Finito...

I have done my three chores for today and they were four if you count me walking the dog, but I never do, because it belongs to my daily schedule and is not an extra effort. Actually, I'm not done with my chores, because I have to put the dry dishes away in the cabinets and hang up the laundry as soon as the washing machine is done. I put clean sheets on the bed, because I had hot flashes last night and sweat so much that my pajamas were wet when I got up. So I washed the sheets and the pajamas and a top that's always collecting all the dog and cat hair and I hope it comes out clean. I always expect magic things to happen in the washing machine and very often it does remove hair from items I put in there.

On Monday I put two fleece blankets in it and it washed the cat hairs right off of them. Those blankets are handy, because they come out of the machine almost dry and I can put them back in place right away and they finish drying on the spot. I also wash the cushion covers from the sofa in the washing machine when I can't get them clean with the vacuum cleaner and they always come out looking great again. I put them back on when they are still barely damp and they are dry in no time. I do like it when covers to furniture are washable. It makes such a difference in the appearance of things. With the animals, things always have a tendency to get a little dirty.

If I really want to get my floors clean, I have to get on my hands and knees and scrub them with a brush and I'm not about to do that, so I just mop them and call it a day. I can't be such a dedicated housewife that I'll scrub things on my knees, although I've cleaned the bathroom floor that way, resulting in very sore knees. I don't know about you, but with advancing age my knees have become more knobby and bony and they don't want me to lean on them. I think that is a sign not to overdo it.

I had ergo therapy this morning and announced that next week would be my last time there and then some other women said that they had thought about dropping ergo therapy also, because we are all in the same building down phase. I think we've all had enough of the very intense work that is ergo therapy and that we are all ready for something else. Today was very intense again, not for me personally, but for some other people, and I'm just not ready anymore to take all of that on. You have to switch it off when you leave there, but a residue of it stays with you when you are home. It does influence you to some extent. I don't want that anymore.

The coffee breaks are the nicest, because we break the spell and talk about totally different things and have our coffee out on the deck and enjoy the good weather in the shade of the big birch trees. You would think we were just a set of ordinary women having a get together and not that one of us had just cried in frustration and sadness and that the others had put their heads together in sympathy and support.

Like I said, the weather has been great today and it wasn't too hot, but we did have sunshine. Now, however, clouds have moved in and if I didn't know better, I'd think it was going to rain. It's not supposed to, unless the weatherman got it totally wrong. It's completely overcast and it has suddenly turned into a different day. Not that I mind, it isn't cold yet. I'm still dressed okay.

Well, I have to finish doing my chores, the final leg of them. It will feel very good to get them done. I'm the most excited about the clean sheets on my bed. It will be such a pleasure to go to sleep tonight. With clean pajamas too.

Have a great day everyone.

Ciao...

In the middle of the night...

I am wide awake. I fell asleep on the sofa yesterday evening and then moved to my bed at eleven o'clock, but I just woke up again, ready to start the day that isn't even remotely here yet. I guess it's going to be one of those mixed up nights again. I'm not concerned about it, because I don't have to be anywhere today, except for the pharmacy where I have to pick up some medications and I can do that at any time.

Yesterday was a nice enough day as birthdays go, but I suddenly hit a low point at about seven o'clock in the evening. My mood tumbled down and I became sad and disheartened. I knew the thing to do was to go to sleep, so I ate some dinner and put on my pajamas and laid down on the sofa, where I promptly fell asleep. It was the best thing I could have done and when I woke up at eleven, and I still felt that way, the best thing to do was to take my medicines and to go to bed. I didn't even bother reading my book and just went straight to sleep.

I think any event, no matter how big or little, has a tendency to upset me and throw me off balance and I guess certainly my birthday did, although I was happy about it during the day, so even happy events can be upsetting. I felt as if I suddenly became depressed, but that mood is gone and now I feel pretty neutral, which in itself is an odd thing, because how can you feel neutral about anything? That means you don't feel one way or the other. Still, it's better than feeling depressed.

I bought an apple pie and chocolate chip cupcakes yesterday, because my nephew doesn't like pie. I also bought him a bottle of diet coke, which I now have to finish and that is a real sacrifice. The apple pie was delicious, which I knew it would be, because the store is well known for them. I also did the grocery shopping at the same time and it wasn't all that bad. It was busy in the store but the lines weren't too long and I was done in no time. Which goes to show you that what you dread to do is never as bad as you think it will be.

My sister got me a hardbound Inspector Linley novel and the Exfactor got me a very good bicycle tire pump, the kind that stands up. He says I've got another present coming at the end of the week, so I'm looking forward to that. My oldest sister sent me money and she doesn't half know how welcome that is, because I now have 50 Euros in cash. That's a lot of cash for me and is a week's worth of groceries. When you're on a low budget, that counts.

My cups of coffee are tasting especially good right now. I just made my second one and it turned out just right. I also took a tranquilizer about an hour ago to get rid of the stress I felt, even though I at first was not aware of it. I so often feel stress without realizing it, until I pay attention to myself and feel that my body is tensed up and that my jaw is tight. When I take a tranquilizer, everything relaxes after awhile, and includes the softening of my thoughts, which is very welcome. It's like a load is removed from my shoulders and everything is so much easier.

My sister called my attention to the fact that the dog has gotten fat and she is right, he is overweight, but I had already started to cut down on his food, so hopefully that will help. He is getting half the portion of canned food that he was getting and he is not complaining, so he is getting enough food. He was most likely getting too much to eat before.

I am going to two more ergo therapy sessions. Then I will have my meeting with my therapists and my SPN and I will start the new creative therapy class. I think that's fair enough and two more sessions are okay. It also gives me a chance to say my proper goodbyes to the group, of which there are only three original people left that I started out with. You do become attached to them, but I will still see them at the clinic during coffee breaks. I am looking forward to the creative therapy class on Wednesdays, which is a different one than I go to on Mondays and Fridays, so I will learn different techniques there.

I finished the first painting and I took a photo of it, but I haven't downloaded it yet, so I can't show you it. I will in good time. I've started another one on a new canvas and I've got most of it drawn on there already. I knew what I was doing this time and the scale is a little bit better, I think, although my therapist said it is fine in the first one and when I was done with it, someone wanted to buy it, but I said no. She didn't say how much she wanted to pay for it and if she had offered a 100 Euros, I would have said yes. I don't come cheap.

I'm looking forward to the day when I can buy some frames for some of my collages. I want to frame at least two of them and hang them up in the living room. I've already picked out the ones I want to do. It will be nice having them up and being able to look at them every day, and to think, "Yes, I've made those and I'm happy with them." That's a satisfaction I can't wait for.

I hope you all have a very good day filled with good and satisfying events. I'm hoping for a day filled with serenity myself.

Ciao...

Happy Rainy Friday...

Well, it was raining earlier, quite hard, but I was inside, so I didn't suffer any discomfort from it. I was sitting out on the deck at the clinic about to light a cigarette when the first drops fell, so I moved to the smoker's room in a hurry and was joined by two fellow smokers and we very cozily listened to the rain hit the skylight.

I had creative therapy today and I worked on my painting and just about have it done. I have to add second layers of colors here and there, but that's it and I think I'm satisfied with it, but I can't wait to start a second, better one now that I know what I'm doing. There's always room for improvement, after all, and I can see what I could have done better, although I like what I've done well enough. You can see that I'm absolutely undecided about this painting, can't you?

I saw my ergo therapist and told her about the creative therapy I had on Wednesday when she was sick and how much I enjoyed it and if maybe I could add one of that therapist's classes back to my schedule. She wasn't too sure about that, because she didn't really want me to take on more than I could handle, but she thought it might be a good idea for me to trade my ergo therapy for a creative therapy class. She said she would discuss it with the team and let me know.

Now, I thought I would mind giving up ergo therapy, but when she put it to me, I realized that I didn't mind it at all if I could trade it for that creative therapy class. Isn't that funny? Maybe I'm all done with ergo therapy. It is true that lately I've been bored there a lot, not so much with my own issues, but with other people's issues. I don't have so much patience with them anymore. Especially not with the people who are starting from scratch.

I also had an evaluation at 1 pm. That means filling out questionnaires and multiple choice lists and discussing the questionnaires with one of the therapists afterwards. This is all in preparation for the meeting I will have with my therapists and my SPN on the 21st, when my end date will be picked, which hopefully will be at the end of December.

