It's too early to go to bed.

I was planning on going to bed, but it's really too early to go and it would be slightly ridiculous if I went now. So, instead of that I will write another post and tell you about the amazing paint job I did over the mildewy patches of the living room walls. There, I just told you. No really, I had a nice little can of white paint and a brand new brush and I didn't dribble any paint and very neatly covered up the mildewed patches (of which I don't know the origins) and, as the paint has been drying, the mildewed patches have not reappeared, except for one particularly stubborn spot. I'll slap more paint on there later.

I also keep trying to improve the living room and I found in the junk room a rod iron candle holder for three candles that you hang on the wall. That was just what I needed for one bare spot, but I knew that wall needed screws and I had no drill. But I also remembered that before the last paint job, there had been a hole somewhere in that spot that we had puttied, so I had to try and find it. After a while I did. It was just a little bump and I hammered a nail into it and hung up the candle holder. Then I looked in the junk drawer (every good household has one) and found three matching blue candles and stuck them in and voilà, it was a done deed and it looked nice. I even lit the candles for a while, but then blew them out and decided to save them for a really romantic evening. I am going to have one of those, you know!

Then I got really bold and took a lamp out of the bedroom and added it to a spot beside a chair in the living room, but it was a wrong move and it didn't even grow on me, and I have to take it back to the bedroom when I go there next. Sometimes you want things too much and then you overdo it. It is that way in real life too. Curses!

It's been freezing here and in some places there's an inch of ice on the water. That's not thick enough to skate on, but some daredevils do it anyway. It's going to keep freezing, so by this weekend we should all be able to skate outdoors. Not I, of course, I have no skates. I haven't skated in 30 years and doubt I could do it anymore. That's not at all spoken like a true Dutch woman, because no Dutch woman would say that. Everybody here knows how to skate, it's the law. It's as normal as bike riding. Even the queen knows how to skate. Heck, she even knows how to ski and you don't see the queen of England doing that. Yes, our queen rides horses too. I really shouldn't make a big deal out of that, should I? I mean, why should the queen not know how to skate or ski? She's a normal person of flesh and blood, isn't she? In the end, she's no different than you or me. She's about as royal as my left foot.

The dog's on a diet and is only getting half the food that he was getting. I am buying him some very good dog food, but giving him a little in two portions. He thinks it's fine and loves it and when his bowl is empty he thinks he's had enough. Except for tonight when he went over and in one big vacuuming motion ate all the cat kibbles out of their bowl. I hope he doesn't keep doing that, or I'll have to feed them on the kitchen counter. I do have a small bowl of dried dog food for him, but he is completely ignoring it. He must think eating dried dog food is beneath his dignity. He has to lose 12 lbs at least, but I have to buy him food that he likes to eat, otherwise he'll start begging for his Bonzo bones and those are only for special. He's such a goof ball.

I was sitting here with the blinds wide open letting the whole world see that I'm a woman living all by myself. I guess I always feel safe in this neighborhood, or it is because I have a dog. Little do they know that he is deaf and doesn't even hear the doorbell. It's very convenient that he's deaf when all the fireworks go of at New year's. It's like WWIII broke out, but he doesn't hear it and is not in the least scared. The cats are and go into hiding, the poor things.

Well, my dog thinks it's time to go to bed. He keeps going to the bedroom and coming back here and sighing deeply. I think it has great meaning. I must heed his call.

I hope you will all have a good night and sleep tight.

Ciao,
Nora

Time to go to bed....

After having changed the living room around, and having posted the photographs of it here, I find myself full of piss and vinegar and nor nearly ready to go to sleep. Firstly, because it is so nice to sit in a rearranged living room. Secondly, because I put a long blue scarf as a runner on the dining table and every time I look at it, I'm startled by the effect. Thirdly, because I put the vase with lighted branches on the dresser and hung christmas balls and other decorations in it, so now it's festive here. I also realized that the computer desk needs to be moved to where the black and white chair is now, and the chair needs to be moved to where the desk is now. Some cable needs to be laid for that and I need the expertise of the Exfactor for that. So I will have to wait for his broken collar bone to heal.

The cats liked me moving the furniture around and immediately started climbing on top of everything. Cats always like that kind of stuff, they like to be right in the middle of things and then claim all the new territory as quickly as possible. The dog was also right there and barely moved out of the way for the vacuum cleaner, but he reluctantly did if he had to. He was trying to hang on to his sleeping spot, but I had to move his blanket and for a while it didn't have a place anywhere, leaving him stranded. I finally folded it over double and put it beside the bookcase where he is sound asleep now. I think I will put another blanket under it to make it even more comfortable for him to sleep on. I do have to consider his aging bones that want as soft as possible a place to lay on.

Now that I've moved the furniture, it's really obvious that the walls need to be painted, but that is going to be such a big job that I'm going to wait until I'm physically very fit. Or if I keep being as fit as I have been today, because today I can imagine painting the walls and it doesn't seem like an unsurmountable job. The hardest part is going to be to move the bookcase away from the wall. It is heavy even if I take all the books out of it and very tough to manhandle. I want the walls to be a sand color and I can already imagine what they are going to look like. I also want to get brighter color blinds for the living room windows. The ones I have now are burgundy colored and I want red. Yes, and money still doesn't grow on trees, especially not at this time of the year.

I got a nice gift from Babaloo. She gave me the book The Last Girls from Lee Smith, which is a book I really wanted. I seem to be blessed with people who send me kind gifts. You don't know how much that means to me. It makes me feel ever so special. Lee Smith is a new writer for me. She is a Southern writer from the States and writes about small town America there. I'm looking forward to reading that book very much. I will spend much time on my newly positioned sofa reading good novels. Thanks, Babaloo!

I trimmed one of my plants that lost a lot of its leaves. I have it sitting on the dining table and it was trailing all over the place looking scraggly, so I took the scissors and gave it a haircut in the hopes that it will fill out well and look bushier and fuller in a short amount of time, and I'm going to keep trimming the trailing ends to keep it compact. I'm hoping to turn it into a healthy plant again. I think I can do it, as the other plant has perked up and is looking better already. I've also watered my prayer plant, as I discovered it was dry and moved it to a spot closer to the window and it too has perked up quite a bit. It seems to appreciate daylight a lot more than the somewhat dark spot I had it sitting in. Plants do appreciate the little things you do for them. I've moved my rubber plant, but I don't know if it's going to like where it is now, away from the window. I can only try and hope for the best, if not, invest in a plant that will take low light conditions.

I was just sitting here looking around and I decided to move the big scratching post from the corner of the living room, because the cats never use it, and to hang one of my paintings in that corner. So I did and got a light that I clamped on to the bookcase and pointed to the painting and now I have a nice bright corner there. Then I took two more of my paintings and hung those up in the living room too instead of two smaller things that were hanging there. I had to very softly hammer two little nails into the wall for one of them, so as not to wake the neighbors, but I was successful. I must say that it all looks quite nice. It is very gratifying to have your own art hanging around, no matter how simplistic it is. Of course, what I really want is the collages framed and hung up, but I have to buy the frames for those. That will please me to no end. But this is nice too. Another brilliant idea, if I may say so myself.

If I sit here long enough, I'm sure to have more ideas. Now that my evil little mind is at work it is not going to leave me alone and keep scheming and planning, except that it is the wrong time of the night to be doing these kinds of things. Darn, isn't it a shame that there is such a thing as bedtime? Just when you're having all your good ideas. I just went to have a look in the kitchen closet where the modem for the computer is and I think there is enough extra cable for me to move the computer to the other side of the room. Aha! Isn't that interesting? I may not even need the Exfactor. I may be able to do this job by myself. This requires careful investigation.

It would be really funny if I managed to do all of this on my own. It would be the total liberation of myself as a woman. First I would have to make a little drawing of where all the plugs go in the back of the computer. That would be simple. But the first thing I have to do is trace the proper cable to it's source and trace the other cables that are coming out of the modem also. One would be for the television and one for the telephone and one for the computer. That ought to be easy to figure out. I love it when I think logically.

Okay people, I'm about to go do a big experiment. Keep your fingers crossed for me. Hopefully everything will go well.

Ciao,
Nora

What is it anyway?

After I had that bowl of porridge this afternoon, I couldn't resist the temptation and laid down on the sofa for just a little while with my book and, of course, I fell asleep for an hour and a half, but it was very pleasant and I don't feel at all like I've ruined it for tonight, because I still feel that I've got plenty of sleep left in me. As a matter of fact, I'm yawning as I write this and tears are running down my face and I'm yawning so hard, that I'm in danger of dislocating my jaw, which I will have to push back in place myself if it does. Everything is crackling and popping every time I yawn. It will have to be part of my self sufficiency, how to relocate my jaw after yawning. Just like changing light bulbs and reconnecting the computer.

