Sunday in the wee hours.

I went to bed at 7 pm last night. I was so tired and basically all I had done all day was sit behind the computer, but I suppose that can wear you out also. I read my book for just a little while and then went to sleep and slept for eight hours, which I think is pretty darn good. I was surprised when I looked at the alarm clock and saw what time it was when I woke up. Of course, it is still early in the morning, but that just leaves me a lot of time to sit here behind the computer and have wonderful cups of coffee and cigarettes and do as I please until the day really starts. By that I mean, when the sun comes up and I have to get dressed and walk the dog and do a serious task instead of just sitting here enjoying myself.

It is only -7C outside, so not as cold as it was the night before last. Cold enough for the heater to go on every once in awhile, so it is nice and pleasant in the apartment. I have some lights on so I don't sit here in the dark too much, I mean not only with the desk lamp on, and it is very cozy. It makes me feel safe and comfortable, as if all is well with the world for right now. You do have to get your small moments of joy out of the day as much as possible and you have to find them in the little things that are very near and dear to you, such as being in your own safe and quiet space with the lights on and the cold and dark world outside. It makes you appreciate being warm and comfortable very much.

The dog is always where I am. Every once in a while he goes and finds a more comfortable place to lie down, but he always returns here to lie beside me on the rug, as if he is attached to me by an invisible cord that is unbreakable. I find such loyalty very endearing and I always find myself looking at him sleep and being so taken with that. A dog is such an innocent animal and so totally dependent on you. I always have to be steadfast and true to him, so as to not confuse him and to always make him feel secure and make his life predictable. Sometimes he gives me that look as if to say, "Is everything okay? Yes? Alright then!" Then he continues to do whatever he was doing. He assumes he is safe and safe he is, especially now that he is as good as deaf and doesn't see well. He gets treated with extra special care.

I have a good camera, but I sure do forget to use it a lot. I don't think I have even photographed my last two paintings. I must remember to do that and show those on my art blog. I always have my camera in my purse, but then forget all about it. I am not an opportunity photographer. I don't walk around the world seeing good shots. I would only do that if I had my camera in my hand and consciously thought about it. It is really a shame, because I'm probably missing all sorts of photo opportunities. Then again, maybe photography doesn't come to me naturally, or I would do it more instinctively. I think some people have a real gift for it and see the world the way you would see it through the lens of a camera constantly. Every once in a while I see a scene that I think would make a good photograph, but then I forget that I have my camera right in my purse and that I can take a photo right then and there. I suppose I haven't developed the freedom to do that and the instincts to go with it. I'm too inhibited. I guess if I have to make a resolution for the New Year, it is to use my camera more often, although I'm not a great believer in resolutions, because very often they are false promises you make to yourself. It is my intention to use my camera more often, let's put it that way. If I actually do it is something we will have to wait and see about.

It's the same way with doing art. I haven't done any at home for quite awhile. Now, I know why this is. I'm missing some essential ingredients to make the things I want to make, but still, that's only partly an excuse. I can't seem to get into art making at home the way I do at therapy. Of course, I don't have the right place to do it, except for the dining table where I always have to clean everything up immediately or else the cats will walk all over it. I have to get a table and a good lamp to put in my bedroom and get the other ingredients that I need to be able to make the art I want to create. If I was really interested, I would be getting this done, but it is like so many other things. I postpone it indefinitely, as if it is going to happen by itself some day magically, forgetting that I have to be the moving force behind it. I think I'm waiting for that spark of inspiration and interest to hit me. The one that will set me on fire a little bit. The one that makes me manic, without actually becoming fully manic.

So, you see I'm not living up to my potential in many ways and that is because of my very low energy level. Because I spend more time sitting and getting nothing much accomplished than I do moving about and being engaged in something. I have a big mental block that I can't get past. It's like a huge boulder on the road and I can't get around it, so I idle my time away in front of it. Every day I tell myself that this is the day that it's going to be different, and every day is a repeat of the day before and I achieve hardly anything. A depressed mind is a terrible thing to carry around with you. It is heavy and burdensome and nothing but a frustrating load to bear.

