Behaving myself...

I'm to the point now that I can't imagine living with other people. I'm so set in my ways and so used to solitude and silence that it would bother me to give it up. I find the greatest peace and quiet in my own company and I can only stand to share my space with the animals. Having other people around for any length of time would definitely cramp my style.

This maybe makes me sound like a misanthrope, but I'm not an unkind person. I'm easy to get along with as long as I don't have to have a real close relationship with anybody. I do keep a certain amount of distance always. I don't want anyone to sit on top of me emotionally. I'm uncomfortable if a relationship becomes too close. I need lots of breathing space and to feel free. 

Time by myself is what I treasure most. If I fill that with nothing but sitting in my armchair and enjoying the sound of silence, then that's all the better. It's what gives me the peaceful feeling. I realize now that I can't live with anyone else. It's my own company that I enjoy the most. 

I've had a most pleasant day, but I can't say that I've done anything specific with it. What I do know is that the overall feeling was one of peacefulness and that's the most important thing. At not one point did I feel stressed. If I can achieve that, I feel very lucky indeed and whatever the magic formula is, I want to keep applying it. I want to repeat this kind of a day as many times as I can.

I don't think I want another person in my life to complicate that. It's much easier to work out the magic ingredients if you are on your own. It's fairly smple to calculate in a dog and a cat. That's not a problem. Besides, they provide the necessary humor and love. And I do know that another person would bring out the worst in me, at least the person I would end up with. I haven't been able to pick the right one yet. 

So it's with a feeling of satisfaction that I look forward to the end of the day. I can rest easily and be content. It was a day to be happy about. Not all days go that well, but it's what I strive for and I'm very glad when I succeed. 

Ciao,
Irene

Very sleepy...

I'm sitting here with a cup of coffee because I need it desperately. I was yawning my head off because I was really in need of a nap but I didn't want to give into the yearning. I know what the problem is. I was up too long during the night and didn't get enough sleep. That's not all that unusual. I have been known to do that before. 

Of course, now we've set the clocks ahead one hour and I'm losing out on time anyway. Not that I mind it. I like gaining the extra hour of daylight in the evening but the day is a bit shorter. I hadn't quite counted on that. It upsets my schedule just a little bit. I took my medicines too late today as it was anyway. Now I'm trying to get back to normal with that.

It doesn't bother me not to take the extra anti-psychotic, but I also tried to decrease my tranquilizers and that didn't go so well. I believe I can't do both at the same time. That's too much to ask of myself and it will have to wait. There was a huge difference when I finally took the tranquilizer after not having taken it in the morning. I felt at ease soon afterwards and that was much better than how I had felt before. 

I mustn't try to do things all at once and in a hurry. It never works out well, but I'm always over eager. I want so much all at once. I think I have bright ideas, but they usually don't work out well. I should only do half of the things I think of. That's more than enough. 

I sat in my sister's garden in the sunshine this afternoon. We were sheltered from the wind because of the fences and it was pleasantly warm. I hadn't been to my sister's house in a long time and I felt a bit awkward. I didn't know what to talk about after such a long absence. It didn't make the heart grow fonder. I didn't stay for a long time and was happy to go home again and be in my own space. I do enjoy my own company the best after all. 

You don't choose your own family and although you may have a lot of things in common, these are not necessarily things you want to be confronted with. They are traits you may not like at all and not want to be reminded of. Maybe they are things you try to not do yourself. Irritating little behaviors that you are aware of and that you don't like about yourself that much. If you see them reflected back to you, it may bother you very much. They may not be things you want to be around for any length of time. 

Like I said, in the end I prefer my own company. I find it easiest just to be on my own and it is the least complicated way to exist. I do agree that everybody needs to be around other people now and then, but I don't think that needs to take up a huge amount of your time. I'm certainly not a social butterfly and get enough of my strokes through the social media and from seeing the odd person every so often. I'm comfortable with myself and I'm glad about that. I have an easy time living with myself. 

There's an element of being afraid to get hurt too, certainly. I think people are unpredictable and I don't like their behavior. A lot of people don't act rationally. They don't act as I expect them to and I find this unpredictability mind boggling. I don't know how to deal with it so I avoid it. It irritates me usually and I get hurt too if I let it. I do arm myself against it. 

I've said enough and I've got to walk the dog. There's still all kinds of daylight and lots of sunshine. There's no shortage of that. It will be a pleasure to go out there. 

I hope you'll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

A hill of beans...

I'm up enjoying my cups of coffee and not worrying about what time I have to get up in the morning because absolutely nobody is going to be here during the day. No personal helper and no domestic help. This is partly due to circumstances and partly due to the holidays. I'm not complaining because I don't mind having a day off. I'm sure I'll get through it just fine. There's always something to do. 

I'll make it up as I go along. I'm sure I'll manage to keep myself out of the worst trouble. What's a middle aged woman to do anyway when she's home all by herself? There aren't an awful lot of things that can go wrong. At the most I may indulge in a lot of television watching. I'll certainly watch a lot of news and be very well informed. I'll have my finger on the pulse. Ha!

I know I'll have to do whatever I can not to be bored and I'll have to spend a lot of time meditating to fill in the empty moments so I won't go mad. There will be lots of contemplating my navel in quiet solitude. That's one way to get through the day. Luckily, I'm good at that and I don't easily tire of that exercise. I do enjoy the peaceful feeling it affords me. It's good if you can tolerate your own company and don't feel like fleeing into the arms of the first available person. 