The Exfactor always thought that I didn't know how to do those things. He assumed I was helpless. He didn't know I had 22 years experience at being not helpless, at being competent. He was a rescuing knight on a white horse whether you wanted to be rescued or not. He pulled your survival tools right out of your hands and made you unskilled and all thumbs. Some people are that way. They are Super Good Samaritans and don't let other people figure things out for themselves. There are Mother Theresas all over the world in all guises. They are so eager to do good deeds, that they are constantly looking for victims and if they can't find them, they create them.

It feels like it is very late at night already, but is isn't. I've got my pajamas and my bathrobe on. The pharmacy delivered my medication. I just told them to do it and didn't give them a reason why. I very easily could have picked it up myself, but I didn't feel like going out at the end of the afternoon when my prescriptions were being faxed. There's always a lot of traffic then and I do so hate crossing those two intersections at that time of the day.

I've never gotten quite competent at riding my bike again when I came back to the Netherlands. I do a good job, but I always worry about the traffic. I feel very vulnerable after all those years of always driving a car. I feel especially so when my bike is loaded with groceries and I'm glad I live so close to the grocery store, because I worry even over that short distance. I still yell at pedestrians downtown that step of the sidewalk in front of my bike. They are suicidal, but I will have the biggest injuries and when you live alone, you don't want a broken arm. It's hard to go to the toilet on your own with only one arm functioning. I yell, "Watch out, watch out!" I can't ring my bell fast enough. Or at people who walk on the cobblestoned streets, "Will you please go walk on the sidewalk?" Those cobblestoned streets make you rattle and shake as it is. It's hard to keep control over your bike. You just hobble all over the place.

It's all an effort by the city to make the streets downtown look as authentic as possible, but those cobbletones are murder on your bike, or your ankles when you walk on them. Sturdy shoe wear is advised. Ladies with high heels shouldn't go there, you see evidence of them stuck in the cracks. Not the ladies, but the high heels.

I'm having a terrifically tall glass of fruit juice to quench my thirst. Drinking coffee makes you thirsty and this fruit juice is the greatest stuff. It is freshly squeezed and kept in the cooler at the store. I could drink glasses of it, but I do want to make it last and it is high in calories, but it has all kinds of vitamins in it. I drink two glasses of it a day and that gives me a bunch of the vitamins I need. I also drink a lot of milk and as a result my nails grow very quickly and so does my hair. The porridge I eat is high in vitamin B and iron.

Specsavers called this evening and said that the lenses for my glasses were there, so I'm going in tomorrow afternoon to have them put into the frame. It shouldn't take long to do it and I'm seeing my friend Von at the same time. I haven't seen Von in a while and it will be good to hang out with her. No doubt we will sit by our usual café, but hopefully under the awning where there is heating, although it hasn't been that cold outside the last few days and there has been no rain. The leaves are dropping very quickly off the trees, though. It's going very rapidly right now, but some of the trees look spectacular still. Not all of them are equally pretty and only the imported maples are really awesome. Some trees just turn brown and that is it. Some turn yellow and that is much better.

I found the glasses that I had lost. They were in a box in my bedroom that had photos and photo frames in it. I don't know how they got in there and I found them quite by accident, but now that I have them again, I must say that I don't really like them and that I like my old glasses better and that I'm glad that I'm getting the proper lenses put into those. I've tried them out, of course, and I can't wear them behind the computer and do better with them off. It seems the worse my vision gets for far away, the better it gets for close by. I don't know why I thought these new glasses were better for me, because they are not at all attractive. At least, I don't think so. I think I look like a very stern school mistress who should have her hair in a bun and a pencil behind her ear. I look much kinder in my old glasses.

I have creative therapy in the morning and I will be looking at that last painting I made and try to figure out what's missing in it, because something is. It is too stilted as it is now. There's not enough life in it. It needs more abundance, more joie de vivre. I'll either fix it or ruin it. It's a 50/50 chance that I take. That's what skill is all about. Next I need to do a painting that brings me back to the basics. Just the original elements that I started out with, but very well combined. I'm futzing too much now with other little details and I don't want to do that. It distracts me from my main design. That's what I need to get back to.

Why is it that I get oodles of energy the later the night gets? I really enjoy myself late at night, that's when I feel best. I'm complete in my satisfaction and contentment. I will take my medications now and maybe that will slow me down. I need to get sleepy now and not excited about being up.

Alright, I think I have made this post long enough. I don't want the length to be overwhelming. I hope you all have a good night's sleep and I will "see" you all in the morning, fit as a fiddle.

Ciao,
Nora

Publishing.

I've published a story I wrote about 18 years ago on Facebook and have gotten excited responses to it. This is very encouraging and caused me to rewrite two poems as pieces of prose on the Six Sentences website and you can read those here and here. This has gotten me interested in writing more of these kinds of pieces and I'm hard at work to come up with more.

I've been sleeping erratically and have not had a normal night yet. I'm always up some part of the night, if not the whole night. Last night was a little bit better and I actually slept for 5 hours. The night before that I was up all night and functioned all day. I can't believe that I did, although I had a bit of a dip in the afternoon and didn't feel like getting the groceries that I ought to have gotten, so I only picked up a few things and will have the Exfactor do the rest today. Sometimes grocery shopping on my bike is more than I can handle and I gladly leave it to someone else to do.

I am done with my fourth painting and I am mildly pleased with it. I think maybe I need to add something to it and I will look at it again on Friday and see what that is. It has an unfinished feel to it and maybe that is why I only feel mildly pleased and didn't take a photo of it. Things don't always turn out the way you had planned, sometimes they need a little tweaking.

I've just taken a nap on the sofa and feel a bit better now. I was sitting in this chair like a limp dishrag. In the meantime, the Exfactor has come and done the groceries and I see that the store charged me more money for the dog food than I thought it was, but that must be because I buy the senior chunks and the price on the shelf must be for the regular chunks. It's a difference of 2 euros. That's very dear to me. He gets regular chunks from now on. It's expensive enough as it is. Man, why is good dog food so expensive? I don't want to feed him the junk dog food, yet you are almost forced to because of your budget. Anyway. I've got a lot of food in the house now, so I shouldn't have to go to the store soon. I hope not anyway. I can't afford it.

Now that I'm writing literary prose, I'm missing my inspiration to write a really good post. I sit here and try to think of something sensible to write and it just isn't happening. My head is busy doing totally different things. It is composing and becoming confused in the process, because I'm doing it in two languages, while I just need to do it in one. I must be a little bit addled because of lack of sleep.

Forgive me for writing such a short post, but I just can't think of a thing to add that's interesting. I hope I get out of the doldrums fast.

Have a good day, enjoy the weather if it's good. If not, be cozy inside.

Ciao,
Nora

Out of the blue...

I was at my Wednesday morning creative therapy class and had a hunkering to paint a canvas there as well, but I didn't know if it was possible, because it is in a different room with a different therapist than the Monday and Friday one, and I had never seen anyone there work on a canvas, but I asked the question anyway and the therapist said she would look if she could track one down for me. A while later, she came back with the same size canvas that I work on in the other creative space, so I was mighty happy and proceeded to draw the picture I had drawn at home of the cow beneath the starstruck sky in the meadow with the pond and the fish in it. So, just out of the blue I was doing that painting and I've already started to paint the sky and the weeds in the pond. I had a mighty fine time and I was very impatient for the coffee break to be over, and the morning went by to quickly as usual.

Then, as I was riding my bike home, I decided to go and get my hair cut decently and rode my bike to the hairdresser where you don't need to make an appointment and had my hair washed and cut and blow dried for the low price of 15 Euros. It was a complete spur of the moment thing and I needed to get it done, because my own cut was not that terrific. I had the woman cut it real short on the sides and in the back and nothing from the top where it is already short enough. She put some gel in my hair for a spunky look and I felt like a million bucks when I walked out of there.

To top it all of, I opened a charge account on line with a store I like and ordered a skimpy dress and a funky cardigan and they will be delivered tomorrow. I suddenly felt like indulging myself and thought it was about time that I did something nice for myself. So, there's a new painting, a new haircut, and new clothes, and to celebrate it all, I'm going to have a nice cup of coffee and some cookies that the Exfactor brought with him when he was here the other day. No, I don't know why he always brings me cookies, unless he just wants to make me happy, because I don't buy them for myself. Perhaps he likes to see me round and chunky.

The woman at the hairdresser kept saying to me, "You have to sit up straight, Ma'am." I kept leaning over to the left, which I think I haven't done in a while. It's a puzzlement why I did it today. Maybe I do it lots of times and just don't realize it.

