Behaving myself...

I'm to the point now that I can't imagine living with other people. I'm so set in my ways and so used to solitude and silence that it would bother me to give it up. I find the greatest peace and quiet in my own company and I can only stand to share my space with the animals. Having other people around for any length of time would definitely cramp my style.

This maybe makes me sound like a misanthrope, but I'm not an unkind person. I'm easy to get along with as long as I don't have to have a real close relationship with anybody. I do keep a certain amount of distance always. I don't want anyone to sit on top of me emotionally. I'm uncomfortable if a relationship becomes too close. I need lots of breathing space and to feel free. 

Time by myself is what I treasure most. If I fill that with nothing but sitting in my armchair and enjoying the sound of silence, then that's all the better. It's what gives me the peaceful feeling. I realize now that I can't live with anyone else. It's my own company that I enjoy the most. 

I've had a most pleasant day, but I can't say that I've done anything specific with it. What I do know is that the overall feeling was one of peacefulness and that's the most important thing. At not one point did I feel stressed. If I can achieve that, I feel very lucky indeed and whatever the magic formula is, I want to keep applying it. I want to repeat this kind of a day as many times as I can.

I don't think I want another person in my life to complicate that. It's much easier to work out the magic ingredients if you are on your own. It's fairly smple to calculate in a dog and a cat. That's not a problem. Besides, they provide the necessary humor and love. And I do know that another person would bring out the worst in me, at least the person I would end up with. I haven't been able to pick the right one yet. 

So it's with a feeling of satisfaction that I look forward to the end of the day. I can rest easily and be content. It was a day to be happy about. Not all days go that well, but it's what I strive for and I'm very glad when I succeed. 

Ciao,
Irene

Getting my two cents worth in...

I feel a great sense of liberation and I don't know eaxactly why that is. I've had the feeling since yesterday evening when I had a sense of lightness fall over me and suddenly everything became very uncomplicated. It's just a shift of mood inside myself and doesn't have much to do with reality because nothing has shifted there. There's not suddenly been a change in my circumstances and nothing has been altered. It's my own attitude that's changed. 

I do welcome this and will not complain about it. I'd be a fool to. I very much enjoy this lighthearted, uncomplicated feeling. My heart really does feel light and fluttery. As if there are butterflies caught in it. And there is freedom in my mind. I'm not bogged down by negative thoughts and dark notions. The sun may not be shining outside, but it's bright inside my head, even now in the darkness of the night. I must have done something especially right and the planets must be ligned up correctly.. I can't explain it any other way. 

It may have something to do with the size 10 skinny jeans that I ordered and that arrived yesterday and that fit me perfectly. My other skinny jeans had gotten too big on me and were sliding down my hips and were too big around my butt. I took the chance and assumed that size 10 would be the size that would fit me next and I was right. They fit like a glove and I'm much pleased. 

On top of that, my sister had a cardigan that she bought that was just a bit too big on her, but that fit me well and that matches my jeans really well also, so I've got a totally new outfit. I like nothing better than new clothes, especially unexpected ones, so I was a happy camper. The cardigan is dark blue which is a color I don't often buy, but which matches me well and makes my blue eyes look bluer. What more could I want?

I redid my nails after three of them had gotten chipped again and I figured they were so vulnerable because I applied two layers. So when I reapplied the nail polish, I only put on one layer and assume it will stay on better. It will be easier to fix anyway if they do get chipped. It doesn't nearly take as much work to apply and dries quickly. 

I also think my nails are getting stronger and that may be because of the calcium tablets I've been taking every day. It would be wonderful if they worked and kept my nials from splitting. I do have to get a decent nail file as that is something I don't have in my possession. That shows you my shortcomings in the femininity department. I never before saw the sense of one because I always cut my nails short. Now, of course, I want longer nails to show off the polish.

Silver hairs are starting to show up all over my head and sparkle at me when I stand in the bathroom in front of the mirror. They twinkle at me like bright little stars. I don't mind one bit because it makes my blond hair look lighter. I'm not vain enough to want to cover them up with hair color. Maybe if I were a brunette I would care more. I'm sure it's more of a shock to your system then. I do apply make up to my very light eyebrows and eyelashes. That gives my face just a little more expression. 

