Monday, May 14, 2012

A thrill a minute...

That's not really true. I'm not having a thrill a minute at all but I wish I did, I'm ceratinly in the mood for it but since it's in the middle of the night, I wouldn't know how to get one. It felt like I was going to when the first cup of coffee worked its magic on me and the caffeine hit my system. I got a bit of a high out of it but I've since calmed down again. I'm back to business as usual and that's much more boring. I'm the only person I know who gets calmed down from a cup of coffee. 

The return to my regular dose of medication has left me very "normal" again and I do embrace that. My days and my moods have become predictable again and I feel good for the most part. There are no big surprises in how I will feel. On the scale of craziness, I'm not crazy anymore. I fall completely within the acceptable norms. This can be a little dull but it is less painful. Being on an emotional rollercoaster is a thrill but scary, especially when it isn't caused by outside events but simply because of your own state of mind. 

There's nothing like having the dull roar of peacefulness settle in your head so you can sit n silence and not be bothered by obtrusive and painfully penetrating thoughts that all vie for attention at the same time which all make you feel that you're a train wreck that's about to happen. You could actually become the causalty of your own thoughts and god forbid the very notion. You could end your life simply to prevent the onslaught of negative input that never seems to end and causes so much confusion.

The occasional highs you have are simply islands in the sea of turmoil that you land on for a brief time out. They are not very safe either because they give a fals impression of your reality. They don't reflect anything accurately. You feel that you've landed in a "normal" place but it is anything but. You can't really make any sort of sensible decision in this state of mind. You are just as deluded. Somehow you have to try and find the middle ground and decide on a course of action then. That's what will help you out of the mess. 

Those are my observations for the last few weeks. I can speak with hindsight now. Wisdom comes after the fact when everything has been said and done. Luckliy there were no casualties. Nobody was harmed in the gaining of this knowledge. Well, I did get metally beat up a little bit but it left no scars. 

I hope you're all having a good night.



Rob-bear said...

I'm happy to know that you're feeling a little more settled. And that there was no train wreck! That's important.

But, as you realize, we all pay a sometimes-terrible price for our sanity. The price being a life lived "completely within the acceptable norms."

Vincent struggled for his sanity — did some wonderful painting — but cut his life too short. A true train wreck. Too bad he couldn't have had just a bit more balance. Too bad some of us don't have a bit less balance. Just a bit, really.

CorvusCorax12 said...

glad your meds are working..i hope you have a equally good week