I'm drinking ice cold milk and I'm starting to yawn. Soon it will be time to go back to bed. I hope I sleep for a long time in the morning without too many intricate dreams. The best is dreamless sleeping. That way you wake up untroubled. 

I feel perfectly at ease now and ready for whatever lies ahead. I don't dread the coming day. I will face it like I've faced many others like it. Keeping myself safe and sound is the main objective. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

The quietude of the night...

At this moment of the night, I'm blissfully unaware of everything that goes on in the world, as opposed to the daytime when I'm regularly watching the news and staying up to date. There's something to be said for blissful unawareness, though I wouldn't want to be permanently stuck in this state. After a while, it would make me feel highly uncomfortable. 

I always want to know what those dratted politicians are up to. And the movers and shakers of this world that I'm part of. I may not be able to do much about it, but I will be well informed. I feel that I can guard myself against any calamity that hangs over our collective heads. More than one calamity hangs there now, so I feel I must be well guarded. I must not be caught unawares. 

For now I can relax and enjoy the uncomplicated nighttime. That's what the quiet solitude is good for. The darkness encapsulates me and makes me feel safe. No political monsters can get to me. All the Dutch ones ought to be asleep. As for the other ones, they are beyond my control. You will have to vote all of them out of office if you so please. Or start a revolution, as is being done in so many places around the world right now. 

I slept well enough for a long enough time. I went to bed early and was asleep in no time. This has to do with the fact that I'm mostly not interested in what's on TV at night. I couldn't care less about most of it. It absolutely makes no difference if I watch those programs or not. It won't make me a better person if I do. I won't be better educated or better informed. It might help if I switched channels more, but I'm too incurious to do that. Let's face it, I'm just not a good TV watcher and nobody should depend on me for the ratings. 

It was a nice enough day yesterday. The weather was still warm, although I'm more than ready for it not to be and look forward to it cooling off, which it will start to today. Then it will be possible to wear some decent clothes again and to dress properly. I do look forward to wearing warmer clothes and can't wait to pull something substantial out of my closet. I do have all these clothes to choose from and I don't want them to go to waste. Although doubtlessly they won't once it is cold enough for a longer time.

The leaves on the trees are changing colors rapidly and they are dropping off quickly too. The sidewalks and gutters are covered in them. It's a lot of fun to walk through them with as much noise as possible. The dog likes the piles of leaves too. He thinks something is hidden in them. I have the hardest time pulling him away from them. 

I've decided not to go to Specsavers for my new glasses, but to go to the optician that my sister went to. I think they have a better selection of frames to choose from and I want something that's not so ordinary. I called my health insurance company to find out how much they reimbursed and it turned out to be a pittance and that is even with the additional package of insurance that I have. I was much disappointed and sorry to find out that everything is costing more money now no matter how well insured you think you are. Needless to say, I'm dropping the additional package at the first opportunity I get. I've got better uses for my money. 

I made an appointment to have the dog's fur trimmed because it is getting a bit long and I do want to get it done before it gets too cold. He always shivers afterwards and I want him to be able to grow some of it back before it becomes winter. I won't have him trimmed again until it's springtime. I don't want the poor thing to suffer from the cold.

That about sums it up for me. I've got to think about going back to bed for a while. I'm expecting the Exfactor later this morning who will do the groceries for me. I've run out of cheese and I'm definitely getting some more of that. It was a nice addition to my diet. The dog and I enjoyed it both. He gets the last bite. 

I hope you'll all have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Conflicting messages...

I had to make myself a cup of coffee because as I sat here reading blogs and leaving comments, my eyes started to fall shut. It was not my intention to go to sleep at this time of the evening because it is way too early. I've got to wait a couple of hours before it's time to go to bed. 

The coffee is perking me up and with another cup I should be alright again and I won't be in danger of falling asleep. I can postpone putting on my pajamas and bathrobe and stay dressed like an ordinary person a while longer. If I put my pajamas on now, there will be too much temptation to go to bed early. I'm trying to prevent that. 

I've still got three chores to do before I call it quits for the evening. They will be done in no time at all because they are fairly simple ones. I've done the most complicated ones yesterday. It's nice to save the easy ones for Sundays. 

I must try to remember that for future weekends in case I'm ever tempted to put anything off until the last minute. I will remember that I like this system much better and that it pays to do the majority of the work on Saturdays. 

But now that I'm taking my tranquilizers during the day, I'm not intimidated by the chores anymore and don't have to put them off until the last minute. I just do them because I no longer feel the stress that I used to feel in anticipation. 

The tranquilizers reduce my stress levels and the coffee screws my head on straight. It's a great combination. One does not eliminate the working of the other and I'm no longer sleepy headed. I can now stay up and watch the news while still being very calm. 

The best thing is that I again enjoy my own company and don't mind being alone. Solitariness is now a very welcome thing, as long as the dog and the cat are around. I don't have to have long conversations and don't have much to say anyway. Whatever I have to say, I say here and that's enough. 

I really appreciate silence and solitude right now and can sit in my armchair for a long time without any noise or activity. I just enjoy the peace and quiet and the sense of being me without the stress.

I will now go and do my chores. I'm in the right frame of mind for them and it will feel good to have them done. 

I hope you'll all have a pleasant Sunday evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Turning into a cynic...

It's late at night and I'm having my usual cup of coffee, because I'm not at all worried about it keeping me awake. Coffee doesn't seem to have that effect on me. I've already slept or should I say, had my nighttime nap, and now I'll be awake for a while and sit here in the silence of the night all by my lonesome self. Well, I'm not quite lonely, because I do have the animals and that is supposed to relieve my solitary existence somewhat.

