do. I have to talk myself into it. I think I really want a tumble dryer. I know that would be decadent, but it would make my life so much easier.

It's cloudy and 3C outside. It's going to be cloudy and 7C today, but no rain is expected yet. I suspect that weather wise, it will be a dull day today. It doesn't look like we're going to see any sunshine. What's a day without sunshine? Surely we need our vitamin D?

It's slowly becoming time to get the show on the road. I have to take my medicines and eat breakfast and feed Tyke his. Another cup of coffee would taste nice. I have to wash my hair, because I can't do a thing with it. I think it's time to call the hairdresser. Oh, they're not open on Mondays. I have to find a clean sweater to wear because I spilled food on the one I was wearing. I like big sweaters that hide a lot.

Have yourselves a good day. Mondays never seem that good, do they?

Ciao,
Nora

Improvement.

Jesker slept a lot today and I thought it was going to be a repeat of yesterday. I napped on the sofa beside him and woke up every once in a while to check on him. Suddenly he got up and drank a lot of water, so I took him by his collar and guided him out back to do a piddle. He was so weak that he didn't even lift his leg and went straight back to sleep. Some time later he started walking around a bit and I thought that was the perfect opportunity to put him on the leash and take him to the edge of the field for a poop, which he had not done in three days. We very slowly zigzagged over there and he did do a poop and we walked back home again, so it was a very tiny outing, but it was an outing nevertheless and when we were inside he went straight to his water bowl and drank more water. I tried to give him his pill wrapped in a slice of salami, but I've been unsuccessful so far. He refuses to eat and spits out everything I shove down his throat (I just tried it again and was successful). He's losing weight, but he can stand it, because he was overweight, so I'm not too concerned about that yet.

So, there was a little improvement today, although he's gone straight back to sleep again. His breathing is not as labored, so that is good. He's paying a bit more attention to his surroundings and the cats. He grumbles at them, like he's always done.

I feel that I can breathe a little easier and get on with normal life again, almost. We're not out of the woods yet. I do want him to start eating again and to be able to walk a little distance. I will take him back to the vet on Wednesday, when he is done with his antibiotics, unless there is a major improvement.

There are things that I need to do that I have been putting off and that I need to get around to now. It's back in the saddle for me. Enough of this loafing about in this half asleep state. Back to work.

The first things I have to do is get some packages ready to send and fill in some important documents. Oh, ho hum, when not in the mood, you have to make yourself.

Ciao,
Nora

Slightly funky!

I'm feeling slightly funky, as if I'm a diva wearing a new costume and I need to go out on the town and show myself to as many admiring people as I can and have them trip all over themselves as they try to get as close to me as possible, while they bask in the glory that is me, the queen of the night. Oh hallelujah, wouldn't it be great? The other option is that I sit here and bask in my own limelight that is the desk lamp and enjoy my own good company and keep the secret of my greatness to myself and don't divulge a word of it to the world at large, but only to you, dear readers, who will keep the secret with me and not call the paparazzi for whatever amount of money.

A woman of a certain age needs her dreams and wants to pretend she's like Bette Midler and quite glamorous from the top of her head down to her very toes. Or she could even be as ageless as Cher and be in a permanent state of undress and still not look naked. Either way, right now I need to think that I'm a diva and that I'm sitting here in my diva clothes with my cigarette in a fashionable holder, drinking a very dry martini from a delicately cut glass and I'm about to have the night of my life. What I actually do, once my soap bell has been busted, is irrelevant, because I can make this moment last forever. I'll pretend I'm between engagements now.

Instead of having that dry martini, I'm having a cup of coffee and it tastes mighty fine too. That must be because I'm drinking it from a mug that came all the way from Italy. It gives it something extra. A Mediterranean flavor. I could be drinking it from a mug all the way from Japan, but it is in the dirty dishes and divas don't do dishes. At least not at this time of the day. This is when they have their fantasies. I'd like to pretend, by the way, that I'm wearing fish net stockings and long black high heeled boots, or do you think that's too vulgar?

