Finally, in the end...

I will write a blog post if it's the last thing I do. I have tried it several times in the last few days but always got discouraged and deleted them. I felt I had nothing news worthy to say and that all my words amounted to nothing at all. I will now make an honest attempt to finish writing one and put some effort into it. I won't get discouraged after just two paragraphs. 

I'm sitting here late at night hoping that I will not have another sleepless one like I've had for the past few nights. The lack of sleep has plain worn me out and I have been unable to take naps during the day to make up for it. It's been a real bother and I have gotten wired as a result, but tonight I am at least a bit more mellow and relaxed  so that bodes well. I may just be able to go to sleep later. 

I have been keeping myself occupied during the sleepless hours with Facebook which I rejoined after a  year long sabbatical. I'm as hooked as I ever was, it is so addictive. There are some new features that make it more attractive to use and, of course, that makes matters worse. I feel that I should go to Facebook Anonymous and make a confession. "Hi, my name is Nora and I'm a Facebook addict."

It's plain ridiculous, of course, and I'm sure I'll get over it again. It's just a phase I'm going through. It has to do with temporarily having to miss my daughter. I'm taking that kind of hard and I can't wait for her to come back from Italy. I'm unsettled as a result of it. I'm completely off my 'a propos.'

That's why it's so important that I sit here and write this completely normal post. I need to do something very standard so that I will feel as normal as possible. I need to tell you that I will have a glass of ice cold milk in a little while to quench my thirst and to get me ready for bed. If I don't do that, I will stay lost in the confusion.

Of course, I have nothing left to write about now. There are things I can't tell you because they concern other people and I'm not at liberty to talk about them, although they do effect me. That's my dilemma. It's tough, but that's the way it is. A lot more would become clear to you.

I hope you're all well. 

Ciao,

Nora

A cup of coffee will help...

It's late in the evening and I've already been asleep. Unfortunately, I was not as lucky as I was Monday night when I went to bed early and stayed asleep all night long. I slept for almost twelve hours then. It was unheard of.

No, tonight I woke up again, but I was sitting here bleary eyed, almost unable to do anything, and I was thinking about going back to bed. Then I realized that I had not had any coffee yet and quickly made some and now I'm having a cup of it. Rather rapidly I'm coming to my senses as the caffeine kicks in. I'm almost coherent now. 

I must have had a shortage in my brain to think I could have sat here without a cup of coffee. I know I can't function without having had the caffeine. I don't know what I was thinking. A general lethargy had a hold of me and it felt as if my body was pulled down extra hard by gravity. Beyond the normal pull that gravity has. 

I had that lethargy in my brain also. Thank goodness for bright ideas and the willpower to see them through. It did cost me some effort to open up the new package of coffee. As always it was vacuum packed and a pain in the neck to open. You're supposed to be able to do that without the aid of scissors and it's quite a trick. It's a matter of honor that I do. 

I don't know how I managed to sleep for almost twelve hours Monday night. I did get up twice. Once to go to the toilet and once to let the dog out back. Both times I was very sleepy headed and stumbled back into bed. I haven't slept like that since I was a teenager. I'm sorry I'm not repeating the exercise tonight. I did have great hopes, but I was foiled in my attempt. 

I alphabetized the bookcase. I thought I was doing a great job, but in the end I was left with about ten books that I had overlooked. I just stuck those in at the end. I can't be perfect and I'll know where they are. I took my time doing that while the domestic help cleaned the apartment. I wanted to make myself useful while she was here. 

I may not be reading much, but at least my books are organized. While I was doing this, I ran into all sorts of books I have not read yet and they did make me curious. I'm going to wait until I get my varifocal glasses and see if they make any difference in my reading ability. I may also dislike reading because I have crappy reading glasses. We'll see. These don't correct for my astigmatism and that may make a difference. 

The weather was dreary today. It was drizzling and chilly. It was not the kind of day to be cheerful about. I suppose you could say that it was a real autumn day in the worst sense. Today it's going to be a lot better and we'll even have some sunshine. I don't mind the cold as long as the sun is shining. I have grown quite attached to sunshine this fall. I've really learned to appreciate it after all the rain we had. 

The dog is trying to convince me that he needs to go out again. He knows just the kind of facial expression to make with that plea. I'm ignoring him for now. I'll wait and see how badly he really needs to go. Sometimes it's just an excuse to go out back and sniff all over the place because the cat has gone out there. 

I've got to think about going back to bed, but of course I'm wide awake now. I will start drinking cold milk and see if it will alter my brainwaves into a different pattern. A more 'go to sleep now' pattern. Sometimes it works. Milk seems to have that effect on me. It's nice if certain beverages alter your brain chemically. You don't have to rely on pills. 

Have a good night all of you.

Ciao,

Nora

No, not writing that...

In order not to write down any nonsense, I'll have to severely censor myself. I sometimes have no business writing a post and when I do, I have to edit it better and leave out half of what I put down because it is sheer poppycock. Having established that, I will now very carefully try to write a halfway decent post that's not full of malarkey.

It's late at night and I'm sitting here in my pajamas with my cup of coffee and my cigarette. I really need to check if my bathrobe is dry after I had washed it because I'm a little bit chilled. I will do that shortly after I have finished this cup of coffee. It's the little comforts that make life worth living and a warm bathrobe is one of them. It's good not to take that for granted. 

I am now having a long moment of sheer contentment and happiness for no apparent reason at all, except that all is well with the world. All is well with my world. All the ingredients are in place to make it so and I do feel that I have to mention it. I feel a total absence of stress and anxiety and can only count myself lucky for what I feel instead and I appreciate the contentment even more than the happiness. 

In the meantime, I've put on my bathrobe and it smells of washing powder and is warm and comfortable. It envelops me completely and reaches down to my ankles. What more could I ask for? 

The dog is gently snoring on the sofa and it sounds very cozy. He was trimmed yesterday and is only a shadow of his former self. He does look awfully cute and his eyes look twice as big in his new short haired appearance. He hasn't shivered yet and doesn't seem bothered by the loss of all his fur. Hopefully, it will not get too cold for a while and he will get the chance to grow back some of it before winter comes. I will not have him trimmed again now until early springtime. 