But now I must be cheerful, because it's still early in the morning and nothing can touch me yet. I can make myself another cup of coffee and wile away my time a little bit longer. Of course. I have to remember that it's Sunday and a day of rest and that not much bad can happen to you on a Sunday. It's everybody's day off. Even the tax office, whose blue envelope I have lying unopened on the coffee table and which I will open today. A blue envelope is never any good. That's why it's colored blue, so you won't miss it in the mail and say you didn't get it. I'm not going to worry about it. Whatever bad news is in there, I will deal with. They are not the evil stepmother and I am not a helpless Snow White. There is no Prince Charming in this story.

It would be ever so nice if there were a Fairy Cleaning Crew that would come and Micro Clean the apartment. I have a feeling that if it were clean once and for all, I would be able to keep it clean, but maybe that is a delusion. It is nice to believe in fairy tales, though. Maybe I need some wicked step sisters to put to work while I go to the ball. Oh no, that would be too much work. I would have to get all jazzed up in my finest and wear high heels and a low cut dress. I don't think so in this weather. Not unless I got to wear a fake fur coat that was especially warm.

Well, I guess that's about it for me for this morning. I hope I've kept you pleasantly entertained. I've kept myself entertained, that's for sure. It made the time pass quickly and I still can do all sorts of things.

I hope you all have a good morning and the best of days, this Sunday before Christmas.

Ciao,
Nora

Sunday, how do I love Thee.

Well, I love Sunday enough to hang up the laundry to dry and to change my bed and to visit my sister for some very good cups of cappuccino from her built in magical coffee maker that also makes hot foamy milk. We sat out on the patio and looked at the sky with much suspicion, because it was turning that color gray that means rain is coming soon, but so far it has stayed dry, which is good, because my nephew has a football game this afternoon. No, I take that back. I see it is sprinkling ever so lightly.

I don't mind this one bit, as you all know, because I get to sit inside and not worry about a thing, and I didn't hang the laundry outside to dry, knowing it was going to rain sooner or later and Jesker has been walked, so I am safe for now.

This morning I weighed 94.9 kilos and I pulled a top out of the "too small to wear bag" and put it on. It fits much better now and I'm quite happy with it. I'll look in that bag more closely and see what else is in there. I may yet have some forgotten treasures.

My sister said to me this morning that she liked my hair much better now that it had grown out a bit, so I know that the next time I have it cut they should not take off too much. I'll wait a bit before I have it cut again and then tell them to only cut off the very tips of it. A compliment is worth something to me.

I forgot to take the camera to take a picture of that very pretty tree of hers and I will probably forget it every time, because it's in my handbag and I never bring it. I only bring the dog and my cigarettes.

This morning I let Jesker off the leash at the field thinking he could have a good roam around, but he did no such thing, but walked straight home with me behind him trying to catch up. I think he is a lot deaf, because he paid no attention to me when I called him, but just kept right on going. He also doesn't react to the outside doorbell anymore. It's only when I pick up the intercom phone that he starts to bark, because he knows it means there's someone there. He used to listen to me very well and now reacts to phantom noises.

As I'm typing this, I'm listening to the Blues and some of them are very old songs and very good. They are not making me blue, don't worry. It's Deezer's Blues station I'm listening too. I listened to jazz earlier, until I had enough of that and I may go to rhythm and blues later or rock and roll. Jerry Lee Lewis! Great Balls of Fire!

It really makes a difference to have the music on while I sit behind the computer and when I do my chores. It certainly makes me livelier and puts a certain amount of happiness that was missing in my soul. I forgot what an impact good music had on me. All this time I have been living in silence when it wasn't necessary, but I thought it was what I craved. I wanted to hear a pin drop. Silly woman.

