Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Wednesday after the ergo therapy.

Well, you all know that I started feeling better after my daughter's phone call. That brought me back to reality a bit and reminded me of some very important people I love. That was very good for me and I was able to have a relaxed evening and a good night's sleep and was woken by the alarm clock at 7 AM.

I had to go to ergo therapy and it was especially important that I go, because I find that the therapist there usually sheds some light on whatever problem I am dealing with. I usually have a "Eureka Moment" there, so I assumed I would have one today also. I was bound and determined to have one.

After dressing in my lavender leggings and my black and white mini dress and my brown boots, I took the dog for a walk and then had a cup of coffee and made some cigarettes, before I hopped on my bike and rode it to the clinic. I was on time to sit on the deck with an espresso and chat with some other people before it was time for the therapy . We all filed in with our cups of coffee and found our place to sit and I was eager to start, but the therapist had an announcement first.

The clinic has been taken over by another country wide organization and they want the clients to do six half days of therapy in a week. I am doing three half days right now, so I needed to add another three. So, all of us had to add some half days to our schedule and we got the paperwork out to see what we could add.

If it all works out, I have added another 4 hour creative class on Tuesdays, a dance class on Wednesdays, providing four other women I know also go, a music therapy class on Thursdays and a relaxation techniques class also on Thursdays. That's beside the two mornings of creative therapy I already do on Mondays and Fridays and the ergo therapy I do on Wednesdays.

It's a very full schedule and there is some concern as to whether or not I can handle it, but I think I will be fine. Or am I overestimating myself now? I never know until I try it, it will be like having a job and going to work every day. I think it's good, as it will leave me less time to be alone with my own thoughts and ponder things and I will get tired and sleep well.

So, anyway, then we did our usual round and when it was my turn I told about my bad down turn and about what happened at creative therapy on Monday and that I had been drinking and had suicidal thoughts and had been very depressed and the whole damn story and we discussed all of this for awhile to get to the bottom of it and what it really comes down to, is that on Monday I felt rejected and I take rejection very personally and that has to do with my childhood.

When I get a rejection, I feel rejected as a whole person, all of me is rejected and with me that leads to extreme feelings of worthlessness and depression and self destructive thoughts and suicidal tendencies. I literally start to self destruct emotionally, but also wish it physically. I chaotically start to fall apart and stop functioning normally and it takes me a lot of talking with other people and a lot of reasoning to see my way out of that situation again.

So, you could say that I am vulnerable to rapid cycling, but that there is always a trigger that gets me started if you look carefully enough and it is probably something that would not upset someone else so much. It wouldn't fester like that.

So, that's pretty clear, isn't it? It makes sense to me.

Now for something completely different.

Today I received this beautiful bouquet of roses from my good and thoughtful blogging friend Tessa, who had it sent to me to put a smile on my face. Well, you can bet that it did. It's gorgeous and I luckily had the perfect vase for it and they stand on the dining table where I can look at them constantly and admire them very much. Thank you very much, Tessa, you peach! Some people are very good at performing random acts of kindness and Tessa is one of them.

I have to feed the Überhund and take him for a walk and then eat something and I may just get comfortable and put my pajamas on, but that's a big maybe, because it is rather early still.

I want to thank all of you who have been so supportive of me with your comments and wise advice. I hope I'm a little bit smarter now and that I will be okay now.

Have a very good evening.



VioletSky said...

I feel exhausted just looking at that schedule (but then I am lazy)!
Though as you say, it gives you more time away from those thoughts swirling around your head. Hope you still feel like dancing after your ergo on Weds.

Babaloo said...

That schedule sounds pretty packed to me. But then, it might be good to have more things arranged for yourself. You will find out I guess. :)

Frances said...

Yay you - back on track again. How lovely of your friend to send you those beautiful flowers - very thoughtful and kind of her. Flowers are cheering at any time, but lovely to know someone thought of you that way. You deserve floods of flowers.
Glad you are getting to the bottom of that trigger - you have had a few little knocks and one or two big ones recently - so it is understandable that you would be upset.
BUT - you know that some horribly dysfunctional behaviour starts when you feel rejected or disappointed - all destructive and all directed at yourself as if to prove it is all deserved and you sink into that cycle of negativity and self-pity which is too dangerous for you, Irene... We all do suffer with these complex feelings of mixed worm and ego - but you know where it can lead. Now we are adults it only punishes us ourselves. I am going to say something now which will make some people annoyed, but you know I say the same of myself, and I want to say it because it is a lesson I learnt the hard way - Take care not to go for attention-seeking when you are upset. That could make you dramatise yourself which would be dangerous for you - it could lead you to do silly things - not necessary. Plenty of people care and value you, you don't need to start with the drinking or messing your meds around to prove any point. Nasty - sorry to say what I think - but I believe it is true... All we people with interesting disorders slip back into the habit of being interesting if we are not careful....
Anyway enough of that depressing stuff. I'm just warning you I am here to kick ass if I think you are not being nice to yourself. It's worth the risk of annoying you.
About the 6 half days. Might be the best thing in the world.. I hope you will be able to take it because I am sure you will love it and really benefit if you can face it.
Love you
hugs and kisses

Maggie May said...

Good that you are going to be so busy with the therapy each day. (I assume you get Sunday off!)
Rejection is the root cause of many things and maybe if you can get your head round this, you will be on an even keel.
I always felt rejected as a child and that left me with some difficulties, so I do understand.
The flowers are lovely. What a good friend to have!
Hope you feel better now and that you have a good night. X

Gail said...

Yeah!!!!!! I knew you would be alright.

Wisewebwoman said...

Oh that Tessa, such a wonderfully kind person! And the flowers are downright gorgilicious.
Yes, Irene: I second Frances too on this, just be super careful.
I had dinner with a dear friend last night who used to suffer from depression too and we each had a eureka moment at the same time when we realized that our lives were now so self-creative that we had edged the depression out. He had brought along his art portfolio and I had brought along my latest cards.
I wish that for you, my dear, a life so full of creativity, depression won't have house room in your head.

Anonymous said...

That does look like a full schedule - I think anybody would be exhausted after a week like that! I do agree that keeping active and busy helps keep things on an even keel. Hope you'll be scheduling time to eat, sleep and blog, though!

Don't forget to keep being kind to yourself!

John said...

Crap I thought I sent those flowers.

aims said...

Sometimes life is just so overwhelming. You're lucky to have people who can see it and point you in the right direction.

Remembering these people have good answers is the trick when life gets to you.

jeannette stgermain said...

Wow, that is a full schedule - so you can't stay with three half days?
What an amazing million dollar looking bouguet you got!!
If you forget again that there are people who love you, look up this pic, or print it out and put it on the fridge, or the bathroom (de WC), or some place where you come by often during the day:).

Maureen said...

Wow, but I can see the need to have a reason to get out. If we have nothing to plan for, we simply don't.. at least many of us (me included) don't. Take care, and what beautiful flowers!!!

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