This morning, after I braved the cold in my regular clothes without a jacket on and hung up the laundry to dry outside, I got on my bike and rode it through the snowy, slushy streets to the little post office. There I mailed the ten books and bought stamps for inside the country, for inside Europe and for outside Europe. The cost of sending the books and the cost of the stamps took almost all the cash I had left in my wallet and left me with one Euro and some change to buy filter tubes with. I considered myself very lucky, because it would have been highly embarrassing to stand there without enough money.

When I got home, I called my contact person at Social Services to find out if there was a special reason why my money was not yet in my bank account and he said that, no, there was no reason at all, I had not done anything wrong, and it should show up any minute. That was a relief, because I thought maybe I was being penalized for not keeping my appointment with him and changing it to a later date. You never know how these government agencies work. There are all sorts of mysterious rules.

Then I opened the blue envelope from the Tax Office and saw the amount of income tax they wanted me to pay for 2008 and I thought, "I don't have that money!" So, I got on the phone and talked to a very nice woman who said that they would give me 6 weeks plus 4 months to pay off the amount. That was not as reasonable as I had hoped, but it was something anyway and I will just have to live on bread and water for that time.

I checked my bank account again and saw that the money was there, so I immediately paid some bills, including the one for the taxes. I hate to have that hanging over my head. I'd rather know how poor I am at the beginning of the coming month, so I know what I can spend at the store. There's no sense in hanging on to money that really isn't yours anyway. It just gives you a false sense of security. While I was hanging out in my bank account on line, my balance suddenly got higher and that was because my rent and health insurance subsidies came in and I was happy to see that my health insurance subsidy had increased, because my insurance had gotten more expensive too. Sometimes things do actually work well. I keep looking at the bright side of things. Miss Pollyanna I am. I see a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.

Time to file the paperwork in a three ring binder that's getting awfully full and that will need replacing with a new one. Or rather, I will have to start a new one in January and get new tab sheets and start filing things for 2010. Everybody is increasing their rates and nobody asks you if you can afford it. All the extra costs get passed on to the customers and we gleefully sit by and watch and can't do a thing about it.

Of course, if I were a true diva, I would have a financial manager who would make a mess of things and leave me broke with himself with a large bank account on the Bahamas. This diva is managing her own small fortune herself. It is a little bitty mini fortune, courtesy of the state.

There's a time to be sad and worried and there's a time to not give a hoot and right now I don't care. I'm not going to worry about a bloody thing and just pull up my shoulders and say, "So what?" You can run around in circles and try to get it all right and perfect and the way everybody wants it to be and after that you just have to walk away from it and say you've done your best. And blow many raspberries!

Where was I going with this fantasy anyway? I think I need to blow some new soap bubbles. I think as an encore I will sweep the living room floor, because there are a few drifts of dog hair floating around. I hope I can manage that in my high heeled boots. I may have to get out of these drag queen clothes and put on something sensible and middle aged. Socks and slippers, for instance. That's okay, I was having a bad hair day anyway from wearing that woolly hat all the time. You can't go out on the town when your hair is statically electrified to your head.

In the meantime, I've got to find some work to do. I need to be sensibly occupied. I'm sure if I look around here, I will find a job or two to do. There no shortage of cleaning up to do. There is a shortage of bright light, what with all the energy saving bulbs. I must find a solution for that. Maybe buy bigger bulbs. It does make things a little dim in here and I may miss some of the dirt. Other people would wait for daylight, but I must find something to pour my spare energy into and I'm not going to the disco, I don't think they're open on a Monday night.

It never did rain today and the snow is still here and now the prediction for rain that was up there earlier for tomorrow is gone. Now we have no clouds and moonshine. I wonder how my laundry is doing outside. I may have to bring it inside if my other laundry on the drying rack is dry. At least that will be a job I can do. Oh good! Never did a housewife get so excited about laundry, but that is because it means clean clothes for me to wear and I'm all for having a large choice of them.

Right, this diva is returning to her regular housewife status, but don't think I'm really a regular housewife, because I'm not. I'm wearing Turkish pants and how many housewives do you know outside Turkey who do? It's been a treat to pass the time with you, but I really must go do something sensible now. I only wish it weren't so cold and dark by the clothesline.

Have a good evening, do all the things I would do and then some.

Ciao,
Nora

Wednesday in the morning.