Now, from all the excitement, I have to go lie down on the sofa and rest my eyes for a while. I am suddenly very tired.

Have a good rest of the day!

Ciao,
Nora

Tuesday afternoon...

I stayed up all night fooling around with Paintshop Pro, making Kaleidoscopes and Kaleidoscope Flips, one of which can be seen on my art blog here. I had a lot of fun doing that instead of sleeping, but it did mean that some time in the early morning, I had to go to bed. I took all my medicines and had breakfast and didn't wake up until one pm, when the doorbell rang. It was the Exfactor, who was very surprised to see me in my pajamas.

He said, "I suppose that means you haven't been to the store yet, have you?" I said that I hadn't, but he offered to go for me instead, which offer I didn't turn down, of course. First he walked Jesker and when he came back, he helped me and my sleepy head make a shopping list, which I would have been quite capable of making myself, but he was trying to be helpful. I put a lot of stuff on that shopping list, because I figured I would take advantage of his strong arms and legs, that can handle a bigger load on the bike than I can.

Off he went and by the time I had made a new pack of cigarettes and drank a cup of coffee, he was back again and we could unload the groceries, accompanied by a lot of noise from Jesker, who always thinks he needs to have something to say about the proceedings.

Luckily, there was fresh fruit juice to quench my thirst with and I had a tall glass of that. That tastes so good when you are thirsty and I'm having another one right now.

Last night I worked on that painting I had the brilliant idea for and it turned out well enough so that I know it will work on canvas. I was lazy and did not mix the proper colors, so it didn't turn out as nicely as it could have, but for a prototype it is okay and I'm pleased enough with it. I worked until I got tired and hungry and had something to eat and watched TV on the sofa, where I promptly feel asleep and slept until about midnight.

Then I made the mistake of turning on the computer and answering my emails and one thing led to another and before I knew it I was being creative and I couldn't stop. Yeah, well, that was my excuse. Of course, I could have just gone to bed, but I was having too much of a good time. I can't do that again tonight, because I have creative therapy tomorrow morning and I must not miss that.

Now the day has sped by and the afternoon is almost over. I still have sleep in me and I think I will read for a while on the sofa and let myself nod of again. First I must eat something. I'm still in my pajamas and bathrobe and it's very comfortable. I may never get dressed again.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Monday at the short end.

I just woke up from a mega nap on the sofa and now I'm sitting here with my cup of strong coffee and my cigarette, trying to wake up properly, yawning a bit still. When I came home from creative therapy, I walked the dog, ate some lunch and laid down on the sofa. I had thought about being creative at home too and painting a picture, but I felt like sleeping. I slept well last night, but look at all the sleep I still had in me. Two and a half hours worth!

Creative therapy was lovely as usual. I worked on my fourth painting and basically just added second layers of paint to what I had painted so far, which amounts to about one third of the painting. I did the easy, large areas first and I have just started on the more detailed work. Unfortunately, it was time to go home then. The morning goes by so quickly, too quickly, if you ask me, and I could easily continue into the afternoon.

I've got my schedule for the new activities that I'm going to be starting November the 4th. I will have wood shop on Monday afternoons and creative class on Wednesday afternoons. I'm on a waiting list for another creative class for Thursdays, either in the afternoons or the mornings.These are not therapeutic classes. They are merely meant as activities and are guided by experts in that field. They are not also therapists.

So for a while I'm going to be having double the amount of classes, which I don't mind one bit, although it may be tougher than I think. It will only be for about one month, so I should be able to do that. The creative class is in the same space where I have my creative class on Mondays and Fridays now, so I can just continue with my work there, which I'm really thrilled about, because it won't be that different for me. Different people in the group and a different instructor, but what I do there will be the same. It may be possible that I will have to buy my own canvasses in that class, but that is no problem. Transporting them on my bike may be a little tough, but I'll figure out something. Maybe my sister can give me a ride. She'll have to anyway, to get those other ones home.

I was very worried about starting up the other program and leaving behind everything that was familiar to me, the therapists and the people, but now I think I'm going to be okay. I know the man who instructs the wood shop and he is very funny and kind, so I'm not worried about that and I'm going to be okay in the creative class. So, really, I think everything is going to be alright and I need not worry so much. "There is nothing to fear, but fear itself," as Teddy Roosevelt said. Or did he say, "Walk softly and carry a big stick." I think they both apply. I have a big African walking stick that I could bring with me. It is a massive thing with a big knob on it and you could easily knock someone out with it. It is carved out of one piece of wood and heavy. Maybe I should carry it and walk softly on my supple leather boots.

Tonight I will paint. I have my mind set on it. I have an idea for a painting and if it turns out well, I'll also do it on canvas. I'm going to be making a series of moonlight paintings. I've already started one and I want to make a few more. I've got a beautiful dark blue color for the sky in which the stars sparkle. I have to remember to find more cards with abstract depictions of animals. I must make it a point to look for those. It will be a mission I'll be on. I know the first place I'm going to look and that will be in the numerous albums of cards that are in the room where I have my Wednesday creative class now.

Alright, a picture has taken shape in my head and I know what I have to put down on paper, so I'm going to do that now. I'm quite excited about it and I hope it works out the way I think it will.

Oh, by the way, I'm still changing the image on my art blog every day, but I hate to have to remind you all the time. If you become a follower, I won't have to. Just a gentle hint.

Have a good evening. Send me good vibes while I paint.

Ciao,
Nora

When you want to...

I ended up making three prototype drawings for paintings that I wanted to make and took them all to creative therapy this morning and had the therapist pick out the one she thought I should make first. She picked out the giraffe in the jungle by moonlight, which was kind of my favorite too, so that's the one I started to work on. I had a lot of fun painting the sky and the grass and getting a lot of paint on myself, which I subsequently had to rub off with a scrub sponge and warm soapy water. I do make a mess of myself. That's how much I enjoy the process.

Of course, we had to take a coffee break, which I undergo reluctantly, and I dutifully drink my espresso and smoke my two cigarettes and socialize until it is time to get back to work. The morning goes by too quickly and I would like it to last twice as long and get much more work done, because I don't feel the least bit bored yet when it is time to go. I could easily put in another two hours. But maybe that would be too much effort and that might not be good for us in the long run. I suppose we have to quit while it is still fun and not when we're exhausted. Isn't that the way it goes with all things that you enjoy? At least I have something to look forward to on Friday.

I got home to a very happy Jesker, who is very much his old self again, but who had to wait for me to walk him while I sat down and drank a tall glass of fruit juice. I needed that for quick energy after having eaten three good cookies in the morning. He very loyally laid down by my feet, looking up at me all the while to see when I would be finished and ready to go.

After I walked him, it was time to go see my psychiatrist at the same place where my SPN has her office and that is only a ten minute bike ride away from here. It is just far enough to bother me, but the end destination is good and safe, and that makes up for the inconvenience of having to go there. The offices are before you get to downtown, so I miss the worst of the traffic, though I do have to cross a very busy intersection that always causes me anxiety, but I rode my bike very slowly and tried not to get nervous about the whole process.

I told my psychiatrist about my agoraphobia and instead of giving me a solution to it (ha, ha, as if he has a magic wand) he said it is good to have coping strategies for as long as it lasts and to ponder over the problem carefully and slowly and to not try to come up with an answer to the reason for the problem overnight. That these things take time to think about and come to a solution to and that an answer to them may not always be found. The most important thing is to develop coping mechanisms so that you can adjust your life to take this particular problem into account. When he said that, a big sigh of relief escaped from my body, because I had felt a lot of pressure to solve the problem, when I reality I had already been working on the coping strategies. I feel like I'm not doomed now and that, within my limits, I can still function as normally as possible. I will just consider this a big time out from a lot of things and in the meantime give thought to why it is so difficult to do them with the help of my SPN, without feeling the pressure to solve the problem overnight.

He agreed to my increase in the tranquilizers, as long as I don't numb my feelings to the point that I don't have to pay attention to them anymore, which would excuse me from trying to do anything about them. I assured him that I was not to that point.

On the way home, I stopped by the pharmacy to get my thyroid medicine, which was easy, because I didn't have to make a detour and for this month I have all my medication. It's always quite a job to get it all taken care of and to have enough of everything at home, because some are given for a month and some are given for three months and there's always a kink in the cable somewhere because of miscommunication.

When I got home, I ate some lunch and sat down on the sofa, but sitting down became lying down and I slept for two and a half hours, even though I had slept well the night before. It's all part of the pattern and normally I would be depressed at this time of the year, except that now I'm not because of my medication, but I still show some depression like symptoms.

