Thank goodness it's Friday again...

I'm sitting here very cozily with a glass of milk and the dog by my feet. It is already evening but the sun is still shining through the living room windows and it's nice and warm in here. I'm wearing my most summery clothes so I'm properly dressed.

I hope to get a bit of a tan every time I go out with the dog but I don't think I'm succeeding much. I won't look like a very sun kissed person anyway. I'll have to go sit outside for a real sun bath and I don't know if I have the patience for that. I think the only opportunity I'll get for it is when I sit in my sister's garden so I'll always have to be scantily dressed when I go there. 

The weather is supposed to stay good for the whole three day long weekend. It's Pentecost and we have Monday off also. It's about time that the weather turned nice because we've been very impatiently waiting for it to happen. People had been wanting to do their summer shopping but it just wasn't the right kind of weather for it. There's certainly been a change in that now and downtown is filled with shoppers wanting to spend their vacation allowances. 

I've been looking at which films play at the film theater and there's one I may be interested in that's been playing for quite a while. It's called "The best exotic Marigold Hotel." It got good reviews so I may try to go see it. I first am going to ask the Exfactor if he wants to go and then I'll ask my sister. She usually falls asleep halfway through a film so that's not much fun. The Exfactor is a better companion to go see a film with so I hope he'll come. 

The dog has been most adorable today from the moment I woke up and opened my eyes. He was there immediately to greet me as if he had been waiting for me to wake up. I guess he really wanted to start the day. Or he was just happy to see me and get a good cuddle. He's been very affectionate all day long and has spent much time sitting on my lap as if that's the most natural place to be. I guess if you still barely fit, it is not a bad place to sit. 

I have to go take him for his walk now and then watch the eight o'clock news. Those politicians are roughly manhandling all sorts of important issues and it does frustrate me. I have to stay well informed but I wonder how unbiased the news is. You must always stay critical.

Ciao,
Irene

Imagination...

I have to tell you that it's something I'm awfully short of right now despite the fact that I'm drinking coffee and am trying to perk up my mind. I'm working on my second cup but haven't reached that state of sharp wittedness yet that allows my imagination to run free. It's possible that I have too many cobwebs in my mind and that it's not going to happen today. I'm lacking that inner perkiness that would let it happen more naturally. 

All day long I have been in a minor mood. This despite the fact that today is a national holiday and a lot of people are out celebrating it. Maybe it is because I'm not that I am in a minor mood but there's no need to start analyzing that. I will leave that stone unturned. It's not necessary to do an archeological dig into my mind every time. Suffice it to say that I'm not in a celebratory mood.

Tomorrow normal life will start up again and we can all act like normal people again. The Belgians will have a holiday and populate downtown. But that will not be of concern to me. My life will return to its regular routine and that's all I care about. If I were part of a family unit, I might feel differently but since I am alone, I feel this way. The holidays are always harder to get through when you're not plural. 

I have to be honest with you and tell you that I've started smoking again. It proved to be too difficult to quit. I found it too hard to fill the empty hours without smoking cigarettes. It's how I get through the day and I have no other way to do it. I spend so much time in my own company and I alone am not enough. I could not stand to sit and do nothing. 

It is the only thing that gives me any kind of joy because I have no hobbies. That's the kind of dull person I've become. I'm not interested in anything but sitting in my armchair with a cup of coffee and a cigarette contemplating my navel. I can spend a lot of time doing that. I lead a very uninteresting life and I'm aware of that. Smoking cigarettes is what keeps me sane. 

Yesterday I had to make an emergency trip to the convenience shop at the gas station and buy tobacco. It's with an enormous sense of relief that I did. I felt that it was the best solution. How I'm going to handle it financially I don't know yet but I'll find a way. I'll eat less if it comes to that. 

The dog is sitting very patiently by my side and I'm pretty sure he wants to go for his outing. It is that time of the day again. The sun was shining all day but now it's become overcast. The weather is returning back to normal too. It was too good to last. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

Darn it...

My coffeemaker has completely given up the ghost. I was trying to make a pot of coffee but I waited for one in vain. It made an awful lot of noise and it looked like it was working as hard as it possibly could, but mostly some steam came out of the top. There was no hot water dripping into the filter  and no coffee dripping into the pot. 

I ran a bottle of vinegar through it, which I should have done a long time ago, but it was all to no avail. It is now just sitting there doing nothing at all but playing dead. I'm afraid I killed it through neglect and I'll have to carry it to its last resting place and buy a new one. 

Unfortunately, the stores are all closed now and there's not a coffeemaker to be gotten anywhere. That's the bad news. The good news is that I do have a jar of instant coffee and, although it doesn't taste very good, it does have caffeine in it and that is good enough for me. I do get some gratification out of it. 

It is through this minor miracle that I can sit here and be somewhat coherent and write this. It would be impossible otherwise. I did take a nap earlier and found out about the coffeemaker when I woke up and was shocked when I thought I wasn't going to be able to drink coffee. Luckily, I remembered that jar of instant coffee on the shelf in the kitchen. 

