Becoming whole...

I would like to sit on top of a hill in a colorful meadow and watch the sun come up right now. The moment is perfect for it. At least, that's how it is with my mood. The weather might not quite co-operate because it is overcast. It would be hard to see a pretty dawn. The sun might be a bit obscured. 

The thought of sitting on a colorful hill is appealing, though. I mean for it to be covered with wildflowers that I would not pick because they would not last long in a vase. Years ago I might have tried that but I've since grown wiser. I'd  leave them where they belong now. 

It is still early in the morning and I've been up for a while. I have no reason to be up already except that I think I'm done sleeping. It's not as if I've got an exciting day ahead of me. I could cry at the thought of the emptiness of it. I will instead try to think of the potential it carries. 

I've got to remember to see the glass half full. 

I can always talk myself into counting my blessings and geting excited about the least little detail in my life that will add some color to it. I'm very good at self delusion, you could say. That is a blessing in itself. I learned to do this as a child when there was a lot of strive around me from which I had to emotionally escape. It wasn't the presence of good experiences that created happiness. It was the absence of bad ones that did it.

I think I will go back to bed and try to sleep some more. The animals are still in a sleepy mode so I may as well also be. 

Have a good Sunday.

Ciao,
Irene

Chilled to the bone...

It's with some amount of pleasure that I sit here with my cup of coffee and my cigarettes at the end of the afternoon. I thought initially that I was going to need a nap but once I had some caffeine in me, I quite perked up and now I feel like a million dollars. I haven't been in such a good mood for quite a while and it is very welcome. I won't analyze it because it's too precious for that. I will just accept it for what it is and enjoy it. 

The coffee tastes very good and I think with this cheap little coffeemaker I can't make a bad cup. It's really a primitive little thing and I really should get a much better one but it does turn out good coffee. I really think it's because of the measuring spoon that it came with. I'm finally getting the amount of ground coffee right. I was putting in way too much before and made coffee that knocked my socks off. 

The domestic help has been here and I can now look forward to the weekend which in my eyes has already started. I have the rest of this day off and I can do with it as I please. I will take advantage of that and totally indulge myself. I do feel I deserve it after a long suffering week of many moods and much stress. I sure as heck don't want to repeat that any time soon. Whose idea was that anyway.? 

The day went by quickly but it always does when you're in a good mood. The time flies by and I didn't get up all that late either. It rained in the morning but I paid it no mind and took the dog out between showers. The grass had been cut and all the buttercups and daisies in the fields were gone. I do dislike that because they looked so cheerful. I thought the buttercups especially looked very nice. 

The sun has come out and it is shining into the living room making it a little bit warmer in here. That does make a difference and I wish it would come out earlier in the day. When it gets chilly, I feel like putting on all my winter clothes and I´m sure it´s the wrong time of the year for that. You want to stay optimistic because it´s May, regardless of what the weather does. You dare the sun to come out and show itself. 

If I were downtown now, I would sit on a café terrace under an umbrella and have a hot chocolate. Then I would participate in our favorite sport and watch the people go by. That reminds me that I haven´t been to the movies in a while and I have no idea what´s showing. I must look on the film theater´s website and see what the latest movies are. 

It´s time to eat. I must feed my body too. I can´t live on coffee alone. 

I hope you´ll all have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Being absolutely mellow...

It's with some pleasure that I sit here in the middle of the night drinking my cup of coffee. I have read the blogs that I'm going to read and now I'm ready for the next phase. That is, of course, writing an interesting enough blog post. I don't know if I'm quite capable of it, but I'm certainly in a good enough mood to try it. There's just the little question of pulling it off. 

I've slept enough for now and feel quite wide awake. It's not that I slept that many hours, but I slept quite intensely and very well. I didn't have any weird dreams to upset my sleep either. That is kind of a relief. I could do without dreams altogether. None of them is very welcome. They are all too odd. I'd like to remember not one of them. It must be very pleasant to have what seems to be a dreamless night. 

Ever since I wrote about my craving for cheese, I have the taste of it in the back of my mouth and I have been walking around with a longing for it all day and night. The Exfactor is going to do the groceries this morning, so I won't have to wait much longer for that much wanted chunk of cheese. I will be able to satisfy that craving soon enough. I'm looking forward to it. 

