You asked for it...

It's raining outside. I was so busy taking my picture and trying to look my absolute best for it, that I hadn't noticed that it started raining. I don't mind, because I've been out for the day and all I have left to do is walk the dog and I can do that in between showers, or under an umbrella if it's not too bad. Well, I don't want the dog to get too wet, the poor thing. He will get all stinky, because it's time for a trim and a wash for him.

So, I was taking numerous pictures, with and without flash, smiling a lot or a little, frontal and from the side, anything to get a good one, but it is hard when you are middle aged and the camera shows all your faults so harshly. Then I had to upload them to the computer and edit and delete and I deleted a lot of them, didn't even give them a second thought. Gone with them, until I was left with four decent ones and had to make the choice between them. The one that was too cutesy didn't make it. And the one in which I looked sexy didn't either. That left two almost identical photos and I had to choose between the two and I think I picked the right one. My guts told me to go with it. So here it is:


I didn't realize I had such a crooked nose like an old crone, but that must come with age, as does the flabby under chin. Never look down when you're taking your own picture, I learned that lesson. You see I'm not wearing my glasses. I did that for the sake of vanity. I don't want to be photographed wearing my glasses, because they make my nose look big(ger).

I'll tell you what I was up to at my psychiatrist's office yesterday. I cried nearly the whole time I was there, because he put his finger on the sore spot, namely my extreme fear for new, and what I think are unsafe situations. It goes very deep, people. It's a fear that determines much of what I do and do not do in my life and restricts me quite a bit and makes me a solitary homebody, who does not seek the adventure that she would like to. And that knowledge makes me very sad and that is why I cried so much. I cried for the fear and I cried for the sadness.

It's good to say it out loud and to face it and to share it with other people, that that is a motivating factor in much what you do and do not do. To really face up to it and show yourself naked like that, exposed and ready for scrutiny. Of course, what you get is help and compassion, but you don't know that ahead of time. You just sit there and let it all pour out like you've never done before. Both my psychiatrist and my SPN were there and you have to realize how much I have to trust these people in order to let myself go like that.

It was a quite uplifting experience in that I felt a great deal of relief afterwards as if a burden had been lifted off my shoulders. Now I don't feel so alone in this.

I saw my SPN today for half an hour and had a kind of debriefing. We're going to look at the other possibilities of what there is for me to do during the week when my creative therapies end. There are several things I can do and we're going to look at all of them.

To make this story a little bit lighter now, I will tell you that on the way home I stopped by the drugstore and bought Andrelon shampoo and conditioner for brown hair. It is for naturally brown hair as well as colored hair and it is henna based, whatever that means. I also bought myself a Gloria Vanderbilt eau de toilette. I had nothing good smelling left and I thought I deserved a nice cheap scent. I wanted an expensive one, but I couldn't afford it. Those were all behind locked up glass doors. I also went to the tobacco shop, were they failed to recognize me, and added my share of money to the expanding free market, so I've done my good deed for today. The shampoo and conditioner were 40% off, I keep getting good deals.

I can't wash my hair or take a shower or do the dishes, because the boiler isn't working and I'm waiting to hear from the repair man, but I think he has forgotten about me. I called the office, but got none the wiser, so I sit and wait. It's cold in here too, because the radiators aren't working.

Now I feel a huge nap coming on, so I better move to the sofa. That's is after I've eaten something. I have a whole role of biscuits and they taste mighty nice. I ought to have a cup of tea with them.

Alright, that's enough for today.

Ciao,
Nora

The wee hours.

For some reason, I have been up since the wee hours of the night and I've heard the birds greet the early morning and watched it become dawn. That made me happy, to see the first signs of daylight, as it signaled the end of the night and made my presence here more legitimate because people are only supposed to be up in something that resembles the early morning, no matter what time it is on the Northern hemisphere.