My first reaction was to call the Exfactor to have him, as if by a magic, pull a coffeemaker out of his sleeve. I thought if anyone knew where to get a coffeemaker it would be him. He didn't answer his telephone, however, and really, where would he have gotten one? The things I expect of him!

I hope my sister doesn't mind drinking instant coffee. The stores will be closed on Monday as well because it's another holdiday, so a new coffeemaker can't be bought until Tuesday. That's a long time to go without a decent cup of coffee. We'll have to try and get outselves invited somewhere else a lot.

The Exfactor and I did the groceries this afternoon when everybody else and their brother was doing them too. People had their shopping trolleys filled with groceries and there seemed to be no recession going on. I'm amazed at the money that is spent during the holidays. Maybe it's a good thing because it's good for the economy. I spent more than I usually do too. I'm a over consumer also. 

I also cleaned house and that was a lot of fun. I found out that the vacuum cleaner wasn't working properly and I fixed that. Apparently the domestic helps have been vacuuming at half power. I would have thought they'd let me know. It sure made a difference once I fixed it. There was a stoppage where the hose entered the vacuum cleaner.

I've got to take the dog for a walk into the moon filled night. I'm late, I've been distracted. 

Have a good evening all of you.

Ciao,

Irene

Feeling better...

I've been in the most god awful mood for the past three days, but this afternoon I got smart and took an extra pill and since then I've started feeling a lot better. I was about to call my psychiatrist or the crisis line because I was feeling so bad. I was being my own worst enemy and thought that everyone and everything else was too. How terribly frustrating that was, and so exhausting too. 

Now I feel like I am more myself again and that I'm capable of handling life as it happens. As long as nothing too complicated comes along, I should be okay. Luckily, the day is almost over and I don't expect anything out of the ordinary to happen. The evening should be pretty predictable and there is even going to be a thriller on TV. 

I've already walked the dog in the coolness of the late afternoon. It wasn't very warm today and it even looked like it was going to rain. That's how overcast and gloomy the sky got. Still, I only needed to wear my cardigan and I wasn't in the least uncomfortable. 

Tomorrow we're going to have some showers, but we've been having a lot of those lately and it's nothing new. Actually, we're all getting a little tired of them. I think we're all in need of more sunshine than we are getting now and many people are changing their minds and are booking last minute holidays to Spain anyway. 

You'd have to pay me a lot of money to get me to go there and sit on the beach with all those other sunburned bodies. That's not my idea of a perfect vacation. I do dislike crowds and would hate to hang out on the beach at the Costas or in a swimming pool at some overpopulated hotel. I would rather go to the countryside and to museums and churches and small towns in Italy, for instance. 

I can't go on vacation at all due to lack of money, but in my head and imagination I travel a lot. I've already been to a lot of places in the past, so I can remember them. I do have that. I don't know if I will ever travel again in the future, but I always have the vague assumption that I will. Maybe I will win the lottery one day.

It's nice if you don't confront reality too hard and leave something to the imagination, otherwise you get so desperate. It's better not to get too super realistic about things and leave them a little bit vague and not too sharply outlined in your mind. You always want to have a little bit of hope. 

I choose not to think too intently about the future. I like to leave it a little bit unknown and unclear, although I must say that at this rate it's pretty much predictable. The future is practically written out for me and I expect no real surprises. 

I get the distinct impression that the dog wants to go out again. He is sitting here beside me very impatiently. I think I'd better pay attention to his needs. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Without mentioning the obvious...

Right, where was I before I was so rudely interrupted by life? It feels like it's been a long time since I was here, while it has only really been two days. So, that's no time at all. You mustn't think that I've got anything special to share either, because I don't. There's been no excitement here at all.

The only things I've got to report is that yesterday was Remembrance Day and today is Liberation Day, but neither of these days make hardly any impact on my life at all, except that I observed two minutes of silence yesterday evening while watching the memorial ceremony on television. That was my contribution to the activities.

You mustn't think that I don't care, because I do. It's just that there's been no opportunity for me to join in on any of the festivities that are organized around town. I've been keeping to myself and you certainly don't seek out company when you keep to yourself. It's part of my agoraphobia. It wouldn't be so bad if I had someone to go with me. Maybe I have a social phobia. I was awfully shy when I was a kid. I hide it behind a lot of bravery now, but the shyness comes seeping out all over the place. I'm not at all a brave person, really.

My favorite thing to do in the afternoon is to take a nap. I wait for my medicines to start working and go to bed where I lie listening to the radio until I drift off for a few hours. I think it's the best time of the day. Any time spent sleeping is. It's the safest activity I can think of.  I wouldn't mind being asleep more often. Of course, you do get done sleeping at a certain point. You've just done enough of it and aren't tired anymore. That's the sad part of that.

I don't even like being awake in the middle of the night that much anymore. I'd rather be asleep, but I don't manage that yet. I was up last night and tried to write a post, but I wasn't able to do it. I wasn't in the right frame of mind and deleted everything I did try to write. They were all futile attempts. I don't think I have to be inspired every time I sit down to write. I think it's okay if sometimes nothing comes of it. I don't see it as a literary failure. 