I don't think my cravings have so much to do with the weather, because it has been nice, as they have to do with the time of year and the angle of the sunlight. That must trigger some hormonal changes that tell you to start hoarding your body fat for the winter. That makes sense, doesn't it? I feel like some primeval woman who listens to the call of nature. We must have those urges lying not so deep within us still. 

Yesterday was a nice enough day. I got through it without any mishaps like I often do. There's not much that can go wrong in the simplified version of my life. As long as my mind treats me right, there are no complaints from me. It's when it gets cluttered and crazy up in my head that things go to hell in a hand basket.  Quitting the tranquilizers and increasing the anti depressives are the two best things I've done in a long time.

There are daisies and dandelions in the fields again and some purple clover and wild yarrow too. This makes my walks with the dog more cheerful. I always look to see how many of them there are and if they are spreading at all. I also look for other wildflowers but am unable to identify them. I still haven't got that book that I need in order to do so.

It's time for me to go back to bed. I always manage to sleep a few more hours in the morning but am able to wake up not too late. I do become coherent soon enough to get dressed and walk the dog at a decent enough time. It's to the point now that he counts on that. 

Have a lovely day all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

What I like...

I guess I like taking a nap in the afternoon almost better than anything else. I love the way it breaks up the day and the rest I get. I always feel good when I wake up and really enjoy the first hour or so after I get up. Normally it's about time to take my evening dose of medicines too, so the timing is perfect. 

I have a cup of coffee first and then take my medicines. In the shortest amount of time I feel right as rain. I also know that nothing complicated lies ahead of me. All I have to do is walk the dog and eat dinner and get through the rest of the evening. That's easily done by watching the news and a few other non consequential programs. Not that the news is that kind of program.

I suppose there are a few simple pleasures in life like that, such as drinking a glass of ice cold milk when I'm very thirsty. Or eating a bowl of chicken and pasta soup when I'm hungry. I know those things will satisfy me instantly. They push my 'happy button' and make me feel good. Taking a nap does the same thing. 

*

I just took the dog for a walk and it was actually very nice out there. It was warmer than I expected and I wore too many clothes. I will have to put on something completely different because what I have on now will not do at all. It's time to wear skimpy clothes again. I've got just what I need all ready to put on from the last time it was warm. I had not put away those things yet. What foresight!

The rain that we had has not helped the grass in the fields yet. There are big brown spots all over. On top of that, it has recently been cut, so that doesn't help it much. A lot of the daisies are gone as a result, much to my dismay. The buttercups faired better. I like it when they leave the grass longer and the wildflowers get a chance to grow. It looks so much cheerier. 

I guess walking the dog is a pleasure in life too and it pushes my 'happy button,' although I never think of it as so. I usually think of it ahead of time as a bother and something I must do. Afterwards I always feel good about having done it, but I never put one and one together and I really ought to. I forget that I enjoy it. 

He sure dislikes certain dogs that we meet on our walks. They are always the more dangerous looking kind that he dislikes. The ones I steer clear of also. He's very macho and growls at them as if he would attack them given a chance. He especially dislikes any kind of dog that's well known as a fighting dog. A dog like that he takes an instant dislike to. A cocker spaniel like him wouldn't stand a chance. 

It's time to eat dinner. A glass of milk is lovely, but it alone doesn't fill my stomach. I must have something heftier than that. 

I hope you're all having a good day and good weather. 

Ciao,

Nora

On a cloudy day...

I've just woken up from an afternoon nap and I'm drinking my second cup of coffee. It is very necessary that I have the caffeine as I'm incapable of thinking clearly without it. Or so I've told myself anyway. 

I'm slowly becoming more clearheaded, but I should say that I'm getting a better mood. That would be more accurate. Why call things by any other name? I was a grouch before. A muddleheaded grouch.

It's not as though I have to pretend that I never get in a bad mood, do I? It can't all be moonshine and roses. 

I'm dressed in warm clothes as today is a chilly day. It was fun choosing what to wear, but I didn't pick anything adventurous. I went with a safe and sane outfit. Anyone would want to be seen in public with me, that's how ordinary I look. 

My closet is so bare now, that it's easy to choose clothes. Plus, I've got a trove of empty hangers. They are all good ones and I will save all of them. Doubtlessly, they will be used again some time in the future. I'm saying this optimistically, but I already had a stash of hangers in the bottom of the closet. 