Well, I managed to sleep through the night. It wasn't a super long night, but I did it anyway. I went to sleep at 12:30 am and woke up at 6 am. That was after I had fallen asleep on the sofa for a few hours in the evening, which I had promised myself I wouldn't do, but did anyway. The urge to sleep was stronger than the urge to stay awake. Now I am still yawning, but I think a few cups of strong coffee will take care of that.

Yesterday was another blustery, rainy day, although it was not as bad as the day before, and I decided not to go out on my bike at all. That meant I did no grocery shopping and I had to make do with what was in the kitchen cupboards. Luckily, there was enough there to eat and there even was enough dog and cat food, so we managed fine, but today I really have to go to the grocery store, otherwise we will be eating dry vermicelli.

I cleaned up that cubicle in the bookcase I had talked about earlier to make room for the latest mooched books. There was a big stack of paperwork lying there that I had to sort through and decide about what to keep and file away in a folder and what to toss out. So I did that and found some interesting bits of paper that I filed away that I had forgotten about. Now I know I've got them and where they are. I think the covenant of my divorce is very important, for example. I knew it was there, but I had never put it in a proper place. A lot of that stuff could be tossed out, though, as it was obsolete, meaning it was interesting a year ago, but not now. I put the books in the cubicle and they nearly filled it up, so soon I will have to reorganize another one, because I have 15 more books coming. Oh, but it's nothing but fun and all for a good cause.

Then I did a week's worth of dishes. Yes really, I didn't have a clean teaspoon left over, nor a clean coffee cup. I do let that go, you know? I keep stacking them up, until I realize they need to be washed and then I put them all in the sink to soak in hot sudsy water, but the plug of the sink doesn't fit well and very slowly the water leaks out, until I am left with an empty sink full of dishes. Then I think, "Oh, the heck with it!" and I put it off until the next day, except that everything seems so chaotic and I get discouraged from looking at them and another day gets wasted. I feel ten feet tall when I get them done and you would think I had washed enough dishes for an orphanage, when in reality it amounts to hardly anything. That's why I think I need a dishwasher. All those who agree raise their hand.

I'm trying to get some things better organized in the apartment, like the chest of drawers in the living room in which everything gets shoved that doesn't have a home. I need to go through them again and toss things out, and doesn't everybody have a junk drawer that is an absolute mystery to them as to what exactly the contents are? I know I have candles and mousetraps in mine, amongst other things and god only knows what else and I think I'm going to keep it that way and never really clean it up. I would just have to start another junk drawer with all the junk I'd find. Well, I'm not planning on moving any time soon, so I don't have to worry about boxing up my junk and having to find a new space for it.

Now I have to get the show on the road. It's time to get dressed and walk the dog. I have to go to creative therapy. I mustn't miss it. I have a busy day ahead of me. I'm not sure how much I like that. It's the riding my bike part that I don't like. Not in this weather.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

A nice cup of tea.

I'm having myself a nice cup of tea. Gold Tea from the triangular bag, and a few spoons of sugar in it. I was just outside with the dog and a cup of hot tea sounded like just the thing to heat up my cold body again. I need the sugar for my sluggish brain, of course. It must wake up and function properly after that nice nap I took late this afternoon. The tea is very good, but I need to make it hotter the next time so it will brew better. I will do that with the next cup.

Nothing exciting at all has happened today. The repairman came and I have heat and hot water again and that is very nice, but it isn't very exciting. I've let the day slip away from me. I filed my income taxes for 2008 on line and it was only a little bit complicated, and I checked my bank account balance to see that I was almost broke. That was not a nice surprise, but saved me the embarrassment of standing by the cash register in the grocery store with not enough money to pay for the groceries. A loan from my sister provided the solution and I will go shopping tomorrow.

I will have to cut down on the amount of books I send each month through Bookmooch, although right now I am in popular demand and stagger my books over monthly shipments as much as possible. So far I've given 21 books and I have to send 22, but I have to make different arrangements for some of them. I have mooched 46 books and am expecting 21 more. I am working on the 4th cubbyhole in my bookcase and they fill up rapidly. I didn't think that I would get so hooked on mooching books, but I am and I get real greedy when I see books that are on my wish list that are available. The only way to get books, is by giving books, although you always get more than you give. I just got the shipment ready for November and will send those off on the 22nd.