Of course, I had all those MP3 players with music on them that I wasn't all that fond off, while I liked my music at Deezer better, but the Exfactor kept saying that I mustn't have the computer on so much, so I was near paranoid about having it on all day. Now I don't care anymore. I seldom have the TV on and that uses up energy like crazy too.

The one thing I don't want to listen to though is any sort of music that has sentiment attached to it. It can't be music that at any point in my life was significant and played an important role. So, I won't be listening to any oldies from the seventies and eighties. Those worthless years.

Okay, now I've completely changed my music and gone for Baroque. Sergio Bellestracci, some obscure Italian composer, at least to me he is, I had never heard of the man until I found him on Deezer and I am trying him on for size. So far he is a little bit heavy on the flute, which is not my favorite instrument, but I'll give him a fair chance. Oh no, that flute keeps coming back. That won't do at all. I feel myself compelled to go find some Johan Sebastian Bach and Vivaldi immediately. That will be my chore for the rest of the day.

I hope you all have a peaceful Sunday with the weather of your choice and lots of peace and quiet, or with music, however you wish it.

Ciao...

Later when I should be going to bed...

I have been sitting here very cozily reading blogs and comments and commenting on blogs myself. I have a keyboard that I'm not happy with, as they keys are hard to push down and feel as if they get stuck half way down, so they don't move smoothly. It is very frustrating, because very often I think I have typed a letter when I have not, or I have typed it twice, because I wanted to make sure I typed it at all. So what I need to do is buy a new keyboard as soon as I have some extra money. I know they aren't that expensive, so I'll go to some mega computer store and get one there.

I was busy getting ready to go this morning at 9 AM and 5 minutes later the phone rang. It was my SPN wondering where I was and I said that I was getting ready for our appointment at 10 AM, but she said our appointment had been for 9 AM. Oops. So we made it a telephone appointment instead and that worked halfway decently also.

I wanted to make one thing very clear to her and that was that since the increase in my antipsychotic medication, I feel more normal than I usually do. I feel more normal than I do at any other given time. There are no gray areas, no border areas in which I think a mood can go either way and when I am in doubt about myself as to what my feelings are doing with me. I feel much more solid about myself and steady as a whole and not so rocky like I have a tendency to feel sometimes. It's like I have smooth sailing now all day long and I sleep much better too.

She asked me a lot of questions, trying to get a handle on my current mood, and I answered them as truthfully as I could and I was very up front about it and she decided that I should stay on the increased dose for a while longer, unless I start feeling depressed, which can be a side effect from it. I think I made a good case for myself, but now I realize that maybe she thinks I am still a little bit overconfident. A little bit too sure of myself and she wants to make sure that this is a true stable mood and not an effect of hypomania.

We'll see. It's true, that despite the horrid weather, I do have a little bit of springtime in my head and I am already leaving the wintertime behind me, in spite of the fact that there was a snow flurry this afternoon. The rest of the time it has been raining buckets and I have been unable to go out and buy the Exfactor his birthday present and his birthday is tomorrow. Somehow, I have to find time to buy it between my ergo therapy and taking the Überhund to the dog salon to have his haircut and bath. The Exfactor is coming over in the afternoon and I do want to have time to wrap his present properly.

I think I need to start planning things better and not leave them to the last moment, because there are always elements that are beyond my control. Like I always get my medicines refilled when I am down to the last tablet and then have to make sure a new prescription is faxed on time to the pharmacy and it is all done correctly and not for the wrong medicine like it was the other day. I take 6 kinds of medication for my disability and sometimes it is hard to keep all the medicines straight for the secretary who takes the phone messages and gets them mixed up.

I had to take the Überhund out between showers and sometimes he had to wait a while and sometimes we just had to go in the rain. At least when it wasn't pouring straight down from the heavens. He walks as close to the houses as he can, hoping not to get wet, peeing against the walls, which I am sure the home owners wouldn't be too happy about if they knew. Can you blame him, though? The cats don't seem to go out at all, but they also don't go on the litter box, so I guess they do go out, but save it up for in between the rare dry spells between the showers.

