Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Wednesday after the ergo therapy.
Well, you all know that I started feeling better after my daughter's phone call. That brought me back to reality a bit and reminded me of some very important people I love. That was very good for me and I was able to have a relaxed evening and a good night's sleep and was woken by the alarm clock at 7 AM.
I had to go to ergo therapy and it was especially important that I go, because I find that the therapist there usually sheds some light on whatever problem I am dealing with. I usually have a "Eureka Moment" there, so I assumed I would have one today also. I was bound and determined to have one.
After dressing in my lavender leggings and my black and white mini dress and my brown boots, I took the dog for a walk and then had a cup of coffee and made some cigarettes, before I hopped on my bike and rode it to the clinic. I was on time to sit on the deck with an espresso and chat with some other people before it was time for the therapy . We all filed in with our cups of coffee and found our place to sit and I was eager to start, but the therapist had an announcement first.
The clinic has been taken over by another country wide organization and they want the clients to do six half days of therapy in a week. I am doing three half days right now, so I needed to add another three. So, all of us had to add some half days to our schedule and we got the paperwork out to see what we could add.
If it all works out, I have added another 4 hour creative class on Tuesdays, a dance class on Wednesdays, providing four other women I know also go, a music therapy class on Thursdays and a relaxation techniques class also on Thursdays. That's beside the two mornings of creative therapy I already do on Mondays and Fridays and the ergo therapy I do on Wednesdays.
It's a very full schedule and there is some concern as to whether or not I can handle it, but I think I will be fine. Or am I overestimating myself now? I never know until I try it, it will be like having a job and going to work every day. I think it's good, as it will leave me less time to be alone with my own thoughts and ponder things and I will get tired and sleep well.
So, anyway, then we did our usual round and when it was my turn I told about my bad down turn and about what happened at creative therapy on Monday and that I had been drinking and had suicidal thoughts and had been very depressed and the whole damn story and we discussed all of this for awhile to get to the bottom of it and what it really comes down to, is that on Monday I felt rejected and I take rejection very personally and that has to do with my childhood.
When I get a rejection, I feel rejected as a whole person, all of me is rejected and with me that leads to extreme feelings of worthlessness and depression and self destructive thoughts and suicidal tendencies. I literally start to self destruct emotionally, but also wish it physically. I chaotically start to fall apart and stop functioning normally and it takes me a lot of talking with other people and a lot of reasoning to see my way out of that situation again.
So, you could say that I am vulnerable to rapid cycling, but that there is always a trigger that gets me started if you look carefully enough and it is probably something that would not upset someone else so much. It wouldn't fester like that.
So, that's pretty clear, isn't it? It makes sense to me.
Now for something completely different.
Today I received this beautiful bouquet of roses from my good and thoughtful blogging friend Tessa, who had it sent to me to put a smile on my face. Well, you can bet that it did. It's gorgeous and I luckily had the perfect vase for it and they stand on the dining table where I can look at them constantly and admire them very much. Thank you very much, Tessa, you peach! Some people are very good at performing random acts of kindness and Tessa is one of them.
I have to feed the Überhund and take him for a walk and then eat something and I may just get comfortable and put my pajamas on, but that's a big maybe, because it is rather early still.
I want to thank all of you who have been so supportive of me with your comments and wise advice. I hope I'm a little bit smarter now and that I will be okay now.
Have a very good evening.