I don't have my household under control right now, but I'm not very concerned about it and I know that a few hours of work will set it right. I just have to put in those few hours, but have not found the motivation or energy to do it. So I just sort of muddle through. I do the dishes and the laundry and I tidy up, but the real cleaning drops by the wayside. The one thing I don't want is those people over the floor again that have me make a schedule and don't help me with the work. What a waste of time and manpower that was.

Tomorrow is my day off and I hope to be able to sleep in. Jesker will allow it, because he sleeps as late as I do.

That was my day and it is almost over. I feel alright, because I'm safe at home and it is evening and nothing can happen now. I have to close the blinds and put on my pajamas. It will be nice to sit here a while longer until I get tired again.

Have a good night,

Nora.

Monday afternoon again!

The good news is that Jesker seems to be getting better. He is a bit more lively and a bit more steady on his feet and a bit more aware of what is going on around him. We've walked around the little field twice today already and he did well. He didn't walk quickly, but he walked steadily. He still sleeps a lot, but he comes over to be petted regularly too, which he hadn't been doing, and he follows me around the apartment. So, although I barely dare to say it, I think maybe he is going to be alright, although he may never be his old self again. We'll see. We'll take each day as it comes.

I made sure he was taken care of this morning and went to creative therapy and I tell you, it was nice to get out of the apartment for a while, because I was starting to feel cooped up. I was gone for 4 hours and when I came home, Jesker came to greet me at the door. I thought that was a good sign.

I worked on my third painting, which I thought was almost finished, but when I saw it today, I realized that it wasn't and that I had to add more details and some extra layers of paint. So that's what I did all morning, very patiently. It's a shame that we have to have a 30 minute coffee break. I'd rather not have it and just keep on working, or have a 15 minute break, that would be enough, and I completely forgot to check if there were any cookies. I could have used some of those this morning.

I didn't take any photos yet, of course, so I won't be showing any of those today. I probably will on Friday.

When I paint at home, I sit by the dining table, and because I don't have any newspapers, I paint on the bare table, without any protection under the paper I'm working on. Needless to say, I've already got green acrylic paint on the table. It's dried up there and I don't know if I can get if off easily. No doubt more paint in different colors will follow, unless I find a big piece of cardboard or something. I used to have a plastic tablecloth, but I haven't seen it since the Exfactor moved out, not that I'm accusing him of taking it. I was just in a cleaning frenzy then and got rid of a bunch of things. Some regretfully so, I guess.

I'm not doing any grocery shopping today. It is raining and I don't want to go out in it. I'm going to make do with whatever I can find in the kitchen for dinner. I will probably be soup with vermicelli. The refrigerator is very bare. There's one egg in it and a jar of pickles and four beers, plus some other assorted items like condiments that are probably past their due date. I think I'll have one of those beers now. That will fill me up a bit...

...Mmm, that tastes good. It warms my stomach and gives me the hiccups. Gastric band!

Tomorrow I have an intake interview for the activities in the downstairs area of the clinic. I will find out what sort of things are available and how much of a waiting list there is and I know there is one, because a lot of people from the upstairs therapies are going to the downstairs activities. I'll just have to convince them with all my charm that I have to start after December the 18th. That it's absolutely crucial that I do, so I won't fall into a hole.

Well, never mind. I'm not going to fall into a hole that quickly. There are the wonderful holidays to get through.

Alcohol is a mood altering drug. I've suddenly become very mellow. There's only 5% alcohol in this beer, but it feels like more. Of course, I'm not used to much. I would make somebody a cheap date. They'd only have to buy me two beers and I would have reached my limit for the evening. I think I'll have a cup of coffee after this. It did fill my stomach, though.

Right, that was it for now. I think I'll go and make that cup of coffee now and start the soup. I don't really like the way the beer is making me feel. I hope it wears off quickly and I'll be back to normal soon. I think I like that state of mind better. I should really be a teetotaler.

Have a nice evening and don't feel bad if it rains. It's cozy inside and you don't have to go out on a bike in it.

Ciao,
Nora

A wee hours of the morning post.

Contrary to all well laid plans, I promptly fell asleep on the comfortable sofa last night at about 8 o'clock. I was fully dressed and just sort of toppled over sideways, but I don't actually remember a darn thing about it. It was a spontaneous sleep attack that struck me like a super bolt of lightening. It was an instantaneous case of falling soundly asleep and nothing could have stopped it.

It was very late when I woke up again and all the lights were burning brightly and the blinds were still open to the dark night and the TV was on. I changed into my comfortable pajamas and put my warm gray cardigan on to keep me from feeling chilled and took all of my medication, including my sleeping pill. I figured I would sit behind the trusty computer for about 20 minutes and be sound asleep in no time.

Well, several hours have passed and I am still stubbornly sitting behind the computer and I don't have a sleepy bone in my alert body yet. I must have a very strong constitution if I can defy a strong sleeping pill. Of course, I used to take them during the day to help me calm down, so I'm used to quite a large dose of them. I'm like a wild animal that needs an extra load of strong drugs to help put it into a deep sleep.

Instead of soundly sleeping, I'm trying to pay extra attention to my writing and trying to follow the exact rules of it. That means I write and read and edit, which is not something I normally do, but I have plenty of time for it now. I've made changes in every sentence I've typed, except this one. I don't have an education in writing literature and I don't know anything about grammar. All I know is what I've learned from reading many good novels. I'm an autodidact and writing in a second language (not the language of my childhood, and not the language I speak during the day).

In a little while, I'm going to do some painting and drawing. The Exfactor brought me another box of acrylic paints and he didn't want me to repay him for them. I though that was awfully kind of him. He does like to do me small favors like that and I appreciate them and let him know that too. I don't get all gushy, but thank him man to man, the way he can handle it.

Anyway, I'm going to do some painting and drawing and I think I have one that I have to finish still and I will start on a new one. I really want to make a real doodle, one that is completely abstract and that does not depict anything but shapes and forms, but somehow will look like something organic that is alive and could have come out of nature. Something like Sue's Doodles here. You have to have a lot of imagination and free association to be able to draw something like that and I am going to give it a try. It will be a test to see how loose I am in my artistic abilities to just let something emerge without forcing it to.

I have creative therapy again today and I don't know yet what I will do there. Several options are running through my head. I may just ask the therapist to give me an assigment. That way I will end up doing something I haven't done before. Which would be the smartest thing to do, of course. I am there to learn, after all, and to pick her brain, but I also have ideas of my own that I want to try out, so it's a toss up.

The things that have fallen completely by the wayside are the chores, but I'm not really concerned about them, because they will wait for me until tomorrow when I have the whole day off. I have to do the grocery shopping this afternoon and I'm not looking forward to that one bit. For some reason that causes me to feel stress and I don't like it. I'm trying to work my way around it and to figure out what the problem is exactly, but all I can come up with is a general unease about the whole thing and wanting to put it off indefinitely.

I think I feel very uncomfortable on my bike with it loaded down with all the groceries, but that's not the whole reason. There's more to it than that. I think that I don't feel entitled to be on the street and in the store and I'm afraid that someone will approach me and challenge my presence there, as if I'm not allowed to be there. As if I am a secondary citizen who doesn't have any rights and who so far is getting away with stuff, because she hasn't been caught yet. That's how it feels to be a person with a mental disability in a "normal" world.

Well, with that big confession I leave you. I must go draw and paint.

Have a good day once you wake up and find this. Feel free to share your thoughts with me.

Ciao,
Nora

Sleeping on the sofa...

I fell asleep on the sofa at 8 pm and woke up at midnight. I felt like I was wide awake. At least I wasn't in the mood to go to bed, so I turned on the computer and made myself a cup of coffee. I so dislike drinking decaf, that I made regular coffee. Since I've discovered the brand of coffee I drink now, I've come to dislike the old brand of coffee very much, especially the decaf, but the new brand of coffee doesn't have decaf, so I'm forced to buy that in the old brand. I never drink it. I save it for when the Exfactor comes over, he seems to like it just fine. I think it is awful and can't believe I used to drink it. That's what you put up with when you don't know better.

So anyway, to make a long story longer, I'm drinking my coffee from a mug that my sister gave me this afternoon and she got it while she was in Greece last week from a place called Mykonos. It's a wonderful touristy mug and I'm very happy with it, because I like receiving coffee mugs and I can always use more of them, and I like it especially if they are from some place special, which this one is. It's where she met her Italian boyfriend one year ago and they went back there to celebrate and also to Santorini. I saw the photos today and they were beautiful, just as you imagine it to be.

So, that's where my new mug came from and, of course, I had to drink from it right away, because you know how I am with new mugs. I only want mugs that have special meaning to me and so far almost all of them do. Well, not that I have a cabinet full of them...