I just remembered some clothes I have on the shelves that I have not looked at yet. No doubt they will need to get washed and ironed. I haven't worn them in ages. They should fit me well now. Ha, that will be a fun job to go and do. One load of laundry coming up. 

*

I just walked the dog around the fields. It wasn't as cold as I thought it was going to be and wearing my cardigan sufficed. It looked like it was going to rain and it has been predicted. Some rain would do us a world of good. Things are very dry and dusty. 

There are mostly buttercups and daisies now. All the dandelions that had gone to seed have been blown away. The clover is disappearing again, but I think it must be because of the dryness. It must need more water. 

Well, I must get to work on those clothes. Lord only knows what I'll find there. It will be a journey of discovery. The last time I looked through them I was quite a bit heavier. 

Have a good day. I hope your weather treats you well. 

Ciao,

Nora

A load off my mind...

I'm sitting here drinking coffee after I woke up from a nap in the dark and cool bedroom. It was most pleasant and I had an interesting dream in which I remembered the name of a medication that I want to ask my GP about. I just googled it and it exists here. I haven't used it in 18 years, but it's a most helpful one for a woman in her middle aged years. I can't wait to get it now. It's Metamucil, orange flavored. If it hadn't been for that dream, I wouldn't have remembered the name. 

The cat got a new flavor cat food. I was afraid that she wasn't going to like it as I tossed out what was left over of her old one and poured the new one into her bowl. However, she went for it immediately and has been chowing down on it ever since. She apparently does not have very discriminate tastes. I'm hoping that she'll continue to like this new one because it comes in a much larger, more economical bag that closes airtight.

The dog acts like he is jealous of her new food while I know in my heart that he has no interest in it whatsoever. It's just the newness of it that appeals to him. Besides, he always thinks that he has to be in on everything thats new and available. Luckily, the cat eats her food on the kitchen counter, well away from the dog, so she is safe. She does always leave behind many footprints that I constantly have to wipe away, especially when it is rainy and they are muddy.

We are expecting a shower tomorrow afternoon, but I won't hold my breath for it. Such things have been predicted in the past without actually coming about. We're having a bit of a heatwave right now, though the temperatures are still bearable. It's 81F right now, which is warm for the time of year. It's only May, after all.  Oh, and I saw my first red poppies growing. What a sight. 

Today was a nice enough day. Nothing spectacular happened. It was just a plain ordinary day that went by quickly. I did laundry and an extra load to get an opportunity to wash my bathrobe which was due for it. It was full of stains and very grubby. I would have been embarrassed to be seen in it. Luckily, I very seldom am. I don't get caught off guard that often. 

I wore my Capri leggings and a cotton tank top and my sandals. It was as summery as I could get. That's the least amount of clothes I'll wear in public. It is funny to go out so skimpily dressed. You feel like you've not got enough clothes on. Fortunately, you notice that everyone else is similarly dressed.

Well, I've got to take the dog for a walk. It is that time of day again. I've also got to take my medicines. If I want to stay sound of mind, I better not forget that. I hope you're all having a good day and that the weather is treating you well. 

Ciao,

Nora

Living and breathing...

I just took the dog for a walk in the pleasant evening air. The sun was still shining and there was a bit of a breeze, but it was not cold. The air smelled of blossoming things and there was pollen floating in it. Lots of dandelions have gone to seed and the seed blows around in the wind all over the place like little umbrellas. We have an explosion of dandelions and they are three weeks early due to the good weather. They outnumber the daisies and we have a lot of them.

The dog was his usual stubborn self, refusing to move from some places and running to others and I'm at his whimsy because he is strong. He's a badly brought up dog and I owe it all to myself. I shouldn't make it sound so bad, mostly he moves along at a steady pace, but he does have his peculiarities. He does know how to pass trees and lamp posts at the correct side so the leash doesn't get caught around them. He does have his redeeming qualities. But the truth is that I'm not strict enough with him. 

I took a nap earlier this afternoon, no doubt due to the fact that I had not slept enough during the night. It was a very pleasant and peaceful nap, but I made the mistake of turning on the computer right when I woke up and I think I ought not to have done that. I think it's better to sit in silence for a while with a cup of coffee and come to my senses before I become involved in answering emails and reading and commenting on blogs when I just have woken up. I must remember to honor the peace and quiet of the time after the nap. The space your brain needs to adjust to being awake properly. You stand the chance to write a lot of nonsense when you just wake up. 

