Surprisingly...

to my surprise it is evening again already, although the sun is still shining brightly in the sky. Now why do you think that is? Isn't that a nice effect from daylight savings time? I think that was the whole purpose, wasn't it? Or is this just the way it is supposed to be always? I am very confused. I better not think about that too much. I may damage my brain. I haven't had enough coffee for that. 

I took a nap, but I also think that my sleepiness is a side effect from the tranquilizers and I think I'm going to try and skip the one I take in the afternoon and see if maybe I don't get as sleepy then. It isn't all that great to get so calm that it makes you want to go take a nap. It does make me feel oh so tired. I feel like lying down all over the place and I have no energy to do anything. I think that's not quite the purpose behind them. 

It was another lovely day with lots of sunshine and pleasant enough temperatures, although it isn't really that warm yet. It just feels that way to us deprived people. We aren't used to anything. I've got the windows open on a crack, but I do feel a bit of a draft and it's a bit chilly. I'll have to put on my bathrobe over my clothes if I want to keep myself warm enough. I do so dislike being uncomfortable. 

Today I wanted to be on the beach of a tropical island in my bikini with a fruity cocktail in my hand. To me that seemed like the ultimate bliss. I would really like to feel the warm sunshine and the equally warm wind on my body. I would like to be warm all over. If I had to, I would find the shade of a palm tree, but at least it would still be pleasant. I would get a terrific tan and swim in the perfectly clear blue sea and eat delicious fish from the ocean that was grilled over an open fire.

A woman can dream, can't she? There are people doing this right now. 

I mustn't spend too much time fantasizing, although a little bit of it is okay. In your imagination you can do many interesting things and make your ordinary life more fun. When I was in Cabo San Lucas in Mexico, the circumstances were nice enough to make me think I was in a tropical place and I got a good taste of it and will never forget the experience. I can remember it whenever I need to escape in my head and I have more memories like that. 

What I most miss is being warm. 

I've got to fix myself some dinner and make something hot to drink. That should warm my cold bones. I act like it is a cold day in winter. I must be getting old. 

Have a nice evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Peacefulness...

I'm having a quiet and peacful time despite the fact that I'm not in bed sleeping and having tranquil dreams. Instead, I'm sitting here with a glass of ice cold milk and a cigarette, in my warm bathrobe, enjoying the wee hours of the night. It will be time to go to bed shortly because I'm starting to yawn, but I will try to write a sensible post before I go. 

I didn't change the sheets on the bed like I had planned to tonight lacking the energy to do it and promising myself that I would do it first thing in the morning. The plan is to get up early enough to do it and to not stay in bed until noon after which I would get side tracked by other things. I do want to have the dirty sheets in the washing machine at a decent time and feel like I'm seizing the day. 

Sunday is not a day to be wasted on frivolous activities. It may be a day of rest, but I try to fill it with useful things to keep me busy and out of trouble. I admit, there isn't a heck of a lot of trouble for a middle aged woman to get into on a Sunday in a town in the Netherlands, but I always pretend there could be to give my life that dangerous edge. I do have an extensive fantasy life. 

The cat and the dog chased a mouse around the apartment for two days and nights and finally this evening the cat got a hold of it. That hold didn't last long and the mouse escaped in the living room where the dog grabbed it. That soon was the end of its little life. It gave one final squeek and then it was over. The dog carried it around with him for a while until he finally dropped it and I could dispose of it. It was a field mouse that the cat had brought in from outside. No wildlife is safe around here. The cat has turned out to be quite a hunter. 

That was the excitement for the evening and now at least that mouse is not hiding under my bed anymore. I did have some trouble sleeping one night with the animals trying to get to it. Only when they gave up on it could I go to sleep knowing that the mouse was behind the headboard. I'm getting used to a lot. 

I've got to go to sleep now. I must get a certain amount of sleep if I want to get up early in the morning and get the show on the road on time. 

Sleep tight and have a good weekend.

Ciao,

Nora

. 

But I was only having a craving, officer...

If I could, I would hurry quickly to the nearest open store and buy me a liter of vanilla ice cream and consume it all at once. That's how bad my craving for it is right now. It would have to be real vanilla ice cream, though, and not the imitation stuff they sell nowadays. I would want the ice cream that was sold in my childhood and that was creamy and very good tasting. That's what I really crave. 

If I really can be honest, I'd have to say that I crave a big banana split, but I probably could not finish it, so I'd have to make it a tasty strawberry sundae instead with lots of whipped cream on top. If I'm going to fantasize, I'm going to do it right. I can see myself eating it in my mind's eye and I'm enjoying it a lot. Instead, I will have a tall glass of ice cold milk and that will have to do to take care of my wishful thinking. 

It usually works. The coldness is enough to fool my taste buds into thinking that they've had something delicious and the milk keeps my stomach occupied with its loud rumbles and burps. It's also a question of mind over matter and not giving into silly foolishness and wishful thinking. You can't have everything your heart desires and cravings do disappear again. 

There's also such a thing as regret when you've inhaled a liter of ice cream in one sitting. Ice cream melts so smoothly in your mouth and it goes down easily. Too easily. That's why you can eat so much of it all at once. 

Enough on that subject. I've indulged in it more than is necessary. I've given it more than enough of my precious attention. It shouldn't get that much valuable space. It just goes to show you what a feeble human being I can be, but how smart it is of me not to have certain foods in the house at all. It's best never to put anything on the shopping list that I will hopelessly indulge in and feel shamefully guilty about afterwards. 

But I'm having cold milk now and it is already taking care of whatever I thought I so desperately needed. In a little while I will have forgotten all about that. It's also putting my head in a different gear which is pleasant. I think the coffee had me just a little bit too excited. The milk is a nice change of pace and it's calming me down. You wouldn't think that about such an innocent beverage, but it really does. And it's an innocent reaction, after all. 

So the caffeine is good for making me alert, but the milk is good for making me mellow. And now I've got to think what to do with that mellowness. I think I will be up for a while. It's early in the night still and I have more than enough time to go back to bed. It is Sunday, so it isn't important how quickly I get started in the morning.

I hope you're all having a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Meanderings...

