Behaving myself...

I'm to the point now that I can't imagine living with other people. I'm so set in my ways and so used to solitude and silence that it would bother me to give it up. I find the greatest peace and quiet in my own company and I can only stand to share my space with the animals. Having other people around for any length of time would definitely cramp my style.

This maybe makes me sound like a misanthrope, but I'm not an unkind person. I'm easy to get along with as long as I don't have to have a real close relationship with anybody. I do keep a certain amount of distance always. I don't want anyone to sit on top of me emotionally. I'm uncomfortable if a relationship becomes too close. I need lots of breathing space and to feel free. 

Time by myself is what I treasure most. If I fill that with nothing but sitting in my armchair and enjoying the sound of silence, then that's all the better. It's what gives me the peaceful feeling. I realize now that I can't live with anyone else. It's my own company that I enjoy the most. 

I've had a most pleasant day, but I can't say that I've done anything specific with it. What I do know is that the overall feeling was one of peacefulness and that's the most important thing. At not one point did I feel stressed. If I can achieve that, I feel very lucky indeed and whatever the magic formula is, I want to keep applying it. I want to repeat this kind of a day as many times as I can.

I don't think I want another person in my life to complicate that. It's much easier to work out the magic ingredients if you are on your own. It's fairly smple to calculate in a dog and a cat. That's not a problem. Besides, they provide the necessary humor and love. And I do know that another person would bring out the worst in me, at least the person I would end up with. I haven't been able to pick the right one yet. 

So it's with a feeling of satisfaction that I look forward to the end of the day. I can rest easily and be content. It was a day to be happy about. Not all days go that well, but it's what I strive for and I'm very glad when I succeed. 

Ciao,
Irene

It's always something...

It's a beautiful day out. The sky is blue and the sun is shining and the temperatures are great. It feels like a summer day and the weatherman was right. He predicted it. It will stay this way for the rest of the week and I am totally agreeable to it. I just walked the dog and it was a pure pleasure to be out there. The bees were buzzing amongst the wildflowers and the birds were twittering in the trees. All that was missing were the butterflies.

I could not walk quickly because I think I have broken my toe. I did it this morning when I walked into the edge of a metal sign that the Exfactor had temporarily placed against my bike that was parked in the hallway. I noticed it on the way to the toilet, but forgot about it on the way back. It was quite a bang and I used a swear word because it hurt so much.The sign was big and heavy and did not move an inch.

As the day wore on, my toe got worse and I hobble a bit when I walk. Even when I sit still it hurts. It is the middle toe of my left foot and I know nothing can be done about it, so I've put a sock on it and I'm wearing my sneakers for comfort. That gives me some idea of support, but to tell you the truth, I think it isn't helping one bit and I may as well take them off. I have taken a paracetamol and I hope that will do.

Other than that, it's been a nice day. I think that's mostly due to the amount of sunshine that's coming in through the living room windows. It does cheer me up. It makes me a better person. I'm much more agreeable when the sun shines, although I'm always kind. At least I try to be in spite of myself. I do get grumpy at times. 

That's not something a cup of coffee can't take care of and I've had mine. I'm all caffeinated now. I did take a small nap earlier because I got up on time this morning. I was expecting the Exfactor but I had no idea what time he was getting here because he is hard to pin down. When he got here, he asked me to iron two long sleeved shirts for him, but since he always does the groceries, it was a pleasure for me to be able to do that. 

I hadn't ironed any men's shirts in a long time and had forgotten how much work they are if you want to do a good job. It seems that every time you run the iron over them, you iron a new wrinkle into them. It is frustrating.

I've got to watch the news and eat dinner. It's that time of the day again.

Ciao,
Irene

Cheerfulness at midnight...

I'm in a cheerful mood as I sit here in the middle of the night with my cup of coffee warmly ensconced in my bathrobe. That's good news because I went to bed last night in a not so good mood and with a headache for which I took a paracetamol. I dreaded the thought that my mood was going to go downhill and decided that sleep was the best solution for it. I was right and now I feel much better. I have sparks of hope all over the place. The world is my oyster again. 

So, it's with some amount of cheer that I sit here and write this post. I can take my time doing it too because it doesn't matter what time I go to bed. Tomorrow I have no appointments in the morning and I can be as lazy as I want to be, bar the fact that the dog will have to be walked at one point. I do so like being in charge of my own day, at least the mornings when I can get started at my own speed and not have to rush. 

I did something kind for myself yesterday and signed up with Glossy Box.nl. I will start receiving a pretty box once a month filled with five beauty products especially selected for me and every box will have a different content. These include skin and hair products and perfumes. I think it will be fun to await the arrival of each box. It will be like Santa Claus comes to the house once a month.