I did a good job cleaning house today. I didn't get everything done that I wanted to, but what I did, I did well. I swept all the rooms and vacuumed the chairs and wiped the sofa with a damp cloth, which took the dog hair of. It's made of the kind of material that seems to attract dog hair and doesn't vacuum off well. It just moves it back and forth it seems. It is very frustrating. I took photographs of my collages, but when I went to download them to the computer, the camera didn't work and now I'm recharging the batteries in the hope that that is the problem.

I also did a load of laundry, but I enjoy doing laundry always. I don't know why that is, maybe because they are all my clothes and I care about them. I washed the dishes, which I only need to do every other day. I enjoy doing the dishes also.

The new plants I bought are doing well. I gave them all a good soaking when I got them home and let them drain well and now they have all perked up and are looking good. I will not water them again until the soil starts to feel dry. Then I'll soak them and let them drain well again. I figure that's like getting a good rain shower to them.

Now I'll go to bed. I have to get up on time to go to ergo therapy in the morning.

I'll talk to you soon.

Ciao...

Tuesday Morning.

Yesterday morning at 8 o'clock, I was sitting on the sofa, watching the teletext news and waiting for it to be time to leave for my creative class, and a terrible tiredness fell over me and I started to fall asleep and I realized that more than anything I wanted to go back to bed and sleep some more, so that is what I did. I slept for another 3 hours and when I woke up I felt ever so much better.

I could tell that I needed to sleep some more, because I was starting to feel a little bit defeated and that is always a sign that I better go back to bed and not do anything else. If I don't get sleep when I need it, it affects my mood so much and that is one thing I don't want to happen. It did mean that I missed my creative class, but I figured that sleeping was more important at that time. I was right about that, because the rest of the day went smoothly.

The only thing I am having a problem with right now is doing the household. I am being very lax in it and I am leaving some jobs undone and just can't find the motivation to do them. I keep postponing jobs and promising myself that I will do them tomorrow and then I still don't do them. I suppose I don't care enough if they get done or not, otherwise I would put some effort into getting them done. I am so not a typical Dutch housewife.

I did do groceries yesterday and I am eking out the money that I have left until the 20th when I will get my welfare payment again. It's a challenge to go to the grocery store and buy what is absolutely necessary and not spend a penny more. There is a sport in that and I am not complaining, because I'm still better off than other people who have nothing. I count my blessings every day and I did have the added expense of the new glasses, which are not covered by my health insurance, believe it or not.

I do like a challenge when one comes my way and I can be a penny pincher just as well as the next guy and, even though I like to buy pretty things, I can withstand the allurement and close my eyes to them and walk away from something very attractive, even when it is a very good deal. I'm lucky in that I've found some shops where I can get decent clothes and accessories for a good price, because I certainly don't need to shop in the expensive clothing stores which abound here and which the town is famous for.

So far I have gotten 4 Christmas cards and yesterday I sent out 5 more and I think I need to buy another box of cards and some more stamps, because cards are coming in from people that I had forgotten. So, you see that despite myself, I am getting in some sort of Christmas mood anyway. I do enjoy sending the cards and receiving them, especially when people have gotten my surname right. That's a real big one! Some of the cards are very pretty and I enjoy looking at them. I am not at all a Christian and the purpose of the season is lost to me, but I appreciate the little rituals that come with it.

Today I get to see my SPN and I am so happy that I see her once a week, because she is one of the steady things in my week that I always look forward to. I feel very grounded when I have been there. We have tried to make our appointments every two or three weeks, but it has always been necessary to go back to once a week. I suppose it is not possible yet for me to do without her for a greater length of time. I have an enormous amount of trust in her and I like discussing my thoughts and actions with her. She always gives me good feedback.