When I woke up, I had a revelation and I thought, "Why should I live this lonesome life, when what I want is to be part of a family and have a husband and children and grandchildren.?" I want to be a member of an intimate group of people who are related to me and with whom I have meaningful relationships. I want to undertake things, see the world, go to the theater, see films, go to museums, go out for dinner, travel, enjoy the finer things of life before I die. Know love and be loved.

At the same time I knew that these things would never happen and that I would have to accept my fate as it is and that's what turns me into a cynic, because I see people complaining about their lives who have a lot more than I have, yet they don't appreciate it while I try to make them feel better. I am a fool for doing so and I'm not going to do it anymore. From now on I won´t play Mother Theresa anymore, but be a tough broad, and not waste my emotions on other people´s so called miseries.

I feel that being a cynic is the only road open to me. I can´t be like my older sister who pretends to be one, but who in reality cares way too much and has her heart broken and is overly burdened. I´d rather not believe in all those emotions and extremes of feelings and trying to find mutual understanding and compassion. I´m actually quite disappointed, but don´t want that to get me down, so I choose the road of cynicism instead.

Being a cynic saves you from getting emotionally involved up to your ears. It prevents you from getting in too deep into other people´s seemingly unsolvable problems that they refuse to take care of themselves. It keeps you safe from an onslaught of emotions and drama that will pull you under as sure as the spring tide does. It makes you immune against pity parties and woe-is-me stories. It can save your mind, if your mind needs saving.

Nevertheless, I don´t feel that I´m living the life I´m supposed to live, which is so hollowed out and so bare of the basic necessities that I´m just eking out a minimum existence. I make myself happy with little things and teach myself to find some joy in them. I do this without anybody else´s help. I don´t continually live in a state of high drama. I´m not a victim. I´m not a martyr. I´m just somebody stating the reality of her situation. I could really get very down about this, but that is not what I choose for. I do try to concentrate on the half full glass.

Does a cynic concentrate on the half full glass or does he go find a bottle at all cost to fill his glass to the rim with? Selfishly? Yes, maybe he would do that. Self interest is at the heart of a cynic.

I´ve just had a tall glass of cold milk and I´m thinking of going back to bed after I´ve revealed myself so well to you. There should be a few more hours of sleep in me, although I´m not sleepy right now. It will be more out of a sense of responsibility that I go than anything else. I do have to get up in the morning and function.

Have a good morning when you get up.

Ciao,
Nora

Home on the range...

I kept my appointment yesterday at the psychiatric clinic for the enrollment in the different classes because I thought it might be very smart if I did considering my options. I met with the woman in charge and she was very nice and went over my application with me quickly and filled an additional questionnaire out with me. There was really no problem and everything went smoothly. I opted for the creative class and the musical class, although there are waiting lists for both, but I expected that and I'm willing to wait a while.

We stopped by one of the creative classes and I saw someone I knew from one of the creative therapy classes I used to go to and it was very nice to see a familiar face and maybe I will see more people I know. Everybody else in the class looked very normal so I may be worried for nothing at all. The whole process of signing up was pretty painless and no big deal at all. I don't know why I had been so concerned about it. Maybe it was the woman who put me at ease.

After I had done that and taken care of all the formalities, I rode my bike over to my younger sister's house because my older sister was there. She had arrived by train from the North and my younger sister had picked her up from the station at noontime. I had not seen my older sister in quite some time and it was good to see her and when the three of us were together, it was really funny to see the similarities in character in us. Our voices also sound very similar.

We spent the afternoon out on the patio being sisters and taking care of sister's business as sisters do. We straightened each other out and agreed and disagreed.

Late in the afternoon, we took my younger sister's dog to my place and walked the dogs because Tyke had been alone all afternoon. He sure was happy to see me. I think he thought I had abandoned him forever. Afterwards we went for dinner at my younger sister's house and I even managed to eat some spaghetti which I had not eaten in a long time and it was good.We sat at the table for a long time afterwards and talked. I think my older sister wanted to go paint the town red, but we didn't. We were good girls and went to bed on time. At least, I went home at a reasonable time and went to bed before midnight.

I've had some success at Bookmooch and people have mooched 4 books off me. That means I get to mooch quite a few books myself. I have to get the packages ready today and go to the post office. I'll do that this afternoon when I have some spare time.

As good as company is, it is also good to be alone and I am happy when I can be on my own in my own apartment in my own space. It's wonderful to have that time to yourself and to have no one around you. Your own company is the best in the end, that's what you always come home to. Of course, I share my space with the animals so I'm never truly alone, but I do like my alone time.

I've got to get the show on the road. I told my sisters that I'd be there early this morning to have coffee with them. I have to get dressed and walk Tyke and answer emails. I hope I have time to do all that.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Wasting my time again...

I'm sitting here wasting my time again while I should be at the grocery store shopping for the weekend. Do I care? Well, only a little bit, apparently not enough to change my mind and get the show on the road immediately. It's too cozy for that, because I'm still sitting here in my pajamas with the blinds closed and the desk lamp on and for all I care, the world outside doesn't exist yet. It's nice when you can do that, when you can just ignore life outside and pretend it doesn't concern you and that you can do what you want to do and and be in complete bliss. It won't last, of course. I will have to get dressed and walk the dog and go out and get the groceries, but for now, I don't care.