So, I filled out all the paperwork, which is always a bit of a pain in the neck, and discussed it with my creative therapist, who I have on Mondays and Fridays, and she had already heard about me dropping ergo therapy in favor of the other creative therapy class and she questioned me about it a bit. I told her about all the different techniques I could learn in that class and how I could apply those at home on my own and how excited I was about that. I think she could understand my excitement and really got into it with me, until it was practically a done deal. She said she would discuss it with my ergo therapist and let me know on Monday.

I am so excited about this and really want it to happen. I think if I push a little bit it will. I'll have to say my proper goodbyes to the ergo group, but then I'm more than ready to go. I'll not be like Lot's wife and look around and turn into a pillar of salt. Once I go, that's it, I'm gone for good. No doubts about it.

Well anyway, I was able to wear the boots I repaired yesterday. I had the right glue after all and the sole is stuck to the bottom very well. There were two other pairs of boots I could have worn, but these are the most comfortable and they fit the weather the best. The other boots are for when it gets colder.

I wore a long sweater and my blue jeans miniskirt and leggings and I felt so comfortable in them. Everything is a little big on me, so therefor the comfort.

This is all I've got to tell you. I don't know what else to add. Maybe I'll think of something later, but I'll have to save that for tomorrow morning. Oh yes. I've started reading Secret Scripture. So far, so good. Pretty fascinating, really.

Ciao...

Autumn...

Yesterday afternoon it was my intention to just vacuum the area rug, because I was not in the mood for the noisy vacuum cleaner, but once I had it out and running, it wasn't all that bad and I decided to vacuum the kitchen and the bedroom too. The noise is always worse in your memory than it is in real life. I also vacuumed the dog's pillow and then applied flea drops to him and got his clean blanket out of the laundry, so we should be flea free now. As long as the cats don't bring home any new ones, which they always do in the summertime. They roam far and wide and pick them up all over the place. That's the good part about wintertime, we'll be rid of those pesky fleas.

I didn't do the dishes, because of the vacuuming, and then I was so hungry that I had to eat and after that I walked the dog and then the news was on. No happy news on the news, with dire predictions that we haven't felt the worst of the economic crisis yet, even though things have stabilized. The real consequences will be felt next year when there will be a shortage of money and massive layoffs. Isn't that a wonderful thing to look forward to? We mustn't get discouraged and keep the money rolling. Well, mine certainly is. It is being pumped back into the economy whether I like it or not.

I slept on the sofa again and woke up in the middle of the night with a very painful arm and hand, so I guess I will be sleeping in my bed again tonight. I did shut off the television with the remote control, which means I put it on stand by and I hate to do that, because it still uses energy that way. When you're pinching pennies like me, all those things add up. The sofa is just long enough for me to sleep on, but it's not wide enough and I have to make myself small or my arm will fall off the side of it. That creates discomfort, so I better go back to my bed.

I got to ergo therapy this morning, only to find out that the ergo therapist was sick, but we were allowed to go to creative therapy instead, which I thought was just splendid. It was with the therapist who I dropped on Tuesdays and she is the one with all the neat ideas on what to do with paper and inks and watercolors, so I picked up a lot of pointers today and I now can't wait to apply them and I desperately want to go out and get supplies, but I have to be patient. I saw the neatest effect on what to do with watercolor paper and colored inks and I can't wait to try it. It makes me think I ought to go back to that class on Tuesdays, but I'm afraid it will be too much again and I must be sensible.

I had been putting the grocery shopping off since Monday and was so very much not looking forward to it. It was the thought of going to the ever busy supermarket and picking out the groceries and standing in line that was putting me off. Also riding home with all the groceries in the bags on my bike and unloading everything. I just was not up to the task. So I called the Exfactor and asked him very bluntly if he would do it for me instead and he happily agreed to, which was a great relief to me.

I made a not so overwhelming shopping list and when he got here, he went straight to the supermarket and was back here within the shortest amount of time, because for the Exfactor everything is a breeze. I don't know how the man does it, but nothing seems to bother him. He does everything with a snap of his fingers. Needless to say, I was very grateful and I won't have to go shopping now until next week. I'm going to try to make everything last as long as possible.

I'm taking a tranquilizer three times a day, I've decided, and it agrees well with me. It is just the right amount to settle me down and make me calm enough. I'm not so much under the influence that I'm a zombie, but it does take the sharpest edges off and that is pleasant, because now I don't have to worry as much. On the whole, my day is much easier with them and I am more relaxed and at ease and not so stressed.

I think always feeling a certain amount of anxiety is second nature to me, so feeling more of it comes very easy to me, but it sure is a tiring thing. It's like you're always prepared for something unpleasant to happen, even when nothing is going to, but you assume it will. I have had many, many years like that since my childhood and it's become permanently engraved in my mind. I don't want to live under that assumption, though, and I try to reason myself out of it, but it is hard to have to do it over and over again repeatedly without end. It's nice to get a break like I do with the tranquilizers, I just shouldn't take such a mega dose of them and I won't now.

I wore my Spring/Fall boots today and my warmer leggings. The weather has turned and it really feels like Autumn out today. There's a chilly wind and clouds in the sky and it looks like rain. I like it, this is my kind of weather, this is my month to really live and breathe and come alive in. The weatherman said that meteorologically speaking, it is Fall now, although on the calender it says it won't be until the 21st. For all things concerning the weather it is Autumn now. I believe it, because you can feel it in the air and tell by the sunlight.

I still haven't done the dishes now. Do you think they will wait for me forever or wash themselves and line up neatly in the dish rack on the kitchen counter.? Oh well, I suppose I will get around to them sooner or later. I will get an attack of cleanliness and they will suddenly get done. Just like everything gets done around here. Things never do turn into the disaster they could be. I always save myself on time.

I've got to read some email and blog posts now and make myself another cup of decaf. If I make it strong enough it doesn't taste like decaf. I can even fool myself.

Have a great evening. Don't do anything I wouldn't do. That leaves you a lot of leeway.

Ciao...

The crazy scale...

It's dark in the living room, as I have no lights on and the day is cloudy. We are expecting rain later, but in preparation of it, the clouds have been moving in all day and it has been nothing but overcast and cool. I like this, of course, and I have the back door open for a nice cool draft, which the dog likes too, because he likes to casually wander out there and pee against a tree when the notion hits him. He does like to assert himself and his territorial rights. I don't know how the cats feel about that, because it is really their patio on which they hang out, but I don't think they begrudge the dog his occasional assertion of his rights.

After I did the dishes last night and before I got the vacuum out, I decided to take the dog to the vet. His eyes had started getting worse again, as I had been checking them several times a day and they had turned red again under the upper lids. He also needed new medication for his osteoarthritis as I noticed that his front paws were bothering him and he was kind of shaky on them at times. He had also started scratching himself and needed flea drops before that got out of hand.

About his eyes, the vet said that he hardly makes natural tears and that this dries his eyes out and makes them susceptible to bacteria, so he got an ointment against the drying out and an ointment against the bacteria and we are going to constantly have to apply these. We came home with 4 packages of goodies and a bill for the Exfactor who is financially responsible for the dog's vet bills, which is good, because I could not afford them. He is not going to be thrilled about this bill, but there is not much I can do about it.

So, that's what I did yesterday instead of vacuuming and it was hot and muggy and by the time I got home, I was tired and sweaty, and the dog was also worn out from the sheer nerves of going to the vet and panting so much. I applied the flea drops and the ointments and now we hope for the best. I want to take the best possible care of him and do the right thing as long as we are able to. He's such a sweet dog, but, of course, everybody thinks that about their dog, and you love them for their very presence in your life. I mustn't even think about him not being here anymore.

This morning I had ergo therapy and I did have a short moment when I sat at the dining table that I didn't want to go, but I made myself and I'm glad I did, because it was worth it. We were with a small group and could take some time to explain where we were in our lives and what was happening with us and I said that I no longer wanted to be a victim of my moods, but wanted to have control over them and decide for myself how far a mood would take me, or if I was going to have a certain mood at all and to what point.

The therapist asked me if I was able to control that and I said that surprisingly, yes, I was learning to to some extent. That I am not a helpless victim of my moods that just take me where they will, but that I can actively put a halt to them or bend them around in another direction.