My appointment with my new therapist went well, although I didn't have much to talk about. I think I need to be a little more forthcoming. I will be as I get more comfortable with her. She's a very kind woman and I have no reason not to trust her, but it will take me a while to get used to her. I will slowly let her in on my life. Little by little. 

The Exfactor and I did the groceries yesterday and that was a huge success. I had made a list of things I wanted to get and it was quite different than it had been in the past because I'm changing my diet so drastically. That's why I had to go to the store myself, to see what was available for me to eat. I basically had to stock up on some things and get fresh fruit. 

I got some very good plums, one to eat every day because that's all I can handle with my gastric band. At least, if I do want to eat other food too. I had a small dish of Mexican rice for lunch and a beef patty cooked in butter for dinner. That was delicious, but I still feel full now, hours later. 

Today will be a fairly quiet day as Thursdays usually are. It's raining now, but the weather should improve during the day. I only have a few chores to do, but if the weather allows it, I will take the dog for a long walk.

I'm going to bed now to lie under the warm duvet. I hope you'll all have a good night. 

Ciao,

Nora

As you were...

It's late at night and I'm sitting here slightly drowsy, but not enough to go to sleep. Actually, I may be too agitated to go to sleep and I may want to enjoy the quiet hours of the night more than lying in bed. I have also been known to have a stubborn streak, because I did lie in bed for about an hour and decided to get up again because I was bored and not patient enough to wait for sleep.

There's nothing worse than lying in bed and staring at the ceiling while you can't fall asleep. I was not serene enough to keep lying there. I petted Tyke to pass the time, but that was boring after a while too. There's only so much attention you can give to a dog before you grow tired of it and want to do something else. I decided to get up and pass the time behind the computer until I was good and tired. 

I watched some entertaining television and went to bed late thinking that would do the job of putting me to sleep soon. Apparently this did not work. I had my head full of impressions and it would have been better if I had sat quietly in my armchair and had read my book. I must remember that for the next time. Television can be a great agitator and it takes a while to get over it. You really need some peace and quiet after you've watched it. 

I passed the time very quietly today and did nothing out of the ordinary. I walked Tyke three times and would have walked him more often, but we ran out of time and daylight. I did walk him after dinner when it was already dark, but that's the latest I take him out and I stick to the most familiar streets. I'm not very brave at night. The later it gets, the less brave I am.

I hardly had any chores to do today and I didn't really go looking for them. I figured that it was Sunday and that I didn't really need to do any. I did the little bit that was necessary and called it quits. I spent some time taking a nap that I had not planned on. It took me by surprise as I thought I had gotten enough sleep the night before. I never know when my unpredictable mind needs more of it. 

I was supposed to have gone to see my sister today, but I never did get around to that, so I had to call and cancel. That's the first time I've done that. I wasn't really looking forward to riding my bike over there with my bum knee and the nap got in the way. I think I was forgiven. There will be another day to go over there. I was feeling very much like hibernating today and not coming out of my cave too much. That's typical for a Sunday, especially if it's a dreary one like it was today.

I do feel like I wasted a large portion of the day doing nothing much of anything, but I'm not going to feel bad about it. I did watch one political program and I do feel that I got better informed because of it, so my mind was fed a little bit. I would watch more of them, but on Sundays it's mostly sports that are on during the day. I am getting quite informed about them. I can even stand the post-discussions about the various football games, as long as they have intelligent people doing them. I don't like a lot of hype and excitement. 

For a single, middle aged woman, I watch a lot of football. I don't know if I would watch as much football if I were attached to a man person. I enjoy watching it on my own and providing my own commentary about the different plays and penalties and discussions about schwalbes. I haven't picked a team that I'm especially a fan of, though I seem to root for the underdog a lot. I also don't have a favorite player yet. I will be following what the national team is doing closely. 

I have to mentally prepare myself for tomorrow when the personal helper and the domestic help will be here. They will help me pass the time of day, so that will be good. They're good for a diversion. My personal helper is good to talk to and we usually find some subjects to discuss. I do lose a bit of my privacy, but that's a small price to pay for the company and a clean apartment. The domestic help always stays and talks too. She tells me about her boys and I always have tears of laughter when she tells me about their shenanigans. They are quite a handful. 

I will end this post because it's gotten quite long enough. I can sit here and ramble on all night long, but there comes a time to stop. I'm not quite sleepy enough yet to go to bed, so I'll have to amuse myself a while longer. No doubt I'll find a way.

Sleep tight and have a good morning.

Ciao,

Nora

I hear you...

I can hear you all say it now, "It's past midnight and you ought to be in bed and you write way to many blog posts and we can't keep up with you!" Well, tough! I'm staying up past midnight and I'm going to write another blog post whether you like it or not. I'm a selfish woman and completely self centered in everything I do. I only care about what I do and want to do and I don't take any account of your feelings and opportunities of time and convenience to read these posts, and no, you don't have to read them all anyway.

I've taken the liberty to not only change my name (which I did some time ago), but also to change my appearance and you will now see that I'm a dark haired, beautiful, early twenty something. Isn't it nice how we can reincarnate ourselves like that? It's actually very easy, since I seem to exist on the Internet more than I do in real life, I can easily have a different name and a different exterior and both that are to my liking. I'm undergoing a complete metamorphosis and encapsulating the essence of me in a new and better package.

I have also changed the two little collages on the right hand side in my sidebar. Whenever I have the time or inclination, I will be doing this, although I don't know yet how often this will be. I make the collages for free over at Picnik, which is a site where you can do a number of photo manipulations for free, though they really want you to buy the premium package. Get Gimp, people. It is free and lets you do all sorts of things like in Photoshop. It's true, I don't understand a lot of it either, but the part I do understand is fun. It does a great job with one step automatic photo correction, for example.

It will be a shock when I look in the mirror in a while and not see that dark haired beauty named Nora Ibsen, but just plain old me. Don't get me wrong, plain old me is fine. I can live with her every day, But it's fun to pretend to be someone else. An undercover blogger who nobody really knows. I just have to keep the facts straight and not start to make up stories. I promise I won't do that. Reality is interesting enough as it is. There's no need to embellish anything.