I also have to go to the Obesitas Nurse Specialist to get weighed and discuss if my gastric band is going to be filled some more. I have to go to the hospital for this appointment and it is late in the afternoon, so it will be dark when I get home. I very often take the bus, but today I am going to ride my bike over. It's really not that far, but I always like the luxury of riding in the bus, which delivers me right in front of the hospital. Now that I write this down, I may change my mind and take the bus anyway, so I won't have to ride my bike in the dark.

The cats surprised me. I bought a box of cheaper cat food yesterday and I honestly thought they might not like it very much, but they are eating as heartily as the more expensive one. I don't understand this, because they are usually so finicky. I suppose if they get hungry enough, they'll eat what's being served. The Überhund is being finicky and I have to take away his bowl of food regularly, because it is just sitting there. I have two kinds of dog food, but I don't know what he wants anymore. Today I am going to serve some of one of them with some broth and see if he likes it that way. I have a huge bag of it and I hope he will like it. What he wants, is to live on treats.

I was going to show you my collages, but the photographs I took this morning didn't turn out well. I took them with and without flash, but I'm not happy with them, so I want to redo those in daylight. So I owe you those.

Well, that's it for this morning. I hope you all have a great day. It's foggy and 2 degrees Celsius here. What I wouldn't do for a bit of sunshine.

Ciao...

I've been bad!

I forgot to take pictures of the neighb0rhood when I walked the Überhund. Yes, can you believe it? It completely slipped my mind. I was preoccupied with other things I suppose, such as making sure I was dressed warm enough and did I need both my scarf and gloves? Then the Überhund is always in such a rush to go out. He practically drags me out of the building, accross the street and into the nearest bushes. I look like a fool in front of the whole neighborhood as I stagger behind him holding on to the leash trying not to trip over my own feet. That's just for the first little bit to get us started, after that he slows down. He just likes to make a grand exit.

I really didn't do a helluvalot today. In the morning I pretended to be a French housewife and gave it a lick and a promise. I opened the mail and found out that what I thought were bills were either not or had already been paid. Wasn't that nice? But they'll find me yet, you wait and see.

I fooled around behind the computer for a little bit, but kept getting distracted by the Überhund who decided that he needed extra attention and cats kept walking on the keyboard. It was a conspiracy, I tell you. A revolt by the beasties to get my attention, which they must not have been getting enough of. So, I did what any decent human being would have done, I turned off the computer and walked to my closet to decide what sort of clothes I was going to wear for my visit with my friend Lucien.

You would not believe this, but Lucien lives a 15 minute bike ride away from me, yet I had not seen her in a year. We had only talked on the phone about once a week. There was always some reason why we could not get together, although I must emphasize that the reason laid with her more often than it did with me. There were many times when she did not have the mental energy to make and stick to a date to meet.

So this afternoon I got on my trusty bike, all wrapped up against the cold, and went to her apartment. She had not changed one bit in a year's time and looked as matronly as always. She is younger than I am, but she dresses like a middle aged woman, which I think is a shame when you are only in your 40's.

I don't really know why we are friends, we don't have very much in common, except for our mental disorder, that's it really. We don't share any interests and are always short on subjects to talk about. We both like to shop, but we have different taste in clothes. I don't know, somehow I feel that I can't drop her, I would feel bad for her if I did. We can always talk about being hypomanic. That an inexhaustible subject.

When I got home, I spent a long time filling an MP3 stick with all sorts of piano based music. I downloaded complete albums and that took enough time, but then I got the brilliant idea to copy them to my Real Player, but much to my disgust I found out that I had to copy each song separately. Well, being stubborn I got started and once I got started and realized how much work it was, I didn't want to quit and finished it anyway. I also have an iTune Player, but I think there must be a better way to do this. I'll try to figure out something. Stubborn is my middle name, so are longevity and endurance.

One of these minutes, I am going to have to own up to the fact that it is time to go to bed, but I am so wide awake that I can't quite picture myself doing that yet. Maybe it will help if I take my medications and put my pajamas on.

Okay, that's what I am going to do, so you all have yourself a good night or a good morning, whichever comes first.

