Slow time...

Although I really slept well last night, I took a four hour nap on the sofa this afternoon, which seems pretty incredible to me too. I can't believe I slept for such a long time and needed a cup of coffee immediately when I woke up. 

It did me a world of good and I felt very satisfied and sated afterwards and in a good mood. I must have really needed that sleep, which goes to show you that I tire easily from doing the most ordinary chores and that I don't always get enough sleep at night and need to catch up on that every once in a while. 

The first thing I did this morning was go to the patio and clean up Tyke's poop that had been covered up by the snow that now had melted and revealed everything. It was quite a unpleasant job and I had been putting it of. 

After washing my hands thoroughly under hot water, I took the laundry off the drying rack and folded it and put it away and took the next load out of the washing machine and hung it up to dry. 

This is one of the jobs I like to do and I think it has to do with my sense of order. I like hanging up things neatly and putting them away, knowing that each thing has its place. When I get frustrated, I know it is because my closet is not in order and I need to clean it up.

Next, I got the mail out of the mailbox and was rewarded with my new health insurance policy which I had been waiting for. I had taken care of changes on my policy on line, but because there had been problems with the website, I didn't know if the changes had gone through properly and I was expecting all sorts of problems. I had called the help desk of the insurance company, but their computers were giving them problems and I only got a vague promise that it would be taken care of. 

It's nice when something does work out right. This had been bothering me very much and was one of the reasons why I had been so nervous, because I anticipated all sorts of difficulties which I would not be able to put to rights and which would end up costing me precious money. I guess I do have to trust in the competence of other people and happy endings. Let this be a lesson to me. 

I stripped my bed with Tyke's generous help and put clean sheets on it, which makes me look forward to getting into it tonight. I think Tyke looks forward to it also. I put the used sheets in the washing machine and am hoping to add some other laundry to it. I have to go around the apartment and look for some.

I cleaned up the kitchen, which always needs cleaning, and picked up the leaves of the ivy plant in the living room. I had given it too much water and nearly drowned it, and as a result it lost more than half of its leaves over a period of time. I am waiting for the soil to dry out and won't water it for a long time now. 

That's one thing I always do wrong. I always over water my plants. I'm good with outside plants, but I don't do well with indoor plants. I don't have a green thumb for them at all and don't have any feeling for it whatsoever. I've already nearly killed another plant and I'm waiting for it to come back to life. I think I should have fake plants, though I would probably try to water them too in a subconscious attempt to kill them.

That's when I succumbed to my need to take a nap and I turned up the thermostat and laid down on the sofa to sleep for a while, which turned into a long while. It took up most of my afternoon. 

Oh, now Tyke wants to play with me and the ball and I'm supposed to get it away from him. That's an endless exercise in frustration unless he decides to kindly let go. I'm just going to ignore him until he drops it beside me. I think that's the best method. 

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

 

Snow!

It's been snowing for about four hours and we have several centimeters of it. So far it's still pretty and Tyke and I have already been out in it. We got a dusting of it all over ourselves. I was smart enough to wear my snow hat and it didn't mess up my hair too much. Tyke enjoyed it in the snow. I knew he would. He's that kind of dog, but I think all dogs like snow. They are like kids and like the adventure of it. It's going to keep snowing tonight and during the night. It's going to be cold.

I had a productive day today anyway. I got chores done in the morning and took a shower and found some nice clothes to wear. I discovered a top that I had forgotten the existence of. Isn't it nice if you are forgetful? It made me think of another top I had forgotten the existence of. Then I rediscovered some ankle boots that were very dusty, so I cleaned them up and put them on and took Tyke for a walk. 

I made phone calls that were necessary and checked my bank account and discovered a little surprise, which made me happy, and tried to figure out a way to get 10 detailed and descriptive bills from the Internet company, but I'm still working on that. I may not be successful with them, because I have an All in One Package and pay a flat rate. 

When my personal helper got here, I already had a lot of things done and I was ready to sit down and have a cup of coffee and a good chat, which I don't think she minded. We did do the dishes and I broke the handle of one of my favorite mugs. I will see if I'm able to glue it back on. I hope I have the right glue. I don't want the handle to come unstuck when the mug is filled with hot chocolate. 