The dog took the opportunity to start the day early too, once he realized I was up, and had to do numerous piddles out back. Then he decided he was hungry and started to eat the cat food, but I got him to stop that by giving him a bowl of his new dog kibbles and he vacuumed those up.It was just like that, like he was an elephant with a long trunk sucking up the kibbles and then they were gone.Then he ate all the cat food anyway. I sat here in resignation. So did Toby.

It's going to be a partially cloudy day today with the temperature around 18 degrees C. I already know what I am going to wear, the same thing I did yesterday, because it was comfortable and pretty, although I may change the cardigan for a different one and the leggings for gray ones that match the gray dots in the dress. I always have to color co-ordinate.It's the sign of a well turned out woman.

It's creative therapy morning and I'm going to work on my doodle in a circle and not do a sculpture, because I could not find any I wanted to make. I would google some, but the printer is almost out of ink and I can't print the image if I find one. That is one thing I will do, is get the cartridge refilled right at the computer store around the corner. Life is so full of expenses.

Anyway, I don't mind doodling, because it will put me in a different part of the studio where some interesting women hang out and I like to watch them work, One of them is making fantastic artworks with oil pastels and paints and inks and the one she's working on now is going to be wonderful. It's a pleasure to see it and to see her absorbed in the work.

This doodle I'm making I'm going to color with ink also as an experiment to see how it will look. I am going to allow myself to make mistakes and have it turn into a flop and start all over again if I want to.

This afternoon, I will get serious about the mail and about sweeping the floors and dusting the apartment. More dedication can not be expected of me. I have four cups and a mug and two glasses and some utensils to wash, it's not worth the dish washing liquid.

I have bought some wonderful low sugar strawberry jam that tastes very good on muesli bread and is a real treat. I allow myself one slice of it a day. I am going to have some for breakfast shortly. That and a glass of juice are a good start to the day. Maybe I won't want to have so many cookies at therapy, where they call me the Cookie Monster.

I weighed 93.4 kilos this morning, so I have lost 6.5 kilos, that's a little more than 14 lbs. I am steadily going downwards. It's very encouraging to see less ounces every day, but I see it especially in my face which has gotten thinner.

One of these days, I'll get myself all fixed up and take many pictures of me with glasses on and pick out the best one and post it. That will be my new profile picture. I had to get used to me in these glasses first. I am used to them by now and am willing to show you.

Well, I'll write more later today when I'm done getting through everything. It will be a good day, except for the unknown contents of the mail.

Have a good day, you all.

Ciao...

Almost raining.

It's been that kind of day in which it has been threatening to rain and every once in a while some splatters of rain came down from the sky, but then nothing serious happened and I never did get really wet, although I was out in it a few times, both by bike and on foot and I thought, "Oh no, my perfectly coiffed hair!" because I have put a different styling gel in it and really worked hard to make it look spiky and cool, but my hair was saved and didn't turn into one big glob of plastic like liquid mess, which would have made me look ridiculous and the butt of everyone's jokes.

I've got such incredibly cool hair now, that I keep going to the mirror to look at myself to see how cool I really am. I am not going to take a picture of it, because it may not turn out as cool as I really am and that would be disappointing, so you should really see me in person and I invite you all over to come have a look for yourself. No, I was right, I just took some pictures of myself and the startling effect of my hair is lost on them completely, so I'm not going to post any of them. Too bad.

I was in the apple and egg store the other day and they had hair coloring there and I almost bought some to make my hair blonder, but then the eczema on my head has been so bad, that I thought I had better not do it, because I assume it will burn when I apply the concoction to my hair and let it sit there for 30 minutes, so I will have to go through life with my own undetermined hair color for now. Depending on what I put in it, I have ash blond or light brown hair. I have a gray hair here and there, but they don't really show up, much to my satisfaction. I do have them in my eyebrows, but I pluck them out. Those who want to be beautiful, must suffer. That's an old Dutch saying. Very Calvinistic, don't you think?