My first Glossy Box will get here in January and I will write a review about it in a post so you will know what sort of things I received. Frankly, I can't wait. I'm curious enough to want to try different products and it's being surprised that appeals to me so. I will be like a kid in a candy store. That's the kindness I will allow myself once a month. I do need something fun to look forward to. The regime can't be all stark and rigid. 

Glossy Boxes are available in other countries so you can check for them where you live. 

To tell you the truth, I like anything that makes me pay attention to the fact that I'm female and allows me to fuss over myself because I have a tendency to neglect that area of my life. Oh, I do pay attention to how I dress, but I don't mess around with beauty products enough and my skin and hair could use some taking care of. I don't nearly spend enough time on them. I have dry skin that could use some help and my hair is fly away and could use some volume. Hopefully there will be some things in those boxes that will help.

I find you always have to make your life interesting. If it doesn't come from the outside, you have to make it happen yourself in the most imaginable ways. I'm already thinking that there should be a glossy box for under garments and I wonder if such a thing exists. I would sign up for it immediately. Just think of all the cute and sexy things you could get. That is for those of us who fit in our bras properly. 

I am going to check and see if there are more ways to make my life interesting that don't cost an arm and a leg. I am on a budget, after all. The thing is, to make your life as pleasurable as possible because things are dire enough nowadays as they are. The way the economy is turning just makes you want to bury your head in the sand and that's no solution. You have to be able to try and afford something special and you can't wait for someone else to do it for you. 

You have to be your own best friend. That's the one thing I learned about living on my own. That's not to sit around and wait for someone else to make my happiness for me because it will never happen. It's mostly in my own hands. Unless you specifically ask someone for something, nobody will be able to read your mind and know what it is you desire. People don't spend their time wondering what your needs are. That's not how the world works. You have to take care of that yourself. 

Well, after so much armchair wisdom, I guess I'll bring an end to this post. I'm not nearly ready to go to bed and will have to find a way to amuse myself for a while. I will drink some cold milk to get myself in another frame of mind. It will give my stomach something to do too. There's always some entertainment in the middle of the night. 

Ciao,

Nora

Kindly spirited...

When I wake up from my afternoon nap, I always feel very kindly towards the world and all the people in it. I have a totally untroubled mind. If anybody calls me at that time, I am all sweetness and I have all the patience needed to have whatever conversation is necessary. 

This mood lasts about an hour. By that time I have taken my evening dose of medicines and I am in another kind of good mood that is almost equally nice, but I'm not as sweet and patient anymore. I've got more stress by that time, having been awake long enough to have the reality of life penetrate my mind again.

Not that my reality is such an awful one. It is all in my imagination. It is my own fearful heart that makes it look that way. My reality is actually quite simple, but something in me doesn't experience it that way and sees bogeymen in every corner.

It's a terrible thing to live with a fearful heart because it prevents you from living life with full enjoyment. It's much better to be untroubled like that person who just woke up from her nap and who exists in the world like a newborn child. Unafraid. 

It's very possible that newborn children are not at all unafraid and that some of them have their fears too. If so, I may have been one of them. My mother told me once that I sure did an awful lot of crying when I was a baby. I may have been uneasy all alone in my crib. I wanted to be held by my father. 

I wonder what happens to you when you take that afternoon nap to make you feel so untroubled and kind? It must be a very soothing thing to do. It must be very good for your wellbeing. I wonder if people in southern countries don't have the right idea when they take their siestas. Or don't they do that any longer in today's society? I must ask my sister's Italian friend, but he's from Milan and that's in northern Italy. It may not be a custom there. 

I would always like to have the innocence I have when I wake up from my afternoon nap and to be so nonjudgmental.  It would be a lot easier to live with myself. 

Ciao,

Nora

Shamelessly sleepy...

It's early in the evening and I'm sitting here with the blinds closed and the lights on. I'm all cozy and solitary except for the animals who are my loyal companions. They have no choice. They are bound to me and have no other place to go. Nobody else will take them in. We are stuck with each other. That's just the way it is. Having concluded that, I will just have to make the best of it and get along with them as well as I can. Somebody has to. 

All kidding aside, I did trim the hair around Tyke's eyes so he could see a little better. I thought he might get cross eyed because of it. I also thought he was going to make a big deal out of it, but he allowed me to do it without a problem. He was very co-operative. He was very much interested in the scissors and was curious about what I was going to do with them. I took him completely by surprise. I think he appreciated the fact that I cut off the hair that was there in front of his eyes. He looked all bright and cheerful once I had done it. 