It's been a most pleasant day, because I've only done things that were pleasing to me. That's how I ease myself into the week. Mondays are for the most part pleasant days. I had creative therapy this morning and worked on my third painting and added second and third layers of paint. Luckily, the acrylics dry fast and I can add the next layer of paint quickly. It's turning out alright and I think I will be done with it next Friday. I'll take photos of it then and post the rest of the photos of the other paintings too.

When I came home, I walked the dog and then decided that I no longer wanted to use Ubuntu, which was a tough decision to make, because I really like it, but there were some drawbacks to it, such as listening to my music easily, downloading my emails quickly, reading blogs in a easy to read print, accessing my digital camera and some other minor irritations. So, I uninstalled Ubuntu and went back to Windows, which freed up a lot of space on my computer.

I did, however, have to set new tabs for all my favorite sites, so they would open up automatically when I open up my browser, and my email program started to download all the emails I had received since I started using Ubuntu two months ago. There were more than 3,000 emails that I had to get rid off and I had to sort through them and save some of them. That was a lot of work.

At 3:30 I went to my sister for tea and cookies, or biscuits as the English say, and to see her photos of her vacation. She had bought cookies that were developed especially to have with a cup of tea and I had never had them before and they were delicious, so I had four of them. They were wafer thin and flavorful. They should ask me to do the advertising for them.

My nephew came home from school with a flat bicycle tire and when I left, my sister was getting ready to fix it. She found a piece of glass in it. I never fix my own flat tires. I've always had the Exfactor do it, but it's been a while since I've had a flat tire. I suppose I must learn to do it myself if I really want to be an emancipated woman. How badly do I want to prove that?

I had left the dog at home, so he made a big deal out of seeing me and pretended that he had to go out immediately, but I chose to ignore that and fed him his dinner first. He gobbled that down and then took a short nap to help him digest that. I had turned the computer on to check my emails and to see if I could get rid of any of the pictographs that were clogging up my computer screen. I wanted it to look neater than it did and removed a bunch of them that I thought were unnecessary. I don´t think I will come to regret it, but you never know. A lot of them belonged to stuff the Exfactor used to do. Games and things. I think he´s been gone long enough now for me to do that. Isn´t that silly? I almost felt like I had to ask for permission.

Today, because it is now today, I have to do some serious chores. There will be no dilly dallying around. First I have to go see my SPN and when I get home I will dust and vacuum and mop the kitchen floor. Then I will clean the bathroom and do a load of laundry or two. I will just have to prove that it is at times possible for me to be a diligent housewife. I don´t know who I will be proving it to, but only to myself. That should be good enough then, but it is better if there is someone to be witness to it when it is done. I can´t even show off my haphazard housewifely skills.

Well, alright then. This was not my most exciting post, but for one written in the middle of the night it´s not bad. I´ll try to be more entertaining the next time. Just tell me what you want. More drama, more irony, more humor? It´s yours for the asking.

Have a great day. I hope you get the weather you wish for and the events you hope for.

Ciao,
Nora.

The early morning...

I woke up to the same scene this morning as I did yesterday. The dog and Gandhi on the pillow and Toby next to me on the bed, very cozily, and I hate to upset the idyllic little scene, because everybody thinks they need to get up when I do. The cats think I will do interesting things in the kitchen, which I do, because if their milk dish is empty, or if the milk has gone sour, they get new milk straight from the refrigerator and they love that. The dog wants a treat, but he only gets one if he has gone out back for a piddle, so he does a small one to satisfy me and then gets his treat and goes back to sleep. I should know by now that this is our routine, but every morning the animals need to remind me that this is what we do. Well, I can't be expected to perform flawlessly first thing in the morning. I need to have some coffee first.

Yesterday afternoon, at around 3 o'clock, the same feelings of loathing and despair started sneaking up on me as they had the day before. I tried to outwit them for a while, but realized that I needed to go to sleep. I laid down on the sofa in a meditative position and closed my eyes and tuned out everything around me and inside of me and very soon afterwards, I fell asleep and slept for nearly two hours. I felt much better when I woke up, but I felt that I could have slept more, and later in the evening fell asleep watching TV. When I woke up, I took my medication and went straight to bed and slept until 4 o'clock this morning.

I think I need to remember that it is this time of year again, when I always have a harder time and I'm a little bit crazier than I am the rest of the time. It's when the leaves start changing color and start falling from the trees when I do, the same as I do when in the springtime the leaves start coming on the trees. Those are my crazy periods and my father had them too. It is more noticeable now that I live in a country with four seasons, where before in California I don't remember being so aware of that. I think my crazy periods were more haphazard, though they may have been seasonably bound, but I don't remember, because, like everything in my past, it is all very fuzzy and hard to recall.

I do know, for instance, that traveling to the United States makes me depressed and traveling back to Europe makes me hypo manic. That has something to do with the time difference, so I don't like traveling to the States, because I arrive there feeling very down and unable to get over it for the relatively short time that I'm there. When I get back to Europe, I'm full of energy and I have no jet lag and can adjust to the local time with no effort at all. I hate to disappoint my daughter by not going there, but that is the real reason. I'm not much fun when I'm depressed and I feel like a ball and chain around her leg, unable to cheer myself up, try as I might.

That's just a bit of information I thought I'd throw in gratuitously. The rhythm of the days and nights, and the hours of daylight, make such a difference in your mood. If you are susceptible to that. I being a Northern European am. By all rights I should be going into hibernation now, or moving to a sunny southern country. Many Northern Europeans move to Spain in the wintertime, especially people who live in Scandinavia where it really gets dark in winter.

Shortly we're going to have daylight saving time and that is really going to throw me for a loop. It will get so dark so early in the afternoon and I will always get up much too early in the morning. It will take a while before I get used to that. I wish we'd do away with it altogether, but I am just a lonely voice who can't make a difference. If there were a petition, I would sign it, but would it stand a chance?

Well. that's all very well, but now I have to get dressed and get the show on the road. I have creative therapy this morning and I'm going to be working on my third painting. The second one is done and I need to get the first two home with the help of my sister and her car. I can't transport them by bike. The wind will catch them and blow them to smithereens, that is if I were to take them one at the time.

Have a good morning. No doubt you will see me here again later today. I have an award to give away.

Ciao,
Nora.

Another middle of the nighter.

Well now, what do you think has happened? I was very tired early in the evening and went to bed at 8:30 pm, only to wake up at 12:30 am and find myself wide awake as if it was morning already and time to get up. Of course, I got up, because there is no sense lying in bed looking at the ceiling and ruminating over the past day, so I carefully stepped over the sleeping dog and went to the kitchen to make myself a cup of decaf. Since then, I've been sitting here behind the computer trying to keep myself entertained, and in a little while I'm going to sit down at the dining table and paint. I may as well make a productive night out of it.

It's really funny when you get up so early that it's barely even tomorrow yet. You look at the alarm clock and think to yourself that the time can't be right, but then you look at your watch and see that it is and you think, what am I going to do with this whole long night ahead of me? Of course, there are always numerous ways to entertain yourself on the Internet and I don't quickly run out of things to do.

Nowadays I even go to Facebook every day and that is something I used to neglect to do for long periods of time. I am a much better networker now than I used to be, although I don't use it to its full advantage, but I see people who do and I admire their enthusiasm and stamina. I like to see the artists and the pieces of art they create and I always hope there is new work to look at. Some of them are most excellent and the more abstract the art, the better I like it, because I am a primitive figurative painter myself. I always try to befriend artists and when I browse through suggested friends, that's what I look for. Many people have their artwork as their ativar.

Of course, I also read all the new posts of all the blogs I follow and leave comments there. I don't actually visit many artists blogs, because I like to read stories and I'm interested in how people tell them and use the language and get their point across and how a story unfolds. I also like the various subjects people write about and that make me think about things in my own life, although I also read a lot of Mommy blogs and I am certainly past that stage. I read those for the humor and the human interest and to remember my own experiences and to know I was not so unique in them. They're very eye opening.

So anyway, slowly the hands of the clock are moving toward the morning hour. It's becoming a more and more decent hour to be up as I feel the day creeping towards me. I want it to stay nighttime a little while longer, because I do want to paint for a while and I want to do that before I have to get dressed and walk the dog and get started on my chores. I do have those chores waiting for me and I think today might be the day that I tackle some of them.

I have an almost total lack of interest in how clean my floors are. I mean I sweep and vacuum them, but I hardly get around to mopping them. It just doesn't turn me on. The thought of bringing out the mop and the bucket is almost more than I can bear to think about. Isn't that silly? And I know that when I make a bucket full of suds, I will have those floors done in no time at all. It is just a matter of getting over the initial inertia.