Lest you think I'm totally self centered, I have to tell you that I possibly am. I think the world does revolve around me. At least on this blog I do. It's not like that in real life, of course. I do play second fiddle on most occasions. I'm not anybody of real importance and really don't count in the larger scheme of things. That's why it's so nice to be the center of attention here. I can't tell you all the times when I'm not. 

Today is going to be a very relaxed day. Outside it's going to storm and be a wet and cold day. I'm not planning on going anywhere except to walk the dog. I'll be inside most of the day where it will be warm. 

And now I'm going back to bed to finish sleeping, hopefully until late in the morning. 

Have a nice day you all. 

Ciao,

Nora

Better get it straight from the beginning...

It's ever so pleasant to sit here with my cup of coffee in the middle of the night and to think that I'm the only person up in a radius of one kilometer. It's very necessary that I pretend that, otherwise I would not nearly feel the amount of freedom that I do now. I assume that anyone who is up, is also doing so quietly and reverentially in honor of the hour and the solemness of the darkness. He or she must be a fellow nighttime worshiper.

I'm making this statement with some amount of irony, in case that was not obvious. I'm really making fun of myself. I do have a tendency to take these nighttime sessions when I'm supposed to be asleep very seriously and give them more importance than they deserve. I need to lighten up about them and think of them in more humoristic terms. They are not as holy as I make them out to be. As a matter of fact, they are merely times out in my quest for sleep. 

I've switched from coffee to ice cold milk and the drinking of it will change my general attitude. The coldness always works on my frontal lobes. I think that's where the regulation of your emotions is. I probably freeze them and they go into shock. A general sort of malaise and giddiness comes over me. Of course, it all could be in my imagination, although I'm generally well grounded and not given to flights of fancy. At least, that's my own personal impression of myself.

It's with some amount of pleasure that I sit here because today is Friday and that means that it's almost the weekend which still is the part of the week that I enjoy the most and don't ask me why. It just is so.Today the Exfactor will be here and the domestic help and the day will go by quickly. At the end I will have groceries and a clean apartment and what better way to start the weekend? It's the little things like this that are so important to me. 

I'm going to wear something completely different today. Clothes that have just come out of the laundry and that I've looked forward to wearing. I love wearing freshly washed clothes and always feel like a new person in them. This outfit is especially good because it's almost brand new and hardly worn. The newness of it is still exciting. I can get so into my clothes at times, but I'm glad that I still care enough. It's when I stop caring that I'll start to worry. 

I've got to go back to bed. I need to get the rest of my sleep before the Exfactor shows up in the morning. I must get showered and dressed before he gets here. That's quite a feat. I don't know if I'll make it. I'm on the slow side in the morning and can't be rushed. I do need to sit in my bathrobe for a while and drink some coffee. 

I hope you'll all have a good day. 

Ciao,

Nora

Trying it one more time...

I wrote such a dull post last night, that I feel that I have to give it another shot and try to improve on it with another post. I don't know yet if this one is going to turn out any better, but I'm going to make a sincere attempt. I can always delete it if it turns into nothing at all, said I, the wisest woman on the block. Ahem...

First I had to make myself a decent pot of coffee instead of drinking a cup of this heated up old coffee that wasn't doing a thing for me. I do need a sufficient supply of mind strengthening beverages when I want to blog well. This task is not to be taken on lightly. I do realize the seriousness of the attempt.

It's best to go on automatic pilot and to write without giving it too much thought. I can edit later. I will rely on my stream of consciousness. Of course, I'm assuming I'm in the possession of such a gift. I must not be waylaid by such concerns and pretend that I am. I possess a huge amount of consciousness and will now put it to work for me, come hell or high water.

Of course, the minute I try, I become stuck for words showing all my inhibitions. I'm a mere human being after all. I used to think I had great meditative qualities and that I could subconsciously make my mind do whatever I pleased. I wanted to reach nirvana and be one with the greater secret of the universe. I never did achieve that state but I had fun trying. 