I'm starting to yawn and I guess that's the signal to end this post. It's time to go to bed and hopefully sleep for a long time.

I hope you're all having a nice night.

Ciao,
Nora

Almost time to go to bed.

I have little moments that I cave in and I'm so tired that I could fall asleep in my desk chair, but a while later it clears up and I'm fit as a fiddle again. I'm finding it very difficult to walk away from the computer and keep looking for excuses to sit here and play with it a little while longer and there's always something I can do, even if it just means changing the wallpaper on my flat screen and looking to see how much space I have on my hard drive. I've run AdAware and CCleaner and got rid of a bunch of stuff that took up needless space, so that made me feel better. And so I sit here and do all sorts of little things that amount to not very much, but it keeps me happy. Tomorrow I have to be normal again. It's a rule that I have made up. On the weekend I'm allowed to be this obsessed with the computer, but tomorrow I have to be back to normal. And I do need to get a good night's sleep. At least what is a good night's sleep for me and as far as Tyke will allow it with his antics.

I feel like I've been in the Twilight Zone this weekend and unreachable for the world around me, although the world was not aware of that, because nobody reached out and touched me and I did walk the dog when it was time to. The poor animal didn't suffer too much neglect, except that I didn't cuddle him very much, stuck as I was behind the keyboard. I think my obsession is coming to an end now and I hope I don't become obsessed like this with anything else for a while, because I don't think it is healthy, athough many of you have told me that you are the same way when you have a new toy.

All I have left to do is install the programs for my digital camera and the printer and I'll let the Exfactor do that tomorrow. Those will be good jobs for him to do and I can take a step back and relax about it. I will not be so overly involved with my nose on top of things. That's how I imagine it anyway. I'm ready for a more hands off approach. It's really funny how you disappear into a project and lose track of everything around you just about and you don't focus on anything else but that.

It wll be wonderful to go to bed in a little while and try to read my book and hopefully fall asleep quickly and soundly and sleep at least for a couple of hours without interruption. I will take as many of Tyke's toys to the bedroom with me, so he won't be bored in the middle of the night. He does have a way of looking for mischief around 2 o'clock in the morning. If he can keep himself occupied, I will sleep through it. Unless he starts molesting Gandhi.

I think I will have a glass of hot milk. I don't have any honey, but I don't think that's necessarily an ingredient needed to fall asleep with. I would have some Bailey's Irish Cream, but I'm all out of that and I'm not about to go out an buy a bottle of it. I'd rather receive that as a gift on a special occasion and I may have to drop some heavy hints here and there. Isn't there a holiday coming up that would be cause for it? Isn't there a saint named Irene? I'm not a catholic, but I'm willing to ignore such minor details in exchange for a bottle of that good stuff. With my luck, though, I'd become addicted to it and have to go to AlAnon and do a 12 step program.

It would be nice to smoke a joint right now and become totally mellow, because I always sleep so well when I do amd wake up completely refreshed. I don't want you to get the idea that I do that a lot. As a matter of fact, it's been a few years, but sometimes I dream that I do, so I guess I have a hunkering for it. I only need to take a few drags for it to take effect and I feel great. The only problem is that I get the munchies and want to eat anything and everything and that is kind of hard when you have a gastric band. But one of these days I'm going to smoke a joint again in the company of someone I trust and get very relaxed. It's the nicest feeling I know. It's better than getting tipsy. I heartily recommend it. It's too bad the coffee shop two streets over closed. Now I would have to go all the way downtown.

All this talk about alcohol and drugs make me sound like a junkie. And I have my own official drugs that I'm trying to get off of. I'm doing really well on my reduced dose of antipsychotics. I notice no ill effects, unless being obsessed with my computer is an ill effect, but like I said, I think I'm over it by now. I'm actually feeling very calm now and completely back to normal, whatever normal is. I just wish I felt a little bit more sleepy than I do, because I seem to have gotten my second wind. I must not give into that and proceed with my nighttime ritual as if I'm very tired and ready to go to sleep. Once I have my pajamas on and I'm in bed things will change and I will realize how tired I am.

I do have a backache from sitting in this chair behind the computer all day. It's right in the middle of my nack where that weak spot is. Right where my back is crooked. I would like to wear a corset to straighten out my back so it would never hurt again and I would have the correct posture, but I suppose I'm too old for that. I'm beyond repair. It would help, of course, if I paid attention to how I sat in the chair and didn't slump like I've a tendency to do. Perhaps it would help if I put a pillow behind my back to force me to sit straighter. I will try that tomorrow when I won't be sitting here all day. I think it might be interesting to take an X-ray of that spot in my back and see how my discs are lined up there. At least I'm never kealed over to the left anymore. That problem seemed to have resolved itself and I think a lot of that had to do with my emotional state of being.

It seems to be impossible to stop writing. I want to bring this to an end, but am reluctant to and keep thinking of things to write about. I am postponing bedtime because I'm afraid that I will lie awake and will not be able to go to sleep. I'm also undecided if I should sleep in my bed or on the sofa with the TV turned down low, which also seems to work well and keeps Tyke happy. I think I'm not so very fond of sleeping in my bed, for whatever reason. On the sofa it has a less official character and it doesn't seem as if I'm down for the count and have to put in a long night that I can't make come true. I always wake up and am bothered by the claustrophobic feel of my bedroom, even though I sleep with the door open. I would like for the sofa to be a bit more comfortable and I suppose that this will be the criteria for my next one. How comfortable does it sleep? It has to be a wide sofa to lie on comfortably.

When I was a little kid, and I was sick, my mother made a bed for me out of the Morris chair. Of course I was little then and fit on it and it was very cozy and right by the stove to keep me warm. I thought that was the best thing about being sick. The back of the chair folded down completely and I could lie down flat with pillows under my head. She put a sheet over the cushions and a blanket over me and I felt like a princess. I have something like a Morris chair myself now and it is my favorite chair in the apartment. It folds down completely too, though I'm too big to lie down on it. I bought it at Ikea and the minute I saw it I knew I had to have it. Nostalgia.

