I've spent the weekend trying to live in the moment and it was at times a great success, but mostly very difficult. I had to constantly pull myself back to the moment I found myself in and remind myself not to get lost in all sorts of reveries about things to come and things that were of the past.
It amazed me what my mind kept itself so fanatically busy with. It was as if it never took a break. It was always going over what had already passed the revue a hundred times or it was busy planning what had to be done and could absolutely not be forgot. Very seldom, unless I very consciously directed it, was my mind attentive to the moment I was in and the very thing that was taking place then.
But sometimes I did manage it and a great feeling of peacefulness and happiness would settle over me. So I did have those moments and I know that it can be achieved with enough practice if you keep redirecting yourself to the task. I think you have to be very vigilant and not give up on yourself, but keep jerking yourself back to the moment whenever you start to get lost in a useless 'let's ponder that over' session.
Another thing I've been doing is asking myself the question very frequently of who's in charge here and who's motivating my actions. I try to get that to be my sensible adult and if it's not, I question who the hell it is instead. I find that very often I'm being boycotted in my daily life if my sensible adult is not in charge. Things just don't run very smoothly and in that case I'm my own worst enemy.
So, I've attempted to let my sensible adult do a lot of the living and taking care of things. She does a very competent job. She's definitely someone I can trust. I know she won't let me down.
All this talk of different entities makes me sound like I have multiple personalities, while I'm really just describing different aspects of my whole personality or even different kinds of behavior. I'm not split up into separate persons with separate identities. They are all me at different stages of my development. The sensible adult is the most healthy part of all of them and the one I most like to be in. It's the part of me that I can count on the most.
So, this weekend was mental health weekend and for the near future my mental health will be the main feature in my life. And it won't be because I will be talking about it, but because I will be actively doing something about it. I won't just be passively complaining, which I think was a habit I had gotten into.
I did do other things this weekend. The World Championships Athletics were on TV and I watched a lot of that. I'm very fond of athletics and like to watch all the different events, but especially the running and jumping because that's what I used to do and what my daughter did. Watching those events brings back many memories and makes me want have have a young, strong body and do it all over again.
Because my sensible adult was present so often, I got a lot of my chores done. I did reward myself with a lot of times out, but whenever I had the courage again I got something else done. The jobs I most hated and always used to put off, I now did with much more ease. Even those dreaded dishes. What helped was to stay in the moment and to pay attention to the specific job I was doing and nothing else.
Today's a busy day with my personal helper coming and the domestic help and an appointment with my psychiatrist. I suppose you'll all know who's going to be in charge here.
Have a good day.