Fast Wednesday.

I didn't wake up until 8 o'clock this morning, which was late, because I had to be at ergo therapy at 9:15. First, of course, I had to have my coffee and my cigarettes and I spent a half an hour sitting in my pajamas, with the dog, just waking up. Then it was, feed the dog and the cats, take my medicines, get dressed, do my hair and my make up, walk the dog, make some cigarettes, have a cup of coffee and leave the house 15 minutes late, race my bike to ergo therapy, walk the long distance from where I park my bike to where the therapy is held and got there 10 minutes late. So, I gained 5 minutes somewhere along the line.

Actually, they had started late and were just beginning with the discussion , so I didn't miss much.The subject was the recurrence of depressions and why they kept on doing that and if there could possibly be something in your environment that kept triggering them. Now, I'm a firm believer in that, so I put my two cents worth in and could only see that these women kept on being stuck in the same roles that they had been in year after year and that here was no change in them. It was as though they were all frozen in place and afraid to do anything differently. So it seemed to me that if you kept getting depressions, and your medication wasn't clearing them up, there must be something else at play. Maybe a life style issue.

The therapist agreed with that, but could not be as blunt about it and tackled the problem more diplomatically. That's why she's the therapist and I'm not. You can't tell these people to suddenly make drastic changes in their relationships and life styles. We do everything in little steps, which are often too small for me, but that's just me. Everyone is treated with tender loving care and we don't upset the boat too much.

Well, anyway, then we had to draw a picture with pastel crayons and not give it any thought, but just let something happen, and I drew myself as a great big fat blob that was pulled down to the ground by gravity and was unmovable, and out of my mouth came the words, "Blah, blah, blah,..." and on top of me was a big black cloud that rained all over me and that is how I felt this morning. I didn't think it was a very pessimistic picture, I thought it was very realistic, because it depicted my feelings exactly.

I have been feeling so tired these past weeks and I feel like gravity is pulling me down to the ground and all I want to do is lay down and go to sleep. Now, I'm pretty sure that this is a side effect of the higher dose of my antipsychotic, so I am going to lower the dose tonight and see if that will help me any. I can't discuss this with my SPN, because she won't be in until Friday, and I don't want to call the psychiatrist, because he is not going to know any better than I am on what to do. I am making an executive decision. I am absolutely not hypomanic anymore. I am practically comatose half of the time.

Well, when ergo therapy was over, I had to rush home and walk the dog and vacuum the kitchen and the living room and the furniture and just when I was done with that, the doorbell rang and it was my friend Lucien whom I had not seen in a few months. So I made us some coffee and brought out the cookies, and the Überhund thought Lucien was just the best thing since sliced cheese and made eyes at her and wanted to be petted by her very much. He is a true social being. He also kept a close eye on the cookies and guarded them carefully from any cat that happened to get too close. He did this until he got too tired and had to take a nap.

Lucien and I had a nice visit and talked up a storm. You get around to talking about different things than when you talk on the phone. Face to face is better and I said she should come by more often. She is often in the neighborhood and it is a small effort for her to drop by and it is a good motivator for me to get the vacuum cleaner out. I like having company and having a good reason to clean up the apartment well. It's always fun to show it at its best to other people.

Tomorrow I'm going to do some more serious cleaning. The somewhat tougher jobs that I have not got around to doing yet. I just hope I have the energy for it. I am actually hoping to be inspired by the springtime madness when the cleaning bug hits. It should happen any day now.

Well, that's all I wrote for today. I think I am going to change my bed and do a load of laundry. I feel like clean sheets tonight. That will be pleasant to sleep in. I must keep busy tonight and postpone falling asleep until the last moment to get a normal night's sleep.

Ciao...