I'm starting to yawm. That's always a good sign. Pretty soon a certain kind of weariness should fall over me. I think I will go put on my pajamas now and take my medicines. Then I will have my glass of hot milk. There may only be repeats of the news on TV and text television, but that's okay. I don't need anything exciting. I'm curious to see how long I will sleep. I'm hoping for at least 4 hours. That would be nice. Luckily, there's always the computer.

Have a good night, you all.

Ciao,
Nora

Waking up!

I suppose when it really comes down to it, I don't so much write for the sake of you as I write for the sake of myself. I mean that I have a compulsion to write at certain times of the day even when I don't have anything noteworthy to report. I just need to sit here and tell a story and I don't know if I tell you the story or if I tell myself it. I guess it is a letter to myself to remind me of what I have done and thought and mused over and observed, yet if that were completely true I might as well write it in a notebook and not make it public, so obviously I need an audience and feedback. I write an ego document that I want to make known. But I'll try to write as if I'm the only witness to it, though I doubt very much if that is possible. Even Anne Frank wrote to an imaginary friend she called 'Dear Kitty.'

I'll set the scene. I'm sitting here in my very warm, red bathrobe by the desk lamp with my cup of coffee and the inevitable cigarette. My feet are still bare, but soon I will get my slippers on, because my feet will get cold and my toes will feel like ice cubes. The dog is asleep on his blanket, but has been over here to be petted several times. He wags his stubby tail and gives me a mournful look that means, "Don't neglect me."

Outside there is still a little bit of snow, but not very much. Only in the places where the sunshine doesn't reach during the day are there a couple of centimeters. It is 0C outside and it's supposed to be snowing now, but I see no evidence of it. Oh yes, I just had a better look and it is snowing indeed. It's supposed to do that the rest of the day also if I'm supposed to believe the weather forecast on my browser.

I didn't fall asleep until almost midnight. For some reason I went to bed late and read for a long time. I also ate Pringle's Onion and Cheese potato chips. Those were very nice, but made me very thirsty. They must be very salty and I probably had a week's worth of sodium last night. I don't recommend anyone doing this before they go to bed. It's a foolish thing to do. I shouldn't even buy them, but sometimes it is hard to withstand them when you're in the supermarket and you see them there so invitingly on the shelf. I shouldn't go down that aisle anymore. It's actually easy to avoid. I have no business being there.

I can't go back to sleep this morning, because I have to go to the tobacconist and he is only open in the mornings on Mondays. In a little while I have to take my medicines and when I'm done writing this I'll take the dog for his walk. Maybe I'll lie down on the sofa after I've gotten my tobacco. In the afternoon I have to go see my GP for the results of the blood tests and I have been trying to figure out all weekend what he wants to talk to me about that he couldn't discuss over the telephone. It's a mystery to me. I suppose it's normal for me to say that I'm just a little bit worried.

Well, that's all the sharing I have to do this morning. It's not very deep, but I'm not in the mood for an intellectual post today. I have other things on my mind. I'm preoccupied.

Have a nice day!

Ciao.

Staying up late...

Like I've said before, I have to take advantage of the times in my circadian cycle when I feel best and perform then, and be awake and enjoy myself and and not look at the clock and do what it tells me to do or what I think I ought to do. There is no ought to, there is only this minute and this moment on which I feel good and when I don't want to do anything else than what I am doing. Namely sit here by the light of my desk lamp with a cup of coffee and a cigarette and write my thoughts down, whatever they amount to. Soon enough I will get tired and find my way to the bedroom. There's no amount of built in guilt that's going to make me feel different about that. I hear a chorus of warning voices, but it's just an echo that has been repeated many times over and I'm becoming deaf to it. I'm listening to my own voice now, stubborn and foolhardy as I am. I've got my own survival mode and it's working. I know more happy moments now than I do in any other way. I'm glad I've got it all figured out. There's a method to my madness.

Quite coincidentally two separate people asked me about the same author. Both Angie and Connie Rose asked me if I had read anything by Diana Gabaldon. I had never heard of this author and looked her up on Bol.com and found out that she had written a whole series of books of which the 'Outlander' is the first one. It seems to be worth a try, especially when two people recommend her on the same day. Babaloo also recommended a book by John Irving called 'Until I Find You.' She says it's another one of John Irving's really good books, so I added that one to my list of books to get. So you see how this discussion about books leads to recommendations of other books and that is exactly what I want to happen. Please feel free to recommend a book if you've read a good one. I'll be happy to look it up if I haven't read it yet, or mention it here if I have. This can slowly turn into a book blog if I read fast enough. or if you people come with enough recommendations.

I cleaned up the apartment the French way, as we say here in the Netherlands. That means I got rid of everything that could be put in the trash and slightly organized things that were unorganized. It doesn't mean that I did any real cleaning. I closed my eyes to that and I wished for a better day to come along when I'll be struck by the cleaning genie. I know it will happen, it's just a matter of having patience. The chaos is under control and I know exactly what I have to do to set it right.

Except for an individual patch here and there, the snow and ice are all gone. I can see the streets and the sidewalks again and not be in danger of breaking my neck when I walk the dog. It is such a relief. The temperatures are good right now and it's not going to be freezing anymore, so hurray! It's darn near balmy now when I go outside. I don't have to wear my snow hat or my gloves and it feels like it is going to be springtime. What an optimist I am. It's still January, anything can happen. It's so nice to be liberated from that snow and ice. It was a real bother. It suddenly disappeared very quickly. I hope that's all the winter we're going to have for this season, but we're not out of the woods yet. We still have to get through February and March and they are unpredictable months.

I did make it through the bad weather without falling down once, though, although all the while I had visions of myself with a broken leg in a cast and no way to walk the dog and all the problems that would bring. I also worried about the dog slipping and hurting himself because of his osteoarthritis, but he did real well. He was pretty steady on his feet. He slipped a little now and then, but he didn't hurt himself. That's the advantage of walking on all fours.

I think I need to go to bed now. It's late enough and I am going to be up soon enough again. It will be nice to get my pajamas on and to get something to eat and have a glass of juice to drink. The dog is already sleeping on his pillow in the bedroom. I think that's where the cats are too.

Have a good night. Sleep tight. It is 5C here.

Ciao,
Nora

It's too early to go to bed.

