Culture...

I got up early this morning and was full of good intentions. I didn't want to act like it was another weekend day and waste it sitting around in my bathrobe, not accomplishing anything. The first thing I did early this morning was walk Tyke when it was still dark outside and cold. It was even snowing a little bit. Luckily, Tyke cooperated and got his business over and done with quickly, so we could return to the warm apartment soon. I did let him sniff around on the field for a while, but it was too cold to linger long. 

Once we got back inside the apartment, I realized that I was still a bit sleepy and I laid down on the sofa under the red fleece blanket and closed my eyes for a while. I had planned to watch the cultural programs that were going to be on that morning, so I had turned on the television, but all I saw were 5 minutes of news and then I fell asleep and didn't wake up until noontime, so I slept for a long time. 

I immediately made myself a cup of coffee, and then another one, so that I would be alert and well and then I took Tyke for another walk. It was a bit less cold outside and the sun was shining. Still, there was a lot of ice underneath the freshly fallen snow and walking was a bit treacherous, even in my new boots. I certainly mustn't get a false sense of security, because I can still slip and fall. 

After I took Tyke home, I walked to the tobacco shop very carefully, although in some places people had cleaned their sidewalks really well. They had sprinkled them with salt and gotten rid of all the ice. I slipped a few times, but managed to find my footing anyway, so they were just close calls. 

I bought a chocolate bar at the tobacco shop along with my usual supplies and made my way home, aware now of the treacherous places and avoiding them as much as possible. Tyke and Gandhi came to greet me both when I walked in the front door and you would have thought that I'd been gone for hours. It does feel good to be welcomed so, although Tyke was also very curious about what was in the bag that I was carrying. I didn't give him a chance to look, afraid that he'd find the chocolate bar.

I watched television all afternoon. Some of it was interesting and some of it was inane. At least I was dressed and I wasn't sitting around in my bathrobe. That was one redeeming feature. At least it wasn't a day like last Saturday that I let completely go to waste. I do feel that I did something useful. 

I'm waiting for it to start snowing again, because it is supposed to. I'll go walk Tyke in the snow. The country has been in chaos because of the snow and the ice. Planes, trains and automobiles have been delayed or canceled or stuck in traffic jams. People are told not to go anywhere unless they absolutely have to. There's a terrible mess at Schiphol Airport and many passengers are stranded. 

I must go and watch the latest news. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Under the weather...

I'm sitting here in the late afternoon with my second cup of coffee. I am enjoying it very much. It is hot and tasty and freshly made. While I am writing this. I also have to throw the rubber ball with the bell in it for Tyke, so I'm doing double duty.  It was stuck beneath the sofa, so I had to get it out from underneath first with the help of the African walking stick. It is his favorite ball now and he completely ignores his tennis balls. 

Today we got a pulling rope with a latex tennis ball attached to it in the mail. You can all guess what happened to the tennis ball in the shortest amount of time, right? He was tearing that apart within no time. I had to cut the rest of it off before he swallowed all of it. Luckily, we still have the pulling rope and it seems to be pretty sturdy. I think it will last a while. Fingers crossed. 

I may or may not be coming down with something. I have just a bit of a sore throat and a cough and a headache and I was especially tired today and spent a lot of it sleeping. As a matter of fact, I'm still in my bathrobe and pajamas and have no desire to get dressed. I have sore muscles and I'm tired. I have been around a lot of people who were or are sick, so it wouldn't surprise me if I picked something up. I rarely get ill, though, and I bet I'll be over this in no time. I'm a pretty sturdy woman. I'll take some aspirin and be as good as new in the shortest amount of time. 

It snowed a little bit this morning, but we're not expecting any more now. Tomorrow it's going to rain and on Sunday as well. Things will turn into a nice slush and be drabby. After we had all that snow yesterday that coated all the ice, I'm almost sorry to see it go, but it will be nice to have clean streets and sidewalks for as long as it lasts. Who knows what the winter will bring us? I hope this was it for now, but I'm afraid to be hopeful. I remember last year very well with the seemingly endless cold and snow. 

I was playing ball with Tyke, but he just rediscovered his pulling rope, so he's forgotten all about me and the ball. That means I can sit and concentrate on what I'm doing. I don't know if it will make any difference as to the quality of my writing. I think the distraction may have been good for me. At least it prevented me from daydreaming. I must not fall into reveries now... 

Well, he let me play tug of war with him very reluctantly. It's his rope and I better remember that. 

These are the boots I ordered with the profiled soles. They are from Scapino, but they look like Ugg boots and they are lined also. I expect them to be pretty comfortable. I hope they withstand the test on the ice, that's the most important thing, but if they are warm also, then that would be good too. I don't have any warm boots. I can already see myself walking in these like a Laplander, ready to go get my reindeer.  I wish my sheepskin coat matched them in color, but I have no such luck, drats. Now I must save up my money to buy such a coat.

That puts me on a whole new train of thought. Those of winter coats and how to get the best one and when to buy one. I must put some thought into this. Mmm...

I do get ideas into my head that get stuck there and that are hard to get rid of once they do. I do fixate on things. I will be looking for the coat I want everywhere now. As if I can afford it, right? I would probably have to steal it and I'm too honest for that. I couldn't get away with it. Darn.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Snow!

It's been snowing for about four hours and we have several centimeters of it. So far it's still pretty and Tyke and I have already been out in it. We got a dusting of it all over ourselves. I was smart enough to wear my snow hat and it didn't mess up my hair too much. Tyke enjoyed it in the snow. I knew he would. He's that kind of dog, but I think all dogs like snow. They are like kids and like the adventure of it. It's going to keep snowing tonight and during the night. It's going to be cold.

I had a productive day today anyway. I got chores done in the morning and took a shower and found some nice clothes to wear. I discovered a top that I had forgotten the existence of. Isn't it nice if you are forgetful? It made me think of another top I had forgotten the existence of. Then I rediscovered some ankle boots that were very dusty, so I cleaned them up and put them on and took Tyke for a walk. 

I made phone calls that were necessary and checked my bank account and discovered a little surprise, which made me happy, and tried to figure out a way to get 10 detailed and descriptive bills from the Internet company, but I'm still working on that. I may not be successful with them, because I have an All in One Package and pay a flat rate. 

When my personal helper got here, I already had a lot of things done and I was ready to sit down and have a cup of coffee and a good chat, which I don't think she minded. We did do the dishes and I broke the handle of one of my favorite mugs. I will see if I'm able to glue it back on. I hope I have the right glue. I don't want the handle to come unstuck when the mug is filled with hot chocolate. 

Right after she left, the Exfactor showed up, but he was unable to fix my tire, because he didn't bring the right tools to take my chain guard off. Apparently, my screwdrivers were too short, so he's coming back tomorrow. That's when he'll do the groceries too, because he was unable to do them without the use of my bike. Luckily, I have just enough milk left to last until the morning. Actually, I think he was too tired and in no shape to do the job. It's better if he does it tomorrow when he's better rested. 

In the meantime, my domestic help had shown up and as a treat to me she completely cleaned up my whole patio of all the leaves that had covered it and she got it done in half the time it would have taken me. It had been a job that the prospect of was going to give me ulcers. I fretted about it so much and the longer I put it off, the worse it got and now, just on time, she got it done before the snow started to fall. I do feel like I have guardian angels in my life. 

She does stay and visit now when she's done with her work and we talk about  ordinary every day things and get to know each other. I'm old enough to be her mother and she says 'thee' to me. I like people addressing me that way. It's a sign of respect and I appreciate it. I do reciprocate by being respectful to her too. 

After she left, I walked Tyke in the snow and when I came home I discovered that I had no Internet connection, which I tried to remedy by taking the cable out of the modem for 5 minutes like they recommend, but I did that five times and I still had no connection, so I called technical help. The woman there told me to check my Internet connection at the hard drive and I did and voila, I was on line again. Apparently Tyke had pulled loose the cable when he chased his ball. I must remember to check that, because I think this has happened to me before. I bet I'll forget it again the next time.

The delivery boy from the pharmacy was just at the door and he brought so much cold with him that now I am cold and he was standing in the relatively warm stairwell. It's 28F but it feels like 22F. I will take Tyke out. It's not snowing too badly now.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

A pocket full of posies...