Now I don't seriously meditate anymore, except that I regularly contemplate my navel while seated in my armchair. I no longer try to reach that blissful state of heavenly existence. That to me is too much like being in a hypo-manic condition. I avoid that if at all possible. I don't want to feel detached from the earth and take on wings. I need to be very much grounded. I would be a fool to attempt bliss. 

Being grounded in reality is my ultimate goal and where I feel most comfortable. That way I can't pull the wool over my own eyes. I always have to face up to the way things really are. Or at least my own perception of them in as straight a manner as I can think about them. Although I am steeped in realism, I do think I sometimes look at the world through rose colored glasses, but who doesn't? 

You'd have to be a fool not to because it would break your heart to look at it any other way all the time. I can't be that callous and continue to live comfortably with myself. You must be allowed to escape from the harsh reality of life. We all do that each in our own way. 

Basically I'm an optimist who sees the glass half full but sometimes even I have my doubts about that. I tend to find the cause of that altered point of view in my own personal make up but isn't it equally likely that it comes from outside causes? How much does environment play a role in how we perceive the world and ourselves?

I did not mean for this to turn into such a philosophical post, but that's what you get when you let your stream of consciousness take over. I'm always very much aware of the insignificant role I play in this world and my large thoughts about it. Under different circumstances I could have played a more influential role, but fate did not decree that. 

I've had my cups of coffee and am fully awakened. Now it is my job to get tired again for a little while because I have to sleep for a few more hours. I will have to drink a glass of warm milk. That usually does the job. The domestic help is coming this morning and I do have to be up on time to let her in. That means I have to be dressed on time too.

Thank good it's Friday again. It will blissfully be the weekend. I say that as if it matters all that much. My weekdays are not bad anymore and I have no real reason to look forward to the weekend so much. It's just the idea of it and the potential freedom. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Both feet on the ground...

One good thing about having quit almost all the tranquilizers is that I no longer sit here in the middle of the night higher than a kite and getting even more so because I'm drinking coffee. Nowadays, I'm pretty down to earth and mostly myself and not under the influence. 

At least, hardly any at all. I will stop taking the last tranquilizer tonight (Tuesday) when I go to bed. I will notice that I did for the first couple of days and will be a little bit off course, but I will recuperate soon enough and being off course doesn't have to be all unpleasant (I may be a little exuberant). 

It's a relief not to be high because I thought that was intrinsic to me and it's nice to find out that it was because of the tranquilizers. It certainly took me long enough to put two and two together. I always thought I was in a hypo-manic state in the middle of the night. 

It's a pleasure to find out that I'm not and that I'm as normal as anybody else. Especially since there's not such a huge difference compared to how I am when I wake up in the morning. I'm not like two different people.

I woke up yesterday morning to the alarm clock and it agreed with me better than sleeping until I was done sleeping. I think I get too discombobulated when I do that and get too much sleep. 

Waking up to the alarm clock was better, as it made me alert immediately and I felt I had to get into action right away and plan my moves. I have set the alarm clock for this morning too, even though I can sleep late. I just don't want to.

I have opened all the windows in the apartment at the top to air the place out properly and because there's a strong wind blowing due to the tail end of the hurricane that came off the Atlantic Ocean.

There's a strong enough draft blowing through here now and it smells a lot better in the living room. All that stale smoky air is gone. I'm going to keep the windows open this season as long as I can and hope for regular winds. 

It was sunny when I walked the dog yesterday, but because the wind was blowing, it felt quite blustery and I could imagine myself at the seaside. I like this kind of weather. It agrees with me quite well and this is what I like about autumn. 

The wind gives you a sense of freedom. It blows all your dark thoughts away and cleanses you from any worries you may have. I also like the way the sunlight is coming in at a lower angle. It seems less harsh and more comforting. 

I think I'm an autumn type of person and I always forget that about myself. It surprises me every year. Every year I make the same discovery. I should know this by now. I should know that I like the season of my birthday. 

