Don't bite my head off...

I stayed up early this morning and did not return to bed to catch another forty winks like I usually do. I just didn't feel like sleeping and I wanted to get the day started because that's the sort of mood I was in. Bed didn't seem at all appealing to me, even though I hadn't had that much sleep the night before. I was wide awake and the day could start for all I cared. I was ready for it. 

I showered and picked my outfit with care and was pleased when I was put together. The effect was pleasant enough if I pulled in my stomach and remembered to keep it pulled in. I also have to remember to do more sit ups. 

I walked the dog in the silent streets because nobody was out there yet. It was too early and it was cold. There was frost on the grass and on the windshields of the cars, but the sun was out and it promised to be a nice day. 

When I got home, I did my chores one by one while taking little breaks in between to watch the news. It was during one of these breaks that I remembered that my personal helper wasn't going to be here that morning because she had a week's vacation. That meant that I had some free time ahead of me that I had to spend wisely.

I decided to take the dog for a long walk to see if we could find any more wildflowers. We walked south toward the edge of town and skirted it eastward along a green pathway. I saw some more buttercups, but nothing else yet. There were lots of green plants growing, but I could not identify them without their flowers. There was lots of promise there anyway. 

We walked along a neglected path by a field, but the situation was the same  there until we were in the civilized world again. Here people didn't have very exciting gardens to look at. Mostly hedges and green shrubbery, there weren't any flowers yet. It was too early in the year for much color. I think I had been expecting too much at the wrong time of the year. 

We finally made it home and I made myself some coffee and gave Tyke a milk bone.  Gandhi was sound asleep on my bed like she had not even missed us. She probably had lots of peace and quiet and appreciated it very much. Tyke was tired from his outing and almost forgot to bother her. She's had a very peaceful afternoon on the sofa. 

I decided that I enjoyed looking for clothes in my closet so much that I wanted to do it again and I picked out a whole new outfit to wear. I's something I hadn't worn yet and I'm equally pleased with it. I also decided that I needed to wear some different earrings, so I changed those too. This all makes my life more interesting. I do like to make it exciting for myself. 

I have to go and walk Tyke one more time. We won't go too far this time. It's very nice outside now and it's tempting to go for a longer walk, but I need to eat and I've got to make some dinner when I get back. Tyke's waiting impatiently. 

Have a good evening.

Ciao,

Nora

Outside it's raining...

I have to keep in mind that I'm an optimist otherwise I'd forget about it. I'm in search of my good mood because I just woke up from a nap. At this moment everything seems sort of dreary and dark, but that is doubtlessly also because of the gray and damp weather. The cobwebs that are still in my head from sleeping are adding their own shadows to my present outlook. 

I have made a cup of coffee and I'm counting on the caffeine getting me over this somber state of mind soon. It doesn't do at all to sit around feeling burdened by pessimism. That's not how I normally go through life and I think it doesn't suit me at all. I'm not a doomsday thinker and I do always assume that every cloud has lots of silver linings. 

I always very much look forward to my nap in the afternoon, but I have to tell you that it's a struggle to come back to life when I wake up from it again. The first few seconds I think I'm okay, but when it comes to functioning it's a whole different story. Suddenly everything seems unsurmountable and I think I can't make it through the rest of the day. 

Luckily, I know this is a temporary condition and I'm only momentarily fooled by it. I know I have to take action. I have to mentally point myself into a whole different direction and completely overhaul my attitude. And make myself some coffee.

That's just what I've done and I'm already starting to feel better. I've even had something to eat. I mustn't neglect my stomach and feed it on time. I can easily ignore hunger pangs and only feel them in my subconscious where they hardly register. I have to be really hungry before I realize it. Eating is not a big item on my agenda. It's something I have to do to survive, but because of my gastric band, it's not something I do with a lot of pleasure. 

It keeps raining and I still have to take Tyke out. I will have to choose an opportune moment when it's not coming down too hard. Tyke is sitting in front of the window looking longingly outside. He wants to be out there very much. I don't think he realizes how wet it is. I will have to let him out back first. 

Gandhi was out there for a little while, but came back in quickly. She's a typical cat and dislikes getting wet. She has yet to enter the bathroom when I'm taking a shower, unlike Tyke who sticks his head around the curtain and licks up the soapy water.

Have a good evening, all of you. 

Ciao,

Nora

By Moonlight...

Four hours of sleep is not a lot, but that's all I've had so far. This means that I will have to go back to bed later and sleep some more, but I can't sleep late, because my Belgian personal helper is coming at eleven o'clock this morning. I also still have to clean up the kitchen, which is a bit of a mess. I'm not about to let her see how much of a mess it is, so I do have to get it organized. I suppose I'll do that before I go back to bed.

If I'm going to do that, I may as well stay up and take a shower and get that out of the way and get dressed and when I get to that point, I may as well forget about going to sleep again. I may take a short nap on the sofa, but that will be it. 

I've got no one to blame for it but myself, as I could have cleaned up the kitchen this weekend, but was too preoccupied. I was having too good a time to do it and I do like putting things off until the last minute, feeling that I'm better able to do them then. I work well under the pressure of time. It motivates me. 

I was in an excellent mood yesterday, despite the fact that it was the second day that I had so radically reduced my medicines. It didn't seem to bother me at all, after I thought that it had on Saturday. That must have been a figment of my imagination. I feel better than I have in a long time and it is noticeable in my whole demeanor. Even I can observe myself and see that I function better. I'm not a slow slug anymore.

As Sundays go, it was a good day. I never have very high expectations of that day, so anything that goes well is icing on the cake. It was a sunshiny day and not too cold and it was a pleasure to take Tyke out in my not so heavy leather jacket and winter scarf. We walked a little bit of a different route and Tyke had many opportunities to be very macho and assert himself with typical young male dog behavior. It included a lot of general growling and posing. He does have a busy life once he gets outside. It's a lot of fun to watch him. 

I visited my sister and her friend in the afternoon and rode my bike over there. It is finally possible to ride my bike again, but I do notice that I'm a little bit out of shape after not riding it all that time that there was snow and ice. I have to build up my stamina again. My sister's friend had gone to the bakery in the morning and had gotten delicious cakes, one of which was almost solid chocolate, a slice of which I had with a cafe latte and it was truly decadent. The coffee was not bad either and packed a real punch, just the way I like it. 

We had a nice time speaking in our best possible English, interspersed with Italian when the conversation got stuck and I'm now to the point that I'm even starting to get the drift of that. My sister is in her third year of Italian lessons and will do three more years.

When I got home, the critters where waiting for me and I had to abundantly greet them, though I had the feeling that they both had been asleep the whole time I had been away.  I made sure that Gandhi got equal attention after Tyke hogged all of his. That's best done when she hops on the kitchen counter and I can pet her there, away from him. Of course, they had to be fed and ate their food with great appetite. Tyke always acts like I starve him. He's an eating machine.

It was good to sit down in my armchair and smoke a cigarette and contemplate my navel for a while. I hadn't done so all day. Some solitude is nice. I could be a Buddhist on a part time basis. I'm not disciplined enough to be one full time. Besides, I don't think they're allowed to smoke.

I don't remember what I watched on television. That's how little impression it made on me. I went to bed early and listened to the radio. It's a little bit colder at night now and it felt great to get under the duvet. I have to make sure that I get enough of it, because Tyke gets on the bed and pulls it away from me. Gandhi gets on the bed too, but sleeps beside my pillows very ladylike. 

The subject on the radio was North Korea and how the government there opens restaurants all over the world named Pyongyang, which really maybe spy safe houses and places to whitewash false hundred dollar bills. How true this is I don't know. It's all a hypothesis. The food is supposed to be very good. There's supposed to be one restaurant in Amsterdam. 

With that intriguing bit of information I'm going to leave you. I think I will take a shower.  I still have my head on straight, so now is as good a time as ever.

Have a great day!

Ciao,

Nora

 

The other hand wants something too...

I'm sitting here early in the morning with my usual cup of coffee. It is still dark outside, so I can take it easy for a while longer. It is when it gets light outside that I feel I should get the show on the road. I think that's when the day officially starts. I feel more exposed when it is light outside and see no excuse to sit here in my bathrobe any longer. I must hop in the shower then and get dressed properly. 

I do hope that I find some exciting clothes to wear. I'm in the mood for something really different. I've been wearing the same things for a while now and I need to have a good look through the rest of my clothes and see what else is there that has my name written on it. I've lost enough weight now that everything should fit, if not be too big. My skirts are hanging on my hips, but I don't want to show my bellybutton. I will not bare my stomach. It isn't pretty enough. 

I'm really postponing getting out of my bathrobe, because it is so comfortable and getting under the showers is always such a horror. You don't know my shower, but believe me. I would care for a hot bath, but I have no such thing. My kingdom for a bath, but I can't give this kingdom away. I don't think the queen would agree with me. I will have to marry someone with a big bath. 

I was in a relationship with someone with a big tub. It was wonderful. It was like going for a swim. I should have stayed with him just for his big bathtub. It would have almost been worth it. I've not been as comfortable in a bath since. He also had a very good shower and I haven't been in a good shower since. The showers in the Netherlands don't impress me. I'm used to large American showers with enclosed shower stalls that are roomy and waterproof. Not these leaky, drippy things they have here. 

A woman does get used to her comforts. It's tough to come down in the world. You get used to nice things that work well and that turn out to be luxuries. Never take anything for granted that works well and that''s comfortable. Like your car, for instance. If it takes you places and is dependable, treat it with care. It will be your best friend. Take it from someone who has to ride her bike everywhere, or walk if the weather is bad. It's a tougher way to go if you're middle aged. Especially if something is far away and you don't go there at all, but for the grace of someone else who is willing to take you.

My coffee tastes very good this morning and it must be that special batch again that Juan picked in the highlands of Columbia. They're the very best beans, finely roasted. Ha, I wish I could afford them. I always get one of the cheaper coffees, but I think it makes no difference with the more popular brand. A gourmet coffee may taste better, but I'm not about to spend my money on that. There is a shop downtown that sells special coffees like that, freshly roasted. You have to grind the beans yourself. That would be a luxury. 

I'm trying to think of the clothes that are in my closet. It is getting a little crowded in there again after I cleaned it out. It may be time for another purge. The hangers are starting to embrace each other and clothes slip to the bottom, where they land in a heap. Given my distaste for ironing, this is not good. I do think that I have a vague idea of what I'm going to wear. That gives me some hope for the rest of the day and more courage to get into the shower. It helps if you've got a plan.

I must be off now to get the day started. The trash men have come by and made their noisy pick up and the newspaper delivery boy has also been here. I think it's officially Monday now. 

Have a terrific day.

Ciao,

Nora

On my way to bed...

If I write that I'm on my way to bed, I'll feel that there is a reward for me waiting at the end of this post. What I really should do, is put on my pajamas and bathrobe now and really be ready for bed. I still may do that after I've finished my cup of coffee. I'm awfully tired at the end of this day and look forward to going to sleep. I can't wait to get under the duvet and put my head down on my pillows and fall asleep by the sound of the radio.

It all started off this morning with me picking out the clothes I was going to wear. I had some idea before I looked into the closet and did end up picking out that outfit, which consisted of two pairs of legging, a black long sleeved stretch T-shirt and a black and white tunic. The top pair of leggings was black also and I needed two pairs to keep me warm. 

I took a shower then and shivered, because I can't get the thermos faucet hot enough, no matter how hard I turn it, and washed my hair. I quickly dried myself off with Tyke's help (he likes to lick the water of my lower legs) and got into my clothes as fast as I could and doused myself with perfume.

Then I did chores and waited for my personal helper to get here, which she did a half hour early, on foot, bundled up against the cold, trying not to break her neck on the ice that was in the streets and on the sidewalks. So we had a hot cup of coffee first before we put our brave boots on and went and took Tyke for a much needed walk. Tyke was very happy and eager to go when he saw me put my boots on. He was sitting pretty while I put his leash on and was ready by the front door before I even had my gloves on. We walked very carefully and moved to the grass as soon as we could, because there things were soft and crunchy. We sank into the icy patches.

When we came home, I talked about all the things I was so nervous about and that were worrying.me, which were just the ordinary every day details of the life of a human being who functions in the world, but which I find very difficult. It's why I have to take tranquilizers. This personal helper, whom I'll call my Belgian personal helper, is very good to talk to and gives me lots of good feedback and I always feel better after I've talked about these details of ordinary life. It's like she holds up a mirror in which I see myself and my problems and things seem less complicated. 

She suggested that she comes more often than once a week and starting next week she will be here on Thursday mornings as well. I'm very grateful for that and can't believe my luck. The other personal helper will come on Wednesday mornings, so I will have someone three times a week. I can discuss all my problems with them. Whatever sort of trouble I run into I can discuss with them and they will help me. If that isn't a very good deal, I don't know what is. 

Soon after she left, the domestic help got here and cleaned up the apartment very nicely and it is such a joy to have the place look spic and span. I never have to be embarrassed about having anyone over here, because it always looks good in here. 

Because it was my sister's birthday today, she came and picked me up and took me to her house for coffee and pie. Her Italian friend was there and he had bought her a dishwasher and was finishing installing it. It looked very good when it was done and worked like a charm. He's a very handy man to have around the house. We had delicious pie and I would have liked to have eaten two pieces, but alas... the gastric band! Because I can't speak Italian like they do and I didn't want to speak English, I went on strike and spoke French. I thought about speaking German, but my German is rusty. 

I finally made it home after six where my loyal animals were waiting for me and needed lots of cuddling and food. And then I was tired, because it had been an eventful day for me. I normally don't have such busy days. Tomorrow the Exfactor is coming in the morning to do the groceries and in the afternoon I have an appointment with my SPN. I need a good night's sleep and that's what I'm going to get right now. I'm going to put my pajamas on. 

Have a good night!

Ciao,

Nora

There she comes...

I managed to sleep until 8 o'clock this morning. It was with amazement that I looked at the alarm clock. I don't know how I did it, but somehow I pulled it off. I am very pleased. That means I slept almost nine hours and I will not have to take a nap today. Hallelujah. I will make it through the day just like a regular person, and that is good, because today both my personal helper and my domestic help are going to be here. I will be alert and approachable and in a good mood. Not that I'm always in a bad mood, but I'm more absentminded when I'm sleepy and tired and forget to be very sociable. 

I'm having my second cup of coffee and my third cigarette. I've just taken my medicines and am waiting for them to start working. It's the regular morning routine like so many other mornings, except that I'm doing it later than usual now. Tyke is sitting on his perch on the dining table looking out the window and seems to be completely fascinated by whatever he sees out there. At least he is happy for now. That gives me time to sit here and write and wake up properly. I may be writing this, but I'm on automatic pilot still. I will function well after I've had the second cup. 

Well, the secretary of the Green Cross just called to say that my personal helper is sick, so she won't be coming this morning, which gives me a sea of time. Now I don't have to sit here and rush through this. I was a little concerned about the timing and getting this done before she got here. I'm still sitting here in my bathrobe and I was to take a shower when she got here and get into my clean clothes, so I suppose I will do that on my own now.

It didn't snow last night like was predicted. I suppose it didn't get quite cold enough. It did rain, but this morning the sun is shining and it's going to be 33F, which means it's going to be a nice day, because there will hardly be any wind. It will be nice to go out for a walk with Tyke. 

Because it's Friday again, I'm extra motivated to make it as pleasant a day as possible. It's the pre-weekend day, which is as good as it being the weekend. Sometimes it's hard to remember to enjoy the times that don't consist of responsibilities, although there are many moments of it during the week. I usually have just enough stress with me to not be able to relax completely until the weekend, while really I have no reason not to feel that way during the week. I really need a change of attitude, but I never realize it until it is almost weekend and I see that I have been stressing again during the week.

I look like the wild woman of Borneo. My hair is sticking up all over the place and it is strictly from sleeping on it. There's no hairspray or wax in it. If I didn't know better I'd say static electricity was the cause of it and maybe it is dry enough in the apartment to have caused it. I have had the heater on. It will probably be better once I've washed my hair. 

The mailmen are on strike because 3,100 of them are going to be laid off and be replaced by part time mail deliverers. That's what they will be called. There was no mail yesterday and there will be no mail today, so no reason to go look in the mailbox. Privatization of mail services is a large cause of it and the fact that people send less mail, doing things by email now. I don't think the tide can be turned. We are starting to live in a capitalistic society. Woe is us. 

I have to go and walk the dog. It's time to get the day started. Be at your very best, always. 

Ciao,

Nora

More coffee, please!

I'm brewing a pot of coffee and I have to be patient for just a little while. It will be done in the shortest amount of time. That's the drawback of having an ordinary coffeemaker, that you do have to wait, even if it really isn't for such a long time, but I am a modern human being and I want instant gratification. It's as simple as that. Even I at my age am a product of this era and I want everything available instantly.

That makes me sound like an impatient person and I'm really not. I can have infinite amounts of patience and wait endlessly for some things, but when it comes to the little comforts in life, I guess I'm not patient at all.

In the meantime, I have my cup of coffee and I can get on with things. I don't want to get bogged down in a treatise about patience and the virtue thereof and the benefits for those who wait. Much has been written about it already. You sure don't need my two cents worth on it. 

I've slept well, but I don't know if I've slept long enough. I had some trouble falling asleep last night and I got up after lying in bed feeling very bored and trimmed the hair around Tyke's eyes so he would be able to see better. I imagined that he was very grateful for that and as a result he wanted lots of cuddles and petting, so I laid in bed and provided that for half an hour.

My stomach was upset because of the fruit juice that I had just before I went to bed and I was forced to drink a glass of milk to settle it. That did help. I listened to an interesting political discussion on the radio and slowly drifted off to sleep. I won't get into the long, drawn out subject of the political discussion. A not so popular solution was found to solve a problem that could have ended the majority rule of the government. The opposition is digging in. Swords are being sharpened. There will be a debate. It will lead to nothing. 

That's not such an upbeat subject to blog about. Let's change it to something else. 

Contrary to what I thought, I don't have any appointments today, so today is a day off. I will do laundry and take a shower and wash my hair and generally try to stay out of trouble. I think I will go back to bed in a while and sleep some more. I have the feeling that I'm not quite done yet. I always do get sleepy after I've taken my morning medication anyway, which I just did. 

I can't drink another sip of coffee, I'm so full. My gastric band must have shifted, because lately I've been getting that feeling quickly. Or maybe I just don't handle coffee as well as I used to. I'll switch to milk and see if that makes any difference.

This is turning into a boring account of nothing special at all, so I'm going to end it now and go back to bed. 

Have a good morning!

Ciao,

Nora

Mondays that don't hurt...

It's already afternoon and the day seems to have flown by. No doubt that has to do with the fact that I slept until 9 o'clock in the morning. I don't know how I managed that feat either, but I thought it was worthwhile mentioning. I couldn't believe it when I looked at the alarm clock and saw what time it was. I had been up twice during the nigh, and those had both been opportunities to stay up, but I withstood the temptation and went back to sleep, rightly so, it turned out. It seems I do have enough sleep in me at night to stay in bed and take advantage of it instead of getting up and artificially arousing myself with numerous cups of coffee, only to collapse again in the morning.

I took my time getting started and had two cups of coffee while I sat behind the computer and smoked cigarettes and answered emails. To me that's the only way to start the day. Reach out an touch someone. I must get my brain in working condition right away and coffee and cigarettes help me get there. I does feel good when all the synapses fire correctly. There's nothing like some mental activity to get me in the right mood. I would be a talker if there were someone pleasant to talk to. 

The first thing I do, though, when I wake up, is abundantly greet Tyke who sits beside the bed waiting for me to open my eyes. I make a big deal out of saying good morning to him as if I haven't seen him for a long time and not just a while ago when I let him outside to do a piddle. We have our bonding ritual with much petting and hugging and that really starts the day of right. I wouldn't want to have to do without it. He is very friendly and good natured first thing in the morning, but then he really always is. 

The hard part is waiting for the coffee to get done, even though it really doesn't take all that long. It just seems like it because I want it done instantly, which makes me sure that I want a Senseo machine again. Once I have my cup of coffee, I am truly satisfied and think that all is well with the world and for a while I am the most contented person around. I don't think there is anybody on the block more happy. They can all make the claim, but I won't believe them. 

So, I sat in my bathrobe and wasted some time behind the computer and waited for my personal helper to show up. When I knew it was time for her to arrive, I shut the computer off and emptied the overflowing ashtray. She does smoke too, so I like to present her with an empty ashtray. Once she got here, I jumped in the shower and got squeaky clean and dressed in a clean set of clothes. I sprayed all sorts of delicious things on myself and Tyke had a very good sniff of me when I surfaced again. 

It does feel good to be a reborn person, if only on the outside. It makes you feel as if you've gone through a little metamorphosis, because there is such a big difference between you in your bathrobe and you in your nice clothes, all dressed up. I had very shiny clean hair and for a change I got it in the proper do all at once and sprayed hairspray on it to get it to stay that way. Even I liked the way I looked. And I'm a critic. 

We walked Tyke in the cold foggy morning air, with the sidewalks all covered in yellow leaves, and it was very pretty and I liked the way the air felt on my face. It was a very typical autumn day and perfect for the first day in November. The timing of the weather couldn't have been better, but it would have been very nice to have been out in the countryside to really appreciate it and the beautifully colored trees and the fields that are fallow now. You do appreciate this time of year when you realize what's up ahead and you want to take advantage of it all the more. 

We had coffee and a long chat when we got home and the domestic help showed up before the personal helper had even gone. I had the apartment full of help. I do so appreciate it and feel very lucky. The quality of my life has improved tremendously. When the personal helper left, the Exfactor showed up and had a cup of coffee also and told me about how he had had to work yesterday when the weather had been so beautiful. It had been unseasonably warm and the sun had been out in a bright blue sky in the afternoon.

As a matter of fact, when I had coffee with my sister, we sat outside the front of her house in the sunshine without our jackets on and it felt like a summer day. We stayed out there until the sun disappeared behind some houses and it cooled off to remind us that it was autumn after all. 

The Exfactor took my list of groceries and went to the supermarket on my bike with the large shopping bag and my bank card. The domestic help finished cleaning the apartment and when she was done, the Exfactor returned fully laden. The fun part is always finding room for all the groceries while Gandhi and Tyke try to poke their noses into everything and generally try to get in the way as much as possible, until I distract them with food, which is what it is all about. 

I had to change Tyke's dog food, as he ate the stuff I had for him very reluctantly. Luckily, he liked the new kind very much and ate it within the shortest amount of time. Gandhi also like it very much and I gave her a small portion on a little dish on the kitchen counter. She didn't realize this was her lucky day and that there are many lucky days to come. She does owe her luck to Tyke's generosity and his willingness to share. 

The Exfactor had another cup of coffee and then was off to do his other errands and I was finally alone with the animals again. Tyke's gone to sleep at my feet and Gandhi, who was locked into the room with a vacuuming domestic help, is now sound asleep in the armchair. She was very upset about the vacuum cleaner and walked out of the room very indignant when we rescued her. The poor cat does have a tough life here, what with all these people coming and going and wanting to be friends with her and saying how pretty and lovable she is. 

Oh, by the way, there was some doubt in my sister's eyes when I presented her with the cardigan that didn't fit me, but once she put it on, and saw that it fit and how nice it was, she was happy with it. So, I've done a good deed. 

Have a nice day all of you!

Ciao,
Nora

Trying for inspiration in the early morning!

I've had my first cup of coffee and the cobwebs of sleep are removed from my mind. I will have my second cup next, after I first take my medicines, because I almost forgot about them. So, I quickly took them and poured my second cup of coffee and now I'm ready to try and write something interesting and inspiring. 

I think my last post was especially dull, but it was written when I was exceptionally tired and not really in the right frame of mind to write a post. I went to bed immediately afterwards and was sound asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. As a matter of fact, I was dozing off while I was still sitting behind the computer, so that shows you what a silly woman I can be. You shouldn't blog when you are half asleep and pretending you're not. Nothing good will come of it. I am such a stubborn woman sometimes, that I think I can't end the day unless I've written a post. The fact that I may not have anything to say doesn't enter into the equation.

So now is the morning of a busy day, but it is still early and I don't feel rushed yet. I will get excited in about two hours when time will start to press. I must shower and wash my hair again, because it is flattened against my head on one side and I look like I've been slapped upside the head and I'm completely crooked. I must make an appointment with my hairdresser and get my hair cut on the sides and in the back. Not on the top, it is the perfect length there. I'm moving away from punky hair and going for a little bit more sedate look, but one I can still make look unruly and mess around with if I want. 

At least I know which clothes I'm wearing today and because It's going to be a cool day, I'll be wearing my cowboy boots. I've not worn them in a long time and it will be fun to put them on again and step around like a tough broad. Not that I especially feel like one. I haven't got that attitude about me at all. I feel more like a kindly earth mother who is all goodness and graciousness and wouldn't harm a fly. The tranquilizers make me much too mellow to be a broad with an attitude and kick ass boots. Come to think of it, maybe I should wear different boots, so nobody gets the wrong impression. Do you think it will matter or will the benign look on my face speak words? 

I've stopped drinking coffee and am drinking cold orange juice now. It's a special brand that's supposed to be very good and I must say that it tastes better than what I usually get. I could easily drink three or four glasses of it. I got it from my sister who had too much of it and an overloaded refrigerator. I'm buying this brand from now on, because I like it a lot better. See how easily I can be persuaded to switch brands? Just put something better in front of me, that's all it takes. I don't care about the price. It's the taste that matters. I had been drinking my juice rather reluctantly and hardly at all lately. It languished in the refrigerator and only when I almost ran out of milk did I drink it. I thought I just didn't like juice very much.

Well, I must get going. It's that time of the morning. I'm not looking forward to the shower, because it is cold in here and the windows are still open. Still, I must be brave and do it. Then I have to go and walk Tyke before it starts to rain. 

Have a good morning!

Ciao,
Nora

 

How the magic works...

I'm very comfortably and contentedly sitting here in the very early hours of the morning having my second cup of freshly made coffee. All is well with the world and that is a very far cry from how I have felt for the last several days or so. I am happy to report that the days of anxiety and depression seem to be behind me now and that I am as relaxed as a newly unfolded leaf on a tree in the springtime and that all my worries and stress have dropped off my shoulders like so many tons of bricks.

I talked to my psychiatrist over the phone yesterday and got his permission to use the tranquilizers during the day as well and this has made so much difference that I feel like a newborn person. Instead of wanting to cower under the duvet in bed, I feel that I can face things again and function like an able bodied person and perform my duties and, because I feel no anxiety, the depression is kept at bay too.

I wasn't about to let this problem I was having simmer on the back burner endlessly and I realized that I needed to take a proactive role in solving it. I thought the most obvious thing to do would be to get rid of the large amount of anxiety and the only way I knew to do that was with the use of tranquilizers, so when I took my first ones on my own and noticed the difference, I knew I was on the right track. Since then, the anxiety has not returned and I have felt good ever since.

I was able to do some jobs around the house and walk Tyke and sit down and relax and watch some television, which I had not been able to do. I even ate a decent meal, which had gone by the wayside also. I had been eating snack foods or nothing much at all. I had however been drinking copious amounts of milk and juice, so I was not totally deficient of nutrients.

I feel able to face the day now, which involves going to the post office to mail those packages and going to my first creative class. I was dreading going to the post office and I can't tell you why. It just seemed like an enormous impossible task that I was not capable of. I think I can now do it easily. I'm also not worried about going to the creative class. I will be fine. It's just a five minute ride on my bike away from here and it's not a strange place for me. The creative class is in the same space where I had my creative therapy class. The people will be different and the person leading the class will be different, but all the materials will be the same. If I get through this day alright, it will be proof to me that I can do more than I think I'm capable of.

It's not nearly dawn yet, but I think I will jump in the shower and wash my hair. I can't do a thing with it. I need to be properly dressed for my day out too. That means picking out something different than what I have been wearing lately. A new day with a new outfit. Hurray!

Have a nice day!

Ciao,
Nora

Je ne sais pas...

I've posted photographs of the living room here in my last post, so if you missed those, go have a look there. It would be a shame if you missed those after all the effort I went through to post them, lol. I don't post pictures every day, you know! Although, come to think of it, maybe I should do that more often.

Here's one of Gandhi I took a few months ago.

And here's one of Tyke I took yesterday.

Every once in a while, like right now when I've done a frustrating job, I get the strong urge to light up a cigarette. I see myself going through the motions in my mind and really long for one, but I have no tobacco in the apartment and I have to get through the moment on my own without any help. I sip my coffee and think relaxing thoughts and try to calm myself down. I tell myself it's only a temporary longing I'm going through, that it will disappear after a while and that I've gone through worse things.

I just did deep breathing exercises, as if I was deeply inhaling smoke, but I was inhaling nothing but air. I did that for a few minutes and it got me over the moment. I must remember that trick, because it really works. My chest feels as if it has done some work and I had to cough. That's good. It will get all the gunk out. You learn something new every day. No doubt my brain is benefiting from all the oxygen too. The desire for a cigarette is gone.

What wasn't gone was my desire to eat a couple of teaspoons of peanut butter straight from the jar, so I had some of those and they were good, though now I'm very full. My eyes were bigger than my stomach (gastric band) and I'm burping very unladylike.

Can you believe today is Friday? Isn't that wonderful? I have my personal helper and the domestic help coming today and after that I will be released from my biggest obligations. I'm planning on doing a lot of reading and sleeping this weekend. For some reason I have the need for those two activities the most. It's because I'll feel relaxed enough to indulge in them. I feel like hibernating and cocooning. It must be because of all the changes that were made this past week. It takes a person a while to get used to them and they do wear you out.

With all the dawdling I've done writing this, and I've done nothing but, it's become morning and I will make a new pot of coffee, because the old one is empty. I only made enough for three cups anyway. I've got to take a shower in a while and wash my hair which I can't do a thing with. Though come to think of it, I may go to bed for a while and sleep some more first. Maybe that will be a better idea. It's early enough still.

Have a good day.

Ciao,
Nora

In the middle of the night...

I just had a cup of tea and now I'm having a tall glass of milk. I figured that I didn't need to be drinking coffee at this time of night. I don't need it to function anyway, I do okay without it. Although come to think of it, I may be a little dull without it. I may make a little coffee yet and see if that will enliven me a bit. I do depend on artificial stimulation to get my brain to perform at its best. It's no good sitting here half awake when I could be fully awake. Especially not if I'm going to write a blog post.

Yesterday I got a nice surprise in the mail. It was a gift certificate from my daughter to spend at bol.com. I was able to get five books that I really wanted and if I'm lucky they will be here for my birthday. It was the nicest thing I've gotten in a long while and it was the perfect gift. I have such a long wish list at bol.com that it wasn't difficult to pick out the books that I wanted. I had a great time choosing them and getting the most for my money. What a blast that was. I do seriously have to make room on my bookcase now and remove some books that are unimportant and move those to the bedroom. I don't need to tell you that books are my greatest treasures. I value them as much as I value my clothes, if not more. More, I guess.

Yesterday was a strange day other than that. I completely wasted it doing a whole bunch of unnecessary things that I thought were important at the time I was doing them. They all involved sitting behind the computer and they all took up a lot of my time, but looking back on them now, I think none of them were worth it. I kept getting involved in little projects that I thought were interesting and necessary, but that didn't amount to a hill of beans and that may as well have been left undone.

Sometimes I get caught up in things that suddenly grab my attention and I think it is very important that I do them immediately at the cost of everything else. It's not until after the fact, when the spell has been broken, that I see it has been completely useless and that I may as well have spent my time doing something completely different. I came to my senses early in the evening and took Tyke for a walk in the fresh air to get those obsessive behaviors out of my head. I'm not planning on having a day like that today. I have to grab myself by the neck and pull myself back to reality where I belong.

My personal helper is going to be here today and so is my domestic help. I have to do a few chores beforehand and I think that the Exfactor is also going to come by. He can go to the store for me and get the few things I forgot about the other day. He had offered to do so when I was trying to remember everything for my shopping list and couldn't think of. I will have a full house, but the more the merrier, right? As long as everybody co-operates and does what they are supposed to do, I'm happy.

I can't believe it's Friday again. It seems it was only Friday just a few days ago, but I'm not complaining. The week just went by awfully fast. I'm planning on reading a lot this weekend. I want to finish the novel I'm reading now and start a new one and I have so many to choose from. When I look on my bookcase I see so many possibilities. I forget what is up there and I really have to have a good look at all the shelves so I don't miss anything. Everywhere there are books that I haven't read. It's like going on a treasure hunt and being very successful.

I have to choose new clothes to wear today and I want to wear something very different than I have been wearing. I have to have a good look in my closet and pick out something fun that I haven't worn for a while. I keep wearing the same sets of clothes, because I think they look good and I'm comfortable in them, but that's silly, of course. I should get out some of the other things. I do have enough to choose from. I must also wear my new boots, which I have been saving for the right moment. Well, today is as good a day as ever.

I told you the coffee would perk me up and it has. I was sitting here as dull as a wallflower and now I am lively and full of myself. It only took a cup and a half and I'm a human being again. That cup of tea just didn't do it for me. Who was I fooling? There's a difference between night and day.

I have to go to the post office today and mail some books for Bookmooch. I keep getting books in the mail myself and there are quite a few underway. That's another reason to make room on the bookcase. I've already looked at it to see what I can move to the bookshelf in the bedroom and it will be a painless thing. I have large binders of administration in one cubbyhole that have no business being there. They look quite unattractive and they should go. I will gladly move them out of there. I will have to buy a smaller bookcase soon, though, and find a place to put it. I will have to look in Ikea and see what they have on offer. My sister has one like I have in a smaller version and it is quite attractive and may just do the trick. I will go to their website and have a look.

I have to take a shower and wash my hair with the blond shampoo. I haven't used it the last few times and now my hair doesn't look quite as nice. The blond shampoo brings out the highlights. If you're a natural blond, I can recommend using it. I have gray hairs sprinkled throughout , but it just looks like I had my hair lightened a bit.

I will go in search of clothes to wear. I will put an outfit together that will be just right. Something cheerful and perky to match my mood. To match my mood on coffee. I do have some idea of what it's going to be . I think I even know which necklace I'm going to wear, but maybe it's going to be a scarf. It depends on how cold it is when I go out to walk Tyke. It is 10C now, so a bit on the cold side. I can take my time because it isn't even light outside yet. That means I can pamper myself after my shower with body lotion and facial cream and really fix my hair well. I won't be in a rush like I usually am.

Have a terrific day, everyone. It's been a pleasure to wile away the very early morning hours with you while you were asleep.

Ciao,
Nora

Up and about...

I didn't sleep quite as late as I had wanted to, but I slept until the early morning anyway and that's not half bad. When I woke up it was raining buckets and Tyke refused to go out back, even though he needed to. He decided to wait until later. It's still not stopped raining yet and I've been up for an hour.

It's very cozy here by the desk lamp and I feel great and ready to start the day. I slept well and feel quite refreshed. I've made a good pot of coffee, so nothing can go wrong with my morning. Well, not much anyway. I can think of some things, but I won't go there. The most important thing is that it's a brand new day with brand new possibilities, and that it's Friday again, the end of the week, which is always a welcome time. I haven't encountered a Friday yet that I don't like. At least not in this stage of my life, but I think I've always liked Fridays, as I've always looked forward to the weekends, especially when my kids were young. I liked it when they were home from school and we could do things.

I slept well in my newly made up bed and it was a pleasure to sleep under clean sheets. I've got to wash the ones I took off immediately so I will have clean ones right way. It's the pillow cases that I most need, having four pillows on my bed. That's strictly for comfort. I like nothing better than having a thick, soft place to put my head. There's nothing better to go to sleep on.

Gandhi and Tyke both try to lie down by my pillows at night. They jockey for position and I have to chase Tyke to the lower end of the bed. There's definitely not enough space for both of them, no matter how hard they try. Gandhi can be there. She's such a little delicate cat that there's room for her, but Tyke plants his big butt in my face and it's not pleasant. He thinks he has to be wherever Gandhi is. He thinks he's as small as she is and that he can go in the same places. He towers above her quite a bit. He's 30 pounds worth of dog, so he may be little, but he's still a force to be reckoned with.

I've got to jump in the shower in a while and find something nice to wear. No doubt I will succeed in doing that. I do have enough clothes to choose from. There's no shortage of them. I have to throw some clothes to wash in with the sheets. I do like clean clothes to wear. There will be no hanging the laundry outside to dry. It is going to rain all weekend. I'm going to try a different washing powder when I'm done with this one. This one works well, but I want to find one that smells even better. Or maybe I'm used to the way this one smells and I need a different one. I think I will just buy whatever washing powder is on sale, that way I can try them all. I'm an opportunistic consumer. I'm not loyal to my brand, except for my tobacco.

My personal helper is coming today and so is the domestic help. I have to get the apartment in shape ahead of time. I will have lots of time to do that. I have to clean up the kitchen and take out the trash. I forgot to buy new trash bags yesterday. I was at the tobacco shop where they sell them, but I forgot all about them. I will have to use some other plastic bag until I get some. The present bag is full and it is my last one. I usually don't forget things like that, but I was in a hurry yesterday, because I was going between rain showers. As it was, it started to rain on the way home and I made it inside just in time.

I haven't noticed any adverse effects from decreasing the antidepressants, but maybe it's too early to tell. Possibly more time needs to pass before I notice any difference. The stuff does stay in your system for quite a while, after all. I think I have a bit more energy, but that may all be in my head, in other words, I merely think I do and it's a suggestion. I think I'm supposed to stay at this dose for a month and then, if everything is well, lower the dose some more until I'm down to a reasonable amount and not the mega dose I was taking. It's fine with me, as long as I do well.

I'm going to take a shower now and get dressed. I do want to get the show on the road and it has stopped raining. Maybe I can take Tyke for a walk. It would be nice if I could. We both need some outside air. It's 18C out, so not that cold.

Have a nice day and enjoy whatever kind of weather you have.

Ciao,
Nora

Up early...

I'm up early this morning. I think after going to bed so early last night, and despite being up in the middle of the night, I'm ready to be awake now and start the day. As a matter of fact, I feel in a jolly good mood and I can't wait to get the show on the road. It is with pleasure that I sit here and drink my coffee. I will be fun to hop in the shower and get dressed and walk Tyke while it is still dry, though I will keep my fingers crossed, because it looks like it is going to rain any minute now.

I'm sitting here in my tank top and not much else, because it is warm in the apartment and I haven't got the back door open yet. I will in awhile and open the kitchen window too. It should cool off quite a bit then, but it is too early to do that now. It is barely light outside and the sky looks threatening. We are expecting rain today and if it rained like it did yesterday, it will be another deluge. It came down in buckets as if it was a tropical monsoon and there were big puddles in the street.

I'm expecting the Exfactor today and I'm looking forward to that, because I haven't seen him since last week on Tuesday. It will be nice to sit and have a cup of coffee with him and have a chat, although our chats can be very boring and be about nothing important at all, but about motorcycles and his work. I'll have to give a different twist to them and talk about politics and vegetarianism and the bio-industry. That ought to make it more interesting. He is also going to do the groceries for me, so I can't make our talk too exhausting, otherwise he will not have the energy to do them.

The domestic help is also coming and I have to make sure I clean up the apartment before she comes. Now, that's not any real cleaning that I do, but just picking things up and generally getting things uncluttered and put away or thrown in the trash or the used paper box. I don't actually clean things before she comes, like in scrubbing the toilet or in dusting the furniture. That would be foolish.

I feel like dressing up today, but I think it's going to be too warm to wear many clothes. It's going to be 22C and inside it is warmer. I've washed some clothes and they should be dry now, so I have a lot to choose from. I like nothing better than wearing newly washed clothes, because of the nice scent of them. I do try to keep all of my clothes clean and do a load of laundry as soon as I have one. Sometimes I wash clothes just to get the nice scent back, even though they aren't dirty. I like it when I open my closet and my clothes smell good. When you smoke, that's hard to achieve. You always have a tendency to carry that smell of tar and nicotine with you.

Actually, 22C isn't all that warm, come to think of it. It's only about 71F, so that's not very warm at all. It's not like a heatwave.

The garbage men have been here, so that Monday morning ritual has been taken care off. They sure make a lot of noise early in the morning, but other than that they work quick and efficient. I hope they get paid well, because there must be nothing worse than dealing with trash all day long and than smelling it while dangling off the back of the truck all the time, especially when it's hot and the trash smells rancid.

On that socialist note I'm off to take a shower. I will walk Tyke first and breathe in the early morning air. It looks like it will be dry for a while yet.

Have a good day!

Ciao,
Nora

Eternally yours...

It's early in the morning and I could be mistakingly up already, but I think I'm awake now. I'm having my cup of coffee and it has cleared whatever cobwebs I had in my mind, although there weren't that many there. I would make a good intercontinental traveler because I can be amazingly clearheaded after 4 or 5 hours of sleep. It's just the long plane flights that would do me in. They are cramped and boring. I would have to travel business class all the way.

I think I will jump in the shower shortly and get the day started properly. I want to wash my hair which has too much hairspray in it and won't do what I want it to. I also want to change my bed and run a load of laundry. I wanted to do that last night, but I was too tired to bother. I'm also very wrapped up in my book in which all sorts of interesting events are taking place and is hard to put down, so there is a great desire to just lie down in bed and read. I have more novels by Alice Hoffman and will read those next.

The Exfactor is supposed to come by today and I will dress accordingly, as if an important visitor is coming. No really, I dress that way every day, even is no one at all is coming by. It's just a habit I have gotten into and that, right now, is hard to break. It's only when I get in trouble emotionally that I want to stay in my bathrobe, like I did yesterday when I realized that I didn't want to start those creative classes. I'm searching for a solution to that problem.

Have a nice day.

Ciao,
Nora

Climbing to the top....

It's early in the morning again. I've had my cup of coffee and answered my emails. It's with great pleasure that I do. It keeps me in touch with so many people. Tyke is lying by my feet after thinking initially that great things were going to happen when we got up. He had to go out and be petted and have a rawhide bone and be fed and be petted some more, but now he's settled down again. I guess he realized it was to early to really start the day. I'm not quite ready for that yet. I do need some more coffee before I'm completely functioning.

So, I've just made myself another cup and I'm ready for a good chat about nothing important at all. That has to be possible too. I suppose I will just rattle on about whatever comes up in my head and tell you about that. My coffee tastes very good and strong and it is a joy to drink. It puts hair on your chest, although in my case that's not the required effect. It would look funny, all that chest hair sticking out above my bra. Nevertheless, the coffee packs a punch. Besides, even with men the smooth look is in and men aren't supposed to have chest hair now. I wonder if George Clooney does? I'm not that intimate with him. Somebody inform me.

Today I have a busy day. The Exfactor is going to get here first. He called me on the phone yesterday and asked me if I would need anything at the store and I said, "Well, now that you mention it, I do have a craving for ice cream." That made him laugh wickedly and he said that he would see what he could do about that. I want chocolate covered ice creams and regular ice cream in a box. Vanilla. I don't care for any other flavor and when I'm next in town, I'm going to the ice cream parlor and having myself an ice cream sundae. It's not summertime unless you've had ice cream. That will hopefully take care of my craving. I'll have an overdose of it.

After that my personal helper is going to be here and she's not going to be pleased with me, because I didn't clean out those dresser drawers like I said I would. I spent too much of my daytime hours sleeping. Maybe it's a job we can do together. I'll ask her and see how she reacts to that. I have no, I can always get yes. We are really supposed to go to the post office to mail a package, but the Exfactor can do that instead and that will give us time to clean out the drawers. See, I have it all planned. My evilly scheming mind has it all worked out.

Before she's gone, my domestic help will be here and that will be most pleasant, because the apartment always smells so good after it has been cleaned and, of course, it looks good too, though I have to say that I've been keeping it in good shape and hardly dirty it. I do clean up after myself. There's hardly enough work for two people, two hours a week each. I need to be messier than I am. I have to do the dishes this morning and make my bed, but that is about it.

There was a World Cup match on between the Netherlands and Cameroon last night,but I didn't watch it. I'm a bad Dutch person. I watched Dalziel and Pascoe instead, which to me was much more exciting. I do know that the Netherlands won 2-1, which is not a great score. There are detective series on one of the other channels as long as the World Cup is on. There was an Inspector Linley the night before last. I guess I'm really not that thrilled about football after all, though I do care about the score. I think they can manage that without me watching. I don't think I'm denying myself any great pleasures.

I've got to take a shower and wash my hair which is sticky with hairspray. This morning it was plastered to my head on one side. It's always a real trick to get it back in shape after I've washed it, it's so soft and fine. I don't like to wait until my personal helper gets here to shower. I like to do this job on my own, as I'm quite capable of it and I do want to pick out my clothes carefully. I suppose I will not be wearing any leggings today because they will be too warm. That means I will wear my black jeans skirt with a tank top and a bolero top over it with short sleeves. I do want to cover my arms a little bit. I have too many scars on them to leave them completely uncovered. I wonder what the sun and vitamin E would do for my arms?

Right, it's time to get going. I hope you all have a lovely day. I know I'm going to have lovely weather. I hope you do too.

Ciao,
Nora

Getting there!

Writing these posts gives me the perfect opportunity to take a breather, because I notice that I don't necessarily stick to chores of threes, but sort of keep going until I'm too tired to go anymore and I have to stop and do something else. I check my emails and answer them if there are any, that's a good break, but then I forget to have something to drink and really relax as I am on the edge of my seat, ready to go and tackle the next thing. I work as if there is no tomorrow and for me there isn't, because I don't know what my mood will be like tomorrow and this may all be over. I have to grab this opportunity while I can, mad as it is.

So, where was I?

I made a bucket of hot soapy water with dish washing liquid and washed the windows with it with a cloth and a squeegee and I got good results, very clean windows. Then I took the same bucket of hot suds and cleaned all the shelves of the bookcase, but the real surprise came when I got the stepladder and climbed on it and looked on top of the bookcase. Quelle horreur! It was black with dust, so I got my cloth very wet and soapy and applied some elbow grease. I know it is because I smoke that everything gets such a sticky layer of dirt. That's the price I pay.

Anyway, I am now in the possession of a very clean white bookcase with an empty shelf to put a sculpture on, which I must do in a while. I had a basket sitting in the opening, but decided to add that basket to another basket that was also sitting on a shelf, thereby creating the space. I think I have a sculpture that will fit right in there.

Then I got a bucket of white latex paint out and found a brush and painted some sections of the walls in the kitchen that for whatever reasons had become discolored. I brushed it on in such a way that it's not immediately obvious that there is a slight difference in the shade of white and when it dries, I don't think you will notice it.It looks a lot better anyway, but really, that whole kitchen needs to be ripped out and revamped. It's old and tired and inefficient. I hope the housing corporation does something about them soon.

Then I took a bucket of suds and cleaned the tiles beneath the wash basin in the bathroom and all along the water pipes that run to the shower. That had never been done, as far as I know, especially not all those years that I had been depressed during my sons illness. I cleaned the bottom of the wash basin too and even found spider rag there.

Finally, I took the bucket and emptied it in the shower basin and gave it a quick scrub before all the sudsy water disappeared and that was that.

All I have to do now, besides the chores that are left on my list for tomorrow, is walk Jesker and get the trash ready for tonight to put outside. Then I am going to take a shower and wash my hair and put on my pajamas. Last of all, I am going to do some ironing, because there may be some clothes in the basket that I want to wear tomorrow.

I am really beat now and I am getting tired, so I think I will sleep well tonight, but the whole thing has been a fun experience. I didn't know I could still do that much work on so little sleep and so little food. I am ready to eat now.

I hope you enjoyed my journey into this slight madness with me. It's been an incredible experience, like a dream and I am now waking up. I have sore muscles.

Have a good Sunday evening or whatever your time of day is.

See you again soon!

Ciao...