I'm ever so cozily sat here in the semi darkness with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes in my warm red bathrobe. It isn't really chilly in here, but I pretend it is the middle of the winter and that I have to guard myself against the arctic cold. I haven't even got the heater on, but I'm wearing my socks. It's like I'm having a big old adventure all by myself in the middle of the night. A person does have to use her fantasy on occasion and make life more interesting than it is. 

Luckily, there isn't a huge snowstorm raging outside because in reality that would not make me happy at all. I'm sure I'm not ready for it. It's okay to imagine it, but to actually have to deal with it is another matter. It's very mild outside and has been for the time of year. Actually, we're having a bit of a drought and the water level in the rivers is low. We haven't had enough rain over the last weeks and for the next little while, there is no rain in the forecast.

It's been a pleasure to take the dog out for walks as I haven't had to dress really warm. There's been sunshine every day, although it's not all that strong. There's no wind to speak of, so that makes it very pleasant. The dog is oblivious of the weather and his fur is growing back in. Before it gets really cold, he should be warm enough again. He hasn't been doing any shivering lately.

He does gallivant around and keeps me in shape. We walk at a steady pace along familiar grounds and make our regular stops. I find this is better than taking a new route. A new route means nothing but non stop sniffing and raising his leg and we never get anywhere. It takes us forever to get home again. I have to be endlessly patient and wait while he minutely investigates every unexplored spot. You can imagine there are many when you are on new terrain. 

I'm a bit bronchial and have been coughing. This has caused me to have inflammation of the cartilage where my ribs meet my sternum. It's on the left side and hurts when I breathe and cough and use my left arm. I didn't have to go to the doctor to get this diagnosis as I have had this before. I'm taking Ibuprofen for it and hope to get some relief that way. There's not much else that can be done for it. Yes, cortisone shots, but I'm not much in the mood for them.

The glass is always half full and my right side doesn't hurt, so that is good. I can take cough medicine and may even have some in the kitchen cabinet. I'll have to have a look. There's an herbal one that works well and I may have some of that. I can also get some A. Vogel Echinaforce as that's supposed to be good for your resistance and there's probably some good cough medicine from that brand too. I will ask the Exfactor to get me some. A. Vogel has a good reputation. The medicines are made from plant and herbal extracts and are available in a good drugstore. 

The night does move on and it's time to go to bed again. It's the lure of my new duvet that makes it such a pleasure to want to go. Besides, I'm slightly sick and do need my sleep. It's only smart if I go back to bed now. It's tough to be sensible, but somebody has to be. 

Ciao,

Nora

Last but not least...

I'm so fully awake that I could do a number of jobs right now and It's a shame that it's the middle of the night and that I'm restricted by the darkness. Well, I'm restricted by other factors as well, but that's a result of my life's conditions and not so much because of unwillingness on my part. 

I have a great big adventurous streak and it tends to come to the surface when I'm up like this and if I had the money and the wherewithal, I would give it free reign. Give me some hard cash and a couple of credit cards and I would be on my way. I'd have an overnight bag packed in no time. Wow, a person can dream, can't she? 

I just need to be independently wealthy, that's all. Or have the pocket money of an oil sheik.

I better get my feet back on the ground lest my fantasy carries me away completely because that's so easily done. Before you know it I'm in Paris sitting in a sidewalk cafe watching Parisians walk by with baguettes in their arms. And I do have to go back to the Louvre and explore it more extensively. 

Most museums have websites where you can see their whole collections quite well. They are usually laid out very well and easy to navigate around in. It almost makes you feel like you're there for a real visit. You do get a very good idea of what's there and where to find it. It suffices when you can't go there yourself.

For now I'm just sitting here with my inevitable cup of coffee and my cigarettes getting a little chilled because I don't have my bathrobe on yet. I didn't do that purposely because I was so hot and bothered when I got up out of bed. I think I shouldn't sleep in pajamas at all, but modesty dictates it even though there are only the animals here.

I think I'm going to buy a nightgown next when I'm in the mood to shop. It will be a nightie like an oversized T-shirt. Maybe that won't be as warm to wear. 

It's an overcast night and it's slightly drizzling outside, but you can't hear the rain fall. It's no good opening the bedroom window to try and listen to it. I won't hear a thing. I will open the window anyway because it's not cold outside and it will be nice to let the fresh night air in. It does get stuffy inside otherwise. As long as the dog does not shiver, it will be alright. He's my temperature gage.

Since today is Saturday, it's a 'Day of for Dummies.' That's what I've decided to call this day. You don't need a lot of brainpower to get through it.  You can pretty much arrange the day as you see fit and let it happen almost by accident. At least, it's that way in my case because I have no major commitments. It's a much easier day than Sundays, when I really try to make something of it. 

It's with much happiness that I can tell you that the speed skating season has started and yesterday we had the first races of the Dutch championships. There will be more on today, so I will not be bored in the least. I do love speed skating and I especially like watching the men's races. I love how strong and fast they are and how graceful. I am a living and breathing female after all. I do love the well developed male shape.

It's time I go back to bed. I've got to do a little bit more sleeping instead of going off on an adventure. The morning will start soon enough. 

I hope you'll all have a great weekend. 

Ciao,

Nora

The starry sky...

I stood outside by the back door in the cold night air and looked at the starry sky and it made me wish I was in the countryside where I would have been able to see many more stars. That made me wish I was camping in the desert by a campfire, drinking a cup of hot coffee and looking up at that sky. I would have worn very warm clothes and had a very warm sleeping bag for the cold desert night. 

Isn't it nice to have a fantasy like that? I can pretend it really happened having spent time in the deserts in New Mexico and California and having seen the night skies there. Thank goodness that I do have those experiences to fall back on. All I have to do is retrieve some of my memories and I'm there. They are the film fragments in my mind. They are stored there for the rest of my life. Even if I get demented I will remember them.

I hope to never get demented and lose my memories, although if I could selectively eliminate a few, I would gladly do that. There are some memories I have that seem to have no other function than to cause me heartache and I can do without them completely. I wish I could pick those out of my memory bank and delete them. Those are the ones that rear their ugly heads when I get depressed and when I have the least use for them. But I mustn't think about that now. I'm feeling good and it is time to only think of the better memories. 

