Tuesday, September 01, 2009
I didn't hang up the sheets to dry yesterday. I didn't wash the dog's blanket either and I didn't apply flea drops. Don't ask me why I failed to do these things. Well, yes, ask me. I had a mild case of anxiety and it got in the way of me and I was unable to get out from underneath it, so I finally caved in and took 10 mg of Oxazepam, which is my tranquilizer and a very low dose. I watched television then and after a while I felt better and was more relaxed again. So it seems that the tranquilizers do still have their place in my life and I had to admit that to myself and made peace with it.
I dozed on the sofa and when it was time, I put on my pajamas and took the rest of my medication and then went to sleep on the sofa for the night, because I had a hunkering to sleep there and not in my bed. I felt a bit claustrophobic the last time I slept in my bed and I thought I would see how it was to sleep on the sofa, which I hadn't done in a while. Well yes, when Joost was here. I had forgotten about that. It seems like such a long time ago, but it was only a few weeks.
I didn't have any blankets over me and woke up in the middle of the night kind of chilly, but I wrapped my arms around myself and went back to sleep. I kept the television turned on low and was aware of the sound, but not directly of what the voices said, so they did not penetrate my dreams. It does make you sleep restlessly, though, and I should have gotten up to turn the television off, but I didn't want to be bothered. Those were a few movements to many.
Jesker was confused at one point and went to sleep in the bedroom. He came back after a while and slept beside me on the area rug. There was a cat laying on top of me, but when I turned over to get comfortable, she disappeared, which was good, because it was not working out well with her bony elbows in my ribs.
When I got up this morning, I was a little bit sore from having lain there. The sofa doesn't quite support my back as well as the mattress, but the soreness disappeared after I was up for a while. I turned the computer on to check my emails and spent some time petting Jesker who was in great need of a cuddle.
After I answered my emails, I shut the computer off and washed my hair, which was totally smashed on one side and sticking up very funky on the other. That's what you get when you very liberally apply wax and hairspray. It does molest your hair when you sleep on it. After I washed and dried it, I pushed it into place with more wax and hairspray and got it just right, to my amazement. Sometimes that just happens. It's when, by some miracle, you do exactly the right things.
I walked Jesker and made some cigarettes and then it was time for my appointment with my SPN. I rode my bike over there in a hard wind, but my hair could not be blown out of place and I arrived in one piece, as put together as when I left the apartment.
I told my SPN about the Oxazepam that I had taken and that sometimes, at the end of the afternoon, I feel a bit anxious and I have a harder time settling down and I find it difficult to soothe myself and to get myself in a good place where I'm relaxed and calm and serene and at ease. Actually, I'm a bit of a ball of nerves then, though it is not as bad as could be expected.
So I asked her if I could have a supply of tranquilizers that I could take as needed with a daily limit put on it that I would not exceed. She thought that might be a good idea after she asked me how I dealt with the anxiety, and called my psychiatrist and put the question to him. He agreed also and thought that was a good idea, considering I was coming off such a huge dose, so about 5 minutes later he walked into the office with a prescription for 1 tablet 4 times a day if needed.
He also told me, that while my SPN is on holiday for ten days, he is at all times available to me for the least little thing, no matter how unimportant I think it is. He says it's better to call, than not to call.
So I'm very much put at ease by that affirmation and by the tranquilizers, which I picked up at the pharmacy on my way home. It's good to know that there are people out there keeping an eye on me and who I can turn to should there be a need. I'm very much strengthened by the knowledge that I have the tranquilizers and I took one when I got home, because of the deep and reflective nature of the talk that my SPN and I had about my early childhood and how my character was then and how that compares to me now. It seems that I haven't changed very much, except for becoming more mature and wiser. I'm still a person of extremes as I've always been.
So, I hadn't hung up the laundry outside and now I'm too late, because it's raining. There's a nice steady down pour, which I enjoy, and I've already walked Jesker, so it's okay. Let it pour. I hope the laundry on the rack in the bathroom is dry, so I can hang the sheets to dry there.
I'm supposed to do my sets of three chores today, so I'm mentally preparing myself for that. It takes a little courage to get started, although I already opened the mail, but it was not a lot. There is one thing I need to call about, but there is no rush. I hardly feel any pressure. Which is good, because the tranquilizer is working and I don't think I'm capable of performing in any complicated way. Just imagine that I used to take so many of these. I don't know how I functioned before.
It's a good thing I haven't bothered to wash the windows on the outside, because it would have been a complete waste of time. Isn't that very convenient for me? Rain will cover up the grime, at least until the weather turns dry again. Then I'll have to get busy and clean them before the Fall starts, there's no more time to put it off. Maybe I can talk the Exfactor into helping me with the windows in the back. I figure it's still his dirt too and I've been nice about it. Or is that not good reasoning?
I'm turning 55 next week. I think it's one heck of a birthday, bigger than turning 50. There must be all sorts of benefits attached to turning 55, but I haven't heard about any of them yet. I hope to get some nice information about it in the mail. You always hear so much about being 55+. At least in this country you do. I want to reap the rewards and get all sorts of discounts. I'm counting on it.
Well, I suppose I'll start on my sets of chores now. I'll have to pull myself away from the computer with some effort. It isn't easy when you have an addiction, as you will all know. First I'm going to open the back door and the kitchen window to let some fresh air in.
Hope you are having a good day so far. I'm having a splendid one myself looking through rose tinted glasses.