It was determined this morning during ergo therapy that, even though I don't feel depressed, I act depressed. I don't emotionally feel the pain of depression, but physically I act like a depressed person. I don't have my shit together. I empty some ashtrays and think that is quite an achievement and sit and rest and have a cup of coffee and a cigarette. A cat barfs up a hairball and I see it and do nothing, until I can't ignore it any longer and wipe it up with a paper towel. The laundry sits in the middle of the bathroom ready to go into the washing machine for five days and I just don't do it. The dry laundry hangs on the drying rack for a week. The dust accumulates until you can write your name in it. I have a blockage.

So, today when I got home, I thought, "Sod it!" and tackled a bunch of jobs all at ones to get myself out of this slump. It's like I'm sleepwalking through life when it comes to doing my work and today I wanted to put an end to that. I wanted to wake up and not only do the pleasurable things, but tackle the less pleasant jobs as well. I have to stick to the schedule, like I've said a dozen times, and do useful things every day, so that it doesn't all become so overwhelming. My body and mind are in a laissez faire attitude, but I have to wake them up and get with the program. I have to care more.

Giving myself a kick in the rearend is the best thing I can do and having to justify myself to some people is the other thing. Next week, when I go to ergo therapy, I want to say that I have tackled the problem and that I am actively sticking to the schedule. I don't want to lie about that or evade the issue. I don't want to be my own victim.

Well, the Exfactor was here this afternoon fixing my bike, because there was something wrong with the pedals, which regularly went around without pushing the bike forward. Very frustrating, of course. The Exfactor is the mechanical man and knows how to fix those things, so I call on him for help instead of going to the very expensive bicycle repairman. It was a very funny sight watching me furiously pushing the pedals around without going anywhere, but it was dangerous when I tried to get out of the way of traffic. Especially so when my bike was loaded down with groceries. Talk about taking your life in your own hands!

I also went to the tobacco shop and got my heavy duty tobacco that was especially ordered and now I have to finish the old pot before I can start on the new packs. The tobacconist is going to order them for me every week. They are packaged differently and are just a bit cheaper than what I had been buying, which makes me feel righteous. I also buy the cheapest filter tubes there are. Everything on a budget, people. I think the Überhund is the most expensive member of the family we have.

Did I tell you how sexy I find myself in my lacy leggings and my black mini skirt? I don't know if I actually am, but when I wear them with my boots I feel like a femme fatal. I am acutely aware of the shortness of the skirt and think to myself how daring that is at my age. Maybe I'll be like Tina Turner and never grow up. I've got to go back to the apple and egg store and buy more lacy leggings. They were really cheap and they had them in different colors. I must have some green ones and some in gray. I'll go there tomorrow.

Okay, I've got to walk the Überhund, but maybe not quite because I think it is raining. He is very quietly laying here beside me, so I guess we can wait a bit.

In the meantime, here are some pictures of last year's blossoming trees along the Meusse.




Have a very terrific evening, all of you.

Ciao...

A Migraine???

Across the Meusse.

I'm supposed to have a migraine and that's why I am not at ergo therapy this morning. The truth is that I only have a little bit of a headache and I very easily could have gone, but I didn't feel like riding my bike through the cold and rain, which was bad enough when I had to take the dog for a walk this morning. So, I'm taking the morning off with an excuse.

It is truly miserable outside and I want to be here in my warm and cozy apartment in my warm clothes with the heater turned on. The rain is dripping down the windows and obscuring my view of the street. All the cats are very wisely inside and the Überhund is curled up on his blanket, although he hasn't had his breakfast yet. I'm waiting for him to let me know when he is hungry.

I very wisely did my grocery shopping yesterday afternoon, just after it hailed for a few minutes and before it started to rain again. I hope I have bought enough groceries to last me for most of the week, because my bike was truly loaded and I only half dared to ride it. I walked it part of the way, because I had a very heavy shopping bag hanging from my handlebar. I had visions of the handlebar becoming undone and the bike becoming unmanageable and me laying flat on my face in the street. Luckily, none of that happened and it would have been a sort of slapstick, but also dangerous.