Because of the open windows, there's a draft in the apartment and I think it's rather pleasant. I feel the cool air moving around me ever so gently. I think it's very refreshing because, as usual, I like to feel just a little bit on the cool side in the middle of the night, as long as I'm wearing my warm bathrobe. My hands and feet are cold, but my nose is warm and I'm still drinking hot coffee. Outside there's a cold wind blowing. Because of the wind chill factor, it feels like it's 37F out there. Brrr...

I didn't get around to reading yesterday morning, so I haven't picked out a new book yet. I will have to do that today. I went back to bed and slept late because it was going to be an empty day pretty much. I managed to amuse myself doing nothing important at all and that's a real art too. It takes a certain amount of finesse. I've got to put some thought into choosing a book lest I get stuck with another boring one. I will not regain my love for reading in that case. I do leave bookmarks in the books that I leave unfinished in case I get in the mood for reading them again. 

I've got to decide what I'm going to do now. I'm either going back to bed or staying up to read. I do need the sleep, but I'm not quite ready for it yet. If I had cows to milk, I would go milk them now. And chickens to feed. I'll go look on the bookcase for an interesting book. Maybe it will jump out at me and grab me. 

Have a nice Friday all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

Who told me it was time to get up?

By my standards, it's still relatively early in the morning, especially for a Saturday morning when I can really sleep as late as I want. I've already been up for a while and have had my cups of coffee and am about to drink my first glass of milk. 

That will be my first meal today because I can't stand the thought of food first thing in the morning. Unless I was going to a Denny's in California and got to order a complete American breakfast, but how am I going to manage to eat that with a gastric band? There would be much drooling over the food and little actual eating and most of it would go to waste. 

You see how I do a lot of wishful thinking and in my head create situations that don't remotely have the chance of taking place so I'm worrying for nothing. I'll just stick to my glass of milk. Another problem has been helped out of this world. Everything should be solved as easily, but then again, maybe it can be. Who knows if much of what I want isn't actually wishful thinking? 

I do have a tendency to get caught up in trains of thought that are complete fantasies and that have nothing to do with reality. I suppose you could call that ordinary daydreaming, but I find it to be a waste of time that leads you nowhere and only takes you down the wrong path. It's best not to go there at all and to stay in the here and now. 

Today I have to try and take care of a couple of chores. It's for the sake of my own peace of mind that I'll do them. I'll be able to relax better for the rest of the day once they are done. That's why it's important that I stay up now and don't go back to bed. I will save whatever need for sleep I have left in me for my afternoon nap and that will be in a bed with clean sheets. 

I'm yawning something awful, but must completely ignore it and get the show on the road. The first thing I'll do is take the dog for a walk. The cold air will do me good.  It's not going to be a warm day today and we may even get some more rain. We had rain and thunderstorms yesterday. They were quite spectacular. 

Have a good Saturday you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Wasting time...

The greatest danger of a lazy afternoon behind the computer is that you will end up spending money and I just did. I ordered a pair of boots. I can't get the picture of them, although I tried because I wanted to share them with you. For some reason that didn't work out. They are from Esprit and I got them on sale and saved 50 euros on them. I thought that was pretty darn good and didn't want to waste the opportunity. They were calling my name and they were my size. I'm congratulating myself with my good fortune.

The coffeemaker has been delivered, but I haven't unpacked it yet because I first want to use up my Senseo coffee pads or as long as the Senseo machine allows me to do it. On Monday the Exfactor is going to be here and I will ask him to get the best ground coffee and the unbleached filters when he goes to the supermarket. I would like to get the same brand as the coffee pads I use now, but I don't know if they have that in regular ground coffee. It tastes good and is relatively inexpensive so it would be great if they did.

I'm going to change my bed in a little bit and do a load of laundry. I have some clothes I have to wash and they will go in with the sheets and pillow cases. I will look forward to a clean bed tonight. I always want to make sure that I have something good to look forward to, no matter how small the event is. Yesterday it was a chocolate bar that I had saved from my trip to the tobacco shop. It was a real treat. I do like chocolate so very much and allow myself to have some about once a month or so. I think having it more often would be dangerous.

I haven't been on the bathroom scale for a while, but I rely on the way my clothes fit me to know if I'm gaining or losing weight. I seem to be okay and I don't want to neurotically step on the scale all the time, although there were periods when I did that. I've broken myself of that habit. I don't worry about how much I weigh. I worry more about how my clothes fit me and about how I look. If I feel good about myself, I don't worry about anything at all.

It's been a warm day. Outside it is 27C and inside it is 25C. I have the back door open and I just opened the kitchen window to get a draft in here. It is very pleasant because I'm sitting right in it. There are some clouds blocking the sun every once in a while and tomorrow we are supposed to have thunder storms. On Monday it's going to be cooler and it's going to rain again.

Tyke is lying by my feet and is sound asleep. We've both had kind of a lazy day, caused by the warmth, no doubt. It isn't so hot that it is unpleasant, but it is humid so you don't want to do too much. Besides, it's weekend and we're not supposed to exert ourselves. Tyke has the right idea when he lies down on the cool linoleum.

I fell asleep on the sofa at noon, quite unexpectedly because it was not in the planning. I was confused when I woke up and tried to figure out what time of the day it was. I was discombobulated. I only slept for about an hour, but it was enough to make me think it was evening and that I should get ready to go to bed. I wouldn't have wanted to without the clean sheets. I was surprised when I saw what time it was and had to have a cup of coffee to clear my head. Then my sister called and I could hardly have a conversation, that's how muddled I was. Not how I am when I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm ready to tackle anything at all.

The good summer smells are coming in with the breeze through the open window. If you could bottle that smell and spray it in your living room in the wintertime, you would be a happy person. It smells like clean laundry. Very fresh and invigorating. It makes you want to be outdoors with a picnic and a bottle of wine in a meadow by a creek. There would have to be trees, of course, for the shade. And a tall, handsome stranger. Hey, I'm single. I can wish for tall, handsome strangers.

Okay, I'm going to change my bed and do a load of laundry. As if I have to stand there and churn the washing machine.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

More than I was aiming for...

My post to entertain you all last night, turned somewhat introspective, no doubt because of the late hour and the intimate and cozy setting it was written in. Besides, when a person is only talking to herself without immediate feedback, it does give you a tendency to get deeper into a subject than might have been your intention and you have to call yourself back from those places that get too refelctive and do some editing once in a while. That means deleting large portions of self indulgant drivel.

