Thursday, March 12, 2009

Medium sized hopes.

I am being very good and sticking to my own self imposed program. Limited internet, naps whenever I have the time, lots of down time when I do nothing but sit and think and arrange my thoughts, chores that are manageable, reading time, walking the dog. Well, you know, well planned acts of kindness of which I am the recipient.

I am treating myself in the best possible manner, as if I am sick and need to recuperate, but I am going to do it permanently. All I need to do is remember that I need and deserve this kind of treatment and that if I don't do this, I get in trouble and regret it afterwards.

It is working and I can stick to it because I can see the benefits. I am not frazzled and crazy and overwhelmed anymore. I am no longer obsessing and fixating and loosing touch with reality. Little by little I have slowed down and found my center again. It is pretty quiet there.

And so it seems that I always have to learn my lessons over and over again. That I don't learn them well enough the first time around. I have known the things I told you here before in the past, but it seems I had forgotten them. For a few days anyway, but maybe for a lot longer than that, because I had been struggling with myself for a while.

I am always good at catching my own dysfunctional behavior, but I am not good at picking up on the emotions that trigger that behavior and I need to get better at that. Probably the anniversary of my mother's death had been looming in the back of my head for quite some time before it dawned on me how much it bothered me, how much it hurt me still.

I was very much aware of the fact that March the 8th was coming up and subconsciously, I must have been aware of the fact that it was the 20th anniversary as well, but because I'm so out of touch with my feelings, these things always take me by surprise.I think I choose not to feel anything and then do very much anyway and get hit doubly hard. If there is one area of my life that needs improvement, it is this one.

So yesterday, I had ergo therapy and I brought up this subject, because of the drawings that we made last week of the people in which we had to color our emotions in one extreme and the other. This time we had to do one in between those two extremes and this time I was able to get in touch with my feelings and made a much better drawing that was much more satisfactory than the other two. I drew a person with an aura of colors in her and around her and they faded in a very pleasant way in and out of each other and all in all gave the impression of it being a very solid person standing there.

I said that for all clarity I wanted to redo the first two drawings and we have decided that I'll do them on Monday at creative therapy, so that there will be a chance to talk to someone should that be necessary, instead of doing them on Friday and walking around with my feelings all weekend.

I also saw my SPN yesterday afternoon and judging from the subject of our discussion, it was very clear how much my mother's death was playing a role in my state of mind and consequent feelings and behavior. I should never underestimate important mileposts in my life. I need to pay closer attention to them and prepare myself better for them, so I will tell you now that April the 16th was my son's birthday and April the 17th is my grandson's birthday.

I also went grocery shopping yesterday, so I did do something completely practical and I called my sister to ask her to take me to the store in her car, because I had so much to get, but she wasn't home, so I went on my bike and will have to go again on Saturday. I couldn't bring that many groceries home on my bike all at once.

I bought some mackerel in little cans, because I can eat one of them and just barely handle that. I didn't buy any cookies, but decided to stick to the grocery list as close as possible. I did buy some lunch meat and have to remember to eat it, because I'm not used to there being any in the refrigerator. I only buy it once in a while. I can eat three thin slices of it, maybe four.

The images at the top of the page are old ones I made some time ago. I am recycling them, because I haven't made anything new and I kind of like these. I will get going on some new ones, but in the meantime these will have to do.

I haven't taken a picture of myself yet, I may do that tomorrow when I'm put together well. Today is a lazy day and I will not bother fixing myself all up. I do have to clean the apartment and walk the dog, but I don't have to look especially good for that. Just passable.

Well, that's all the unloading I had to do for today. Thank you for lending me your eyes and your thoughts.

Have a great day, it is raining again here.



Maggie May said...

I like those images, irene. That is the type of thing that I found on your blog when I first knew you.

Glad you are getting on OK and hope that you feel your old self soon. Not surprising that you feel sad about your mum..... not surprising at all.
Thanks for your faithful comments on my blog even though you haven't felt up to writing. Sorry that I was not clear on Wordless Wednesday! I have put in a comment that explains everything. X

Frances said...

Sweet lady - good to hear you are caring for yourself and glad you will be taking on the burden ot the two pictures in a controlled and safe way. Your thoughts show that you made the right decision not to face them when you weren't ready.
You are such a loveable person.
It's a happy thought that you will be doing some more of your own digital artwork - gentle creative and expressive work may help you in this time. Keep well and hang on to the thought that you have come through worse successfully before. hugs

Tessa said...

Irene, it's good to go gently sometimes so that you can catch up on your thoughts and feelings and take time to rummage through and put them in place.

It's strange, isn't it, how something like the anniversary of the death of a loved one can stir up suppressed emotions and make you feel almost dizzy because of them. I'm sending soothing thoughts to you and hoping that your own personal sun shines through again soon.

John said...

Great recycling - although it might be a mistake to only think green.

Take care of yourself. My very very best.


Anonymous said...

It is incredible how our mind succombs to events in our lives such as a death of a family member, particularly one so close. We do have to go with our feelings, whatever they warrant us to do. Take care, my friend.

CJ xx

Bev said...

Great you are feeling better!!! I do actually worry about you.

My life is quite similar to you. Taking everyday as it comes.

Bev said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jeannette stgermain said...

Irene, it takes sometimes a lot of digging before we realize what our emotions really are. I don't want to say anymore since you already have a therapist.
But taking care of yourself (emotionally) is very important, so you won't have to run in cycles. Last post you wrote about flowers coming up.
So do you live in an appartment or do you have a yard (tuin)?-because you talked about transplanting a plant...
I like the images that you always have on top - you are very artistic, do you know that?!

Wisewebwoman said...

the longest journey is the one to self.
You are well on your way.
16th April is the anniversary of my mother's death, so it will be a significant day for each of us.
I would plunge into depression around that time and didn't figure it out for ages.
good thoughts always, Irene.
Thanks for recycling the pics, they always cheer me up.

Mean Mom said...

It's hard to be honest with yourself, sometimes, but you do seem to be making a lot of progress in the right direction, at the moment.

We all need to look after ourselves, because, in general, no one else will bother!

Maureen said...

I'm so glad you are so in tune with yourself.... and happy you are feeling better.

Take care, I'm thinking about you.

Omega Mum said...

I am also thinking about you. Be careful of yourself. I have also tried grocery shopping on my bike but I hit a pothole.....It's amazing how far just a few foodstuffs spill along a busy road.