I was up for a little while early in the morning, but then I went back to bed and slept until 1 pm. The animals were there with me and sound asleep also. It was lovely to go back to bed and sleep some more, especially since I needed it, because as I sat behind the computer, I could feel myself getting drowsy and I knew I was not nearly done sleeping. There's nothing better than your comfortable bed to crawl into when you get drowsy and long for sleep. Well, that is as long as you have a good book to read to help you go to sleep with. 'Beachcombing' is becoming a more fascinating book as I get into it more and I think that I will finish it. I will even ignore the fact that the writer is a man pretending to be a woman.

I must make a grocery list and in my mind I've got one started already. I also must remember to go to the tobacco shop, because I'm making cigarettes with tobacco crumbs now and that is not very easy. They do have a tendency to either bunch up or slide out of the filter tube. It's very frustrating. I have milk left, but no porridge and I am almost out of fruit juice. Luckily, there's lots of food left for the dog, I don't have to haul any of that around with me, and there's plenty of cat food. That eases my job considerably. The milk alone is heavy enough to carry home with me.

It's my sister's birthday tomorrow and I ordered a book for her, which isn't going to be here on time, of course, because I've only found out about the author very recently. My sister likes English language novels the same as I do and reads them easily, so I ordered 'Christmas Letters' by Lee Smith over at Bol.com. It will come already wrapped up as a present. I was going to buy her a necklace, like I do every year, but then I reconsidered and thought she might enjoy this book.

Well, my dog is letting me know in no uncertain terms that he wants to go out now, so I better get dressed. I hope you'll all have a lovely day without rain.

Ciao,
Nora

Saturday evening.

I just walked the dog in watery, cold sunshine. The field was sopping wet from the rain we have had. The sidewalk is covered by yellow leaves and the gutters are full of them. Jesker likes to push his nose deep into the leaves and smell "god only knows what." As long as there's no bear trap hidden in it, I suppose I won't worry about it.

Toby had brought home the casing of a liverwurst and had hidden it under a cabinet. Of course, I forgot about it until Jesker found it and was planning on eating it. I had to stick my hand into his closely clenched mouth and try and get it out and he did not like it, I was stealing his found food! He growled at me dangerously, but I was not intimidated and got a hold of the casing and pulled it out. I do have to show him who's boss around here. He did look very disappointed when I threw it away, so I gave him a bone instead. After he finished eating it, he came over to me wagging his stumpy little tail to make sure we were still friends. Of course we were.

The Exfactor was here earlier and we had a long discussion about politics and music. We agree on the basic premises, but then part our ways, because the Exfactor is much more set in his ways than I am and is very much a black and white thinker, where as I move more into the gray areas and try to see the problems from both points of view. Although I definitely lean to the left sharply, the Exfactor leans to the left so sharply that he almost leans to the right again.

I am glad that I'm able to see the gray areas, because when I was married to him, and very much influenced by him, I didn't see the gray areas and very often felt myself driven into a corner when I had to voice an opinion. Now I can be more nuanced and give a different turn to what I state and leave room for another look at something that maybe I had not considered yet. I speak less in absolutes anymore and am less reactionary. The Exfactor is very reactionary and very convinced of himself and sticks to his principles even if that means that he has to disagree with himself.

It seems that our prime minister, who said he was not interested in the job of president of the European Union, has been strongly lobbying for the job all along, and the Exfactor was upset about that. He found that very disloyal and sneaky. I had to remind him that he doesn't even like our prime minister and would probably be glad to see the last of him, but he said it was a matter of principles. I said, "Let him get the job and let us have another prime minister," but then we got into a discussion about who that should be and we thought in horror of the possibilities. We're hoping that they'll choose a sensible woman and are keeping our fingers crossed.

Then we got into a discussion about music and the Exfactor mentioned that "nerve wrecking kind of jazz," and I was trying to figure out what kind he meant by that, because it sounded like the kind of jazz I like. I said that I didn't like "easy" jazz, but that I liked "complicated" jazz and if that was what he meant, and he said that he didn't like the kind in which they just made a lot of nervous sounding noise and beeps and bleeps and that he likes the jazz of the 60's, which I have to concede that I do also.

We talked about classical music, because he exclusively listens to a Belgian classical radio station and I asked him if they made any differentiation between the different kinds of classical music, because I don't like all classical music and you can't throw them into one pot just like that. I never did get a straight answer to that, but I get the feeling that he listens to anything, regardless of the style and era, as long as it's played by this station. I like baroque and opera choruses and especially anything by Johan Sebastian Bach or Mozart or Vivaldi. I don't care for most opera arias and romantic classical music. I find it too dramatic. I may be very conventional in my tastes, but I do have them and I'm very picky about them. I got the feeling that the Exfactor listened indiscriminately to anything that came under the header of classical music.

He started listening to this radio station when we were still together and sometimes he would listen to god awful music and I would ask him, "Do you really like that?" And he would concede that he didn't, but kept listening to it anyway.Needless to say, it was the favorite radio station of the woman he was having an affair with and who is now his girlfriend, so you see how easily he is influenced by the women in his life. Sometimes this radio station plays jazz and ethnic music and world music, which he all has to listen to, of course, so he is forced to undergo some different listening habits. I'm secretly having a lot of fun about this, because I can not imagine enduring music simply because someone I'm in love with listens to that station. Or having political opinions because the person I am with has certain attitudes that I have to share and I want them to love me so I agree with them.