I think I've just about had enough coffee. I'm wide awake enough anyway. There are no cobwebs left in my mind whatsoever. I can think clearly now and I've taken Tyke for a walk in the not unpleasant morning temperatures. I suppose it is a little bit chilly, but when you're dressed warm enough, it isn't bad at all and there's no wind to speak of, so it's very enjoyable. 

It's always the wind that makes a day unpleasant and colder, especially at this time of the year. Especially if it comes from the north or the east, from Russia. Wind from the south and the west isn't as bad in comparison. Weather that comes to us via England is usually wet, as it comes from the Atlantic and carries lots of rain. The poor English people can't help it. 

We're lucky here in our little corner in the south in that a lot of it misses us and goes to the rest of the Netherlands. Sometimes we longingly look at the sky for some rain to come down, although lately we've had enough. There was a lot of flooding in Belgium and a lot of damage, but we did better and were better prepared. If there's one thing we've gotten good at, it's how to be prepared for an overabundance of water. There's a plan of which land behind the dikes of the rivers to flood if the water gets too high. 

The sun has come out and it promises to be a nice day. The sunlight is coming in through the living room windows and will warm the place up. I had the heater on for a while this morning to take the worst of the chill out of the air, though it was really nothing and it just seemed chilly. I don't know why that is at this time of the year, but it seems to be colder at reasonable temperatures that you wouldn't worry about if it were springtime or summer. And then consider the amount of clothes I wear inside, which are double layers. Silly, isn't it? 

The fallen leaves outside are decomposing and turning into a fine mess. They get stuck under my boots and I walk into the apartment with them. I walk on the grass with Tyke were they are in abundance and nobody rakes them up. I wonder what other fine messes I am unknowingly going to step in one of these days. I mustn't think about it. At least my boots can handle a mess, they are pretty sturdy. I still must buy those hiking boots, but I'm waiting until I have the money and hope the snow and ice hold off until that time. Wouldn't it be great if we had a mild winter? Wishful thinking, right? The weather is so kind to us now, that it is hard to imagine it turning against us with arctic conditions.

Tyke is barking at me, but I keep ignoring him, otherwise I'll get a spoiled dog. He does have to know that I'm not going to jump up and do something for him whenever he thinks I ought to just to keep him quiet. I try to keep him quiet for the neighbors, but they'll have to put up with a little bit of noise now and then. I'm going to get an ulcer otherwise. 

He's given up and gone to sleep and I'm going to end this epistle. I'm going to take my medicines and read my book and take a nap, because it's Saturday and because I can. 

Have a great day!

Ciao,

Nora

In the middle of the night...

I just had a cup of tea and now I'm having a tall glass of milk. I figured that I didn't need to be drinking coffee at this time of night. I don't need it to function anyway, I do okay without it. Although come to think of it, I may be a little dull without it. I may make a little coffee yet and see if that will enliven me a bit. I do depend on artificial stimulation to get my brain to perform at its best. It's no good sitting here half awake when I could be fully awake. Especially not if I'm going to write a blog post.

Yesterday I got a nice surprise in the mail. It was a gift certificate from my daughter to spend at bol.com. I was able to get five books that I really wanted and if I'm lucky they will be here for my birthday. It was the nicest thing I've gotten in a long while and it was the perfect gift. I have such a long wish list at bol.com that it wasn't difficult to pick out the books that I wanted. I had a great time choosing them and getting the most for my money. What a blast that was. I do seriously have to make room on my bookcase now and remove some books that are unimportant and move those to the bedroom. I don't need to tell you that books are my greatest treasures. I value them as much as I value my clothes, if not more. More, I guess.

Yesterday was a strange day other than that. I completely wasted it doing a whole bunch of unnecessary things that I thought were important at the time I was doing them. They all involved sitting behind the computer and they all took up a lot of my time, but looking back on them now, I think none of them were worth it. I kept getting involved in little projects that I thought were interesting and necessary, but that didn't amount to a hill of beans and that may as well have been left undone.

Sometimes I get caught up in things that suddenly grab my attention and I think it is very important that I do them immediately at the cost of everything else. It's not until after the fact, when the spell has been broken, that I see it has been completely useless and that I may as well have spent my time doing something completely different. I came to my senses early in the evening and took Tyke for a walk in the fresh air to get those obsessive behaviors out of my head. I'm not planning on having a day like that today. I have to grab myself by the neck and pull myself back to reality where I belong.

My personal helper is going to be here today and so is my domestic help. I have to do a few chores beforehand and I think that the Exfactor is also going to come by. He can go to the store for me and get the few things I forgot about the other day. He had offered to do so when I was trying to remember everything for my shopping list and couldn't think of. I will have a full house, but the more the merrier, right? As long as everybody co-operates and does what they are supposed to do, I'm happy.

I can't believe it's Friday again. It seems it was only Friday just a few days ago, but I'm not complaining. The week just went by awfully fast. I'm planning on reading a lot this weekend. I want to finish the novel I'm reading now and start a new one and I have so many to choose from. When I look on my bookcase I see so many possibilities. I forget what is up there and I really have to have a good look at all the shelves so I don't miss anything. Everywhere there are books that I haven't read. It's like going on a treasure hunt and being very successful.

I have to choose new clothes to wear today and I want to wear something very different than I have been wearing. I have to have a good look in my closet and pick out something fun that I haven't worn for a while. I keep wearing the same sets of clothes, because I think they look good and I'm comfortable in them, but that's silly, of course. I should get out some of the other things. I do have enough to choose from. I must also wear my new boots, which I have been saving for the right moment. Well, today is as good a day as ever.

I told you the coffee would perk me up and it has. I was sitting here as dull as a wallflower and now I am lively and full of myself. It only took a cup and a half and I'm a human being again. That cup of tea just didn't do it for me. Who was I fooling? There's a difference between night and day.

I have to go to the post office today and mail some books for Bookmooch. I keep getting books in the mail myself and there are quite a few underway. That's another reason to make room on the bookcase. I've already looked at it to see what I can move to the bookshelf in the bedroom and it will be a painless thing. I have large binders of administration in one cubbyhole that have no business being there. They look quite unattractive and they should go. I will gladly move them out of there. I will have to buy a smaller bookcase soon, though, and find a place to put it. I will have to look in Ikea and see what they have on offer. My sister has one like I have in a smaller version and it is quite attractive and may just do the trick. I will go to their website and have a look.

I have to take a shower and wash my hair with the blond shampoo. I haven't used it the last few times and now my hair doesn't look quite as nice. The blond shampoo brings out the highlights. If you're a natural blond, I can recommend using it. I have gray hairs sprinkled throughout , but it just looks like I had my hair lightened a bit.

I will go in search of clothes to wear. I will put an outfit together that will be just right. Something cheerful and perky to match my mood. To match my mood on coffee. I do have some idea of what it's going to be . I think I even know which necklace I'm going to wear, but maybe it's going to be a scarf. It depends on how cold it is when I go out to walk Tyke. It is 10C now, so a bit on the cold side. I can take my time because it isn't even light outside yet. That means I can pamper myself after my shower with body lotion and facial cream and really fix my hair well. I won't be in a rush like I usually am.

Have a terrific day, everyone. It's been a pleasure to wile away the very early morning hours with you while you were asleep.

Ciao,
Nora

A little stress?

It is possible that with the approach of autumn I've been feeling a little more stress lately. Needless to say that shows up in the posts I've been writing. I think there's been the undertone of just a bit of neurosis in them and the last thing I want to do is come across as a neurotic woman. That means that I have to regroup and get my act together. I have to practice a bit of mindfulness and not let my high strung emotions run away with me.

The best way to do that is to take deep breaths and slow down and stop and think about what I'm doing. To take inventory of myself and my feelings and how I want to react to them and what I should do instead of acting in a knee jerk fashion. I can't run around like a chicken with its head cut off, I do have more sense than that.