That was my good deed for the day. I don't know if I have been doing good deeds on a regular basis at all. I haven't been keeping track and I haven't consciously been aware of it. I'm always a kind person, but there used to be a time in my life when I was aware of doing good deeds every day. Just small kind ones to make someone's life a little easier. I'm not too sure if I do that anymore. I must pay attention to this and reinstate the habit if it's gone. 

I think just remembering to be kind and friendly and polite to other people is a good thing, because there was a time when that was difficult for me. It's so nice to approach people with a friendly face and to be open to contact. What a relief it is to be able to do that when it wasn't possible for a long while.

Tyke's asleep on the dining table now. He likes to be asleep on high uncomfortable places. He likes to oversee things. I don't think he's going to like his big soft pillow all that much if and when it arrives. I'm going to put it in the bedroom, because I think he will use it there most often. In the living room he's either close to where I am or on the dining table. Even now he's within an arm's length of me. He's becoming a regular fixture in the neighborhood. The dog that sits in front of the windows and watches the world go by on top of the dining table. 

I'm very happy that it's evening and that the day is coming to an end. I'm looking forward to going to bed, but when am I ever not? I'm either going to bed or just getting up from it. I'm either waking up or very sleepy. Sleep always plays a big role in my life. I will put my pajamas and bathrobe on in a while and watch the news and then go to bed. It will be lovely. 

I hope you will all have a lovely evening too. 

Ciao,

Nora

Frustratingly shallow...

I've been up for a while and have been drinking my delicious cups of coffee. It took me no effort at all this morning to make a pot. I was wide awake when I stepped out of bed and more than ready to start the day. I even had to make cigarettes, having depleted the supply I had last night. I did it with the greatest of ease, as if it was no problem so early in the morning. That goes to show you that I was free of grumpiness and that I immediately was in a good mood. I am an early riser and I get out on the right side of the bed. Luckily, my bed is positioned in the right place.

I have visited blogs and sent emails and now I should be more than ready to write a blog post. I just need for my imagination to wake up. I think that will take another cup of coffee. I wish I could visit the place in my head where my imagination lives and see what size it is and what form it has and if I have a lot of it. Maybe then I could learn to depend on it. I think a lot of times it is hidden by my need to want to be logical and to want to make sense. It would be better if I could give it free reign and set it loose.

Circumstances also dictate how poetic I can get. If I feel that I have to be in charge and be the responsible adult, I'm not as likely to let down my boundaries and give myself over to my more lyrical side. The one who spends more time with her head in the clouds and her feet lightly lifted off the ground. Like a balloon drifting around just without reach. I have been known to spend large periods in this state of mind and be very prolific. I was attached to the earth by a gossamer thread.

Nowadays, I try to stay more grounded than that and to have both my feet firmly planted on the ground. This does hinder the free flow of my more poetic ideas. It's hard to be lyrical if you don't spend time in the higher spheres. If your firmly attached to all that's worldly. I don't allow myself many flights of imagination. Nor do I see as much overwhelming beauty in the world around me. I've become a bit more cynical than that and I have to find a new form to express that side of me. I do want to see the beauty with unbiased eyes, but I also see the fragility of it and the fact that you can't grasp and hold it.

The love that you felt for things only becomes a memory when you can't go back and rediscover them. You can only continue to love them if you keep living with them and I have not been that fortunate. I have had a lot of experiences, though, and I have an enormous source of material to dip into. The fact that I don't do this, speaks for itself. I consider them a closed book and I rarely open it. I want to keep them locked up in the chambers of my mind and not wax lyrical about them lest I get too sentimental and teary eyed. I must not start to think that one stage in my life was more beautiful than the other.

I prefer to think that the one I'm in will turn out to be the best one and that this is the one that I will in the end be lyrical and poetic about, but in a sober minded way. The way a Dutch person can be lyrical in a stark and barren way that does not show too much emotion lest he makes a fool of himself. There's to be not too much passion. We are Calvinistic people, after all, even if some of us are Catholic and more Burgundian.

I still don't know where my imagination lives. I think it lives in a state of mind, though, when you're disconnected from too much reality and when you are in a loftier and more ethereal space where the air is thinner, high up a mountain somewhere, very solitary. Maybe that's why I seek so much time alone. To get in touch with that place, where the foothills and the shrub oaks live and where the sun shines relentlessly in the bright blue sky. It's only an illusion. The rain comes down outside and it's another gray day and that's reality and I don't mind the rain. That's been established.

I live my life accordingly and adapt myself to the circumstances, but I can make the best of them. Kindness abounds, after all, and that wasn't always the case.

Ciao,

Nora