Introspection is good, as long as I stay on this side of the line of reality. It's not good to see myself as a goodly earth mother, with ancient Saxon roots, who is connected to nature and all that lives in it and who lives in a hut in a meadow and brews potions to make all your ailments disappear, though it is a lovely thought. I need to be the real me in the real world and not fantasize lyrical about willow trees and cows in the meadow by the stream.

I've had that period in my life and was completely disconnected from reality, insulated from it, although I also think back on it with some amount of pleasure, but I can weep for the fog caught in the twisted oak trees and the moss on the forest floor and the deer that walked there through the dead leaves. There are bits of scar tissue in my heart from that.

Right, and now for something completely different. I am drinking more coffee again. Not as much as I was before, but more than the three cups I was drinking lately. I am now drinking about six cups a day and most of it in the morning. I don't know where this sudden desire came from, although it may have something to do with the fact that I cleaned the Senseo machine and the coffee tastes better now. I was drinking a bitter cup before that took the pleasure out of it. I'm also sleeping less and in more need of a pick me up in the morning and I do notice the difference. So, more coffee it is. Whether or not it is good for me. Experience will tell.

I guess you always have periods in your life when you are more sensible about yourself and when you are not. Last night I didn't get to sleep on time and I woke up relatively early this morning. I know I won't take a nap all day, because I've sworn those off and that leaves me no other choice but to go to bed on time tonight. I don't know how that affects the reality of my day, or better, how I experience it. I know it has a tendency to make me lazy and to not want to do anything that requires physical effort, although that's probably just the thing I should do. That would put a different slant on my day and my attitude. I can't always be living in my head and monitoring my emotions. Sometimes I have to step out of it and experience something else.

I slept on my elbow wrong and I can't bend my arm without having pain in my hand. Usually it disappears after I've been up for a while, but now it's hanging on stubbornly. That poor nerve must really be pinched. I wish I knew what to do about it, but I know of no exercise that can help it. I want to take something for the pain, but I don't know how that affects my other medicines, so I'm afraid to do it. I'm so happy when I feel good, that I'm afraid to add another pill to the mixture to upset the balance. Already I can't take the vitamin and mineral capsule, because it completely interferes with the working of my other medicines.

I have to go and do some household chores now. Tomorrow the domestic help comes and I have to have these things done before she gets here. That means I have to shut the computer off. By the way, I didn't even finish my third cup of coffee. I had enough of it.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

Slightly funky!

I'm feeling slightly funky, as if I'm a diva wearing a new costume and I need to go out on the town and show myself to as many admiring people as I can and have them trip all over themselves as they try to get as close to me as possible, while they bask in the glory that is me, the queen of the night. Oh hallelujah, wouldn't it be great? The other option is that I sit here and bask in my own limelight that is the desk lamp and enjoy my own good company and keep the secret of my greatness to myself and don't divulge a word of it to the world at large, but only to you, dear readers, who will keep the secret with me and not call the paparazzi for whatever amount of money.

A woman of a certain age needs her dreams and wants to pretend she's like Bette Midler and quite glamorous from the top of her head down to her very toes. Or she could even be as ageless as Cher and be in a permanent state of undress and still not look naked. Either way, right now I need to think that I'm a diva and that I'm sitting here in my diva clothes with my cigarette in a fashionable holder, drinking a very dry martini from a delicately cut glass and I'm about to have the night of my life. What I actually do, once my soap bell has been busted, is irrelevant, because I can make this moment last forever. I'll pretend I'm between engagements now.

Instead of having that dry martini, I'm having a cup of coffee and it tastes mighty fine too. That must be because I'm drinking it from a mug that came all the way from Italy. It gives it something extra. A Mediterranean flavor. I could be drinking it from a mug all the way from Japan, but it is in the dirty dishes and divas don't do dishes. At least not at this time of the day. This is when they have their fantasies. I'd like to pretend, by the way, that I'm wearing fish net stockings and long black high heeled boots, or do you think that's too vulgar?

This morning, after I braved the cold in my regular clothes without a jacket on and hung up the laundry to dry outside, I got on my bike and rode it through the snowy, slushy streets to the little post office. There I mailed the ten books and bought stamps for inside the country, for inside Europe and for outside Europe. The cost of sending the books and the cost of the stamps took almost all the cash I had left in my wallet and left me with one Euro and some change to buy filter tubes with. I considered myself very lucky, because it would have been highly embarrassing to stand there without enough money.

When I got home, I called my contact person at Social Services to find out if there was a special reason why my money was not yet in my bank account and he said that, no, there was no reason at all, I had not done anything wrong, and it should show up any minute. That was a relief, because I thought maybe I was being penalized for not keeping my appointment with him and changing it to a later date. You never know how these government agencies work. There are all sorts of mysterious rules.

Then I opened the blue envelope from the Tax Office and saw the amount of income tax they wanted me to pay for 2008 and I thought, "I don't have that money!" So, I got on the phone and talked to a very nice woman who said that they would give me 6 weeks plus 4 months to pay off the amount. That was not as reasonable as I had hoped, but it was something anyway and I will just have to live on bread and water for that time.

I checked my bank account again and saw that the money was there, so I immediately paid some bills, including the one for the taxes. I hate to have that hanging over my head. I'd rather know how poor I am at the beginning of the coming month, so I know what I can spend at the store. There's no sense in hanging on to money that really isn't yours anyway. It just gives you a false sense of security. While I was hanging out in my bank account on line, my balance suddenly got higher and that was because my rent and health insurance subsidies came in and I was happy to see that my health insurance subsidy had increased, because my insurance had gotten more expensive too. Sometimes things do actually work well. I keep looking at the bright side of things. Miss Pollyanna I am. I see a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.

Time to file the paperwork in a three ring binder that's getting awfully full and that will need replacing with a new one. Or rather, I will have to start a new one in January and get new tab sheets and start filing things for 2010. Everybody is increasing their rates and nobody asks you if you can afford it. All the extra costs get passed on to the customers and we gleefully sit by and watch and can't do a thing about it.

Of course, if I were a true diva, I would have a financial manager who would make a mess of things and leave me broke with himself with a large bank account on the Bahamas. This diva is managing her own small fortune herself. It is a little bitty mini fortune, courtesy of the state.

