Something resembling the every day Nora...

If there is anything I wish, it is to be dull again and to start off a post telling you that I'm sitting here drinking a cup of coffee and smoking a cigarette. Of course, that is exactly what I am doing, so I would be telling you the truth. I'm not quite wide awake and I definitely need the coffee, but not to get me excited, because I'm excited enough on my own. What I really need to do is calm down and relax and what I'm doing now is wait for my medicines to work, which I took just a little while ago.

It seems it was a full moon last night and it would explain a lot, especially my lunatic tendencies. I never know when it's a full moon and always find out afterwards, but it always seems to affect me. I certainly behave a heck of a lot differently than I normally do, but I haven't been myself for the past few days. I best forget about that as quickly as possible and get back to normal as fast as I can. It's better not to dwell on the abnormal times that are so hugely embarrassing afterwards.

I'm going to try to have as normal a day as I possibly can and have my thoughts organized in the same way. It will require a little bit of discipline on my part, but anything is better than how it has been these past two days. There will be no more flights of fancy and escapism. There will only be the reality of my everyday life and all the elements in it. I will take care of those things. I will do a lot of grounding and bonding with the dog and the cat. Those two ought to help me get my grip on reality back.

I suppose I ought to get more sleep. I think I awoke prematurely this morning. Since it's Sunday, it doesn't matter when I get the day started. It will start whenever I think is the right time. That's the nice thing about Sundays. You feel that no one in the world would even think of bothering you. It's a sacred day that's strictly for yourself and you don't have to share it with anyone.

Have a good day.

Ciao,

Nora

Medium sized hopes.

I am being very good and sticking to my own self imposed program. Limited internet, naps whenever I have the time, lots of down time when I do nothing but sit and think and arrange my thoughts, chores that are manageable, reading time, walking the dog. Well, you know, well planned acts of kindness of which I am the recipient.

I am treating myself in the best possible manner, as if I am sick and need to recuperate, but I am going to do it permanently. All I need to do is remember that I need and deserve this kind of treatment and that if I don't do this, I get in trouble and regret it afterwards.

It is working and I can stick to it because I can see the benefits. I am not frazzled and crazy and overwhelmed anymore. I am no longer obsessing and fixating and loosing touch with reality. Little by little I have slowed down and found my center again. It is pretty quiet there.

And so it seems that I always have to learn my lessons over and over again. That I don't learn them well enough the first time around. I have known the things I told you here before in the past, but it seems I had forgotten them. For a few days anyway, but maybe for a lot longer than that, because I had been struggling with myself for a while.

I am always good at catching my own dysfunctional behavior, but I am not good at picking up on the emotions that trigger that behavior and I need to get better at that. Probably the anniversary of my mother's death had been looming in the back of my head for quite some time before it dawned on me how much it bothered me, how much it hurt me still.

I was very much aware of the fact that March the 8th was coming up and subconsciously, I must have been aware of the fact that it was the 20th anniversary as well, but because I'm so out of touch with my feelings, these things always take me by surprise.I think I choose not to feel anything and then do very much anyway and get hit doubly hard. If there is one area of my life that needs improvement, it is this one.

So yesterday, I had ergo therapy and I brought up this subject, because of the drawings that we made last week of the people in which we had to color our emotions in one extreme and the other. This time we had to do one in between those two extremes and this time I was able to get in touch with my feelings and made a much better drawing that was much more satisfactory than the other two. I drew a person with an aura of colors in her and around her and they faded in a very pleasant way in and out of each other and all in all gave the impression of it being a very solid person standing there.

I said that for all clarity I wanted to redo the first two drawings and we have decided that I'll do them on Monday at creative therapy, so that there will be a chance to talk to someone should that be necessary, instead of doing them on Friday and walking around with my feelings all weekend.

