Tuesday, September 08, 2009

In the middle of the night...

I am wide awake. I fell asleep on the sofa yesterday evening and then moved to my bed at eleven o'clock, but I just woke up again, ready to start the day that isn't even remotely here yet. I guess it's going to be one of those mixed up nights again. I'm not concerned about it, because I don't have to be anywhere today, except for the pharmacy where I have to pick up some medications and I can do that at any time.

Yesterday was a nice enough day as birthdays go, but I suddenly hit a low point at about seven o'clock in the evening. My mood tumbled down and I became sad and disheartened. I knew the thing to do was to go to sleep, so I ate some dinner and put on my pajamas and laid down on the sofa, where I promptly fell asleep. It was the best thing I could have done and when I woke up at eleven, and I still felt that way, the best thing to do was to take my medicines and to go to bed. I didn't even bother reading my book and just went straight to sleep.

I think any event, no matter how big or little, has a tendency to upset me and throw me off balance and I guess certainly my birthday did, although I was happy about it during the day, so even happy events can be upsetting. I felt as if I suddenly became depressed, but that mood is gone and now I feel pretty neutral, which in itself is an odd thing, because how can you feel neutral about anything? That means you don't feel one way or the other. Still, it's better than feeling depressed.

I bought an apple pie and chocolate chip cupcakes yesterday, because my nephew doesn't like pie. I also bought him a bottle of diet coke, which I now have to finish and that is a real sacrifice. The apple pie was delicious, which I knew it would be, because the store is well known for them. I also did the grocery shopping at the same time and it wasn't all that bad. It was busy in the store but the lines weren't too long and I was done in no time. Which goes to show you that what you dread to do is never as bad as you think it will be.

My sister got me a hardbound Inspector Linley novel and the Exfactor got me a very good bicycle tire pump, the kind that stands up. He says I've got another present coming at the end of the week, so I'm looking forward to that. My oldest sister sent me money and she doesn't half know how welcome that is, because I now have 50 Euros in cash. That's a lot of cash for me and is a week's worth of groceries. When you're on a low budget, that counts.

My cups of coffee are tasting especially good right now. I just made my second one and it turned out just right. I also took a tranquilizer about an hour ago to get rid of the stress I felt, even though I at first was not aware of it. I so often feel stress without realizing it, until I pay attention to myself and feel that my body is tensed up and that my jaw is tight. When I take a tranquilizer, everything relaxes after awhile, and includes the softening of my thoughts, which is very welcome. It's like a load is removed from my shoulders and everything is so much easier.

My sister called my attention to the fact that the dog has gotten fat and she is right, he is overweight, but I had already started to cut down on his food, so hopefully that will help. He is getting half the portion of canned food that he was getting and he is not complaining, so he is getting enough food. He was most likely getting too much to eat before.

I am going to two more ergo therapy sessions. Then I will have my meeting with my therapists and my SPN and I will start the new creative therapy class. I think that's fair enough and two more sessions are okay. It also gives me a chance to say my proper goodbyes to the group, of which there are only three original people left that I started out with. You do become attached to them, but I will still see them at the clinic during coffee breaks. I am looking forward to the creative therapy class on Wednesdays, which is a different one than I go to on Mondays and Fridays, so I will learn different techniques there.

I finished the first painting and I took a photo of it, but I haven't downloaded it yet, so I can't show you it. I will in good time. I've started another one on a new canvas and I've got most of it drawn on there already. I knew what I was doing this time and the scale is a little bit better, I think, although my therapist said it is fine in the first one and when I was done with it, someone wanted to buy it, but I said no. She didn't say how much she wanted to pay for it and if she had offered a 100 Euros, I would have said yes. I don't come cheap.

I'm looking forward to the day when I can buy some frames for some of my collages. I want to frame at least two of them and hang them up in the living room. I've already picked out the ones I want to do. It will be nice having them up and being able to look at them every day, and to think, "Yes, I've made those and I'm happy with them." That's a satisfaction I can't wait for.

I hope you all have a very good day filled with good and satisfying events. I'm hoping for a day filled with serenity myself.



Maggie May said...

Glad you enjoyed your Birthday until 7 o'clock!
Strange how a big event (albeit a happy one) can upset the applecart and keep you awake.

Last night I woke at 3 am and then just could not get back to sleep until about 6 am and then I was wakened up with a cup of tea at 7 am. I feel really tired & have no idea why that happened. Feel really tired now though.

Glad you got some extra cash for your Birthday. I wonder what the extra present is from the Exfactor. You have to wait till the end of the week!

Have a good day, Irene X

Babaloo said...

Birthdays are odd days sometimes, aren't they? You know they should be happy days but then they're just like normal days sometimes which means you can feel bad or neutral or anything as on any other day. I don't like the pressure to make them an especially happy day. What I like is when people remember me on that day and sometimes a very small but unexpected present can really change my mood from so-so to extremely happy.

I hope you like your Inspector Linley, I just ordered the latest one in paperback from Amazon. Are we talking about the same one?

jeannette stgermain said...

Happy Birthday, Irene! The apple pie sounds good (do you mean vlaai? And I have to miss that?! I guess geen gebakjes, he?)
Glad you decided that your paintings don't come cheap LOL!!

Gail said...

Another Happy Birthday from me! Sounds like it was good. It seems you don't allow your self to have a good time for long.

An offer on your first painting!!! That is wonderful! You could buy the frames for your collages if you sold your painting. You do have a picture of it.

Friend of the Bear said...

Dear Irene,

Glad you enjoyed your birthday. I know what you mean about anything exciting or just different from the norm having that effect. I think it's the come down from all the adrenalin. Sounds like you dealt with it in the best possible way. You are always so sensible.

Maybe, if you want to sell your painting you could get a copy for yourself from a print shop? A shop where I am does large excellent quality photocopies on good paper for only a pound. Maybe there is such a shop near you? Or get several copies done and sell them on!

Perhaps there is a new career for you in your painting?

I hope you have a lovely serene day.

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

John said...

frames, the bane of art.is.t...

Frances said...

hugs and a belated happy birthday.
Hope tomorrow is a cheery day
keep well dear one

Wisewebwoman said...

I know how instant paralysis of emotion feels, dear Irene, out of a clear blue sky too and on a supposedly 'happy day'.
I am so delighted about the offer of purchase for a painting, this is such good news and a validation of the talent I always knew you had.
Beginning of a new journey perhaps?