The therapist asked me how I did that and I said that I used the "crazy scale." She asked me what that was and I explained that I checked my behavior to see if it was still within the normal range all the time, and that as long as it was, everything is okay. There are certain kinds of behavior that I have that I consider "crazy" and when I start to do these things, I know that I have to run interference quickly. So that is my crazy scale. I check my thoughts and behavior against it regularly to see if I'm still on the right path and let's be honest, everybody knows what normal is and what is crazy.

This became a new catchword throughout the session and the therapist kept talking about Irene's crazy scale and how she wants to keep that one in the vocabulary. But you know, it really works and I can test any thought I have against it and say, nah, that's crazy! Or yes, that's normal. I know more than I thought I did. I can be my own guardian and my own test driver.

Now I'm sitting here very jolly having not done a bloody thing but walked Jesker and fed him, and answered all my emails and took care of some Bookmooch business. I got my first book in the mail today and I'm pleased as punch about that and I have a special section in the bookcase for new books that I get through the mail from Bookmooch.

I have also moved my hardy fern to a kinder environment, because it needs filtered light and more water, so now it sits on the kitchen windowsill beside another plant that needs extra care, and I will remember to water it all the time. It was almost dying of thirst and too much sunlight where it was, so I had to find the right place for it and the kitchen windowsill is the best place for plants that don't do well. That need nurturing.

Now it is getting to be that time of the day again. Things are slowing down. I'm yawning, which probably means I'm in need of food and a glass of juice, but I still have a full cup of coffee sitting here. Toby keeps looking at me very expectantly, but I don't know what he wants. He has kibbles and water and he doesn't want milk, so I don't know what to do for him, unless he wants me to run the kitchen faucet for him, which he likes. I guess I'll try that... No, that's not it either. I give up.

You know, it's very difficult to get a dog awake who is hard of hearing. I try it with Jesker and I have to make all sorts of noise to try and get him to react. In the end, giving him a gentle shove is what works.

I hope you had a good day, or that you are still having it. Have a pleasant evening anyway. I am going to try and read without falling asleep.

Ciao...

Ergo therapy.

After a fairly decent night's sleep, I woke up quite ready to start the day and made my cup of coffee with much pleasure and drank it while I checked my emails. Then I shut off the computer and went to my closet to figure out what I was going to wear. on the hot sunny day it was going to be.

I realized that I should wear as little as possible, but being shy about my body, that is hard for me to do, so instead of that, I found some jeans that I had not worn in over a year, because they had been too tight, and I tried them on. Well guess what, they were almost too big, but they fit well enough, so I could wear them. Glad about that, I went in search of a top and found an India style printed top that matched my favorite necklace and the bracelets I had just bought. Isn't it neat when you can go shopping in your own closet?

I got dressed and made up and did my hair and then walked Jesker in the early morning coolness, but you could already feel that it was going to be a hot day. The sky was bright blue and the sun was already gathering strength. Nobody else was out there yet and we made a long walk around and enjoyed the stillness of the morning.

Back home I had some time to go until I had to leave for ergo therapy and made myself a bowl of cereal. Then I sat at the dining table while drinking my coffee and looked out the window, but soon I was nodding off into sleep and waking up again and I kept doing that until I decided that what I needed was a brisk bike ride, so I left to go to ergo therapy.

The bike ride woke me up and I made myself a cup of espresso when I arrived at my destination. I sat out on the deck and waited for the other people to show up, which they did, one by one, and we drank our coffees and talked until our therapist showed up, who is also the head therapist. We filed into the room and took our seats and the meeting began with the usual round of everyone telling how they were at the moment and what was happening in their lives.

I'm afraid that from this point on, I constantly dozed off, until it was break time and the therapist kindly suggested to me that I go home and take a good nap. I gladly agreed with this suggestion and rode my bike home and laid down on the sofa, where I fell into a deep sleep and slept for two hours. I felt fantastic when I woke up.

Now, here's the thing. The anti psychotics have a tendency to make you sleepy. When I was taking 4 mg, I took them at night before I went to sleep, but when I went to 6 mg, I took them 3 times a day during the day. I think that it is time for me to go back to 4 mg, because a high dose of anti psychotics can make you feel depressed, and I also think that I need to start taking them at bedtime again, so that I will be less sleepy during the day. Usually, I am not on 6 mg for such a long time, because the psychiatrist does not like it, but he is on vacation right now, so I have to make the call myself and inform my SPN. I think it is the right decision.

There has always been major input from me when it comes to my anti psychotics and when they need to be raised and lowered. That's one of the medicines I have a lot of influence over, because I know best how I feel and what it does to me and right now I think I am getting too much at the wrong time. That's how I see it.


I just took Jesker out for a walk and it is awfully hot out there, in the sense that it is uncomfortable, and it is going to get even hotter over the next two days. I'm sure some people love this kind of weather, but I'm not one of them and the heat is wasted on me. I like mild temperatures and a little rain now and then. Maybe I should be living in Ireland.

I thought I had gotten my windows very clean and they are, but now I see streaks from the squeegee and it doesn't look pretty. I guess I need Aims to come and do my windows for me, she has a full proof way. I think it involves newspapers and vinegar, if I remember correctly. Probably more effort than I'm willing to put into it. I guess I don't care enough or else I would do it. I want someone else to do them for me. I have to think about window cleaners. I'll think about them real hard.

I have to sweep in a little while, because Jesker has been very merrily shedding hair again and it is piling up into little snowdrifts. It especially shows up on the dark blue linoleum in the kitchen. Then I have to do the dishes and take the dry laundry of the drying rack and there you have 3 chores. That will do in this heat. I also have to go to the tobacconist, because I'm almost out of tobacco. I did make it last, though. Nobody can say that I'm a scoundrel and a wastrel. Well, they could, but it wouldn't be true.

Right, off I go on my bike into the hot sunshine. It will be like a tropical ride in the suburbs to the exotic location of the tobacconist.

Have a good day!

Ciao...

Oh no, not again!

I had regained 8 ounces and I thought, "Well, that's okay, that's what my body is comfortable at," but this morning I got on the bathroom scale and had lost them.

Yesterday I had a tall glass of yogurt (which turned out to be too much), two slices of bread with mayonnaise and salami, and three glasses of multi vitamin fruit juice and I didn't go hungry. As a matter of fact, I felt very full and made myself eat the second slice of bread.

Bodyweight is fickle and you never know what it's going to do. Wat I'm going to do now is stay below 92 kilos and that will be my only aim. Whatever I lose is a bonus. My only other objective will be to eat healthy and make sure I get all my nutrients in. I think adding the yogurt is good for protein and calcium and it is very filling.

I'm not at ergo therapy. Our therapist is on vacation and someone else is taking her place and that happens to be the therapist who took her place several months ago when things got out of hand, so I was not very motivated to go this morning. Something in me rebelled and said no.

I want to take the opportunity to do several sets of chores of threes, but I haven't quite decided on what all of them are going to be, so I'll surprise myself. I just hope I have enough cleaning product.

Since it is morning, I am all calmness and serenity. I have slept well, as if I do anything else nowadays, but the tranquilizers and the sleeping pill do wonders. I hardly remember falling asleep or getting into bed even.

It's a lot cooler today, only 14 degrees Celsius, but in the apartment it's still 23 degrees. I could open all the windows and the back door, but then it would get too cold in here. This is pleasant and since I'm wearing my slippers, I do want my feet to stay warm. I'm also wearing leggings for warmth and my mini skirt for ease. It's nice to inelegantly cross your legs when you wear your leggings and a mini skirt.

Since the cats were being so finicky about their food, I bought them pouches of wet food, and boy, they think they've died and gone to heaven. It's inordinately expensive and I can't do it all the time, but for a treat every once in a while it is okay. I'm a sucker for happy animals who practically steal the food out of my hands before I can put it into their bowls.

Jesker was being a picky eater yesterday and wouldn't finish what was in his bowl and kept barking at me and his bowl until I took it away and gave him a Bonzo bone. That settled him down immediately. He ate the rest of it later in the evening.

Boy, try to figure out your animal sometimes, huh? He thinks he's being very clear to me and I have to instinctively know what he means. I have to be very tuned into him. He figures he's talking to me and telling me the whole story and I have to be bright enough to understand it.

He uses a lot of body language too.By the way he sits in a certain way or paces around or holds his ears, I have to make up which particular thing he wants. And then there is the urgent look in his eyes or the begging look in his eyes and the "I'm bored and I don't know what I want" look. Actually, dogs are a lot like little kids at the non verbal stage, now that I think of it.