Right after she left, the Exfactor showed up, but he was unable to fix my tire, because he didn't bring the right tools to take my chain guard off. Apparently, my screwdrivers were too short, so he's coming back tomorrow. That's when he'll do the groceries too, because he was unable to do them without the use of my bike. Luckily, I have just enough milk left to last until the morning. Actually, I think he was too tired and in no shape to do the job. It's better if he does it tomorrow when he's better rested. 

In the meantime, my domestic help had shown up and as a treat to me she completely cleaned up my whole patio of all the leaves that had covered it and she got it done in half the time it would have taken me. It had been a job that the prospect of was going to give me ulcers. I fretted about it so much and the longer I put it off, the worse it got and now, just on time, she got it done before the snow started to fall. I do feel like I have guardian angels in my life. 

She does stay and visit now when she's done with her work and we talk about  ordinary every day things and get to know each other. I'm old enough to be her mother and she says 'thee' to me. I like people addressing me that way. It's a sign of respect and I appreciate it. I do reciprocate by being respectful to her too. 

After she left, I walked Tyke in the snow and when I came home I discovered that I had no Internet connection, which I tried to remedy by taking the cable out of the modem for 5 minutes like they recommend, but I did that five times and I still had no connection, so I called technical help. The woman there told me to check my Internet connection at the hard drive and I did and voila, I was on line again. Apparently Tyke had pulled loose the cable when he chased his ball. I must remember to check that, because I think this has happened to me before. I bet I'll forget it again the next time.

The delivery boy from the pharmacy was just at the door and he brought so much cold with him that now I am cold and he was standing in the relatively warm stairwell. It's 28F but it feels like 22F. I will take Tyke out. It's not snowing too badly now.

Have a good evening!

Ciao,

Nora

Rain...

It's been raining non stop since I woke up this morning and even Tyke can't be fooled into going out into it. He'll quickly go out back, but looks at the sky to try to figure out what this wetness is that's sprinkling down on him. I let him out often, because he comes in so quickly that I get the impression that he hasn't done what he's supposed to do. To be on the safe side, he goes out every hour or so.

This morning his special puppy food was delivered that I ordered on line at my favorite pet shop. I ordered a 10 kilo bag and I'm curious to see how long it will last. Tyke has a good appetite and has been eating Jesker's left overs, but now I want him to eat more specialized food. He is growing, because I've had to move his collar up two notches. It was too tight. I noticed that when I was giving him an extended petting session yesterday. I don't want him to get fat and am constantly checking his belly for leanness. He doesn't get any food if his belly still feels a bit round. If it's empty, and it's time to eat, he gets food. I feed him in the morning and the evening and he gets a little snack in between as a reward if he has gone outside and done his business.

He's pretty easy to distract from negative behavior. I don't have to get cross with him, but just call him over and get his mind focused on something else. He really does do his best, although some habits are hard to break, such as wanting to dominate Gandhi over and over again. Gandhi is giving out very mixed messages and goes to look for him and parks herself right under his nose, so it's very confusing to Tyke who thinks she wants to play with him. He thinks it's all a game and that she is willing. He doesn't realize that she's a reluctant participant and confused herself. Tyke thinks they're married for life.

It just stopped raining and I went for a quick walk around the block with him. We met one of our neighbors with her dog and her dog was quite taken with Tyke and made advances. It was a girl dog at the ripe age of 12. She put all of her charms into it and Tyke was quite amused and flattered. He longingly looked after her when she went on her way with her owner. He would probably jump her if he got the chance. He's not as innocent as he looks, that feisty little thing.