It must have to do with the fact that by nature I'm not a good housewife at all and it displeases me to have to do it. I like things to be organized and picked up, but I don't like the actual cleaning and scrubbing. It's that my mother taught me how to clean house, otherwise I might not have liked to do it at all. We girls had to help clean the house from top to bottom every Saturday and we weren't dismissed until it was all done. We weren't allowed to complain about it either. And we had to dust all the baseboards, something I don't do now and it shows. My knees don't allow baseboard cleaning. They are too knobby and bony for it on the hard linoleum. Some day...I must keep my chin up and remember that one day the whole living room is going to be painted and that will include the baseboards.

Well, now I'm going to paint before it's too late to get started on it. This was just a wee hours of the morning ramble. I'll try to write something decent later on in the day. Maybe I'll be mightily inspired and write an epic story. Yeah!

Have a good day. It's supposed to rain here, so it should be very cozy inside and I'll get to wear layers of clothes when I go out.

Ciao,
Nora

A new day...

Well, I did as I said I would do last night and slept on the sofa to the sound of the television turned down low, so it did not interfere with my sleep. It was rather pleasant, except for that part when I woke up with a very sore arm and hand, but I am getting used to that and know how to deal with it. I pick up my arm and lay it in the proper position and open and close my hand until the pain leaves and the feeling comes back into it and my arm.

I got up at nine and immediately made myself a cup of coffee. Then I turned on my computer and checked my emails, which take forever to download for some reason. Th emails are always the most fun part of the start of the day, because they contain the comments to my latest post and I get to answer those. There are also comments from Facebook and comments from the writer's websites I write for. They keep me busy and off the streets. Sometimes it's a bit overwhelming and I postpone answering some of them until later, when I've had my second cup of coffee and I am properly awake.

If I'm smart, I take my medicines right away and feel the soothing effects of them quickly. It's like a blanket of serenity gets draped over me, although that may be a psychological effect as much as a physical one. Because I feel calm, I feel even calmer, and so on.

Of course, this morning's wake up belongs to the weekend, because I have nowhere to go and no obligations other than to walk the dog, which I eventually do when I'm good and ready and he can't wait another minute, but he is very patient and lounges around on his blanket and by my feet, under the desk. Jesker is the most patient dog of them all.

The dining table is a mess. There are my cigarette making paraphernalia and bills that have been paid. There's my watercolor pad and my brushes and paints and felt tip markers. There is a stack of packages that has to be sent in the mail, and everywhere there are cat hairs and tobacco crumbs, because the dining table is the favorite hangout of the cats and my favorite place to sit also and make cigarettes and look out the window. I will have to clean and organize it in one fell swoop. I also have to clean up the kitchen again and the bathroom. Aarghhh!

Not now, now I'm sitting here writing this nonsense, that has no other purpose than to keep me from doing the things that I ought to be doing, like watering the poor plants and I do want to finish painting that second drawing, so I must clean the apartment first. I do have my priorities. There has to be work done before the fun can start. I won't be able to relax otherwise and concentrate on painting.

I think before I do anything, I will eat. If you ask me, that is vastly underrated. I always seem to do it as an afterthought. Oh yes, I need to eat too! I usually forget and then try to get caught up the rest of the day, although you can't tell by my body shape that I do this. I'm round in all the right places. I have love handles.

The weather is beautiful outside. It's going to be 25 degrees and the sun will be shining most of the day. No leggings and boots today and no long sleeves. Just milk bottle white legs and brown feet in ballerina slippers, because, of course, my feet have a tan.

Have a good day. Enjoy your Saturday very much. I hope it's a good one for you.

Ciao,
Nora.

Back in business.

I've got my computer back and the repair was very cheap. I looked at the man with my mouth dropped open when he told me how little it cost. It was my lucky day, I guess. It's working like a dream and I even managed to hook it up properly all on my own, according to the instructions of the Exfactor who had written them down on a little piece of paper. Now I will always be able to do it, after I had never done so before. Isn't that silly?

My sister and I went to pick it up together in her car and it turned out that her neighbor is the father in law of the man who owns the computer shop and he just happened to be there, so it was like a homecoming. Much chatting had to be done, and the fun part is, that in this shop they also sell turntables to play your records on, if you still own those, and there were some really nice ones there, which made me nostalgic for all the records I once owned and the crackly sound they made when the needle touched down on the first grooves. I would buy a turntable if I knew I could find some of my favorite records. Ah, keep dreaming, Nora!

Anyway, I've got my computer back and that is a true pleasure, although I was not bored when I did not have it. I drew and painted pictures and am mighty pleased with myself. I've got one done and am working on another one. I've got a box of 12 tubes of acrylic paints that I also mix to get even more colors, so I am happy. The paper of the watercolor pad is very nice to paint on, as it is thick and absorbs the paints well and they dry quickly, which is good, because I have a tendency to forget that I just painted something and lay my hand in it. Major snafu. Luckily, subsequent layers of paint cover everything up if it gets messed up.

I'm using the same technique that I use on the canvas paintings and went with the same theme, but now I'm ready to try something else. I've had my try outs now and I need to come up with something new. I've even found a pencil and an eraser, so I can sketch to my heart's delight and make errors and erase until I get it right. I've also got that nice magazine to find inspiration in. I'm thinking about a beach scene with a beach chair and an umbrella and all the paraphernalia that goes with it. Or a kitchen window with curtains and plants in the windowsill and coffee cups on the counter. Maybe a cat that sits and watches it all. I have to give my imagination a chance to unwind and go to work.

It's 5:45 pm and the church bells are ringing. It must be time for mass. I should run over and see what people are doing there right now, but I'm too lazy to do it. Maybe another day when I'm more prepared. I haven't lit a candle in a chapel in a long time. That means I haven't been hypo manic in a while, because I only get religious when I am really hypo manic. I feel the spirit of God descending on me when I'm like that and the enormous urge to be in the basilica in front of the statue of Mary who is clothed in a blue robe. Maybe it's better that I'm in this normal, in between mood. I still have all my sensibilities this way and am not submissively knelt down in prayer asking for impossible things.

Jesker is still doing really well. The only problem is that the pain medication is making him fart a lot and since he always is where I am, I get huge overdoses of it and they are pretty hefty. Luckily, I'm very fond of him, so I can tolerate them, but if he were a stranger, I would move out of the room. The poor guy, he doesn't have a clue as to how bad he smells. His farts could be used as weapons of war. But I love him anyway. Well, somebody has to.

I did the grocery shopping today, and even though the parking lot and the bike rack were very full, the big store seemed to have absorbed all the shoppers and there were many check out stands open and I was done in no time and even had enough money left in my bank account to pay for the groceries, because that was a doubtful moment. I bought fresh juice and the first thing I did when I came home, was drink two glasses of it, because I was so thirsty, which reminds me that I have to check my glucose levels, because I have been very thirsty lately and going to the toilet a lot. Could be nothing at all, of course.

The cereal I buy is high in vitamin B and iron and some other minerals. I made a point to check that today before I bought it. There is another cereal similar to it that doesn't make that claim, so I won't buy that one, even though it is cheaper. I think maybe that's why it is cheaper. I want everything that I eat to have vitamins and minerals in it that are good for me and diverse. I don't want empty calories. I have been unable to eat anything remotely like a bigger portion. I think my gastric band has shifted and I can only eat little bits of food. It is very frustrating, but now that I've caught on to it, I know what to do. It just will take me a long time to finish a meal. I have to sit and wait for the little bits to pass the gastric band. Sometimes getting up and walking around helps.

Well, my trusty four footer wants to go for a walk, so I guess I will take him now. He is trying to be patient, but he can hardly contain himself. He is looking at me with mournful eyes. You just can't ignore that look.

Have a good evening, all of you. The sun is still shining. And the temperature inside has gone up by a whole degree.

Ciao,
Nora.

Feel good day...

Monday is always a feel good day, because I leave the somewhat boring weekend behind me and start a new week of interesting activities. I do have to say, though, that this weekend wasn't especially boring and that even the Sunday went by quickly and that I managed to amuse myself well enough not to have any real dull moments. I don't know why that was, except that I chose to ignore the fact most of the day that it was Sunday and pretended it was just any old day of the week. Of course, I couldn't go shopping, but then I don't go shopping much the other days of the week either, so that really made no difference. It was just the idea that it was Sunday that I had to get over.

I had creative therapy today and worked on my painting, putting on first layers of paint and second and third layers, because some of the colors require a third one. I think it's turning out well, but I'll let you be the judge of that when I'm done with it and I'll post a picture of it and the first painting. No, I shouldn't say that I'll let you be the judge of that. I should say that they are good and that's it.