I said I was rudely interrupted by life, but of course I'm not at all. Life doesn't interrupt me in the least. The only movements that happen in my existence are the unexpected ebbs and flows that suddenly appear because of the fickleness of my moods. They interrupt me, life doesn't at all. Life is a smooth pond in which now and then a ripple appears. It is something completely different from what happens in my psyche. 

I think I've written enough nonsense. It's time for me to walk the dog. He's sitting here looking longingly at me with his big brown eyes.

Have a good evening you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Living and breathing...

I just took the dog for a walk in the pleasant evening air. The sun was still shining and there was a bit of a breeze, but it was not cold. The air smelled of blossoming things and there was pollen floating in it. Lots of dandelions have gone to seed and the seed blows around in the wind all over the place like little umbrellas. We have an explosion of dandelions and they are three weeks early due to the good weather. They outnumber the daisies and we have a lot of them.

The dog was his usual stubborn self, refusing to move from some places and running to others and I'm at his whimsy because he is strong. He's a badly brought up dog and I owe it all to myself. I shouldn't make it sound so bad, mostly he moves along at a steady pace, but he does have his peculiarities. He does know how to pass trees and lamp posts at the correct side so the leash doesn't get caught around them. He does have his redeeming qualities. But the truth is that I'm not strict enough with him. 

I took a nap earlier this afternoon, no doubt due to the fact that I had not slept enough during the night. It was a very pleasant and peaceful nap, but I made the mistake of turning on the computer right when I woke up and I think I ought not to have done that. I think it's better to sit in silence for a while with a cup of coffee and come to my senses before I become involved in answering emails and reading and commenting on blogs when I just have woken up. I must remember to honor the peace and quiet of the time after the nap. The space your brain needs to adjust to being awake properly. You stand the chance to write a lot of nonsense when you just wake up. 

Tomorrow is another holiday and I keep forgetting. It will be nice because it will give me a chance to get some chores done. The personal helper and the domestic help won't be here. I won't miss them, I like the day off. Sometimes it's like having so many nosy people around and missing your privacy. 

I hope you're all enjoying your Easter Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Sunday News...

Today is part of a long weekend, Tomorrow is a holiday too. I'm quite pleased about it, because I feel like I'm on a mini vacation and I can just do whatever I please. Well, within reason. I mean, I do have some responsibilities, like the animals and some chores that need to get done regardless of whether or not it is a holiday or a Sunday.

There is always a job that has been put off for a long time and that finally needs taken care of and today was the day to do it. I tackled the floor in the spare bedroom, which has been turned into a storage room where the Exfactor and I keep everything that we don't have room for and there are stacks of boxes there against all walls and numerous other items. It is also where the back door is and in the back door is the cat flap where the cats enter and exit the apartment. It is also where I let out Tyke if he has to do an emergency piddle, so needless to say, the floor was quite dirty and littered with sand and cat and dog hair and twigs and leaves and other debris.

It hadn't been cleaned in a long time and I kept promising, no threatening myself, that I would clean it and I finally got around to it this morning. I swept it first, as well as I could with everything that was in the way, and then mopped it. I got it fairly clean, good enough for the animals anyway, and we'll see how long it lasts in this condition. If I stay on top of it, it should never get out of hand again. This was the result of a depression. Now that I'm out of it, I should be able to manage better.

I also hung up another load of laundry to dry and I have another load of sheets and odd ends to go into the machine. I told you, I never run out of laundry. It seems to be my favorite chore to do.

There is one more job that I am putting off and that I'm going to have to get around to doing and that is cleaning out my closet. I'm not looking forward to it at all. The first thing I ought to do is take out everything I don't wear anymore and put it in a bag. I must be very organized when I go to work at it. I think sorting through the clothes that I do and do not wear is the first job. I will get a big trash bag and fill it up with obsolete clothes.

Next, I have to sort out the stacks of different tops and sweaters. They are hopelessly mixed up right now and I don't know in which stack to find what anymore, it's all guess work now. I'm only sure of what's clean and folded in the laundry basket.

I have to sort through everything that's on hangers and that's the tricky part. The clothes are packed in so tight, that it's hard to get to an individual piece and very often the pressure of all the clothes together is the only thing that keeps an item on the hanger. Very often when I make space, things end up on the bottom of the closet. I have to decide which of these things can be folded and put on a shelf instead.

You mustn't think that I've got an enormous amount of clothes. I just have an old fashioned closet. It's not like the kind of closet Americans have. The kind that is built in with sliding doors and lots of floor space. This is a closet from the 20's that I repainted and used to have to share with the Exfactor. I don't know how we did that. I had much less clothes then. That is true. One thing I did when I became single is expand my wardrobe. Long live me! That's one thing a woman ought to have, a choice of clothes when she gets dressed in the morning. Although it is true, that as you wear your clothes, you do end up wearing certain items a lot and other things hardly at all. And some of them never. Those are the obsolete ones.

Who knows what I'll find in my closet? There are probably clothes I've forgotten about. It's very likely that I have more things to wear than I am aware of. Writing all of this down has gotten me curious and I think I will tackle this job tomorrow. It will be a good way to spend some spare time.