One thing I won't do anymore is go around making broad statements about myself. I will not say that I am something or other simply because I have decided that for a moment it is what I am most like. That's dangerous and putting myself in a box with a label in which I possibly don't belong. Besides, I don't want to put myself in a box with a label. That's too restrictive and doesn't describe all of the many facets which also make me who I am. So, broad statements are out. I won't pin myself down.

I have to be mindful of the shorter days and the way the light slants in the afternoon. It is autumn light and the stormy weather and the rain make it feel like autumn too. It's mostly the light, though, that makes the difference and I know it. I'm familiar with the color of the sunlight at the end of the day at this time of year and I'm familiar with the feelings of nostalgia and sadness that hit me. I think it's time to bring out the Bright Light Energy Lamp and to sit in front of it half an hour every day.

Anyway, I'm sitting here with my cup of coffee in the middle of the night. I woke up because Tyke was pestering Gandhi, but I think I would have woken up anyway because I always do. I don't really need an excuse for that. It has finally stopped storming, which it did all day yesterday well into the evening. There was a very strong wind, which rattled the bedroom window and pulled at the window shade. There is a clear sky outside and all is silent, which it usually has a tendency to be at night. If it were winter now, it would be snowing. That's how silent it is.

Tyke has finally settled down after initially thinking that exciting things were going to happen because I was up. We go through this every night and you would think that he would have caught on by now that nothing is going to happen. He's asleep on the sofa now and as innocent as a puppy, which in many ways he still is. Gandhi has settled down in the used paper box. I guess she figured that was the safest place to be away from Tyke who adores her too much. He's completely smitten with her.

My boots got here yesterday, but I haven't taken a photo of them yet, nor have I taken photos of Gandhi and Tyke. I will do that today if I think of it. The boots fit well and they are the right size. I can even wear thick socks with them this winter. I sprayed them with a protective layer immediately because they are suede and I spilled milk on them right away which I could wipe off easily.

I'm almost done using the coffee pads for the Senseo machine and will be putting the regular coffeemaker to use soon. I've got the filter coffee and put it in glass cannisters with tight lids to guard the freshness. The Senseo machine is a mess now and constantly leaks and is ready to be put to pasture. No amount of vinegar is going to save it. I'm surprised it hasn't completely come apart yet. I will never have another Senseo machine again considering the expense and the relatively short lifetime.

I've been wearing my short, black, leather jacket and I'm glad I've got it because the weather has been blustery. The wind has a cold edge to it and I think it's just a little bit too cold for just a cardigan. But that may just be me and I may be more susceptible to the cold, although I like the cool weather. I like dressing up for it and I'm glad I get to wear some clothes that I like and my black leather jacket is one of them. It's got handy pockets for when I take Tyke for a walk. I don't have to carry my keys and the baggies in my hands for lack of pockets.

I remember when I bought that jacket and I was so pleased with it. I thought it was going to be warm enough for winter, but that proved to be wrong. It's not warm enough when it gets real cold. I need my other leather jacket for that or even my thick suede coat with the furry liner. I've got this incredibly long, warm scarf now that I can wrap around my neck at least twice. That ought to keep me warm enough. I've also got my dress up scarves to wear when the weather gets cooler. I do want to buy some new gloves that are a little bit more fashionable and that match my scarf. The pairs I have now are the wrong color and outdated and not as thick as I would like.

You see, in my mind I'm getting ready for winter and it isn't even fall yet. I'm mentally preparing myself for it. I don't want to be caught unawares. I hope it's not going to be the same long hard winter we had last year, but I'm prepared for anything. But first I have to prepare myself for fall and its beautiful colors. I hope I have the energy to take Tyke for long walks and see the beauty of the changing colors of the trees. I wonder when that change is going to start?

I'm going to try and go back to sleep again. I should be good for a few more hours, though I really feel like staying up, but it's too early. I wouldn't know what to do with myself.

Have a good day when you get up.

Ciao,
Nora

After midnight...

I went to sleep real early last night, it was still light outside, but I didn´t care. I was yawning and tired and ready to go to bed. I couldn´t think of a better place to be and all I could think about was how nice it would be to stretch out under the duvet and read my book. It had rained all evening, sometimes very fiercely, and I hoped it would keep on raining during the night. No such thing happened, though, and now it is only lightly cloudy, but it is still 20C outside and warm.

Needless to say. because I went to sleep so early, I woke up after midnight and was wide awake again. That´s when my sleeping pill stops working. I should say, my fall asleep pill, because that´s all it is. I won´t get real sleepy again now for a few hours and then go back to bed. You could say that I´ve had a long nap.

I googled my boots and found a picture of them, but they were the wrong color and didn´t look nearly as elegant as they are, so I´m not going to post it after all. Maybe I will take a photo of them when I get them tomorrow. I can take pictures of Tyke and Gandhi at the same time and post them too. You will finally get to see what Tyke looks like with his short haircut.

Every once in awhile a dark thought crosses my mind. It is like a dark cloud crossing in front of the sun. It only lasts for a minute and then it is gone again, but for that minute I am steeped in moroseness and I am reminded of what it is like to be depressed. I hope these dark thoughts are not harbingers of a depression and I´m trying to treat them lightly and not take them too seriously.

I do want to be alert to the signs, though, and not be taken unawares. They are increasing in occurrence and that´s what I want to prevent from happening. I may have them due to circumstances. I am the support system of my younger sister, who wants advice, but who will listen to none of it and keeps making the same mistakes over and over again, no matter how much input I give her. I´m now to the point where I want to withdraw my support and let her find her way on her own. This is a hard decision to make, though, but I´m disheartened enough to make it.

I never want my mental health to be dependent on that of other people´s. It can´t be so that I have to pay the price for the foolishness of other people´s actions. I´m sure that it´s not how it´s meant to be. I do think we should help each other, but when it stops being help and turns into an exercise in futility, you have to stop putting in the energy and the effort.

I don´t know if this is the cause of my dark thoughts. I may have them all on my own regardless of this. It may be that time of year when it is approaching autumn. The weather sure has been like it and the days are getting shorter, especially with the rainy days. I have to turn the lights on early in the apartment, gloomy as it is when the sun doesn´t shine.

Tyke has misplaced his tennis ball and I can´t find it anywhere. I have been on my hands and knees looking under all the furniture, but it has disappeared. I´ve been in every room. He keeps coming to me asking for it, but I have no idea where it is. It´s very frustrating and I hope he finds it himself, but he is as stumped as I am. He loves that ball and I should get some more.

I think it´s time to go back to bed. I´m ready now. I´ll get myself a glass of milk and be off.

Have a good morning when you get up.

Ciao,
Nora

Wasting time...

The greatest danger of a lazy afternoon behind the computer is that you will end up spending money and I just did. I ordered a pair of boots. I can't get the picture of them, although I tried because I wanted to share them with you. For some reason that didn't work out. They are from Esprit and I got them on sale and saved 50 euros on them. I thought that was pretty darn good and didn't want to waste the opportunity. They were calling my name and they were my size. I'm congratulating myself with my good fortune.

The coffeemaker has been delivered, but I haven't unpacked it yet because I first want to use up my Senseo coffee pads or as long as the Senseo machine allows me to do it. On Monday the Exfactor is going to be here and I will ask him to get the best ground coffee and the unbleached filters when he goes to the supermarket. I would like to get the same brand as the coffee pads I use now, but I don't know if they have that in regular ground coffee. It tastes good and is relatively inexpensive so it would be great if they did.

I'm going to change my bed in a little bit and do a load of laundry. I have some clothes I have to wash and they will go in with the sheets and pillow cases. I will look forward to a clean bed tonight. I always want to make sure that I have something good to look forward to, no matter how small the event is. Yesterday it was a chocolate bar that I had saved from my trip to the tobacco shop. It was a real treat. I do like chocolate so very much and allow myself to have some about once a month or so. I think having it more often would be dangerous.

I haven't been on the bathroom scale for a while, but I rely on the way my clothes fit me to know if I'm gaining or losing weight. I seem to be okay and I don't want to neurotically step on the scale all the time, although there were periods when I did that. I've broken myself of that habit. I don't worry about how much I weigh. I worry more about how my clothes fit me and about how I look. If I feel good about myself, I don't worry about anything at all.