When I came home, my psychiatrist called me again and I could assure him that I was back to normal and that my problem was behind me, which is a great relief to me and it was to him also. He's a very conscientious psychiatrist and takes his patients very seriously and I like that about him. He doesn't just give you lip service, to throw in an Americanism. I don't know any other way to put it.

Then the Exfactor came over for a visit and had a cup of coffee and Gandhi was all over him being a girl cat, getting all sorts of attention. She twisted and turned herself all over on his lap to get the most amount of petting possible. So typical of a little girlie.

After the Exfactor left, I tried to sit behind the computer for a bit, but I realized that what I needed was a nap, so I got some lunch and ate that and then made myself comfortable on the sofa and slept the rest of the afternoon. It was wonderful and just what I needed. I don't worry anymore about what my sleeping pattern signifies. I just sleep when I need it and don't worry if it means anything pertaining to my mood. Instead of thinking it does, I accept the sleep as something I need and nothing more. Just like I don't try to second guess a lot of my behavior anymore. It is what it is and if it acts like a duck, it must be a duck.

When I woke up, Jesker wanted to eat, although he wasn't making himself very clear about it at first. I had to guess what he wanted a little bit. He doesn't walk up to his bowl and bark at it. He just barks in the middle of the living room, so it could mean several things. After he ate, he wanted to be walked and he was more clear about that and we had a little conversation about it. I told him that I had to finish my cigarette and that he had to wait a while and that I had to get my shoes on first.

Now, he understands a number of those words, so he knows he has to wait, but he does it very pathetically, with his ears folded back and a mournful look in his eyes, while he makes little puppy sounds. That means, poor me, I have to wait a whole three minutes and that's so long. I said to him, where are my shoes? Go look for my shoes. But he just looked around bewilderedly and put his head in my lap, as if to say, don't make it so hard on me. Gosh, I do love my dog!

I can now take it easy and change into my pajamas and bathrobe and sit back and relax. Tomorrow morning I have an appointment with my SPN and it will be good to talk to her. I haven't seen her since a week before last because she took some time off. I always like going to see her, because I always get a little wiser about myself when I do. I'd say that's a very good benefit, wouldn't you? The one you hope for anyway. Between my psychiatrist and my SPN, I'm in good hands.

Well alright, I think that's about it for today. I haven't bought another scarf yet, but I will do that tomorrow. I have this purple, red and black one, a green one and a blue one, so now I must try to find a gray one or a red one. Cross your fingers for me.

Have a super evening, or a super day, if that's your time zone.

Ciao,
Nora.

Bravado...

I am trying to be lazy on this Saturday morning, but I don't know if the dog will let me. I have let him out back for a piddle and he has eaten a bowl of food, but he may want to go for a walk any minute now and that means I will have to change out of this comfortable bathrobe into my regular clothes and I so don't want to. I need at least another cup of coffee and several more cigarettes. Darn, I need a certain amount of my vices in the morning. Two cups of coffee isn't too much to ask for.

The second painting at creative therapy is going well. So far, I'm very pleased with it, but it does help to have some very white paint handy for when I go over the lines. I can't wait for it to be Monday so I can work on it again. First I have to get through those two long days of the weekend, of which Sunday is the longest day.

When I came home at 12:30 in the afternoon yesterday, there was a watercolor pad laying on the dining table and I knew right away that the Exfactor had put it there, so I called him to thank him for it and he said that it was not the present that he wanted to still give me. I'm completely in the dark now about what it could be, because I thought he maybe was going to buy me a sketch pad. This one says it is a sketch and watercolor pad.

I can't wait to begin to use it, but I feel that I must develop some other style or technique and I need to do a little bit of pondering about what those could be. I have tubes of paint, so I could be painting also. I must give it a long hard think. Something abstract maybe. I only have two art books and maybe I can find something to inspire me in them. There's an acute shortage of art books, I would say. Time to hit the second hand bookstore.

My afternoon with Von was nice. We had cappuccinos and tea at our regular outdoor café and they were accompanied by some Italian cookies that were so hard that they were impossible to bite into and we could have done each other some serious damage if we had thrown them at one another. Usually, we get pieces of soft nougat with our beverages and I hope that they get rid of those cookies and return to the nougat or pick something else that's more digestible. At one of the cafés on the big square you get a cookie and a chocolate, but I think that Von prefers this smaller more intimate square.

We saw two bridal couples outside the ancient basilica and both the brides were dressed in ivory colored dresses with bouquets of red roses. The church bells rang especially for them. It was quite festive and we think it was a double wedding. Love was in the air and everybody was happy. It was very sweet to see and made you long to be that young again and have a wedding of your own (but, of course, have the wisdom that you have now). If only you could trust those grooms!

We walked around downtown and I pulled a croquette out of the wall at Snackson's over by the big square and Von had a big paper cone of fries with mayonnaise. We ate that while walking down the street, which is half the pleasure of it, because women our age are not supposed to eat in the street. It goes against convention. You're supposed to find a suitable place to sit down to consume your food. Of course, we had to lick our fingers, because as usual there were no napkins, as that is considered too much of an investment and wasteful.

Today I've got to do some grocery shopping and I'm not looking forward to it at all, because it will be busy in the store and I never like that. I do so like it when there are lots of places to park my bike and lots of shopping baskets and no distracted shoppers in the aisles. I guess I need a store of my own, or I need to go at 8 o'clock in the morning. Fool that I didn't think of it. First I better check my bank account balance to see if there is any money to shop with.

I think, other than the shopping, I will declare this "take it easy day," as I have few chores to do and I may as well do those tomorrow when I'm bored because it's Sunday.

Have a terrific Saturday everyone. Think of me when you load your groceries in your car, as I wobble down the street with mine.

Oh, for privacy reasons, I have changed my name on every website I frequent. I realized I didn't want to be so much of a public figure and have all of the details of my life out there and have them directly attached to my name. My name is now Nora Ibsen and I would appreciate it if you would address me as Nora from now on.

Thanks,
Nora

In the middle of the night...

I am wide awake. I fell asleep on the sofa yesterday evening and then moved to my bed at eleven o'clock, but I just woke up again, ready to start the day that isn't even remotely here yet. I guess it's going to be one of those mixed up nights again. I'm not concerned about it, because I don't have to be anywhere today, except for the pharmacy where I have to pick up some medications and I can do that at any time.

Yesterday was a nice enough day as birthdays go, but I suddenly hit a low point at about seven o'clock in the evening. My mood tumbled down and I became sad and disheartened. I knew the thing to do was to go to sleep, so I ate some dinner and put on my pajamas and laid down on the sofa, where I promptly fell asleep. It was the best thing I could have done and when I woke up at eleven, and I still felt that way, the best thing to do was to take my medicines and to go to bed. I didn't even bother reading my book and just went straight to sleep.

I think any event, no matter how big or little, has a tendency to upset me and throw me off balance and I guess certainly my birthday did, although I was happy about it during the day, so even happy events can be upsetting. I felt as if I suddenly became depressed, but that mood is gone and now I feel pretty neutral, which in itself is an odd thing, because how can you feel neutral about anything? That means you don't feel one way or the other. Still, it's better than feeling depressed.

I bought an apple pie and chocolate chip cupcakes yesterday, because my nephew doesn't like pie. I also bought him a bottle of diet coke, which I now have to finish and that is a real sacrifice. The apple pie was delicious, which I knew it would be, because the store is well known for them. I also did the grocery shopping at the same time and it wasn't all that bad. It was busy in the store but the lines weren't too long and I was done in no time. Which goes to show you that what you dread to do is never as bad as you think it will be.

My sister got me a hardbound Inspector Linley novel and the Exfactor got me a very good bicycle tire pump, the kind that stands up. He says I've got another present coming at the end of the week, so I'm looking forward to that. My oldest sister sent me money and she doesn't half know how welcome that is, because I now have 50 Euros in cash. That's a lot of cash for me and is a week's worth of groceries. When you're on a low budget, that counts.

My cups of coffee are tasting especially good right now. I just made my second one and it turned out just right. I also took a tranquilizer about an hour ago to get rid of the stress I felt, even though I at first was not aware of it. I so often feel stress without realizing it, until I pay attention to myself and feel that my body is tensed up and that my jaw is tight. When I take a tranquilizer, everything relaxes after awhile, and includes the softening of my thoughts, which is very welcome. It's like a load is removed from my shoulders and everything is so much easier.

My sister called my attention to the fact that the dog has gotten fat and she is right, he is overweight, but I had already started to cut down on his food, so hopefully that will help. He is getting half the portion of canned food that he was getting and he is not complaining, so he is getting enough food. He was most likely getting too much to eat before.

