Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Being assertive...

Well, up at 7 am, woken by the alarm clock out of a deep sleep, I sort of stumbled out of bed, knowing it was important to do so, but more than willing to sleep some more, but I made it to the kitchen to make a mug of strong coffee and set myself down on the sofa with Jesker between my knees and proceeded to pet him while I attempted to wake up.

Jesker was very demanding, wanting to be petted no matter what position he was in, standing up, sitting down, laying down and standing up again and no cat was allowed to come near. I guess he felt like we had to do a lot of bonding, but finally he'd had enough and went to sleep

I made myself a second mug of coffee and drew out the waking up process to the last minute and then got the show on the road in a hurry. Luckily, my hair is always in relatively good shape, so I don't have to mess with it much and I wear minimum make up and have it on in no time. I scrub my face first with pure olive soap and it makes my skin soft and don't apply anything to it in the summer time. No foundation, I mean, for the color. I just go rosy cheeked like apples.

I got to therapy with ten minutes to spare and then hardly anyone was there and I had time to drink a whole cup of coffee and smoke two cigarettes while we waited for the stragglers to get there, who came in at various intervals.

We had a heavy duty session and it seemed that everybody had something very important to discuss and get help with, including me, but everybody got input from the group and there was much concern and indignation and compassion and advice for everybody. Sometimes everyone of us takes on the role of therapist and gives advice, guided and led along the right path by the real therapist so we don't screw it up, but we do give our honest opinions.

When I said, "Is this it for me? Is this all I am going to be doing, making sure I stay in a stable middle of the road place without suffering from these terrible ups and downs?" The therapist said, "Oh no, that is just you applying your safety net, it is not who you are, it is going to allow you to be who you are, which is an intelligent, talented and creative woman." She said that everybody required structure and predictability to some extent to help them be who they could be and I had to work on that extra hard to make sure I always had it as a safety net.

So that made it a lot clearer to me and I know better what to do now, I understand it better now and see my abilities and under which conditions they will thrive and I am to an extent the mistress of that. I have to build in structure and predictability every day of my life.

This was my food for thought for today and tomorrow and the days after. I have to give it a place and apply it to my life. Learn to do that anyway. It's not a message I'm just going to brush aside or say that I understand it and then not give another thought to it.

Anyway, Jesker and Gandhi were in their usual spot behind the front door when I got home, and Jesker pushes Gandhi out of the way and tries to make sure that he gets all the attention, but Gandhi just slips around him and gets it anyway. I do have two hands, after all. Jesker is not that smart.

I had to send my registration to the Center for Work and Income, even though I don't have to apply for a job, I do need to be registered in order to receive my monthly allowance. It's very important that I do this every four months and I always have it written in my agenda with the paperwork by it. Jesker and I walked to the mailbox in the heat and made a circle back home again so he could sniff in some different spots for a change. This is always very exciting to him and he lifts his leg all over the place, marking his territory.

I was expecting the "cleaning person" and hadn't done a thing and didn't give a hoot. It wasn't his regular day to come and I thought it was too hot to do anything and I was not about to apologize for the way things looked. I figured he could come in for a cold drink and then leave again.

So, that is how I handled it. I told him what I did do, what I didn't do, how I didn't stick to the schedule and that I liked to figure it out on my own and offered him a cold glass of juice and then he left and next week the "cleaning woman" will be back from her vacation and we'll see what happens then. I couldn't care less. I just don't take it seriously anymore.

I just realized that I'm becoming uncomfortable revealing intimate bits of information about myself and that I want to censor what is written here and I am dubious as to what to do. I think I will let it stand for now, because I've written it down already, but I'm going to be more careful in the future. I think I will not be so specific from now on. Generalize things a little bit more.

Oh, something I don't need to generalize about is my weight, I weigh 92.4 kilos and that means I have lost 7.5 kilos or 16.5 lbs.. Yes, kudos, thank you! This is such a safe subject to talk about.

I'm going to watch the news and eat a tin of mackerel or a salami sandwich. I have to think about it. Choices!

I hope you all had a nice day and that you're not sweltering in the heat too much.



jeannette stgermain said...

Irene, I like your first sentence -stumbling out of bed because you know it's important to do!! Haha, that looks like me - I hate going to bed, and I don't like getting up!
I didn't know that you had to send in your application every few months (I guess things change, also in Holland).
Hubby puts in our application for his pension - a lot of paper work, but it seems like we don't have to come to Holland for it.

aims said...

Without some form of structure and predictability in our lives - chaos would reign. We all need it.

Your safety net needs to be secure Irene. For some of us - if it is a little loose we do tend to have parts of us that want to fly away and get out of control.

You're doing great Irene. Even when you forget that you are.

Sometimes being open helps other people even though you don't know about it. However - if it makes you uncomfortable - then you are the best judge of that.

I can see that they are sending the 'cleaning' people to give you more structure and rules around the house. But it sure does seem to be odd. Perhaps they need to change their titles to something like 'cleaning administrator'.

Wisewebwoman said...

Cleaning people? My oh my? Whatever for Irene? I thought you were doing all the maintenance?
Anyway just being nosy, coming from me, who doesn't clean and needs a good one.

Maggie May said...

You know, Irene, that you are the same person that you used to be before these mood swings came into being. Don't forget that.

Hope you are not melting away as I feel I am.

Congrats on the continual weight loss! You have will power!

Frances said...

You have a good therapist there.
We all need our safety nets, of simple basic boundaries we live in and don't need to be always worrying and fretting about. Without those, we can fritter our lives away in paranoia and fear and anger at the way things aren't or are, instead of being able to live in the now and do the things we care about.

If you find these big brother non-cleaning cleaners are just there to make you conform, instead of to help you cope with life, get rid of them.
You need help with the time and bother of it, not more time spent explaining what you haven't done and why. Not time worrying about what they might think. Sod them if they won't help you in the ways you need.

marc aurel said...

Keep it personal, but disguise who you are. After all you would not want us to turn up on your doorstep. Anyway, that's how I write....

Maureen said...

Wow, you are losing weight at a great rate. Well done indeed!