It's time to start on my first set of three chores. I'm going to sweep three rooms first. Take along the cobwebs at the same time as a bonus. That will be a mighty fine thing to do!

Have yourself a good day.

Ciao...

Being assertive...

Well, up at 7 am, woken by the alarm clock out of a deep sleep, I sort of stumbled out of bed, knowing it was important to do so, but more than willing to sleep some more, but I made it to the kitchen to make a mug of strong coffee and set myself down on the sofa with Jesker between my knees and proceeded to pet him while I attempted to wake up.

Jesker was very demanding, wanting to be petted no matter what position he was in, standing up, sitting down, laying down and standing up again and no cat was allowed to come near. I guess he felt like we had to do a lot of bonding, but finally he'd had enough and went to sleep

I made myself a second mug of coffee and drew out the waking up process to the last minute and then got the show on the road in a hurry. Luckily, my hair is always in relatively good shape, so I don't have to mess with it much and I wear minimum make up and have it on in no time. I scrub my face first with pure olive soap and it makes my skin soft and don't apply anything to it in the summer time. No foundation, I mean, for the color. I just go rosy cheeked like apples.

I got to therapy with ten minutes to spare and then hardly anyone was there and I had time to drink a whole cup of coffee and smoke two cigarettes while we waited for the stragglers to get there, who came in at various intervals.

We had a heavy duty session and it seemed that everybody had something very important to discuss and get help with, including me, but everybody got input from the group and there was much concern and indignation and compassion and advice for everybody. Sometimes everyone of us takes on the role of therapist and gives advice, guided and led along the right path by the real therapist so we don't screw it up, but we do give our honest opinions.

When I said, "Is this it for me? Is this all I am going to be doing, making sure I stay in a stable middle of the road place without suffering from these terrible ups and downs?" The therapist said, "Oh no, that is just you applying your safety net, it is not who you are, it is going to allow you to be who you are, which is an intelligent, talented and creative woman." She said that everybody required structure and predictability to some extent to help them be who they could be and I had to work on that extra hard to make sure I always had it as a safety net.

So that made it a lot clearer to me and I know better what to do now, I understand it better now and see my abilities and under which conditions they will thrive and I am to an extent the mistress of that. I have to build in structure and predictability every day of my life.

This was my food for thought for today and tomorrow and the days after. I have to give it a place and apply it to my life. Learn to do that anyway. It's not a message I'm just going to brush aside or say that I understand it and then not give another thought to it.

Anyway, Jesker and Gandhi were in their usual spot behind the front door when I got home, and Jesker pushes Gandhi out of the way and tries to make sure that he gets all the attention, but Gandhi just slips around him and gets it anyway. I do have two hands, after all. Jesker is not that smart.

I had to send my registration to the Center for Work and Income, even though I don't have to apply for a job, I do need to be registered in order to receive my monthly allowance. It's very important that I do this every four months and I always have it written in my agenda with the paperwork by it. Jesker and I walked to the mailbox in the heat and made a circle back home again so he could sniff in some different spots for a change. This is always very exciting to him and he lifts his leg all over the place, marking his territory.

I was expecting the "cleaning person" and hadn't done a thing and didn't give a hoot. It wasn't his regular day to come and I thought it was too hot to do anything and I was not about to apologize for the way things looked. I figured he could come in for a cold drink and then leave again.

So, that is how I handled it. I told him what I did do, what I didn't do, how I didn't stick to the schedule and that I liked to figure it out on my own and offered him a cold glass of juice and then he left and next week the "cleaning woman" will be back from her vacation and we'll see what happens then. I couldn't care less. I just don't take it seriously anymore.

I just realized that I'm becoming uncomfortable revealing intimate bits of information about myself and that I want to censor what is written here and I am dubious as to what to do. I think I will let it stand for now, because I've written it down already, but I'm going to be more careful in the future. I think I will not be so specific from now on. Generalize things a little bit more.

Oh, something I don't need to generalize about is my weight, I weigh 92.4 kilos and that means I have lost 7.5 kilos or 16.5 lbs.. Yes, kudos, thank you! This is such a safe subject to talk about.

I'm going to watch the news and eat a tin of mackerel or a salami sandwich. I have to think about it. Choices!

I hope you all had a nice day and that you're not sweltering in the heat too much.

Ciao...

Shutting off the alarm clock...

This morning, I unwittingly shut off the alarm clock and went back to sleep and woke up and hour and a half later, which meant that, at my speed of getting the show on the road, I was going to be late for ergo therapy, so I made a phone call to leave a message letting them know that.

Then I relaxed and had my coffee and cigarettes in a leisurely manner until I was in a functioning mode and could take care of myself and Jesker.

There is a multitude of things I have to do in about 40 minutes time then, not to forget the cats who need clean water and milk and fresh food in their dishes. I have to pretty much do it in the proper order or else I'll forget something and leave the house without having taken my medicines or something. Mostly I manage pretty well, though, and somehow get it all done, although sometimes I forget to check Jesker's water bowl and I get home and it is empty.

So, I got to ergo therapy late and I was in the kind of mood that I really didn't care. I so didn't want to sit and listen to everybody's problems and it was hard to sit at the table and feign interest and not show boredom. I suppose that after a year, you get a little callous, not about everything and everybody, but about somethings and somebodies and I realized that I didn't want to come up with solutions and comforting words, because I didn't have any. At least not for the two people who needed them most, because they are way at the beginning of a process that I left behind me along time ago.

When it was my turn to say how I was doing, I said I was doing great and I briefly described the blip on the radar, but that it was now behind me. I don't like to sit and make a long drama out of it. It has been dealt with, it is over. No need to make a sob story out of it once again. I already did that.

I don't know. I always make short shrift of my time to speak and I always do it in the most optimistic terms. I try not to sit there as a helpless victim with an unsolvable problem. I try to be ahead of the game and already have the answers and just need help in applying them. It's possibly because I'm lucky and have a good SPN and psychiatrist, so I have people outside of the therapies to talk to.

I'm dealing with ultra rapid cycling right now and go from very good moods to low moods, but they aren't so bad that I can't face life. I just get confused and expect to be in one mood when I'm in another. Once I realized what was happening, it made it easier, but it's still a pain in the rear end not knowing which side is going to be up. Accepting the mood you're in is the best thing you can do. Embrace your mood, don't fight it. There's a lesson to be learned in each one and they're both familiar territory.

The Exfactor was here this afternoon to fix my bike. It seems that he took care of it, but I do have a funny sound now when I ride it, so maybe it is time for a new used bike. I will have to see what I'm going to do in my penny pinching mode.

Alright, with this happy tiding I'm leaving you.

The weather has been great here today, by the way, sunshine all bloody day long.

Ciao...

Early on a Wednesday morning.

I couldn't sleep, so got up early and remembered to get on the bathroom scale. I weigh 95.4 kilos. That's 0.5 kilos less than yesterday and I did not go hungry. As a matter of fact, I wasn't expecting any weight loss at all.

What I did yesterday evening, after I walked the dog, was go to the grocery store anyway, because I figured that this afternoon after ergo therapy and dance I would be to beat to do it. I bought groceries for a whole week and somehow fit it all into my bags. Luckily, it wasn't busy at the store and I was in and out of there in no time.

I was home by 9 pm and had some mackerel. I dropped a piece on the ground and Gandhi ate it, tomato sauce and all. The dog didn't even notice it. I do have system for unloading the groceries in two stages and everything has its place. I'm finding more convenient places to store things and slowly some sense of order is developing.

I had bought the cats some new cat food, which was a bit more expensive, but they eat it reluctantly, so last night I bought a different brand and hope they'll like that. Nothing is too good for the animals. Those spoiled creatures.

I bought the muesli bread, which turned out to be twice as expensive as regular bread, but I figured I am worth it. I haven't tried any yet, but I will have some in a while and let you know how good it is. It looks very appealing with all those bits of nuts and things in it, so my hopes are high.

I've just put the new cat food in the cat's dishes and Toby has discovered it and is chowing down. He likes it very much. Now it's Gandhi's turn and she likes it too. Phew!

Like I said, I have ergo therapy and I'm already tired before I've even started, I'll have to tell that whole domestic help story and it frustrates me so. But it must be done. Part of me wants to avoid it by not going and staying home to clean up the apartment, but I would only be short changing myself. I know I haven't gotten enough sleep and it's going to hit me later today.