It's time to go back to bed for a while with a glass of ice cold milk.

Have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Hurray for coffee!

Finally, after having been deprived for more than 24 hours, I got to drink coffee again after the Exfactor went to the store for me this afternoon. I could have kissed his whole bald head, but I don't think he would have appreciated that, so I just thanked him from the bottom of my heart.

I tell you, drinking tea just does not do it for me and I sit in a stupor and never get my act together. I think it is the influence of the medication that makes it so. It must be a side effect that makes me feel so lethargic. 

When the Exfactor walked in with the coffee, I made a pot as quickly as I could and poured us both a cup as soon as it was ready. After I had the first cup, I started feeling ever so much better. It was a difference between night and day and my whole mood improved. I could finally smile again.

It's very important that I don't run out of coffee again and at someone else's good suggestion, I'm going to put instant coffee on my shopping list for emergencies. Not that I like the flavor of it that much, but really, it will be the caffeine that I'll care about. That's what I'm going to need the most.

Today is another warm and sunny day, but I'm not making the mistake of taking the dog for another long walk like I did yesterday. Inside the apartment it's fairly cool and the dog has found the best place to lie down and be comfortable. I'm sure he would not appreciate a walk in the hot sun now. Neither would I, no matter how skimpily dressed I am. I'll wait until this evening when it has cooled down a bit. 

I've still got to do some chores, but for some reason I'm not concerned about doing them at all. When I was depressed, these sort of things bothered me very much and I was always very worried about them and about getting them done. Now they seem so unimportant and like they are no problem at all. They are things that are easily done. I suppose that's a true measure of the state of my mind. 

Lots of things weigh a lot lighter now and what I was worried about before, I'm not concerned about one bit now. A big load has fallen off my shoulders. I feel that I have all sorts of breathing space and a bigger sense of freedom. It's okay to be me again. Without me being acutely aware of it, my depression has disappeared like snow under the sun. The black dog is no longer stalking me.

I suppose I should be immensely grateful for that and I am. It's all because of two extra pills that saved my life. And I mean that literally. I now have a future again and another thirty years to live. 

I have to go and change my bed and do a load of laundry. A clean bed will make me look forward to going to sleep tonight. I have clean pajamas too, which makes it even better.

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

The pesky dog strikes again...

The dog has been out back three times already and still he wants to go outside again. I refuse to let him because I don't want to stand by the back door one more time and wait for him to get done with whatever he does in the dark out there. 

So I have to ignore him, even though he looks at me with pleading brown eyes that will melt your heart. I have to be tough, but it doesn't come easy. He's such a sweet little animal. I know that every move I make will give him hope. 

Needless to say, it's in the middle of the night and I've already slept my requisite hours for now. Because it's Saturday, I feel that I can be very careless and not worry about when I go back to bed and how late I will sleep this morning, but it will probably be just like any other day. 

It's just an illusion that the weekend days are different than the weekdays. It's all in my mind. I just have a sense of freedom that I actually can have during the week most of the time too, unless I have an appointment and those don't happen all that frequently. 

I must somehow gain the same sense of liberation during the week that I have on the weekends, except that I don't know yet how to do it. I always feel that the sword of Damocles hangs over me during the week and that anything at all can happen and I prepare for the worst, leaving my stomach tied up in knots a lot. 

I realize that I have to learn to relax more and to apply the techniques that I have learned in yoga more often. I do that quite a bit, but I think I forget to at some crucial moments. I think the nap that I take during the afternoon is the thing that helps me get through the day. If it weren't for that, I would carry a lot more stress with me. 

Absolutely nothing of interest at all was on TV last night, so I made it a short night and went to bed early. I very cozily laid under my warm duvet with the cover with little red roses on it and listened to the radio. The dog and the cat cavorted on the bed for a while before they settled down. 

They don't care if I'm lying in it. They just stumble right over me. I'm just an obstacle to get over that's in the way of them. They do, after a while, calm down and find their spot to lie down next to me. That's when I can go to sleep properly. 