I bought tins of mackerel and sardines and mussels in a piquant sauce and I had those last night and they were very good. For someone who is always very suspicious of mollusks, I did a good job eating those. I tried not to think about their origins too much.

I also bought a lot of soup and extra vermicelli and plan to make a one liter pan full every day. I did that yesterday and managed to get three large bowls of soup out of it. I bought cream crackers and rusk toast and healthy margarine too. Now I have to make sure I don't eat too much of these items, so I have to balance everything nicely. Today I'm going to have mushroom soup and cream crackers.

I wasted a lot of time behind the computer yesterday. I spent quite some time on Facebook picking out favorites of everything under the sun and publishing them. There was no stopping me once I got started. I even picked my favorite beers, although I very seldom drink a beer. It goes to my head too quickly and before you know it, I'm drunk. I'm a cheap date.

I spent a lot of time on the 6S main site reading other people's 6S's and commenting on them. I published a bunch of them myself this weekend and you can read them if you click on my 6S button. They're under My Blogs.

I forgot to buy the required trash bags and will have to go back to the store, where I will also buy a package of strong tobacco instead of the half mild that I buy now. I want to try and see what the strong tobacco tastes like and if I will like it better. That's why I'm only buying a package and not a pot. The aubergine trash bags I can only buy at the supermarket tobacco counter, so I will kill two birds with one stone. Maybe I will choke on the strong tobacco, but at least I will have found out. It will be like smoking Gaulloises, but with the filter.

Créez.

Here's the last collage I made. It always bothers me that the texts are unreadable, but they are in Dutch anyway, so they wouldn't mean much to you, but still. Most of the images are from the pottery by the artist Ben Lisa. Some other images thrown in for effect. The background color is yellow and burnt sienna. I thought that gave a nice effect.

Here is a photograph of the way I look today. My right eye is a little bit swollen, I woke up with it. I don't know why. It must be the effect of old age. Still, not bad for an old lady, huh? I took ten shots to get this decent one. I always look so ridiculous on photographs and I never want someone else to take my picture, because I look like a nomad from Mongolia in them. All I need is a yurt in the background and some wild mini horses and yaks, lots of them.

Well, that's enough lingering here for me. I must do some work. I think I'm actually having problems with my sinuses and maybe I'm getting a cold, or it's just plain allergies. My eczema is really acting up too. Time to get out the cream and the lotion.

Have yourself a good day. Hope you don't get rained on and blown away by the weather too much.

Ciao...

Picture and Award.

I am sitting here with a nice mug of coffee after I have just woken up from a nice nap on the sofa. I was watching CNN News for a change, but it did not prevent me from falling asleep. I don't know about you, but I find CNN News a strange phenomenon with all those Kens and Barbies who cheerfully present the world events as if they are nothing but equally casual bits of tidbits of unimportant information. I wonder how they would present the end of the world...and now back to you, Ken.

It has come to my attention that you all would like to see a picture of me with my glasses on and since I can't ignore that request, I took a bunch of photographs of myself today and tried to look as friendly as I could. I deleted a bunch of them and then was left with a couple to choose from. I hope I picked the best one to show you, because here it is.

I don't think it is the most flattering picture of me, but I am not in the mood to sit and take a hundred photographs in order to get the best one. That would be rather obsessive.

I was also given a reward by the lovely Diane, which I really appreciate and which is this one here.

Now, I already have this one, and I think I have already handed it out, but that doesn't spoil the fun.

So, this was just a little in between post. I must go and walk the Überhund now.

Ciao...

Now, now, now...

I had my hair cut this afternoon. I was supposed to go tomorrow, but I couldn't do a thing with it, so I went today. I tried to brush it into place, but it just flopped over and played dead and no amount of hairspray helped me put it back in place. I fluffed it and I perked it up, but it was all to no avail. It just didn't want to do anything, it was beyond hairspray, it was too long.