I think I'll go back to bed for a little while and see what happens.

Have a good day everyone!

Ciao...

The beginning of the bathroom scale era.

This morning I weighed myself in my underwear like I always do and I weighed 96.8 kilos, that's 0.9 kilos less than yesterday. I am going to be a stickler about these numbers and bore you to death with them, but it's very important to me, so until I've lost all the weight, it will be the first announcement I make on every post. You can skip this part if you want to. I'm stubbornly going to keep starting off with it. Until I am as slender as a birch tree. That's the most slender tree I can think of.

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There was a very smooth talking young man at the door who offered me gas and electricity at a much lower rate and who could get me out of my three year contract with my present provider and pay the penalties for me, so I said yes, because right now I'm paying too much. My gut instinct told me to go for it. Usually I say no, but I wanted to get out of the more expensive contract anyway, which I signed up for and then found out that it raised my monthly payment by nine Euros. To me that's a lot of money. So, that was a nice interruption.

Anyway, I forgot to set the alarm clock last night, but I woke up right on time and took almost a whole hour to sit and have coffee and get my act together. I have much getting together to do in the morning. I have to see if all my parts are working and if they are in a good mood. Usually they are, but they are kind of slow starting and need some time to warm up.

Then, with a rush, I do everything I need to do in the shortest amount of time without forgetting anything and when I'm done, I look at the clock and very leisurely have another mug of coffee and a cigarette and cut it so close that I arrive at therapy with five minutes to spare, so that I can have an espresso out on the deck and ergo therapy always starts late anyway, because our ergo therapist knows that we all need to finish our cigarettes. She's sympathetic to our cause. Or should I say our need.

Ergo therapy went well. Nobody was in the mood to talk about the week before and we left it at that and made a new start, although in an oblique way we each did refer to our moods over the past week without directly linking it to the cause. Instead, we looked at ourselves personally and how we deal with adversity and how we had always done that in our lives, but there were no great revelations.

Some of us are doing well and some of us are not and together we muddle along and help each other out the best way we know how. Some of us are harder to help than others.

For the second half we had to make an individual collage of things that appealed to us and things that did not appeal to us. We had stacks of magazines and scissors and went to work. After we had put it together, we had to pin it to the wall and present it with an explanation.

The things I liked were very rugged looking men, self assured women, and handsome furniture. The things I didn't like were Britney Spears, glamor magazines and many samples of very expensive mascaras, which don't work any better than the cheap ones you can buy at the drugstore. I had more things that I liked and didn't like, but I can't remember them now. My mind's gone blank, but I remember the rugged looking men the best. Two of them had blond tousled hair, very attractive.

In the afternoon I had dance therapy, but the therapist had to go to a meeting so we only had a forty minute class, which was fine with me, because my limbs and my hips were not co-operating and I only finished two thirds of the exercises. I stood there like a fool trying to move my hips becomingly and could not do it, neither could I move my arms and hands in an alluring fashion, let alone do any of these thing while dancing around the room to the music. I think the more I dance, the worse I get. I love the music and I know I have rhythm, but I can't seem to make those movements. I'm not the least bit sexy or sensual when I do. I swear there is no hope for me, but I'll just keep plugging away.

Anyway. it did mean that I was home at 2:30 and the dog was not expecting me and I took him completely by surprise. I think he had a stunned look on his face and took him a moment to get into his greeting stance. After a nice glass of cold juice, I walked him and then made a grocery list and bicycled to the store, where it was not busy for a change. I bought my usual groceries, plus some healthy breakfast bars and some mackerel. I am trying to eat a little bit varied. The next time I'll look for something else that is interesting and that I can eat. I'll just go exploring in the store and try different things.

I needed an overseas stamp and you can't just buy one stamp anymore, You have to buy five at the time, whether you need them or not. Buying one stamp is impossible. If you want to buy a stamp for inside the country, you have to buy ten of them. Now it is handy to have ten stamps laying around, you always need those. But five overseas ones? I'll have to increase my correspondence. This was at the little post office inside the supermarket. It's very handy that it's there, but they keep odd hours, so I never know when to go. The middle of the morning and the afternoon seem to be good times.

Finally the animals had food they liked again! They ate with great appetite as if I had starved them. I bought different cat food, to see if they would like it better, because they didn't seem enthused about the old stuff anymore. I think they like this one, but it is hard to tell. Who knows with cats? They probably want my mackerel.

I get to sleep in tomorrow morning and I don't have to set the alarm clock. I am expecting someone from domestic help at 1 pm, so I'll have some time to tidy up around here. She'll notice the distinct lack of a bucket and I don't know how I've done with out one all this time. I've made do a lot.

Well, that's it for me for today. I'm tired now and need to eat. Some nutrition is called for.

Have yourself a good evening. It was supposed to be a cooler day here today, but it never happened. Maybe tomorrow.

Ciao...

Some time on a Saturday...

The time is indefinite, so I can post this whenever I get done with it. Maybe it will take me a while to write this it or maybe I'll write it in one fell swoop. You never know in the weekends. The days aren't that exciting and I usually have to find a subject to write about that's not so current.

I like the fact that the days of the weekend aren't exciting, after all the eventful days of the week. It's good to have a mindless break and to sleep a lot and to be a little bit lazy and unorganized. I slept really well last night, but I just took a nap on the sofa, which was nice, as the dog slept beside me and we both got up at the right time for me to take him for a walk.

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I've been thinking about what wears me out so much and I think it is the three hours of ergo therapy. You sit in a group of eight people plus the therapist and a lot goes on and some of it are underlying dislikes between members of the group. We just got two new members in the group and we are very weary about one of them and two of us, led by me, have aired our concerns in the group.

Whatever is discussed in the group, is supposed to stay inside the group and we had noticed this person was not sticking to these rules. We had also noticed that she very loudly discussed very intimate details of her own life out on the deck, where everyone could hear them. So there was some concern on our part about our safety inside the group with this new person there.

This woman is what you may call a very common woman. She speaks very loudly and very exaggeratedly and fabricates some details of her stories to make herself look more victimized. On Wednesday, I caught her in an out and out lie and the person who could back me up wasn't there, but she, with a stone cold face, pretended that I had made something up in front of the therapist and the whole group.

I think she has made herself immensely unpopular and now I don't know how we as a group can go on as uninhibited as we have. We obviously have a problem. I don't feel free enough to discuss my intimate details in the group and I wonder if the other people feel the same way. I suppose all I can do is wait for the next Wednesday and see how things evolve. She carries enormous grudges, so when you think you have discussed a problem and come to a good conclusion, she walks around feeling pissed off until the next time and beyond that.

I think it is these kind of things that wear me out so much, because they are so intense and wreck the harmony of the group. The therapist says I have to harden myself against things like this, because I'm going to encounter them in real life too, although maybe not on such an intense basis. I wonder if that is possible?

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In the meantime, back on the ranch, the sun is shining relentlessly and I don't remember asking for that. I distinctly remember me saying that I don't mind the occasional cloud in the sky. But I won't despair, because we will have those tomorrow and there is even some rain going to fall out of them. The temperatures are going to be around the 20's and I think that's just fine. That's my kind of weather. For those of you who are sticklers, tomorrow it is going to be 68 degrees Fahrenheit.

It's a long weekend, because we have Monday off too. That's because it is Pentecost, or Whitsunday, which was originally a Jewish holiday, but supposedly it was when the Holy Spirit descended down from heaven and struck the apostles, so they could speak in languages, so every Jew of every nation could understand them. It's the tenth day after Ascension Day. So speaketh the Bible.

You can certainly tell that we're a Christian nation by the holidays we still keep, which is really kind of silly, because there are so many people of so many different kinds of cultures living here. It seems we are just ignoring all of them. I think we should ignore all religious holidays and just make up some new ones to honor special occasions, having to do with the history of the country or contemporary issues, like international women's day or the day of the child. That's just my take on it. Boy, if only I could be a benign despot. (I'm always so convinced of my right.)

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Speaking of despotism, I'd still rather be the queen, except that our queen doesn't have as much power as I'd like to have. I don't know how many strings she can pull and how restricted she is in what she can get done, but I'd like to take advantage of the position more than she does. I would definitely push that idea of the holidays through, even if I had to take on the major Christian political parties. I wouldn't be afraid if they threatened to dethrone me and just make an appeal to my popularity amongst the population.

