Tuesday, September 21, 2010


I had so much anxiety that I was afraid to be alone with my own thoughts. Everywhere I looked, the black dog prowled around and I don't mean Tyke by that. I couldn't find any peace of mind. I finally took two tranquilizers and they have now started to work and I feel a bit calmer. I have also asked for my psychiatrist to call me, because I want to talk to him before I see him on Friday. I must get some help before that time if I'm to survive in one piece.

At the suggestion of someone very smart, I've asked the powers who are in charge to move my domestic help to another time and/or day, so that I will be able to go to my creative class on Monday afternoon. I had not even thought of that myself. It's a good thing that someone else out there was doing the thinking for me.

This morning I paid the bills and got my paperwork in order. I made up the packages to mail, but I didn't go to the post office. It was beyond me and I'm planning on doing it tomorrow morning. Going somewhere is a real chore. I have to build up a whole strategy around it. I can't just spontaneously walk out the door. Everything takes a lot of courage that I'm short of.

The smallest things are super complicated and I have to think the process through all the way to the end before I begin them, otherwise they are too intimidating. It can be something as simple as watering the plants. It seems like a very difficult chore and like it is too much responsibility for me. I could kill them by giving them too much or too little water, so I do nothing and put it off. I will get it done this afternoon and write it down in my agenda. I'm going to write down all my little achievements. It will make it look like I am still capable. Like I'm still worth something. It will make my agenda look full too.

I've just had a cup of coffee and it has straightened out my head. It's funny how I always need a cup of coffee to do that for me or I can't think straight. It makes such a difference. I make six cups in the morning, but I don't drink them all. I reheat a cup as I need it in the microwave. It's a little bitter, but it does the job and I take milk in it, so that softens the blow. I could never function without coffee and I don't know how people manage on tea alone. I would be very miserable on it. I would not do well at all.

The tranquilizers are working properly now and I'm not filled with anxiety anymore. I'm actually feeling relaxed, as far as that is possible. They do take a load of my mind and I should always feel this way. Life would be so much more manageable and easier to take and the black dog has retreated. He's now lurking in the foothills.

Suddenly things don't seem so overwhelming anymore and I think I can now water the plants without having a nervous breakdown. I think I can even hang up the laundry and make my bed. It's even possible that I will be able to read my book again, which I have not been able to do for a couple of days. That would be very nice. I've gotten more books in the mail and I now have all the books that I had ordered with the gift certificate that I got from my daughter. I have enough reading material anyway, so it's a shame when I don't have the concentration to read. I haven't even been able to watch television.

Tyke's having a lie down in the sunshine on the dining table and is watching the children get out of school. It's one of his favorite pastimes, because he does like children so very much. Every once in a while a dog also walks by on a leash and that really gets his attention, but he never barks, he just looks. I think he likes little dogs the most. They seem to really perk him up. He's just a friendly little guy and thinks the world is filled with equally friendly creatures.

Well, you've been witness to a metamorphosis. I've gone from anxious to calm. I think I will have one more cup of coffee and then get on with the chores. I have courage now, so I have to grab the bull by the proverbial horns.

Have a good rest of the day.



Twain12 said...

i'm glad you are feeling better and found a solution with the classes...i hope the rest of the day will go smoothly and you are NEVER worthless ♥

Babaloo said...

Ahh, sorry to hear you've had such a crisis. Hope the rest of the day goes better. XOX

Bernie said...

Glad to know you are feeling better, it must be terrible to feel so anxious, God Bless you Nora and I will pray all will work out for you.....:-)Hugs

Frances said...

glad that bad time passed. You are right to stay strong and face the demons down. That way you won't miss out on the opportunity to do things you know will make you feel better in the end. LOL
Always easy to pass out advice, rarely easy to follow it!