It's been a warm day. Outside it is 27C and inside it is 25C. I have the back door open and I just opened the kitchen window to get a draft in here. It is very pleasant because I'm sitting right in it. There are some clouds blocking the sun every once in a while and tomorrow we are supposed to have thunder storms. On Monday it's going to be cooler and it's going to rain again.

Tyke is lying by my feet and is sound asleep. We've both had kind of a lazy day, caused by the warmth, no doubt. It isn't so hot that it is unpleasant, but it is humid so you don't want to do too much. Besides, it's weekend and we're not supposed to exert ourselves. Tyke has the right idea when he lies down on the cool linoleum.

I fell asleep on the sofa at noon, quite unexpectedly because it was not in the planning. I was confused when I woke up and tried to figure out what time of the day it was. I was discombobulated. I only slept for about an hour, but it was enough to make me think it was evening and that I should get ready to go to bed. I wouldn't have wanted to without the clean sheets. I was surprised when I saw what time it was and had to have a cup of coffee to clear my head. Then my sister called and I could hardly have a conversation, that's how muddled I was. Not how I am when I wake up in the middle of the night and I'm ready to tackle anything at all.

The good summer smells are coming in with the breeze through the open window. If you could bottle that smell and spray it in your living room in the wintertime, you would be a happy person. It smells like clean laundry. Very fresh and invigorating. It makes you want to be outdoors with a picnic and a bottle of wine in a meadow by a creek. There would have to be trees, of course, for the shade. And a tall, handsome stranger. Hey, I'm single. I can wish for tall, handsome strangers.

Okay, I'm going to change my bed and do a load of laundry. As if I have to stand there and churn the washing machine.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

High definition...

I went for a long walk with Tyke this morning, but that is the total of my accomplishments so far. When we came back, I laid down on the sofa and took a long nap. Doubtlessly to finish the sleep that I didn't get when I got up too early this morning. When you get up at 4 am, you're not really done sleeping yet, I must remember that. It shouldn't come as a surprise when you need to go back to sleep after you've taken your dog for a long walk and you suddenly feel awfully wiped out. Emotionally as well as physically.

I'm in the process now of rejoining the living with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. I think it is going to take more then one cup of coffee, though. I need to clear my mind of the cobwebs of sleep. I did get dressed with care this morning. I am wearing my jeans, like I said I would, and I'm wearing a black long sleeved tunic over it. It has a deep V-neck, so under it I'm wearing an apple green tank top. I'm also wearing a green necklace and my black ankle boots. So well put together am I. If I just had the body to go with it, it would be perfect. As it is, I'm bulging. Well, never mind. I do have other things I can concern myself with and I know the weight will come off once I am off my medications.

I have an hour to kill until I have to leave for my appointment with my SPN. If I dawdle over this post that should take up an hour. I also have to make new cigarettes, so that will take some time too. Of course, I can't finish this post, because I will have to let you know what my SPN said about me wanting to quit my medications. And I still have to walk the dog. So I better do all those things first. I don't like waiting for something to happen. I'm too impatient for that. I bid you adieu, until we meet again...

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Well, I'm completely wiped out from walking to my SPN's office and back and it felt like my toes were going to drop off because of the boots I was wearing. The next time I'm not going to be vain and wear my hiking boots and not fashionable boots with pointy toes.

My appointment went fine and was not in the least bit negative. My SPN was not at all against the idea of my quitting my medication. She just wanted to know my motivation for doing so and I told her. But everything was fine and we're having an appointment about it with my psychiatrist on the 10th and I don't expect any problems.

I need to eat now and go lie down for a bit. I am exhausted. I guess I'm not quite over being sick yet. I don't have my stamina back anyway.

Ciao,
Nora

Sleep!

After I wrote my post early this morning, I have done nothing but sleep on the sofa under the red fleece blanket. It felt as though a cloud of sleepiness settled over me and I couldn't get out of it until just now. I'm having a cup of coffee to try and get the last bit of sleepiness out of my system, but I'm still yawning and the sofa still looks awfully appealing to me. I have one blind pulled halfway up and Toby is lying on the back of the sofa looking out the window. Gandhi is asleep on the sofa where I had been lying. Tyke is asleep by my feet and I want to go back and join Gandhi.

I always seem to alternate one active day with one inactive day. I was full of plans this morning, but I don't know yet if I will make a big walk with Tyke today. I have to see how I get out of this sleepiness first. The best thing to do, of course, is to put on my hiking boots and go for a walk. It doesn't have to be a big walk even. Just long enough to wake up and get my brain cleared up. I will tentatively plan on that then and do that as soon as I've written this post.

There's nothing nicer than lying on the sofa with the red blanket pulled over me and the sound of the TV in the background. I don't even know what's on and what programs I'm missing. It doesn't matter. It's just chatter in the background of my sleep. I dream a lot when I sleep on the sofa and I work out all sorts of things in my dreams. They are little analytical sessions that I have in symbolic language, but I understand the symbolism usually. I always dream about my children and my exes and the life I had in California. These elements repeat themselves in different stories over and over again.

It's cloudy and 4C outside, so it's not too cold. I see that no rain is expected now, though it rained and snowed during the night. Tomorrow it's actually going to be 9C, that's practically springtime weather. I did see green tips of bulb plants poke out of the ground yesterday. They must have been daffodils. I forgot to look if the snowdrops were still there. I'll have to do that today. If I get that far. I have a sore spot on my little toe. The same one that bothered me so much last year and I'll have to put a band aid on it to prevent it from getting hurt by my hiking boot. Maybe that's what happened last year and I just imagined I stubbed it. It may have been because of my hiking boots all along.

My eyes are getting better for close up such as working behind the computer, but they are getting worse for faraway. The one lens is not good enough for reading the subtitles on TV anymore, though if I look through both lenses it is okay. I suppose that's what matters in the end. It's just a curiosity I noticed when I was watching TV from a distance. I was watching text TV and couldn't read it very well and was wondering why. I suppose I'll blame it on old age.

My sister just called and we're going grocery shopping tomorrow afternoon, which is good, because I'm just about out of everything. We were supposed to go yesterday, but she had a 24 hour stomach bug. Unfortunately, the supermarkets are closed on Sundays, so we can't go now. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could? There's an ordinance against it.

Well, I suppose I'll take the four legged critter on a walk now. He's still sound asleep, but he'll notice the second I get up to put my boots on.

Have a good afternoon!

Ciao,
Nora

Another long walk...

This afternoon Tyke and I went for another long walk together and it was much more successful than yesterday's walk, because this time I wore my hiking boots. These made all the difference in the world and I walked with what seemed the greatest of ease. We did roughly the same walk we did yesterday (just a little bit longer) and cut a considerable amount off our time. I also didn't wear my warm sweater and I wore my short leather jacket instead of my winter coat, even though it was colder today. I didn't feel like such an worn out middle aged woman going there having no business attempting to walk a couple of kilometers at a fast pace.

When we left, Jesker had shown no interest in going out with us and when we got back, he was still lying on his blanket, sound asleep and barely acknowledging the fact that we were home again. He had to go out, but I didn't know how to get him outside. I opened the back door and tried to get him to stand up. Well, I got the front of him up, but not the backside. So, I picked up his back side with Tykes help, because he was trying to get Jesker to stand up too, and finally managed to get him into a standing position. Jesker protested by growling. Then I had to lead him outside, which Tyke also helped me with, and I managed that and Jesker did an enormous piddle and a poop, after which he hobbled back inside to lie down again, showing no interest in the snack I offered him as a reward. He's just not interested in eating. He just wants to sleep and be left alone today. He's not even coming over to lie down beside me.

I don't know when enough is enough. I just don't know when to make that call. Part of me wants to say it is now, but the other part of me says, no not yet. So, I really don't know. I'm having such a hard time with this.

I just called the Exfactor and he's no help to me whatsoever and right now I am crying and I can hardly see the keyboard. I didn't realize how much sadness I have been walking around with inside of me about this. This is just one of those things that is so hard to do. I know I have to make the decision now and that it is time, but I hate that.

Okay, I just called my sister and she was a big help. I know what I have to do now. Tomorrow morning I will call the vet and make an appointment with him and then my sister and I will go there together with Jesker and see it through. That's the best solution. Women need other women, don't they?