I really, really like being my own person and having my own opinions about things and making up my own mind independently of anyone else. I draw my own conclusions and come to my own decisions without the interference of a person standing next to me declaring his point of view very loudly. Someone who is constantly commenting while you are trying to watch the news and trying to make up your own mind about what you hear and see. It's sheer liberation to be freed from that and to think in a liberated space where there is room for your own thoughts that otherwise would struggle to survive. I so very much do not believe in a "we as a couple believe this." I do believe in a free and independent believe system that's not influenced by others, but come about out of your own free will and independently gotten information.

Now, having said that, I believe the Exfactor is a really sweet person who always has the best intentions and wants to please people very much, and he always shows his best side to me, because isn't he always ready to help me, before I even ask for it? So, this isn't so much about the Exfactor, but about relationships in general and about how stifling they can be and how dis-empowering. There's always someone who very subtly or not so subtly, wants to press his world vision and life definition onto the relationship and have it be the only one that counts and the partner has to except it as his/her own.

No, being a solitary person is far preferable above being part of a 2 unit, confined and fabricated, dominated by one person, set of people.You have to be very mature and emotionally healthy to let the other person remain independent and wholesomely intact to be a successful and integral couple. I haven't seen enough proof of that to be a believer in it, but I'd be happy to be shown examples of it. I suppose you're all going to comment to me now that you and your partner are the exception to the rule, but I will be full of doubt. You will know best yourself and won't need to prove it to me.

Oh God. I'm on my soapbox again, aren't I? Sometimes I just have to spout my opinions all over the place. I can be so full of myself, it's ridiculous, but I hope it gives you something amusing to read. You can totally disagree with me, of course, Your experience may be quite different than mine. I am biased, not having had one successful relationship. I think I'm not cut out for them, or not yet anyway. Possibly I have a lot of growing up to do and I'm running like a train. Maybe when I'm done growing up, I will be willing to accept another person into my life in a very lose relationship. It can't be the least bit suffocating. I will not suffer the ties that bind me.

Right, I'm climbing off my soapbox now and tucking it under my arm and marching off with it into the night. It seems like it is very late, but it isn't at all. Still, I'm going to get my pajamas on and get cozy. There are always the sofa and the television to consider. A person can doze away there.

Have a good night or a good day, which ever one you want. It's a democracy, so you get to choose.

Ciao,
Nora

Compulsion.

Feeling constantly driven to write, I have to do it now again, although I wrote a post during the night that no one has responded to yet. It doesn't matter, I write for myself at this point. It's an exercise in being alive and aware and letting my brain work around the details of my life, small and insignificant as they are. Let's face it, I certainly don't live a life of high drama and adventure. I only have high drama when things don't go well and I hit one of my low points and extensively write about it. Adventure never happens in my life anymore, that's a thing of the past, when I was younger and more daring and didn't give a hoot about the consequences. The most adventurous thing I do nowadays is cross four lanes of busy traffic on my bicycle, or ride over cobblestoned streets at high speed because I just came off the incline of the bridge, Yes, I do have to squeeze the hand brakes a little bit then to not hit those absentminded pedestrians that wander into the street.

So anyway, high adventure there is not, but I can write about anything under the sun and make a story out of it. I can dramatize the lives of my dog and cats, if I want. I just took the dog out and I noticed that he is actually a bit of a shy dog, because he saw a window washer and watched him from afar and gave him a wide berth. I don't know how much the glaucoma is influencing his vision, and what he actually sees, but he doesn't like to be surprised and shies away from people who suddenly show up in his immediate surroundings. Of course, he doesn't hear them, which is something people don't understand, and they can make the nicest sounds in the world, but he doesn't know what in the world they are talking about and can only tell by body language what their intentions are. He's not much interested in other people or dogs when we are outside. He really doesn't care very much. It's different if they come into the apartment. He likes visitors and will make sure he gets a lot of attention, and so do the cats, so anybody who comes here has to like animals very much.They will be besieged by them.

Gandhi just escaped into the stairwell and went for a roam around to the very top. I left the front door open on a crack, because rather than chase her, I've found out that she comes back of her own accord and it really doesn't take her that long, because she is afraid that she will miss out on something here. Like when the dog will get his food. I just have to make sure that Toby also doesn't disappear in the meantime, but he will come back too, only he hasn't figured out how to push open the door to come back in and sits there on the doormat meowing mournfully. Sometimes they escape through the outside door, but they know how to make their way around the block into the little patio and back into the apartment through the cat flap. They do it in no time at all. Cats actually are pretty smart animals and have a great homing instinct.

Well, that's what I've got too. You should see me on the way back home from downtown. It's like I'm pulled by magnetic forces toward the apartment. I peddle that bike so quickly, even though I go slightly uphill the whole way. All I can think about is to be home again with Jesker and the cats and to be in my own cozy surroundings where I can do what I will and sit and smoke and drink coffee and be absolutely decadent and anti social, Not that I don't enjoy it to be in good company, but I always look forward to my alone time. I'm just the lonesome cowboy type. Yes, me and a campfire and a pot of coffee, I can picture it now. And my horse Trigger tied up to a tree.

I've got to go to the tobacconist. I'm down to my last crumbs of tobacco. I very rarely let my supply dwindle that low. I suppose I like to live dangerously every once in a while. I'm smoking my second to last cigarette and then all the tobacco will be gone. It takes me three minutes to ride my bike over to the tobacco shop and I have to remember to buy stamps as well, because I have to mail a birthday card to my daughter.

