Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Up again...

I went to bed early, being spaced out from my medicines, and am now up again already feeling pretty good. I seem to have momentarily achieved that equilibrium I was looking for. Mine is not to question how I did that, but just to accept it as a given and to enjoy the moment. I think it is all a matter of chance anyway and you have to grab the benefits while you can. 

Needless to say, I'm having my cups of coffee and they are helping me feel better. They are clearing my mind of whatever nasty thoughts might have been lingering there in the recesses of my much complicated brain. The brain that is refusing to co-operate lately in behaving normally. The chemically mixed up brain. 

I don't care, right now it's behaving normally and that's what counts and if I don't upset it too much, it should stay static for the rest of the time that I am up. It means that I'm not going to make any earth shattering announcements or break out in a song and dance routine. Nor climb on any soap box. I will just keep it simple. 

I've had to figure out when in the day to take my numerous pills, but I think I've got it down to a system now. I have to spread them out evenly so as not to get too many of some of them all at once because they have a tendency to make me feel stoned. This is a very unpleasant feeling that I would not recommend to anyone. They not only make you feel stoned, but sad too and that's no good. It necessitates you having to go to bed to sleep it off and you wake up with a bit of a hangover. 

The Exfactor took the dog for a long walk this afternoon, which meant that I could stay in my bathrobe all day. It meant that I could take this day as a recuperation day and I didn't do much with it except to try and keep my head on straight. I slept and spent time in my armchair and watched the news on television. 

It was filled with the senseless riots in England, of course, that are no longer social statements, but plain criminal acts. I don't care what anyone says about social injustice. This is not a way to react to that. It certainly wasn't a Facebook revolution.

Oops, I was not going to get on a soapbox. I'm sure I'm not in the right frame of mind for that. I would not be able to carry on a discussion about the subject. It would get too complicated as it has too many angles. I'm sure I'm not solitarily going to solve the problem. 

I'm feeling so reasonable now, that it would be nice to say that this is the end of my depression, but I know it's just a momentary relief.  Tomorrow morning I will face the same issues and the same mood and it will be a battle all over again. That's how it goes with depression. You do once in a while have good moments when you feel well. It lulls you into a false sense of security.

Right now I feel peaceful and serene and I don't know where that feeling is coming from. It must be a perfect combination of circumstances and ingredients. I wish I could always get it right this way but I know it's just a temporary condition. It's not acceptance of my depression. Not at all. I'm very much in rejection of it and fight it tooth and nail. I'm always in search of serenity, as contradictory in terms though that may sound.

I suppose I will go back to bed now and try to sleep some more. I have another appointment with my SPN in the morning. I must get up in time for that. I can't sleep late. 

Have a good night all of you. 


1 comment:

Twain12 said...

i feel the same way about the riots..i think i'm a pretty socially aware person..i can sympathize with a lot , but i never was for mob rules, looting and solves nothing, least of all your cause. But i know there are a lot of angles , just like you said. I do hope it calms down soon.