Tyke is so smart. He was trying to get Jesker to stand up by pulling him by his fur and then he was trying to get him to walk by pulling him by his ears. He's a real little helper. What a funny dog.

I'm drained, so I will keep this short. Tyke is trying to get into the dog cookies and Jesker finally made it over here and is lying beside me. It cost him quite a bit of effort.

Have a good evening!

Ciao...

In the long run...

Late yesterday afternoon, Tyke and I went for a longer walk, because many of you agreed that he needed more exercise than he was getting on his little short walks with Jesker and I couldn't agree more. We left at about 4 o'clock and as it gets dark at 6, I figured we had enough time to wander around the neighborhood and pick the best route to follow. He thought it was great and couldn't move quickly enough from one interesting spot to the next, That meant moving from hedge to hedge and from tree to tree and from one blade of grass to the next. He set the pace and it was fast. He was just not quite pulling my arm out of my socket.

Unfortunately, I had misjudged the weather and wore my warm sweater under my winter coat and after a while I was very hot. It was much warmer outside than I had anticipated. I was also wearing the wrong boots and had sore feet about halfway through the walk. So I lasted 50 minutes and had to call it quits. Tyke easily could have walked another hour or two. Also, my condition isn't what it used to be. I have gotten used to the relatively short and easy rambles with Jesker and they are nothing compared to a long walk with Tyke.

Today I'm going again, but I'm not going to wear my warm sweater and I'm going to wear my hiking boots in the hope that I will last a little bit longer. I'm going to try and make two longer walks, but it depends on how much sleep I need and how much time that leaves me. I'm up in the middle of the night now after sleeping a few hours. No doubt I will go back to sleep later, but I may be up on time for a morning walk with him that's a bit longer.

Jesker gets exhausted moving from room to room, so I'm not going to bother taking him for walks anymore, as they seem to wear him out too much anyway. I will let him do his business out back and just take Tyke for walks and make them longer ones, because there is no sense in making these tiny little walks with the three of us. They don't do any of us any good, least of all Jesker.

I'm worried about Jesker and I don't think he is going to hang on much longer. I guess what I'm really saying is, that soon I will be faced with the difficult decision that I have to make and that is so hard. But I hear his breathing as he is lying here beside me and it is short and shallow, as if it requires effort. I want him to hang in there a while longer, but really I want to postpone the decision until there is no other choice. Until it is the only obvious thing to do, but I don't want him to needlessly suffer either. It is tough. I've had to had cats put to sleep and I felt bad enough about that. This, however, is my companion and my friend. He's more than just a dog.

I've turned the thermostat down one degree so the heater won't keep going on and it does make a difference, but I imagine that I'm much colder now, while one degree should not matter all that much. A cup of hot coffee sure tastes good then. I think I'm going to get my end of year bill in June, because that's when I became a customer of this energy company and I will find out how much extra I will have to pay on top of the monthly payments that I have been making. They've calculated me for a one person household, but the winter has been cold, so I may have used more gas than was predicted. I've also used the computer a lot, so I may have used more electricity, in spite of my energy saving light bulbs and the fact that I hardly watch TV. So it's all going to be a big surprise.

I just got two blue envelopes in the mail from the tax office and I thought that maybe they wanted more money from me because of the end of the year calculations, but luckily zero Euros were due. It's such a relief when the tax people let you know that you don't owe them anything else. It would be like plucking a naked chicken. There's no more to go around and they ought to know best. You never know when you get a blue envelope in the mail. It can be good news or bad news. This time it was semi-good news. It would have been better if they had owed me money. That would have been my lucky day.

It's only going to be 3C today and cloudy. We've had such nice weather these past couple of days, that you could almost imagine spring had arrived. Alas, it was of short duration. Next week we're going to have wintertime again with freezing temperatures and more snow, believe it or not. Such rotten luck! I do hate that and I sincerely hope that's the last of it, but that's what I hoped the other week too. Drats! In the north of the country they haven't been without snow for at least 7 weeks, so that's much worse. Thank goodness we're spared that.

Both the dogs are amicably sleeping at my feet as if they've never done anything else. There's room for both of them. Sometimes Tyke snores. It's very funny to hear such a little dog snore. Every time I get up to go to the kitchen, he follows me in the hope that something exciting will happen and I have to disappoint him every time. It's not nearly time for him to eat, but he does gobble down his food when he gets it. He acts like a starving person who hasn't had anything to eat for days or weeks. It's gone in no time. Jesker is not the least bit interested in eating.

Well, I'll go and read blogs. I'm behind in that and now is a good time to catch up.

I hope you all have a wonderful day when you get up.

Ciao...

Snow!

It's been snowing since early this morning and it hasn't stopped once. We have about a foot of snow now and it is a lot of fun trudging around in it and watching your dog sink into it up to his shoulders. The dog doesn't seem to be the least bit bothered and actually seems to like it. If he could skip and hop, he would do it, but it's a little bit hard in all that snow.

At noontime, when I sat here after my morning sleep, there was a loud knock on the window. It was my sister who was out with my nephew and her dog. They were having fun in the snow and said that they were going to build a snowman. I told them that I'd be right out and got dressed and took the dog to the field where my sister lives, but they were back inside having hot Cup a Soups. They said the snow was too dry to make a good snowman with. We had cappuccinos and watched the snow fall and the wind that came from the northeast blew all the snow sideways.

I don't have snow boots, but the leather boots my sister gave me are doing a good job at keeping my feet warm. Of course, I'm not out there for really long periods of time. I'm sure if I were to track through the snow for a long time, my boots would get soaked and my feet would get wet. I do also have my hiking boots that I can wear, if nothing else, but they are not very high and I would sink into the snow deeper than that.

My sister has started to have eczema just like me and she gave me a tube of natural ointment that she used before her doctor put her on a cortisone creme. I am loathe to use the cortisone creme that I have, because if you use it too often, it will damage your skin, so I'm more than happy to try the natural product. I had been planning on buying it, because my eczema is bad right now, but now I have an almost full tube and I've already applied the first layer. I'm counting on it working and will use it every day. At least I won't have to worry about it damaging my skin and I do believe in natural medicines. I think there are many medicinal plants that can help you very much and the ointments and pills made of them are widely available, so I'm going to give this creme a fair chance.

Sleeping in the morning makes the day go by quickly, especially if you subsequently go and have cappuccinos at your sister's. I've really wasted most of the day. It's kind of a shame, but I don't quite know what I would have done with it otherwise. Oh sure, I could have done some household chores. There are always those things to do. That's a never ending story. As a matter of fact, I will do some of those things later on, when I'm done sitting behind the computer. When I have a sore rear end and I do get one of those on occasion. The solution is to get up, right? No, the solution is to find a softer place to sit.

I don't want to have another wasted day like this though. I do want to fill my time more usefully. I don't like these empty hours in which I don't achieve anything. That's okay now and then, but not all the time. I have to make it a point to get some things done that will give me some satisfaction. There's nothing worse than looking back at the day and seeing no result of anything. That's not how I'm put together. I do want to feel that satisfaction of a job well done, although I realize that I can't always perform up to my standards. But I think if I feel good enough, I should do better than just having wasted most of my day. It doesn't make me feel good at all. That's a warning to me to make tomorrow a better day, even though it will be Sunday. It doesn't matter. We're snowed in and I may as well do something useful inside the apartment.

Well, now I'll go and do something useful like make cigarettes. That needs to happen too.

Goodbye from the snowy Netherlands.

Ciao,
Nora

Just not happening...

I had planned on going grocery shopping this afternoon, but the weather worsened in the course of the day and when I got home from creative therapy it was miserably cold and windy and wet. I didn't want to be out on my bike anymore and parked it in the hallway. I did go out to walk the dog and cursed the wind that was blowing and all I could think about was being warm and cozy inside.