We have nothing but cold and rainy weather to look forward to for a while. I'm not sure how I feel about this and I don't know if the weather is affecting my outlook. I don't mind that the temperatures are cool, but I think that I do miss the sunshine.

I'm looking forward to lying in bed and listening to the rain come down. To me that is the coziest sound. It is one of the pleasures of life. 

I hope you'll all have a good morning and a splendid day. 

Ciao,

Nora

More coffee, please!

I'm brewing a pot of coffee and I have to be patient for just a little while. It will be done in the shortest amount of time. That's the drawback of having an ordinary coffeemaker, that you do have to wait, even if it really isn't for such a long time, but I am a modern human being and I want instant gratification. It's as simple as that. Even I at my age am a product of this era and I want everything available instantly.

That makes me sound like an impatient person and I'm really not. I can have infinite amounts of patience and wait endlessly for some things, but when it comes to the little comforts in life, I guess I'm not patient at all.

In the meantime, I have my cup of coffee and I can get on with things. I don't want to get bogged down in a treatise about patience and the virtue thereof and the benefits for those who wait. Much has been written about it already. You sure don't need my two cents worth on it. 

I've slept well, but I don't know if I've slept long enough. I had some trouble falling asleep last night and I got up after lying in bed feeling very bored and trimmed the hair around Tyke's eyes so he would be able to see better. I imagined that he was very grateful for that and as a result he wanted lots of cuddles and petting, so I laid in bed and provided that for half an hour.

My stomach was upset because of the fruit juice that I had just before I went to bed and I was forced to drink a glass of milk to settle it. That did help. I listened to an interesting political discussion on the radio and slowly drifted off to sleep. I won't get into the long, drawn out subject of the political discussion. A not so popular solution was found to solve a problem that could have ended the majority rule of the government. The opposition is digging in. Swords are being sharpened. There will be a debate. It will lead to nothing. 

That's not such an upbeat subject to blog about. Let's change it to something else. 

Contrary to what I thought, I don't have any appointments today, so today is a day off. I will do laundry and take a shower and wash my hair and generally try to stay out of trouble. I think I will go back to bed in a while and sleep some more. I have the feeling that I'm not quite done yet. I always do get sleepy after I've taken my morning medication anyway, which I just did. 

I can't drink another sip of coffee, I'm so full. My gastric band must have shifted, because lately I've been getting that feeling quickly. Or maybe I just don't handle coffee as well as I used to. I'll switch to milk and see if that makes any difference.

This is turning into a boring account of nothing special at all, so I'm going to end it now and go back to bed. 

Have a good morning!

Ciao,

Nora

How to get through a minimalistic day.

I didn't go to either appointment I had today. I didn't show up for one and canceled the other. I had excuses, but I think I was just trying to get out of them. I was asleep for one and it was raining for the other, but in reality I was glad that I didn't have to go. I'm not in the mood for human contact and only want to walk the dog and hang out on the sofa to watch the news and other drivel. I hardly want to walk the dog, but I have to. I feel like hibernating and hanging out in my bathrobe.

Nevertheless, I got dressed and fixed up. And I smell good. My Chloe Eau de Toilette got here yesterday.

I don't know why I'm in the mood I'm in except that I seem to not want to make any commitments. I'm trying to get out of things. I want to only stay home and have to do the laundry and the dishes. I don't want anyone to have any requirements of me. I'm scared to death that I will be expected to do something that I will not be able to live up to. More than anything I want my freedom and my very safe life.

I smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and milk and juice. I hang out on the sofa. I watch Tyke and Gandhi play together. I sit and think and I basically feel like I'm escaping some terrible fate. I'm delaying a terrible outcome. I'm going to have to make a commitment to creative classes and I don't want to really do it at all. It's the last thing in the world I want to do. You may as well ask me to make a trip across the North Pole. It would be more adventurous and less confrontational. I feel so much resistance that I think I'm going to give up on the idea all together and bow out as gracefully as I can.

I've gone through a headache and a stomachache since I wrote that and now I'm still anxious 45 minutes later. At least I know my complaints are psychosomatic. I didn't know that in the past and thought I was always getting sick. I'm cured very easily now because it's all nerves and as soon as I realize that things get better.