I don't think you'd get this sort of thing done as prime minister, They'd laugh you straight out of Parliament, even if a lot of people would agree with you. Those who have the sword in their hands, wouldn't let it happen. That's how the score stands now. We're led by the Christian Democrats, and the Social Democrats, who are in the coalition government with them, are their toy dogs and are restricted by the leash they're tethered by. I've never seen such an anti-social bunch of Social Democrats.

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The birds are chirping outside announcing dinnertime. Gosh, a good T-bone steak from the barbecue sure would taste good. "Ha, ha," she laughed fiendishly, "you will never eat such a thing again." And so it is, unless I have my gastric band removed, which I may do one of these days, but that is a story for another day.

I hope you have a lovely Saturday evening or day, whichever timezone you are in, and that your weather is kind to you.

Ciao...

Wednesday after the ergo therapy.

Well, you all know that I started feeling better after my daughter's phone call. That brought me back to reality a bit and reminded me of some very important people I love. That was very good for me and I was able to have a relaxed evening and a good night's sleep and was woken by the alarm clock at 7 AM.

I had to go to ergo therapy and it was especially important that I go, because I find that the therapist there usually sheds some light on whatever problem I am dealing with. I usually have a "Eureka Moment" there, so I assumed I would have one today also. I was bound and determined to have one.

After dressing in my lavender leggings and my black and white mini dress and my brown boots, I took the dog for a walk and then had a cup of coffee and made some cigarettes, before I hopped on my bike and rode it to the clinic. I was on time to sit on the deck with an espresso and chat with some other people before it was time for the therapy . We all filed in with our cups of coffee and found our place to sit and I was eager to start, but the therapist had an announcement first.

The clinic has been taken over by another country wide organization and they want the clients to do six half days of therapy in a week. I am doing three half days right now, so I needed to add another three. So, all of us had to add some half days to our schedule and we got the paperwork out to see what we could add.

If it all works out, I have added another 4 hour creative class on Tuesdays, a dance class on Wednesdays, providing four other women I know also go, a music therapy class on Thursdays and a relaxation techniques class also on Thursdays. That's beside the two mornings of creative therapy I already do on Mondays and Fridays and the ergo therapy I do on Wednesdays.

It's a very full schedule and there is some concern as to whether or not I can handle it, but I think I will be fine. Or am I overestimating myself now? I never know until I try it, it will be like having a job and going to work every day. I think it's good, as it will leave me less time to be alone with my own thoughts and ponder things and I will get tired and sleep well.

So, anyway, then we did our usual round and when it was my turn I told about my bad down turn and about what happened at creative therapy on Monday and that I had been drinking and had suicidal thoughts and had been very depressed and the whole damn story and we discussed all of this for awhile to get to the bottom of it and what it really comes down to, is that on Monday I felt rejected and I take rejection very personally and that has to do with my childhood.

When I get a rejection, I feel rejected as a whole person, all of me is rejected and with me that leads to extreme feelings of worthlessness and depression and self destructive thoughts and suicidal tendencies. I literally start to self destruct emotionally, but also wish it physically. I chaotically start to fall apart and stop functioning normally and it takes me a lot of talking with other people and a lot of reasoning to see my way out of that situation again.

So, you could say that I am vulnerable to rapid cycling, but that there is always a trigger that gets me started if you look carefully enough and it is probably something that would not upset someone else so much. It wouldn't fester like that.

So, that's pretty clear, isn't it? It makes sense to me.

Now for something completely different.

Today I received this beautiful bouquet of roses from my good and thoughtful blogging friend Tessa, who had it sent to me to put a smile on my face. Well, you can bet that it did. It's gorgeous and I luckily had the perfect vase for it and they stand on the dining table where I can look at them constantly and admire them very much. Thank you very much, Tessa, you peach! Some people are very good at performing random acts of kindness and Tessa is one of them.

I have to feed the Überhund and take him for a walk and then eat something and I may just get comfortable and put my pajamas on, but that's a big maybe, because it is rather early still.

I want to thank all of you who have been so supportive of me with your comments and wise advice. I hope I'm a little bit smarter now and that I will be okay now.

Have a very good evening.

Ciao...

A Migraine???

Across the Meusse.

I'm supposed to have a migraine and that's why I am not at ergo therapy this morning. The truth is that I only have a little bit of a headache and I very easily could have gone, but I didn't feel like riding my bike through the cold and rain, which was bad enough when I had to take the dog for a walk this morning. So, I'm taking the morning off with an excuse.

It is truly miserable outside and I want to be here in my warm and cozy apartment in my warm clothes with the heater turned on. The rain is dripping down the windows and obscuring my view of the street. All the cats are very wisely inside and the Überhund is curled up on his blanket, although he hasn't had his breakfast yet. I'm waiting for him to let me know when he is hungry.

I very wisely did my grocery shopping yesterday afternoon, just after it hailed for a few minutes and before it started to rain again. I hope I have bought enough groceries to last me for most of the week, because my bike was truly loaded and I only half dared to ride it. I walked it part of the way, because I had a very heavy shopping bag hanging from my handlebar. I had visions of the handlebar becoming undone and the bike becoming unmanageable and me laying flat on my face in the street. Luckily, none of that happened and it would have been a sort of slapstick, but also dangerous.

I bought tins of mackerel and sardines and mussels in a piquant sauce and I had those last night and they were very good. For someone who is always very suspicious of mollusks, I did a good job eating those. I tried not to think about their origins too much.

I also bought a lot of soup and extra vermicelli and plan to make a one liter pan full every day. I did that yesterday and managed to get three large bowls of soup out of it. I bought cream crackers and rusk toast and healthy margarine too. Now I have to make sure I don't eat too much of these items, so I have to balance everything nicely. Today I'm going to have mushroom soup and cream crackers.

I wasted a lot of time behind the computer yesterday. I spent quite some time on Facebook picking out favorites of everything under the sun and publishing them. There was no stopping me once I got started. I even picked my favorite beers, although I very seldom drink a beer. It goes to my head too quickly and before you know it, I'm drunk. I'm a cheap date.

I spent a lot of time on the 6S main site reading other people's 6S's and commenting on them. I published a bunch of them myself this weekend and you can read them if you click on my 6S button. They're under My Blogs.

I forgot to buy the required trash bags and will have to go back to the store, where I will also buy a package of strong tobacco instead of the half mild that I buy now. I want to try and see what the strong tobacco tastes like and if I will like it better. That's why I'm only buying a package and not a pot. The aubergine trash bags I can only buy at the supermarket tobacco counter, so I will kill two birds with one stone. Maybe I will choke on the strong tobacco, but at least I will have found out. It will be like smoking Gaulloises, but with the filter.

Créez.

Here's the last collage I made. It always bothers me that the texts are unreadable, but they are in Dutch anyway, so they wouldn't mean much to you, but still. Most of the images are from the pottery by the artist Ben Lisa. Some other images thrown in for effect. The background color is yellow and burnt sienna. I thought that gave a nice effect.

Here is a photograph of the way I look today. My right eye is a little bit swollen, I woke up with it. I don't know why. It must be the effect of old age. Still, not bad for an old lady, huh? I took ten shots to get this decent one. I always look so ridiculous on photographs and I never want someone else to take my picture, because I look like a nomad from Mongolia in them. All I need is a yurt in the background and some wild mini horses and yaks, lots of them.

Well, that's enough lingering here for me. I must do some work. I think I'm actually having problems with my sinuses and maybe I'm getting a cold, or it's just plain allergies. My eczema is really acting up too. Time to get out the cream and the lotion.

Have yourself a good day. Hope you don't get rained on and blown away by the weather too much.

Ciao...

Wednesday evening.

Well, here I am again. As faithful as the sunset every day. I rarely let a day go by without posting, do I? It's an ingrained habit that is hard to shed and I wouldn't very quickly give it up, unless I felt pretty bad, and I don't now. There are moments in the day that I do, but they are moments and not long periods. Little mini funks.

I hardly slept last night. After initially falling asleep on the sofa, I woke up again around midnight and stayed up until 4 AM, not realizing that I had forgotten to take my medicines until much later than usual. That was part of the problem. I was also a little bit wound up about the coming day, because I was going to ergo therapy and I had something to share there.