During the coffee break at creative therapy some of us in the smoker's room had discussed smoking and cancer and just then I coughed up a big green phlegm (sorry, this is unappetizing) and I happened to mention that I had a nodule on the lymph gland in my throat for more than two months now and that it was getting bigger. So, then I got the advice that I better go see my doctor and they were real serious about it, so I grabbed my mobile phone and made an appointment right away for Monday afternoon at 4 pm. Of course, then the feeling of dread didn't leave my head and I imagined all sorts of things being wrong with me and that feeling has stayed with me all day. I haven't done a Google search yet, because I don't know what to search for exactly, but I imagine the worst.

Anyway, I'm slightly preoccupied with this now and I keep touching that nodule and it is a little sore. I guess I keep touching it in the hope that it will be gone. Oh, I just realized there's a little one growing on the other side too in exactly the same spot. I hadn't noticed that before. There must be many reasons why your lymph glands get nodules on them. Right? As a result, I was a little bit distracted and didn't do the jobs that I had planned to do, but sat at the dining table drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes and doing a lot of thinking. This is possibly a result of Maggie May's dilemma who is seriously ill and whose situation has come to worry me quite a bit and has made me think about life and death issues. Thinking about those things will take care of any depression you may have. It will scare it right out of you.

So anyway, I didn't get any of my jobs done, although the night isn't over yet and there are some hours left before I'll go to bed. I may have time to do the dishes, if I'm so inclined, but I always feel funny about doing housework in the evening, as if I'm not supposed to be doing that. My mother never did anything after we did the dishes after dinner, except make coffee, so I guess I take after her. Besides, the kitchen isn't very bright at night and I would miss the dirty spots on the glasses. I need a better light over the sink. I'm now trying to figure out how to do that. I think there is a way.

I made a terrible drawing at creative therapy today and I didn't even care. I thought, "Oh what the heck, it's one of my last ones, it doesn't matter." I'm coloring it in with ink and that may actually improve it. I have two days left to produce something decent. Maybe I'll have a stroke of genius on Monday all of the sudden and make something wonderful. And maybe Rome was built in one day. I just realized that I would have liked to have made one more collage and I think that if I work fast, I may be able to do it, if I can find the right images. I'll have to look through some magazines I have here and see what I can come up with. I steal magazines wherever I am (not in stores, in waiting rooms), and I have some very good ones here. I almost feel like an evil witch coming up with my little ideas, hee hee!

Oh, by the way, I'm still wearing my new boots and have been all day and they are very comfortable and keep my feet warm and dry. You know how you have some footwear that you have to take off the minute you get home? Well, these I don't. I can wear them non stop. I'm going to toss out two pairs of boots this weekend that are both worn out past repair and I'm never going to buy cheap boots again, because it's just not worth it. I can only wear them one year and then they're worn out completely. It's because of my crooked back and my uneven legs. It makes me wear my shoes and boots out fast if they're not very strongly made. I need very sturdy footwear. Believe me guys. Spend money on good shoes!

I darn near killed three very good house plants. First I forgot to water them and they went limp and then, in my zeal to save them, I over watered them and they started to drop their leaves, leaving them kind of ragged looking. I know they will recuperate, but it will take a while and in the meantime I'm afraid to touch them for fear that they'll drop more leaves. I tell you, you can tell a lot about my mental state of health by looking at my plants. If they look poorly, I'm not doing well. If they've died, I'm in trouble. The thing now is to nurture them back to health again. If I can do that, all is well. Or I may have to go out and buy new plants. That's another option.

Now I've missed the 6 pm news and the 8 pm news, which means that I'll have to watch the 10 pm news. Never fear, there's always a news program sooner or later.

Well, that's all I have to tell you tonight. I'm going to get my pajamas on and vegetate. That's always a nice way to spend the evening. It does mean that I have to take those nice boots off. Oh well...

Ciao,
Nora

Believe it or not....

I just managed to wash and style my hair and it only took me 25 minutes to do it. That's a long time, isn't it? I have to do everything just so and let the conditioner sit in my hair for a couple of minutes because of the color strengthening qualities it has. Then, because I don't have a hair dryer, I have to rub it with a towel until it's as good as dry and then comes the tricky part. Styling it with wax and hairspray. Goodness, it's always a big question if that's going to turn out well in one go. I fluff things with my fingers the way the hairdresser does, but I must not always fluff right, because sometimes I don't get the required result and have to re-fluff many times. You also have to know when to stop fluffing and leave well enough alone and start spraying. Half a can ought to do it. That will keep things in place. After that, I can't touch it until it has all dried up and set, so I can't change into my clothes for a while. That's a good excuse to sit and have another cup of coffee and a cigarette.

I slept so well last night. There's nothing wrong with my sleeping pattern at the moment. I go to bed on time and sleep through the night, although I get up once to piddle. I sleep walk to do that, I'm barely aware of it. The animals don't even bother getting up. They know it's not worth it.

Just as I was about to give up on my almost last pair of comfortable boots, my sister gave me a pair of new ones. They are very nice and go all the way to my knees. They're dark brown and have a low heel, which is perfect for me, and a zipper all the way up. They have buckles in the back where they can be adjusted for your leg width, so you can make them as tight fitting as you want. The timing couldn't have been better, because the boots that I have been wearing were worn out just about and I was getting ready to toss them in the garbage. They are beyond repair. So you see, I do have a guardian angel. This time she came in the guise of me sister. The other day she came in the guise of my older sister who sent me money by mail out of the blue. That's been put in safekeeping. Now, my older sister is a widow and my younger sister is divorced, so they don't have to be so generous.

I'm going to creative therapy this morning and will have to get dressed for that shortly. I decided that I didn't want to miss that today. I also have to go grocery shopping and I'm mentally preparing myself for it. I'm not looking forward to it, but I know that I will feel very good about myself once it's done. The Exfactor can't be of any help to me at all, because he has broken his collarbone when he was stunting with a trial motorcycle. I was going to say, when he wasn't acting his age, because what is a 58 year old man doing on a trial motorcycle? He also bruised his ribs and is feeling quite sore and can't do much. I'm sure he was showing off for his girlfriend, though he will never admit it.

I've gotten dressed and walked the dog and it isn't horribly cold outside. I like the cold, crisp air on my face, although it is supposed to rain today. There's no wind to speak of and that is always a lot more pleasant. It's 8C, so that's not too cold. I'm dressed for it now in my super new boots. It's supposed to get colder over the next couple of days and we may even get a flurry of snow, but none that will stay on the ground. I don't mind if it's cold, as long as the wind doesn't blow and the sun is out. It's very bearable then.

I seem to be in an area of silence in my low pressure system. Nothing much is happening. I woke up in a fairly good mood and have managed to hold on to it so far. I'm very much living in the moment, taking it one step at the time, only planning things a few hours ahead of time. If I can figure out what to do today, then that is fine with me. I will have accomplished that. I can plan to do things, but I must allow for the occasional nap if I need it, although I only took one yesterday and that was enough and I had more than enough energy to make it through the day and sleep well at night too. I have planned four things for today and if I get them all done, I will be mighty proud of myself. If I accomplish two of them, then that is okay too. That's what I'll do every day. Set some goals for myself and try to accomplish them, make some minimal and some maximal goals. Three will be the average. I think that's a lot for right now. Especially for someone who hasn't been accomplishing much of anything lately.

Alright, I have to go and make some cigarettes before I leave. I can't be without my smokes.

I hope you all have a lovely day with lots of sunshine.

Ciao,
Nora

Oh, let's go again, one more time...

My dear ex-husband was here this afternoon to do the groceries for me. It was his own idea, I did not even so much as whisper the question into his ear. He was really two days too early, but I did not turn him down. I'd rather have too many groceries in the house than not enough. A shopping list was quickly made and off he went in my leather jacket, because he could not wear his motorcycle gear. He has a pair of shoes here for when he has to do these jobs for me. Luckily, he is slender enough to wear my jackets and they fit him perfectly. He looked quite dashing in my leather jacket, but I won't give it up. I may give it up if he gives me his motorcycle jacker, or one like it. I do need a tough broad jacket like that. It will give me the right attitude. Right, sure it will! That, along with my shit kicking boots.