It's been a long time since I've felt happy. It's been many months, but the last two days I sometimes feel little pinpricks of it. They are so tiny that they are hardly noticeable, but they are there nevertheless. I hope these pinpricks become larger and that they will turn into seconds and minutes and hours, but I'm afraid to hope for too much. I miss being happy. You don't know what you miss until you start feeling it again and now that I do on occasion, I want more of it. I long for it very much. It is a state of mind that I miss as much as blue skies and sunshine. It's awful to always feel like the colors black and gray and to never feel yellow and red. I don't know how I've lasted through all these winter months. It's been such a hell. All that's kept me hanging in there was the thought that there would be an end to it one day and the end is coming in sight now. I´m plain worn out from it.

The fact that there are the tips of leaves of plants showing up in the dark wet ground now gives me hope. Some shrubs have buds on them. It´s all full of promise and soon I will put this dark period behind me. Next year I´ll be smart and use the sunlight replacement lamp again, though I did not really believe in it. I´ll have to believe in it if I´m going to survive another winter. But I can´t think about that now. First I have to get ready for spring and thoroughly enjoy that and come back alive. I can start sitting on café terraces with my friend Yvonne again and take photographs of the world. I feel like I´m about to be let out of jail and join the human race again.

Well, so much for those ponderous thoughts. I´ve felt so trapped inside myself and inside that entity called winter that loomed so large around me with it´s darkness and cold and snow and ice and rain. I´m ready to be liberated from it.

This is the end of my epistle. While I´m typing this, I´ve been liberating Gandhi from Tyke´s amorous hold many times. I do want to break him of the habit.

Have a good day! Wish the rain away.

Ciao,
Nora

Jesker's condition...

I just came back from this afternoon's walk with both the dogs and I could see that it was a real effort for Jesker. We walked very slowly and at the end of it I was worried about him making it home. He is confused again and got stuck in a corner in the entryway by the front door and I had to guide him into the apartment. He doesn't want to eat and I have to force his antibiotic pill, wrapped in a slice of salami, down his throat. His breathing is a bit labored as he is lying here beside me and I bet he's got a fever again.

Unfortunately, there is nothing I can do for him, but pet him and try to make him as comfortable as I can and not leave him alone. He wants to be as close to me as he can and luckily Tyke is getting over the worst of his sex drive. He's not nearly as bad as he was yesterday and leaves Jesker alone now for the most part. The attempts that he does make are halfhearted and I can easily stop him.When I do, he's very apologetic and wants to make up for it as quickly as he can. That's good, because Jesker just wants to lie beside me and be petted every so often.

For a change, I slept all night long. I think I went to bed at 11 pm and didn't wake up until 6 am. That's a record for me, although I think I one time slept for 8 hours. I can't remember when that was exactly. It was last year some time maybe. Tyke didn't get into any sort of trouble, but he did leave two surprises by the back door. At least his intentions were good, he was almost in the right place. I'll put a newspaper down there tonight, so it will be easier to clean up. It's amazing how easily you get used to handling a dog's surprises without gagging.

I'm not falling apart today. It must be because of those extra hours of sleep I grabbed this morning after I had already been up for a while. Sleep is my best friend, I need more than enough of it and more than 7 hours in a night. 7 Hours is not enough for me. I can't function on it.

This is taking me forever to write, because I have to pet Jesker and play with Tyke. It's like having two children who both need enough attention. Then Gandhi threw some books off the bookcase and Tyke started barking about that, because he thought that was scary and not at all the way the way it was supposed to be.

I just took some time out to clear the patio and the flowerbeds of evidence of dog. The more I looked, the more I saw. It's amazing what comes out of a small animal and what difference the sort of food makes. I have made up my mind about what I'm going to feed him now and what sort of snacks he's going to get. It's all a question of trying things out.

Well, I'm going to sit on the sofa in the company of my dogs. I'm sure we'll have a fruitful time. Poor Jesker needs lots of attention. He's lying between my feet now and I'm sitting here like a farmer milking cows.

Have a good rest of the day.

Ciao...

The crazy scale...

It's dark in the living room, as I have no lights on and the day is cloudy. We are expecting rain later, but in preparation of it, the clouds have been moving in all day and it has been nothing but overcast and cool. I like this, of course, and I have the back door open for a nice cool draft, which the dog likes too, because he likes to casually wander out there and pee against a tree when the notion hits him. He does like to assert himself and his territorial rights. I don't know how the cats feel about that, because it is really their patio on which they hang out, but I don't think they begrudge the dog his occasional assertion of his rights.