I am going to two more ergo therapy sessions. Then I will have my meeting with my therapists and my SPN and I will start the new creative therapy class. I think that's fair enough and two more sessions are okay. It also gives me a chance to say my proper goodbyes to the group, of which there are only three original people left that I started out with. You do become attached to them, but I will still see them at the clinic during coffee breaks. I am looking forward to the creative therapy class on Wednesdays, which is a different one than I go to on Mondays and Fridays, so I will learn different techniques there.

I finished the first painting and I took a photo of it, but I haven't downloaded it yet, so I can't show you it. I will in good time. I've started another one on a new canvas and I've got most of it drawn on there already. I knew what I was doing this time and the scale is a little bit better, I think, although my therapist said it is fine in the first one and when I was done with it, someone wanted to buy it, but I said no. She didn't say how much she wanted to pay for it and if she had offered a 100 Euros, I would have said yes. I don't come cheap.

I'm looking forward to the day when I can buy some frames for some of my collages. I want to frame at least two of them and hang them up in the living room. I've already picked out the ones I want to do. It will be nice having them up and being able to look at them every day, and to think, "Yes, I've made those and I'm happy with them." That's a satisfaction I can't wait for.

I hope you all have a very good day filled with good and satisfying events. I'm hoping for a day filled with serenity myself.

Ciao...

Happy Rainy Friday...

Well, it was raining earlier, quite hard, but I was inside, so I didn't suffer any discomfort from it. I was sitting out on the deck at the clinic about to light a cigarette when the first drops fell, so I moved to the smoker's room in a hurry and was joined by two fellow smokers and we very cozily listened to the rain hit the skylight.

I had creative therapy today and I worked on my painting and just about have it done. I have to add second layers of colors here and there, but that's it and I think I'm satisfied with it, but I can't wait to start a second, better one now that I know what I'm doing. There's always room for improvement, after all, and I can see what I could have done better, although I like what I've done well enough. You can see that I'm absolutely undecided about this painting, can't you?

I saw my ergo therapist and told her about the creative therapy I had on Wednesday when she was sick and how much I enjoyed it and if maybe I could add one of that therapist's classes back to my schedule. She wasn't too sure about that, because she didn't really want me to take on more than I could handle, but she thought it might be a good idea for me to trade my ergo therapy for a creative therapy class. She said she would discuss it with the team and let me know.

Now, I thought I would mind giving up ergo therapy, but when she put it to me, I realized that I didn't mind it at all if I could trade it for that creative therapy class. Isn't that funny? Maybe I'm all done with ergo therapy. It is true that lately I've been bored there a lot, not so much with my own issues, but with other people's issues. I don't have so much patience with them anymore. Especially not with the people who are starting from scratch.

I also had an evaluation at 1 pm. That means filling out questionnaires and multiple choice lists and discussing the questionnaires with one of the therapists afterwards. This is all in preparation for the meeting I will have with my therapists and my SPN on the 21st, when my end date will be picked, which hopefully will be at the end of December.

So, I filled out all the paperwork, which is always a bit of a pain in the neck, and discussed it with my creative therapist, who I have on Mondays and Fridays, and she had already heard about me dropping ergo therapy in favor of the other creative therapy class and she questioned me about it a bit. I told her about all the different techniques I could learn in that class and how I could apply those at home on my own and how excited I was about that. I think she could understand my excitement and really got into it with me, until it was practically a done deal. She said she would discuss it with my ergo therapist and let me know on Monday.

I am so excited about this and really want it to happen. I think if I push a little bit it will. I'll have to say my proper goodbyes to the ergo group, but then I'm more than ready to go. I'll not be like Lot's wife and look around and turn into a pillar of salt. Once I go, that's it, I'm gone for good. No doubts about it.

Well anyway, I was able to wear the boots I repaired yesterday. I had the right glue after all and the sole is stuck to the bottom very well. There were two other pairs of boots I could have worn, but these are the most comfortable and they fit the weather the best. The other boots are for when it gets colder.

I wore a long sweater and my blue jeans miniskirt and leggings and I felt so comfortable in them. Everything is a little big on me, so therefor the comfort.

This is all I've got to tell you. I don't know what else to add. Maybe I'll think of something later, but I'll have to save that for tomorrow morning. Oh yes. I've started reading Secret Scripture. So far, so good. Pretty fascinating, really.

Ciao...

Carefully...

I'm trying to figure out why I didn't write a post last night. Was I really not interested in writing down anything at all? I can't believe I didn't. I'm usually such a chatty person on my blog. I normally don't let a chance go by without saying something, isn't that true? I always have something to declare and have an opinion on at least one thing. Strange, isn't it?

Well, it goes to show you that even someone who is as rusted solid into her habits as I am, can forget about them completely and do something different without giving it a second thought. As a matter of fact, I didn't have the computer on last night. I turned it off and watched television and went to bed early, although I have to tell you that I hardly remember what I watched. Oh yes, I do. I watched a three hour long interview with a Dutch orchestra director who was not at all an intellectual, but who just happened to be a very gifted violin player.

Actually, I didn't watch the whole three hours and only watched the first two or so, because I was disappointed in the man. I never heard someone who knew so little about music and life, and was so bad in expressing it as he did. I was expecting much more, but he may as well have been a third grade teacher. Not meaning to demean those good people, but you know what I mean, don't you? I was expecting far reaching insights into the music of Mahler, but there was nothing there. I was not enlightened.

So, I went to bed with the novel Sea Glass, which I had also read in the afternoon and I can now tell you that the short stories are about a returning cast of characters that lives within a certain geographic area and it wouldn't surprise if in the end they were to all meet. Two of the characters of the different stories have met already and I'm sure the rest will tumble into each other's arms too. Not that it is a romantic novel. It is a realistic novel about a certain era in not too distant American history, although this was not immediately clear to me. I was a bit confused about what era they all lived in, but it turns out they all live in the same. They just seem so different. Different lives, different circumstances...

Anyway, that was last night and I slept well and woke up early and turned on the computer for a while, because I had enough time for that. The hours flew by, though, and I took a shower and got dressed nicely and carefully, in order to look especially good for no reason at all, and walked the dog in the very pleasant fresh morning air. It's so nice to be out early and to breathe in the almost dew. It wasn't quite there anymore, because the sun had already been up for a while and the temperatures were already rising, but it was still cool enough to wear a jacket. I wore my toe slippers and had really hoped to walk on the dew on the grass, but there was none. There is a myth that dew makes your callouses disappear and that's what I wanted to try.

This morning at creative therapy I spent a lot of time painting my canvas drawing. I painted a second coat on everything and painted some things for the first time and drew one bush with berries in it. That's all the drawing I did. I was being careful about painting and I was trying not to get it in the wrong places or all over myself. Still, I managed to get it on my hands and arms and even some on my top, but just a minuscule amount that will wash out. I have more cat hair on my top than paint. How that happens, I don't know. I think it has to do with static electricity. I am negatively charged, maybe, and the hair zaps to me when I get near it.

When I got home, after testing all my gears on my bike (and the third gear is hard going), I walked the dog and ate lunch and then I finally hung up the laundry to dry and put in a new load. I also put away all the clothes that I had taken out of my closet during the proceeding week. I have a tendency sometimes to not do that right away, but to stack them all on top of the washing machine and wait for inspiration to strike me and hopefully put them away when the timing is just right. Such a moment arrived this afternoon.

So far, I've gotten thirteen books from Bookmooch and I am expecting more. I've sent seven and have to send nine more, but I am staggering those, so it won't cost me an arm and a leg. As soon as I send off the next batch, I'll get more points to mooch more books. When I've finished Sea Glass, I am reading The Secret Scripture. That I determined some time ago and I'm sticking with that decision, You know how I am. Once I make up my mind, I stay with it. I am a creature of my habits and rules. I don't know how I got so strict about some things with myself. It must be because I can be so lazy about other things. There has to be order in my chaos somewhere.

Jesker is very contently sleeping at my feet. He only ate a little bit of his food and was quite upset with me when I put it down, because that's not at all what he wanted, so I misunderstood him. I still don't know what he did want. He sure made a lot of noise. He was barking very loudly, now that he has discovered that he gets his point across very well that way, if not the meaning. The cats will eat the food instead, but that is not the purpose of the exercise and I have to put it away in the refrigerator. Jesker likes cold food. Maybe his taste buds are shot.

Well, I have to go and hang up the sheets outside on the clothing line. There's no rain expected as far as I know, so they will be dry in no time. I have to wash Jesker's blanket and apply some flea drops. It's that time of the month again. He's scratching, so I'm very suspicious. I also have to vacuum the bedroom, but maybe I'll do that tomorrow. As Scarlett said, "Tomorrow is another day..."

Have a good day yourself.

Ciao...