If you're wondering where I get this "tough broad" idea from, it is from admiring women who I think are very independent and who stand very solidly on their own two feet and who don't need a man to help them live their lives. Women who can earn their own living and make their own way in life and make their own choices, regardless of public opinion. I guess they all don't have to wear tough broad leather jackets and shit kicking boots, but that is how I would reinforce my image of being one. I'm not such a tough broad by nature, so I have to fake it a little bit. I suppose I'm still looking for my imago. What do I want to show me as to the world?

When it comes down to it, I'm just a very regular middle of the road woman. I don't stand out one way or the other, much as I would like to. So we're back to yesterday's theme and what it all comes down to is not the outside, but character that counts, and personality, and you can make that visible enough after someone has been around you for a while, if they take the time that is. I've never stopped and thought about this as consciously as I think about it now, though I have on some level been aware of it and paid lip service to it, as any modern thinking human being does. We all say that the inside counts, but we're all busy making sure the outside looks darn good.

Now is the time to test that out. I'm going to dress myself as nicely as I always do, and wear my hair the same way, but always wear my glasses and go without make up and see how people react to me. I'll have no eyebrows, because they are blond and invisible, and no eyeshadow and no eyeliner. Just a touch of mascara on my blond eyelashes, otherwise I'll feel so naked. Only on the top. Then I wonder what sort of impact I will make, or if it will make no difference at all. That's quite a thing to do for someone who is as vain as I am. Let's face it, I do like to think that everything I do makes me look better. Although just lately I'm having my doubts.

Of course, it will mean that I'll have to let my personality shine through a little bit better and not be such a silent onlooker. I'll have to be present. Make more noise, talk more, be more spontaneous. I'll have to practice that. Maybe I'll dare more if I'm more myself and not a painted up version who has to worry about the state of her make up and the condition of her hairdo. Maybe I'll learn to be a tough broad on the inside and I won't need the outside accouterments. Or...maybe I'll learn that I don't need to be a tough broad at all, but a gentle, sensitive one who has a heart and sensitivities and soft spots. Maybe that will be the real me and I'm artificially trying to be someone I'm not. I may just allow myself to find out. I may have to give up my membership in The Tough Broad Society.

How do you like all this mesmerizing? Isn't it fascinating? How to make yourself the most interesting subject of your own post.

One thing that was on the shopping list, was dog kibbles for little dogs, because Toby is hooked on the dried dog food from a particular brand and asks for it if the bowl is empty. However, I had the large kibbles for big dogs and this time I had the Exfactor get the kibbles for little dogs. I think they will be easier to eat and the dog may like them better also. We'll see. It is funny to see Toby chow down on that food. I've never seen him eat with so much appetite. You'd think it was candy I put in front of him. He has gained a little weight, which is good, because he was too skinny for some reason and now he looks normal. He's a big cat and can stand the weight. I'm hoping Jesker is going to lose weight, but I can't tell, because I can't get on the scale with him and see how much he weighs at the same time. It's a two people job. I'll have to weigh him the next time we're at the vet.

I'm expecting the pharmacy to make a delivery of some pills that are the lighter dose of the Temazepam. My psychiatrist is allowing me one a day until he sees me on Monday so we can discuss the need for them. He is being a cautious man. I still had some and took one this afternoon and ended up taking a nice nap and feeling better the rest of the day. I have no qualms about taking pills and I am not worried about becoming hooked on them, as I've always been able to decrease the doses when that was necessary. My medication is my best friend and it helps me think straight when I can't do it on my own.My life has never been easier than when I started taking the right medication in the right dose and the right combination and I've become an expert at tweaking it. I always know what I need and when something works. I would like to eliminate one of my anti depressives, but I need to discuss that with my psychiatrist and it will have to be done slowly. I think I can do without one of them, but that may be wishful thinking. I will just have to try.

It's still early in the evening. The apartment is nice and warm, but the heater hasn't gone on at all yet. Still, with the windows closed it is 21C in here, so the neighbors must have their heaters on. I don't like to have the windows closed, but it does make a difference in how warm it stays in here and there's no draft now. I'm still in my clothes and haven't changed into my pajamas, but I will do so shortly. There's nothing cozier than sitting around in my bathrobe and slippers and watching the news on television. The long political drama and the endless human one. That part is not quite so cozy. You do get immune to some degree, though. Hardened, almost, under the onslaught of misery.

I hope you all have a good night or that you are still having a good day. We had a partly rainy and partly sunny one here ourselves. Real Autumn weather.

Ciao,
Nora

On a lazy morning.

Well, after I wrote my very interesting last post about going in search of Blogger templates, I did just that and found several websites that had free templates that you could install, but it all turned out to be a popcorn fart and in the end, I almost lost my complete blog and had to do some tricky things to get it back and then go to the original templates that Blogger offers themselves and customize one of them and what you see is the result. At least it's a change and it's something different for a while until I change my mind again, and I don't want to hear any complaints about it. You'll just have to adapt to the change along with me and humor me in my fickleness. I am, after all, a woman who is allowed to change her mind repeatedly. I thrive on change when it comes to my blog. Not in real life, I like everything the same there, very predictable, but in my blog I allow myself to make changes.

The clocks did get turned back one hour, because my radio controlled alarm clock woke me at 7 am this morning, when the other clocks and my watch said it was 8 am. So, I guess all of Europe has turned the clocks back this weekend. At least western Europe has, most likely.

I was immediately wide awake when the alarm clock went off. I jumped out of bed and sped into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. It was as if I was a woman with a mission. The only one I have right now is to go walk the dog who just ate his breakfast, so I better go do that right away...

It is 10 degrees and cloudy and windy outside (50 degrees F.). Real Autumn weather. The leaves are changing rapidly and covering all the sidewalks and parking spaces. Soon enough the trees will be bare and we will all be longing for spring instead of winter. That will be that awful cold season that we have to get through and I sure hope that Mother Nature will be kind to us and make it a mild winter and not one in which I am going to freeze my buns off with snow and ice. I'll never forget trying to ride my bike in the snow and slipping all over the place as I got caught in tracks made by car tires that had made icy spots. It was no fun whatsoever. Especially if you're not so young and agile any longer.

Thank goodness for warm leggings that you can wear underneath your skirt and look decent in. They are keeping me warm. And so are the scarves that I'm continually wearing. They've taken the place of the necklaces I normally wear and are keeping me nice and warm.

I am fortunate enough to have one pair of boots that I've had for ages and I'm wearing those now. They were expensive and I bought them when I still lived in California. They are in good shape and I guess it means that it pays off to invest some money in a good pair of boots and not buy the cheaper kind. I have to go look around in some shoe stores to get an idea of the price of boots and I'm purposely not going to look in the cheap stores. I have to buy real leather boots with good soles and solid heels. Not high ones either. I will just start walking funky if I get those. I'm not going to bother to take the other boots to the shoemaker. I think they are not worth it and within the shortest amount of time I will have the same problem again. They are not real leather and weren't very expensive, so it will probably cost more than I paid for them to repair them. I suppose you could say that in the end they weren't a very good buy. That teaches me a lesson about going for the cheap article. It doesn't always work out well.

Is there anything more delicious that a freshly made cup of coffee? I just made one after putting it off for 45 minutes, because I was to busy doing other things, but it sure tastes great. I do love the flavor of coffee. I don't remember when I started drinking it, but in my memory it seems like it has been forever. Those cookies that were so hard to eat that the café on the square served, are biscotti and you are supposed to dunk those in your coffee to make them edible. If you try to eat them without doing that, you'll break a tooth. I dunked my biscotti in my cappuccino on Friday and it worked well. Within seconds I had a soft cookie to eat. If I had waited any longer, it would have fallen apart in my cup. I heard about this from someone else when I complained about the hard cookie I was served.

I just googled Italian cookies and came upon all sorts and they sure made me hungry for some. They have some cookies that look like the kind we have over here too and I'm sure they are very similar in taste. The Netherlands is the land of cookies as well and you can buy many kinds in the store. My favorites are the kinds that are made with real butter and almonds and dark chocolate, not necessarily in that combination. Another thing we are big in is candy and a town of any size has at least one candy store where there are bins of candy with scoops so that you can fill your bag yourself and have it weighed at the counter. And then there are always the bonbon shops where you can pick out handmade bonbons per piece and have them put in an attractive box. Secretly, that is my favorite shop. If you're ever a guest at my house, don't bring me flowers, bring me bonbons. I'll eat them all myself, no sharing!