The alarm clock woke me up at 7 AM with much reluctance on my part, because I was trying very hard to ignore it, but it just kept on beeping and it wouldn't stop. I took my sweet old time to drink my coffee and have my cigarettes, about 45 minutes and then I had to rush to get ready. I did everything in a hurry, as far as that was possible, but I can't rush the dog when I take him out. He doesn't do his business on command, so I have to be patient.

Just as I was getting ready to leave, my very old neighbors asked me to set their digital thermostat for them, because they still have not figured out how it works and various family members come and mess around with it. This time it was turned down to 10 degrees Celsius. What are these people thinking? I showed them how it works and hope they understand it now, but I don't think so.

I got to ergo therapy on time to have a cup of espresso in the smoking room and be early morning moody with everybody else. Some days are just like that and I am not much of a talker anyway, so that doesn't stimulate things either. I should have a good joke to tell.

At ergo therapy I immediately took the opportunity to say how much it bothered me to be told that my time was going to be up without being told when and that it spoiled all my pleasure of coming there and that I would rather know a date than be left dangling in the unknown like this. The therapist tried to play the ball back into my court by asking me why that made me so insecure, but I insisted on not being told anymore that my time was running out without being told a date, because otherwise I was just going to quit.

I told her, that the next time we have an evaluation in May, with my SPN, we could discuss it and then pick an ending date if we all decided that my time was up and that was all I wanted to hear about it. Luckily, I got support from the group, none of whom wanted to be told that their time was running out.

I think I have made myself clear enough now and I realize that I am the victim of the government's cutbacks who want all people in short term treatments that are supposed to last 6 months and then whatever ails them is supposed to be cured, whether or not that is true. It's a new policy, whereas before people could take all the time they needed. Two years if they wanted to. Now, out you go into the real world, ready or not, and you can't come back until another six months have gone by, should you need to, and go on a waiting list first.

This present government is one of the worst we've had when it comes to taking the care out of care and privatizing medical institutions, amongst other things. And we're finding out that there is a lot of mismanagement and that top salaries and big bonuses are paid to people who fail at their jobs as caretakers and managers. It's a big scandal and we're only seeing the tip of the iceberg. I'm all for turning things around the way they were and as quickly as possible. Well, I don't have to tell you that. Some things don't belong in the free market. Hey, I'm a Western European socialist.

Anyway, this socialist went shopping at the yuppie supermarket this afternoon, but I shop there because it is close to my house and they have the largest variety of products. I do want choice when I shop and if I have to pay 5 cents more, I don't really care. I can't get the dog and cat food I want at the other supermarket, nor can I find the milk that I want. There are cheap supermarkets where you can shop, but I am not going to nickel and dime everything to death and ride my bike all over the place. My shopping list is too simple for that.

I have the Überhund's diet all figured out now. He gets Butcher's in the morning, which is all natural meat and in the evening he gets a small bowl of little chunks of Frolic. He likes eating them, because he enjoys chewing them. He sort of slurps them up like an elephant would slurp up a dish of water. He vacuums them out of his dish and likes them.

He is so funny when he starts to eat, because he stares at the dish and then at me and then at the dish again, as if he tries to figure out if I'm playing a joke on him. He starts to eat very nonchalantly, as if he really doesn't care, but soon his taste buds open wide and all the food disappears. It makes me very happy to see him enjoy his food. It means I bought the right stuff. Now I just need to see some weight loss.

I don't think his eye is ever going to be okay again. I am applying the ointment and it isn't getting worse, but I see no real improvement. I lifted his eye lid and had a real good look tonight and it is still red and swollen. It's like we say here, mopping the floors with the faucet turned on.

Well now, I suppose that's it for me for tonight. I am going to get comfortable and lazy and watch TV.

Have a good evening everyone. I feel sleep overtaking me.

Ciao...

Monday evening.

Well, if I plan this right, I can write a post before I go to bed and read some blogs too. That is if I don't dilly dally and spend too much time thinking about what I'm going to tell you all, and not get frustrated about the stupid keyboard keys that get stuck and make me all mixed up about whether or not I have punched down a key well enough or not, so that I have to go back and add or subtract letters.

There, that was a little rant about the keyboard, but really, it is so frustrating and I don't have the money right now to buy a new one yet. I have to wait just a bit. It is said that you learn to live with the little inconveniences in life, but I don't believe a bit of it. I am all for eliminating them as quickly as possible. It will be a great day when I toss this keyboard in the trash.

Today was creative therapy and I have to be honest with you and tell you that I don't enjoy going there as much anymore since I'm being told left and right that it's all going to end one of these days. My heart isn't in it anymore and I am not making the commitment like I was before. In a way I am already saying goodbye. I am being told the same thing at ergo therapy and I feel the same way there, so there is a kind of withdrawal on my part, as if I am not putting in 100% anymore.

I finished my clay sculpture today and it turned out okay for the beginner that I am. It has to dry now before it can go into the oven and I will start another one on Friday. This next one is going to be harder than the first one, so I've got my work cut out for me.

When I got home all I felt like doing was having a cup of coffee and a cigarette, so I did and I fed the dog who hadn't eaten it the morning for lack of interest, but he wolfed down his food this time. I took him for a walk and it was nearly pleasant outside, overcast, but not very cold with just a bit of a chilly wind. It wants to be spring, but it is very hesitant.

Then the Exfactor came over to pick up a package that had been delivered here for him and we had some coffee together. He had spent the weekend with the Paramount and it only bothered me slightly, as I pretend that she is not an entity in his life and I prefer not talking about her, though sometimes we must. I find the whole thing emotionally draining and prefer not to really be confronted with it.

I feel the same way about the therapies. Don't keep telling me it's going to end one day. Give me a date and then I know what to expect. It's rather senseless to keep me in suspense this way. I find that emotionally draining too.

I am most happy when I am home doing my own things and living my own life and handling my own schedule. When I'm not dependent on the decisions of other people, or their whims or fancies. That's when I am in the best mood. I get very down hearted when I know that my fate depends on the decisions of other people. I'd rather have a shoot out at the O.K. corral. I loose touch with my happiness on those other days and it's hard to get a smile out of me. I'm just an unhappy human being.

Tomorrow I will be alright again, because it is my day to do with as I please. I'll be my own mistress and make up my own mind about things. I'll vacuum and dust and do the laundry and sit and ponder things and feel generally good.

I have an appointment with my SPN in the morning. I'll be able to unload there a bit, Get my frustrations out.

Right, that was it for me for today. Time to go get comfortable in my pajamas. I do so like that moment of the day.

Hope you all had a nice day. Don't let the b******s get you down.

Ciao....

Medium sized hopes.

I am being very good and sticking to my own self imposed program. Limited internet, naps whenever I have the time, lots of down time when I do nothing but sit and think and arrange my thoughts, chores that are manageable, reading time, walking the dog. Well, you know, well planned acts of kindness of which I am the recipient.

I am treating myself in the best possible manner, as if I am sick and need to recuperate, but I am going to do it permanently. All I need to do is remember that I need and deserve this kind of treatment and that if I don't do this, I get in trouble and regret it afterwards.

It is working and I can stick to it because I can see the benefits. I am not frazzled and crazy and overwhelmed anymore. I am no longer obsessing and fixating and loosing touch with reality. Little by little I have slowed down and found my center again. It is pretty quiet there.

And so it seems that I always have to learn my lessons over and over again. That I don't learn them well enough the first time around. I have known the things I told you here before in the past, but it seems I had forgotten them. For a few days anyway, but maybe for a lot longer than that, because I had been struggling with myself for a while.

I am always good at catching my own dysfunctional behavior, but I am not good at picking up on the emotions that trigger that behavior and I need to get better at that. Probably the anniversary of my mother's death had been looming in the back of my head for quite some time before it dawned on me how much it bothered me, how much it hurt me still.

I was very much aware of the fact that March the 8th was coming up and subconsciously, I must have been aware of the fact that it was the 20th anniversary as well, but because I'm so out of touch with my feelings, these things always take me by surprise.I think I choose not to feel anything and then do very much anyway and get hit doubly hard. If there is one area of my life that needs improvement, it is this one.

So yesterday, I had ergo therapy and I brought up this subject, because of the drawings that we made last week of the people in which we had to color our emotions in one extreme and the other. This time we had to do one in between those two extremes and this time I was able to get in touch with my feelings and made a much better drawing that was much more satisfactory than the other two. I drew a person with an aura of colors in her and around her and they faded in a very pleasant way in and out of each other and all in all gave the impression of it being a very solid person standing there.