I'm not a very brave woman and choose the known over the unknown, even if it is less interesting and especially if it is less challenging.

I'm going to hang out on the sofa and pet Tyke.

Ciao,
Nora

Interesting.

It's been an interesting day so far. When I woke up this morning, I realized that my life was really not all that complicated and that the difficulties I saw in it were really due to events that happened in the past, over 16 years ago and much longer, and that it was time to leave all that behind me and concentrate on this life that I have here now, by myself, in the Netherlands. If I look only at that life, a lot of the complications drop away, because, although it is not easy sometimes, it only concerns me and I'm the only one in the end who has to live with myself and the consequences of my disorder and actions resulting thereof. I can disconnect as much as possible from people who would get involved too much and deal with things on my own along with the help of the professionals around me. That way nobody needs to get hurt.

It was a big realization for me. A real "Eureka" moment. To let go of the past and the people in it and to only deal with now. I've talked the talk, but I've never felt it as clearly as I did this morning. It was a great relief. I felt a lot of freedom suddenly. I hope it continues so.

That set me in the right frame of mind to tackle the rest of the day and I immediately did a load of laundry after I wrote my last post. Sheets and towels and the dog pillow cover on 60C with extra detergent to get it real clean. I puttered around the apartment after that and did odd jobs and realized I wanted the furniture back in its original place. I thought it looked cluttered the way it was and I was unhappy about Tyke sitting on top of the sofa in front of the windows, barking at things that went by and dirtying the glass.

The Exfactor came over and went to the hardware store to buy the wood to make a new little gate in the fence, because the other one had rotted off one of the hinges. It needed to be 4 x 4 feet. He built a double frame with plastic coated chicken wire screwed between it and it's perfect. He had a battery powered drill and was done in the shortest amount of time. he put the hinges on and a hook to keep it closed and put it in place and there it was. All finished.

He also went grocery shopping for me and when he came back and we had unloaded everything, I asked him if he would help me move the furniture. I had a plan on what to move in which order and we worked like a finely tuned unit and were done within 20 minutes. I just had to deal with the little details after he left and that was no problem. I enjoyed doing that. I swept and dusted where it was necessary, especially when I moved the area rug, but there are some jobs left for tomorrow and I will do those then.

In the busyness of it all, I almost forgot to walk Tyke and he was mighty relieved when I took him out. The weather is turning warmer and tomorrow we're supposed to have sunshine. It's time to open the windows again and let the fresh air and the street noise in. That's the drawback of having the windows open. That does irritate me. I'm right on top of the sidewalk and the street and all the noise. I don't care for mopeds and scooters and airplanes taking off and landing nearby.

Right, I have to watch the news now. Mustn't miss that in these exciting political campaign times. Next week we vote. You should see the campaign spots on TV.

Ciao,
Nora

Don't spare the wounded.

I've just gotten up for the second time today. I was up earlier this morning and had coffee and answered my emails, but I was way too tired still and went back to bed and had a few more hours of sleep. Now I'm having my second attempt at being awake and hopefully I'll make it this time.

My relationship, if you could even give it that name, with J. has come to an end. I wrote him an email in which I asked for some more things than I was getting now. A date on which I knew he would be by again, longer weekends than just the 24 hours that he came by for, some sort of steady schedule, expressions of love, shared vacations (he was planning his vacation while he was here last), and other tokens of dedication. I got an email back from him saying that he could not give me those things, that he did not want a more steady relationship with me and that he was already having his doubts about the fairness of this one.

I can only say that I feel a great deal of relief and liberation that I don't have to do this "relationship" anymore, because it felt like a lot of emotional work, and when you are in a dysfunctional situation, you start to behave dysfunctionally, which is something I was certainly doing. You try to make your behavior make sense, but somehow it is impossible, which is not that strange, considering that it doesn't make sense and that you should get yourself out of the situation. Thankfully, it didn't take me all that long to figure it out this time. I have stayed in dysfunctional situations longer in the past. Much longer.

I can't blame him for letting me get into the situation I found myself in. He thought he had made himself clear from the start, but I had read something more into it, being a female and having more needs. I thought I could handle what I assumed I was getting into, but my expectations were just a little bit higher than his and they became even higher over this past weekend when I actually fell in love momentarily, although I knew instinctively that I could not allow it. So, I can't say that I have been used, although I do feel that way. But that is because of my own gullibility. I have allowed myself to be used.

And really, he had the time to stay longer this weekend, but he did not, which got my hackles up just a bit, because he was so eager to go home, although he had the rest of the week off. But I was ever so nice and understanding and thought he needed the time on his own. If he was seriously into the "relationship" he would have stayed longer, of course, and we could have done some things "normal" couples do. I was obviously not a priority. You see, underneath it all there is some bitterness.

In the meantime, I've walked the dog and it was dry, although we are supposed to have rain showers today. It is 9C outside, so it isn't too cold at all. If it rains, I should go stand out in it and let it wash all over me and be cleansed by it. Although I doubt I'd have the nerve to stand out there naked as I should. Like a heathen being cleansed by the rain gods.

Well, I guess that's all I have to tell you for now. I've pretty much wasted the afternoon on this subject. Well, not quite, I have some time left to do other things. Like clean up the kitchen. Tomorrow I have to do the groceries on my bike, because my sister is in Italy. I'm so looking forward to that. Not! I also have to go to the post office. It will again be the withdrawal of me from society for a bit. The usual crawling into my hole. Playing peekaboo with the world.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

After seven years...

After about seven years of having a purely platonic relationship without any flirtation or any other innuendos whatsoever, J. and I became lovers this past weekend, out of the blue, with no forewarning whatsoever. I must say, it felt good to feel the arms of a man around me and to be kissed and caressed and to smell another human being from that up close. I relished it over the weekend several times and even though I had a nagging little voice in the back of my head warning me of the potential danger, I chose to ignore it and enjoyed myself.

After J. left late Sunday afternoon, I managed to get my feet closer to the ground and think about what had happened and what the implications could be. Was I ready for an intimate relationship like this and if yes, then who not better to have it with than with your best friend? I thought if I was willing to give up any of my autonomy and I thought that under certain circumstances I might be. J. was a lone wolf like myself and attached to his way of life like I was to mine and would not want to give it up, which I would not want him to. Nor would I be willing to give up my way of life for him, but he had not asked me to. As a matter of fact, we had not discussed one detail.

The next morning, I felt just a bit uncomfortable with the whole situation and decided to ask for clarity, which I did in an email. I asked him what his intentions were. If I was his girlfriend now and if we were in a relationship and if we were going to see each other more often. I knew he had the day off and expected an answer within a reasonable amount of time.

When it did not come, I started to get irritated and realized that I did not want these sort of complications in my life at all. I did not want to have to worry about what my meaning was in somebody's life and where I fit in. I did not want to wait for an answer and sit on pins and needles. I did not want to be dependent on someone else's feelings and actions and timing. I wanted to be free of all that and be an autonomous human being who was solely in charge of her life herself. In the evening I made up my mind to write an email to call the whole thing off, but I wanted to give him a chance to explain himself, so I called him and asked him to please respond to the email I had sent him, which he did shortly thereafter.

He wrote that he loved me as a friend, but was not in love with me, and did not see me as a partner but as a friend with extras and that he was not planning on seeing me more often. That was very clear to me then and I wrote him the email calling the whole thing off and at the same time making an end to our friendship, though it hurt me to do that.

We exchanged a few emails telling each other what fools we had been and how this had ruined a good friendship and his last one to me said that he hoped that when the storm was over maybe we could be friends again. I did not answer that one, because by now I was feeling so very bad and embarrassed for assuming so much. I have been miserable ever since.

Everything in my apartment reminds me of this past weekend and I can't put it out of my mind. I talked about it with my SPN this morning and she thought the solution was to blog about it, although J. had asked me not to do it. I didn't make a promise not to and he doesn't read my blog, so I've done it anyway. I had to get this out in the open. I can't walk around with this and not talk about it.