I'm dubious about cleaning house today. It really is a day off, since it's Sunday, and I should take advantage of that and read blogs and my books. I'm almost done with The God Squad and I will get the chance to finish the other book I already started. The one about the reading group. I must finish it before I go on to the next one, so I do have a mission to accomplish. No doubt I'll take a nap, because I didn't sleep long enough last night. I think I will make this a day of rest and relaxation. The first thing I'm going to do now is eat, because I'm hungry after talking about all those delicious treats.

Have a great day. The sun's come out momentarily. What a thrill!

Ciao,
Nora

Friday morning.

I am sitting here with my second cup of coffee, leisurely waking up in the early morning hours without a care in the world. Isn't that nice? Of course, I'm not speaking the truth, because of course I have cares, but just for now I'm pretending not to have any. It's too early in the day for them and in reality, I can't do anything about them right now anyway. You should know when to worry and when not and now is not the time.

Right, you state that and start worrying and can do nothing but. Since this blog is about me and not about my close family members, I can't discuss what is going on in their lives that worries me and how I'm really not able to do anything but be a listening ear and maybe a careful advice giver. Needless to say, that is very frustrating and leaves me feeling anxious and uneasy and unable to put my thoughts to rest. That is my present state of mind.

I'm glad it is Friday, but I think that is more out of habit than anything else. In your life you get used to looking forward to the weekend and it is something you automatically keep doing, even if the week days are actually more fun. But it is nice to be able to be lazy in the morning and make a slow start and waste the time away without feeling that you ought to be doing something very useful, because you know that most everybody else is not either. Of course, this could be a misconception on my part, because it is possible that other people cram their weekends full of useful activities. I alway feel that I have official permission not to perform and I take full advantage of that.

First I have to get through today. That means creative therapy in the morning and going downtown in the afternoon. I'll be finishing my painting this morning and taking photos of all of them, so I'll be posting them soon. It will feel like I'm exposing myself, but I'll have to get over that.

I do want to make it downtown this afternoon and not have a panic attack at the last minute, like I did two weeks ago. I'm mentally preparing myself for it now and picturing myself going there on my bike and riding the whole route in my head and thinking of all the tricky parts of it. I do want to be ready for it. I'll be wearing the toughest boots that I have and that should do the trick. I'll wear my tough leather jacket too. I'm glad that I cut my hair and that I don't have to worry about that, because it does wonders for my self image to know that my hair will stay in place and not look ridiculous when I get off my bike. It's in the details, people!

The Exfactor was here yesterday to check on Jesker and Jesker is so deaf now that he doesn't hear the motorcycle or the outside doorbell and they're both loud. Sometimes when he asleep, he thinks he hears something and wakes up and starts to bark. When he's awake, there are all sorts of things he doesn't hear anymore, like the doorbell, or the alarm clock, or the telephone. Those are things he used to react to. A lot of times, he doesn't hear me talking to him anymore and I depend on body language to get my message across, or lipreading, that also seems to work. But he's really doing well health wise. He's just about back to his old self. He does sleep at the drop of a hat, but that could be his age.

I am looking forward to creative therapy today, although I don't exactly know what I'm going to do after I finish my painting. I won't start another painting. I want to do something different, but I don't know what yet. Maybe I'll do something with colored inks. I could also make another collage, but I really have to have the right images to be inspired for that. I'll have to look through the magazines that are left. I think it is going to be colored inks. Or maybe a drawing. It is so hard to decide. Sometimes I think I have an acute shortage of imagination and I'm forever stuck on making the same things over and over again, until someone comes along and flips a switch for me. I'll have to ask for input today.

Okay, I'm off. I have to take a shower and get the show on the road. The dog needs airing!

Have a really nice day, I'll try and do the same.

Ciao,
Nora

The second cup...

I've just made myself a second cup of coffee and I think that it will properly waken me. I've had a long night's sleep, nearly eleven hours, and it's taking me a little bit to wake up to the point that I'm completely firing away on all cylinders. Not that I'm not making sense yet, but I still feel a little sluggish and my head feels like it's insulated from my body by cotton wrappings. Which is not such a bad state to be in, I suppose, as long as there are peepholes for my eyes.

I feel hungover after yesterday's incident and I wonder if that is the natural conclusion to an anxiety attack? Or am I feeling hungover from all the sleep I've had? I feel I should have a cold beer as a cure for it, but I won't go that route in case I decide I want more than one. Then I'll really be far from home. So, instead I'm drinking this deliciously strong, extra dark roast coffee and making the best of it. And sitting in my pajamas on top of that, because it is Saturday morning, after all, and I get to be lazy. The dog knows this and is very patient and does his piddles out back, until he really has to go for a walk to do his bigger business.

Did I tell you that I finished reading Secret Scripture? Oh, it was such a wonderful novel and I've just been informed that it was based on a true story. It was so well written and with such compassion and careful thought and eye to detail. I can highly recommend it if you haven't read it yet.

I've now started reading Saving Fish From Drowning by Amy Tan, which is a completely different novel and is taking me a while to get into, but I usually like the books she writes, so I assume I will like this one also.

I've taken to sitting in my armchair in the afternoon with my book and my reading glasses, and my coffee and cigarettes, and reading for a few hours. I only sit in the armchair when I read, so that makes it a special place for that purpose and I don't fall asleep over my book there. It's a real ritual to get ready to sit there and have all my paraphernalia there, so it really is a very special place. By rights I should drink tea there, but I prefer coffee. The dog keeps me company. Of course, I did none of this yesterday when I was preoccupied with something completely different, but I intend to sit there this afternoon.

I am trying not to think beyond today. I am very much trying to live in the moment. I think that's the best defense against anxiety. I think I mustn't anticipate too much, but just let things happen as they come and not worry ahead of time too much. I will avoid doing anything complicated for a while and I will judge each situation for its complexity and make a decision based on it. I think I take after one of my grandmothers who lived in the same house her whole life and who didn't go farther from home than the shops around the corner. Compared to her, I'm quite adventurous. She lived to be ninety four, but she was a very anxious person, I am very laid back in comparison. Jeez, really?

I've just had to get dressed and walk the dog, because he could not wait any longer and much to my surprise it is very nice weather outside, when yesterday it was so cool and autumn like. Mother nature continues to surprise us. The sun is shining and there is no wind and the sky is blue. Wait! Didn't I like overcast skies and a drizzle? I thought so, but actually, today I don't mind this weather too much. As long as it doesn't get too warm and I do assume this is the last of it, so we must enjoy it while we can. I just don't want the weather to remind me of California. As long as it doesn't do that, and I don't make those associations, I'm okay.

My poor boots are falling apart. I need to glue the sole of the other one now and keep it going for a while longer, but they are on their last legs. It's a shame, because I've enjoyed wearing them a lot, but I am hard on my footwear and as a rule it only lasts one season, unless it is incredibly well made and where do you find shoes or boots like that anymore, unless they cost a fortune? I will have to start wearing my other boots that belong to this season more, which is fortunate. I call those my shit kicking boots, but they are lady like, they're just tougher. Actually, they are tough broad boots.

I haven't been a tough broad consciously for a while. It was always my ambition to be one and very often I was very much aware of trying to be one. I haven't felt it that much in a while. Maybe I should concentrate on that desire again. It is why I bought those tough leather jackets that I like to wear so much. I figured tough broads wear tough leather jackets. They also wear tough boots. I want to have some cowboy boots. I've wanted a pair for a while now and just haven't found the right ones for the right price yet. I must look around for some. I think cowboy boots are as tough as you can get, unless they're motorcycle boots, but I'm not going to wear those. I think I can wear cowboy boots on my bike, don't you think so?

I have to mosey along now and check out some blogs. My medication, that I took two and a half hours ago, is working now and I feel much better. Thank goodness for small favors. It has to build up in my system and then I'll be alright. Soon enough I get to take my next dose and I'm looking forward to that.

Have a nice day, all of you, whichever kind of weather you have, be it drizzly or sunny.

Ciao,
Nora