After I did the dishes last night and before I got the vacuum out, I decided to take the dog to the vet. His eyes had started getting worse again, as I had been checking them several times a day and they had turned red again under the upper lids. He also needed new medication for his osteoarthritis as I noticed that his front paws were bothering him and he was kind of shaky on them at times. He had also started scratching himself and needed flea drops before that got out of hand.

About his eyes, the vet said that he hardly makes natural tears and that this dries his eyes out and makes them susceptible to bacteria, so he got an ointment against the drying out and an ointment against the bacteria and we are going to constantly have to apply these. We came home with 4 packages of goodies and a bill for the Exfactor who is financially responsible for the dog's vet bills, which is good, because I could not afford them. He is not going to be thrilled about this bill, but there is not much I can do about it.

So, that's what I did yesterday instead of vacuuming and it was hot and muggy and by the time I got home, I was tired and sweaty, and the dog was also worn out from the sheer nerves of going to the vet and panting so much. I applied the flea drops and the ointments and now we hope for the best. I want to take the best possible care of him and do the right thing as long as we are able to. He's such a sweet dog, but, of course, everybody thinks that about their dog, and you love them for their very presence in your life. I mustn't even think about him not being here anymore.

This morning I had ergo therapy and I did have a short moment when I sat at the dining table that I didn't want to go, but I made myself and I'm glad I did, because it was worth it. We were with a small group and could take some time to explain where we were in our lives and what was happening with us and I said that I no longer wanted to be a victim of my moods, but wanted to have control over them and decide for myself how far a mood would take me, or if I was going to have a certain mood at all and to what point.

The therapist asked me if I was able to control that and I said that surprisingly, yes, I was learning to to some extent. That I am not a helpless victim of my moods that just take me where they will, but that I can actively put a halt to them or bend them around in another direction.

The therapist asked me how I did that and I said that I used the "crazy scale." She asked me what that was and I explained that I checked my behavior to see if it was still within the normal range all the time, and that as long as it was, everything is okay. There are certain kinds of behavior that I have that I consider "crazy" and when I start to do these things, I know that I have to run interference quickly. So that is my crazy scale. I check my thoughts and behavior against it regularly to see if I'm still on the right path and let's be honest, everybody knows what normal is and what is crazy.

This became a new catchword throughout the session and the therapist kept talking about Irene's crazy scale and how she wants to keep that one in the vocabulary. But you know, it really works and I can test any thought I have against it and say, nah, that's crazy! Or yes, that's normal. I know more than I thought I did. I can be my own guardian and my own test driver.

Now I'm sitting here very jolly having not done a bloody thing but walked Jesker and fed him, and answered all my emails and took care of some Bookmooch business. I got my first book in the mail today and I'm pleased as punch about that and I have a special section in the bookcase for new books that I get through the mail from Bookmooch.

I have also moved my hardy fern to a kinder environment, because it needs filtered light and more water, so now it sits on the kitchen windowsill beside another plant that needs extra care, and I will remember to water it all the time. It was almost dying of thirst and too much sunlight where it was, so I had to find the right place for it and the kitchen windowsill is the best place for plants that don't do well. That need nurturing.

Now it is getting to be that time of the day again. Things are slowing down. I'm yawning, which probably means I'm in need of food and a glass of juice, but I still have a full cup of coffee sitting here. Toby keeps looking at me very expectantly, but I don't know what he wants. He has kibbles and water and he doesn't want milk, so I don't know what to do for him, unless he wants me to run the kitchen faucet for him, which he likes. I guess I'll try that... No, that's not it either. I give up.

You know, it's very difficult to get a dog awake who is hard of hearing. I try it with Jesker and I have to make all sorts of noise to try and get him to react. In the end, giving him a gentle shove is what works.

I hope you had a good day, or that you are still having it. Have a pleasant evening anyway. I am going to try and read without falling asleep.

Ciao...