Ciao...

Happy, happy, happy, happy days.

As I predicted, I was pretty much over the flu this morning. I was only really thirsty for one large glass of juice and my throat was only a little bit sore. I only had a little bit of the chills and hardly any sore muscles, so I chose to ignore all of that and declared myself well again. That is ever so much better than having to declare yourself sick and not being able to do a thing about it, although I think taking the day off yesterday and resting a lot has helped me get over the worst of it.

I very cheerfully had my morning coffee and my cigarettes and more coffee, because do you know a better way to wake up? Then I very cheerfully got dressed and took my medicines and gave the Überhund his and we went for our walk. It had frozen during the night, but there was no wind, so it was actually nice out with the sun shining. I do really like that kind of weather, providing I am dressed warm enough. It's when the wind starts blowing that I really start to mutter swear words under my breath.

I took my time getting to ergo therapy, because I had to make myself a batch of cigarettes and I knew I didn't want to sit out in the cold on the deck smoking cigarettes with my espressos.

At ergo therapy I realized something that has been happening to me lately and that is, that whatever good mood I have, slowly goes to pieces the longer I sit in the group and listen to everybody's story about their week. I literally sag in my chair and I sag in my mind too at hearing all the tales of gloom and doom and all the excuses of people for why things can't be done differently, and how hard their lives have been, and how they ought to be the exception to the rule when it comes to trying to handle something differently, and I find myself becoming depressed and angry and irritated.

You see, of the original group of 8 people, there are only 3 of us left that were there from the beginning. Everybody else is new and they are not winners. They are negative people who act as if they are being forced to be there against their will and who have a resistance against change. This opposed to how positive and optimistic the group was before. It is very draining and I feel the energy seeping out of me.

During the break, I told the therapist that I was considering leaving the group for those reasons and she asked me to discuss it with my SPN first and that we could make a decision then and find another activity for me. Which will be fine with me. After 5 months of that group, I think it has been enough.

So, anyway, when I got home, I needed to do some grocery shopping and I made a list and bought enough food, I hope, for the next 6 days. As you will know by now, my bike was loaded and precariously I made my way home, always worried about taking the curves too wide and thinking I will run into a car. I am an accident waiting to happen. I just hope that everybody stays out of my way and sees me for the danger I am.

Once I unloaded all the groceries, the sofa looked very appealing and I laid down on it and pulled the yellow blanket over me and fell sleep for a few hours. That was so wonderful, it really helps me get over that bump in the day and I know I need the sleep, because I would not last the day without it. The Überhund woke me up, because he wanted to go out and with renewed vigor we walked around the block.

He really likes the dog food I have for him very much. You can see him eat it with much pleasure. I've also changed the cat food and I think they like this one better, although it is too early to really tell, being the finicky beasts that they are. I am going to make them finish the old cat food too, so I will give them two dishes, one with each cat food and see which they prefer.

I keep forgetting that I own a camera now and that I should be out there taking photographs. I could just start with my neighborhood, where I walk with the Überhund, and expand it from there. I'll try to remember to do that tomorrow. I am just trying to figure out if I'll do that with or without the Überhund, considering the logistics of poop baggies etc.

Now it's time for me to watch some dumb TV, hopefully not, hopefully some intelligent TV.

Have a good evening.

Ciao...

Tough Broad Boots.

I couldn't find an exact image of my boots, but this one comes close. I have a bit more metal decoration on the straps, making them look a little bit tougher, I think, but either way, you get an idea of what they look like. They are very comfortable and I put them on in the morning and don't even bother taking them off when I get home like I usually do with my shoes to slip on something more comfortable. They sound tough too when I walk in them and I am even thinking of having the heels reinforced with a little bit of metal, so they won't wear down so quickly.

Anyway, you see how between the spiky hair and the tough boots, I just need to have a leather jacket for my whole image. Someone told me about several second hand clothing stores today where I may find one and they can also be found on the open air market. Wouldn't it be really cool if I got one? It would be so awesome. I need one with a lot of pockets. I am full of excitement.

Today was another ordinary day in the life of this 54 year old. I slept until 7 AM. Can you believe it? That is late for me and didn't give me much time to contemplate my navel, because I had to make cigarettes and walk the Überhund and get dressed and ready to go to my ergo therapy.

I thought about being late and contemplating my navel longer, but I really like to be there on time and spend some time out on the roof deck with the other smokers and drink espressos. It gets me in the proper mood and there is always somebody with a story that is interesting to listen to and you wouldn't believe how normal these people are. If you met them in the street or at a party, you wouldn't know that they were receiving intense therapy and taking medication. They're just an ordinary average slice of the human population. They could be anybody.

Today, 4 of us sat around a large sheet of paper with watercolor crayons and all of us had to draw whatever, but one of us had to try and control our act of drawing and we took turns doing that without speaking. It was very interesting what came out of that and how people interpreted what control is and how to implement it and how you decide to let yourself be controlled by another person. My interpretation of control is total dominance and to rule completely or to not let myself be controlled at all by not even giving the controlling person the chance to do that. So, it is all or nothing with me. Other people have no control over anybody, they just get waltzed over. They are too nice to do it. I am not too nice. Thank goodness, but I am not subtle, I have to learn that. I'm like a Tasmanian Devil and just scrawl that crayon all over the place regardless of who is doing what where.

We talk about these things afterwards and stop and pay attention to how we go about applying those 'skills' in our lives. Survival techniques. We are asked to look at them and see if we can do it differently. Huge lessons are learned.

I think we are way ahead in the game compared to a lot of people in the outside world who just go stumbling along, oblivious of their motivations and their limitations, constantly caught in the same traps. You see some people going through enormous changes.

The Exfactor was here this afternoon and I see him struggling with the same issues at his work year after year and never reaching any sort of resolution, but always getting upset about them and having them be a big subject of his conversations with me. Unresolved issues will gnaw away at you and leave you very frustrated and stressed, especially if they dominate your thoughts and you seem to have no ability to change them.

The Exfactor did bring his camera and take my picture, even though the light wasn't all that great, but you do get some impression of what I look like now. I must get a camera of my own, it is one of the first things I want to get as soon as I am financially more comfortable. I haven't quite decided what I want to get, but it has to be affordablle, of course. I like the camera that the Exfactor has, but I think I want to get something else. Something a little heftier.

I think it is fine if the Exfactor comes here once a week or so to drink a cup of coffee or two and have a talk with me. It gives me a realistic picture of how he is and not some idealized remebered one that doesn't exist anymore. It's good to see the real Exfactor and to listen to him talk and to know that that is not the person I want to spend my life with ever again. The Exfactor I fell in love with 15 years ago is gone and even the friendship that we had then is not there anymore. We've really grown apart and there is no use crying over spilled milk.

He did think that the idea of the party was a good one, as I invited him too and I said the Paramount could come, but he thought that she would not be comfotable with that, so he would come on his own. I have some people in mind to invite and the idea is slowly taking shape in my head. Maybe we can make it a happy divorce party, because it may just be possible that we will be divorced shortly. I am expecting to get the papers in the mail any day now.

The thing is, that I feel so very much divorced already and I am in all ways except by a formality. I think having my own name back was the clinger and using that on all paperwork now makes it very real and tangible. I really am this person named Irene Sieders and glad of it.

Wel, now I need to go check my bank account balance and see if my subsidies have been deposited yet and if they have, I can go grocery shopping. Luckily, it is almost pay day, but that is always such a fickle event that I never know when exactly to expect it. Don't let anybody ever convince you that it is easy to live on a governmental handout. There is a lot of stress involved. It would be much better to have a fair paying job.

Well, kiddos, make the best of what is left of the day. I think I will grab something to eat and get ready to watch the news after I see if I have any money.

Ciao...