There's a time to be sad and worried and there's a time to not give a hoot and right now I don't care. I'm not going to worry about a bloody thing and just pull up my shoulders and say, "So what?" You can run around in circles and try to get it all right and perfect and the way everybody wants it to be and after that you just have to walk away from it and say you've done your best. And blow many raspberries!

Where was I going with this fantasy anyway? I think I need to blow some new soap bubbles. I think as an encore I will sweep the living room floor, because there are a few drifts of dog hair floating around. I hope I can manage that in my high heeled boots. I may have to get out of these drag queen clothes and put on something sensible and middle aged. Socks and slippers, for instance. That's okay, I was having a bad hair day anyway from wearing that woolly hat all the time. You can't go out on the town when your hair is statically electrified to your head.

In the meantime, I've got to find some work to do. I need to be sensibly occupied. I'm sure if I look around here, I will find a job or two to do. There no shortage of cleaning up to do. There is a shortage of bright light, what with all the energy saving bulbs. I must find a solution for that. Maybe buy bigger bulbs. It does make things a little dim in here and I may miss some of the dirt. Other people would wait for daylight, but I must find something to pour my spare energy into and I'm not going to the disco, I don't think they're open on a Monday night.

It never did rain today and the snow is still here and now the prediction for rain that was up there earlier for tomorrow is gone. Now we have no clouds and moonshine. I wonder how my laundry is doing outside. I may have to bring it inside if my other laundry on the drying rack is dry. At least that will be a job I can do. Oh good! Never did a housewife get so excited about laundry, but that is because it means clean clothes for me to wear and I'm all for having a large choice of them.

Right, this diva is returning to her regular housewife status, but don't think I'm really a regular housewife, because I'm not. I'm wearing Turkish pants and how many housewives do you know outside Turkey who do? It's been a treat to pass the time with you, but I really must go do something sensible now. I only wish it weren't so cold and dark by the clothesline.

Have a good evening, do all the things I would do and then some.

Ciao,
Nora

Sunday in the wee hours.

I went to bed at 7 pm last night. I was so tired and basically all I had done all day was sit behind the computer, but I suppose that can wear you out also. I read my book for just a little while and then went to sleep and slept for eight hours, which I think is pretty darn good. I was surprised when I looked at the alarm clock and saw what time it was when I woke up. Of course, it is still early in the morning, but that just leaves me a lot of time to sit here behind the computer and have wonderful cups of coffee and cigarettes and do as I please until the day really starts. By that I mean, when the sun comes up and I have to get dressed and walk the dog and do a serious task instead of just sitting here enjoying myself.

It is only -7C outside, so not as cold as it was the night before last. Cold enough for the heater to go on every once in awhile, so it is nice and pleasant in the apartment. I have some lights on so I don't sit here in the dark too much, I mean not only with the desk lamp on, and it is very cozy. It makes me feel safe and comfortable, as if all is well with the world for right now. You do have to get your small moments of joy out of the day as much as possible and you have to find them in the little things that are very near and dear to you, such as being in your own safe and quiet space with the lights on and the cold and dark world outside. It makes you appreciate being warm and comfortable very much.

The dog is always where I am. Every once in a while he goes and finds a more comfortable place to lie down, but he always returns here to lie beside me on the rug, as if he is attached to me by an invisible cord that is unbreakable. I find such loyalty very endearing and I always find myself looking at him sleep and being so taken with that. A dog is such an innocent animal and so totally dependent on you. I always have to be steadfast and true to him, so as to not confuse him and to always make him feel secure and make his life predictable. Sometimes he gives me that look as if to say, "Is everything okay? Yes? Alright then!" Then he continues to do whatever he was doing. He assumes he is safe and safe he is, especially now that he is as good as deaf and doesn't see well. He gets treated with extra special care.

I have a good camera, but I sure do forget to use it a lot. I don't think I have even photographed my last two paintings. I must remember to do that and show those on my art blog. I always have my camera in my purse, but then forget all about it. I am not an opportunity photographer. I don't walk around the world seeing good shots. I would only do that if I had my camera in my hand and consciously thought about it. It is really a shame, because I'm probably missing all sorts of photo opportunities. Then again, maybe photography doesn't come to me naturally, or I would do it more instinctively. I think some people have a real gift for it and see the world the way you would see it through the lens of a camera constantly. Every once in a while I see a scene that I think would make a good photograph, but then I forget that I have my camera right in my purse and that I can take a photo right then and there. I suppose I haven't developed the freedom to do that and the instincts to go with it. I'm too inhibited. I guess if I have to make a resolution for the New Year, it is to use my camera more often, although I'm not a great believer in resolutions, because very often they are false promises you make to yourself. It is my intention to use my camera more often, let's put it that way. If I actually do it is something we will have to wait and see about.

It's the same way with doing art. I haven't done any at home for quite awhile. Now, I know why this is. I'm missing some essential ingredients to make the things I want to make, but still, that's only partly an excuse. I can't seem to get into art making at home the way I do at therapy. Of course, I don't have the right place to do it, except for the dining table where I always have to clean everything up immediately or else the cats will walk all over it. I have to get a table and a good lamp to put in my bedroom and get the other ingredients that I need to be able to make the art I want to create. If I was really interested, I would be getting this done, but it is like so many other things. I postpone it indefinitely, as if it is going to happen by itself some day magically, forgetting that I have to be the moving force behind it. I think I'm waiting for that spark of inspiration and interest to hit me. The one that will set me on fire a little bit. The one that makes me manic, without actually becoming fully manic.

So, you see I'm not living up to my potential in many ways and that is because of my very low energy level. Because I spend more time sitting and getting nothing much accomplished than I do moving about and being engaged in something. I have a big mental block that I can't get past. It's like a huge boulder on the road and I can't get around it, so I idle my time away in front of it. Every day I tell myself that this is the day that it's going to be different, and every day is a repeat of the day before and I achieve hardly anything. A depressed mind is a terrible thing to carry around with you. It is heavy and burdensome and nothing but a frustrating load to bear.