I also saw my SPN yesterday afternoon and judging from the subject of our discussion, it was very clear how much my mother's death was playing a role in my state of mind and consequent feelings and behavior. I should never underestimate important mileposts in my life. I need to pay closer attention to them and prepare myself better for them, so I will tell you now that April the 16th was my son's birthday and April the 17th is my grandson's birthday.

I also went grocery shopping yesterday, so I did do something completely practical and I called my sister to ask her to take me to the store in her car, because I had so much to get, but she wasn't home, so I went on my bike and will have to go again on Saturday. I couldn't bring that many groceries home on my bike all at once.

I bought some mackerel in little cans, because I can eat one of them and just barely handle that. I didn't buy any cookies, but decided to stick to the grocery list as close as possible. I did buy some lunch meat and have to remember to eat it, because I'm not used to there being any in the refrigerator. I only buy it once in a while. I can eat three thin slices of it, maybe four.

The images at the top of the page are old ones I made some time ago. I am recycling them, because I haven't made anything new and I kind of like these. I will get going on some new ones, but in the meantime these will have to do.

I haven't taken a picture of myself yet, I may do that tomorrow when I'm put together well. Today is a lazy day and I will not bother fixing myself all up. I do have to clean the apartment and walk the dog, but I don't have to look especially good for that. Just passable.

Well, that's all the unloading I had to do for today. Thank you for lending me your eyes and your thoughts.

Have a great day, it is raining again here.

Ciao...

Lazy Sunday...

I am planning on having a lazy Sunday. That includes taking many naps and hanging out behind the computer and watching interesting, I hope, programs on the television. I want to have a day of sheer self indulgence and the least amount of responsibility. Well, I'll take care of the cats and walk the Überhund, but other than that I will contemplate my navel and stand in front of my closet and look for pretty clothes to wear. Maybe something good will jump out at me.

Then I'll look in the bathroom mirror and see if I have any stray hairs on my chin while wearing my extra strong set of spare reading glasses that I can't wear behind the computer, but that are perfect for rounding up stray facial hairs. Yes, I am at that age of confused hormones that can't decide if I am still enough of a woman not to grow a beard. It's the curse of womanhood and hardly ever talked about. Luckily, they are all blond and not easily seen by other people.

I will contemplate my navel while drinking mugs of decaf and smoking handmade cigarettes and think about such issues as will I part my hair to the left or the right, will I make it curly with the curling iron or just leave it straight and what will I do about the two kilos that I gained and will I be able to loose them by next week? See here the uncomplicatedness of my thoughts. I keep them that way on purpose and selectively think that way, leaving the larger issues for other moments when I am more willing to tackle them head on at braver moments.

I will pet the Überhund and have several cats sit on top of me and not be bothered by the addition of hair to my black cardigan, if that is what I end up wearing. I will wear my Pippy Longstocking leggings of which I have 3 pairs in different colors and feel amused and silly by them.

I will also, probably, contemplate the walls, which need a coat of paint, but the thought of that is too daunting for me, so I will not dwell on that too much. Better think of collages and colors and images and texts and that tomorrow is Monday and I can go to creative therapy again.

So you see, I will have a busy contemplation time and hopefully sometimes my mind will wander into an area of nothingness and be as blank as an unwritten piece of paper.

I was such a daydreamer as a kid, that very often I was oblivious of what happened around me and had to be called back to reality with some effort. This gave my parents the impression that I was somehow not quite functional, as in dysfunctional, and they worried about my state of mind. They expected little of me and were surprised when I did well. I daydreamed my way through grade school and didn't wake up until high school where I had to keep my wits about me.

Sometimes, I have a hard time understanding what people say to me and I either fake it and pretend that I heard them, or I ask them to repeat themselves. It all depends on how comfortable I feel with that person. Sometimes this creates misunderstandings, because I don't react in a way that is expected of me in response to what has been said to me. I think people must think I'm a bit of an airhead, when really I just didn't understand the words they spoke to me. It was the tower of Babel to me. I like people who articulate well and speak loudly. I've had this problem my whole life.

