Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Shutting off the alarm clock...

This morning, I unwittingly shut off the alarm clock and went back to sleep and woke up and hour and a half later, which meant that, at my speed of getting the show on the road, I was going to be late for ergo therapy, so I made a phone call to leave a message letting them know that.

Then I relaxed and had my coffee and cigarettes in a leisurely manner until I was in a functioning mode and could take care of myself and Jesker.

There is a multitude of things I have to do in about 40 minutes time then, not to forget the cats who need clean water and milk and fresh food in their dishes. I have to pretty much do it in the proper order or else I'll forget something and leave the house without having taken my medicines or something. Mostly I manage pretty well, though, and somehow get it all done, although sometimes I forget to check Jesker's water bowl and I get home and it is empty.

So, I got to ergo therapy late and I was in the kind of mood that I really didn't care. I so didn't want to sit and listen to everybody's problems and it was hard to sit at the table and feign interest and not show boredom. I suppose that after a year, you get a little callous, not about everything and everybody, but about somethings and somebodies and I realized that I didn't want to come up with solutions and comforting words, because I didn't have any. At least not for the two people who needed them most, because they are way at the beginning of a process that I left behind me along time ago.

When it was my turn to say how I was doing, I said I was doing great and I briefly described the blip on the radar, but that it was now behind me. I don't like to sit and make a long drama out of it. It has been dealt with, it is over. No need to make a sob story out of it once again. I already did that.

I don't know. I always make short shrift of my time to speak and I always do it in the most optimistic terms. I try not to sit there as a helpless victim with an unsolvable problem. I try to be ahead of the game and already have the answers and just need help in applying them. It's possibly because I'm lucky and have a good SPN and psychiatrist, so I have people outside of the therapies to talk to.

I'm dealing with ultra rapid cycling right now and go from very good moods to low moods, but they aren't so bad that I can't face life. I just get confused and expect to be in one mood when I'm in another. Once I realized what was happening, it made it easier, but it's still a pain in the rear end not knowing which side is going to be up. Accepting the mood you're in is the best thing you can do. Embrace your mood, don't fight it. There's a lesson to be learned in each one and they're both familiar territory.

The Exfactor was here this afternoon to fix my bike. It seems that he took care of it, but I do have a funny sound now when I ride it, so maybe it is time for a new used bike. I will have to see what I'm going to do in my penny pinching mode.

Alright, with this happy tiding I'm leaving you.

The weather has been great here today, by the way, sunshine all bloody day long.



SugarCain said...

I feel very interested in what you're discovering, Irene, and yet I wish you did not have to go through all these ups and downs. I am thinking of you.

Frances said...

oh dear! It is tiring for you to deal with all this again. wishing it to pass and you back on an even keel again.

Babaloo said...

You sound like you're unhappy about the sunshine, Irene. Is it very hot?

I hate those stressful situations when I'm late for something, yet have a certain number of things to do. I always forget something. Usually the most important one. ;-)

softinthehead said...

:) I know what you mean about doing everything order or you might forget something - god forbid that the phone rings half way through my ablutions, then I spend the rest of the day trying to remember if I brushed my teeth/put on deodorant... - very stressful!

Wisewebwoman said...

Routine is what saves me too Irene and if one thing gets in the way the whole momentum is disturbed.
I hope you get on an even keel soon.

Anonymous said...

You sound almost okay about your rapid ups and downs. You sound like you're simply going with the flow and just trying to get on with living your life the best way you know how. Sounds like acceptance and learning to love yourself for who you are, to me.

And a repaired bicycle at last! I'm sure you can deal with an odd noise: after all, you coped with wonky pedals for a very long time, didn't you?

The Green Stone Woman said...

Soft in the head - Especially putting on the deodorant is a big one, because you imagine that you start to smell badly after a while. You can chew gum for better breath, but for your armpits? There's no help for it.

I always hope nobody gets it in their head to call me early in the morning, but it does happen. I tell them I have no time to talk and try to pick up where I left off, but it's hard. You've got to have a one track mind.


Exmoorjane said...

Thank you for your comment on mine - I think you're absolutely right....
Have just read right through and found myself caught up short by your Green Stone flipping wonder you have down times.
I would love to do creative therapy - spent a couple of years doing art therapy and just adored it. But what is ergo therapy?

aims said...

I hear the crispness in your tone and understand the stance you are taking right at the moment.

I go through different moods and just deal with them as they come along. But it's odd when that happens to me. I like one mood during the day instead of ups and downs. It's draining.

Maureen said...

Ah yes, I don't see the point of rehashing old events. My sister in law is famous for that... sometimes she is such a pain in the rear... ;)