But now I must be cheerful, because it's still early in the morning and nothing can touch me yet. I can make myself another cup of coffee and wile away my time a little bit longer. Of course. I have to remember that it's Sunday and a day of rest and that not much bad can happen to you on a Sunday. It's everybody's day off. Even the tax office, whose blue envelope I have lying unopened on the coffee table and which I will open today. A blue envelope is never any good. That's why it's colored blue, so you won't miss it in the mail and say you didn't get it. I'm not going to worry about it. Whatever bad news is in there, I will deal with. They are not the evil stepmother and I am not a helpless Snow White. There is no Prince Charming in this story.

It would be ever so nice if there were a Fairy Cleaning Crew that would come and Micro Clean the apartment. I have a feeling that if it were clean once and for all, I would be able to keep it clean, but maybe that is a delusion. It is nice to believe in fairy tales, though. Maybe I need some wicked step sisters to put to work while I go to the ball. Oh no, that would be too much work. I would have to get all jazzed up in my finest and wear high heels and a low cut dress. I don't think so in this weather. Not unless I got to wear a fake fur coat that was especially warm.

Well, I guess that's about it for me for this morning. I hope I've kept you pleasantly entertained. I've kept myself entertained, that's for sure. It made the time pass quickly and I still can do all sorts of things.

I hope you all have a good morning and the best of days, this Sunday before Christmas.

Ciao,
Nora

Sometimes...

I have inadvertently pushed on some buttons, and now the text in the 'create a post' is very bold and the text of my blog is very little, so that I can barely read it with my reading glasses on. If anyone knows a solution, please let me know. I hope it shows up normally for you. I have just increased the size of the text in fonts and colors, so you'll have to let me know how big it shows up on your side. Grrr... if only I knew what I did. I rested my wrists on the keyboard and then it happened.

I took my sleeping pill early last night while I sat on the sofa in my pajamas and bathrobe and fell asleep there until the phone rang. I answered it very incoherently, hardly able to remember who I was. It was my friend Joost and we had a very unsuccessful conversation, because I was almost unable to form complete sentences. All I said was yes and no. So after awhile I told him that I had to hang up and that I would cal him back today. It just was no good talking to me, because I could not react properly to what he told me and I thought I was rather rude, although I told him what the problem was.

I went straight to bed after that, only to wake up at 3:30 AM thinking I was wide awake again. This turned out to be a false alarm, because after a mug of coffee and reading some blogs, I laid down on the sofa and was asleep again in seconds and slept for a few more hours until the doorbell rang. It was my old neighbor lady who did not know how to work the digital thermostat in her apartment and indeed, it was very hot in there, like a tropical green house, as a matter of fact. So I showed her how to turn it down to an acceptable level, but I think she didn't trust herself to do it right, because she asked me if I could come over to reset it again when they went away to stay in their caravan.

Now, I still haven't walked the Überhund who ate his breakfast, but who is now snoring under the coffee table and I am still sitting here in my bathrobe. Ain't it awful? What's to become of my world? I am really being a slowpoke today. All I can think of is my next mug of coffee.

I think I will finish this in a while after I have done my morning ritual, so see you in a bit.

--------------------

It was gray and wet and almost drizzling outside. Very optimistic weather! Actually, it was the kind of weather that makes you long to walk on a big wide beach where the dog can run around and where the sea is but a few yards away from you, but calm and at rest with small waves that have just a little bit of foamy heads on them. Such as the North Sea on a quiet day when there is hardly any wind. It's too bad that the Überhund will probably never see the sea. It's a long drive from here. It's nice to fantasize about, though. You do have to live in your head sometimes.

The other fantasy is to walk in a great big forest and there are enough of them around here. It's just a question of getting to them. I am going to have to use my imagination.

I can definitely say that I'm not hypomanic anymore now, because I feel like a sloth. I hope those weren't my famous last words. Really, I'm having such a hard time to get motivated, even writing this post is taking me forever. I think I'll talk myself into doing some housework instead and see if I can get the day started properly that way.

I have an appointment with my SPN this afternoon and by that time I need to know what sort of a mood I am in. I can only find out if I get the proverbial show on the road now.

Have a good day, everyone.

Ciao...

I've slept well...

I've slept well and, although it is a little bit early, I've slept enough, because I spent the better part of yesterday evening asleep on the sofa curled up in my pajamas and my red cozy bathrobe. It was so pleasant and only occasionally was I aware of the TV and the Überhund who pushed his wet nose against my hand to be petted, which I did half asleep.

He always figures out a way to be petted by me by pushing against the hand that is hanging over the edge of the sofa and nudging it until I react in some way. He knows that if he is persistent, I will start petting him automatically. One cat was laying on my stomach, purring very merrily, as unmovable as a rock in a meadow. You see how even in my sleep I perform a function for the animals.

I'm very glad that the Überhund doesn't need to be taken out for his late night walk anymore, because it means that after his 6 o'clock walk, I can put on my pajamas and get comfortable. Sometimes he needs a piddle out back before I go to bed, but more often he doesn't and in the morning he is in no hurry as long as I let him out back first. Then he can wait forever for me to get done and he just lies beside me while I sit behind the computer.

When I feel good, sitting behind the computer is one of my favorite things to do. The last two days it was a hard thing to do, but as a rule, I enjoy it very much. I know I am not addicted, however, because in one of my groups there is a woman who really is and it is a very sad thing indeed when you are at the cost of everything and everybody else. When that computer becomes more important than all the other activities and people around you.

The awareness that she is addicted only recently dawned on her, but she is very resistant to change, and very stubborn about it too, and I don't know if she can be cured of it. She is a lot like an alcoholic who needs to be weaned off the bottle. In the meantime, she neglects her family and her dogs and her household and her friends and is in the process of alienating herself from human participation. It's a miracle that she shows up for the therapy groups, because all she wants to do is be at home and sit behind the computer. You learn a lot from listening to a person like that and you think, "There but for the grace of God go I."

Oh yes, today is Saturday again. Well, I'll be darned, another week has flown by. I want to say, another jam packed week, because I think a lot of things happened. New glasses coming up, I am starting in a new therapy group and I've started a new anti psychotic medication. You see that even in a life as dull as mine, things happen.

It's impossible to not have things happen when you are alive and out there in the world in whatever capacity, unless you are holed up in you apartment and never go out. If my reading glasses hadn't broken, I wouldn't have put on my regular glasses and I wouldn't have realized how bad my eyes really were. So, a bus trip down town solved that problem. If I were a recluse, I wouldn't have gotten onto that bus. And if I didn't go to my ergo and creative classes, I wouldn't have known how much I needed that other therapy class. And if I weren't such a stubborn woman, who knew better because of her interaction with other people, I would have taken the other medication and there would not have been a peep out of me. I would have blamed it all on myself and my circumstances. Instead, I was insistent and opened my big mouth.