Well, you all know that I slept well last night, don't you? I mean, I was up for a little while, but I went back to bed and slept until a decent hour and I did go to sleep early the night before. But guess what happened today? I napped and napped and wasted the whole day on the sofa. This tiredness just takes me by surprise and before I know it, I'm asleep again. I get over it at the end of the day and get my energy back at around 5 pm. That's when I come back to life, just as it is getting dark outside and I have to walk the dog. I'm fine the rest of the evening and am not the least bit sleepy until I go to bed, because I look forward to the coziness of it, but tonight I'm not looking forward to going to bed, because last night was such a struggle with those night sweats and the pain in my arm. I don't have good associations with going to bed now and I'm postponing it.

I guess I slept long enough, but not pleasant enough. The night sweats are the most uncomfortable thing, though. They really wake me up and I have to get out of bed and cool off. I'm really starting to dislike my bed. I'm going to stay up late tonight and sleep on the sofa and see if I have the same problem when I sleep there. I'm going to take the back cushions off the sofa and make more room for myself to lie down. I've been having these night sweats since last summer and I thought it was because of the heat, but I guess I was wrong and as far as I know, I am not in the menopause anymore, so that's not it either.

For some strange reason, my regular telephone has started working again without me changing the batteries. I haven't done a thing to it but take the batteries out and put them back in and unplug the cable and plug it back in again. It's a mystery to me. That leaves me undecided if I should keep it or not. First I need to find out how much of my all in one package are telephone costs. I'll have to call about that and be put on hold forever and have to listen to inane music while the call is costing me money. That ticks me off, but that's how it's done nowadays. I'm sure it's the same in your country. Whoever decided on that policy is a rip off artist. Some calls cost as much as 45 cents a minute. But anyway, my phone is working again and at least I didn't go out and buy a new one, though if I do keep my regular phone, I still may go out and buy a new one, because I'm not very fond of this one, as it has such a shape, that I cut people off with my cheekbone and I don't have especially pointy cheekbones.

My dog has decided it is bedtime and has gone to sleep on his pillow in the bedroom and that is where the cats are too. So you see, they do have their habits and they aren't always dependent on what I do.

I walked the dog at 9:30 tonight and all the slush had frozen over again and it was very slippery out there. I'm amazed by the fact that I have not slipped and fallen yet, because last year I fell three times. I'm being very careful, though, and I'm wearing different boots that may make a difference. These may have a little bit more grip. I worry about breaking a bone and lying there helplessly with the dog. He's not a St Bernard, after all. Or Lassie who will run and get help.

I have no interest in my household. I do the barest of necessities and wait for the moment when things are just about to get out of hand, so that I will very quickly get them back under control again only to return to my previous indifference. That's the state of affairs. It's no way to run a place, but that's the way I'm getting by right now. I dump things in the trash and rinse out dishes and empty ashtrays and pick things up and move them, but that's about it. I don't really feel depressed, but I feel physically tired all the time and not up to expending the energy. I thought I would feel better now that I'm taking the vitamin pills every day, but I'm not. I marvel at my sister who gets so much done in one day's time. I used to be like that too.

The dog missed me and has come to lie down beside me on the area rug, which is not the most comfortable place to sleep. He's such a loyal dog. At least I've got him, even if I've got nobody else.

Well, it's late enough now. I'm going to get my pajamas on and have something to eat and take my medicines. Then I'll make myself cozy on the sofa with my book. I am looking forward to that. I hope I have a good night's sleep and that I will feel fantastic in the morning. I'm going to try and sleep all through the night. With a little bit of luck I should make it.

Sleep tight, everyone!

Ciao,
Nora

So early in the morning, tra la la...

I'm sitting here with my bathrobe and my slippers on being cold and it isn't really cold in here at all, it is just the suggestion of cold, because it is so cold and snowy outside. It's -6C and snowing and I just let Jesker out back for a piddle and it was freezing! Well, of course, it's -6C.

I haven't had enough sleep yet and shortly I will go back to bed, but I had to get up for a while and have some coffee and my cigarettes and sit here very cozily behind the computer, as is my habit in the morning. I went to bed late last night, because I wasn't paying attention to what time it was and it got away from me and before I knew it, it was late and past my bedtime. I like to be in bed by 10 o'clock at the latest, but it was well after 11 before I got under the covers last night. Then I woke up at 4:30 this morning and thought I was done sleeping. Well, I'm not, obviously, but I am going to take my medicines and have some breakfast first and then get back under the duvet. I'm looking forward to that already.

I got my card swap package all ready to go. I've put together quite a package of cards and papers, both old and new. I have a whole collection of old postcards that I could chose from and I picked out the prettiest ones. I also put in new cards and pretty papers to use for collages. This is the first time I have participated in a swap, so it is a whole new terrain for me and I have to figure out how to best do it. I'll see when I get my package how it's best done. I'm very curious to see what will be in it.

I think today I will get the photo agendas. I'm kind of counting on it. If I get them on time, I may be able to walk to the post office, if not, I will have to wait until next week. I have found out that walking somewhere is easier than riding my bike. I feel less vulnerable. I suppose that I feel like less of a target. There was a time when I used to walk into downtown several times a week. Maybe I will be able to do that again. I would take the bus, but it's too expensive. I could take the bus part of the way there and then walk the rest of the way. I'll see. Walking would be good for me.

I've gotten three mooched books in the mail in the past two days and have to find room for them on the bookcase. They are so nice looking and come from very caring owners. The kind that don't break the spine of a book. Toby has gotten in the habit of sleeping in the bottom cubicle of the bookcase behind a row of books. I keep empty envelopes there and he likes to sleep on top of them with the result that he knocks the books over. I will have to pack them in so tightly that he won't be able to do that anymore. Ha, there's a method to my madness. I like to pack the books in tightly, so they will stay in place, right on the edge and I won't have to dust there. Believe me, I always have a lot of dust and less than enough interest in dusting. Sometimes I get very industrious and move all the books and clean the whole bookcase, but that only happens a few times a year.

Well, now I have to take my medicines and eat breakfast and go back to bed for a few more hours sleep. I feel in my bones that I need to do that. I will be full of happiness when I wake up again.