I'm off then. I'm going to ride my bike into the crispy afternoon in which the sun is shining. Have your selfs a nice day and I will do the same.

Ciao,
Nora

Another early morning...

I got up so early, that it was almost yesterday. That is because I fell asleep on the sofa last night while watching television, and dragging myself to bed at 11 pm, after I had taken my medicines, and going straight to sleep without even turning the light on to read my book. I'd say I got a lot of sleep and when I woke up in the middle of the night, there was no doubt about getting up and making a cup of coffee.

Needless to say, I didn't work on a collage, because after I had showered and eaten dinner, I just didn't have the energy or inspiration to start one. I slept instead on my weekend sleep schedule that's always out of synchronization with the rest of the week. That's the joy of living alone, that you can decide your own hours to be awake and to be active in, without bothering anyone else. The sound of me tapping on the keyboard used to wake the Exfactor up and I know it bothered him tremendously. Maybe as much as his snoring bothered me.

It's really funny how a person can be awake at the most unusual hours and perform as if it is the middle of the day and have her complete brain function without any problem. You would assume that there would be a sort of jet lag effect, but nothing could be further from the truth. When I wake up in the middle of the night, it only takes me a little while to get my wits about me and to be as sharp as a tack. I can easily do a number of tasks well and probably sit for exams as well, as if it was any time during the day. Providing I had studied for them.

I don't think there is much difference in my mood during the morning or the nighttime, but I am more awake and aware in the morning, or I should say, whenever I just get up. I'm usually full of excitement to start the day and I wonder what it will bring and it doesn't have to be anything big, but at night I am ready to start winding down and I get sleepy and tired and I don't want to start any big projects that require a lot of my attention, unless it is a weekend night and I stay up longer than usual.

I'm not grumpy at any time of the day so I am not specifically a morning or an evening person. I guess when it comes down to it, you could say that I'm a middle of the night person, or a wee hours of the morning person. That's when I'm happiest. I like being up when the rest of the world is still asleep, or so I imagine, and I don't hear anything outside yet. I like the darkness all around me that's only punctuated by the few lights that I have on, specifically the desk lamp that points at the keyboard. I feel like I'm in my own little world and that I'm the only person in it and I only share it with the dog and the cats occasionally.

I suppose I like being at the center of my own universe, where I feel safe and solitary and where complications seem very far away and other people's influence can not be felt. I feel invincible and cocooned inside a well lighted cave, where no other creatures live but those that I invite. It's dry and warm in there and I suppose I'm like a bear waking up from her winter sleep. Alert and aware, but safe and sound.

I don't like other people's complications in my life and I keep them at bay as much as possible. That is, when I became aware of this dislike. I used to be a good Samaritan and wanted to help out everybody, but somewhere along the line I learned a lesson not to do that and to not unnecessarily complicate my own life with the problems of other people. I am a good listener and a good advice giver and I do that often and freely, but I do keep my distance and don't pull other people deeply into my life with the idea that I'm going to rescue them from their fate. My help and involvement always end at my doorstep. Of course, in being a good Samaritan there was also a question of pride involved, to assume I knew better and had all the solutions, while I had the biggest mess in my own hands that I was blind to.

You often see that with people who over involve themselves with the lives of other people. Very often they have a mess on their own hands that they can't solve or are even consciously aware of and go around fixing other people's lives. Very often they project their own problems onto the other person and in reality try to solve their own problems through solving the other person's problems, but they are unaware of this.

Anyway, I sit here and let my mind wander from one random thought to the next and see where it will take me. It's almost like creative writing and I take the words as they come and hardly change them. Just like I do when I write for one of my writer's websites. It's a stream of consciousness writing, but the person who talks is the adult me, who is the one who creates. Which means it's not unabashed writing, but writing with a certain amount of control and inhibition, because writing without inhibition would be spilling the beans and I don't know if I'm up to that, although you may think I've spilled the beans already.

It's one thing to appear open and honest with your words, it's another to conceal all the things that you also could have said, but didn't for the sake of propriety. There are always lots of things left unsaid, that we will only say when we are mean old ladies who no longer worry about what impression we will make and who's feelings we are going to hurt. When flattery is an alien concept to us. My intention is to become such a mean old lady and I hope I make it.

Well, those are enough thoughts for today. I don't want to overwhelm you. I could go on and on, but to what purpose when you have zoned out?

I hope you'll all have a lovely day with sunshine on top of it. As an added extra.

Ciao,
Nora

Little old me...

I'm on my own again and enjoying it, even though I had a nice time with Joost here, but I do so like my time on my own and being able to sit behind the computer and catch up on all the blogs and leave comments, and also read my emails and answer those. I need my time to be able to do that and I certainly am not anti social enough to do that while I have company. A little bit of both is just enough. Some company to talk to and some computer time to get that out of my system. If I always could combine those two, my life would be perfect, well, near perfect. There's always a hitch somewhere.

Joost and I are perfect company for each other, because we are both low key people and on the quiet side and we both like serenity and predictability and not much excitement, so we always take it real easy when he is here and just enjoy our talks and each other's company and our walks with the dog. We don't need to do anything out of the ordinary to have a nice time. I think he appreciates the fact that I'm so mellow and the same goes for me about him and he helps me do the dishes...

It's also nice to be on my own again, because I do appreciate that also. Apart from the fact that I can sit behind the computer. I do need a certain amount of alone time, when all I have is my own company and I can fill my time how I see fit and I don't have to be attentive to someone else and all I hear is my own voice speak to the animals. I like a certain amount of absolute silence uninterrupted by anything, no music, no television, no radio, nothing, just silence. Well, the occasional snoring of the dog and the pitter patter of the cats that walk by on the linoleum and the sound that they make when they chew their kibbles ever so gently.