I said that for all clarity I wanted to redo the first two drawings and we have decided that I'll do them on Monday at creative therapy, so that there will be a chance to talk to someone should that be necessary, instead of doing them on Friday and walking around with my feelings all weekend.

I also saw my SPN yesterday afternoon and judging from the subject of our discussion, it was very clear how much my mother's death was playing a role in my state of mind and consequent feelings and behavior. I should never underestimate important mileposts in my life. I need to pay closer attention to them and prepare myself better for them, so I will tell you now that April the 16th was my son's birthday and April the 17th is my grandson's birthday.

I also went grocery shopping yesterday, so I did do something completely practical and I called my sister to ask her to take me to the store in her car, because I had so much to get, but she wasn't home, so I went on my bike and will have to go again on Saturday. I couldn't bring that many groceries home on my bike all at once.

I bought some mackerel in little cans, because I can eat one of them and just barely handle that. I didn't buy any cookies, but decided to stick to the grocery list as close as possible. I did buy some lunch meat and have to remember to eat it, because I'm not used to there being any in the refrigerator. I only buy it once in a while. I can eat three thin slices of it, maybe four.

The images at the top of the page are old ones I made some time ago. I am recycling them, because I haven't made anything new and I kind of like these. I will get going on some new ones, but in the meantime these will have to do.

I haven't taken a picture of myself yet, I may do that tomorrow when I'm put together well. Today is a lazy day and I will not bother fixing myself all up. I do have to clean the apartment and walk the dog, but I don't have to look especially good for that. Just passable.

Well, that's all the unloading I had to do for today. Thank you for lending me your eyes and your thoughts.

Have a great day, it is raining again here.

Ciao...

At the Pondorosa.

It's been an easy going day at the Pondorosa. I woke up from the alarm clock, which was good, because you'll remember that I hardly slept the night before. I was somewhat disgruntled having been woken up this way and not entirely being ready to be awake, and when I sat on the sofa and drank my coffee, I started to nod off again. So I did some stretches to wake my body up properly and made myself another mug of coffee, thinking the caffeine would kick in and really wake me up.

I did the whole morning ritual of getting the animals and myself ready and when I was done with everything, I still had to make cigarettes, so that gave me the opportunity to have half a mug of coffee before I left with just minutes to spare. I had ergo therapy this morning and I was only half looking forward to it, because I knew I would have to talk about he last couple of days and I was right about that and as I told the story, the stress of it crept back into my voice and my hands and I nervously started to find a point in the room to focus on as I related what happened.

One thing that did become very clear though, was that I don't realize that I go off into an extreme mood and don't recognize it as such. To me it just seems the end of the world and not a rapid cycling. I don't even think of that, while I very clearly should. That is because I can be very out of touch with my emotions, because I want to approach everything rationally. A mood gets triggered and off I go running into the abyss with my head cut off, totally senseless in a panic.

We're going to work on that and already started today by coloring in in two shapes of people in two sets on circumstances, happy and sad.We were supposed to do this on a purely emotional level and only use colors, but I was unable to do this and approached it totally rationally and colored them in based on that. Later, when asked to interpret the colors emotionally, I went in a panic and froze up and was unable to do it. I felt extreme discomfort when asked to do this, so we're going back to this exercise next week and I have to try and color them in based on my emotions once again.

I think my ergo therapist is very good and I trust her.

When I came home, the Exfactor was already there with a cup of coffee and a cigarette waiting for me. We have an understanding that when I am not home, he can let himself inside with his set of keys. I do trust him enough to do that and see no problem with it. The Überhund was equally happy to see me even though he did have the company.

I told the Exfactor my plans about turning the spare bedroom into a work room for me and he was more than willing to help me create the space. He is also going to drill the holes in the walls to hang up the collages as soon as I have the money to buy the frames. I already know where I want to hang them. I have decided not to sell them for now, until I have so many of them, that I feel that I can part with some of them. They are too precious to me now.

After the Exfactor left, I did the dishes and picked up the living room and then took a long nap on the sofa, which was very refreshing and rejuvenating. I felt like a million bucks when I got up. I turned on the computer and checked into 6S's and read many blog entries which are really writing exercises, and commented on those and wrote an entry myself. Nowadays, it the first site I go to, before I go to my Google reader and before I write a post. I hardly ever go to Facebook anymore and that account is pretty much dormant. One of these days...

I have deleted a lot of blogs from my Google reader. They were blogs that I pretty much skipped over anyway, unless I had a lot of time on my hands. I seem to be short of time lately and don't even get around to do everything I want to do. There need to be two of me, one to do the chores and one to walk the dog and sit behind the computer. I'd have a very clean apartment.

Take good care of yourselfs, be good for goodness sake and have a nice evening.

Ciao...

Fast Wednesday.

I didn't wake up until 8 o'clock this morning, which was late, because I had to be at ergo therapy at 9:15. First, of course, I had to have my coffee and my cigarettes and I spent a half an hour sitting in my pajamas, with the dog, just waking up. Then it was, feed the dog and the cats, take my medicines, get dressed, do my hair and my make up, walk the dog, make some cigarettes, have a cup of coffee and leave the house 15 minutes late, race my bike to ergo therapy, walk the long distance from where I park my bike to where the therapy is held and got there 10 minutes late. So, I gained 5 minutes somewhere along the line.

Actually, they had started late and were just beginning with the discussion , so I didn't miss much.The subject was the recurrence of depressions and why they kept on doing that and if there could possibly be something in your environment that kept triggering them. Now, I'm a firm believer in that, so I put my two cents worth in and could only see that these women kept on being stuck in the same roles that they had been in year after year and that here was no change in them. It was as though they were all frozen in place and afraid to do anything differently. So it seemed to me that if you kept getting depressions, and your medication wasn't clearing them up, there must be something else at play. Maybe a life style issue.

The therapist agreed with that, but could not be as blunt about it and tackled the problem more diplomatically. That's why she's the therapist and I'm not. You can't tell these people to suddenly make drastic changes in their relationships and life styles. We do everything in little steps, which are often too small for me, but that's just me. Everyone is treated with tender loving care and we don't upset the boat too much.

Well, anyway, then we had to draw a picture with pastel crayons and not give it any thought, but just let something happen, and I drew myself as a great big fat blob that was pulled down to the ground by gravity and was unmovable, and out of my mouth came the words, "Blah, blah, blah,..." and on top of me was a big black cloud that rained all over me and that is how I felt this morning. I didn't think it was a very pessimistic picture, I thought it was very realistic, because it depicted my feelings exactly.

I have been feeling so tired these past weeks and I feel like gravity is pulling me down to the ground and all I want to do is lay down and go to sleep. Now, I'm pretty sure that this is a side effect of the higher dose of my antipsychotic, so I am going to lower the dose tonight and see if that will help me any. I can't discuss this with my SPN, because she won't be in until Friday, and I don't want to call the psychiatrist, because he is not going to know any better than I am on what to do. I am making an executive decision. I am absolutely not hypomanic anymore. I am practically comatose half of the time.

Well, when ergo therapy was over, I had to rush home and walk the dog and vacuum the kitchen and the living room and the furniture and just when I was done with that, the doorbell rang and it was my friend Lucien whom I had not seen in a few months. So I made us some coffee and brought out the cookies, and the Überhund thought Lucien was just the best thing since sliced cheese and made eyes at her and wanted to be petted by her very much. He is a true social being. He also kept a close eye on the cookies and guarded them carefully from any cat that happened to get too close. He did this until he got too tired and had to take a nap.

Lucien and I had a nice visit and talked up a storm. You get around to talking about different things than when you talk on the phone. Face to face is better and I said she should come by more often. She is often in the neighborhood and it is a small effort for her to drop by and it is a good motivator for me to get the vacuum cleaner out. I like having company and having a good reason to clean up the apartment well. It's always fun to show it at its best to other people.

Tomorrow I'm going to do some more serious cleaning. The somewhat tougher jobs that I have not got around to doing yet. I just hope I have the energy for it. I am actually hoping to be inspired by the springtime madness when the cleaning bug hits. It should happen any day now.

Well, that's all I wrote for today. I think I am going to change my bed and do a load of laundry. I feel like clean sheets tonight. That will be pleasant to sleep in. I must keep busy tonight and postpone falling asleep until the last moment to get a normal night's sleep.

Ciao...