Have a good morning.

Ciao,
Nora

Thursday after much sleep...

I slept more than 8 hours last night, so there goes my nightlife. No getting up in the middle of the night and having adventures and cleaning house. No, no, I slept just like a regular person does. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think it's kind of boring, actually, but I'm sure it's very beneficial to my health.

I got up early enough to answer emails and have a relaxed cup of coffee before my sister came to pick me up to go grocery shopping. Oh yes, and to walk the poor dog, of course. It had snowed again, so it was much less slippery out and it was a pleasure to walk in the new snow and very picturesque. More snow is expected today and tomorrow too.

My sister and I drove into an almost empty parking lot when we got to the store. That meant some leisurely shopping could be done. You know what that means, don't you? That means you linger a bit and buy things you normally would not buy. Ah, but the damage was not to great after I had put all my groceries away and paid the bill.

After I came home and had given the cats their special treat that I had bought for them, and which they attacked with gusto, I ate my breakfast and went back to bed to sleep a few more hours. That felt very good.

You see how I'm back to needing extra sleep again. That one night of little sleep was just a blip on the radar. A minor hypomanic attack. I did get me out of my depression however and I feel ever so much better and not at all as downtrodden as I did a few days ago. I can actually say that I feel good now. I don't know if that has to do with my circumstances or with the chemicals in my head. Either way, I'm not falling off the earth anymore.

The Exfactor was here just a while ago and we had a minor political discussion about our prime minister and our minister of finance. The conclusion was that we didn't care for either one of them and then we discussed political parties and it turned out that we're both going to join the same one, except that The Exfactor still has to quit his current one, while I have already done that, although mine refused to believe it and kept sending me propaganda material. I think they have gotten the message now, though, and I haven't received anything for about a month or two.

And so it goes in my life, from high to low to in between. I guess I like the highs the best, although the in betweens are okay too. They're just not as exciting and I do like a little excitement in my life. If it doesn't happen naturally, I have to make it happen, but I can't think of any trouble I can get into safely at the moment. Financially I can think of all sorts of things, but I don't think that would be wise and I do have some common sense about me still.

I got word that the photo diaries have been sent to me already, so I'll be expecting them in the mail soon. Actually, they are agendas, I guess that's the proper word for them. I can't wait to see them. I hope they turned out as nice as I think they would. I took great care in choosing the photos, so I hope it is a success. If so, I'm going to do it again for next year, but then a little bit earlier. I waited too long to have these made.

I have to go and put my card swap package together. I bought some interesting cards and have lots of good cards here at home, so wish me luck.

Ciao,
Nora

Late in the evening.

Isn't that always the best time to write? When you maybe ought to go to bed, but you're sitting so very cozily behind the computer with just a few lights burning and the dog snoring gently beside you and the cat crunching her kibbles in the kitchen? I actually turned on the heater today, but it ran for only a little while and then the apartment was warm and stayed warm. It's been a steady 20C all evening and the heater has not gone on again. Thank goodness for good insulation. I think I'll keep it at this temperature and be nice and comfortable, because before I turned the heater on, it was cold and just too chilly to feel good. I am wearing a scarf around my neck for extra comfort and that always feels nice. There's nothing better than having your upper parts heated.

I haven't even changed into my pajamas and bathrobe yet and am still wearing my clothes and boots, the ones that are so comfortable. I'm wearing a cardigan that I had not worn for a long time, because I had forgotten about it in my overfull closet, but I chanced upon it today while digging through my clothes. Then I thought, "Hey, that's something I can wear, and what does it look like and how many buttons does it have?" It forgot what it looks like on me and it's like trying on something new. I really need to do a major closet clean up, but I have to be in the proper mood for that and decide which clothes I still want to wear. That means trying on some of them too. That's just too much work tight now. So, instead I dig and hope to come up with something good.

I received another two books today and the third section of my book case is becoming filled up. Just this past week I received seven books. I have to buy some brown wrapping paper and some more scotch tape. I hope to be able to buy that at that cheap store that carries everything under the sun. I will have to go over there this weekend and see if they have that. Then I can get my books ready for the next shipment. I had added a lot of new books to my inventory and got a lot of requests, which also led to me being able to mooch a lot of books myself. Some I am especially pleased about, because they were hard to get. It's always nice if you get an affirmative answer to a request for a mooch.

The on line store has straightened out my account and separated it from the Exfactor's. I now have my own account, which is a relief, because I do like the convenience of shopping on line and I know the brand of clothes and the size that I am there, so I can buy things without worrying about that. I can even buy bras and panties without any problems. The quality is good too and the clothes don't fall apart in the laundry. It will be a real pleasure to shop there. That is after I clean up my closet to see what is there and what needs to go. That reminds me that I have a green denim skirt that I need to alter and I should try to do that this week, because it's a job I have been putting off forever. Time to get the sewing machine out. I must do these things and not only think about them and then forget about them until I run into them again.

I tried to do something sensible with my hair, but I seem to have lost the touch and I could only make it look halfway decent and that with the help of a lot of hairspray. Sometimes my hair just won't do what I want it to, or I seem to have forgotten how to achieve it. I feel like I need to start over from scratch and begin at the very beginning again, with the wax and the styling gel and the hairspray. Short hair can be a lot of work if you want it in a certain style.Of course, the face underneath it isn't what it used to be either, so it's an uphill battle. I wish I could style my face in the morning and smooth all the imperfections out of it. Though there are creams and lotions that claim they can, and I'll sell you the Brooklyn bridge and the Golden Gate bridge too.

It's really ridiculous how much women worry about the aging process and wanting to stay eternally young looking and how they try to achieve that with lotions and potions and make up, when all we should do is use a good product to clean our faces with and a good moisturizer. I do all those things myself to try and look as attractive as I can and pull everything I've got out of my make up bag, when all I really want is a soft, clean face. I should be brave enough to face the world with it and not worry about how attractive I am and how young looking. Often enough I catch sight of myself in the mirror and I see my made up self and am not happy with it at all. I see a painted face on a middle aged woman and I think all I need is some mascara and a touch of lipstick. It's the fear of not looking good enough anymore that drives me, but I should know better. I think I'm going to change my tactics and go for the wholesome look. I wonder if I might not be a lot happier that way.