Those are little cozy sounds that comfort me and make me feel good and that all is well with the world for right now. Especially on a Sunday evening when everything seems to have come to a temporary pause before it becomes that busy Monday with all its responsibilities and worries.

I don't want to think about Monday yet and absolutely stay in this moment that I have here now. This peacefulness that exists now. The animals that are asleep and the quiet that is all around me. I haven't watched television all day and I have no idea what's going on in the world and for now I will leave it that way. It's better for my peace of mind if I don't know anything right now and concentrate on the very fact that I am sitting here typing this and trying to gather my thoughts while I listen to the dog snore.

It's good to read other people's blogs, because you are exposed to other people's ideas and thoughts or concerns or bits of happiness and it affects your viewpoint on humanity. It also gets you out of your own head and your own somewhat limited view on your little world and into the larger world of a bigger group of people. Each blog triggers something in your head, some sort of response, sometimes big and sometimes little and sometimes it's a memory of things that happened to you a long time ago. Not everything is important. A lot of times it doesn't really matter that much and what you read is just a passing amusement, but some things are big and make you think and stay with you.

I would say that my knowledge of human beings has grown quite a bit since I've started reading blogs. One thing I have realized, is how much alike we all are, and by that I mean especially the women, because I read mostly blogs written by women. We have so many of the same longings and likes and dislikes and emotional lives. That doesn't mean that we're not all unique and very special. We are not interchangeable, but in our cores we meet and recognize each other and it seems to me that we can be a huge support group for one another, because there is a lot of compassion out there, or maybe I'm just lucky and I meet the right people.

Of course, you have a tendency to gravitate toward certain blogs and the people who write them and you start to feel an affinity for them. I shy away from certain blogs, because I don't feel comfortable there. I feel out of place or out of my depth. There's a certain kind of ironic humor that I just can't handle, I'm too serious for that, although I like the occasional slapstick. I'm not sophisticated enough to handle constant wit and sarcasm and self deprecation. I want to waylay it.

What happened to my quiet, peaceful moment? I turned into a ponderous, thoughtful one. All for the sake of one remark. I must watch my words, because one thing leads to another.

Now I must go to bed, unfortunately, and I still have to take out the trash. Mustn't forget that!

Sleep tight, those who are about to go to bed, and those who aren't, have a great rest of the day.

Ciao...

Tuesday after an interesting day...

Well, I say it's been an interesting day, but don't get your hopes up too high, it was only a little bit interesting, a teeny tiny bit interesting in a very minimalistic way.

I woke up two minutes before 9 am when the alarm clock was set to go off, so that was good timing on my part and left me with an hour to wake up and make cigarettes while I drank coffee and smoked some. Then I got in a rush and got dressed and made up and walked the dog and medicated him and then, to make it really exciting, I had some more coffee, al the while looking at the clock to see how close I could cut it.

I got to therapy with five minutes to spare, but got me an espresso anyway and had that out on the deck where everybody else was congregating, because the weather was super nice. That made everybody late for their therapies, but what the heck, when the sun shines, it is hard to get us inside. Especially as I was standing in the dappled shade, which was very pleasant and is cast by a very tall birch tree.

I got my doodle out and some new paper and measured off an new rectangle with a border around it and lots of people kept saying how much they liked the one I did, making me feel a tiny bit bashful, but only a tiny bit. I like praise just as much as the next person.

This time I'm making my doodle right side up, I mean standing up on its short side and I'm letting some of the drawing stick out over the border, so it is not completely contained. It's going quickly this time, because I know what I'm doing, which is make a series of three similar doodles that I will hang up together over my bed.

I found a thicker black marker to fill in the darker areas, which is saving me some work. I was messing around with that thin black pen and it was very frustrating to color anything black.

Soon enough, it was time for our break and we spend our time either on the deck or in the break room, depending on what we have to discuss with each other. Sometimes we don't want the whole world to listen in and we separate ourselves from the crowd. We do that when we have serious discussions about what goes on in the group.

I asked to speak to the ergo therapist and was able to have a short discussion with her by ourselves. I unloaded myself about the past Wednesday and all the things that had bothered me about that one particular person in the group and I was the second person to do so, but we're not the only ones walking around with pent up feelings. Now we'll have to wait and see where the ship runs ashore.

The second half of creative therapy went fine. A huge amount of quiet always hangs in the room as everyone works on their project. We hardly speak and it is very pleasant to sit there in solitude and do your work. The time goes by very quickly, though, and before you know it, it is time to clean up.

When I got home, I called a florist in my home town to order a bouquet of flowers for my older sister whose birthday it is Friday. Then I walked the dog and payed a bill and saw that my bank balance is quickly dwindling, because my rent payment had been withdrawn. I am still waiting for my annual vacation money, because I have a big bill to pay and I can't pay it until the money gets here. I'll have to call about it tomorrow.

I also called for my gastric band. The obesitas specialist who has been taking care of me, has moved to a different hospital in another town and I tried to make an appointment with his replacement. It turns out that they don't really have a replacement for him yet, but that several surgeons are taking his place and since I'm calling about getting my gastric band filled, possibly, one of the surgeons is going to do a telephone consultation with me Thursday next week and set up an appointment to get the gastric band filled.