Mmm...that second cup of tea is just perfect. I let the water get hotter and let the teabag steep in it for a long time.I forgot how nice a cup of tea can be, especially in the evening. It warms you up and is so soothing. I also have rooibos tea and I will have that next. Actually, what I need now is a nice chocolate bar, but I'm unwilling to go to the store to buy it. I won't sacrifice that much for it. Going out in the cold and dark on my bike, I don't think so.

In order to free a cubbyhole in my bookcase, I have to straighten out some of my administration. I have miscellaneous papers laying there that either need to be filed or tossed out. So that's a little job that I will do this evening or tomorrow. They are the kind of papers I'm not sure of what to do with and I don't know if they need to be saved or what. Just to be on the safe side, I will save most of them, I think. I may come to regret it if I toss them out. I will get the old punch hole out and file them in a two ring folder.

If I'm smart, I'll wash my hair first before I do that, because it's kind of unruly right now and I don't want unruly hair. It's got too much hairspray in it, that's why. It's got kinks in it from me lying on it. I'll also put my pajamas on, so I'll be all ready for bed when the time comes. Then all I need to do is jump in the shower real quick in the morning before I go to creative therapy. Well, I better not jump. I may slip and break my neck.

I thought I was out of dog food and was ready to cook rice and bouillon for the dog, but then I found a can of dog food and he got lucky. I had the dried kind, but he pretends he doesn't eat that. I have a whole bag full of the stuff and Jesker refuses to eat it even though it's supposed to be good for him. He is a spoiled dog.

I'm awfully hungry myself and must scrounge around the kitchen for something edible. I'm sure I'll come up with something. I've been known to eat jars of jam. Maybe there is some chocolate powder left to make hot chocolate with. That sounds like a good idea.

Well, adios my friends, I'm off to wash my hair and to sort my paperwork. Have a good night or a good rest of the day. I'm hoping for a nice long night of sleep.

Ciao,
Nora

A long night.

I have been up since 2 AM. I had all these little worries on my mind that nagged at me like so many mosquitoes swarming around my head and I could not slap them away for fear of hurting myself.

So, I got up and made myself some coffee and went to my page at 6S and wrote a post there and then read a bunch of blog entries by other people, which was a pleasant way to spend the very early hours of the night.

It is now 5 AM and slowly becoming morning. I am ready for a brand new day. Yesterday was not a good day for me, whereas I usually see the glass half full or filled to the top, I saw the glass half empty or damn well drained to the bottom yesterday.

This morning I have an appointment with my SPN and I can talk about this sudden change in attitude and what makes me suddenly stand at the edge of a deep dark hole that I'm trying to avert my eyes from.

Yesterday morning I was struck by anxiety and it became a free floating anxiety that attached itself to everything I did and made it difficult to function well. At the end of the day, I was so stressed out that I could not see my way clear of things and became rather desperate and had a good cry. It didn't quite clear the air, but I know what to do in order to fix the problem. I wrote my SPN an email and hopefully she will have read it before she sees me this morning.

I don't feel this way very often, although feeling anxious used to be a way of life and it fits me like an old comfortable coat. I don't want to wear it anymore, though, and want to throw it away. I know now what it feels like to live without anxiety and, believe me, I prefer that state of mind a hundred fold.

In creative therapy I am working on two collages at a time. I feel pressed for time and trying to accomplish as much as I can. I have cut out all the best images and texts from the art magazines that I had and stuck them in a big envelope. I am working as quickly as I can. On Friday I will add texture to two collages and start a third and maybe a fourth. I am like a mad woman. Nothing can stop me. Fear is driving me onward. Fear of loosing my place.

I must try to relax.

Yesterday afternoon I did a bunch of administrative work. I need to do a lot of paperwork to be exempted from paying city taxes. Today I have to make copies of umpteen pieces of paper to proof all sorts of things and then send them in with the properly filled out form. No mistakes are tolerated. They're very strict.

Well, that's really all I've got to tell for right now. Depending on how things are, I will write more later today.

Ciao...