I took a nap this afternoon and woke up in a minor mood. I thought something was wrong, but couldn't place my finger on it. I had a slight feeling of discomfort and thought I was coming down with a dip. I made myself a glass of lemonade, because I thought I might need the sugar, but that wasn't it. I sat and pondered about it for a while and then had the brilliant idea to try a cup of coffee. That did the trick. Very soon I was my own cheerful self and I could think straight again. I just needed to have my brain stimulated and a bit of a kick in my rear end. I still take tranquilizers in the afternoon, but I think maybe it is time to stop them. I can't do that on my own. I need to discuss that with my psychiatrist. I think the tranquilizers slow me down and make me fuzzy brained. I feel better when I don´t take them. After all, they subdue your mood and that can´t be right under the circumstances. I don´t need subduing.

Now I´m having lemonade and it tastes great. I´m not going to bed yet, because I can sleep as late as I want in the morning. Just kidding! If I sleep from midnight until 8 am, I will be happy. A little later would be okay too, but 8 hours of sleep would be nice. I´ve started reading Under the Tuscan Sun and I must have read it before at a crucial time in my life, because all sorts of memories are drifting to the surface. It´s a subconscious thing and I don´t know how happy I am about it. If it becomes a problem, I´ll have to stop reading it. Not all my memories are good ones and the past is better left alone. It´s better to stay in the present and not torture yourself with old pain that can´t be resolved.

Okay, that´s enough of that. I made it a long enough post for today. I could sit here for a long time and write a novelette, but I don´t think that´s what you came for.

Ciao,
Nora

All done with that!

I've managed to do every chore that I had left undone so far, except for changing the bed and that will have to wait until tomorrow. There were actually more things to do than I thought there were initially. I looked up in the bathroom and discovered spider rag. I don't understand why I always have so much spider rag in this apartment. There must be numerous spiders hanging out here, but I don't see that many of them. They must be hiding in all the nooks and crannies. Maybe I just need to look up more often and I'll see them. I have a special spider rag brush on a stick to remove them, but I'd rather do it with the vacuum cleaner. The more you walk around looking for them, the more of them you spot and it becomes like a sport: spider rag spotting. I could probably make a weekly hobby out of it.

I've walked the dog twice now and I have still forgotten to mail those Christmas cards that are laying right on the dining table so I won't forget them. Three times is a charm. I hope the dog needs to go out again soon and that I'll remember them.

I keep thinking there are things I need to do that I have forgotten and I will walk around the apartment shortly and check everything to make sure all is really done. Well, the windows aren't washed, but I was not planning on doing those. Oh, I know what I forgot to do. I wanted to wipe clean the inside of the refrigerator. That will be a job I can do tonight or tomorrow morning, I'll have to see which way the wind blows. Of course. I'll probably want to go back to bed tomorrow morning, so I may not want to postpone it. It's 5 minutes worth of work. It just seems like a hassle, because you have to move everything out of the way. I can spritz it clean in no time, though. Housework is not ever really done, is it? If you really want it clean, you never, ever finish. It's one way to give meaning to your life.

I hear all sorts of noises coming from the junk room. I think there's a cat there getting into all sorts of things. Boxes and such. They regularly try to rearrange everything on the bookshelves. I'm subconsciously always waiting to hear a crash and sometimes I do. I'm always afraid to go find out what it is they've managed to throw on the floor. I always hope it's nothing delicate, but they are all the Exfactor's things and I don't know what is in half of those boxes, except for the model airplanes and I think those have already taken a beating. He must come and get those things if they are valuable, however. I can't guarantee their safety.

The dog is looking at me with mournful eyes. He doesn't want to go out, but he wants to be petted and have a bone. So I've petted him and given him a bone. I hope that makes him happy for now. The cat has exited the junk room and all is safe there once again, so I can breathe a sigh of relief. I can't close the door there, because that's where the cat door to go outside is.

I still can't figure out why I could not screw in that light bulb the other day. It was an energy saving light bulb and it had a normal fitting just like any other light bulb, but I couldn't get it to go in. I'm going to try it again in a while, although I managed to get another light bulb in there, but I'm not sure if that's an energy saving one. I was so confused that day. It bothers me to no end if I can't do something that ought not to be impossible. When logic tells you it should just happen. So I'm going to mess around with that light bulb until it fits, without actually electrocuting myself.

Oh, and see, I've survived Second Christmas Day without any problems. That's because I acted like it was no holiday at all. Of course, the stores were closed, but I had no need to go there, and there was no mail delivery, but that means no bills either, although it would have been nice to receive some Christmas cards. I'll expect all of them on Monday then.

Actually, for as little as I've done, the holidays haven't been bad so far. They weren't the gloomy days I was expecting them to be. It had to do with the weather too. It would have been worse if there had been a lot of snow, but today we had sunshine all day long and relatively mild temperatures. Yesterday we had rain showers, but I don't mind the rain if I don't have to go out in it, and it got rid of the slippery, slushy snow, except for one big snowball that was supposed to have been part of a snowman that never got completed and took a long time to melt. The dog peed on it every time we passed it.