I think being insistent is very important when you are dependent on any kind of a system. When you threaten to become a number instead of a human being. It's so important to always stick up for yourself and to be like a terrier and take a bite and not let go. Always make noise and persist and try to win, even if you loose in the end. At least you will have done your darn best and fought the system. The system has an attitude and a haughtiness that always need to be challenged. I had to argue with my psychiatrist about the medication. It was a friendly argument, but I argued nevertheless.

----------------

Bbbrrr...it's cold out there. I just took the Überhund for a walk and it's freezing outside. It is -4 degrees Celsius and all the cars have a layer of ice on them, but today the sun is supposed to be shining all day. At least that will be cheerful.

I think the Exfactor has taken my bike keys with him again, because I don't see them anywhere. He must have left them in his pocket after he did the groceries, just like he did the last time. That means he will have to come by today to drop them off, because he has to be in town anyway. That, by the way, is no big thrill to me. I like it when he comes by, but sometimes we have no conversation material and we are left without anything to talk about.

My fantasy still takes a run with me when I'm outside and I imagine the most horrible scenarios. I imagine them from the beginning until the end and they are never good. That means the medication is not yet working properly, but my psychiatrist said it would take a few days. I am fine inside. I catch myself now having these long drawn out imaginary thoughts that I get lost in and tell myself to stop it and get back into reality, that none of these things is really happening and that I should not react as if they are. Once I'm inside again, they are all gone, so that is an improvement.

Well, that's all I have to share with you right now. Have a great day, whatever your kind of weather.

Ciao..

Where I should be.

At 7 PM I put on my pajamas and bathrobe and turned on the TV. Then I promptly fell asleep until about midnight. Now I am sitting here yawning with a mug of decaf and a cigarette, waiting to see what will happen next. Will I be sensible and go to bed, or will I be stubborn and stay up and, like my cats are doing, getting into all sorts of mischief? I think I will end up on the sofa again after a while, where I will drag myself once my sleeping pill starts working and I stop making sense.

There is nobody here to warn me if I stop making sense, though. I could be typing all sorts of nonsense and not be aware of it and push the publish button and forever make a fool out of myself...

...well, to prevent that from happening, I went back to the sofa and promptly fell asleep again until 8 AM. I think that was the most sensible thing to do. Now that I've got the heater going all the time, it is so nice and pleasant inside that it makes it very comfortable to be anywhere and to fall asleep anywhere. I'm supposed to turn it off at night, but I failed to do so last night and it has been toasty warm here and I only wore my bathrobe and didn't even need a blanket. I worry about my energy bill, yes I do.

The Überhund is snoring away by my feet and has given no inclination that he needs to go outside. Speaking of bladder control! He is most adorable when he lies by my feet this way with his head on his paws, because he looks like a stuffed animal and you just want to pick him up and kiss him all over the place. He would be mighty surprised if I did that!

The cats are sitting silently in the kitchen with a bit of an accusatory attitude, because their food dishes are empty and I am ignoring them. They have no real idea of what it is like to go hungry, because there is always food. Now they act like they are patiently suffering and it is all my fault. Some people make their cats fast one day a week, because they say that in the wild animals don't eat every day either. Well, neither do people, do they? Let them drink only water for 24 hours.

Oh goodness, today is Saturday, well, hurray! It's always a little bit festive when it is the weekend. I am officially excused from being a responsible adult. You think I am during the week too, don't you? Well, nothing could be further from the truth. I take this business called living very seriously.

The truth is that I deal in a lot of escapism, because otherwise, the weight of the world would drag me down. The gravity of it would pull me splat down to the ground, never to get up again. Therefor, I very often feel that I am playing a role in a film and that none of this is real, or that I am only a figment of someone's imagination and that all of this is a dream or a fantasy someone is having. Maybe a character named God, but not as we know him from the bible. Or her and she is rather careless and playful in a painful way. Well, maybe that is exactly as we know God from the bible. From the Old Testament.

What is reality is an interpretation, isn't it? Unless you are faced with such cruelty, that you find yourself in a nightmare that you can't get out off, where you are being held against your will. But what does my reality look like?

I live a fairly safe life and nothing really horrible is going to happen to me today. I don't face war or famine or murder or rape. The worst things that are likely to happen are the confusions that take place in my own head and they can be pleasant or unpleasant. They can change the way I interpret my reality. If that happens to be in a pleasant way, then there is very little stress that I am going to undergo and I will feel that I've had an excellent day, regardless of what happened to my fellow human beings on that particular day. My reality, or my take on it, was fine, there was no problem. If there was a problem, I saw it as a minor blip on the radar, like a mosquito that I splatted with one hand.

If the confusion in my head turns unpleasant, then that day will be experienced as a very unpleasant day and all the events that happen in it will be interpreted negatively. I will see doom and damnation and the end of the world nearby. I will see the suffering of my fellow human beings and identify strongly with them in a totally ineffective way, because I am not capable of doing anything productive. I will suffer and cry and face fear. Only because something in my head is telling me that this is how I see reality now.

So you see, what is reality is an interpretation. At least, what is my reality. If war breaks out tomorrow, we will have a common reality. At least, the Dutch people and I will have. God forbid, maybe all of us will.

Very often I live on the edge of hypomania or I am in fact hypomanic. That colors my point of view on my world. I am very grateful that I can live in this state of existence, because I know the alternative state. I couldn't have made it through the first four months of my separation if it hadn't been for the state of my hypomania. It made everything very easy. My reality was altered through rose colored glasses. When the hypomania ended, my view on my reality changed and I suddenly became a needy and sad little person before I found my balance again. Is it any wonder that I pray for a little bit of hypomania? Which reality would you rather face?

Well, I suppose I am trying to explain something very basic about myself and maybe about other people as well. I don't know how people without my particular disability go through life. I don't know how it is to live without mood changes that are as arbitrary as the November weather. I've been this way my whole life.