I learned to speak up and clearly when I lived in the States. I acquired one of those loud American voices. Hearty and cheerful. I could small talk with the best of them and no subject was out of my realm. It was a problem when I came back to the Netherlands, because I had forgotten so much of the language and I became timid and self conscious about speaking out my thoughts for which I had no words. I was verbally handicapped and could no longer small talk, let alone talk about the big issues. I always reverted back to English.

It split me in half and I was only half a person and I didn't recognize the Dutch one and had a hard time coming to grips with her. I reverted back to being a child in my dependencies and felt very helpless. I had to carve out a whole new woman. A Dutch woman with an American tint. It took me quite a while to give shape to this person and the mastery of the language was a very important part of this. The problem was that my thoughts and my dreams were in English, so I constantly had to translate myself.

I have been here 15 years now and I think I have made the transformation, but I still love the use of the English language and in a way, it will always be my first language in which I can say a whole bunch of things that I can't say in Dutch. Depending on the subject and the characters, I either dream in English or in Dutch. I can say endearments in Dutch now and swear in Dutch now also, so I have come a long way.

I don't daydream much anymore. I've become much too alert for that. I am constantly monitoring myself, as I always keep track of my inner self and its state of mind. Aberrations are dealt with immediately. I will keep an even keel. There will be no tilting to the right or left. My state of mind is like a child that needs a guiding hand all the time and needs to be led on the right path constantly, lest it strays away too far from its destiny. That's the kind of discipline I've taught myself over the past years.

I am Dutch enough now to care a great deal about what happens inside this country and I bend myself over the big issues and form opinions on them. It's a good country to live in and most people are of good will. The politics aren't obviously corrupt and when you vote, you get the feeling that you make a difference. Things could be better and there are a lot of conditions I would change, but I can only achieve that by voting. At least I can vote, which I was never able to do in the States, not being a citizen of that country.

The best part about being dutch is, that I have found my pragmatism again and my sensibility, but maybe those are European traits. I am not a flag waving, take it or leave it Yankee. I know that is a broad statement, but you get my drift. Things rub off on you.

I think if there is anything Dutch people abhor, it is nationalism, having come in contact with that in an extreme form during world war II, We suspect anyone who starts spouting that kind of nonsense. It goes against our grain, even though secretly we are proud to be Dutch, we don't like to be organized in a group of fatherland lovers. We don't salute our flag and hardly know the words to the national anthem, but don't attack us as Dutch people, because we do have our pride. We pour scorn on ourselves, but don't allow an outsider to do it.

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I've been out walking the Überhund. It isn't very cold out, 3 degrees Celsius. That does make difference between freezing and not freezing. It was almost balmy. You get used to anything when it is cold and appreciate any rise in temperatures. It was overcast, but it is supposed to be sunny today. A meek little sun that hardly warms the earth, but does its best anyway. Its going to be a bit warmer in the next few days. All is well as long as you wear layers of clothes.

Here in the South, people are very chauvinistic about their language and lifestyle. The language is spoken by high and low and the life style is Burgundian, with the emphasis on good food and drink. There are many good restaurants and many fun cafés. Downtown is a perfect area to get lost in and do nothing but move from one café terrace to the other to get different views of the old buildings. You can have cappuccinos with cookies all afternoon, though you can alternate those with glasses of white wine or good beer from the local breweries.

There is nothing wrong about being a woman on your own and going into a café. Nobody will bother you and you very leisurely can have your drink and enjoy the noise and activity around you. I have never seen cases of drunkenness during the day and everybody is in a good mood.

Th best thing about living here is that it is a city, but it feels like small town, because it is compact and you can get around by foot or by bike. Once you learn to understand the language, you don't feel like an outsider so much. A Hollander.

Well, that's about all I have to share with you today. Don't forget to read my post below about the medicines.

Have a great day.

Ciao...