My hairdresser was in a rush and subsequently, she cut my hair a little bit shorter than usual, but heck, I don't mind, when I got home I washed all the wax out of my hair and combed it into place and fixed it there with some hairspray and it looks fine. Now I just don't look like a hooligan anymore. I look like Julie Andrews in The Sound of Music. I took some pictures of myself, but for some reason, I can't make my eyes come out right. You be the judge. They don't look happy, but I don't feel sad now. Maybe I'm deranged.

There's been a cold wind blowing all day and it is very unpleasant to go outside. I must, because the Überhund has to go for his walks, but I don't go gladly. I have the heater on all day, because I refuse to sit here with cold hands. I've got my warm slippers on and I feel like an old lady all bundled up against the cold. I am throwing my whole image overboard this way.

I've visited Blurb.com and it looks like they've got a really good product on offer that is worth looking into when I have enough art to make it into a book. Actually...maybe I already have. I have to do some serious thinking about this. I really, really do...

I have been so caught up in myself, so very much only busy with what has been on my mind, that I have not read any blogs for a couple of days and I hope to rectify that situation soon. I must go to the google reader and see what I have missed. I am sure there wil be lots waiting for me there. I must put on my brave shoes and wade through it.

It's important that I sleep well tonight, because tomorrow is ergo therapy and I must be perky and on my toes. I am quite alert right now and wonder about falling asleep. I am drinking decaf and will take my sleeping pill and hopefully not be awakened by any rambunctious cats. Actually, I am a bit hyper and could easily walk around the block several times if it weren't for that awful wind. I will take the Überhund for one final walk in a while.

Life is a lot duller if you drink decaf. Did anyone ever point that out to you?

Mwah!

Trying hard.

I have been trying very hard to get caught up on everybody's posts through the Google reader, but it seems to be an impossible task that I can never finish and every time I go to read some more, more posts have been added and I do feel ever so overwhelmed, so if you don't find a comment from me, it is either because I have not read you yet, or I have read you, but I did not have the time or energy to comment. I do get so discouraged by it.

There is of course the very distinct possibility that I read to many blogs, but I can not make a choice between which I should stop reading, because I think they all require my interest and curiosity. They all have something to add. I try to stay loyal to the oldest ones, but get side tracked by newer ones, and there is just no end to my list of reading.

On top of that, I have a tendency to get very sleepy when I sit behind the PC reading blogs and I have to watch out that I don't fall out of my chair in a semi coma. Not because the material is dull, but because I'm prone to take naps during the day and my body wants me to move to the sofa for a nice lie down. Another sleep inducing element is the Überhund who snores right by my feet and who makes you want to curl up and sleep too.

I have changed clothes three times today, because I could not get happy with what I was wearing. It either was too cold or too bright or to revealing, until I found the perfect outfit which is just right in all areas, I will try and take a picture of it later so you can see it and I will post it here, if my arm is long enough to show you enough of it.

I am so vain now, that the main subject of my photo taking is me. I try to take pictures of myself at the cutest angles with the nicest smile. You should see all the pictures I delete in which I look like the wicked witch of the east, was it the east? Anyway, they are the ones that are most unflattering, in which all my features come together as being those of a woman whose face was put together under most unfortunate circumstances. I am sort of like Lady Di, I am not really good looking, but on some occasions, I give the appearance of.

My sister is back from her trip to Greece and I saw her just as she came home and her suitcase was laying half unpacked on the living room floor. She said she had mixed feelings about going on the trip by herself and would go on an organized trip the next time. I am sure I will get to hear the whole story some time next week when she has a spare moment.

Her dog was very happy to see her and did not move from her side and wherever she sat down, he laid down and rested his head on her feet and sort of mumbled with happiness. He expressed his happiness more than the children did. That's what dogs are really good at, unconditional love.

