Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Rien ne va plus.

I just woke up from a mega nap. I was so sound asleep that I didn't hear the alarm clock go off at 6 pm. It warns me to take my medicines and is very loud and obnoxious, but eventually turns itself off. I think that happens after four minutes, so for four minutes that crazy things beeped like mad and I wonder what the neighbors thought. Luckily, nobody broke down the front door thinking it was the smoke alarm and that I was lying unconscious on the sofa.

What wore me out so very much, was the fact that I went to the grocery store myself. I just had to get some shopping done and I was unable to get a hold of the Exfactor. I tried for two hours, but finally gave up and realized that I had to go myself. It was difficult and as I was getting ready I felt a lot of anxiety and almost didn't go at all, but I needed milk and dog food and coffee, so I just had to go. I was anxious on the bike ride over and thought I would probably have a nervous breakdown in the store, but then I thought, "Okay, if that's the worst thing that's going to happen to you, then so be it."

Then I went through the stress of getting a shopping cart (trolley) and getting the groceries and going through the check out stand and putting all the groceries in the bike bags and the shopping bag, and after that the worst of it was over. I had survived that with a bear sitting on my chest and a rapidly beating heart. All that was left to do was ride my bike home safely and unpack the groceries. Somehow that seemed manageable, but when I was done, I was so exhausted, that all I wanted to do was lie down and sleep.

I feel the anxiety just writing about it. To make matters worse, I probably have to go again on Saturday, because I was unabe to get enough stuff to last me through the weekend. So I have that to look forward to and I'm already worrying about it. It was crowded in the store this afternoon too and for a change I had to wait in line at the check out stand, which gives you too much time to contemplate your situation and anticipate all the things that can go wrong. You see how I get to be a nervous wreck.

This morning at creative therapy I was fine. I made a drawing on a big piece of paper and colored it with ink and I am only mildly happy with it. It is something I thought about painting on canvas, but now that I've seen it worked out on paper, I don't think that I will. It's an idea I had that was not originally mine and it shows. I have to stick with the things that I think of myself and not try to imitate other people. I have to do my own stuff. You live and learn and you learn from your mistakes just as well as from your successes. It´s not a wasted morning, because I know what not to do now, and I would have made the mistake of trying to put it on canvas and that would have been a shame.

I think it´s a good idea if I just stick to the paintings I´ve been making and variations thereof and the collages of the two various kinds, those with colored paper and paints and inks, and those with images and text I get out of magazines. I think the colored paper ones have my preference right now. At home I have to work in a smaller space than I do in the therapy classes, so I have to scale down my activities a bit. There won´t be room for huge pieces of paper. I can still buy the canvasses, though. They´re on sale at the cheap variety store close by that also sells art supplies. It´s just a matter of getting them home in one piece.

When I have the time and energy and inclination, I´m actually quite excited about doing art at home. I work at the dining table now, although that is not the best place to work, but for now it will do. I have my supplies stacked on a chair and scoot it under the table. Other things are lying in boxes in my bedroom. I still have watercolors and colored pencils there. I mustn´t forget the watercolors when I do the collages, they are very handy and I can make them as rich in color as I want. You see, writing about it already gets me excited.

I´m glad tomorrow is a day off. I hardly got anything done yesterday, due to extensive nap taking. I perform one major task and think I have to lie down and sleep. Blessed sleep. I feel that it´s so good for me right now. It does take up a lot of time, but it is so healing and so comforting and I sleep well at night too. I look forward to going to bed with my book and getting cozy under the duvet. I´m asleep in no time and this morning I was actually awoken by the alarm clock. Yes, that time I was, it was right by my head.

I´m going to get my pajamas on now and see if I can watch some TV while I have something to eat. Then it will be time to go to bed. What a wonderful thing. I can´t wait.

Have a good night, you all.



Maggie May said...

Strange how this agoraphobia has got a hold. You didn't used to have that, did you?
I am pleased that you were able to overcome it for the sake of Jesker who needed food and you needed the milk. Glad that spurred you on. Maybe a little trip to the shop frequently, would nip it in the bud, though I am no expert.

We had a glorious warm, sunny day today. Hope you did too. Nite, Enjoy your bed. Nora X

Friend of the Bear said...

Hi Nora. Sleep is obviously your best friend at the moment!

At least you got through the shopping without a breakdown. You "felt the fear and did it anyway" (Susan Jeffers). Well done. Sometimes it's only having to get things done that makes us face our fears like that. And you survived even though it wasn't great.

While it's fine to take inspiration from others - even necessary really - we always have to remain true to ourselves. Inspiration rather than imitation. Who knows, you may yet have learnt something from doing that drawing - even how a certain shape of curve might be useful in future, or how a particular detail was rendered. It all adds to your knowledge of how you might wish to express yourself in the future.

Hope you are having a lovely nights sleep!

Best wishes,
Bearfriend xx

Gail said...

Maybe you should try thinking of painting when you have to shop.

jeannette stgermain said...

You are right, when you are creative it is best to go by your own ideas! I've been in that dilemma myself before:)
Hey, your anxiety is up - maybe check with your doc if you medication needs to be changed (or dosage)?
Just one step at the time will do it! Don't let yourself be hurried or stressed out :)
If I don't talk to you before, have a great weekend (I'll be gone to my duaghters in Sac. )

Maureen said...

Glad to read that you are enjoying your art at home too! Yes, let others inspire you, but you've already developed your own style so you don't have to search for it.

Perhaps shopping very early is your best bet; when it is very quiet (at least that's the time it is slow at our stores).