Speaking of dogs, he is sound asleep and seems to have settled in for the evening. He is very busy snoring. Doubtlessly he will want to go out one more time, but maybe later. I'm going to get something to eat and check my emails. There seems to be quite a bit of Bookmooch activity.

I hope you all have a nice evening and if it's not evening yet, I hope you have a nice day. Did any of you brave the stores yet? Ours don't open until Monday.

Ciao,
Nora

Second Christmas Day.

It's officially another holiday, but I'm not going to let that bother me and finish up with the chores I have to do. But that's for later. Right now I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee and cigarettes slowly letting the day come to a start, not sure if I am willing and able to. It's always a question if I want to get the show on the road this early in the morning or if I want to go back to bed and sleep some more. I think sleeping some more will win out in the end. I feel in my bones that there are several hours of it left in me. So, I will eat breakfast shortly and climb back into bed. The dog will have to do with a piddle out back, because I'm not getting dressed yet. I mustn't even think about being outside yet, where it is a chilly 2C and even though it isn't freezing, that's quite cold enough for me.

I have slept well, and with the exception of having to get up once, I slept through the night and I went to bed on time too. These mini expeditions to the bathroom take place in a half awake situation and I barely open my eyes. I don't even know if I turn on all the lights to get there and I'm sound asleep again before I'm even under the covers again. I always have my little reading light on and when I go back to bed, I turn it off and the only light in the room is from the lighted branches in the vase on my bookshelf. The ones I've decorated for Christmas. This makes it quite cozy in the room and I like to fall asleep in the dim light of it.

I could have gotten a little Christmas tree to put on the dresser in the living room. I had the decorations and the lights for it, but then I thought about it drying out and the needles falling on the ground and I just thought, "No, I don't want to deal with that aggravation." I'm really not that into Christmas that very much, although I've enjoyed receiving the cards. I don't believe in the biblical story, so I don't celebrate it for that reason, but I appreciate the fact that in the middle of winter people want to have a festival of lights and good foods. It's just too bad that it gets so commercialized, although it's not as bad here, because we don't as a rule give gifts at this time of the year. Still, there's a mad rush of shopping to get all thess enormous amounts of food in the house. And drinks not to forget. Yet, I must not begrudge people their happiness at wanting to celebrate in style in the middle of these dreary days and make something special out of it.

In the meantime, I'm stuck with about 12 Christmas stamps that I hope to be able to use on my regular mail after Christmas, although they are less in value. I'm sure the post office will allow it, because they must realize that you have to use them up. They sell them in sheets of 20 stamps and there was no way I was going to use all of them. Unless I suddenly get more cards from people I have forgotten. Most of my cards went outside the country. It shows you that I know more foreigners than I do Dutch people, at least those I exchange Christmas cards with. I wrote two more cards yesterday and those I will stick in the mailbox today, although they will get at their point of arrival too late. It's the thought that counts.

Now I must go back to bed, because I'm getting sleepy again. I will be so nice to get under the duvet again and to sleep some more. It will be just what the doctor ordered.

I hope you all have a good day. It's Boxing day in England, isn't it? Isn't that when everybody goes to the stores to exchange their presents? The same should be happening in the States.

Ciao,
Nora

First Christmas Day.

In the Netherlands we celebrate two Christmas days on the 25th and the 26th, so today is the first Christmas day. We don't as a rule exchange presents, but do start off the day eating good things with our cups of coffee and I just had a double chocolate chocolaty cake with peach filling at my sister's with my café latte. It was almost like eating pure chocolate, it was so good, and I could have had all I wanted, but unfortunately one piece was all I could handle and it was on the small side too. My sister would have liked to invite me for dinner as well, but since I can't eat anything she's going to serve, that's an exercise in futility and frustration, so we don't even consider that. It's very disappointing when you can never have dinner at someone else's house, but that's the price I pay for the gastric band.

We reminisced and talked about our childhood and about our mutual marriages and about our children and about what we have in common and how we function as human beings. We come from the same nest and have the same kind of oddities and the same kind of unique attitudes. We are more similar than we are different and that became apparent today as we shared some of our deeper thoughts about ourselves and how we deal with relationships and problems we run into as a whole. We are not so far removed from the core as we think we are. Our childhood very much influenced who we turned out as people and left a big impression on our personalities and we struggle with it regularly. Why this subject came about today of all days is a mystery, but sometimes we find ourselves in these conversations.

Last night, after I finished writing my post, I made lists of all the books I have mooched and that didn't take all that long. Then I arranged the rest of the books by color and I was done with everything within an hour. I need some bookends, because not all the cubicles are filled up, but I don't know if I have any of those. The Exfactor may have some that he may let me have. I'll have to ask him. I need some very simple metal ones, the kind they use in the library. I have one or two of them, but I need about three more. I should have grabbed what I could when I had the chance. I was not greedy enough.

Anyway, the bookcase looks great and I have two cubicles that can be filled with more mooched books. Some cubicles are tightly packed and not a pin can be pushed in between. That's what happens when you try to get all the same colors together.