In the meantime, the Überhund is still laying here and not a peep out of him. I have gotten a new mug of coffee and fed the cats, but I guess he is not interested in going out. I think he is really getting old, because he sleeps so much. We make a good pair, the two of us.

There is nothing better than a fresh mug of coffee and a cigarette. All of you who don't smoke will disagree with me, but believe me, to me this is heaven.

Well, that's enough of my sermon on the mount. I've got to get the day started, whether or not the Überhund is ready. Have a great day and be good for goodness sake.

Mwah!

I was going to...

I was going to tell you about my hot water heater and how it had been on the blink since Saturday and how I had been without hot water to do the dishes and to shower and how I had been unable to heat the apartment in the evenings. I got it to work temporarily once by banging on it really hard, but that only worked one time. I know what is wrong with it, but I am unable to fix it myself and need the hot water heater man to come and do it for me, and he has been called today and will show up some time tomorrow. Tonight, after I came back from walking the Überhund, I was cold and out of habit, turned up the thermostat and the hot water heater started up. Can you believe it? It is a freak occurrence and it will not do it again unless I give it the proper bang, but at least the apartment got warmed up. I am ever so grateful for that.

So, that was the story about the hot water heater and imagine always having to go without it and always having to heat water on the stove. Bbbrrr...

I am between moods. I can rightfully say that and know that I am not fooling you or me, because it is completely true. I am neither here nor there and it is an interesting place to be in. It was interesting this morning when I was at creative therapy and I realized at some point that I had forgotten to take all of my medications before I left the house that morning. Nothing realy awful happened, except that I got a little rowdy towards the end, but then so did everybody else and I don't know if that was through my instigation or if they were just in the mood to be that way themselves, but we had fun. We fooled around a lot as if we were real crazy people. When you are really crazy, you can do that.

I'd like to tell you that I took my medication immediately when I got home, but I didn't, because I was distracted by several items that came in the mail and then I walked the Überhund. By this time, the world was starting to take on a bit of a surrealistic glow and I knew I would have to remember to take my pills as soon as I got home, but for some reason I forgot them again and got side tracked doing something else. When I completely lost my ability to remember what I was doing, I remembered that I had not taken them and then I did with a tall glass of juice, because I figured the sugar would be good for my brain and set me straight quickly. Then I sat on the sofa for half an hour and did nothing while I waited for the pills to start to work a bit before I was off on some half baked job that I would be unable to complete because of lack of concentration.

So, that was the story about the pills. I need my pills and not taking any of them all at once is not a good idea.

I got such an affectionate welcome from the Überhund when I got home. It was as if he literally wanted to physically bond with me, because he got as close as he could get and didn't want to stop being petted. I always make a big deal out of greeting him, as if it is the most important thing I can be doing at the moment and, let's face it, it really is. It is like coming home to your child and giving it all the attention it needs. I hope that I was that way when my children were little, I seem to remember that I was, but time may have distorted my memory. I loved the children so much, I loved them to distraction, but you can never let them know how much you love them, because you have to set them free.

Once I am half way through the day and past it, after I have been gone to my therapies and have taken care of some odds and ends when I get back to the apartment, I never feel like cleaning or vacuuming or doing anything important that is going to make it look like an industrious Hausfrau lives here. I just can't be bothered. I tidy up a bit and make it look as if somebody cleaned it in a hurry with a lick and a promise. There is always the everlasting battle with the dog hair and the grit that somehow always gets walked into the apartment by the Überhund and the cats who don't know how to wipe their feet on the rug by the door.

If I want to clean properly, I have to start first thing in the morning. That's when I am in the right mood, but I know I have to make a list of things I have to do that I haven't gotten around to yet, for one reason or another. Mostly because I keep putting them off for some rainy Tuesday. As if you can wash windows on rainy Tuesdays. Pretending the Queen is going to come over for a cup of tea doesn't work anymore, because even I have stopped believing in that fantasy. I've become such a realist lately. I don't care who comes over to see my unwashed bedroom windows. Well, maybe if it were Harrison Ford...yes, yes...whenever I think I don't like men anymore, I think about Harrison Ford naked and I wonder if he is well built.

So, anyway, I had to take a nap this afternoon, because I became completely incapable of functioning with all my gears running properly. I laid down on the sofa and the Überhund thought it meant that I was going to rub his belly, but I was unable to keep my eyes open. Sometimes you just need to sleep for a little while in order to function properly again. I find that when I can't think straight, it is usually because I need to sleep and not because I am going crazy. Sleep is a great big healing machine.

When I woke up, the Überhund was right there, nudging me with his nose, because it was time to go for a walk. Apparently he had been waiting patiently for me to wake up. When we got outside, for a change, it wasn't so awfully cold like it has been and it was almost pleasant to be outside, although still wrapped up in a scarf and jacket.

An awful lot of leaves are falling of the trees now and people are sweeping themselves silly and it makes no difference at all when you live on a street with tall majestic oaks. The street cleaning machine was out there too, cleaning the parking spaces, but it is all in vain, because next week there will be new layers of leaves. It is very pretty and like snow, because you can shuffle through them and the Überhund thinks there is food hidden in them. He may be right, god only knows what's underneath them. Old people especially like to keep their bit of the sidewalk clean and you see them furiously pushing a broom ahead of them, doing battle with the leaves that continue to drop down around them and then they don't know what to do with the huge pile they've collected, except to leave it there in the corner of a parking space.

I've had 3 cookies and 2 slices of raisin bread today and I am not hungry yet. I am going to make a triple portion of Cup a Soup in a while and I make that with little hot water so that the soup gets real thick. It's delicious. I have to find my joys in food wherever I can.

I would tell you about the Tax Office, but I am not in the mood now, so I'll tell you about that some other time. You can't get all the suspense at once.

The day has gone by so quickly, but then it seems that when you get older time sort of speeds by. This morning I had to convince myself for about 10 minutes that it really was Monday already and I was too late putting out the trash. During those minutes of doubt and me not paying attention, the trash man came and silently took all the neighbors' trash. How could I have missed all that noise?

Well, that's enough for me for today. It's been a ramble and I have enjoyed it. I could go on and on writing about whatever pops up in my head, but then you would all get bored and I would not get to my soup.

I am going to very cozily turn on the TV and hope for an English thriller or something in that genre. Silent Witness has been especially good and I always try to remember when it is on, but very often miss it.

Ciao...