I am cooking rice in bouillon for the dog and me and I added a bunch of different spices to go with it to give it some special flavor. I am going for as much eastern flavor as I can and I hope it turns out okay. I can't add meat and I don't have any vegetables in the house, so it is just rice. I could have added fried eggs, but the last egg I have is a fossil and very badly needs to be tossed out.

Somehow I need to expand the variety of foods that I eat and that I can share with the dog if it turns out to be too much for me to eat. I need to take my time one of these days and walk through the store leisurely and see what sort of things I can come up with. It has to be all vegetarian and the vegetables have to be very soft. Onions would do and canned tomato chunks. I am getting pretty tired of eating the same things every day and I want some changes in my diet. If I base it on rice, that would be good, because rice is easy to digest.

They sell good ragouts at the store that I could mix with rice and they sell ready made Indonesian rice. That may all be worth a try. I must have a closer inspection of these things.

Thank goodness tomorrow is creative therapy, I do look forward to that so much. Nothing nicer than spending the whole morning being artistically challenged. In the afternoon, I and the ergo therapist have an appointment with my SPN to see how things are going and the option of me taking extra classes is going to be discussed then also. I know my SPN is trying to get me ready for the real world and I think my ergo therapist wants me to do a bit more therapy.

In the end, it all depends on what the expectations of social services are of me. I see people in therapy on disability incomes who are not worse of than I am mentally and I do have a double diagnosis and it is still unknown how well I will perform in the real world. I do fine in a safe and sheltered and predictable environment, but how will I handle the pressures of a job? That seems like an unreal and unimaginable situation to me and I don't know how to prepare myself for it.

The rice was very good. Both the Überhund and I enjoyed it very much and it is all gone and it had a very nice flavor, so I blended the spices well. No doubt he'll have to go for a walk next to unload all that food.

Well, those are all the kindly and good words I had to direct to you today. Oh yes, I didn't tell you about those forms I was upset about and now I don't feel like it. I will tell you tomorrow. I am less upset about them now, after the explanation of the Exfactor.

I hope you all paid attention to my profile picture, because I am about to change it again, I think.

Ciao...

Photograph.

After I had been up this morning to walk the Überhund and to write the last post, I was very sleepy and went back to bed. I was just getting comfortable and snug under the duvet when the doorbell rang and it was a delivery person with a package for me. I knew what was in the package, because I had ordered it 2 days earlier, but I was too tired to open the box and put it down and went back to bed and slept for 3 hours. The Überhund slept on his pillow next to me.

Then, when I woke up and I had made myself my first again cup of coffee and lit my first again cigarette, I was ready to open the box, because inside it was my new digital camera with extra rechargeable batteries and a 2 GB memory card. Yes, I know how to shop right. This was one of my embarrassing spending money moments, of which I have had several these past weeks.

I bought a Kodak Easy Share C713 on sale and it has 7 mega pixels and a zoom lens and this morning I have taken a crash course in learning to use it with the help of the Exfactor whom I had to call, because I could not figure out how to fit the rechargeable batteries in the battery recharger. There was a trick to that, that I did not know of, because they were of a different size then what I normally put in there. The batteries that came with the camera, had to be put in ass backwards, which made me unable to get the camera started until I figured that out. I did figure that out on my own.

The Überhund does not like to be a patient subject for portraits and refuses to sit still and look adorable, but then again, I have enough photographs of him and the cats, so I will not be chasing them around and bothering them much. I had the Exfactor take some photographs of me and only one turned out well enough to be posted here, so here it is:


That's me in my leather jacket and I am sorry that you can't see my boots, but I had to crop the picture to make the whole thing more attractive.

So, I hope that satisfies your curiosity about me, it certainly satisfied my curiosity about myself.

Now I am going to do something useful like take a nap or walk the dog, which are two extremes and I may do one after the other.

Ciao...