-------------------

I've just slept two hours on the sofa. I was falling asleep behind the computer, practically nodding off. I think I need a cup of coffee and a strong one too. Tsk, tsk, nodding off while I'm writing a post, it's terrible. I hope I'm not that sleep inducing when you read it.

I've made myself a cup of strong coffee and now I can join the living again. The first thing I had to do was feed the dog, who then refused to eat because I was not right there beside him while he ate. So I stayed by him while he ate what was in his bowl. Silly dog. The cats weren't pleased, because that didn't leave anything for them to eat, beside their own kibbles. It's hard to please everybody and I don't even start trying.

So, I've wasted First Christmas Day doing absolutely nothing noteworthy, which is as it should be. Tomorrow is another day and I will finish my chores then, although officially it's a holiday. I don't care, though. You can have too many holidays in a row too and I need to vacuum my bedroom. There are dog hairs there that need removing and the bathroom floor needs to be mopped. I'm a great one for doing chores, aren't I? I talk about them more than I spend time doing them.

Does your dog scratch the rug too in order to make a good place to lie down? My dog is always doing that, as if he digging himself a hollow to lie down in. Apparently he thinks it works, because he keeps doing it.

I have to go walk him now and thank goodness it has stopped raining, because it was doing that nonstop too earlier. It's a balmy 4C outside. Nowadays you're thankful for any degrees above zero Celsius. All the rain has made the last of the slippery snow disappear, so that's good. No chance of breaking your neck anymore. Watch, these were my famous last words as I found the last patch of icy snow.

I hope you're all having a good time celebrating this holiday. Amazingly enough, it doesn't bother me that I'm spending most of it on my own. It is fine, as I have the animals and I did see my sister and I will see Joost on Sunday. But it really isn't a bad time to spend by myself and I can always watch the horrible Christmas shows on television.

Ciao,
Nora

Christmas Eve

I slept well last night, about 9 hours, which is not bad when you consider I went to bed early too. I was in bed by 9:30 pm and asleep a short time after that. When I got up this morning, I was not quite done sleeping, but I had to get up on time and be functioning, because my sister and I were going grocery shopping early to avoid the crowds. Well, the whole neighborhood must have had the same idea, because there was already a crowd when we got there. So, we got our trolleys and split up and did our shopping and met again at the cash registers. I thought I had spent too much money, but the total wasn't as bad as I had anticipated, which was a relief. I had bought some extras because of the holidays, because you do have to get into the swing of things a little bit and I had to buy food for Joost, who is going to be here the day after Christmas. He does have a healthy appetite.

After I got home and had unloaded everything, and had eaten breakfast, I went back to bed and slept for another two hours, because I just couldn't wait to do that and while I was waiting for my sister to come and pick me up earlier, I had almost fallen asleep on the sofa. I think it's because I'm back on my old dose of antipsychotics again, but I'd rather be sleepy than paranoid and, let's face it, that's what I was yesterday. As a matter of fact, I just had to call for a new recipe for them, because I didn't realize I was almost out of them and I got my psychiatrist on the line and I told him I was taking three tablets and he didn't complain about it or protest. He's leaving it up to me, which I think is pretty decent of him. I do have to learn my own lessons, after all, and not climb in the phone to him every time something is wrong.

So, today I have to finish cleaning the apartment. I have to get on my knees and scrub the kitchen floor, especially the area where the animals always eat. It's pretty messy there. You can tell it has not been cleaned for awhile. I've got a great scrub sponge, though, that works wonders. It and a little elbow grease will take care of it. Plus lots of sudsy warm water, of course. I'm a great believer in that and it feels good to put your hands in.

I also have to walk the dog again and I hope he forgets it for just a while, because I'm not quite ready yet. I'd like one more cup of coffee before I really get started. I so need that. And I would like to drink a tall glass of juice, because I'm very thirsty, so I suppose I'll have that first.

I just noticed that a cat barfed under the coffee table, so that will be my first clean up job. Oh, aren't I lucky? Fortunately, I have lots of paper towels.

I am most definitely not in the same mood I was in yesterday and I can only assume it is because of the medication and it seems to me that I have tried to do with less before and that it didn't work out then either. I said at the time, that I would never decrease the amount again, but for some reason I had forgotten that or I thought it was necessary. I must remember not to do this, but to stick to this dose no matter what. Even if it does make me sleepy and a bit flat emotionally. It is preferable to how I felt yesterday, which was just awful and not at all the way I would want to go through life. I seemed to have forgotten my common sense and my optimism and I could only see the dark side of things and be suspicious of everything and everybody. What sort of an attitude is that?

Well, I must end this now. All sorts of duties call me. I'm sitting on the edge of my seat getting ready to do them.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Some time on a Saturday...

The time is indefinite, so I can post this whenever I get done with it. Maybe it will take me a while to write this it or maybe I'll write it in one fell swoop. You never know in the weekends. The days aren't that exciting and I usually have to find a subject to write about that's not so current.

I like the fact that the days of the weekend aren't exciting, after all the eventful days of the week. It's good to have a mindless break and to sleep a lot and to be a little bit lazy and unorganized. I slept really well last night, but I just took a nap on the sofa, which was nice, as the dog slept beside me and we both got up at the right time for me to take him for a walk.