J. said I made an innuendo at an earlier meeting and it is true. I said I never wanted to be with another man again except if it were someone like him, because he would be perfect, but I didn't mean just for a roll in the hay and that is how he interpreted it. I guess that is what men do. I should have asked what his meaning was right away and not have assumed so much. I was caught up in the moment and the sweetness of it. I haven't been cuddled by anyone for a long time.

I have to get over this and I will do with enough rest and peace and quiet. Sleep will heal me, as it always does. I'm glad I wrote this down, it was important. I got it off my chest and that was necessary. It doesn't do me any good to speak in riddles and vagueness.

Ciao,
Nora

On the sofa...

I went to bed on time and then for some reason woke up at 1 am and thought I had to get up, which I did, and sat behind the computer for a while. Luckily, I did become very sleepy again and I moved to the sofa, where I continued my night of sleep that was so strangely interrupted, and I just woke up and haven't even had a cup of coffee yet, just a glass of juice and that won't cut the mustard, but I don't feel like having any coffee yet, which is strange and odd for me. I may make myself a cup of tea later, but I think I will just have some more juice first.

I'm not at all convinced that I'm truly awake now, but I think I am in some sort of twilight zone between being awake and being half asleep and therefor I should drink some coffee. I have taken my medicines, so I should be in good shape by now, but it isn't dawning in my head yet, as in: dawn isn't happening in my head, although it is daylight outside.

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Well, I ended up going beck to the sofa for a while for some more sleep, because obviously I was not quite coherent yet. I am now drinking a cup of coffee and I'm feeling much more normal. So normal, in fact, that I hardly know what to write. I can't just sit here and put down some blathering sentences, although that may be one method to get the page filled. When in doubt, just tell people what you are doing and something will come of it.

I just opened the back door to a nice cool morning and a church bell that struck the hour of ten. It rained all last night and everything is wet and nice and fresh. The air is clean and crisp and cool and feels good to my skin. I do like these temperatures. It is 18 degrees Celsius.

Then I fed Jesker his breakfast and he protected his bowl from the cats with much growling, because he was hungry and wanted to eat without any interference. He didn't leave one tiny little morsel for them to eat, much to their regret, because they do like dog food. They like to lick the gravy off it. Now they are reduced to sticking their paws in the empty can to try and come up with something. You would think they really have a bad life here and I guess from their point of view they do with no more food in pouches.

I have to go and walk Jesker, I'll be right back...

...Well, we walked around the neighborhood a bit and only the rain stopped us from walking a little bit more. Yesterday, I realized that I did not take my freedom in this world enough qua time and space and I am determined to do that more often now, starting with the dog's walks. I always act like I have a limited amount of time and space to do something in, when in reality the opposite is true and I can take all the time and space I want.

It is a whole mindset that I have to change and I have to liberate myself out off my little box. In reality I have so much freedom and I don't take advantage of it. It's going to have to take a whole change of attitude on my part, but I hope I'm not too old to learn a new way of existing in this world.

I don't have that attitude: The world is my oyster! I'm always getting home as quickly as I can, in the straightest line possible, and once I'm home, I have a tendency to stay put, while I could go out and explore things. Take much longer walks with Jesker for instance. And bring my camera along.

I could also go off on my bike and explore the town and take interesting photographs, but somehow that seems too scary to me, as if that is an adventure that is unimaginable and something I'm not capable of doing. That's the sort of attitude I have to fight. I have to assert my right to do it. My basic human right to move about freely in this world.

You must admit, though, that it is easier when you have a dog. A dog is a good excuse to go places. It's too bad that Jesker has osteoarthritis, because I don't know how far I can take him before we get into trouble. I doubt he can walk to town, although I would love to take him there.

Well, we'll start exploring a bit and see how it goes. Today is as good a day as any.

Freedom, that's what it is all about. To liberate myself out of the little box in my mind.

Have a great day and be out there in the world, unexpectedly in a different place.

Ciao...