Some nights my eyes get tired and when I sit behind the computer, I have difficulty seeing the finer print and I have to put my reading glasses on.On other nights I don't have this problem at all and I can read everything just fine. I do notice a terrific difference when I take off my glasses. My right eye loses its focus and goes terribly wacky on me and I can't look at anything that's the least bit far away. That's how much it's gotten used to the glasses and how much of a correction there is. I can't imagine now not wearing them and I realize that the pain in my eyes I was having, and the slight headaches, were because I was not wearing my glasses. I've been completely cured of them. Vanity is a bad business, as I already discussed. I'm too hung up on looks and not enough on character and personality, because I think that everyone will judge a book by its cover and not look past that. God forbid they should find out I have no personality!

Well, I know that's not true, because I definitely do have one, although it is a silent one and maybe not so easy to get to know. I guess I worry about that, because I don't sparkle and shine when people meet me. I'm not all out there, but I'm kind and that goes a long way.

Okay, I've rambled on long enough. I'm in danger of having lost your attention already. I could sit here all night and write about the most insignificant things, but I do have to go to bed.

I hope you're all sleeping tight and those of you who are not, I hope you are enjoying your day.

Goodnight and see you tomorrow.

Ciao,
Nora

Where I ought to be...

It's late at night and I ought to be in bed, but it is so cozy here right now that I'm reluctant to go and climb under the duvet. Instead I will make myself some decaf and think of things to write about.

Jesker just had his second meal of the day, which he had to remind me of. I thought he would forget in my effort to make him lose a little bit of weight, but no way, he stood there barking at me and his dish and then at the can until I got my act together and set the filled dish down in front of him. He is now snoring contently on his blanket and he will be out of it until the morning.

The cats are reluctantly eating their kibbles that they liked so much at first. Cats are very frustrating animals. Their tastes change constantly and what they like one week, they dislike the next. I always feel I have to reinvent the wheel when it comes to their food and keep picking out just the right one. I should just stubbornly stick with one food and let them eat that one or else...it's up to them, but I'm a softy and fall for all the promises made on the bags of kibbles in the supermarket. New, improved, better tasting, full of meat, full of fish! They see me coming from a mile away. There's a sucker born every minute.

I cleaned the doors and they now are amazingly free of that grimy sheen that was on them. I only have two doors left to do and then the woodwork. That will be divided up into other three chore jobs. I have a bad shoulder, so repetitively scrubbing doors gets painful after a while and I'm not that good left handed. Three doors are just enough to handle. Then I have to wash the window panes above the doors and I also noticed more cobwebs, so I have to get the vacuum cleaner out and eradicate them. I will do that on Thursday. The Big Cleaning Day!

I have this attitude right now that I will not be defeated by the continual dirt in the apartment and that I will get on top of it. I have taken it on as a personal challenge and while I'm cleaning, I notice all the things that have been left undone for a long time, but with my new system I will get them done and keep them done, come hell or high water.

Jesker comes and investigates to see what I'm doing. He watches me with a very interested look on his face, but doesn't like me to close the door on him when I have to clean the other side. He is used to all the doors being open. He is also very alert when the kitchen window and the back door are open and constantly thinks he hears things that he has to bark at. I don't correct him, because I want him to be alert, and I praise him every time he barks at some real or imagined noise. I want him to be my guard dog and scare people away.

The cats sit in the open kitchen window and observe the street. They have found out that it is not their territory, that other cats rule there, and they stick close to the window, to my great relief. Sometimes they come running inside very quickly, because they think they've seen something scary, but then they very carefully go back out again. They are very curious.

So you see that my life would not be half as interesting without the animals, although they cause more than half the work in the apartment. It's amazing how dirty a dog makes the place, but I wouldn't want to have it any other way. They are my constant source of humor and love.

Tomorrow I'm going to be busy. I have creative therapy until 3 pm and then I have to do groceries and go see my SPN and go by the pharmacy on the way home. I don't know if I'll get to do three chores, probably not. That will be my day off then. Or it will be a one chore day. Oh wait, the groceries and the pharmacy are two chores, so I only need to do one thing. Aha!

Now I'm going to bed, because it's very late and I have to be somewhat sensible.

Sleep tight, all you people, some of you who are already in your bed.

Ciao...

Released.

It's late at night, but I don't yet feel like going to bed at all. It's very cozy here right now. The cats are hanging around and Jesker is rolling around on the floor pretending he's a puppy, which he sometimes does in his old age. He just woke up from a long nap and wanted some attention and something to eat, which I have just given him.

I've spent the evening reading blogs and commenting on them and answering emails. I keeps me busy and off the street where a well brought up woman like me has no business hanging around. Could you see me now, hanging out on street corners, decked out in my finest, trying to drum up business? The idea alone gives me the shivers.

Besides, I'm too much of a homebody to be out at night. I need to know that my bed is within a short walking distance in case I'm suddenly attacked by sleep, which can happen in a moment without much notice. Since I've exchanged bedrooms, my bed is even more appealing than the sofa ever was and the cats feel the same way, because I regularly share the bed with at least one of them. Gandhi wins that battle most often, causing Toby to feel left out and moping on the kitchen counter.

I don't care if they want to sleep on the bed, as long as I get to stretch out completely and I don't have to sleep in some convoluted way that's uncomfortable and makes me wake up with sore legs. I am not in the least bit nice about sharing the space if they get in the way and I take up all the room I want. They have to accommodate me. I'm so glad the dog doesn't sleep on the bed. We would have major issues about the space.

Oh yes, this morning I weighed 93.1 kilos, so I'm coming up on 7 kilos lost. Just a little bit more.

At creative therapy this morning, I ate 5 pieces of nougat that were sitting in a dish right in the middle of the table waiting for me to have some. Well really, what did you expect me to do? And yesterday I ate 5 chocolates or maybe 6, I lost count. Those sort of things fill me up for quite a long time and it takes a while before I'm hungry again. I never say no to anything sweet. I'm not that kind of dieter. I'm an opportunistic sweets eater. I never say no to cookies either. That´s why I´m the Cookie Monster.


Sometimes I have to take my regular glasses off behind the computer and put on my reading glasses and then I get up forgetting that I´m wearing those, because in my head I´m just registering that I´m wearing glasses. It doesn´t dawn on me that my vision is impaired for distance and I start to take the dog out wearing my reading glasses and I´m already out the door before I realize it. I just shove them to the top of my head and continue on instead of going back in to get my proper glasses, but it´s mighty confusing, because they somewhat look alike too. I swear I have the makings in me to be an absent minded professor, except that I don´t have the qualifications to be one.

Now, every time I go out the door, I look at something far away to make sure I have the right glasses on and even then I doubt my own judgment. I get so confused.

How many people second guess themselves about something when they go out and wonder if they´ve forgotten to put on an article of clothing? Suddenly you feel under dressed somewhere and you are convinced that something is missing and a slight panic attacks you until you´ve checked yourself and realize that everything is there.

Well, I suppose I ought to go to bed now, sensibility tells me I ought to, because I do have to get up at 7 am tomorrow morning. Not that I am in the least bit interested, but I guess everybody has a voice of reason inside of them that shouts at you when you´re trying to get away with something, although I am doing my best to ignore it. I would much rather stay up and do ten other things instead, because I´m past the point of needing to go to sleep.

It´s really a damn shame that I have such a well developed sense of responsibility. Or should I call it duty. I could do with a little less of it and not be so damn obedient all the time. A little bit of rebelliousness wouldn´t be out of place. It might actually become me.

But no, I have to go and be good, because otherwise I will not be able to pull myself together into a well functioning human being in the morning and I will need forever to get my act together. There, that´s the voice of reason and I don´t want to sleep through the happy cheerful beeping of the alarm clock.

So, adieu, parting is such sweet sorrow, until we meet again...

Ciao...

Wednesday evening.

Well, here I am again. As faithful as the sunset every day. I rarely let a day go by without posting, do I? It's an ingrained habit that is hard to shed and I wouldn't very quickly give it up, unless I felt pretty bad, and I don't now. There are moments in the day that I do, but they are moments and not long periods. Little mini funks.

I hardly slept last night. After initially falling asleep on the sofa, I woke up again around midnight and stayed up until 4 AM, not realizing that I had forgotten to take my medicines until much later than usual. That was part of the problem. I was also a little bit wound up about the coming day, because I was going to ergo therapy and I had something to share there.

The alarm clock woke me up at 7 AM with much reluctance on my part, because I was trying very hard to ignore it, but it just kept on beeping and it wouldn't stop. I took my sweet old time to drink my coffee and have my cigarettes, about 45 minutes and then I had to rush to get ready. I did everything in a hurry, as far as that was possible, but I can't rush the dog when I take him out. He doesn't do his business on command, so I have to be patient.

Just as I was getting ready to leave, my very old neighbors asked me to set their digital thermostat for them, because they still have not figured out how it works and various family members come and mess around with it. This time it was turned down to 10 degrees Celsius. What are these people thinking? I showed them how it works and hope they understand it now, but I don't think so.

I got to ergo therapy on time to have a cup of espresso in the smoking room and be early morning moody with everybody else. Some days are just like that and I am not much of a talker anyway, so that doesn't stimulate things either. I should have a good joke to tell.

At ergo therapy I immediately took the opportunity to say how much it bothered me to be told that my time was going to be up without being told when and that it spoiled all my pleasure of coming there and that I would rather know a date than be left dangling in the unknown like this. The therapist tried to play the ball back into my court by asking me why that made me so insecure, but I insisted on not being told anymore that my time was running out without being told a date, because otherwise I was just going to quit.

I told her, that the next time we have an evaluation in May, with my SPN, we could discuss it and then pick an ending date if we all decided that my time was up and that was all I wanted to hear about it. Luckily, I got support from the group, none of whom wanted to be told that their time was running out.

I think I have made myself clear enough now and I realize that I am the victim of the government's cutbacks who want all people in short term treatments that are supposed to last 6 months and then whatever ails them is supposed to be cured, whether or not that is true. It's a new policy, whereas before people could take all the time they needed. Two years if they wanted to. Now, out you go into the real world, ready or not, and you can't come back until another six months have gone by, should you need to, and go on a waiting list first.

This present government is one of the worst we've had when it comes to taking the care out of care and privatizing medical institutions, amongst other things. And we're finding out that there is a lot of mismanagement and that top salaries and big bonuses are paid to people who fail at their jobs as caretakers and managers. It's a big scandal and we're only seeing the tip of the iceberg. I'm all for turning things around the way they were and as quickly as possible. Well, I don't have to tell you that. Some things don't belong in the free market. Hey, I'm a Western European socialist.

Anyway, this socialist went shopping at the yuppie supermarket this afternoon, but I shop there because it is close to my house and they have the largest variety of products. I do want choice when I shop and if I have to pay 5 cents more, I don't really care. I can't get the dog and cat food I want at the other supermarket, nor can I find the milk that I want. There are cheap supermarkets where you can shop, but I am not going to nickel and dime everything to death and ride my bike all over the place. My shopping list is too simple for that.

I have the Überhund's diet all figured out now. He gets Butcher's in the morning, which is all natural meat and in the evening he gets a small bowl of little chunks of Frolic. He likes eating them, because he enjoys chewing them. He sort of slurps them up like an elephant would slurp up a dish of water. He vacuums them out of his dish and likes them.

He is so funny when he starts to eat, because he stares at the dish and then at me and then at the dish again, as if he tries to figure out if I'm playing a joke on him. He starts to eat very nonchalantly, as if he really doesn't care, but soon his taste buds open wide and all the food disappears. It makes me very happy to see him enjoy his food. It means I bought the right stuff. Now I just need to see some weight loss.

I don't think his eye is ever going to be okay again. I am applying the ointment and it isn't getting worse, but I see no real improvement. I lifted his eye lid and had a real good look tonight and it is still red and swollen. It's like we say here, mopping the floors with the faucet turned on.

Well now, I suppose that's it for me for tonight. I am going to get comfortable and lazy and watch TV.

Have a good evening everyone. I feel sleep overtaking me.

Ciao...