Forget me nots number two...

I'm allowing myself to be officially depressed. There's no reason to fight it because I've been becoming it since the middle of the night when I sat up with a cup of coffee and tried to deny it. It's always better to acknowledge it and give into it than to try and act as if there's nothing wrong, which is impossible anyway. 

I usually feel relieved when I admit I am depressed. It's like suddenly falling into a deep hole and not knowing what exactly preceeded it. I never seem to know how I ended up there. There I find myself and at first I don't even realize what's wrong. I just feel extreme discomfort. It's good to give it a name once I've figured out what it is. It's even better to talk about it. 

I act like what I do here is talk but it does feel like that. I do imagine that you're all listening to me and are pondering it over. I don't know how much of that is actually true and I don't have to know. Just leave me with my illusions.

The bad part about being depressed is that it's very difficult to motivate yourself to do anything. Mostly you want to crawl into a little hole and disappear. At least be somewhere warm and safe, maybe some place like the womb. I'm trying to get out of doing most everything, although that's very difficult when you're the only person in your household. I can't expect the animals to take over. 

I'm constantly cold and in need of warmth. I want the sun to shine on me but I'll have no such luck with this kind of weather. Besides, it is at the end of the afternoon and gray and cloudy and the sun is low in the sky. It has just started to rain too. 

There is no joy in being depressed. There is only the relief of acknowledgement and the giving into it. You don't have to fight a battle. I certainly am not going to waste my time on one. It would be silly to because I would lose it. I'm going to very kindly take care of myself. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

A hill of beans...

I'm up enjoying my cups of coffee and not worrying about what time I have to get up in the morning because absolutely nobody is going to be here during the day. No personal helper and no domestic help. This is partly due to circumstances and partly due to the holidays. I'm not complaining because I don't mind having a day off. I'm sure I'll get through it just fine. There's always something to do. 

I'll make it up as I go along. I'm sure I'll manage to keep myself out of the worst trouble. What's a middle aged woman to do anyway when she's home all by herself? There aren't an awful lot of things that can go wrong. At the most I may indulge in a lot of television watching. I'll certainly watch a lot of news and be very well informed. I'll have my finger on the pulse. Ha!

I know I'll have to do whatever I can not to be bored and I'll have to spend a lot of time meditating to fill in the empty moments so I won't go mad. There will be lots of contemplating my navel in quiet solitude. That's one way to get through the day. Luckily, I'm good at that and I don't easily tire of that exercise. I do enjoy the peaceful feeling it affords me. It's good if you can tolerate your own company and don't feel like fleeing into the arms of the first available person. 

I'm drinking ice cold milk and I'm starting to yawn. Soon it will be time to go back to bed. I hope I sleep for a long time in the morning without too many intricate dreams. The best is dreamless sleeping. That way you wake up untroubled. 

I feel perfectly at ease now and ready for whatever lies ahead. I don't dread the coming day. I will face it like I've faced many others like it. Keeping myself safe and sound is the main objective. 

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora