Full of longing...

The headache that I thought was gone is back with a vengeance and I also have that pain in my neck again. They're both on the right side and all I can think is that it feels like a migraine but it's lasting an awful long time. I've made an appointment with the GP for tomorrow afternoon just to make sure I don't need an antibiotic or an antihistamine, although officially I'm not supposed to be allergic to anything. It is a bother and I don't like having to take paracetamol all the time. 

Other than that I'm in great shape. At least I am mentally and that counts for a lot in my book. To me that's the most important thing. I don't mind there being something physically wrong with me as long as I'm mentally okay. 

I saw my therapist today and I had a good session with her. There's always some work to be done and she doesn't make it easy on me. And I don't want her to. I don't want her to mollycoddle me. Let her make it as hard on me as she can. I need to be able to take a licking. 

Cutting down on the anti-psychotics has worked out well and isn't bothering me at all like you maybe would expect it to. Sometimes cutting down on a medicine is a problem and it doesn't go well. I no longer feel depressed and can enjoy the good weather. I would even more if I didn't have a headache. 

I don't feel the need for a nap this afternoon because I've also cut down on the tranquilizers and have more energy now. I don't feel like lying down all over the place. I've also had some coffee and that perked me up quite nicely.

The weather is great, although I've heard that it's going to be less so in a while. I haven't watched the weather forecast in a few days but it is said that the temperatures are going to drop a lot. That we're even going to need our winter coats. I'm not too pleased about that because it means that I'll have to close the windows and turn on the heater again. I was more than ready for it to be nice weather from this point on. 

The birds are singing in the trees as happily as they always do. They have their hearts set on springtime. It's a joy to listen to them. There's a large variety of them that all take their turn being noisy at different times of the day. I hope they are smart and stay out of the cat's way. I would hate for her to come home with one like she did last year. I didn't realize that she was such a hunter. 

The dog is lying on the floor in the light of the sun that's shining in through the windows. He is basking himself. It must feel glorious after the long winter of hardly any sunshine in the living room. I still have to make an appointment to get his fur trimmed. He looks like a wooly mammoth now. All he needs are a couple of baby tusks. He already has the large ears. 

I've got to go do a load of laundry and change the bed. It is time for clean sheets. I have a longing for them. I hope my head can stand me bending over to change them. It will be worth the sacrifice and to go to bed tonight in a clean bed. 

I hope you're all having a good day.

Ciao,

Irene

Some coffee first, please...

I had to bring myself back to life with a cup of coffee before I could even think about writing this post. I was in sorry shape. I had gotten there without me really realizing it until I noticed that I was yawning an awful lot and couldn't concentrate on what I was doing. 

Luckily, a pot of coffee was quickly made and cup even more quickly poured. I drank it in a hurry and I'm starting to feel a bit better now. I'm not quite back to normal, but I'm on my way and expect to be in great shape in just a little while. I have to be patient enough to let the caffeine do its work and it will do that as if by magic. 

Aren't I always the eternal optimist? Just give me a cup of coffee and a cigarette and all will be well in my world. There's not much that can go wrong then. I do have a tendency to live in the moment and not think ahead too much. Whatever goes well now is of importance. I'll see about the rest later. 

The Exfactor was here this morning and put some order to the spare bedroom and he will be emptying it on Thursday. I'm so glad about that because I thought it was never going to happen. I'm happy that he finally gave me a day on which it is going to take place. There are a lot of things to move and he's done the preperatory work. I will have to do some sorting myself too and make sure that everything that needs to go actually does.

It does remind me to never save anything that I have any doubts about. If it's not absolutely necessary that I keep it, out it goes immediately. There will be no more spare room to put it in. I will have to be ruthless about making my choices. Life is about holding things down to the bare minima anyway. It doesn't pay to hang on to obsolete items. That's just so much bagage that you don't need to carry around with you. 

It was a lovely day today. We had sunshine and great temperatures. It was warmer today than it was yesterday. It was very nice to take the dog for a walk, especially if we stayed out of the shade which we did for the most part. The hedges are green now and there are birds hiding in them. There are also bees buzzing around and daisies and dandelions in the grass.  The fruit trees are also blooming.

Because I have the windows open. I hear the birds start to sing very early in the morning before it gets light. It's a joyous sound and makes me happy. It's nice to fall back asleep to. That's an understatement. 

Well, I'm all done getting back to normal now and I will end this post. I can't blather on forever. 

I hope you'll all have a wonderful evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Unbelievably so...

Spring is here. I´ve seen the proof of it all over the place today when I was out taking the dog for his long walks. I paid close attention to everything in nature and saw green buds and new shoots on hedges and rose bushes and other plants. I also saw lots of bulb plants popping out of the ground and I saw my first tulips blooming. 

There were perennials that had new leaves and weeds underneath the hedges that were multiplying. There were even new daisies in the grass. Once I started looking carefully, there turned out to be new life everywhere. What at first had seemed like bare gardens, turned out to be places full of promise of things to come. I´m thrilled to pieces. 

Because the weather was also decent, it was a pleasure to be out there and I made the walks longer than I had planned to. The dog is just going to have to get used to it. We´ll keep going out there and making longer rounds all the time. There´so much to discover and enjoy. I do have to bend over bushes and plants regularly to inspect them for new growth. It´s not always obvious right away, whle with some others it´s clear to see. 

I´m so thrilled that today I saw these signs of spring because now I know that it´s really on its way and that we´re moving in the right direction. It is March, after all and not much bad weather can hit us now. I´m full of hope. My good mood can´t be beat and I will keep being upbeat now untill the end of the summer, even well into the fall. I´ve been waiting for this moment for a long time. 

For me this means the liberation from winterrtime and it will really be complete when we set the clocks ahead one hour on the weekend of the 24th.  That will mean that it will stay light longer in the evening and I´m all for that. It means taking the dog for longer walks then too. The poor dog does have to walk a lot. 

I actually still get very sleepy and groggy during the day. I solve that with drinking coffee and taking naps. If I drink coffee and then go for a walk with the dog, it serves me well. I get lots of energy out of that. Taking a nap is a nice option too, but I don´t always want to do that. It´s okay in the morning when I haven´t slept enough yet anyway., but I don´t want to waste the rest of the day on them. 

I know I should go for a walk now, but I´m too tired to go and besides, I´m wearing my bathrobe and am nice and warm. The dog will have to go out back. 

Oh, in the morning that bird is back singing its beautiful song. It´s a long song and it takes a while for it to get through it. It sings it with a little bit of variation the whole early morning. It´s like it´s having a monologue. It sure is pretty.  I can´t see the bird, so I have no idea what it looks like. 

Oh, I just did some research and I found out that it is the European Blackbird or the Turdus Merula. If you look it up on YouTube you can hear its song. Mine just sounds so much better. He must be a pro. Maybe he speaks the local dialect. 

Well, I´ve sat here long enough and wasted my time. I´ve done other things while I was supposed to be writing this. You can´t trust me to stick to the job at hand. I´m now listening to the soundtrack of a rainstorm. It is very pleasant to listen to, though I have to say that I´m very glad that it´s not raining like that outside. It would be good to fall asleep to, though. 

I just had some whole grain bread with butter. It was a joy to eat, but I´m awfully full. I won´t be able to eat or drink anything for quite a while. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Irene

Irene´s Dutch Diva Blog.

Up early and then some...

I tell myself that there's nothing wrong with being up early on a Sunday morning and at least I found out now when the first birds sing. I did need a cup of coffee before I could convince myself of that notion and my medicines. It's after these mood altering substances had done their work that I could see the bright side of being up this early. Well, if there is a bright side to it. 

There is some doubt in my mind about that and I think I need another cup of coffee before I'm really convinced of it. But the fact is, that I'm wide awake and truly done sleeping and that even if I went back to bed, I wouldn't sleep any more. My bed is no longer an alluring place to go to. I'm all done laying down in it. I've spent enough time there. 

Today is my one and only child's birthday and, although she lives far away, I do feel in a festive mood as if I have to celebrate all by myself the day that I gave birth to her. The memory of that day is very clear in my mind and will not easily be forgotten. I couldn't believe how incredibly painful it was to give birth. Nobody had prepared me for that. But can anybody explain that properly to you?

I will call her later today. It's not the same as being there, but it's the next best thing. 

It's slowly getting light out and in a while I will take the dog for a walk. First I've got to pick out some decent clothes to wear. Something that befits a sunny Sunday because that's the kind of weather it's going to be. It will be cool, but there will be lots of sunshine. 

I hope you'll all have a great day.

Ciao,

Nora

Clean hair and lose jeans...

The skinny jeans that I washed in hot water and tried to shrink down to a size 12 are still too big and I can slide them down without unbuttoning or unzipping them. That's handy when you have to go to the toilet in a hurry.

They look alright, it's my secret that they are a little bit too big. Only I know. They don't fall down all by themselves. It's not as bad as that. And they are comfortable to wear, that's important. They don't scrunch my intestines together.

I walked the dog in them and they stayed up alright, even when I bent over to pick up the poop. That was my biggest worry. I didn't want to have to stand there on the sidewalk and have to hitch up my jeans.

And I have incredibly clean hair. After I washed it, I dried it with the towel just to the point that I could get it into a good do that was flattering and that I sprayed with some hairspray to stay in position.

I have such fine flyaway hair that even applying the hairspray makes it alter the do, so I have to be very careful and not spray it on directly but at an angle. I have clean hair more often, but I don't always get it to look right like I did now.

I should be oohed and aahed over.Since there's no one here to do that, I'll have to do it myself when I look in the mirror.

I'm wearing a perfectly clean summer cardigan straight from the drying rack. It smells like washing powder and I'm being very careful not to get it dirty. The dog climbed on me earlier and he had wet paws. Luckily, he left no evidence on my clothes. He does still think that he's a lap dog.

The cat left a dead bird in the bedroom this morning and I stepped on it with my bare feet. I didn't screech, but it was an unpleasant surprise. I disposed of it under the jasmine bush on the patio where it will decompose naturally. I've seen the process before.

Neither animal shows any interest in it now and it just lies there being a dead bird. I'm getting used to this and no longer feel much emotion with it. There are numerous birds in the trees that grace the patio and I hear them chirping all day long. A casualty is bound to fall every now and then. That does not mean that I'm not sorry.

It's time for me to eat dinner. My stomach is starting to growl. I've also got to see if there's anything special on TV until 'Wallander' comes on later on tonight. I think the dog wants to go out one more time. He sure acts as though he does. He's pacing very impatiently.

I hope you will all have a good Saturday night.

Ciao,
Nora

I'm not giving up yet.

After fooling around with the templates, I haven't gone to bed yet. I'm as wide awake as I was before. I don't know what's to become of me at this rate. I'm sure I'm in for some sort of trouble. It's normal that people get tired eventually and go to sleep, but I seem not to be bothered by that. I wish I got good and tired and that I  was so sleepy that I could hardly keep my eyes open, but that's not the way it is.I'm doomed to be alert and awake.

I have to pass the time and at this time of the morning I know of only one way to do it and that is to sit behind the computer and blog. It hardly seems to matter that I have hardly anything to say. It seems that any kind of nonsense will do. At least, it seems that way to me. You may feel differently about that. I'm sure you'd like to read something entertaining.

The cat walked in a little while ago with a bird in her mouth. I was able to rescue it and it seemed pretty much intact. I released it outside and I hope it makes its escape and isn't caught again. The cat stayed inside for a while and was somewhat stunned that I'd taken the bird away from her, but she went outside a while ago. I fear for the worst. I just hope that she doesn't bring it inside again.

The dog was very interested in the proceedings and followed me outside when I released the bird, but in the darkness he couldn't see where it landed. He did search for it, but I got him back inside. It's always something with those animals. They are not kind to their fellow creatures, at least not to those in the wild.

That was enough of an adventure for this morning. I don't want any more little creatures inside. The early birds were chirping so cheerfully too. Then that murderous cat had to come along.

I've been drinking milk for a long while now and have just taken my medicines. Maybe they will make me tired. Very often they do. They and the milk seem to settle me down anyway.

At least today is Saturday and a weekend day. All I have to do is fold the dry laundry and do the dishes. There's a big stack of them. You all know that it's my favorite chore. I'll have to go through the apartment and pick up dog hair too. It's floating around. The place really does need to be vacuumed twice a week.

I've started to yawn. I think this is a sign to go to bed and this time I'm serious. I will not fool around any longer.

Have a great weekend.

Ciao,
Nora

Two cups of coffee...

I was so exhausted yesterday evening. I sat here behind the computer and almost toppled over from tiredness. I tried to resist it, but ended up going to bed before it was 7 o'clock, I think. It was early, anyway. I had clean sheets on my bed, so it was wonderful to get in it, and I fell asleep almost instantly.

I left the bedroom door open, because I've found out that Tyke pretty much stays there anyway for most of the night and doesn't get into trouble in the rest of the apartment. He's right beside the bed when I wake up. That's good, because I prefer sleeping with the door open. I don't like to be in a room with the door closed.

I've got a bit of claustrophobia that I've learned to live with really well and I do see the need for closed doors. I mean, there are circumstances under which a door needs to be closed, but all the doors in the apartment are open and I even go to the bathroom with the door open so all the animals can go with me.

I woke up very early in the morning and had a glass of milk first for the thirst, but then realized that I really did need that cup of coffee to function well and get the last bit of sleep out of my mind. It did its job and I soon performed up to par, so a cup of coffee does have its uses. Then I took a long time deciding if I was going to have a second cup and finally decided that I would, but this will be my last one, because I'm more than fully awake now.

I remembered to get on the scale this morning and I have lost 3.5 kg since I have been on the new medication. So. if I want to get to the weight that's supposed to be perfect for me and my age, and that is reasonable, I have to lose 14 kg. I think that will happen automatically without me worrying about it. I'm not making any effort now and I'm not obsessed by it. I will remember to get on the scale every now and then and keep track of how I'm doing. I'm not going hungry, but have lost my appetite for food and am easily satisfied. The Nutella is taking care of my craving for something sweet to eat and it's nutritious too.

Drinking fruit juice makes me sad. I've had that suspicion for a while, but now I am sure of it. It seems like a strange theory, but it's true and I'm not going to drink it anymore, because I had clear proof of it yesterday. I drank a glass of it after I hadn't had it for a few days and was sad for a few hours afterwards. I didn't know how to undo it, but wait it out. It finally passed after I had something to eat and took my medicines. People can have an intolerance for food, but I wonder if that can also affect them emotionally. I have a feeling it can. I think wine makes me sad too.

I think it's because I feel so good now most of the time, that I notice it very quickly if I don't and can find the cause and effect quickly too. I think a lot of times emotions are nothing more than the chemical reactions that take place in your body and mind. Shortages and overdoses happen and your feelings are a result of that. Why else do we have alcoholic beverages and foods that are pleasurable and nicotine and drugs? We have pleasure centers in our brains with chemicals that make us feel good. If you have a shortage there, you're not going to feel so good and you'll eat a chocolate bar to feel better, or have a drink, or sniff cocaine or any number of things. In my case, some of those things make me feel bad. They have an adverse effect.

This morning, very early, I heard all the birds sing as they woke up. I could hear them clearly, because all the windows are open at the top and that really does make a difference. It's a shame that their chirping doesn't last longer, because it's so cheerful and I would love to live in a wood and hear all the birds wake up. I can't identify any bird by sound, except the mockingbird, and he doesn't live in this country. We used to have one in our front garden in Costa Mesa and I always liked listening to him.

I've taken my medicines a while ago and high time it was too, though I may be reacting to that second cup of coffee. Maybe I shouldn't have had it, not being used to so much caffeine now. It makes you jittery. It's much better to just stick to the one cup. These are lessons you learn as you go along. You realize what sort of junk you put in your body and how unnecessary that is. More is not better. If one cup works well, than two cups don't work better.

It's cloudy and 12C outside. It's only going to be 13C today, not as nice as yesterday, but still in the double digits. We must remain optimistic and I have the windows open and the heater turned off after all. Oh, I just looked at the 10 day forecast and it doesn't look very good at all. I will be closing the windows again and turning on the heater. Darn, that's a shame. March is not very willing. We'll have to wait until April for the good weather.

I'm going to take Tyke for a walk. He doesn't know that yet and is sound asleep here by my feet. He's already had his breakfast and is now digesting it.

Have a great day!

Ciao,
Nora

Happiness.

As of Sunday last week, after that long nap in the afternoon, I started coming out of my depression and climbed the hill back to the top until I got there. As of this morning, when I woke up at 5:30 am, I am standing on the highest peak and looking at the world all around me and finding much happiness in it. I am alive again. I speak, I laugh, I am animated, I am interested, I am full of fun, I am wonderfully present and I could go on and tell you how good I feel, but you'll have to take my word for it.

It's a most precious and exciting thing to be this alive. Everything about me seems to shine and I feel like a new person in a new skin with a new outlook. I could embrace the world and let everybody know how happy I am with them. Well, I do my best to convey that message and I radiate positivism and it bounces back to me. You are a mirror to the world and what people see in you gets reflected back to you. People cheer up, because I'm cheered up. I actually have conversations with people, because I am awake and alert and on the ball.

So, I had a very early morning to start with and that suited me just fine, because I was alert from the start and didn't sit around trying to figure out who I was and what day it was. I very cheerfully made myself a mug of coffee and even got a little bit of computer time in, which was a nice way to waste an hour or so. And then I very quickly got dressed and while I was doing so, at eight am, my upstairs neighbor rang the doorbell and wanted to spend a whole hour with me while she waited for her taxi. Well, of course I wasn't about to, so I told her that I was getting ready and that I would be leaving soon. Can you imagine, at eight am?

I finished getting ready and walked the dog and hopped on my bike in the sunshine and got to the clinic early, where I sat on the deck with an espresso and had a lovely conversation with a man who is in two of my creative classes, but who I never had a good talk with. So that was nice and let me tell you, first impressions don't mean a thing, because that man is ever so nice and I didn't think he was when I first met him. He is ever so much smarter and interesting than he gave the first impression of.

Pretty soon the rest of the people started showing up and it got busy on the deck and there was a lot of joking around going on. Joviality all over the place, at least that's how I experienced it. I am seeing everything through rose tinted glasses, so my view of the world is very benign. I am like the kindly mother looking with great fondness at all her dear children.

I hollowed out my sculpture that I made last Friday and got as much clay out of it as I could without ruining it, Then I had a long hard look at the picture of the next sculpture I was going to make and tried to figure out all the different shapes and angles and what was there that I couldn't see. I was gathering my courage and then got a big block of clay and thought, "Oh my God, where do I start?" Well, you dig in at one point and just start with one section and hope for the best. Slowly things begin to make sense after you've made all kinds of mistakes that you correct along the way. Clay is very forgiving that way.

Soon it was break time and we all took our coffees into the stinking smoker's room and because we were all women we talked about boobs and diets and bums, which was cause for great hilarity, because some of us had too much of them and some of us not enough. There was only one person there with a nearly perfect figure and she wouldn't have believed it if you had told her.

Then it was back to the clay again and we worked like regular artists, with high concentration and hardly a word between us, except to say help if we got stuck. The morning goes by too quickly and before you know it, it is time to clean up and get all the clay dust of your clothes.

I pedaled my bike home very merrily, although it looked like it was going to rain, but that never manifested itself. I came home and fed the Überhund and took him for a walk, wearing a jacket against the chill wind. It's cooled of quite a bit now and it's not very warm outside and it is overcast. I'm wearing an extra cardigan, because I have the windows open on a crack to air the apartment.

The Exfactor was here for 15 minutes having a cup of coffee and he is going to pick up Nouri on Thursday or Friday afternoon and take her home with him. Officially he is not supposed to have any pets, but since he has all linoleum, he is going to take a chance and see if he can get away with it. I'll be glad when she's gone, because I can't live with the pressure of her doing her business in the neighbor's flowerbed. The Exfactor has already informed the neighbor.

There are many birds chirping outside and I wonder if that has to do with the change in the weather. Of course, it sounds like they are making many happy sounds, but maybe they are saying, "Hey, get in your nest, it's going to rain." Or, "There will be nice rain worms out in a while."

I've made a change to my other blog. I no longer show different images with a randomly generated title there. I now show Altered Images and that is the name of the blog too. So far, I have altered the Exfactor's images, because I have so many of them, but I will do my own too. You can go there here. I hope you enjoy them and notice the difference between the originals. I will do one a day. Bookmark this page.

I looked especially spiffy today with my gray toned empress dress and my gray leggings and my gray bolero, all just different shades of gray with a green necklace. I got complimented on it by a good dresser herself. It does my heart good. Ton sur ton. It works if you do it right.

Here are some pictures I just took:





Have a super splendid rest of the day with sugar on top and whipped cream on the side.

Ciao...