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I've been thinking about what wears me out so much and I think it is the three hours of ergo therapy. You sit in a group of eight people plus the therapist and a lot goes on and some of it are underlying dislikes between members of the group. We just got two new members in the group and we are very weary about one of them and two of us, led by me, have aired our concerns in the group.

Whatever is discussed in the group, is supposed to stay inside the group and we had noticed this person was not sticking to these rules. We had also noticed that she very loudly discussed very intimate details of her own life out on the deck, where everyone could hear them. So there was some concern on our part about our safety inside the group with this new person there.

This woman is what you may call a very common woman. She speaks very loudly and very exaggeratedly and fabricates some details of her stories to make herself look more victimized. On Wednesday, I caught her in an out and out lie and the person who could back me up wasn't there, but she, with a stone cold face, pretended that I had made something up in front of the therapist and the whole group.

I think she has made herself immensely unpopular and now I don't know how we as a group can go on as uninhibited as we have. We obviously have a problem. I don't feel free enough to discuss my intimate details in the group and I wonder if the other people feel the same way. I suppose all I can do is wait for the next Wednesday and see how things evolve. She carries enormous grudges, so when you think you have discussed a problem and come to a good conclusion, she walks around feeling pissed off until the next time and beyond that.

I think it is these kind of things that wear me out so much, because they are so intense and wreck the harmony of the group. The therapist says I have to harden myself against things like this, because I'm going to encounter them in real life too, although maybe not on such an intense basis. I wonder if that is possible?

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In the meantime, back on the ranch, the sun is shining relentlessly and I don't remember asking for that. I distinctly remember me saying that I don't mind the occasional cloud in the sky. But I won't despair, because we will have those tomorrow and there is even some rain going to fall out of them. The temperatures are going to be around the 20's and I think that's just fine. That's my kind of weather. For those of you who are sticklers, tomorrow it is going to be 68 degrees Fahrenheit.

It's a long weekend, because we have Monday off too. That's because it is Pentecost, or Whitsunday, which was originally a Jewish holiday, but supposedly it was when the Holy Spirit descended down from heaven and struck the apostles, so they could speak in languages, so every Jew of every nation could understand them. It's the tenth day after Ascension Day. So speaketh the Bible.

You can certainly tell that we're a Christian nation by the holidays we still keep, which is really kind of silly, because there are so many people of so many different kinds of cultures living here. It seems we are just ignoring all of them. I think we should ignore all religious holidays and just make up some new ones to honor special occasions, having to do with the history of the country or contemporary issues, like international women's day or the day of the child. That's just my take on it. Boy, if only I could be a benign despot. (I'm always so convinced of my right.)

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Speaking of despotism, I'd still rather be the queen, except that our queen doesn't have as much power as I'd like to have. I don't know how many strings she can pull and how restricted she is in what she can get done, but I'd like to take advantage of the position more than she does. I would definitely push that idea of the holidays through, even if I had to take on the major Christian political parties. I wouldn't be afraid if they threatened to dethrone me and just make an appeal to my popularity amongst the population.

I don't think you'd get this sort of thing done as prime minister, They'd laugh you straight out of Parliament, even if a lot of people would agree with you. Those who have the sword in their hands, wouldn't let it happen. That's how the score stands now. We're led by the Christian Democrats, and the Social Democrats, who are in the coalition government with them, are their toy dogs and are restricted by the leash they're tethered by. I've never seen such an anti-social bunch of Social Democrats.

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The birds are chirping outside announcing dinnertime. Gosh, a good T-bone steak from the barbecue sure would taste good. "Ha, ha," she laughed fiendishly, "you will never eat such a thing again." And so it is, unless I have my gastric band removed, which I may do one of these days, but that is a story for another day.

I hope you have a lovely Saturday evening or day, whichever timezone you are in, and that your weather is kind to you.

Ciao...

Liberation Day.

Today is Liberation Day. We celebrate the end of WWII and it is a national holiday, so that means that everyone has the day off, including me. No creative therapy for me today, even though I was looking forward to it very much.

I woke up at 7 am, all ready to go and do something, but there was nothing to do. Well, obviously there is the house cleaning, but we already knew about that and it really is going to get done this week, because this weekend my friend Joost is coming to stay with me. I must have a clean apartment by then. Although I'm sure that Joost will forgive me any speck of dirt he finds.

So, today I must fill my own day and I think I will just let things naturally evolve. There's no rush and no push to get certain things done at a certain time and all the stores are closed. Much to my disgust, I might add, because I could have gone into town and bought those frames for my collages, but maybe I'm not supposed to spend the money now.

Oh yes, it is raining. The bad weather finally caught up with us and we got it from England where it landed first. We're supposed to have a dry spell for a little while and then some more rain, but the weekend looks good.

I don't mind the rain, except that I have to walk the Überhund in it, but it's not coming down in buckets, so I suppose we'll survive that. The Überhund refuses to go out when it comes down in buckets anyway. He has great bladder control, which can't be said for me.