Tomorrow is another holiday and I keep forgetting. It will be nice because it will give me a chance to get some chores done. The personal helper and the domestic help won't be here. I won't miss them, I like the day off. Sometimes it's like having so many nosy people around and missing your privacy. 

I hope you're all enjoying your Easter Sunday.

Ciao,

Nora

Absorbing sunlight...

It was another lovely yesterday. The dog and I went for a walk in the afternoon and dawdled. We just hung out by bushes and trees and took our time. I noticed all sorts of plants popping out of the ground, some of them with small flowers on them. I don't know what all of them are, but I'm glad to see them. It makes dawdling more interesting. Suddenly I don't feel that I'm in a rush.

We went home in a roundabout way and the dog got to explore some seldom visited territory. He climbed into the shrubbery by the edge of the road and I let him. He no doubt thought there were very interesting things in there. I expected him to come out with all sorts of horrible finds, but luckily, he didn't. 

The sun was shining in my face and it felt good. I wasn't wearing my sunglasses and had to squint. Doubtlessly I'll get wrinkles by my eyes now. I must remember to wear my sunglasses if I want to preserve my relative youth. Ahum...

It's supposed to rain tonight and the next day, which is a darn shame. A person gets used to this sunshine and the long bright days since we set the clocks ahead one hour. That's agreeing with me very well. I feel like I'm finally on a normal schedule again. We should do like the Russians decided to do and always stick to summer time. I wonder to whom I have to address the petition that no doubt everyone will sign. I probably have to address it to the prime minister who I'm not too fond of. I would hate to beg something off him.

Regardless of the fact that the bookcase is becoming pretty full, and that I have a bunch of unread novels on there, I couldn't resist an offer of bol.com for three English language books for one low price and no shipping charges. I picked out three thrillers that I really wanted and should get them in a few days. In the meantime, I have to finish the one I'm reading, so I can start on the new ones when they get here. One of them is a Henning Mankel and I think I will try that one first. I do like Scandinavian thrillers. They are so stark and sober and I like the fact that they take place in another country foreign to me. 

Like I said, the bookcase is getting full, but I can make room on it by removing some older books that aren't so great in appearance. They are just filling up space. Sooner or later I will have to get another bookcase, but I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. I've already picked out the one that I want at Ikea. It is a standard one that they always carry and I think I have a place for it, though I haven't taken the measurements yet. 

I will give a party on the day that I really fill up my bookcase. Maybe I can make it coincide with my birthday. I'll have to hurry up and order more books. No, realistically speaking, I'm not going to make that. I'll have to postpone that moment or I'll break the bank. I do have to consider my budget. Every book will be hard come by.

Have a great day!

Ciao,

Nora

Don't bite my head off...

I stayed up early this morning and did not return to bed to catch another forty winks like I usually do. I just didn't feel like sleeping and I wanted to get the day started because that's the sort of mood I was in. Bed didn't seem at all appealing to me, even though I hadn't had that much sleep the night before. I was wide awake and the day could start for all I cared. I was ready for it. 

I showered and picked my outfit with care and was pleased when I was put together. The effect was pleasant enough if I pulled in my stomach and remembered to keep it pulled in. I also have to remember to do more sit ups. 

I walked the dog in the silent streets because nobody was out there yet. It was too early and it was cold. There was frost on the grass and on the windshields of the cars, but the sun was out and it promised to be a nice day. 

When I got home, I did my chores one by one while taking little breaks in between to watch the news. It was during one of these breaks that I remembered that my personal helper wasn't going to be here that morning because she had a week's vacation. That meant that I had some free time ahead of me that I had to spend wisely.

I decided to take the dog for a long walk to see if we could find any more wildflowers. We walked south toward the edge of town and skirted it eastward along a green pathway. I saw some more buttercups, but nothing else yet. There were lots of green plants growing, but I could not identify them without their flowers. There was lots of promise there anyway. 

We walked along a neglected path by a field, but the situation was the same  there until we were in the civilized world again. Here people didn't have very exciting gardens to look at. Mostly hedges and green shrubbery, there weren't any flowers yet. It was too early in the year for much color. I think I had been expecting too much at the wrong time of the year. 