I've been drinking multi vitamin juice and warm low fat milk and eating raisin bread and I've lost two kilos since I've started complaining about my weight. That's something anyway. I want to loose a lot more before the phone call. I've got a good week left and a good goal. I think I can manage that. If I want to reach my end weight, I have to loose 12 kilos. That doesn't sound like such an unsurmountable task.

Which means that I will be talking about my weight a lot in this blog, like I did in the beginning when I first had my gastric band. I know that gets tedious, but it really helped me to make my progress public and I have been silent about it long enough out of shame. I now weigh 97.7 kilos and what I want to weigh is 85 kilos. At least, that's what the obesitas specialist said that I should realistically aim for. That would make me an American size 14, or a Dutch size 44, and I think that's not bad.

I was supposed to go grocery shopping today, but in the end I didn't have the energy or the wherewithal to go. I don't like to go shopping at the end of the day when I'm tired and not at my best. We'll have to make do with what's in the cupboards and the refrigerator. A little bit of imagination goes a long way.

It's amazing how quickly your stomach gets used to eating smaller amounts of food. Here I was stuffing myself with bowls of porridge and now I've done none of that for a number of days and I don't get that hungry feeling like I did before. A glass of juice or warm milk is very satisfying and gets me over that - 'wanting to have something good feeling.'

So, I've snapped out of the - 'stuffing my face period' and all because I went public with it on this blog. If you own up to things to your friends, you suddenly get a lot of common sense. It's when you do things secretly, that they hurt you the most.

It's been a warm sunny day with temperatures well into the 20's. You all know how to convert by now, don't you? Tomorrow it is going to be much colder and cloudy and I'll need to wear warmer clothes. I'll have to have a good look in my closet in a while to see what I can conjure up. I think I'll wear gray leggings and a black and white and gray summer dress with a long sleeved gray stretch T-shirt underneath and some interesting necklaces. I always count on my necklaces to finish the outfit. Boots or no boots? Mmm...

Well, that's all I wrote. I think it's enough. You can see my frame of mind is well enough today, so we'll compare it to tomorrow at 6 pm then. I'll probably be all beat up again, but I'll sleep well. Not that I'm not doing that now, of course.

Have a wonderful evening and I hope you all feel good inside your bodies, whatever shape they're in.

Ciao...

One of two choices.

I have one of two choices. I can sit here and wait for my head to hit the keyboard while I fall asleep, or I can wake myself up properly and write a post, or at least attempt it, because my head may still topple over and hit the keyboard, unless I make myself another strong mug of Senseo, mocha flavor.

I will attempt to write a post, while I also manage to keep a cat off my lap who was just about to put her claws into my lacy leggings and we can't have that. She keeps eyeballing me, waiting to make another move, but I've got her number. I'm watching her carefully from the corner of my eyes. She's disgusted with me and has now taken up position in front of the window to watch absolutely nothing happening in the street. That's an interesting maneuver.

I've met my new psychiatrist today. That was an interesting experience, as he turned out to be a quite young man. As a matter of fact, I think I am old enough to be his mother, but let me assure you that this does not bother me at all in my assessing his ability to be a good psychiatrist for me. He is a very kind and thoughtful man and he made a more than competent impression on me and I think I will be in good hands.

So far he has only known me through the enormous variety of pills he has prescribed for me and the information he got from my SPN, so it was good that he saw me face to face and realized that I was not some drugged up blathering idiot, but just an ordinary woman with her head relatively screwed on straight. This made him feel more comfortable with my drug regime and him prescribing it for me. Through this meeting he has given my SPN the okay to make decisions about my medications, should he not be available for some reason. That means he trusts us in knowing what I need at any given moment and that is good.

I have an appointment with him by myself on June the 2nd, because he wants to keep track of how I am doing, in spite of the fact that my SPN is my main therapist. I am reassured by that, because it shows interest and concern on his part and I appreciate that.

So, now I have two young people looking out for my mental health and they are both Belgian too. And you know what? I really feel good about it. I don't have the least worry that I am not in good hands.

So, that was my big adventure for today and I do really mean that a little bit, because I was just a teeny bit worried about it. A psychiatrist is a very important person in your life and it is important that you trust that person.

My sister and I took the dogs for a walk at noon and just for a change (ha, ha) I didn't have very much to say and I wondered why that was and decided that on some days you just don't feel the need to share so much of yourself. When you think, "Why bother?" and you just keep more or less quiet and then that's okay too. At least it was for me, I don't know how it was for my sister, but she always has something to talk about, so it doesn't matter so much.

Sometimes I have a great need to be quiet and to not share everything I am thinking, contrary to the impression you may have gotten from me through this blog. I think, nobody listens very well anyway, so why bother imparting all this precious information when you could write it down better in book form and have it printed and published and hand it out as a guide of yourself to other people. That way so much wouldn't have to be said anymore. You'd say, "Here, read this and then you'll know what I'm all about and then we can be friends and have a relationship." But it's bad when you have to do that with your own sister.

So, I'm very happy being in my own company right now, that is to say, as long as I can be in your company too. You're all there in some capacity too. As my silent witnesses. Well, actually, you're not that silent. You guys make quite a ruckus at times.

Okay, I'm off to feed the dog and to walk him. It never did become a very nice day today. It was cold and windy and overcast and it rained and tomorrow we'll have the same weather. Time to pull some different clothes out of the closet. There is a seemingly endless supply.

Here are some more photographs of the Exfactor.



Have a good rest of the day, all of you.

Ciao...