I always have to know where the toilets are everywhere I am and when I have to go, I can't delay it, I have to go immediately or I'll have an accident. That can be quite embarrassing when you're a grown up woman.I've had this problem to some extent my whole life, it has just gotten worse as I have gotten older. Yes, I do wear pads.

Confidential information in a blogger's post, hee hee.

The advantage of having a gastric band is, that when you drink a glass of cold Coke, it fills you up immediately and it feels as though you've had a meal. It also makes you burp a lot. It's very embarrassing when your gastric band makes you do a long slow burp in polite company when you're drinking an espresso and everybody gets a shocked look on their face. You then have to explain that it's because of your gastric band and that leads to a whole other discussion. People say in disbelieve, "You mean they never take it out again!?" No, they don't, because otherwise you'll become as fat as you were before, if not fatter.

I went to bed last night and never even opened my book. I just put my head on my pillow and went to sleep. That's how tired I was. No wonder after having been up for such a long time, but it felt so good. At the rate I am reading books, though, it takes me forever to get through one and I keep having to reread passages, because I am so sleepy when I read them the first time.

I am not getting around to reading during the day, because I never have a dull moment. Sometimes it's nice to sit and do nothing at all, but to stare out the window and watch the occasional car and bicyclist ride by. Those are just short moments, though, because when I sit down, the Überhund wants to be petted and a cat wants a lap to sit on. They know they can't bother me when I'm behind the computer, so they wait for their opportunity. Yesterday, Toby walked on the keyboard and shut the computer down. It may have been a gentle hint.

My daughter sent me an email with some photos of Lantanas attached to it. This particular kind was called "Irene" and she said she bought them in honor of me. I thought that was very nice. I will be remembered in her garden for a long time.

The mountain ash berries out back are now getting green and are forming shoots. They always look very dead at the beginning of spring, but then, suddenly, they come to life and sprout branches and leaves in no time at all. They only get sun in the morning, so that's not very much and I'm sure that's why the process is delayed, but pretty soon they'll be beautiful and I'll take pictures of them.

I just realized that I have a gray bolero, but that I don't have a short gray cardigan that's knitted of cotton. That's a huge gap in my wardrobe. I must rectify that soon, or my life will not be complete. You know what that means, don't you? I have another mission!

Well, now I have to wake the sleeping dog and brave the rain and go for a short walk with him. Luckily, I have rainproof hair. The rain just bounces right off my short hard spikes.

Anyway, have yourself a really nice day and don't let whatever weather get you down. Remember, it's only temporary.

Ciao...

Again...

I managed to sleep until 7:30 AM again and I just finished my first mug of coffee. I woke up at 3 AM with the silly idea that I had to get up, but luckily I had enough good sense to go back to bed after I realized that I was drunk with sleep. I laid me down in bed and was departed to dreamland in the shortest amount of time, I think half a minute. Such a silly woman am I, to want to get up in the middle of the night to turn on the computer and read blogs.

It's a compulsion to want to be up in the coziest hours of the very early morning hours when nobody else is awake and to be active then. But it is a silly one, because I screw up my sleeping schedule and I have promised my SPN to try and do something about it. So, I am trying very hard to sleep through the night and to ignore the desire to get up when it is far to early to.

Sometimes I am wide awake, though, and there isn't an ounce of sleep left in me and I have to get up, because staying in bed is senseless. I think that has to do with having a mild case of anxiety about what is going on in my daytime life, such as anticipating Christmas on my own. Now that it is behind me, I can sleep much better again.

The cats dragged home a big bone of something and the Überhund has laid claim to it. He has placed it on his blanket and guards it very protectively. Woe is the cat who tries to get near it. This makes things very easy for me, because now he is so busy protecting that bone, that he forgets to be bored and ask for treats. It makes me think that I ought to ask the butcher for bones, or maybe buy soup bones that have a little bit of meat on them.

Yesterday I got off my lazy butt and vacuumed all the rooms and vacuumed the furniture too. This was after I changed the bag in the vacuum cleaner which was dead full of dog and cat hair. It sure made a difference in suction power. I have to change it more often than I think I do and I can notice it by the results of my attempts at getting the sofa hair free. When those are futile, it is time for a new bag.

Today I have to tackle the bathroom, another one of my favorite jobs. At least the dirt is all mine, except for the paw prints in the wash basin, where Toby likes to hang out. He thinks the shape is perfect to curl up in and have a nap. He doesn't mind that the faucet drips a little bit and hits him right on the head. He is also oblivious of the rain and comes in soaking wet.

Now there is only one holiday left to get through and that is New Year's. It wouldn't be so bad if the whole town didn't set off fireworks at midnight and make it sound as if WWIII had broken out. There is no way to go to bed early and sleep through that.

It's minus 4 degrees Celsius outside. Cold enough to stay inside, but The Überhund still needs to be walked, although right now he is sound asleep on his blanket. If I don't make a move, he'll stay asleep, but I have to get some more coffee.

For now, life is back to normal. I'll be able to go to the grocery store today and buy milk and muesli and dog food and tobacco and filter tubes. Hurray! First I must go and check my banking account and see how rich I am toady.

Have a great day, everyone.

Ciao...