We finally made it home and I made myself some coffee and gave Tyke a milk bone.  Gandhi was sound asleep on my bed like she had not even missed us. She probably had lots of peace and quiet and appreciated it very much. Tyke was tired from his outing and almost forgot to bother her. She's had a very peaceful afternoon on the sofa. 

I decided that I enjoyed looking for clothes in my closet so much that I wanted to do it again and I picked out a whole new outfit to wear. I's something I hadn't worn yet and I'm equally pleased with it. I also decided that I needed to wear some different earrings, so I changed those too. This all makes my life more interesting. I do like to make it exciting for myself. 

I have to go and walk Tyke one more time. We won't go too far this time. It's very nice outside now and it's tempting to go for a longer walk, but I need to eat and I've got to make some dinner when I get back. Tyke's waiting impatiently. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Another terrific day...

No, I'm not being sarcastic when I say that, nor am I being hypo-manic. I just wanted to share my somewhat good mood as I sit here with my second cup of coffee. Of course, all moods are momentary and I have to take advantage of this one as long as it lasts because it may only be here for an hour. That's why I say now that it's a terrific day, while I should really say that it's a terrific moment.

I'm also very easily and quickly pleased. As long as nothing goes wrong, I'm happy. As long as I know that the day is going to be very uncomplicated, I'm thrilled about it. Since today is Sunday, there's nothing much that can go wrong and I expect no complications. It is a day of rest, after all. Better yet, nothing much is expected of me. I think that's the most important thing. 

Yesterday I had to go to the tobacco shop and I thought that was a complicated thing to do. Of course, yesterday was a complicated day for me anyway, what with the fact that I was trying not to go around the bend from all the sleepless nights I'd had. Riding my bike to the tobacco shop seemed like a very difficult thing to do and once I had finally done it, it was a major load off my mind. I bought myself a chocolate bar as a reward. No doubt that made me gain a pound.

It was a relief to take my old sleeping pills last night. I slept better and after I had been up in the middle of the night like I always am, I slept better in the morning too. The most important thing is, that I was not hypo-manic during the night and I avoided drinking a lot of coffee to create an artificial high. And, even though it was a super full moon, I was not a lunatic, although I would have expected it. Apparently not knowing that it was until this morning, made me not be influenced by it, although I have to say that I was a lunatic the night before this one. 

I've walked the dog and it is a fairly nice day out there. We have a hazy sun and pleasant temperatures. I'm waiting to see the buttercups in the grass. That will be a happy day.

Ciao,

Nora

Chasing away the Sunday blues...

I don't really have the Sunday blues, or if I do, I only have them in the slightest form and I hardly notice them. I'm mostly frustrated with what's on television, although it was interesting this morning when there were programs on about literature and politics. This afternoon there are sports on and that's usually okay, but I'm not interested in the kinds of sports that are being shown. The highlights of the rugby game between France and England aren't being shown until 5:30 pm. I hardly have enough patience to sit and wait for them. 

I took my usual nap on the sofa and for a change I'm not so discombobulated. That's quite a relief because I don't like the long drawn out process of rejoining the living when I am. I did make myself a cup of coffee immediately, but I hardly needed it as I was pretty clear headed right away. That goes to show you that you can't compare one day and one experience with the other and that each one is different. You can't always anticipate everything ahead of time because it may turn out quite differently than you thought. 

Nevertheless, I am having another cup of coffee because it's putting me in an excellent mood and I like it. I'd rather feel this way than hopelessly confused and in search of a good one.

I never did turn off the television, but just turned the sound down low. That way I am keeping track of what's on without it being intrusive. It's a little bit like having company without having to concern myself with it. The voices of the newscasters and the sports commentators are very familiar and they sound like old friends. It's pleasant to hear them in the background. I know I am thoroughly integrated now because I know everybody who's anybody on television. 

There are little buds on some of the hedges in the neighborhood. Some of the trees are starting to show buds too. Some of the bushes in the gardens show colored buds and I think they are about to flower. There are more daisies in the fields and I'm waiting to see other kinds of flowers, though I don't know which ones would come up next in the wild. We need more sunshine, but all we have is this drizzly weather and gray skies. We do have mild temperatures and I think spring will be here early this year. 

I have to watch the news now and see what is happening in Libya. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora