At the end of the afternoon on Friday.

The dishes are soaking in hot sudsy water in the kitchen sink. I hope all the dirt soaks off so I'll hardly need to scrub them. I'm going to change the water in the sink before I wash them. It will be necessary, because it will be lukewarm by the time I get around to doing them. I do so enjoy doing the dishes if the food particles come off easily and I'm left with sparkling glasses and shiny silverware. Now, these are a week's worth of dishes, so hardly a cup or a glass is clean and I really have to do them now. I'm all for toss out cups and plates, but I think that nowadays I can't get away with that. It would be highly wasteful and ecologically unsound. But if I could get away with it, I would do it. I'm lazy enough for it.

After I got up this morning and got myself all dressed and dolled up and shiny new and ready to go, and it was just about time to get on my bike, I realized that I needed to sleep, so I undressed and crawled into bed and was asleep in no time at all and slept for three more hours. Then, when I got up, I felt good and had a cup of coffee and was ready to face the day. I was incapable of it the first time. My somberness got in the way of me, and when it does, I need to go to sleep. There's no other solution for it.

I'm so glad that I know this about myself and that I am in a position to do something about it immediately, because I have no other people depending on me. Imagine if I had children now that needed taking care of, what would I do? Or I had a job to go to? I would sit there in pure misery and have a little nervous breakdown and be unable to do my work properly. Of course, I have been in those situations in the past and have known plenty of misery when I was unable to figure out what was wrong and I was absolutely miserable and completely depressed or stressed out and unable to function. I always blamed it on my situation and not on something that was the matter with me. That was before I knew myself as well as I do now.

So anyway, I made a shopping list, because I knew the Exfactor was coming and I had a lot of groceries to get and knew he would do them for me so I would not have to take my life in my own hands by trying to bring them all home on my bicycle. No matter how long I live in this country, I will not become a natural bicyclist. I am, in my heart, a car driver. I feel insecure on my bike and always feel that if I don't have perfect control over it, something will go terribly wrong and I will have an accident. That's how I feel when my bike is loaded down with groceries, so I'm always very happy to let the Exfactor do them.

I've gotten to the point now, where I don't mind doing the actual shopping. As a matter of fact, that's kind of enjoyable, especially if I have the money to spend and I can buy something extra that is not on the list. That was not the case today, of course. Today was the day for frugal shopping and watching every penny. It comes down to nickels and dimes. I don't mind that, as long as there is enough to go around and we don't go hungry. But shopping itself is not a bad thing to do. It can be fun to walk around the store and look at all the things that you're not going to buy, or that you would have bought if you didn't have that darn gastric band. And you may have noticed that I'm completely over my appetite for French cheese. I don't long for it anymore at all.

So, the Exfactor did the groceries and I walked the dog and together we unloaded the groceries when he got back, while the dog serenaded us, because that's a tradition he thinks we can't do without. The Exfactor had a beer and I had a cup of coffee and we talked about cows and calves as we say here, meaning, we talked about nothing important and everything in general. Not all of our conversations can be deep and meaningful, after all. Sometimes he mentions his girlfriend and it causes just the tiniest pinprick of discomfort with me. Nothing serious, really. It is a reality that I can't get around and I'd rather that he just talks about her in a normal way than that he is silent about her. That would make me more uncomfortable, as if she were a deep dark secret.

Now I'm just sitting here writing this post, but in reality postponing doing those dishes. I'm very good at procrastinating. I work well under pressure and the apartment needs to be cleaned up by tomorrow afternoon at 2 pm, because that's when my friend J. is going to be here. So you would think I would be running around like a chicken with its head cut off, but I am not. Everything will get done and there will be more than enough time.

Well, that's a short story, but that's all I have to report. I am not very long winded today. It wasn't a day of great adventure and I'm sure nothing very exciting is going to happen this evening. I'll tell you about it tomorrow if it does.

So, I wish you all the best of evenings and the best of days and I hope something good crosses your path.

Ciao,
Nora

After a long nap.

I took a very long nap this morning and got woken up, barely, by the door bell. It just penetrated my subconscious and Jesker didn't react to it at all. It was the Exfactor, whom I had asked to come over to take the dog for a walk. I first made us some coffee and he managed to cheer me up a bit with his stories about his family, whom he had visited over the weekend. They had had a get together in honor of a sister who was visiting from Egypt. I know these get togethers very well and I could picture all the scenes as the Exfactor told me the different things that were done and said. I don't miss them one bit, as things always become complicated and different male members want to dominate the conversation. So, it was amusing for me to listen to the Exfactor telling me about it and knowing that from now on the Paramount has to deal with it, though I am not mean enough to wish the worst of it on her and I hope she gets along well with the female members of the family. They are a fine bunch of people.

The Exfactor took Jesker for a walk and when they got back, Jesker was panting heavily, because it is hot outside. This has not prevented him from just eating his second meal, however, with much appetite.

After the Exfactor left, I started reading blogs until Google kept telling me that every blog I tried to open was suspicious and would not let me open them. I'm sure there's a glitch somewhere in the system and that it will be ironed out. I will try again in a while. I was about to read a very interesting blog and felt very frustrated.

I sleep on the sofa whenever I am in the least bit tired and feel much better when I wake up. When I get tired and sleepy, I start feeling worse again and it is very important that I go back to sleep, it seems to be what saves me now and it is the best medicine. It certainly isn't going out there in the hot sun and getting exhausted by the heat. The back of the apartment is very cool and by keeping the back door open, I am managing to keep it pleasant in here. Even the cats are staying inside. They are smart animals. Jesker sticks to the cool places in the apartment. He isn't seeking out the sun like he was the other day.

I am trying to finish reading a book that I find only mildly interesting and I only manage to read a few pages in it at night before I go to sleep. I am not allowed to order another book until I am almost done with this one, so I have to hurry up and finish it, which means I will have to start reading it during the day, which I can do when I lie on the sofa. Every few pages helps to get me to the end. Sometimes you have a book in which you identify closely with the main character and I'm not doing that in this book, although he is sympathetic. I just don't care enough about what happens to him and the outcome of the book is completely indifferent to me.

I've got an enormous long wish list of books over at Bol.com and it will take me a lifetime to order and read all those books, though if I just make it a habit to read during the day again, I'll go through the list a bit faster. I try to get all the books I'm interested in in the paperback edition, as I don't want to pay the money for the hard cover one. I am very greedy about books and love owning them, though I'm not super careful with them and do break their backs and sometimes get cookie crumbs in them, though I try to avoid that.

Some of my books are very old and fall apart and I have to replace them with newer editions, but I think that's such a waste of money, so I hope to run into them in the second hand bookstore. I want to get all of Thomas Hardy's books second hand, although I can order them at Bol.com for 3 Euros plus shipping and handling, which is not bad. Are you greedy about books too? Do you collect them like rare objects?

Well, I think I will try to read some more blogs. If it doesn't work, I'm going to lie down on the sofa with that book and maybe fall asleep again. That wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Ciao...

Monday evening.

Well, if I plan this right, I can write a post before I go to bed and read some blogs too. That is if I don't dilly dally and spend too much time thinking about what I'm going to tell you all, and not get frustrated about the stupid keyboard keys that get stuck and make me all mixed up about whether or not I have punched down a key well enough or not, so that I have to go back and add or subtract letters.

There, that was a little rant about the keyboard, but really, it is so frustrating and I don't have the money right now to buy a new one yet. I have to wait just a bit. It is said that you learn to live with the little inconveniences in life, but I don't believe a bit of it. I am all for eliminating them as quickly as possible. It will be a great day when I toss this keyboard in the trash.

Today was creative therapy and I have to be honest with you and tell you that I don't enjoy going there as much anymore since I'm being told left and right that it's all going to end one of these days. My heart isn't in it anymore and I am not making the commitment like I was before. In a way I am already saying goodbye. I am being told the same thing at ergo therapy and I feel the same way there, so there is a kind of withdrawal on my part, as if I am not putting in 100% anymore.

I finished my clay sculpture today and it turned out okay for the beginner that I am. It has to dry now before it can go into the oven and I will start another one on Friday. This next one is going to be harder than the first one, so I've got my work cut out for me.

When I got home all I felt like doing was having a cup of coffee and a cigarette, so I did and I fed the dog who hadn't eaten it the morning for lack of interest, but he wolfed down his food this time. I took him for a walk and it was nearly pleasant outside, overcast, but not very cold with just a bit of a chilly wind. It wants to be spring, but it is very hesitant.

Then the Exfactor came over to pick up a package that had been delivered here for him and we had some coffee together. He had spent the weekend with the Paramount and it only bothered me slightly, as I pretend that she is not an entity in his life and I prefer not talking about her, though sometimes we must. I find the whole thing emotionally draining and prefer not to really be confronted with it.

I feel the same way about the therapies. Don't keep telling me it's going to end one day. Give me a date and then I know what to expect. It's rather senseless to keep me in suspense this way. I find that emotionally draining too.

I am most happy when I am home doing my own things and living my own life and handling my own schedule. When I'm not dependent on the decisions of other people, or their whims or fancies. That's when I am in the best mood. I get very down hearted when I know that my fate depends on the decisions of other people. I'd rather have a shoot out at the O.K. corral. I loose touch with my happiness on those other days and it's hard to get a smile out of me. I'm just an unhappy human being.

Tomorrow I will be alright again, because it is my day to do with as I please. I'll be my own mistress and make up my own mind about things. I'll vacuum and dust and do the laundry and sit and ponder things and feel generally good.

I have an appointment with my SPN in the morning. I'll be able to unload there a bit, Get my frustrations out.

Right, that was it for me for today. Time to go get comfortable in my pajamas. I do so like that moment of the day.

Hope you all had a nice day. Don't let the b******s get you down.

Ciao....

Good Morning!

It's good to be up again after a good night's sleep. I was up briefly in the middle of the night, but I slept for a long time and didn't wake up until 8 AM. That's late for me.

The Überhund has piddled out back and I am still sitting here in my bathrobe, which is very cozy and I hope to stay in this condition just a while longer. That is, if the Überhund lets me and I've just made another mug of coffee, so I hope he will.

I fell asleep watching the Junior Euro Song Festival on TV last night. Actually, it wasn't that boring. Not as boring as the real Song Festival. At least these kids were fun to watch and the song I liked best ended up winning. That's because only 50% of the call in votes counted toward the final outcome, the other 50% of the votes came from a professional jury. I guess I didn't explain that right, but I can't be bothered to figure out that one. The Netherlands had a very decent song, but I don't know where we ended up. I'm sure it wasn't at the bottom, because we didn't deserve that.

I sometimes watch the real Euro Song Festival, but most of the songs are so predictable and so are the winners, who nowadays all seem to come from the Eastern European countries. The Netherlands never has a decent song anymore. All very predictable ditties. They are Song Festival songs, as if there is a formula for them and they are written and composed accordingly. Frankly, I don't care who wins, it's just not that important, it's not politics, after all, or is it?

Well, there was no layer of snow to greet us this morning and it is officially freezing outside, because it is -1 degree Celsius. The sky is overcast, so it could snow in theory, but I kind of hope it doesn't, because I don't know if any of my boots are waterproof. I think the really dressy ones are not, but I don't know about the funky ones. They look like they should be...

It's wonderful how warm the apartment stays even with the heater off, as long as it has been heated the night before. The way it is situated between a house and the other apartments really makes it insulated and, of course, there is no wind outside. There is just a deadly calm, like a silence before a storm. It is hard to imagine that some of you will get up and pull on your shorts and a T-shirt. The hardest months to get through are December and January and the latter is tough, because there are no holidays to celebrate, until some time in February when it is Carnival. The rowdy drinking festival with all the confetti.

I suppose that I should be in a period of mourning now, because a year ago this month, the Exfactor was commencing, or securing, his affair with the Paramount without my knowledge, but with my grave suspicions and my great load of insecurity. Somehow I don't feel a lot of grieve right now. I'm sure I have some buried way deep down inside of me, but looking back on it now, it all seems like a comedy of errors. I am not disregarding the pain I felt, but it all seems like it was such a waste of time to have gone through. I blame the Exfactor's dishonesty for that.

I am not confronted much with his deed. I don't have to see them together or walk by the place where the Exfactor lives now. It is all taking place a long way away from me. I live here securely in my own life in my own apartment and can choose how much I want to know of the reality that takes place out there. I can even pretend it doesn't exist and that I don't need to break my head over it. I think partly I do that, because when I do see the Exfactor, I don't waste time thinking about his other life.

It would bother me very much if he were to marry her. That would be shocking to me and I dread the day that this will happen. That would confirm the fact that he is lost to me forever, even though I know in my heart that he already is. I pretend he isn't. I pretend I have the power...

...it is time for me to get going. Even though it is Sunday, there are things that need to be done. I am going to make it an uneventful day. A day of rest.

Mwah and ciao...

P.S. Please vote in the poll on the top left hand side, thank you.

Much better.

I sent my SPN an email this morning in which I came clean with my feelings about everything and I felt much better for having done that. I since received a kind reply from her and I think we are okay again and she says that we will discuss these issues more in depth in the next session. I don't get the feeling that she dislikes me for having tried to pull the wool over her and my eyes. I think she appreciates the fact that I was honest in the end.

This morning's session at ergo therapy showed me again how much I still need to go there, even though there are people there who irritate me to no end. I was able to get my current feelings across of alienation and unreality and disconnection and that I rated myself only at a low 5 when I had been at an 8 or a 9 this summer. I talked about the upcoming party and how much that probably had to do with my stress, because I worried about all the things I had to do to take care of and all I did was sit behind the computer and not accomplish anything.

It's pure escapism, not being able to deal with the reality of things and letting real life slide by like a stream of fast moving water on which the events bounce by like bits of flotsam caught in the current. I sit on the banks and let it all pass me by.

A rescue mission was organized and a planning was made to get me step by step through the next 5 days. An hourly schedule was made that shows exactly how I am going to be filling up my time with useful activities and little breaks in between. I have done some things now to get ready for Friday night and will do the rest of them spread out over Thursday and Friday. It is all fine tuned.

I feel a great deal of relief, because now it all seems manageable and doable. All I have to do is stick to the schedule and all will be well. It is amazing how sitting down and organizing yourself on paper can make such a difference. Instead of a incomprehensible mess, I now have an organized schedule.

Now it is just a question as to who is going to show up. All the people I invited will be there, but I haven't heard anything about the people whom the Exfactor invited, except for one woman who thought it was just too weird to go to a divorce party after she had just gone to a wedding and a funeral. C'est la vie! You'd think she's want to touch all bases, but alas...

Having the divorce party is no big deal in the sense that it does not bring closure to me to anything. Life will go on as usual. It's a celebration of the independent I, but I've celebrated that fact often enough already in the past months. I am not celebrating a failed marriage. I hope to celebrate a good start, but I've had that one already too. I think more than anything it is for the Exfactor to show his friends that we are still on good terms and that I am not suffering, but if they don't show up, it will have been a pointless exercise.

Regardless, I will have a good time with the people I invited and enjoy the good food that we'll have. I can already taste the Brie and the Camembert and the chicken and salmon salad. It was mostly the logistics that were causing my nerves to rattle.

The Paramount has announced to the Exfactor that she will not attend the party, because she will feel very uncomfortable. So be it. I suppose I would feel the same if I were in her shoes. Watch her do a 180 degrees turn about and show up anyway. That will be a surprise.

The Temazepam was prescribed to me to help me take care of the extreme anxiety that I felt as my marriage was falling apart and for how I had to deal with the logistics of everything afterwards. I was dependent on it for a long time. I tried to stop taking it before, but failed miserably, but this time it seems to be okay and that is probably because I still take 20 mg at night, so it is still in my system. I don't have anxiety as such now. What I do have a lot of is inertia and failure to get enthusiastic, but with the right kind of back up, I can find my enthusiasm again.

The ergo therapist is looking for an extra activity for me, because she sees I need it quickly to get my momentum going again. It is possible that I may do another creative class on Thursdays in another section of the building. She is going to discuss it with my SPN today and let me know on Monday. I hope I will be able to, as I feel I need the structure and the activity, even if it is on a short term basis. So, keep your fingers crossed for me.

Well, I have to stop writing, because the Überhund has urgent needs. He wants to go out, so out we go.

Have a good evening.

Mwah!

Internet.

I just signed up with a new Internet provider who is also going to provide me with telephone and TV service and I should save about 20 Euros a month. The good part is that I'll be getting one bill a month instead of two like I am getting now, covering different periods of time, making the whole thing less clear, which was not the deal when we signed up initially. It was supposed to be a one package deal for a much cheaper price, so I made sure that that really was the deal I was getting this time. It seems legitimate, so I'll have to put my faith in it. Keep your fingers crossed for me, please. Every penny counts. I'll have more left over to shop with, ha, ha.

I was only slightly bothered at ergo therapy this morning. Our regular therapist was ill, so we had a stand in, who was equally good and up to date on what is happening in the group. I got to do my song and dance act about having to swallow my bitter pill in order to reach my heavenly heights and that was appreciated by all. At least two people were very relieved that I was not leaving. I have no idea how the rest feels about it. I don't think they care much one way or the other, not knowing me very well yet. Two people didn't show up and one person was late and that is not appreciated very much and I am sure there is going to be an aftermath about this. Showing up and being on time is part of your responsibility.

We had an exercise to do. We had to partner up with different people and with paint claim our appointed space on a large sheet of paper and then lay claim to the shared space. I solved this by drawing a line straight across the shared space and filling everything beneath it up with paint. Other people did it by drawing pretty pictures of birds and flowers and bunny rabbits and fish, but I painted everything brown. I just wanted to lay claim to my space and my share of the shared space and not give anyone room to enter into mine. I thought brown was an ugly enough color to make that point clear to everybody. I was not in the mood to be kind and careful and considerate and giving by painting fragile and cheerful scenes.

I suppose that could be considered anti social, but it did give the other people all the room to work on their half unhindered by me, because I would not invade them.

Sometimes life's a bitch.

This happened right after the coffee break during which someone asked me why I never talked about my parents and I told her in plain language why I never did and she was very upset about it. I suppose subconsciously, I was upset about it too, although I did not give it a thought once I was done talking about it.

The Exfactor did not come by to do his laundry. He just came by to check on me and to make sure I was alright, so I could assure him that I was and I think it is all getting to be a little bit too much for him, because he had a deja vu moment during which he imagined that we already had the conversation we were having several days earlier. So, I think I need to manage better on my own. The Exfactor is not as stress resistant as we think he is.

I need to be careful who I share myself with. I don't want to overwhelm people with me. The sheer entity of who I am with all the extremes that come with it. You can't just say to a person that you were almost psychotic the other day. That's scary! Unless you are a fellow patient with a similar disability and you know the experience.

Bah humbug!

My greatest friend is the Überhund who loves me no matter what sort of a crazy mood I am in. He is always patient with me. He thinks I am just great.

Tomorrow is grocery shopping day again. It seems that it has been more than six days since I've done that last, but I can't be sure. I don't need that many things. Milk and yogurt and juice. And a treat. Yesterday, I went to the tobacco shop and I also got a Côte d'Or Chocolate bar with truffles. It was so delicious. Chocolate always puts me in a good mood. That's silly, drinking a glass of juice also puts me in a good mood, chocolate is just more decadent. Chocolate is one of those foods that should be very healthy for you to eat, like strawberries.

Last week the Exfactor brought me the last strawberries from the Paramount's garden. They weren't sweet and juicy, but crunchy like apples. Still, they tasted good and I ate them all. It was like forbidden fruit. I don't think the Paramount knew I was eating her last strawberries.

I left the house this morning without having combed my hair. When I got to my destination, I went into the ladies room and fashioned it into something halfway decent with a little bit of water. Still, I felt like carrying a sign that said, "This is not my real hair!" Or one that said, "I am much better looking in real life." Maybe people should always wear signs explaining some bit of themselves on any given day. "Excuse me, I am grumpy today. It's nothing personal."

Now I must go read some blogs or I will be banished from blogland forever.

Mwah!

With the exception.

I spent the time from midnight until about 3 PM behind the computer, with the exception of the time I spent walking the Überhund. It was too much and I had to force myself to shut it off and walk away from it. It was an abnormal amount of time to spend behind the computer and changing my imago several times turned out to be very difficult too. I had a hard time with that. My whole identity laid in that name and when I changed it and kept changing it, I kept loosing little bits of myself, until I became a bit lost, well, a lot lost. I got to the point that it scared me. So I turned the computer off.

Then I realized that I was hitting a huge low and I don't know if it was from the lack of sleep or from changing my identity, but I felt terrible and was afraid to go near the computer again. I decided to take a sleeping pill and try and get some sleep, in the hope that I would feel better after I woke up, but sometime after I took it, my sister called to tell me that she couldn't make it to our divorce party, because she had another commitment.

I explained to her that I had been up since midnight and that I was trying to sleep, but that it wasn't working, but I never know what I can expect of her, so I expect nothing. Afterwards, I cried and felt like shit and decided to call the Exfactor who had his phone turned off. Now, for some reason, when he is spending time with the Paramount he shuts his phone off so nobody can reach him, which I think is very immature. It is as if none of us are allowed to know that he is spending time with the Paramount and have conversations with him then.

So, feeling deeply distressed, I called the Paramount, who handed her phone to the Exfactor right away, who pretended not to know that his phone was not turned on. Of course, he couldn't do a thing for me, not even talk properly, so I said I would call the Crisis Phone and get help there, which I did.

I got a nice enough professional to talk to and felt somewhat better when I got off the phone. It was a better experience than it was the time before. This man listened and asked smart questions and understood right away what my fear was, that I was afraid of becoming manic, and we talked about ways to prevent that from happening.

Finally the sleeping pill started to work and I slept for about an hour or so, but it was enough. I still have that fear that my identity is lost to me and I don't know what to do about it, except to reverse things as much as possible. I think I have crossed a line into a, for me, uncomfortable area that's too far removed from my center and I feel afraid. The title of my blog is too abstract and the image is too alien to me. I am moving into uncharted waters and I am afraid to drown and I want to go back to the comfortable shore.

I could do this for somebody else, but I can't do it for me. I can't be avant garde for me. It has to do with who I am and how I perceive myself emotionally and intellectually. I suppose I can be a Vincent van Gogh, but not an Andy Warhol. I need solidness and reality, at least van Gogh's kind. That's how far I have evolved.

There, I have changed things back to The Choppy Sunflower. Which is where they should have stayed in the first place. Change for the sake of change is not always good, in my case it isn't.

This day will go down in my personal history as a day of infamy. The whole thing reeks of embarrassment to me. Of lessons learned the very hard way, never to be repeated again.

Ciao...